Going away for awhile....

Sorry guys......

but I need to.....

I <3 and will miss you all....

xox

~hl~

An Unexpected Product Review:

Product: Sprintec Birth Control

Duration of Use: Approximately 7 Months

Outcome: Bad, or so I think….


So in an economy where the only PERK an employee at our office gets these days is the free gift offered if you order $50.00 or more from Staples Office Product’s catalog, it’s not surprising that I don’t have insurance. Lots of Americans are going without right now…so in an effort to be able to continue to afford birth control, I switched from Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo to this new low cost pill called Sprintec. It’s only $9.00 available at Kroeger and Walmart Pharmacies. Wooohooo…right?! Cheap and so conventient! PERFECT.

So I asked my Dr. if I could switch. He said sure and the deal was done….I was a Sprintec user.

I didn’t notice any real changes at first except one….the one and only side effect that I noticed was that I was freaking STARVING….I mean RAVENOUS kind of eat your arm off if you got too near me hungry! It was pretty hard to NOT notice. I think starving kids in Africa were more indifferent about food than me!

So that was the first thing and the ONLY thing I really noticed.

Then came the hair loss. I noticed that there was more and more hair in my drain when I showered….I don’t have any bald spots or anything, but I’m consistently shedding everywhere! My roommate was like…the only thing we have more than dust around here is red hair! And he’s right….I’m quite the shedder lately! And I love my hair, I’d like to keep it on my head if I can! Just because I like wigs doesn’t mean I want to be bald! But I just attributed this to the fact that I’d been stressed, they say stress does that to a girl….so I shrugged it off…”this too shall pass” kind of mentality if you will…..

Then last month I gained like 10 lbs. IN A MONTH!

Still I didn’t think much of it…thought I better just watch what I was eating more.

THEN….all the mood swings…and being TIRED ALL THE TIME! Going to bed earlier than EVER in my life…on top of being totally overly emotional, which to be honest, I think started from the very beginning, but it took THIS long to really build up to be SUCH an issue, that I started thinking perhaps I was losing my mind. I spoke to several of my medical knowing friends and discussed possible things I SHOULD be on. Anti-anxiety, anti-depression….I was actively seeking SOMETHING to alleviate how I’d been feeling. I was easily overwhelmed…who I am kidding, there’s no WAS about it, I AM easily overwhelmed….I’m high, I’m low….people just look at me wrong and my eyeballs get all weapy. Whew! It’s horrible feeling like this…having all these little episodes!

So while I was contemplating getting some chemical help….I got to thinking about my hormones, about when this all started….and I got to thinking about how I used to CRY EVERY TIME I spoke of MG when we were on the outs there for awhile….and I used to always say “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, EVERY time I speak of him I cry”…and I thought I must of just really been in love or something…but maybe, the reason the flood gates were pouring out my eyeballs was because I had no control over my hormones….and the sadness I was feeling was horribly irritated by the fact that I was overdosing on Progestin, which after doing some research, I believe that’s what’s wrong with me.

Here at the symptoms for such an overdose:

Acne, oily skin
Breast tenderness
Depression
Tiredness, fatigue
Hair loss
Hypertension
Increased appetite
Weight gain
Cholestatic jaundice

I have SEVEN out of Eleven Symptoms.

So I called my clinic and told them what was going on, and they said that I should of switched to Tri-Sprintec which is a low dose hormone pill that is comparable to Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo. Sprintec, turns out is a much higher dose than I’d been on for the last seven + years. So they are looking into switching me to this new pill which they say should really help with all the evil side effects I’ve been suffering….
I found a website where 35 women wrote testimonials of Sprintec….20 of those women complained of being horribly emotional, crazy mood swings, anger, irrational behavior! Several women said they felt like "whackjobs", which is exactly how I imagine MG's thought of me!  Quite a few women specifically noted that since they went on Sprintec they were having a lot of problems in their relationships....hmmmmm....could THIS be the reason I've been struggling so?  Oh, Please let it be!

*crosses fingers*….

Cross yours too, for luck!

xoxo
Your hormonal
Overly Emotional
Wackjob Friend,

~hl~

Holy Crap, what'a week!

{it's always good to start off lighthearted 

when you're about to throw yourself on the alter}

 So many of you were left hanging, confused and asking me what was up with that last post...some of you thought MG said he loved me, others got the fact that the picture's petals all said "NOT"....as in "HE LOVES ME NOT"

So here's what....about a month ago....I said it....I told the man I loved him.  *shrugs*....mostly because I do, I DO love him regardless of what anyone considers quick, or hasty or whatever else ya'll use as your guidelines for when and why and how to say the "L-word".....I KNOW how I feel about him....and I am NOT the kind of person who waits for life to happen to them....who feels comfortable not telling the people they love, that I DO IN FACT love them....I have lived long enough to know that life truly IS short...and we aren't promised tomorrow....I believe in love.....and I believe it's never WRONG to be honest....so in being true to myself...I couldn't NOT tell him.  As miserably hard as it was go swallow my pride and put myself out there like that...I did it.  Sure it was scary, and it nearly made me break out into hives to do it....but I did.  I told him.

To my disappointment, he said "No you don't"....as a response.  Ok, so yeah, that was painful.  NOT only does he not love me, but he also believes I don't know the difference between loving someone and not loving them!  GREAT!  I was all sorts of deflated.  But being an optimist, I didn't throw myself under the bus of NOT being loved and let it crush me, No, I said to myself..."Heather, this is MG, you wouldn't of WANTED him to say it back just because YOU said it, perhaps he'll tell you later, in his own way....*shrugs*.....don't fret....wait and see what happens.

So I did, I waited.  And waited.....a week, two, three....nothing!  To say I was starting to loose faith was an accurate statement.  THEN.....THEN I shipped myself off to Chicago.  If you guys know me a little even, you know that THE WORST thing you can do to a girl like me, is give me time, space, and 10 hours in a car to "think" about things.....throw in 22 hours in two days of back breaking work, leaving you feeling not just physically drained, but all the "thinking" ignites this nervous energy and doubt and disappointment...and next thing you know.....you're a mess.  At least that's what happens to me....

I have all these crazy irrational thoughts that while I'm away MG's forgotten all about me....that I'm missing him like crazy, but that he DOESN'T miss me!  which is totally unfair....just because the man ain't blowing up my phone with texts...when he KNOWS I'm working, DOES NOT mean he doesn't miss me when I'm away....

But being the self destructive self that I am.....when I arrive back in Ohio.....and on MG's doorstep, instead of throwing my ever-luvin arms around him and kissing his face off....I act weird, standoffish, etc.....I think I even might of said a couple passive-aggressive things just to really throw a wrench in things....needless to say, it only took a minute for MG to pick up on my awkward homecoming and he said "what the hell's up with you?  you go away for two days and you come back all weird and shit!"  "What's wrong".....which are the TWO words that amazingly are the magic words to make me a MUTE!  Yes, when the man I love asks me "what's wrong"....I swear I suddenly develop some weird phobia of speech.....I'll nod my head, sigh a lot...but no words seem to come to me.....

Oh, but it gets worse....yes, yes it gets far worse....stick with me if you can stomach it for what happens next.....so finally, after we're in bed and he's nose to nose with me, and i can't get away from him....(not that i want to be away from him, only to NOT communicate like i should)....I say, .....after a lot of sighing, and after a lot of him urging me to speak...I say "Well, I told you I loved you....and you said "Not you don't"....I don't know, I've had better responses..."  and I could tell, i caught him off guard, he hadn't expected that I don't think....he didn't have an immediate response, he kinda paused and thought for a second....put his hand on his forehead....and then begin to speak....

he said a lot of things....naturally my messed up mind was too frenzied to put it into any kind of logical order, but I do recall him saying...."well i don't know what to tell you"...."At times I've thought about saying it, and other times I was glad that I didn't"....(which btw, THAT ONE....made me insane thinking about what THINGS I'd done to make him GLAD he didnt' say it)....he said also that he really cared about me and that he wants me around/in his life....but at the end of the day, he just wasn't ready to say that to me.

Oh, there were tears on my part throughout....awkward silences...etc, etc....but then, after I said some stuff and he said some stuff...somehow, and I'm not sure how he always manages to do this....we got to laughing about something or other, bickering/play fighting about something....which then turned into some "luvin"....which then turned into us both saying in some sort of variation of "I needed that"....and we did, I'm kinda a dude like that...I'd rather get it on than "talk" about crap a lot of times.....*sighs*....

but that's not the worst of it....

I thought i was fine....we seemed ok, he even asked me before we got it on "so are you ok now?  you good?"  and I said that i was, but upon his departure from bed the next morning....when he left for work and that door closed and I was laying there alone, in HIS bed, I realized that #1-I was NOT ok, and #2 - I was really really NOT ok.  The tears started flowing.....and threw my clothes on and hurried out of his house and headed to mine.

My mind was racing...and my mind is a mean mean machine when it dislikes something in my life....in this case, it was "he doesn't love you heather!  GET OUT NOW BEFORE YOU GET HURT!  RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY!"  this is what my mind was saying, over and over and over...I turned up the radio in the car...trying to drown it out...but it wouldn't be dampened.  my sane side said "Heather, he cares about you....he really does, don't freak out!"....but even rationale wasn't warding off the negative, impulsive, SCARED side of me.  I really HATE that side of me....it's a torturous horrible side to have...because that "side" is never on my "side"....never supportive, never sane, NEVER HELPFUL!

So what did I do, I TEXED him (and yes, TEXTING IS THE DEVIL AND DOWNFALL OF RELATIONSHIPS WORLDWIDE)....I said the following:

"when you're head tells you one thing and you're heart something else....which do you listen to?"

MG says "idk, why?  what's yours telling you?

Me: "  My heads telling me to Run, my heart says NO WAY! and that you're so worth the risk"....

He says:  "great!  well why don't you let me know what you figure out!!"

When MG uses exclamation marks, yeah, i know I'm in trouble.....

this little exchange spun out of control....and by the end of the night, he wasn't really talking to me and I was absolutely certain we were breaking up.....(again, always worst case scenario with this evil brain of mine)....and I went to bed unsure of our fate.  and all lines of communication were quiet.  Silent.  void.

Long story slightly longer.....after some immense apologizing by me, and giving him some time....he said he was fine, that we were fine....but I knew that was too easy...and so when he worked on my car the following day.....because he didn't want me driving my car the way it was....I had the demeanor of a child who'd recently been bad.....and i felt my shoulders hunched....my head down.......I felt so terrible for the way I behaved....yet, MG hugged me for a long moment.....and while we weren't ourselves...we were together....and that was reassuring...

My car got fixed that night.....but i felt our relationship was still damaged......by my little "episode if insanity"....I knew it, and i saw it in his eyes....i made him not trust me.  I made him question me.  *slaps myself in the forehead*....How do I ever expect the man to say he loves me, when I'm constantly giving him reasons NOT TO!  I don't blame him, I'm not sure I'd love me either!  I'm kinda a wacko at times!  That's not attractive!

But I'm happy to report...that it's Friday, I'm about to head out to Chicago again after work, and somehow, I've managed to find my way back to where we were.....we may even be in a better place than we started to be honest.

Last night MG said to me:  "Here's what I think.....I think you're the kind of person who needs to see me everyday, because when you don't, you start thinking too much, over analyzing everything...and then you get nervous...and then you have a meltdown....I think you need constant reassurance...." and I said "*yawns*....man would you look at the time, i'm beat...wanna go to bed?!"

lol

So yeah, am I fixed...no!  but when i asked him "what if i'm crazy, what if these "episodes" are just part of me and I can't always STOP myself....will you still like me anyway?"

He said "yes"....

So he can't say he loves me....but the fact that he fixed my car....so I'd be safe.....he has agreed to like me even if I'm a mental case sometimes, he has watched all but ONE episode of Grey's Anatomy with me...on his own fruition......and the fact that every day before he leaves for work, he kisses me on the cheek and throws and extra blanket on me so I'm not cold without him....well folks, that's more love than saying it!

It's more love than I got from people who have vowed to love me in the past....

so I think even as crazy as I can get sometimes.....that's enough for me.....and someday, IF he should say it, feel it....know it.....I'll be all the luckier.

and there ya have it....the whole story.....do you guys still love me....even if I'm nuts?

xoxo

~hl~

Officially:

He loves me.....

.....and now I know....

My Current Addiction