Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy......

Tonight.....I'm going to a baseball game at the Fifth-Third Stadium to watch the Toledo Mud Hens play....I'm really excited.

Something about the atmosphere of a ballpark, well it's unlike any other engery I've ever felt, I love everything about it, the design mowed into the grass, the smells of hotdogs, beer and popcorn...., the lights the way they seem to light up the city, the fireworks shot off overhead when the game has ended. It's....It's just one of those things that you wouldn't neccessarily ever know that you would enjoy so much, until the first time you experience it and you wonder what took you so long to get there.

So, tonight, instead of sitting on my front porch watching the soy beans grow like every other night this week, I'm going to be in a different city, eyes wide and smiling from ear to ear.

It's 12:52 p.m. and I'm counting the down the minutes until 4:30 p.m.......Only 218 more to go.....

217........

216.......

215.......

214......

*sigh*

Sun vs. Redhead.....{Sun wins everytime!!}

So Sunday morning I decided I'd take my fair skinned self outdoors to "get some sun".....Yeah, um, not my smartest move....

I'm so red, there are lobsters who are jealous of me!!

When will I ever learn....??

Tales From a Campfire Near You

Tonight I was sitting in my yard around a campfire that I built. I sat there for quite awhile.....

People came and went, and at the end of the night, there I was sitting next to the crackling fire alone. I laid my heavy head back against the back of my chair and watched the way the fire light would flicker and light up the tree branches overhead.

I have a very strong appreciation for trees and tonight I remembered that when I was a little girl, I used to be afraid of them. I don't know why tonight of all nights I remembered that....could have been because my dogs kept acting like someone was hiding in my pine trees....could have just been I was left alone and instead of going to bed, I sat up letting my imagination and memory run wild....whatever the reason, I remembered.

When we were kids (my sisters and I) my father used to go to great lenghts to scare us. It was kind of his thing, and I have to tell you, he was one scary guy when he tried....and well even when he wasn't trying.....and now that you mention it....he hasn't changed much.....

Anyway, I remember a story my dad told me about these three little girls who were walking home one night, it was dark and they should have been home hours ago, but nonetheless, there they were, walking down the road just the three of them. The girls were always told to hold each other's hand because the woods along the way were haunted. On this particular night, the girls held hands and walked nervously along the path, humming to try to take their mind off of their situation. Step by step, they picked up the pace....the youngest sister was having a hard time keeping up....the older two were getting frustrated with her and for just a second, they let go of her hand. When they reached back for it, she was gone. The two sisters searched frantically for their youngest sibling but to no avail. They called her name, and they began to cry. Just then, the one sister saw something glowing a little deeper into the woods. They began to walk towards it....getting closer, and closer until they began to see what lay before them.

From a long branch of a massive dead tree there hung a noose...within that noose was their little sister, hanging lifeless and limp. The sisters were so afraid that they froze in their tracks. They didn't know what to do, should they go to her, try to get her down, or should they run before they too were strung up next to her from the other empty branches. It was then that the head of their now dead sister began to rise and with her eyes of death, she looked at them and then reached out her hand...."take my hand" she said, "Please, take my hand, I don't want to stay here, it's cold and I'm afraid!"....

That's as much as I remember of the story.....the moral being, don't ever let your little sister out of your sight.....and I'm sure my dad just made that whole thing up so that Angie and I would be responsible and take care of our little sister Brooke, but damnit, we lived next to two woods, and we walked home in the dark a lot. Sometimes, I start to feel that eerie hair standing up on the back of my neck feeling and I wonder......where does my inner fear hide in the daytime? Well that and why all of my dad's bedtime stories involved someone being hung by a tree.....???

The Worst Part was......

This is where my dog Kennel was........


This is where it is now.......


Phoenix & Gauge escaped this disaster.....and made shelter in the barn....
They were a little shooken up.....they were wet, but otherwise unharmed!

I was so worried about them I rushed out of work early and drove 80 to get home to make sure they were okay..... and here they are, happy, healthy and just glad to see me home.

I came home to find.....

Broken Limbs.....AGAIN!!

My grill took a good hit!

And my window broken......

Damn Storms!!!

 

Flowers: They should have named them Mood Elevators

Advertisment of Evil

So remember like three posts ago when I said that you wouldn't believe what my crazy father was up to now, well, so as to really expose how crazy my old man is, I went and took a picture of his latest ploy to show he's unbalanced.

This sign currently is posted about two feet off the road directly across from the driveway of my Aunt Linda....see, he hates her, and this is what he apparently wanted to say to her.....now I suppose there are those people who really despise someone else, they might even think of doing them harm, but how many put their evil plots in plain view from the road in writing for the whole damn world to see?!

All I can say is: "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family"....because if I could, I would in a heartbeat.

Yesterday's Storm....

 

Miss Emma's Recent Ohio Visit

Father's Day 2006

This never gets easier. Maybe there shouldn't be a Father's Day or Mother's Day....maybe it's just too painful for those of us who don't have one or the other.

I've never posted a picture of my father before now, mostly because I didn't want to recognize the fact that I used to have a dad at all. Children with parents like mine come up with hundreds of ways to deal with the drama that comes with them. We have defense mechanisims, avoidance methods.....all to protect ourselves and our sanity from the very person who's blood runs through our veins. Sometimes I worry that I may someday have to protect myself from myself.

I don't want to believe that his evil ways could be inherited, I don't want to believe that my eyes came from him, or my chin......because if I acknowledge that, I may never be able to look in a mirror again.

So while the rest of the world is having picnics or enjoying a nice lunch or dinner in celebration of all the wisdom, love and genes that their fathers passed on to them, I'm doing laundry, writing this and praying I don't ever turn into the person who is my father.

Only 12 more hours to get through before this day is over.

Shakespeare Said:

So true, so true

Some Would Blame the Heat

Today Keith got into a fight with our friend Todd. Todd is 19 years old and just a nice kid. Keith and him have been friends for a while now, where as I've just recently gotten to know him.

I like Todd a lot, he's just one of those people who you can't help but to like. Plus it's refreshing to be around someone who has their whole life ahead of them. Fresh out of high school and ready to take on the world.

Anyway, yesterday while helping my cousin and his wife move to their new house, Todd came up behind Keith and grabbed ahold of him and was messing around.....Keith however was holding a wratchet strap in his hands which came up and smacked him in the face...three times. Keith got pissed and when he got away from Todd, he started yelling and threw the strap at him and then pushed him and they basically almost got into a fist fight. I kept yelling at Keith to stop....and when it was over, Todd walked away pissed, Keith walked away pissed and I felt horrible that it even happened.

Now I know it was like 95 degrees, everyone was pissy and hot and tired, but I couldn't help but to be pissed at Keith. He's older and supposed to be more mature, and blowing up like that, even if he was slightly injured, well it just upset me. I felt bad for Todd. To be attacked by the people you thought were your friends, to be embarrased in front of the rest of us....it just brought a black cloud on the day and my heart.

Long story short, I got in a fight with Keith over it, he left, I took a nap on my porch alone while they finished unloading the trucks and trailers, Todd and Keith have made up, but yet I'm still feeling uneasy. I guess I never have been one to understand violence between friends. Or how people can do so much damage either verbally or physically to someone who they are supposed to care about....and I'm not sure I ever will.

Crazy creeps back in......

I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately....

Mostly because he's on the warpath AGAIN....{you won't believe what he's up to now!}

I'm twenty-eight years old, and my dad still has me screwed up about men.....

I mean, I guess it's no surprise that i have some issues....I mean, when your dad calls you a whore, beats on you, puts a gun in your hands and tells you to kill him.....says that the sight of you makes him want to puke.....it's no wonder I have some hangups about men in general....BUT.....how does one erase what has somehow become embedded?

I don't want to be held back by the past anymore.....
I don't want to believe that in which I've heard....
I don't want to feel as though he knows something about me, within me that i do not.......

There are days....

When I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down....

and that nothing is real, it's all just a dream....

and not one of those dreams where you can say...."Yeah, i was thinking about ________before I went to bed", or "________happened to me today which is why I dreamed that"....which allows you to figure out what it all means.....

And then there are days I when I hope that I never stop dreaming.....for what kind of life would mine be it it were any other way.....

Summertime Favorites:

One of my favorite things about summer is the massive amount of time spent doing nothing on my porch. I don't know what it is about sitting there that makes the world seem just as it should be.

Sometimes I wonder if there is life beyond it's wooden boundary.....

TICK, TICK, TICK.....GOES THE CLOCK ON THE WALL.....

IS IT TIME TO GO HOME YET???

This sucks, I'm the only person in my entire office who's working today. I graduated last night and had to get up bright and early to come to work....alone.

Angie drove all the way from Wisconsin to surprise me with a visit from her and Emma and I'm stuck here until 4:30 p.m. when all I really want to do is go home and kiss Emma's little 2 1/2 year old cheeks and hug her and smell her baby magic scent.

Oh please 4:30 come quickly!!! Only an hour and forty-five minutes to go.....and counting.......

The End.

Well, it's over. I've walked the walk, I've repositioned my tassel, I've ate the cookies and drank the reception punch. I'm a graduate (with honors). The night was filled with excitment, and seeing some familiar faces, some from recent days and others from years ago. It was an amazing experience. One in which almost didn't come for me. Yes, I almost quit college. After the incident with my professor calling me a (c*ck s*cking mother-f*cking wh*re)....I wanted to run far, far away from the walls of that institution and never look back, but I didn't. I stayed and I reported him and I suffered as a result. He told my classmates that I accused him of rape (A BOLD FACED LIE) and I suffered through that as well. I was doubted, I was questioned, told that I was being overly sensitive and in the end, after going to the highest chain of command and not backing down, he retired and then got west nile virus. I survived, and tonight I came out ahead. It feels good. No amount of past name calling can take back or overshadow this day.

Now, I've completed school, I've gotten a job in my field.....what's next? Cause I'm feeling ready.

Today is the DAY!!!

Today's the day! Today is the day I'll walk across the stage, shake the hand of my school president and dean of my program and complete my educational journey.....well, at least this most recent endeavor. I never want to get to the point where I feel like I'm finished learning......for learning is a life long process, maybe you won't always be in the class room, but there is an abundance of things to be learned from the ins and outs of everyday life.

I'm so excited, I look at my cap and gown hanging there and the idea that in only a few hours, I'll be wearing it, it makes my heart race and my smile emerge. What a wonderful day this will be in the History of my life. I hope I remember every moment of it.

Another Portion Completed

Tonight I went to my awards ceremony at the Civic Center. I didn't know anybody, or so I thought. By the end of the night, I figured out that my cousin Jake's girlfriend was a row in front of me, Sean Sommers' wife was sitting next to me, my ex-love Matt Foust was the isle across from me and his wife behind me. So I was surrounded with complete strangers, people I only half know and one I used to know all too well.

I guess now I know what all the "signs" about Matt were preparing me for, they were preparing me for the fact that I would be seeing him two days in a row, two very important days in my life. I have to tell you, I'm thankful for the advance preparation, something like that can really mess your head up, but when faced with it, I found myself much more relaxed and in a state of calmness than even I couldn't have expected. I finally feel that I'm in a good place about him. Sure he broke my heart, and the last words he said to me f*cked me up in every relationship I've had since......BUT....instead of running out of the room to vomit, instead of tearing up and falling apart, I looked at him long and hard, I mean really looked at him and just smiled instead. I'm not sure what closure feels like, but if I had to guess, I think I got it. I got my award for my my GPA, got a little closure on a issue that has haunted me for like a hundred years and I went home. My GPA wasn't my only accomplishment recognized tonight.......

Signs:

When they present themselves to you, they aren't always as clear as this one.

This is one sign that always leads me to my destination: HOME.

After the Week I've had.....

I'm seriously considering buying a Harley as a graduation gift for myself. That would certainly make things a lot easier to figure out.

Because there isn't any problem that can't be solved while flying down the road, with the wind blowing in your face, the sunshine hitting your head, the exhilerating sound and feel of a Harley Davidson beneath you, taking you were ever you want to go.

Reflections on this week.....

Last night the sunset was like none other I've ever seen. A storm was moving in and turned that big beautiful yellow ball in the sky to something strange and mysterious. It's like the sun was going through something, battling the atmosphere to stay on top of her game, to continue to shine until "SHE" said it was time to slip beyond the horizon.

This week has been really strange. And for someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, it's been REALLY difficult to try to contemplate what seems like a million occurances.

Okay, for starters: I've loved Matt F. my entire life...well since I was 12 anyways....and we really did, over time, establish a very special connection, and then over more time, love. I loved him from the moment I saw him, it took a little longer before he ever admitted to loving me back however, but nonetheless, I never doubted for a second that he loved me. Anyway, he would be what I considered my "ONE GREAT LOVE".....every relationship to come after him was always compared to it, every kiss was measured by it, every future happiness depended on it. Because of him, I've believed that when it's LOVE, really, truly, LOVE....it NEVER goes away. Not love like that, because how could it. In order for LOVE like that to fade, I think a part of your soul would literally have to be cut out of your being, a part of you would have to die.

So, naturally after all of these years of not seeing him, hearing about him, or talking to him, when I heard his name in a conversation in my house that was coming out of somebody else's mouth, it got me thinking about him. When I heard that he was asking about me, how I was etc. it gave me a sense of fulfullment, not because I think he wants to leave his wife and be with me, because I don't believe that he does, but because it means I'm not crazy, he doesn't hate me like I suspected. I wasn't crazy to believe that he used to love me. Because after all of these years, he still speaks my name. That in itself completes me. That missing puzzle piece, well, it doesn't feel that it's missing anymore. Maybe it's his acknowldgement ment I was searching for.....

Okay....now if that reveleation wasn't enough for one week, here's the other doozy:

So, back when I was younger, I met someone who I had a very strong connection with, however; before you say...."awwww, Heather found love with somone other than Matt"....know this: it wasn't love, it was the other "L" word. Anyway I started seeing someone here and there, that was the greatest LovER that I'd ever been with. Seriously, it was nothing like I'd ever could have imagined. See in life I think there are teachers, teachers of what we need to know in life. If Matt taught me to love, this one taught me about my sexuality. I won't go into detail, because well, I just can't, but this man forever changed me. He's quite possibly the only person who has the ability to bring things out of me, that I never even knew were there. Which when you see or feel those things, well it's kind of liberating. He set a repressed part of me free, and ladies, I think we all have it in us to be amazing lovers, to be free in our own sexuality, and for me, it took someone like him to show me how things can be when both parties know what they want, and have a desire to not only please themselves, but have a sincere want to please the other. To really let yourself go in an intimate moment, to lose sight of everything around you, so that for that moment in time, there are only two things, you and him...there is nothing else. {See I told you it was intense!} So natually, when I found out that after three years of not seeing him, that I was going to HAVE to see him this week (I can't really go into why), but lets just say, it was unexpected, and out of my hands. You know the episode of "SEX AND THE CITY" where Charlotte starts dating a guy they called "Mr. Tongue" and all the women start telling Charlotte how great he is at ________. Kind of the same thing here, but instead of skilled at one thing, he was skilled at EVERYTHING. For the record, I did sincerely care very much for him outside of our physical relationship, for how could I not. And I think a strong friendship could have been possible after it ended, but in the end, I never imagined a life with him, or saw my future children with his eyes, or hair, or smile. And that's how I knew he'd be an amazing story to add to the evergoing story of my life, BUT not someone I could spend forever with. I'm quite certain he would say the same.

So within one week, after years and years of nothing: My greatest LOVE and greatest LOVER all made an appearance in my life. I mean, talk about conflicted and confused when trying to determine the meaning of that.

Maybe you guys have the answers I seek. Maybe there are no answers and its all just a bunch of unrelated events. Maybe my horoscope predicted it, maybe the stars were aligned just right....I don't know. I really don't know, but if it does mean something.......What?