That's "Ms. Bitch" to you.....PS I love you....

I don't know HOW many times I've been told "Heather you are too nice"..."You need to stand up for yourself" .... "Why didn't you ... ?"

So in an effort to MAKE something good come of my recent sickness, which resulted in the re-emerging of "Mean Heather" or aka "Negative Heather", I've decided to harness this bad energy and use it for my own good.

The other day I got a bill from Lima Pathology from the culture my family Dr. took before I went in the hospital. My Dr. swabbed the wrong area and I wanted to tell her at the time that she wasn't doing it right, but I'm not a medical Dr. and I was too nice at the time to demand her to redo it, so I let it go. Naturally, the results came back negative for Staph...and sure, she might as well have swabbed the bottom of my foot, she'd have gotten the same results. So when I got a bill for $119.00, I was pissed...it comes pretty easy this month....so I decided, I'm going to send the bill to my Dr. and tell her to pay it. Respectfully of course. And guess what, I totally did it. I wrote her a letter and told her that while I appreciate all she did for me, I didn't want to pay for something that was done incorrectly, therefore unnecessary for it determined nothing.

It felt good. I was like "Hell Yeah!"... telling people you aren't happy rocks! So I didn't stop there...I wrote a letter to my Landlord with my monthly rent check and I told HIM that he should be taking it under advisement that I need to be compensated for the mishap with the whole washer and dryer situation and how I've been paying for Justin's utilities for a year now. Again, respectfully as always, but to the point and direct.

It didn't stop there.....

A friend of mine, a guy....has been in my life for a while now.....like 8 years. And while I used to think I wanted to "be there" for this guy, I've determined that no matter if I'm there for him 1 or 1 million times, he's always just going to use me for whatever his little heart desires. He's not "there for" ME. So what the hell am I doing keeping this toxic relationship going? I'm not THAT hard up for friends....I have lots, so why am I still being his little bitch when our whole relationship is TAKE, TAKE, TAKE....and me GIVING, GIVING, GIVING!! Instead of being his whore, I'm like his little errand runner or something....and well, my gopher (GOFOR) days are coming to an abrupt halt. I should tell you the straw that broke the camel's back being when I was laying in the hospital last week, he asked me to run one of his little errands..and I was like "WHAT?!?!?! I'm lying in a hospital bed, I CAN'T DO THAT!!!"...yeah, I think that might have been the moment when "Mean Heather" resurfaced on the scene.

So, I wrote him a letter...told him our friendship had become one-sided and that I didn't want to do it anymore. Yeah, I totally sent it too.

Many of you know, I'm a notorious letter writer, Oh, I'll get my panties in a bunch and my fingers get all fidgety and I write and get it all out on paper, I THINK I will send the letter, but I always back out, I come to my "Nice girl" senses and I think, "Oh no, no,no...I CAN'T send THAT!" I throw it away and go back to being a doormat.

Well friends, I wrote three letters this week, two of which I actually sent, and one which I will be sending out next week. I figure if I HAVE to be a bitch, I might as well aim my new found "I don't give a shit" attitude towards people who just might need to hear it....In letter form of course, because no matter how big I talk, I'm still a total big wimp who cares to much and bites her tongue more than she should!

Man, I have to tell you...It sure did feel good when I heard that envelope hit the bottom of my mailbox...finally, my message is getting sent....and you know what, I don't have a single regret.

However, should my landlord evict me....um, yeah, one of you guys are going to have to take me in! *laughs*

~hl~

Should I stay or should I GROW?!

{Growing together - the perfect couple}

{My infamous work route trees}

I've been thinking a lot about relationships.....why some of them work, and others crash and burn. What makes or breaks a union.

I asked several of my friends their thoughts on the subject...some said it's dedication, others said compatibility, while even more said it's compromise. What's the ole saying, those who play together, stay together? Think that's true?

Anyway, so my theory for longevity is growing together. Which is something that not everyone can do. In every relationship, each person needs to have room to grow, to become their ultimate final destination selves, but in order to do it while in a couple, in a way, the two need to grow together. Which I have to tell you is no easy feat.

There are these two trees I pass every day on my way to and from work. They grow side by side, and they compliment each other perfectly. I mean, it's almost as if they are one tree in a way, while otherwise remaining completely separate. It's rare...walk though a nearby wooded area, all the trees go this way and that...all individual, all perfectly unique. But these two, oh, they are special and rare....they are a team, a pair...complimentary.

Honestly, I think true compatibility IS RARE. I mean, divorce is everywhere..and why you ask? Because somewhere along the way, we stopped growing together, and started growing apart. Our goals change, our outlooks sway in the ever changing breeze known as life. Like trees, we sway, we grow and sometimes even fall in the midst of a storm.

The longest relationship I've ever been in is six years. I used to think that was such a long time, but now, now that I'm on the outside of yet another failed relationship, I see it more as a moment in time as opposed to a life sentence, which is how I felt at the time.

What do you think the secret is to that ever so rare couple who not only toughs it out and stays together, but actually compliments each other, loves unconditionally and quite possibly thinks of commitment as as a gift as opposed to a ball and chain that one will drag from this life into the next.

{Me - in a field of my own}

Red Urine, Bitching and Gratitude

First of all let me start by saying "THANKS!" to my friends and family who have listened to me cry, whine, bitch, be negative and just plain be out of character the last few weeks. You guys are so great to me, and man, I think about how much negativity that has spewed from my mouth and I think you all deserve halo's for putting up with me. It's been rough, but the good news is.....{insert drum roll please}.....

the Dr. says things are starting to look better....Hallelujah! Yeah, you heard me...I said it!

I have four more days of these horrific antibiotics that make me feel like dying, turns my bodily fluids red/orange and has me broken out in a rash over 50% of my body! After that I'll finish my treatment with a topical ointment twice a day and hopefully that will be IT! I'll be free! I'm so happy I could seriously do a cartwheel, but I'm afraid I'd hurt myself...and people without insurance shouldn't do anything acrobatic over the age of 20....it's just too dangerous at my age. If you don't believe me, read page 9, paragraph two of the unisured american handbook...it says it, I swear! *smiles*

I did the math tonight, in total in the last three weeks, I've spent $570.00 out of my own pocket on trips to my family Dr., trips to the pharmacy & trips to my infectious disease specialist. FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS....and I haven't even gotten the hospital bill from St. Rita's yet! Shit, I guess I'm going to HAVE to get that second job now. "HAVE to" being the key words there! Damnit I hate being in debt! Don't you?! I was really hoping to have gotten to work today to have the girls from Technicon tell me that our office Lotto ticket hit, and all this debt was nothing compared to the check that was about to come MY way...uh...but...to my dismay...it just didn't play out that way....but you got to pay to play, and play to win..so..here's hoping!

Sorry I didn't write all weekend, but I was trying to NOT think about things, and my writing is basically just me thinking in print...so I figured it was best to just take a few days away from my thoughts....watch lots and lots of girly television, with the highlight of my girly TV watching being Saturday night when I watched dirty dancing on cable and cried at the scene where Dr. Houseman (aka Jerry Orbach) was sitting on that porch in the chair, and Baby goes to him and tells him she's sorry she disappointed him, but tells him that he disappointed her too...that part always gets me so sad, especially when I think that how Jerry Orbach just recently died....and I think of all the people out there who have to suffer the loss of losing a father that way....I've already lost mine...maybe not to cancer, or the like, but he's gone nonetheless.

Wow, would you look at me go! I was trying to be hopeful and optimistic in this post and yet I still come off as whiny, broke and discontented. So much for this post!! Damnit, maybe I'll do better next time.

......and as for the picture, obviously, that's not ME, or MINE....but it sure looks familiar! *laughs* I wanted to take my own picture, but my mother said that'd be disgusting and that "NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT!"....but as it turns out, some other disgusting person beat me to it! God I love the Internet!

Keith will be the death of me...

Went back to the hopital today....I went to bed last night perfectly fine, only to awake this morning with a swollen eye that seeps a yellowish honey-esque fluid...just like before.

Called the Dr. he said I better come in, got another culture done, sent home to try out a new drug that is used to treat patients with Tuberculosis.

While seeing the doctor, he said, "so you WERE doing fine, healing good eh?" I said "Yes dr. things were going very well, all the skin had healed, no swelling, things were looking almost perfectly normal again"..Dr says, "are you under any stress, anything happen this week stress-wise that would have you relapsing in your infection?"

I told him the only thing that happened this week that would fit that bill is Keith calling and asking me for an annulment. My dr. told me specifically NOT TO TALK or otherwise communicate with my ex and his request for at least two to three weeks....until I'm feeling better. I asked him if there were a pharmacy that could fill that prescription....he smiled and said, I'm afraid you are on your own. And I am.

Can you believe that I was nearly better...and NOW, I can't go to Indy like I planned, I have to take medicine that is really serious, with A LOT of side effects, with the strangest being that my saliva, tears and urine is going to turn red/orange....and I'm supposed to rid myself of stress....how the hell am I supposed to do that?

Keith already texted me today about that effing credit card and I can't even begin to deal with it....I'm exhausted and I just don't have it in me to keep fighting this battle, I've already lost enough...

as for the picture posted above, yeah that really doesn't have to do with this post, or hospitals or anything, It just made me smile....and I'm supposed to DE-STRESS...so I figured that was as good start anyway....

~hl~

Okay, this shit is starting to get on my LAST NERVE.

So last night, there I am, sitting at the Laundromat with Cole and Cara. My phone rings. It's Keith...yeah, Keith my ex-husband Keith. I make the brash decision, "yeah, I'm going to let that one go to voicemail!" Anyway he doesn't leave a voicemail, so I call him back to see what he wanted. The conversation goes a little something like this:

Heather: Did you need something?
Keith: Yeah, well, um, I need some information from you.

Heather: Uh, what kind of information?
Keith: Well, I figure you already heard the news about the marriage....

Heather: Yeah, I heard.
Keith: Well I need some information from you about an annulment.

Heather: Keith, I don't know the first thing about them, I'm not catholic
Keith: Yeah, I know you aren't, but I need to get an annulment before I can get married.

Heather: And if I don't?
Keith: Uh.....*nervous laugh*

Heather: ......
Keith: Anyway, So I just need some information from you, like where you were baptized, the name of your employer and your work phone number

Heather: Um, I was baptized at the Lutheran Church, and my work number is.....ya know what, I don't want to give you my work phone number. I don't want the Catholic Church calling me at my WORK to talk to me about YOUR annulment!!

Keith: I don't know what the big deal is! Guess we'll just see if the credit card payment gets made then! CLICK!!

Can you believe that guy had the nerve to call me and ask me to help him get married to someone else and threaten me with non-payment of his court ordered obligation and THEN HANG UP ON ME?!?! WTF is up with THAT???!!!

I'm telling you, some people just don't get it....right now he's thinking I won't help him because he thinks that I want to stand in the way of his new nuptials, but that's NOT IT AT ALL, I just don't think I need to help the guy who screams "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?" when I called him to tell him I refinanced my car as "I" was court ordered to do. Or the guy who accused me of stabbing his dad in the back by turning Mark against him...which I had NOTHING to do with by the way.....or the guy who stood in my living room and gave me a lecture about how I shouldn't date anyone until we were divorced out of RESPECT for HIM and then started dating someone himself a week or so later! RESPECT...RESPECT? Are you effing kidding me, he hasn't respected me through this whole thing even though, I've done EVERYTHING I can do to be polite, respectful, civil and kind to him.

I was kind because I felt like since I left him, that he was the wounded one...but I was wrong, I'M the wounded one, he's so fine that he's getting remarried for crying out loud! How could I be so stupid to worry about HIS feelings when he's perfectly fine and happily in love with someone else?!?!?!

Anyway, so I spoke with my attorney aka my boss about the situation and he advised me not to sign anything until the debt Keith owes for the credit card is paid in full. Which, that's good advice, but I HATE giving ultimatums and using things like this as leverage. Granted, it's what I SHOULD do, but I don't feel right about it. I don't think respect is worth having if having to demand it and I don't think people should extort others to get what they want, but what other options do I have?.....let him continuously fuck me over, day, after week, after year?

He thinks getting an annulment is as simple as me just filling out a paper or two, according to my sources; it's very evasive, in depth, personal and lengthy of a process. Not to mention, he wants me to allow the Catholic Church to declare our six years of marriage as invalid! That's maybe not a big deal to other people, but it IS to me. It's not like we were only married for six days or something! It might not have meant anything to him, but it meant something to ME. Something I'm not so sure I want the Catholic Church to declare null and void as if it never existed.

That's the philosophical view of my heart and my soul, but common sense (aka my boss) tells me that it's not MY religion so what do I care what the Catholic Church thinks. True, good argument...I just don't know what to do. What would you guys do?

IF he pays off the card, would you go through the painstaking task of helping him get remarried? Or would you let him rot and do it himself?

I don't want to lose my principles or my character by allowing his crazy drama turn me into someone who's vengeful, bitter and unhappy...and I'm more than willing to accept the fact that he's moving on and getting remarried...best of luck I say...but seriously, what duty do I have to him, when he's never fulfilled the duty he had to me?

He texted messaged me today and said "Well then, don't ever ask me for anything then!" and I thought to myself, what have I ever asked of him other than to be a good person....a good person who treats others with respect and love, the way I wanted him to treat ME. He need not worry about me asking him for things, I think we are a little too far past THAT. Don't you think?

So, I did it, I told him I wouldn't even consider giving him my assistance in an annulment until the credit card was paid off or taken out of my name. I haven’t heard from him since...I'm thinking maybe he didn't like that answer.

And if he doesn’t pay it, the credit card that is, well then I guess it’s back to court we go….I have a court order saying he HAS to pay it, he doesn’t have a court order FORCING me to give him an annulment. It’s just THAT simple.

~hl~

As a Woman.....

.....there are times in your life when you might start to get down on yourself...your looks, your attractiveness....that sort of thing...you look at your waistline that could be slimmer, your eyes that could be brighter....stuff like that. One day, you'll just find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror and you'll begin evaluate what life and they years have done to you.

After last week's major facial disaster that had me looking more like a circus freak than myself, AND then turning 30 while looking quite possibly the ugliest that i've looked in my entire life...(not a good feeling) AND THEN finding out my ex-husband is getting married again....well to say the least, It kind of sucked!

But I'm happy to report...that today, while recording a mortgage at the courthouse, I ran upstairs to County Court to pick up some documents our of our basket and I ran into a chain gang of prisoners. They were all cuffed and shuffling down the marble staircase as I was running up them and this one guy, he smiled at me and said "hey baby, how youuuuuuu doing?" Then he said something to himself and then whistled at me. I got to give it to the guy, he's in an orange jumpsuit, in handcuffs and chained to some other people....being taken off to jail and he's still got the balls to try and pick up a chick on the way out. Made me a little nervous because he was so very close to me physically as he said it....well, that AND he was obviously a criminal...but at the same time, I was like "Hell yeah...I still got it!" *laughs* Upon arrival at the top of the stairs, I ran into one of our clients who said..."Hey, don't I know you from somewhere?"..and I was like "I work for your attorney's office" and then HE was all flirty to me...I must be having a good hair day or something! *winks*

Anyway....I know I could argue the point that the two guys who hit on me today were not of the greatest moral character.....who obviously have issues with their decision making skills....but they are still guys....with two good eyes. Good enough for me to just take it as a compliment and then enjoy the short lived extra spring in my step that it provided.

Today's a good day. Weird, but good.

~hl~

FYI - to all of you who were worried about me being all depressed about Keith's engagement, I'm happy to report, gloom and doom days have passed. I'm ok. Had a good talk with Ang last night and she gave me a great perspective on things and I feel good....so no worries, Ok?! :)

He didn't even wait a year.....

Well....he's went and done it.....Keith is engaged. Not even a year ago we stood at the Putnam County Courthouse and dissolved our marriage, and not even a year later, he's ready to run down the isle with someone else.

How does one do THAT?

They say that when a woman and a man get divorced, the man will be remarried in a year while the woman will most likely be single forever....

What is it? Is it confidence or stupidity, is it hope or desperation? Do men just like to get things "locked down" when it comes to their relationships with a total disregard to failed attempts in the past. Do the ghosts of relationships past NOT pay visits every once in awhile to men like they do women? Or do they just feel the only way to move on, is to do so by merely finding someone to fill the shoes of the woman who came before?

How can he be so confident that this time will be different? That the outcome won't be broken vows, broken dreams and another broken home?

The man who told me that if things didn't work out with me, he'd move to the Lake and be a bachelor the rest of his life and go fishing everyday is engaged to be married for a second time.....

I guess he's just the kind of guy who says shit like that....things he doesn't mean...things like vows....

In times like these, sure would be nice to smoke a cigarette....day six....and still no smoke. They say that smoking prohibits your body's natural ability to heal itself quickly....maybe quitting will help my eye....and all the other wounded parts of me heal a little quicker now...

*big sigh while resting my chin in my palm which is supported by an elbow*

I just asked the magic 8 ball if "marriage the sequel" was going to last...Magic 8 ball says "My Sources say No"...think I should tell em? *smiles* Nah, some things are just better left unsaid.

I need to go lie down.....
~hl~

It's Sunday....the Wind is Blowing and I'm listening to Mozart...

Well, it's day 5, and still no smoking.

I just finished writing a couple "Thank You" notes to some of the people who've helped me out in my time of health crisis this past week and my eye is still red and sore. I swear I'm now LOOKING for things to do to keep me from resting.....Sometimes I wish that they'd have sent me home with an IV that way I'd not have to go back to the hospital, which I'm afraid I might have to do if these oral antibiotics don't step it up and start making me progressively better. I'm a little bummed about the state of my health these days and this slow, slow recovery isn't helping any and my unsightly arms filled with bruises and holes only reminds me it's possibly not over yet....*pouts*

It's 1:15 a.m. and here I sit with a thermometer in my mouth, I'm afraid to go to sleep because every time I do my eye seems to swell in the night and the wind is howling AGAIN.

Whew....no fever! Good!

I should really go to bed, I have to work early in the morning...my first day back in over 5 days....it feels like I haven't been there in ages.

Oh, alright, no use in fighting this or being afraid of it....it's off to bed I go.....

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep
and if I DIE before I wake, I pray the lord my soult to take.....

Sweet dreams all,

~hl~

Baby Steps....

What do ya think...looking ANY better?

Starting to look like someone who is a NON-Smoker for FOUR consecutive days? *smiles through the longing and pain*

~hl~

Hello 30

Yes, it's official...I'm OLD. I'm THIRTY-FREAKING years old today. BLECK!!! Does anyone actually ever say "Man it feels good to finally be 30!"? I'm thinking... eh... not so much!

The thing that sucks was that, I really wasn't all that depressed by turning 30. I tricked myself into the idea, that turning thirty came with a reward...going to Chicago with Alex & Chris....and then to Indy to meet up with Ami. And now, when you take away the reward, and replace it with.....Tell her what she's won Johnny......She's won a fun filled day of sunshine that she must avoid because of the meds she's on is really sensitive to light, followed by a stint of wallowing in self pity with the possibility of massive quantities of sleep in order to pass away the day that was supposed to be more fun than a normal person could stand.

What?....yeah?.....so!!? I had high expectations! Sue me! *laughs*

I am however feeling very loved on this sunny Saturday morning. I've received more phone calls than I can dare even begin to return. I know you all feel bad for me, okay, well most of you do.....your little acts of random kindness are more than appreciated. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. If I weren't so ugly and apparently germ infested, I'd give you all big hugs...but I'll spare you the fear and over use of hand sanitizer.

In closing......Today someone I recently met told me that he thinks that I just might be a "diamond in the rough" I told him, "Nah, more like fools gold in a sea of gray gravel." Fundamentally the same thing, really of no significant value....but to the right person, it's beautiful, of value and worth hanging onto. Heck, right now, in my very own hand, I'm holding a piece of pyrite that I've had since I was just a little girl. It was so pretty, and sparkly...how could I toss it back as just a meaningless rock?

Anyway....fools gold isn't a bad thing to be....you don't have to be a diamond that has to be cut and polished in order to shine, you just need to stand out enough to sparkle a little in a landscape of gray harshness.

Is it wrong....

that while I sit here.....30 years, one hour and fifteen minutes old...the only thing I can think about is not that it's my birthday, but that I reeeeeallly, really want to smoke right now!?!?!

I'm on day 4 now...well okay, the very beginning of day four, but this is hard.

mmmmmmm....cigarettes.....mmmmmmmm

Okay, I'm taking my ugly self to bed before my cigarette craving gets the best of me.

Night!

~hl~

I'm slightly deformed....but finally HOME!

Okay, so after three days in the hospital ..... I'm finally home. My entire apartment smells like lysol from my mom disinfecting everything in here while I was away. My arms hurt from all the blown veins I have from all the IV's I've been hooked to, blood drawn and pregnancy tests taken. For any interested parties... NO, I'm not pregnant.

You know what sucks, when even your 40-50 year old Egyptian Infectious Disease Specialist can't figure out why you are single. He says to me: "Soooo, you are married?" I say: "No." He says: "In committed relationship?"...I say "No."....he looks at me with a very confused look on his face and says "WHY?!?!" I just looked at him and said...."No husband, no boyfriend! Just me!"

Geesh, what's having a boyfriend have anything to do with my eye anyway? Let's get back to the medicine here doc!!

Anyway, so I'm home, my eye is somewhat better. It's still red and the skin around my eye looks as if I recently participated in a cage fight, but the swelling is much, much better.

So here's what happened. I had a scratch on my eyelid three weeks ago, it got infected. It wouldn't heal. It seeped. It swelled. It swelled some more, then some more, then more. I went to the Dr. 3 times before going to first the Ambulatory Care center, and then finally to the hospital. It's been a rough week, and as we speak, I'm here in Ohio, and NOT in Chicago with my friends as I have planed for months and months now. I'm so bummed. But I'm not 100% better and I still look like a battered wife and so here I sit, and I'm wishing I could just jump in my car and drive to see them.

My body is exhausted from everything I've been through, I'm afraid if I DID go, I'd just be a drag to be around, ugly and tired to boot.

So come tomorrow, I'll be turning 30 and it will be just another day. A day spent here doing not much of anything. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time, it's hard not to be disappointed ya know?!

Anyway, I'm happy to be out, I'm happy to be "on the mend"....I can see out of my left eye again and my apartment has never been cleaner or more sanitary! *laughs* So even though I'm totally bummed about not going on my trip, I AM extremely happy to begin to have my health back.

I still have a ways to go, 10 days of antibiotics to take and a follow-up visit to Dr. Beraki in ten days...but eventually my face will go back to normal, and hopefully I can put this whole ordeal behind me.

Thank you to everyone to sent flowers or came to see me at the hospital...you made the stay there much more tolerable. Oh, and on a positive note, three days in the hospital and I've not smoked. Guess I'm quitting early! :)

~hl~

VALENTINES DAY & HOSPITAL STAYS:

(written while at St. Rita's)

It's 7:10 am on a snowy Feb. morning. As the world awakes and begins their busy day, I lay here in a hospital bed on the 8th floor of St. Rita's Medical Center.

What started out as a simple scratch on my eyelid has now turned into a very costly medical emergency.

Everyone here is really nice. I'm surrounded by flowers and balloons from my family and friends, but it's still a hospital. no amount of pretty plants or floating messages can make you forget the tubes hooked to your body or the ever changing nursing staff that constantly are coming around to check your vitals and hang a new bag of antibiotics.

I've tried to sleep as much as possible. I figured I could sleep these days away, but the body can only sleep so much and my body is on sleeping strike.....no more sleeping it SCREAMS!

Last year on Valentines Day I was set to get divorced. Valentines Day 2008 and here I lay in a hospital. I really hope this isn't the start of a pattern. I won't EVEN ask..."What's next"...or I won't live to write to you next year I fear! Ya know, it's hard enough being SINGLE on Valentines Day, but being single, sick, swollen/ugly and in a hospital on Valentines day, c'mon now....that's just too much!

Rachel told me last year that while we both had a rather tumultuous 2007, 2008 would be OUR year! So far, lil Ms. Fortune teller Rachel has been a little off her mark with that prediction! *smiles* Hey maybe she's just a year off, and 2009 is more our style.

Anyway, my eye hurts, it's beginning to get light outside.....it's the international day of love.....and it's going to be a long road to recovery when you measure it drip, by drip, by drip of the IV.

Happy Valentines Day!

Luv,
~hl~

The Eye:

Please don't judge me by how ugly I look in these photos. But my family wants to see how horrid I look, and how wide spread my facial infection is, so there they are. Bare in mind....I don't normally look like a hideous monster as I do in these photos!

It's been a rough week.

I just got home from the hospital, and it's not good. I could wind up with Meningitis out of this, so please keep me in your prayers. I need them dearly.

Thanks,

~hl~

Swollen Eyes, little old cars.....and chopping fire wood with the Family.

It's Sunday morning....it's windy as heck. The smell of cigarette smoke is wafting up through the floor boards from my neighbors below, apparently they don't go outside to smoke in this weather....and my eye is still swollen....and as I type this one handed, I'm holding an ice pack on it with my other hand. SUCKS!

Especially considering I went out last night, a pre-birthday bash with my friends and family. It was a decent night. I got THREE cookie cakes! Apparently my family and friends should really get together and communicate on who's bringing the cake! *laughs*....hey, it's cool for me, I love chocolate chip cookie cake....I'm not sure you can ever have too much of it right?!

I've got to tell you....my eye is so fucking disgusting! It's better today than it's been in a week, but yesterday and the days that proceeding, it was oozing yellow puss-like fluid from my eyelid.....and I had to keep blotting the corners of my eye, so the infection wouldn't get into my actual eye! It was soooooooo gross! While getting my hair done yesterday, I had to apologize to my beautician like ten times about how disgusting it was. I wore sunglasses while my hair color set. Oh, and the worst part, when she went to pluck my eye brows, she accidentally got some of that alcohol-like cleaning stuff in my wound....and oh my god, she might as well of took a chainsaw and cut my torso in half, for the amount of pain it caused, HAD to be very similar. She felt bad, so I didn't tell her how excruciatingly painful it had been….but I’ve got to tell you, it was a tough sell. I wanted to run and stick my head in the toilet to put the fire out like they do in the cartoons!!

Anyway, only a few more days and I'll be heading to Chicago to meet up with Alex and Chris. I'm kind of getting nervous actually. I keep freaking myself out by saying things like..."WHAT IF...I get lost? WHAT IF....I can't find parking at the hotel. WHAT IF......I forget to bring..______. I swear, I'm a nervous Nelly these days! I vow however to NOT TURN INTO MY FATHER.....who could take a perfectly good time and turn it into the apocalypse. Who was also the same guy, who couldn't understand while a day with the family chopping wood for our fireplace in the freezing cold January Ohio weather wasn't like the best times we'd ever had! That guy has some screws loose! There isn’t ANYTHING fun about listening to a buzzing chainsaw while woodchips were flying 100 mph toward your unprotected eyes, having your father yelling at you to move faster, while your fingers are frozen and knuckles bleeding from all the times your sisters or an impatient father threw a log at you. Wind burnt cheeks, frostbitten toes and a sore back….yeah Dad! Loads of family fun! So in an attempt NOT to be my crazy father….I’m going to keep my cool. This trip will be just fine…if things go wrong, eh, such is life. It’s the wrong turns in life that can be the most adventurous. That’s what I have to remember while embarking on such an out of the ordinary venture. Pray that my neon will keep me safe and headed in the right direction.

Think it’s a bad sign that my brakes have been squeaking and my engine light came on this week? I tell you, when it rains, it pours! Swollen eyes, a uncooperative car…I won’t EVEN whisper the words.. “WHAT’S NEXT!?!?!” for certainly, upon the slightest murmur of those words… WHAM!!!!!!! that’s when an anvil lands on your head, or you get hit by a bus!

Okay, my eye is throbbing, I need to go lay down for a bit.

I think today, is going to be a very, very lazy Sunday for me…….

Injury, Vet Meds, Heathcare & sarcasm.....

The other morning I woke up and my one eye was swollen shut. It was hot and painful. I crawled out of bed and quietly made my way to the restroom while trying not to wake Brooke up who was asleep on the couch.

I stared at myself in the mirror for the longest time. Trying to make sense of what was happening to my face. I had not been in a bar fight, I had not been around anyone with Pink Eye or anything....so what the heck happened? I looked closer, leaning across the sink and getting up close and personal with my mirror.....oh, it was ugly.....so, so ugly.

Well, I couldn't just sit there and stare at it, I had to be progressive, as you need to be in a fight against bacteria, so I started rummaging through my medicine cabinet, trying to find something that I could put on my eye lid, which was now split open red and irritated. Poor little thing! I had iodine which expired in 2001 and that was about it, no triple antibiotic cream, no nothing! I kept digging, surely I must have SOMETHING!!!!!! I find this little tube, it looks like some sort of ointment...and it IS, bacterial ointment....I read the directions and it says: "For use in dogs and cats only! Wipe a small amount across the cornea twice daily."

I pondered...an eye's an eye right? Dog, cat...human....how different could we be? Plus, I was going to keep in on the outside of my eye itself, and merely wipe it across my eyelid, so surely this will be safe....won't it?

Anyway, I did it. Just the one time until I could get to the store and buy "people ointment" and peroxide and the like. I'm happy to report that my eye is doing fine and no longer swollen, now just a pretty red color. Just need to give it time to heal I think.

This wasn't my first time using animal meds you know....as a child, a child with no health insurance, many times I would be rushed to the local animal hospital where our veterinarian would "take a look at me" to determine if I needed to go to a Physician or if we could patch me up and send me back out there with minimal damage. I've been x-rayed, bandaged, lasered and examined by an animal doctor more times than I can count. One time, I got kicked by a horse while I was giving a tour and my knee swelled up so big I thought it would burst. My folks just loaded me up in the truck, took me to town and two hours later, I was back home, leg wrapped and immobilized with a jar of ointment used on race horses after they sustained leg injuries on the track. I guess it's an upbringing such as this that doesn't have me freaked out like other people when they find out I don't have health insurance. People are like..."WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO???!?!??!?!?" and I'm like..."NOT GET SICK!" *laughs*

I can just hear the democratic party now...."Now here's a girl who was raised dirt poor, she grew up eating gravy bread as a staple....eating free school lunches since her parents couldn't afford to pay for them to have lunch everyday, she worked hard, did well in school, gained scholarships and went to college, paying her own way, not being helped or supported financially while working full time at a factory. Now, a college graduate, she makes enough to "get by" working in her educated field, but it's still not enough, not enough to pay for healthcare. Here's a girl who's future is uncertain. One major illness....and should she survive it, she'll be buried under so much debt, she'll wish she were dead in order to escape it!"

WOW, when you put it like that....gosh, it does sound bad! I don't suppose I want to go to the VET with Cancer....they'd have the talk with my folks about how it'd be best to "put me down"....because that's what they do with pets that are suffering, they put them to sleep. Maybe that's what's next, legalization of euthanasia of humans to save on healthcare costs. Think I should write to my local legislators? Yeah, probably not.

Which reminds me....I really need to do my self up a will, Healthcare Power of Attorney and Living Will. I suppose if I can't afford to pay for the medical care to keep me alive, best just be doubly prepared for when I die.

Isn't this the hap-hap-happiest freaking Monday post you've ever read?!?!

I have a headache....and NO, it's not a tumor...at least I hope not.....*looks worried then laughs*

Happy Monday,

Peace,

~hl~