Imaginations: A obsolete trend?

The imagination is a terrible thing to waste....and has the ability to expand the more it's stimulated. Kind of like those little sponges that you put them in water and they grow like 200 times their original size....

This week while at Lilly's one year old birthday party at Jen & Rick's, I found a piece of wire lying on a table. It was like a twistie tie or something, coated in plastic. The kind of thing that holds toys in cardboard boxes. Anyway, I started playing with it....keeping myself occupied. My friend Tina's Husband John was sitting at the table with me and watched as i began to make a shape out of the little wire. I showed him the finished product and then slid the wire across the table and said "beat that!" It started out slow, but after about 45 minutes of this, we were getting quite crafty....making everything from reading glasses to tweasers, to frying pans.....we laughed and laughed and laughed.

I grew up in a very imaginative house....I mean, we had to imagine, it was the best toy we had. We didn't have parents who could afford the top of the line toys, the toys that kill a child's imagination. We had a sandbox to which we created our own playing grounds, we made forts...(I even made one out of poison ivy one time...Rachel if you are reading this....sorry! I know you had it quite bad)....we played with our boy cousins playing war tag and cowboys and indians...which was pretty sweet considering we had live horses to play with...made for a very realistic kind of game. Every month my sisters and I would preform a live talent show in front of my parents where we would sing along to songs we played on my parents record collection. We'd stand infront of this pleather laundry hamper that we used as a podium and sing our songs into a microphone that was actually a log from a die cast logging truck of my brother's. Angie always got first place, I always got second....poor Brooke always got third.....Sorry about that Brooke...Angie was in charge of ribbon distribution....

I just wonder what children of today will turn out like without ever HAVING to use their imaginations in the same way that children of the past have. I mean I know that I am who I am today because of the events leading up to today. My imagination is developed because i was forced to use it so readily as a child. I just wonder......what will tomorrow's children be like? Will they have the ability to sit quietly on the roots of a tree on the bank of the Auglaize River and be entertained by watching water flow freely over their feet?

Chew Toy?

Is it just me, or has puppy chew toys started to resemble recycled sex toys?

This one looks like it should say "ribbed for her pleasure"

Phoenix

Introducing Miss Phoenix

Two weeks ago, I met my new love.

She’s a gorgeous Black Labrador Retriever….six weeks old and I adore her. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt attached….you hear that, I’m attached to her. Even though she has bad (puppy) breath and bites my heels while I’m getting ready for work I can't wait to get home to see her, and kiss her little wet nose.

It feels good to love......and to be loved.....

Confessions.....of the not so obvious type

Last night I slept with the lights on in my bedroom and laid the wrong way in bed so my feet would dangle over the edge. I do weird things like that when I’m alone. I have a great deal of little idiosyncrasies that make up the whole of me. For instance….I only like green bananas.

I always hit the snooze button atleast 3-4 times before I ever wake up.

Everytime I drive away from my house, I always fear it won't be there when i get back.

I always try to match the color of my socks with the color of my panties which then have to match the color of my shirt...but I don't match the bra.

I smoked from the time I was 12 until i was 22 on and off..I've never been addicted, I can stop anytime I want, and even now, I like to smoke on my back porch in the summer time and early fall. Once it gets too cold, I don't smoke again until the following year unless I'm seriously stressed.

I was one of the best welders in my class in high school Vo-Ag and I rather enjoyed the idea of fire and metal and the ability to create using such methods.

I’m not a big fan of sweets….except for orange rolls, cookies and toast with sugar and cinnamon. I usually do not get a birthday cake on my birthday because I don’t particularly care for cake.

I believe the truest form of honor is to love someone even after they’ve left you.

I always keep my cell phone on vibrate and I hate to answer my home phone.

In the summer when my pine trees are filled with doves and they are making their little dove noises, I often mimic it back to them and engage in some bird conversation…and even though I’m not sure what it is that we are saying to each other, I’m communicating with a creature who knows things I do not. I've done this since i was a kid....

I like to sit quietly alone for long periods of time in nature being very still while taking in and distinguishing between the smells of the grass, dirt, wild onions, fishy water, flowering weeds…….

I value friendship as much as love, I’m not sure if I believe that there is one perfect person for everyone…..some days I do, some days I don’t.

Up until last year, I had a really crappy Charlie Brownesque Christmas tree to which my mom bought me at a garage sale for $2.00. To make it look bigger than it was, I would always prop it up on top of a plastic milk crate. It was a funny sight, but it never occurred to me to change my ways. Now that I have a better tree, all of 7’ tall, I miss the ghetto tree and milk crate.

My old Roommate and best friend Amber used to play a game when we lived together where she would open something in the refrigerator and I would be in the other room not able to see her and when she opened a jar from our refrigerator, I would be able to tell her what she opened based on smell alone, from the other room. It was really quite something.

When listening to Kid Rock (which i often do), I always get the urge to smoke pot......even though I don't smoke pot.....

I always eat a loaf of bread from the middle section working my way to the back and then I eat the front pieces.

I’m terrible with numbers and equations, and when taking my math class this summer, it was the stupidest I’ve felt since not being able to do a math problem on the blackboard back in the 4th grade.

I believe that a person’s eyes communicate as much, maybe even more than one’s mouth does. Perfect strangers tell you things with simple looks, but most people never take the time to get their messages. They’ll check their email, text messages and voicemail, but they totally overlook the communications exchanged in its simplest form.

I have a great fear of getting old. I’d much rather face death than incontinence.

I love kids, but don’t know if I’m mom material. I cannot imagine a life where holidays aren’t spent with a house full of people….but I don’t know if I need to create people with my womb to fill the house, maybe there will just be people there created by someone else’s womb….

I really only like to shop alone, wandering around half in a trance among the racks of clothing and isles of products…..hypnotized by passersby and the store’s paging system. I could spend an hour in the book section alone…..

I love argyle patterned things, but the only thing I own with that pattern is a pair of socks.

One of the greatest things anyone can ever do for me, is play with my hair and lightly scratch my head with their fingernails while they run their fingers through my hair. Given the choice between $50.00 and head scratching and hair playing, I honestly think I would choose the latter.

Perfume gives me a headache and I hate pointy toed shoes.

I cry every time I watch Bridges of Madison County…..and it’s my life long wish to have my hair washed by Robert Redford the way he did in the movie “Out of Africa” for Meryl Streep.

I have issues with the term “making love”….I don’t know why I despise the phrase like I do….this makes me wonder if I have intimacy issues and truly don’t understand the connection between love and sex…..

With all of these things…..random bits of insanity……how anyone could ever understand me…or even truly love me… I’ll never know.


Current Mood: lacking motivation to work
Current Music: Maroon 5

When Left to my Own Devices

Last night I did something a wee bit wacky. I was going through my closet where I have been keeping my Christmas gifts. I found a Santa hat that I had bought and along side of it was a hot pink wig my co-workers got me as a joke in a gift exchange a few years back, plus these two black wigs that I bought this year after Halloween for like 75 cents. I grabbed one of the black wigs and decided to try it on. Don’t ask me why, I was just restless and well, wigs seemed like the thing to do at the time.

So I put the first one on and stared at myself intently in the mirror. I looked drastically strange and foreign. See both wigs are supposedly gothic looking. Once I tried on these two wigs I then felt the need to go one step further….I went to the bathroom and pulled out my makeup kit. I took black eyeliner and lip-gloss to make myself some black lipstick. I outlined my eyes with thick black lines, extending the corners of my eyes out in an obvious dark shading technique. I put on some light powder for a very pale complexion which isn’t a stretch considering my fare skin, but I needed to look porcelain to go with my black hair, black eyes and black lips. Once finished, I took a step back and looking in the mirror and saw a complete stranger looking back at me. It was remarkable what a little fake hair and makeup can do to a person. I must have stared at my reflection for a good ten to fifteen minutes before I realized how much time had passed.

I started thinking about why people would make their appearance like the one that I had created. I thought about all of those kids you see at the mall, or where ever wearing dog collars, Mohawks, Kiss boots, jeans that are so baggy they’d fall off of a 400 pound person…..to conventional eyes, these are signs of dysfunction, but really, they are just signs of expression. See we all have a dark side. We all have places in our souls where darkness resides, some people revel in being in touch with their demons. Some want to make their outsides resemble their insides. Some might see ugliness, while others see difference. I know in my life I have always strived to NOT be like everyone else. Sure there are things that I do that millions of others do as well, but those aren’t the things I take pride in necessarily. I’ve been born into a environment that allowed for me to be different and unusual my whole life. I had many things that were specific to me and no one else in our small community, so being different is something I can definitely identify with.Some people hide behind their masks of gothic appearance, but it’s hardly different from the rest of the world. So many of us hide behind masks, some pain is easily masked by a simple smile. Haven’t we all done that?

So I guess, last night was really exceptional in the fact that I really took myself out of my comfort zone. A person’s looks are usually tightly controlled. People do not normally make drastic changes in their appearance without major consideration or unhappiness by their current appearance. It felt good to be able to see myself in a different light and also those of whom I mimicked my appearance from. So yeah, I realize walking around my house on a Tuesday at 1 a.m. wigged out like a gothic chick isn’t normal, some may even think I’m unstable, imbalanced or a little crazy, but what did you learn about life yesterday? Make any discoveries about yourself, or the people in the world around you? If you didn’t, you shouldn’t judge others by what you don’t do, or wouldn’t do….you shouldn’t judge others at all. And for those of you who did, the ones who keep their eyes open to all that there is to see…..I look forward to hearing about what you learned today, yesterday and tomorrow!


Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Rocket Man - Elton John

Finally It's Official

The results are in:
Fall Quarter 2005

ECN 141 01 Macro Economics A-
LEG 199 01 Ind Study/Legal Assisting A-
LEG 205 01 Real Estate Transactions A

The grades on the books......It's official.....I graduated.


Current Mood: relaxing
Current Music: Switchfoot - Dare you to Move

T.G.I.F.

Ever have one of those days when you wake up and you think, ahhh it’s finally Friday….you stretch, wiggle your toes and you just know it’s going to be a great day?Well friends, I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a feeling of happiness that had saturated my soul. See yesterday I downloaded some new music and I was just inspired feeling. I had guitar practice to which Rachel and I’s Little Drummer Boy Christmas performance song had really come together. I was having a good hair week, my cold has some lingering effects, but mostly gone now and well, I’m just feeling good overall. All of these feelings acknowledged within the first 2 minutes of waking and firmly intact as I put my bare feet into my black slippers and headed downstairs to pee. It’s then that my story takes a turn for the worst.

Once at the bottom on the stairs I remembered that my dog Phoebe had broken into the house around 5:30 a.m. and I just had a feeling that she had done more than gotten into the trash, so I looked around the house, and sure enough, she had taken a crap on my black rug in my office. Man was I pissed. I had told Keith that since he didn’t shut the door all the way that it was his responsibility to clean up any mess that was caused by his lack of attention to detail. But, this is what I had to deal with and I certainly couldn’t leave it sit until later to make him clean it up, so I got my paper towels, a bucket of hot soapy water and went to work, gagging mind you at the vileness that only dog shit at 7:30 a.m. has to offer. So once I had that done, then I went back up stairs to get dressed.

Once back in the sanctity of my bedroom, life was well again. My navy blue wall, the blues and whites of my room's accents soothed me and the snow falling beautifully outside my window was just too lovely outside to feel so disheartened inside.I put on a long khaki skirt with slits up the side which exposed my black knee-high boots, a black vest and khaki blouse underneath. I haven’t worn a skirt since the weather has gone cold, but I just felt like being pretty today. I Headed back downstairs to put on make up and that’s when I was dealt the second blow to my optimistic mood.

I have a pimple!?!?!?! Can you believe it, after 3 years of not having a single one, I have one. It’s small and fairly unnoticeable to the naked eye, but damn it, I know it’s there and it just sucks! I put my hands in the air while looking at my new friend who I’ve named Mr. Pimple and said “First dog shit, now acne, what’s next?”

Well, now it’s 11:00 a.m. and so far, nothing else has happened. I am happy once again; spirits back to an astounding level thanks to my soul bearing musically talented friends Aretha Franklin and Otis Redding. If you haven’t ever been moved by a song, please go and listen to “I’ve been Loving You” and “These Arms of Mine” by Otis, or “Son of a Preacher Man” by Aretha. You are sure to feel something. It’s impossible not to. Although, Joan Osborne’s live edition of “Son of a Preacher Man” is really quite good, and that’s one I downloaded yesterday. Otis’ voice is just a perfect mixture of soul, raspy grainy texture and warmth. I’ve loved Otis for years….his music is truly a part of me. So check him out, he won’t disappoint you.Well, I need to get my butt back to work, I have so much work to do today……think I’ll put on my head phones, get lost in some soul for a few hours! Happy Friday!


Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: My Love ~ Otis Redding

Random Holiday Thoughts....

Northwest Ohio…..covered in snow, with seven more inches underway and I drive a Dodge Neon. According to my insurance company the neon is apparently one of the most unsafe small cars on the road. This little known fact that I kept contemplating as I was slipping and sliding along my normally 25 minute commute to Ottawa which turned into an hour and ten minute one.

Soon the roads will become in-travelable and I’ll be stranded here at work. Right now I’m kicking myself for wearing my crisp white collared blouse, corset black velvet vest and black pinstriped pants. Had I wore my Aeropostle hooded sweatshirt and old blue jeans I would at least be comfortable while sleeping here at my desk tonight! This might be a good time to remind myself to stop watching what the weather in California is like, and pay attention to the more important weather forecasts here locally.

I can’t believe there is only seven more working days until Christmas. It’s just crazy how time flies. Christmas will be a little sad for my sister Brooke this year, being without her love Vik, and my heart aches for her. I hope that the warmth of the season, and the love from me and my home will help her through this time. We all have our problems, and nobody’s life is perfect. I just hope she can find it within herself to make the best of the situation, and know that love doesn’t have to come from a man in order to feel fulfilled. If you can manage to look over the sometimes irritable holiday shoppers and the long lines everywhere you go, you would see that love is all around us, you see it in the eyes of a child when they get to put their money into the salvation army bucket, you see it in the determined efforts so many make to be with the people they love, you see it while watching a mother’s face as her children open their gifts in pure excitement and joy. The spirit of giving and loving is overwhelming and quite contagious I might add. It’s a shame that during this season of love we have troops in a foreign land away from their families, constantly on guard and heavyhearted with their duties to their country and the duty to be a father/mother, a husband/wife to their families back home. I can’t tell you that war is an answer to our Middle Eastern conflict; I can’t tell you that we went into it with the truest of intentions, but we are there nonetheless, so I pray that not another soldier’s life will be lost on foreign soil. Let them come home, grow old and honor their country with their lives, not their deaths. For how do you win against an enemy that hides among the innocent and will gladly die not for their country, but for their religion. How do you succeed in gaining the trust of the people, when we don’t even know which people we can trust. So keep them in your prayers!

Finally, try to remember that a little charity goes a long way. Don’t forget that with a tiny twist of fate (hurricanes, tsunamis, house fires and job loss), we all could be down on our luck, homeless and alone. We’ve all been asked to give from 9/11 to present. We’ve seen the good and heroic efforts of everyone from the average citizen to our police, fire fighters and National Guard and we’ve seen the ugliness mankind is also capable of in the flooded conditions in New Orleans and the way some people take advantage of others in times of need. Society isn’t perfect; there will always be good v. evil. We just have to not let the evil drown out the good. Be smart, informed and openhearted in your giving and the rewards will be worth the cost.


Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Otis Redding - White Christmas

Everything Happens for a Reason

I’ve always said that everything happens for a reason.

I’m a firm believer in the fact that nothing just happens to you. There’s a reason behind it. Whether you want to believe it’s God, or karma, or the cosmos, depending what your beliefs are.

Well, when I say everything, that includes everyone you meet. Within the past few weeks, I’ve really realized how just one person can have an effect on you that can last long after the relationship has passed. Each person that comes into our life has some meaning, some truth to offer our existence.It’s the people you meet casually in passing that really surprise you. The people that one day are strangers and the next they are your confidant can sneak up on you. Mostly because you don’t expect it.

Do you ever notice that the older you get, the harder it is to make new friends. Friends that last longer than a quarter at school. I can’t tell you that I’ve personally had a hard time with this, since I have still managed to make some good friends while in college….however, too many people I know haven’t made a new friend in ages. Friends are truly hard to come by. But occasionally, miraculously a new person finds their way into your life. When they do, it’s unfamiliar; it’s new and intriguing. You have those talks that last long after you would have normally said goodbye to any other person. Most of the time you never know their true value until months or even years after you’ve met them. Rarely do you recognize their significance up front or even a week or two into the relationship. BUT sometimes the meaning is evident.

I’ve met some really exceptional people in my life. I’ve been blessed time and time again with people who challenge me, and intrigue me. Some I’ve been lucky enough to sustain long lasting friendships with, others who I wasn’t so lucky with. Nonetheless, they were important. Too many times, I think we forget to look around us and think about what each and every single person, every relationship contributes to our life. We get so wrapped up in life, making money, starting families, that we lose sight of what’s important. People. People are important. Even the people who you feel have wronged you, have contributed. Sometimes, I’m thankful for the ones who wrecked me as much as I am for the ones who rescued me while I was a wreck.

I wrote a poem once about my past f*cked up love life….I thought now might be a good time to share it with you…...it’s called Damaged…..so here goes: [DISCLAIMER: I've never claimed to be a talented poet, but dedicated to writing poems nonetheless]

When did I become damaged goods?
When did I become this scarred shell where my presence once stood?

Was it when at fifteen I was left pregnant and alone?
Was it when he denied it was his over the hospital’s phone?

Was it when I then lost my child unborn?
And had to hide my tears of morn?

Maybe it was when forced to accept my first lover thought I was a whore.
Realizing I lost my innocence to someone who didn’t even want me anymore

At sixteen the one I trusted abandoned me for a newly impregnated single mother…
Just when I started to trust again I was cheated and lied to by yet another.

It could have been when I was verbally abused and left black and blue
Or when I was guilted into doing those things I didn’t want to

Perhaps it was done by the one who offered promise and assurance
I foolishly believed his love had more than enough endurance
But he lied too; he made promises he couldn't keep

He disappeared and left my heart to weep
So many hurts, so many painsI don’t regret them leaving me changed

I’ve risen and fallen but never regressed
Some say I’m plagued, I say I’m blessed

For I’ve had many lovers, many more than maybe I deserve
I’ve been given the unique opportunity to learn, feel and observe

The men in my life may not have been carefully chosen
But they have not left me without emotion

Yes I am scarred and yes I’ve been broken
Yes I’ve been deserted and left with words unspoken

But that’s okay, I welcome the feeling
For without pain there could be no healing

My heart is not hardened, nor is it dead
Some lessons can’t avoided by merely looking ahead

I am not untrusting; these men were not the end of me
I may be a little damaged, but the knowledge gained goes on indefinitely.

Thank you all for loving me for those of you who did
I won’t forget you nor keep you hid

For you are a part of me, my life, my history
There’s just no reason for you to remain mysteries

I realize that you are no longer physically here
But I see you in me every time I look in the mirror

Like it or not, you’ve left your mark
For once entered you'll never truly leave my heart.


Current Mood: going to sleep..finally!
Current Music: Charlie Brown Christmas Music

All Amped up on Gatorade and Granola Bars.

I assume it’s because of my cold that I have zero appetite. Last night I stood in my kitchen and although I have little to choose from since I haven’t gotten groceries for a few weeks, nothing sounded good. Normally when nothing looks good in the cabinets, it’s usually a good time to send out for pizza, but even my beloved pizza didn’t make my mouth water. Finally, I made a peanut butter sandwich to which after taking one bite of, I gave to my dog Phoebe. It just tasted like nothingness and well, why put nothingness into your body, I just assume go without.

After a lot of rummaging, I finally made some Velveeta Shells and Cheese which wasn’t all that great, but it was warm and I was freezing, so I forced it down. It had been since noon the day before since I’d eaten anything and I knew I had to get something down if I ever hope to get well again.

Today I’ve had a granola bar and my favorite Gatorade and for some reason it’s like the best thing I’ve had in days. Strange combination of goodness, but it was delicious and I now wish I had packed two granola bars so I could have one for lunch as well.

So tell me, what do people do after work in normal households? Since I’ve finished college, I’m kind of lost. Every day, I come home, I go straight to my office out of habit, turn on my computer and sit down, and realize, “Heather, you have nothing to do!” I can’t remember a time when the six or so hours after work seemed so long. Usually I’m scrambling wondering how I can fit a lifetime’s worth of work within those same time constraints. Now, I look at the clock and wonder if it’ll ever be midnight (my bedtime).

I wanted to take some time just to relax after so many weeks of cramming and stressing, but now I think trying to slow down is stressing me out more than all that was stressing me before. I hope I haven’t completely lost the ability to enjoy sitting quietly by myself, alone with my thoughts. I used to do it so well people wondered what was wrong with me!Anyway, I’m sure, once I get back in the swing of things, get back to swimming and working out at the YMCA, plus guitar and yoga class, I’ll start to feel less lost and more like myself. It may be the New Year before I start to feel some sort of normalcy in life; however maybe I’ll never return to what was once normal. Perhaps 2006 will present its own set of new prospects and challenges beyond those I’ve even began to fathom.

2006 marks the 10 year anniversary of my graduation from high school. So ten years after high school, I’m going to wear a cap and gown and graduate from college. I’m going to turn 28 years old. There’s the possibility that another era of my life could come to an end. Like I said before, I’m wide open. It’ll be interesting to see what will happen next. Stay with me won’t you? (sounds like something Mr. Rogers would say doesn’t it?…..smiling while humming the “won’t you be my neighbor” song!) Have a great Wednesday all!


Current Mood: groggy
Current Music: Matchbox 20 - Back to Good

Movie Picks

My Aunt recently called me and wanted to know what my favorite movie was. To me that question just doesn't allow me to answer it. I mean picking a favorite movie is like picking your favorite sunset. Sunsets are all different and all good. I couldn't give her an answer. I felt kind of bad not being able to give her a dinfinitive answer, but I just couldn't pick only one.

Here is a list of SOME of my favorites (not numbered in any particular order of likeness)

Comedy:
1. Super Troopers
2. Old School
3. All John Candy Movies
4. Lampoons Summer Vacation
5. Joe Dirt
6. Wedding Crashers
7. Tommy Boy
8. Stuck on You
9. The Wedding Singer
10. Office Space
11. Duets

Drama:
1. A Time To Kill
2. Beyond Borders
3. A Few Good Men
4. The Client
5. Erin Brockavich
6. Under the Tuscan Sun
7. Closer
8. Million Dollar Baby
9. Life as a House
10. Dead Man Walking

Love Stories/Romantic Comedy:
1. Bridges of Madison County
2. Love Actually
3. Notting Hill
4. The Notebook
5. When Harry Met Sally
6. The Wedding Planner
7. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
8. The Way we Were
9. Up Close & Personal
10. Bridget Jones' Diary

Holiday Favorites:
1. Lampoons Christmas Vacation
2. Little Women
3. Badder Santa
4. White Christmas
5. Love Actually
6. Home for the Holidays
7. Elf
8. Muppet Christmas Carol

Please leave feedback on what movies I'm forgetting....or the ones I should have listed because they are just too good to be left off of any favorites list!


Current Mood: hungry - skipped lunch today
Current Music: Nora Jones

Under the Weather

I’ve been sick now for over a week. At first I thought I was just drained from the stress of finals week, but after the second day of my initial sore throat, I realized, this was more than just a scratchy throat from too much talking and too little sleep.I’ve felt like absolute crap, but I still managed to survive finals, and not miss a day of work due to my illness.

The crazy thing about being sick is that after awhile, you just kind of get used to the stuffy nose, the coughing, the sinus pain and pressure. As I sit here at my desk at work, I’m blowing my nose, coughing, sneezing and clearing my throat and it just hasn’t occurred to me that people actually stay at home and rest when they feel like this. Me on the other hand, I went away for the weekend to Columbus and didn’t really rest much at all.

People keep telling me that I need to take better care of myself, but I’ve come to the conclusion, that I’m not sure that I know what’s best for me. Ever hear that expression that starts out like this…. “If you knew what was good for you, you’d…..” Well I’m apparently one of those people who people say that to! I hope I feel better soon…..other wise it’s another week of no appetite, the excessive use of Kleenexes, drinking of Alka-Seltzer and not resting.

The cool thing about being sick is that no matter what you do wrong, you can just say “Hey, I’m sick!”
For example:

Boss: Ah Heather, late for work eh?
Heather: Hey, I’m sick, you are lucky I came in at all.

Keith: I’m out of socks, think you could do some laundry?
Heather: Hey, I’m sick, I can barely breathe and you want clean socks?

Police Officer: So Ms. Stewart, where are you going in such a hurry?
Heather: Hey, I’m sick, I’m just trying to get home and get to bed before my cold medicine kicks in.

Library Clerk: You know these books are overdue?
Heather: I’ve been sick; I just couldn’t bring them back any sooner!

So, for those of you in doubt, there is an upside to being sick. The downside most likely will outweigh any upsides, but I always try to look on the bright side of any situation. The biggest bright side of having a cold is that people get to see that you aren’t invincible. That even the strongest people sometimes need taken care of. So tonight, I’m going home, crawling onto my couch, coving up with the raggedy quilt my mom tried to sew together some 20 years ago and I’m going to get that rest that I apparently so desperately need. Laundry will just have to wait a few more days.


Current Mood: sick
Current Music: AC/DC - Not by choice

A Variety of things....

{Oh, the weather outside is frightful, by my journal is so delightful, and since we’ve no place to goooooo, let is snow, let it snow, let it snow.}

The thing I like about snow is, it quiets the world. It’s as if God himself has hit the mute button and silence falls with you right in the middle. Everything moves slower, more dedicated in it’s course. The track they leave behind as a sign of all of those who came before us. A blanket of white and sparkling snow silences all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Big snowflakes allow traffic lights to cast green and red illumination to entire intersections.

I was pumping gas today after work, the snow falling and landing on my nose, a few flakes landing on the back of my neck, causing me to squirm a little and re-adjust my scarf….but I was smiling. See today, today was my first day of life after college. Yes, that’s right, I’m officially completed with my course work.

My world, now covered in snow, and literally wide open. I am standing at a place in the road that could lead me wherever I chose to travel. Nothing holding me back, and here I stand in my favorite pair of blue jeans, smiling about stupid simple snowflakes. It could be the lack of sleep talking considering I’m seriously deprived at the moment, but life just feels different. I feel different. I’m 27 years old and I’m wide open. What an amazing feeling!I’ve spent my whole life trying to fit myself into a category. Trying to be what I thought it was I was supposed to be like, but as it turns out, I’ve never REALLY wanted to be the way I thought I should be. Does that make sense?

Also today, my cousin Rachel asked me if it was pathetic that she felt as though I was her only REAL friend. It kind of stopped me in my tracks. It kind of choked me up too. She’s probably one of the only people in the world who REALLY know me. See I have friends, many great, great friends. They are all people who are very special to me. But I find that I share certain things with certain friends. When I have problems…I have certain people who I always know I can talk to about them. When I have entertaining stories, or laughter to share, I have friends who fill that need, you know people who laugh with you, then you have your friends who share same interests as you, so if you want to go to the movies, you call your movie going friends….I won’t go on for I think you get my point….but I find it difficult sometimes to let people see all of me. The good, the bad, the happy and sad, the insecure and overly compassionate me. Bear with me while I keep trying to grow. I hope to be better at this in the future.

Last week I felt as though the whole world was falling down around me. I couldn’t have found my smile through my tears even if I’d wanted to. This week, I’ve never felt more loved or supported by the people who have been with me. Maybe not physically, but they have been with me emotionally. I never thought I was the type of person who NEEDED very much emotional support, but it’s been coming at me from all directions. Compassion, love, support and hope have all been restored through the offerings of people, who for reasons beyond that of my comprehension, care about me. Two people who have always been there, and two who were completely out of the blue. I’ve been ripped open, my heart exposed; no more hiding. So to summarize, this week I concluded my education on Paralegal studies, and now I’m embarking on a journey that is un-chartered territory for me…..the rest of my life...


Current Mood: loved
Current Music: I wanted - Sister Hazel

A Little Warmth Would Do Us All Some Good....

It's 2:09 am on a frigid Tuesday morning here in Ohio and I'm now one final away from being a college graduate. Well, one final and one diversity paper submission away.

Tonight is the first deep breath I've been able to take. This weekend has taken its toll on me. First last week’s nightmare week, and then trying to do all one million things I have to get done, all in one weekend. So the daytime was spent with my family and the nights until 4-5 am, after everyone went to sleep, I would study and work on my remaining assignments. My house is amazingly silent after midnight.

The biggest stress this weekend was Christmas shopping. Christmas shopping is something that is a necessary evil in my opinion. I would love it if i could be one of those planner type people who are buying presents all year long and come December 25th have everything bought, wrapped and strategically placed under the tree. Unfortunately, I'm more of a whirlwind. Christmas shopping, and for that matter shopping in general is exhausting. There are very few times when I find it to be enjoyable. First of all when you have money to spend, you can't find anything you like, and when you are flat broke, everything you see is something you would die to have. It's just my shopping karma.

At Christmastime things are even worse, people are stressed, shoppers growing more frantic by the day, store clerk's smiles turn into frowns and you find yourself wanting to rip someone's head off because the damn upbeat techno Christmas music at old navy somehow managed to record itself to your subconscious which will drive you to the brink. Saturday while visiting J.C. Penny's at the Lima Mall, I found myself left with my mouth gaping open upon witnessing a mother, father and daughter all entering the mall. I had just went to the restroom and was walking back to find my mother so i was traveling in this family's direction. The mother told her teenage daughter to take the bandana she was wearing off, and the daughter said that she didn't want to take it off because her hair was a wreck underneath, and just like that, that mother turned around, threw her arm onto the chest of her daughter and grabbed her by the shirt...which in the process equaled to a punch to the chest. She warned her that she "better not act like an idiot up in here!" I just watched in complete shock as to the harshness, and openness of this behavior. It seriously was a Jerry Springer kind of moment, one i wish i wouldn't have witnessed with just six inches of separation between myself and them.

I think punching your daughter in the chest and roughing her up in the isle at J.C. Penny’s would be considered anti-Christmas behavior wouldn’t you?What is wrong with people? I’m having a semi-sucky crisis in my life as of lately and I don’t particularly remember a time when I was rude, mean, or angry enough to strike someone. It’s like some of us get so used to abuse that it seems normal. So normal that apparently it's not even confined to private. People are just openly doing it and without the least bit of embarassment regarding their actions. I blame it all on reality television. *WINK*

I know that in my life I’ve had some experience with abusive behavior; the men in my life haven’t always been saints. I became complacent in relationships of the past and stayed longer than I should of even when I wasn’t being treated the best. Hell my own father was the worst of them all. He used to tell me that if didn’t care about me, he wouldn’t punish me so harshly. Although I have to tell you that smashing my head into my bedroom wall, or kicking me repeatedly in the ass while yanking on my hair so I couldn’t get away hardly qualifies as signs of love. When it came to my father, I never mistook his abuse as anything but abuse. It was just clear to me his rage against me and my siblings wasn’t painful to him at all. An interesting thing about abusive relationships, they never seem to start off that way.

Girl meets boy, they fall in love, they are happy. Then things gradually turn abusive. I don’t know of too many cases where a guy beats a girl on their first date and a second date then follows. It just goes to show how people don’t necessarily want to be abused; they just sometimes don’t have the strength to stop it. Strength can be measured by our willingness to do something, however unpleasant or frightening in order to reach our goals. Unfortunately not everybody has the strength to save themselves from themselves. Abuse becomes a way of life that we factor in as just another unpleasant occurrence as acceptable as a rainy day.It’s not just our significant others who abuse us either. It can be done by our boss, friends, co-workers or family members. Maybe not physical abuse, but definitely emotional. As a race, we aren’t always the most advanced in treating others with respect and humility 100% of the time unfortunately.

In conclusion, take a look around you; evaluate the people in your life. Do they all treat you in a manner you deserve? Do they support you, love you and give you positive feedback? I’ve just recently been reminded that there STILL are people out there who openly will give you all of these things….and are happy to do it. I wish this holiday season we could all be so lucky to have more people in our lives who fit that description.


Current Mood: Tired & Calm
Current Music: Tracy Chapman - Remember the Tinman

Two out of Three Ain't Bad.....Right?

Okay, so the last issue presented to me was fear. A fear of the worst kind. However today, the fear has passed. A calm that can only come with acceptance and hope of the most dignified type. I wish I could tell you that everything is alright, and life will continue just as before, but sometimes you need to die a little in order to experience rebirth.

It’s time to sprout some new leaves, or at least turn one over. You know how sometimes, after a forest fire, everything grows back greener and more luscious than before, maybe someday I’ll look back upon this week and not see devastation, but see a necessary change that was needed for growth to begin again.I may be eternally optimistic…….obstinately hopeful…..why couldn’t I be fearless too?


Current Mood: okay
Current Music: The Movie "The Wedding Planner" playing in the distance.....

Fear

Fear is a paralyzing phenomenon. Even the bravest of the brave have deep seeded fears that they and only they know exist within themselves. What is it about the unknown that cripples us?

This week has been heart breaking and eye opening in many ways. I learned that no matter how hard you try, you can’t always get what you want, even if it’s from the person who is the closest to you. I learned that with a drop of a hat, my life could be different in a million ways.

I learned that in times of trouble to gain perspective and clarity, sometimes the best person to talk to, is someone outside of your world, who has the ability to listen with an open mind. I learned that a true friend brings you ice-cream, gossip magazines and secret treasures as heartfelt gifts of hope and warmth. I learned that sometimes listening to a CD in your car radio doesn’t drown out all the noise in one's head, so you put on headphones and play them as loud as they will go, so as to drown out even the sound of your own heartbeat, or in this case heart break.

I’ve learned that maturity doesn’t come with age, it comes from your willingness to learn from your mistakes, to really live, to try new things, test your theories, feel all the emotions available to feel and understand how each of them came about, AND STOP BEING SO AFRAID TO BE YOU, the you that wants those things you hide.

I learned that the want of love and support isn’t a selfish want; it’s apparently a basic need that I shouldn’t feel bad about wanting. I’ve learned that being vulnerable is the most honest any person is capable of being. I learned that happiness is ultimately in your own hands, happiness is a made up by the choices you make. You control your destined happiness, you can choose to be mildly happy, miserable, or you can made tough decisions that can lead to your optimal happiness.

Being afraid is no way to live. Loyalty to others is a valued trait, but if you can’t first be loyal to yourself are you really being loyal to anybody? It’s a lot to learn in a matter of days. I will be forever changed by this week. I only hope I can put this knowledge to good use. Life is just too short not to.


Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Rock Mix CD