So it's a rainy Tuesday in NW Ohio.....i'm in a white wife beater, patchwork American Eagle PJ bottoms and blue running shoes...
There's a load of wet jeans that needs transferred to the dryer...and four loads of reds, whites, blacks and towels that are screaming for me to attend to them....but I'm here with you....which is exactly where I want to be in this moment...
There's a chill in the air.....even though it's warm outside for this time of year..afterall, it could be snowing instead of raining and I SHOULD be wearing a sweater, not a tank top considering my thermostat is set at sixty-two degrees right now....
This week has been odd thus far....one because I haven't worked since last Wednesday, and two, because my week started out like a episode of twilight zone.
It was Sunday night, MG and I watched football the majority of the evening....he hopped in the shower and when he was through, we headed off to bed.....we went to sleep....all was well in the world until i awoke at 4:44 a.m. on Monday morning.....I woke up clenching my blanket....pillow saturated with wetness....and I sat up so quick that I didn't even realize i was gasping for breath as tears were streaming...no, flying, out of my eyes. My nose was running....my chest was tight....I was sobbing uncontrollably and I was confused and disoriented as I whispered to myself, it was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a dream.....which only gave me momentary relief.
I don't have nightmares often....every once in a great while....I've even had some when I died in them, which I hear is a bad thing, however I've NEVER, I repeat, NEVER have awoken to myself in the state I was in at 4:44 this past Monday morning. MG awoke as I sat there sobbing....he asked me what was wrong and I told him I had a bad dream....which pretty much made me feel more like his kid than his girlfriend....and he grabbed me, pulled me in close to his chest and said "c'mere sweetheart..".as he petted my hair and said "it was just a dream"...then he asked me what i had dreamt of that had me so upset....
So I told him the abbreviated story....the same story I'm going to tell you, and that's that, in my dream, MG and I were in bed and he began to tell me about another woman he had gotten intimate with the night before....when I asked him what that meant for us, he said "i thought you understood, I'm not a one-woman kind of guy...and I don't expect you to only be with me either..." in the dream, it was like he hated me, he was so cold, and indifferent....he spoke to me like members in a staff meeting talking about ordering office supplies.....completely inconsequential. In the dream, i was devastated, he ended things with me when I started to question him and demand that we discuss things...he just said "I don't want to do this....it's best we just go our separate ways now before anyone gets hurt"....
HURT?!?!? HURT!?!??!?!
But i was MORE than hurt, I was destroyed, and then that's when E (his kid came into the dream), he looked distraught, and worried and I tried to talk to him, but he ran away from me as if I had rabies or something...I chased after him saying "wait! Wait, i just want to talk to you!"....he yelled over his shoulder as he ran....., "my dad says I'm not supposed to talk to you!"
The rest is foggy after that...I think there might of been a random guy from Sons of Anarchy there at the end but I can't be for certain....
but, the one thing I remember saying to myself during the dream was "what am I going to do now?" "How do I ever go back to the way things were before......now, now I just don't think I can..."
Ok, so yeah, that really wasn't the abbreviated story I told MG....but....anyway, so I awoke shook all to hell....MG did is best to console me, and as he got up to go pee, he said before he slipped out the door, "you know that's never going to happen right? You don't ever have to worry about that!"....and when he came back to bed, as we were nose to nose to one another....he said I love you, (yeah, we're saying that now) and he kissed my lips and I whispered it with my sob-stricken voice back to him..."I love you too"...then i sniffed up some stray snot that was about to escape my left nostril. (romantic right?)
Ever since "the dream" I've been feeling shaken....my eyes still get teary when I start to play it back in my head, and I can't help but wonder, why? WHY is my head so cruel to me? Why does my subconscious torture me in this manner? I'm the happiest I've ever been, yet somewhere, deep deep down, aroused only in my sleep or in my weakest moments, it preys on me.....reminds me that life is never fair, love doesn't conquer all, the good guy doesn't always win.....that there's no such thing as happily ever after...
and what really pisses me off is the fact that I KNOW that life's not fair, love's not perfect and bad things happen to good people all the time....I don't NEED the reminder! yet again and again, there it is.
Over here at Castle d'la'heatherlynn....my Christmas tree is twinkling at me...I'm texting a guy who's hand crafting my gift to MG....while presents of my other loved ones are wrapped and under the tree.....and speaking of my tree....there's something extra special on it this year...
While I helped MG decorate his tree that he put up this weekend, we reminisced about our ornaments that we made in school....(as many of you know, he and I are classmates, so he has all the exact same ones that once hung on my parent's tree....) however, I don't have any of mine, as my estranged father either destroyed them, kept them, or who knows what them after my parents got divorced....so it was a semi-sad walk down memory lane thinking about all of MY childhood ornaments are no longer around....
I remember my favorite one...it was a ceramic red heart that we hand crafted, and painted ourselves with our names on them.....it was heavy and always required a strong branch to hang it on, but it was my absolute favorite. So when I saw MG's there in the box, I nearly giggled with glee. yeah, I said "giggled with glee"...tis the season to giggle with glee....i suggest you try it!
I told MG the story of my lost ornaments.....and he listened thoughtfully while I tried to look as though it didn't bother me as much as it does to think about....and we hung the rest of the ornaments on his tree making his little pine look top notch! As I prepared to leave....to go see my sister and my mom while he went to an Ohio State v. Michigan game party....he said "wait, take this with you....put it on your tree!"...and he opened his hand and there it was, the red ceramic heart, hand painted by an elementary kid whom I'd of never in a million years would of thought that I'd grow up to love with all my heart....but there he was, standing there, all grown up....in his kitchen, with his heart in his hand....giving it to me...to take with me as I left.
So subconscious, hear this....you may try to remind me, you may try to warn me, to keep me guarded, to keep me running scared....but I am NOT going to run from the boy who gives me everything. So stop trying, I'm doing this, with or without you.
And to all of you in blogland, in case I don't make it back before the holidays, I hope you all are blessed, loved, and wrapped in warmth and kindness this holiday season. I wish you health, wealth, and love.
all my luv,
~hl~
