Romance? Bullshit or the Real Thing?

There is an episode in season six of Sex and the City where Carrie is dating this guy Alexander Petrovsky, and he's like....all romantic, and he keeps doing things, like writing her songs, reading her poetry....he's the classic old world romantic...and Carrie, used to dating guys who can't even commit to WHEN or IF they'll call again...well she's out of her element.

Well, today, ladies and gentlemen, it's happened to me. I'm OUT of my element. Officially.

It started with flowers on my windshield.....today, it got romantic-er. I know that's not a word, but just go with it....

Today, I get an e-mail, just a friendly little thing in regards to my co-worker's toothache. I asked him if it was getting better, blah, blah, blah....he told me the pain was really terrible and that it made him homicidal.

Me, joking back said: perhaps i should call off work Friday night so as not to get caught in the crossfire. He writes back the following:

No, no need to call off work, I'm just crazy enough to let you live if i start feelin murderous. Besides, who is gonna help me pull out this tooth from which the homicidal tendencies originate? So, its decided, only the most beautiful will survive, and your a shoe in!! (only kidding about the killing spree):)

So I write back to him:

"well that was sweet. why are you so sweet?"

and he replies with the most...out of the ordinary romantic reply I think I've ever gotten...:

How is it that you are so lovely? I guess both questions are like asking why the sky is that deep shade of blue or like asking why your eyes sparkle like they do. A fiery brown amber which sets me ablaze. The answer is never adequate, but the mystery is always overwhelmingly blissful. You are lovely, because lovely is you, I am sweet because of the sugar you have addicted me to. And the sky is blue because your eyes sparkle with the sun. Your eyes are the sun in a deep shade of blue. (Sorry, dont mean to be sappy, just came off the top of my head and i was compelled to write)

Which honestly, I'm not quite sure what to do with that....I think it's romantic if a guy cleans off a place on his couch for me to sit down....or offers to shave before a massive make-out session...

So..."poetic expressions of genuine emotion"...well, I just don't even know how to process such things....is it normal to be 31 years old and have no idea how to process this? Honestly? Guys, have you ever wrote an e-mail like this? And girls? Have you received them?

This kid is young, perhaps it's a generational thing...these young guys are just more romantic, or perhaps some bitch hasn't come along and ruined him yet...and I've just dated guys who dated a lot of bitches before me....?

So...while I sit here and contemplate how to handle this....you guys think this over and get back to me.

I was under the impression that Romance died out with top hats and carriage rides....but now, in the haze of printing ink, and newspaper dust...I am forced to question it's existence.

It's Mating Season!!! Errr...I mean Dating Season...

It’s that time of year again, an annual celebrated occasion here at my blog…and that’s mating season for my local skunk population! YAY…it’s here again!

I always like this time of year…not because I see dead skunks everywhere on the side of the roads, that part makes me sad, but because it’s that time of year when something’s in the air…the stir-crazies of winter, are coming out and looking…searching….for action. For the skunks….they are looking for a sexual romp…others might break out their first short sleeved shirt at work….people start getting ballsy…

Last year at this time, I had just started dating Harry….and like the skunks…wow…I was finally in sync with those furry little black and white creatures….I was intoxicated with the scent of a new relationship….and there might have been some mating going on…*laughs*…what…the skunks are onto something…there IS something in the air this time of year!

Can you feel it?...mmmmm....I do.

Now go out there and getcha some would ya?!

If a smelly ole skunk can, you can too!

Have a great weekend! I'm off to Cincinnati for a couple days....where I will be getting my very first ever massage. A whole hour of me being 1/2 naked and being rubbed down by a complete stranger! It's not mating, or even dating...but hey, a girl's gotta do what a girls gotta do. It should be interesting...at least it will give me some writing material...for next week.

~hl~

Right now....

as we speak, my dog is around the corner sticking his nose in his water dish and blowing bubbles. It sounds like he's snorkeling in the kitchen. He's from the Midwest... snorkeling isn't a sixth sense for Midwestern dogs. He's a pointer for crying out loud, what's a bird dog know about water?

Does anybody else's dog do things like this? Or am I the only one who thought she was adopting a dog, but got a deep sea diver instead? Perhaps there really something to the fact that dog's paws/toes are webbed in between... hmmm.. something to think about

I'm so looking forward to having a fenced in back yard for him to play in. *sighs* ....we might even get a little kiddie pool to layout around this summer... him, snorkeling in DELPHOS... me with my skin so white that NASA's satellites are blinded by the reflection... ah, yes ... it's a good thing the new house has a privacy fence ... weirdo dog and albino girl need things like that.

Albino girl and weirdo dog, with names like that, perhaps we'll fight crime and wear capes... nobody wears capes anymore.... they used to be so fashionable....

It just occurred to me that I'm in desperate need of sleep....yes, yes, sleep..that's exactly what I am in need of...I think i may have reached delirium...

Albino girl...out.

Well....here we go again...

So you all know how heart broken I was over the first house that for reasons beyond my control (ei: plumbing, banks, etc.) the deal fell through....and I was...man I was just bummed. So a week or so ago, I asked my agent to show me a house that was newly listed with an agent. I had been keeping my eye on it for quite some time, but they wanted more than I could afford to pay...so when I saw they listed it with an agent, I figured they were getting seriously motivated to sell. Soooo...like a good little future home owner, I called my agent and booked a showing.

I went, I saw, I loved it, and it's in a perfect location...right across the street from my cousin. Which incidentally is right next to the damn railroad tracks, but fuck it, no house is perfect! *laughs*...so we saw it on Sunday, I put in an offer on Monday...and just as I suspected..DENIED! The Seller wouldn't budge off is list price! So sadly I took the news to heart, put the house to rest and I moved on...hoping that the THIRD time would be the charm in my road to home ownership.

Well that was LAST WEEK. I go to work this morning...fairly chipper...coming off a nice weekend spent hanging with my little sister....and I get an e-mail from my Agent who tells me that while taking our offer off the table, after we denied his counter offer of FIRM ON PRICE....he came back to her with a counter-counter offer. Which is odd. He came back at just a few thousand more than what I offered, PLUS he'd throw in a washer, dryer, stove AND refrigerator!! All things coincidental I don't have!

I was like...really? Amie (my agent) are you freaking kidding me?

So I countered back, that I'd meet his price, he'd throw in the appliances and I'd pay a tad bit more if he'd pay closing costs...and he took it! HE TOOK IT!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT...HE TOOK IT!....

I signed the documents tonight, and if all goes well, I will be closing my loan on or before March 31st.

I'm so happy right now....you wouldn't believe how happy unless you were to see it!

So, for all my friends out there....better get your moving gloves out, start saving boxes for me, and pick up trucks ready.....cause, while I'm not moving just yet, I am MOVING in that direction.

Oh, and did I mention I'm moving back on the "good side of the tracks"? *laughs*....No more Marble Town for me!

~hl~

OMG! What some people will do for fame....

And I thought "I" had big boobs!

Somewhere there is a plastic surgeon should be shot....I know free will and all of that...but seriously?

I'm disgusted!

Please tell me that my male readers think she's more freak than fantasy.

please...please???

These pictures obtained from TMZ's website. To see ALL the pictures, go to: http://photos.tmz.com/galleries/maxi_mounds_fame#19213

Another Birthday comes and goes:

Well, I’m 31 and still alive. No hospital stays, no lightning bolts, just one simply happy birthday.

It was a rather uneventful day really, up until I realized I was getting a stupid cold. Sneezing, watery eyes, stuffy head, snotty nose…the works man! SUCKS!!!

I hate being sick.

Anyway, but the show must go on, sick or not sick, it’s my gosh darn birthday and I’m not going to let a little cold stop me from having fun….

However it DID stop me from being able to breathe, taste my dinner or my drink last night! *frowns*….sucked too, because my flauta looked delicious last night…and I think my bombpop (my drink of choice) was really good….I think, I can’t tell you for sure since I didn’t taste a thing….felt the tequila though!

The night was great, Kami & Kevin picked me up at my house around six thirty….I was a little bummed at this point since Darren had called from Fort Wayne and said he was having car troubles. And I just thought…figures….I was all pumped that Darren was going to meet all my other friends….and now car troubles!

However on the way to Lima, he called back and said he got it fixed and was on his way!

Kami and Kevin and I arrived at Banditos to meet Steph and Matt who were already there waiting for us. Margarita’s already started to be consumed. Shortly thereafter Tiff arrived and then Darren bringing up the rear.

It was a simple setting, just some food, drinks and friends, and it was perfect. The perfect way to spend your birthday, no big to-do, no muss, no fuss….however Tiff did bake me a chocolate covered cherry cake…mmmm…was it good! Errr..well, I think it was, it “looked” good anyway. Again, no sense of taste over here.

Darren brought me home around nine thirty, ten-ish…we had a bit of a chat and then he left me to enjoy the remaining hours of my 31st birthday alone. Well Chubs was there…but he seemed pretty indifferent to the whole occasion.

So, as quietly as the day arrived, it snuck off into the dawn of a new day….Darren’s Birthday.

So Happy Birthday Darren, where ever you might be today!

To Kami, Kevin, Tiff, Steph, Matt & Darren, thanks for giving me such a great birthday dinner! It was so much fun…..I won’t soon forget it.

~hl~

What Does a White Rose

Signify?




I know Red = Love, Yellow = Friendship...but white? I don't know, I've never gotten a white rose before.



So last night at EP, I come out of work to find a note and a rose on my windshield. Jim is with me and he's like.."Heather, there's something on your windshield"...and I'm like "yeah, I see that."...
So I grab the wrapped up flower, and the little note attached...and I read:

Someone thinks I'm angelic? I had to check the calendar to make sure it was Valentines day and not April fools. When I told my mom what the note said, she laughed so hard I thought she was going to drop the phone....and when she composed herself you know what my brat of a mother says to me? "Well, he doesn't know you very well does he?" As she laughs some more! Seriously though...while I might be a nice girl now...I wasn't always, I was a very mischievous little girl growing up...ornary...spunky....adventurous...come to think of it, I'm still pretty much that way, except for now at nearly 31, it's considered to be a good thing...while at a pre-teen stage, oh, it was a really BAAAAAAD thing. Oh the trouble i got into to....*sighs*

Anyway....so it's been a year since I've received flowers....when I was in the hospital last year, so while my flower was unexpected and pretty much caught me off guard, I like it. The guy who gave it to me isn't a creepy stalker, he's actually really sweet, and thanks to him, my room smells like roses this Valentines Day.

And I got to tell you....I needed this. This little boost. Recently some things transpired that had me feeling a little glum, disheartened and well, sad really. It's hard for me to understand when people say and do things that they know will hurt you, yet they do them anyway....

So while one person hurt, another healed. Maybe it's the "devils luck"....but somehow, in my life, I'm learning not to worry....it all works out in the end.

So Happy Valentines day my angels....(well if I can be angelic, you guys certainly can by my angels!)...I hope you all are loved, pampered, well fed and intimate with the ones you love today. Meanwhile, I'll be hanging out with my dog, enjoying my date with Robert Redford....and Paul Newman. I picked up Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid to spend my big V-day with. They are good guys....and the thing about GOOD GUYS....they always come through for you in the end.

Oh, Great....now I'm cursed!!

Yep, while doing a little online research to the mythical folklore of Friday the 13th, I finally realized why i have such atrocious luck....and as it turns out...I'm cursed.

LEGEND HAS IT: If 13 people sit down to dinner together, one will die within the year. The Turks so disliked the number 13 that it was practically expunged from their vocabulary (Brewer, 1894). Many cities do not have a 13th Street or a 13th Avenue. Many buildings don't have a 13th floor. If you have 13 letters in your name, you will have the devil's luck (Jack the Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy and Albert De Salvo all have 13 letters in their names). There are 13 witches in a coven. (http://urbanlegends.about.com)

So my name...Heather O*****, guess how many letters that has...yeah, go ahead and count em...THIRTEEN!

So I join in the ranks of Charles Manson, Theodore Bundy Alber De Salvo....Jeffrey Dahmer!!! C'mon, damnit, i don't want to be lumped in with those psychos!

Although, if ever i was looking for an explanation for my series of unfortunate events in my life....I suppose I have discovered a scapegoat. A reason for my misfortune. And I'm going to kick my mom's butt for this....any expectant mothers out there....take note, don't give your daughter the luck of the devil....do the math, check your numbers and check them twice...it just may determine if your child is naughty or nice...as i clearly was very naughty growing up!

WAIT! HOLD THE PHONE.....upon further research...maybe I'm wrong....I just did a little more research and look at what it says:

"Devil's Luck"(The): Astounding good luck. Persons always lucky were thought at one time to have compounded with the Devil.

“You won't have to pay his annuity very long; you have the Devil's luck in bargains, always.” -
Dickens.

But would we say Charlie Manson was lucky? Or Jeffrey Dahmer..I mean that dude was beat to death in prison....*scratches head*... So which is it, am I lucky or predetermined to be a serial killer? All these superstitions are conflicting.

Oh, and listen to this...I found this story highly entertaining:

LEGEND HAS IT: Never change your bed on Friday; it will bring bad dreams. Don't start a trip on Friday or you will have misfortune. If you cut your nails on Friday, you cut them for sorrow. Ships that set sail on a Friday will have bad luck – as in the tale of H.M.S. Friday ... One hundred years ago, the British government sought to quell once and for all the widespread superstition among seamen that setting sail on Fridays was unlucky. A special ship was commissioned, named "H.M.S. Friday." They laid her keel on a Friday, launched her on a Friday, selected her crew on a Friday and hired a man named Jim Friday to be her captain. To top it off, H.M.S. Friday embarked on her maiden voyage on a Friday, and was never seen or heard from again.

Hence why you don't mess with things you don't understand. If I've got the devil's luck, well then I got it....now....it's up to me to use to for good instead of evil, and hope like hell I don't piss the devil off in the process.

Happy Friday the 13th all! Strap on your crash helmet, wear your seat belt and throw some salt over your shoulder for good measure! I have to still work at EP tonight....which is comparable to the depths of hell on ALL Friday nights, so I can only imagine the demonry that awaits me tonight!

Wish me Luck,

~hl~

Look, I don't know.....

How many times I can tell you this, but smurfette was NOT A WHORE!!

She was just really misunderstood...and popular....and blue, with a closet full of the same dress.

Look, it doesn't HAVE to make sense, it's a cartoon!...what's logical about a village of little blue people who live in mushrooms in the forest? There isn't any....that's the point.

Of course she didn't have sex with Papa smurf...why would she? He's old! And wow, that beard..oh, no way...if smurfette is anything like ME, that'd make her barf...full beards are for serial killers, unibombers and jesus...if you aren't one of these...you need to shave! Now...a nice goatee..or some stubble..ok, but big bushy beard...ewwwwww!!

Oh Whatever....she wasn't doing all of them....besides, brainy was terribly annoying, vanity...c'mon that guy couldn't stop looking at himself long enough to get it up...well, unless he got it up for himself....and hefty...he was such a fitness freak, he wouldn't of dated smurfette with her raspy, two pack a day voice she had going on......

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{This and other conversations brought to you by Eagle Print, home of the completely useless and off the wall conversation!}

Don't Anger the Crazy Guy:

So, yeah, Harry's back in touch .... errr, he WAS!

After a few casual, friendly ... "I miss you" type e-mails ... he writes the following:

question ... just to be clear... you and I... will NEVER be again, right? So hoping that one of us gets their head out of their ass is a silly notion. Just wondering because like i was saying today, I'd like to move on either way. I would hate to think I had a chance at having what I always wanted and I left it.

OH and yeah you DO have my number but lack the "skills" to ever use it... so nah!

So, I mull over the request ... I ask myself .... "Could this ever have worked, even if under different circumstances ...?"... and my answer was ... well here ...read:

Sorry it's taken so long to respond, I've been at the hospital with Rachel... here's my take on things....and i don't know if this will make things CLEAR, or only confuse you more. I think if things were going to work out, they would of. I think that while you and I have had some great, amazing, passionate times together, we also had some really frustrating, miserable times too. Although, I like to think of the happy times...when i think of you. I can't tell you ******* it'd never work out, all I can tell you is when we tried, it didn't. that's all i know.~hl~

I thought it was humane, I thought it was honest....direct but not mean. I thought it was a good reply. However...."BoneCrusher DID NOT!"

HIS REPLY:

hope Rach is okay... I 've always liked her.

Look, it didn't work out because you and I were too scared to be honest. We couldn't let go of whatever pain and big bad that put us in our jaded state. We finally met someone that knew what we were going through and someone that could give a rats ass about us! We freaked! Shit happens Heather... part of growing with someone is living through the bad, if you can then you're right "it won't work out" But I seem to remember you giving up a lot sooner then me! Yeah I know that was below the belt, but it IS true. I won't go into details (I know women love details when they are put on the spot) it isn't important anymore.
All that is (or was) important is I really did love you, and even if I fucked up when you were here and even though YOU fucked up when I stayed with you... if was still what I wanted to work out. I may not be perfect and I have my moments, but that doesn't mean you are in the clear... people will be people, and no matter how hard you try you will NEVER find someone who is PERFECT, never... there will be issues along the way and once you learn to deal the happier you will be.

I am sorry I wasn't "your type", I really thought we could have worked it out back then, but I suppose I was wrong. No matter, things have changed for me anyhow, I haven't been with anyone since you and I won't be with anyone. Relationships and me don't get along... I am WHO I am and no one is changing that! If people can't deal, then fuck them... I rather be alone.
So best to you and give a hug to Rach, hope she gets better. No need to reply Heather, you said your peace, don't need to draw this out anymore then it needs to be. Don't worry about me, I have more plans and goals that don't involve a "woman" in my life.

I thought I could keep it simple, keep it honest and avoid this drama, but......so much for that idea....Guess some things never change. I haven't seen the guy since last summer, and yet he STILL is pissed at me. And what's with that ending anyway? "Don't worry about me, i have more plans and goals that don't involve a "woman" in my life."....First of all, I'm NOT worried....it's your life, do with it as you want...I'm not going to sit around going "Oh, I wonder what ****** is up to...sure hope he's ok...*sighs*"...I've moved on. and secondly, am I supposed to be jealous that his life is not going to involve a woman? Relieved because I fucked him up so badly, he'll never date again? What IS that anyway?!

And this m'friends is why Heather doesn't like to date. This is why giving my heart to someone is so damn difficult....either they are crazy....suicidal, or just too unavailable and blind to love you back....So there ya go, three years, three sort of relationships....three explanations for failure.

Wow, I CAN'T WAIT for Valentines day.....*rolls my eyes*.....

Harry's Back....

Well, sort of.

As an aquarian, and seeing as we are in aquarian territory with it being February 8th now.....I always find that unexpected things happen around this time of the year. Last year...crazy medical melodrama, this year, my love life is kinda outta whack.

Many of you know this about me, I'm very open minded...and very forgiving. So it's not unusual for me to see an ex boyfriend, or lover and for me to be like..."hey...how are you? it's been awhile." I don't like to hold grudges, and I like to believe in my crazy little mind, that people are all pretty much good on the inside, even if they've done something shitty to me at one time or another. Or maybe I just have a really bad memory for pain, and i forget how much the bastard hurt me! *laughs*...but regardless, people from my past, seem to have a way of either staying in the present, or re-emerging on the scene.

This year....it's Harry. Remember Harry? The bald, guy who's house i barfed at...my boyfriend of last year....one of the very few guys I actually committed myself to, went to Vermont to see...etc., etc.? Yeah, well, Harry e-mailed me this week. Completely out of nowhere....unexpectedly and kind of blew my mind.

Now, Harry....wow, he was something. I'd have to say that out of the past 3 years of my new single life, he'd have to be my favorite attempt at a relationship....well the first part anyway. His kisses were soft and hard, lingering and passion-filled....our bodies fit together like they were hand drawn by the same artist...we laughed together, we watched movies, held hands, he opened car doors, we went shopping....we talked about EVERYTHING under the sun, and he was the first guy I'd dated who actually made me a part of his life. He WANTED me to meet his friends, he WANTED me to meet his folks....he WANTED the whole world to know.....this is my girl. And it'd been so long since I'd had that. Someone who wanted the whole deal. Not just sex, not just an undercover romance....not friends with benefits, but he wanted the whole shebang. It caught me by surprise when I started falling for him like I did....I really thought....wow...this might be it for me.

Which really blew my socks off because up until I met Harry, I was madly in love with this guy whom I knew I could NEVER be with....a guy that to this day is the very epitome of Katy Perry's song "Hot & Cold"...and whom I still adore....but that's another story entirely...back to "harry"...

Well, I think we can all agree that Harry's exit...was a much needed one. I'm not sure if I really told you guys all the details there, but there were some HUGE issues. And while I wish I could tell you exactly what they were....i can't really pinpoint it. All I know is, one time, I took benedryl because i was not feeling well, and i laid down after work....next thing you know, i wake up, it's 9:00 p.m. and I have like 5 messages on my voicemail....with the last one screaming at me and getting broken up with. I got broken up with for taking a nap. He thought I was avoiding him....man he said some mean things....I remember this one direct quote, which makes me laugh now...and it's ...."Oh, so you are just going to avoid me now, that's reeeeeeal fucking mature heather! Real mature!"....*laughs*....and all I did was take a nap. Has someone ever broke up with YOU for taking a nap?

So, that's just one example of how he made my life a miserable....roller coaster of emotional distress. With him, the happy times were the things that made you believe in love again....and the misery he inflicted made you want to slit your own wrists to escape. No middle ground, only highs and disastrously disheartening lows that no person should ever have to withstand.

I tried with him too....I even brought him to meet my family. BAD idea....he got mad at me over a shirt!?!?! Can you believe that, he was pissed at me because he didn't have a nice enough shirt (or so he thought) to wear to meet my family. I was like....wtf, how is THIS my fault? He wouldn't even speak to me at my Aunt's house, then the whole way home he wouldn't talk to me other than to tell me that "I" was acting like a "jerk"! He was the one who threw a temper tantrum who made my night absolutely miserable...miserable to the point that i couldn't even enjoy my time with my family because he was being such a shit that it was actually making a scene....and I ended up driving him all the way back to Fort Wayne that night (an hour drive) because he just wanted to "go home"....needless to say....it was just another crazy weekend in my "relationship".....

Buuuuut....funny story....AFTER that weekend, while the reports from my family were still coming in on Harry....I had to tell them all that we yet again broke up. And while i broke the "bad news" to them about they break up, they had news to "break" to me as well...and each one of them told me the same thing...."Heather...the dude tried to break my hand!" and the first time i heard this, I was like "What?" What do you mean he "tried to break your hand"....first, it was Angie. Then my mother, then Zach, then Rach & Mike...they all told the same tale, of introductions and bone crushing. My boyfriend "Harry"....grabbed and shook their hands so hard, that they winced in pain. My mom said she had to jerk her hand away from him before she needed to get an x-ray technician to clear her for broken fingers. Poor little Rachel said she felt as if she'd slammed her hand in a car door. and the whole time I'm like, Oh My God, I had no idea. He'd never done this to me....he shook MY hand the first time i met him, and he was a complete gentleman, opened the car door for me, opened the door at the restaurant, I'm sure if I'd of had a chair and not a booth, he'd of pulled my seat out for me.

And so I realized, I was dating the "BoneCrusher"! and I didn't even know it.

So when he wrote to me this week and he told me that he still thinks of me all the time, how I was the one person in his life that made him believe in love....he told me of how madly in love with me he'd been....and how he wishes that things could of been different....I thought warmly about our times together...he walked me down memory lane...and there were times it felt so right, and we were so happy....but when he started asking me if there were any chance that we might work things out....and that he couldn't move on or ever give up on me until I told him there were no chance....then all the fights, and hateful things he said to me....all came back. All those talks I had with Darren, where I was asking him, is it me? What am I doing wrong here?"....and Darren would be like..."Heather, it's not YOU! It's HIM...!! you're lovely, it's HIM!"...and I HAD to write him back, and say that..."If it was going to have worked, it would of by now." Because that was the only nice way I could think to put....I loved you, but you made me miserable to be alive at times.....and let me tell you, it's tough thinking up a way to sugar coat "you made me miserable to be alive!"

To Harry: Thank you for the kisses....and amazing nights together, thank you for the smiles you gave me and the hours and hours of chatter we engaged in, thank you for allowing me to be the kind of person who would buy a plane ticket and fly for the first time in the name of love...and thank you for being the person in my life, who made me realize what it is in this life I really want....and that m'friend....is someone else.