When it Rains....It Pours!!

Have you ever noticed that just when you think things couldn't get any worse, fate throws that one last curve ball your way?

Last weekend, I was feeling pretty freaking low......Tried to have a "normal" interaction with Keith that turned into one of those conversations you hate and just wish you could tune out and pretend you aren't a party to......but in that conversation, I did hear Keith say something that was so true, so insightful that I think my mouth actually dropped open. He said:

Heather, I know what you are doing!! You are going to just keep pushing me away, further, and further from you, until I get tired and say F*ck it and leave you.....and then you'll breathe a sigh of relief because you won't have to make a decision about us!

He's right of course....it's what I do....when I don't know, I just leave it alone.....wait it out...see if the big bad problem just goes away on it's own. How pathetic is that!? In relationships, I've determined that I've only once before had to choose whether to leave or whether to stay....Craig being that relationship and damn, he was so dysfunctional, he made the choice that should have been a no-brainer to the average person, a little easier for me to make.

You know what's crazy.....the two monumental relationships I've been in, where forever was involved, were two relationships that I jumped into feet first, never looked back, went on heart alone and didn't listen to a word of caution from a single bystander.....why would I do that? WHY?

It's crazy to think that I would promise "until death do us part" to someone I barely knew......granted after years together I've gotten to know more about him, but at the time, you couldn't have sank in this sort of reasoning.....and I consider myself a fairly sensible person.....

So anyway...I'm getting way from the whole "when it rains it pours" idea i had when I sat down here to write tonight.

Okay, so back to the story...where was I.....Oh, right had the crappy talk with Keith....well anyhow, then once he left, it was pretty late....I headed back in the house to which Steph was there waiting for me. She goes on to ask me if I knew {insert "deep dark secret unbeknownst to Heather about her husband" here} The kind of thing, you just never expect....and when someone asks you you don't know whether to laugh and say, that's a bunch of bullshit, or breakdown and cry on the spot. I seriously felt like I had just been hit in the chest by a 2x4. The wind was literally knocked out of me, I didn't know what to say at first....and then I said,

"This is like one of those horror flicks that just keep getting f*cking worse!!"

So now, not only do I not know if I want to go back home because of what the last six years have been like, but now I have this to contend with .....it's like a rotten cherry on top of a melting sundae, you just sit and watch it melt, and you can't eat it, you can't stop the destruction of it, you just hold it and watch like idiot!!

*big sigh*......

On a happy note, I did get my eyebrows waxed tonight....so you know, I've got a well groomed mug to look at in the morning as I get ready to go to the gynecologist to get my annual pap smear! Man, I tell you with things to look forward to like ripping hair off from your face with hot wax, and having a Dr. stick cold metal objects in your nether regions while your legs are held up in stirrups....you find yourself saying "Can life possibly get any BETTER?!?" in lieu of "Can things possibly get worse!?"

Hey, what can I say, I'm a perpetual Optimist!

Is Love A One Way Street??

It's ocurred to me recently that love is tricky, very, very tricky.....

I remember those days when you thought love was giving Eric Phillips a valentine in the 4th grade that you made yourself along side your best friend Erin Cross......Ah what I wouldn't give to be in forth grade again.....

So back to my one way street theory....So there I was, it was the year 2000, I was 22 and my neighbor boy's house burned down....I had front row seats to it's demise. I told him he could stay with me until he found somewhere to go, he never moved out. Now it's 2006....a lot has changed. When I met him, I felt as though where ever he was going in life, I wanted to go right along with him. And I did. Everywhere he went, I was happy to go too. About a year of that, and well going hunting with him and his buddies started to lose it's entertainment value. I started wanting to go back to the way things were when I met him....you know, me being me, him being him, finding some common ground shouldn't be THAT hard, should it? I mean, I was missing my friends, going to the movies....doing those things that I always did before I met Keith. But it ocurred to me that I had gotten so wrapped up in my life with him that I forgot I had a life where I used to do things that I really enjoyed. I had friends whom meant the world to me that I hadn't been seeing much of.....

As it turns out, it was a lot harder than it sounded finding that middle ground that I mentioned. We started out just two souls meeting in the middle of an intersection, we started going the same direction, before I knew what hit me, we were two crazy kids on a bike, him on the seat and me on the handlebars....then I don't know what happened, maybe I hit a speed bump or something and I fell off and before I could jump back on, he was off......riding away from me and it was all I could do to try and catch up.

Running after a man who is already faster than you takes a lot of energy....and I grew so weary of the chase, not only that, I got tired of traveling essentially all alone....so I decided to take a detour, a distraction if you will.....(COLLEGE)...Those were some lonely times....working, studying, trying to keep it all together....

Once college was over, degree in hand, I was ready to grab hold of what was left of our journey and really go somewhere together....except, the road had split...him on his own path and now I was left helpless in the other lane. I called to him, but it was like he was just too far away and couldn't hear me...

Love......I feel like I've been chasing it, trying to get on the same road, yet I've been a complete failure at it.

So if love and life are a journey, and you can't go back in time how do you go back in love....you know fix where it went wrong? I don't have a time machine in which me and Michael J. Fox can go back and right the wrongs of my past.....So if life is something that just keeps on rolling with or without you, how do you get back in the lane of love? Because I feel like I've been traveling down this road....it's been a long road, some of which was a steep uphill climb...and now I've reached it's end, and there's no where to go but to turn, because the road behind me is only one way. I'm at a T-Road, and one way is the right way, and one way the wrong....so how do you choose....my compass is broken, my maps long gone, no cell phone can help me even phone a friend for directions. All I have is a running engine, a flashing red light and a fastly building traffic jamb behind me which are growing impatient and are laying on their horns. Talk about pressure! If I were a braver person, I'd undo the parking break, take my foot of the manual break, I'd take the car out of park and go, just go and not look back.....

Why couldn't I have been a braver person? If I were a character in the wizard of oz, I think hands down I'd have been the cowardly lion. Sure I'm a what appears to be a lion....but deep down, in matters that actually matter......i'm a scardy cat.

It's Been Awhile....

I've been pretty quite eh? Yeah, I'm sorry...been trying to figure out some of life's problems.....I wish that I could say you know those pesky problems like finding a cure for an incurable disease, saving starving orphans or finding the formula for world peace....because those are problems that definately need some attention....and when you measure your own personal problems with those of which I just mentioned...it does make things seem a little easier to manage.

We as people so easily get caught up in ourselves...our lives, our problems...I wish I could say I was immune from this, however, I'm just as bad as the rest of you.

I recently been put into a position where I have to really look hard at myself to try to figure out who I am, what i want vs. what I need....and so forth....and what I'm finding out is....I'm a contradiction even to myself. Just when I think I have a pattern all figured out, I remember the one time when I did just the opposite...it's frustrating, as too much self reflection always turns out to be. So I'm kind of going to just try to go with the flow, what happens, well it happens....maybe my entire destiny isn't within my control, maybe instead of trying to gauge each and every step along the way of life, I just need to let my hair down and say "to hell with all this worry, stress and as of lately depressive behavior!"

Yeah, I'll work on that for tomorrow....

You know what quote I've heard more in the last three days than I've heard in my entire life?: "you don't know what you got until it's gone..."

I never thought someone would ever be uttering that saying about me........

and now that it's happened, I really don't know what to do with it......

How do you hide the fact that you are just plain pissed off that they didn't appreciate you when they had you? How do you trust wisdom brought on by destruction?

Anyone? Anyone?

Today, I had to pee really bad....and since Jen's on vacation, I have to hurry and go because I'm the only one here to answer the phone and get everything done....

so I rushed into the bathroom, and pulled down my pants....only to realize that I hadn't unbuttoned them....the just slid right off.

So I guess being depressed and moving out of your house has it's advantages...I apparently don't fit my pants anymore...who said no good could come from this?

Ok....OK! Back By Popular Demand.....

The old way is back!

What do you think of the new layout?

INSERT YOUR VIEWS HERE:

Jen:

The other layout was much easier to read :) Just my opinion though!

Count Chocula:

terrifically compelling and has potential to entertain

Just when you think you are ready to tackle the day....

Today I got up and began getting ready for another fun filled day of legal work! I took a shower, threw on some clothes, etc. I got in my car, started 'er up and realized that I forgot to put on shoes. I still was wearing my house slippers! I thought I was feeling way too comfortable for a Tuesday!

I wish I was wearing them now, they seriously put me in a better mood.

My first day back to work...only four more days to go...

Today wasn't exactly a rollercoaster ride, but it had it's ups and downs I suppose.

I read back in previous posts where I wrote about underwear and silly other crap like the weather and whatnot....I miss those days of meaninglessness. You can't imagine how creative one can be when they aren't always on the verge of a emotion breakdown.

Call me a control freak, but I sure wish I had the power to just flip the switch and be happy and careless and free to let the mind wonder to remote topics like why the smell of old books makes me smile, or why I dyed my hair this week...you know total useless information that I could spin into some kind of cute little side note to one's day. Perhaps I'm the only one to enjoy that kind of mindless cuteness, but it's my blog...I suppose if it totally sucks, I will be the only one who reads them in the end anyway, so i musn't worry about things like that.

On a serious note...(big shocker there I know)....I went to my old house to pick up some mail tonight and I found myself saying things I knew would ultimately hurt Keith's feelings.....I mean, they weren't mean things.....but to him, they probably came off as if I was kicking him in the shin....I didn't mean it, but the more I think about it, the more pissed I get....so get this:

Since I've moved out, he goes grocery shopping, mops the floor, does laundry, picks up his things, actually takes out the trash before it's smelling up the place and piled up by the back door.....he folds laundry and reorganizes closets....and all I can say is "WHAT THE F*CK!!"

In the six years I lived with him he didn't do a single thing remotely close to any of those things....and then magically the day I move out....he's Mr. Martha freaking Stewart. Now to be objective...I know that men deal in completely different ways than women....and we think different too....and I'm sure that in Keith's mind, showing his togetherness, and his responsible nature by immediately picking up the slack and appearing fine is a ploy to show me just how much I'd be missing if I didn't come back to him....but damnit it just pisses me off that it took me leaving for him to do it. I mean, he had me, he had me, vows and everything and he wouldn't do it while I was there...but now.....why now? Why do we have to lose in order to begin to want to win back? I didn't move out so that I could play games, I didn't move out because I thought that I'd teach him a lesson.....this is very, very real to me.....this is quite possibly the decision that will ultimately change the outcome of my entire life.....it isn't a game to me at all. Why couldn't he just do something normal like drink beer and leave his socks all over the house and eat pizza and hotdogs every day.....let the place look like a woman hasn't lived there in years and run around with his friends acting totally immature? That's normal for men who are breaking up....men are supposed to fall apart a little aren't they!?!

I was watching the movie "Closer" last night and Natalie Portman's Character Alice said that she never left someone she still loved. Then in the end of the movie when the guy, Dan (Jude Law) finally came to his senses and realized that Alice was all he could ever ask for and more....she said "I don't love you anymore, Goodbye!" It was ironic and it made you think.....

Maybe love is more about timing, who's in love with who and when....when it all falls apart, who's left standing....left standing in love alone?

My Vacation comes to an End....

and along the way I learned that.......

when being restricted to a mere 15 miles an hour....fifteen miles seems like a very, very long way to go....

You can't please everyone all the time, and sometimes while trying to please yourself, you wind up not pleasing anyone.

Home is where the heart is....and a house is just a house unless there are people you love there waiting for you....

Wisconsin has a lot of grasshoppers...NW Ohio has more toads....

The big dipper follows you everywhere, but sometimes you really have to look for it, and it's not always where you think it is.

Pizzaria Combos are good for breakfast, lunch and dinner while traveling....well maybe not good FOR you, but good nonetheless....

People aren't always who you think they are and when they put their minds to it, can be really quite deceptive.

Just because you yearn for something....it doesn't mean it's attainable.

Not everyone shares one's ability to share and share alike.

Although some things are not what they appear....some things are.....and usually the things you wish the most weren't so.

While traveling....your path will cross those of others, sometimes it's meaningful, and sometimes you are left miles behind.

There are times that you just need to hear that someone is on your side, even when there really isn't a side to be on.

there are times when sixteen hour drives are essential for one's sanity....even when flying around Chicago doing 90 mph seems more wreckless than sane.

Life is what you make it....even though sometimes...all we seem to make is a mess.

Sisters are forever....fights between them thankfully are not.....

Niece's love you for the strangest reasons.....

You should never jump from the top step while pregnant.....it makes you walk funny.

Sometimes the more people you talk to, the more you wish you hadn't said a word....

Mix cd's are the best thing that ever happened to my neon's cd player.

When you feel the most alone...sometimes the only person there to wrap their arms around you is yourself.

Creativity is a roadmap to one's soul, one's eyes are its window....

Sometimes you have to leave home in order to begin to find your way back....

Vacations come and go...but the lessons we take away from them only help us grow.

The News...

Yesterday I opened the paper and there he was....the obituary section. 34 years old, tall, dark and handsome and gone. His name was Trent, I met him two weeks ago. A client at our law firm. He built harleys in his spare time, liked to ride when he wasn't driving his truck....I remember when he first walked into our office I said...so that's Trent eh...not a bad looking fellah I had to admit.

And now he's dead. Gone, lifeless......and just a few days ago he was standing in front of me and I was opening a file on his case. Thirty-four years old....two kids left behind.....so many things I'm sure he never got around to doing....

I can't seem to get it out of my head....sure I only met him twice and talked to him a handful of times on the phone, but I'm going to go back to work next week and there his file will be.....but there will be no client to go with it. There will be no resolve, no conclusion, only a file to be closed and put away with all the others.

I know I'm always saying that life is too short....but I feel more than ever how quickly it can all end. And not just for me, for any of the people I love.

Trent I'm sure when he climbed on his bike that day, when he was flying down the road with the wind in his perfectly dark brown biker dude hair that it was the last ride he'd take, it was the last wind to blow on his face.....I heard he rear-ended another car that was turning into their driveway and just like that, his life ended.

Plus all of this is also heavy on my heart because my own mother was in a car accident on Thursday and she too could have been a goner.....

Seatbelts never sounded so good to me.....and I'm going to hug people more in the future.

Oh, and Trent.....You don't "really" know me....but rest in peace where ever you are! You've touched more lives with your own than you even know.....

Issues:

I have them.

Tonight I talked to my mom for a long time....

See all while growing up my mother went everywhere alone. I mean she ususally took us kids with her, but my father would never want to go. Wedding receptions, family functions, grocery getting, school fuctions...there she'd be just her and her children. He just NEVER wanted to go.

See....for the past five years or so, I've been going everywhere by myself....trips to Wisconsin, grocery getting, cookouts, get-togethers, family things.....because it's just easier to go alone than it was to take the time to convice somoene to WANT to go with you.

We all suffered since my parents split, we've all had our own issues to contend with, but it wasn't the downfall of my parents marriage that has scarred me, it's all the events of the duration of it. I know my mother was unhappy, I think I've known it all of my life. And here I sit at a computer in a house that I'm now calling home reliving the very pattern that I said I'd never do. Granted there is ONE HUGE difference between Keith and my dad, it's that my dad was and is to this day a heartless, selfcentered prick, where Keith is really a good person, a really good person. No one would even argue that point. I know I married him believing that he was the opposite of my father for that very reason. Keith was the type of guy who would do anything for anyone.....I worry sometimes that I've ruined him.

I'm scared....scared to death to relive the life of my parents.....to wake up like my mother did when she was almost fifty and think....why am I still here. Did I give my kids the best life I could have by STAYING? Did my unhappiness trickle down into their very being, did my own dysfunctional marriage make them afraid to fall in love, to allow themselves to be loved and to know that when a man touches them it's not for all the wrong reasons. Or in my case to opt for all the men who do touch them for all the wrong reasons and fall in love with them despite of it!

See that's a pattern that I've started all on my own....fall in love with men who you know are the wrong one....seek out and yearn for relationships that are doomed to fail:

John - someone I knew would move away and not take me with him...and had a lot of emotional baggage that he couldn't deal with.....

Craig - my boss at work....who despite the fact that I was only 18 and he was ten years older than me dated me anyways, who was an alcoholic and completly incapable of functioning in a healthy relationship....

Jaime - Somone who despite all my better judgement and brutal honesty about his intentions with me (which I totally ignored) I not only carried on with for 4 months physically....but allowed my heart to be so vulnerable to....when he told me from the very beginning....it wasn't what he wanted.....

so naturally when I met Mr. All-around-good-guy-Keith.....I thought I was breaking that cycle once and for all....no more late night booty calls, no more wondering if he'd call, no more hating myself for loving him.....No Siree, I was doing the RIGHT thing, the smart choice, the one everyone could see but someone like me who wouldn't know a good relationship if it hit them going 100 miles per hour.....

and now...all I can say is hmmmmm....I really didn't see THIS coming. How can I not make it work with someone like him?

You know how in all old western movies there's the good guy in the white cowboy hat, and the evil sinister "bad guy" would be wearing the black hat.....well Keith is definately a white hat guy....but maybe I was never meant to marry a cowboy at all. You know that song....Mamma don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys?...."They'll leave you a lone and they'll never be home...." Once again....wisdom comes from the most unheard of places...even Willie Nelson songs apparently!

It's Been Two Years Since......

I've had a week long vacation.....I'm officially on vacation TODAY!!

See I was supposed to go with Keith and his family up to Michigan to the Lake again......but well, as you all know.....I'm not going.

Last summer I missed out on my week vacation because I was taking summer classes and man did it suck.....

So what to do, what to do.....???

I got my own checking account Thursday.....handed over my debit card and checkbook to Keith yesterday.....weird.....and sobering......

So.....look out week, I'm ready to do nothing and everything with you.

I'm all Ears....

I read through the last few posts on here....and damn.....why would anybody read this crap.....I really got to pull it together and write something worth while for the purpose of reading.

My apologies friends and bloggers alike.....

You know what...I've been going on and on about what's going on with me.....and I've failed to ask....."What's going on with all of you?"

Here's your chance.....this one is all about everyone else for a change....because even I'm starting to get sick of ME!! :)

An Open Book.....

Family:

Yesterday I came home from work, home to a home that isn’t “really” my home, more of a shelter from the storm really, but when I got home from work, there were two adorable little girls hiding behind the recliner who jumped out and said "SURPRISE"!! The surprise being they spent the entire day coloring pictures for me. Steph walks around the corner and says: Hey you’re home….it’s pizza and movie night!! Matt was eating and discussing the events of his day, Steph was listening to him and getting the kids fed. The whole place was filled with laughter, chewing, conversation and happiness. I couldn’t help but to smile once I walked through the front door. It’s almost impossible to be down when you are surrounded by happy little girls who are dying for your attention.

Yesterday Keith told me he didn’t want me to write about him in here anymore…..he wanted me to leave him out…..but I told him, how could I write about my life, without writing about him, he is my life. Or he is what I wanted in my life. I’d just be leaving out so much if I couldn’t include him.

He said my Aunt Kim reads this and our friend Linda as well, and he didn’t want them reading about our lives online…..but I would tell Linda or Kim in person the same things I would write here, so I guess I don’t know what makes the difference if I’m open and honest here as well as in person with the people I know and love.

I’ve always believed that if it’s the truth, you shouldn’t be ashamed to tell it. So, I guess…in my eyes you should measure your actions against that….if it’s something you wouldn’t want someone else to know about you….then maybe you shouldn’t have done it, or said it. OR….if you did do something you are ashamed of, sometimes the best thing to do is just admit to it and let the truth be known.

For instance, I’m not proud of the fact that I don’t have the “fight” left in me to keep trying to MAKE things work at home in the same frustrating way I have over the last few years…..moving out…..some may see it as a step in the right direction, while others may see it as failure, quitting, giving up. I’m not proud of the state of Keith and I’s relationship, but what’s the sense in hiding that from everyone? What good can come of it? I will take my share of the blame. So everyone who is reading this…..it’s not all Keith’s fault. I’m not exactly “super wife” myself…..you know?!

And Keith if you are reading this….I can’t not write about you……I can’t pretend that you aren’t part of the story that is my life…..especially when we are in the midst of finding out if you are a reoccurring character, or one who’s storyline has come to an end.

Day One of My New Existence:

This morning I woke around 5:30 am to hear the movement of footsteps overhead. My new housemate Matt was getting ready for work….I stared at my bunk bed overhead and wondered how long it will take to get used to my new view, my new room, my Dora the Explorer blanket on my bed.

Leaving yesterday was tough….really tough….I cried and it broke my heart to drive away from my house knowing that I don’t live there anymore….all my hopes and dreams of what life would be like for me there….just slowly fading into the rearview mirror and then gone out of my sight.

Steph stayed with me most of the night talking…..I think she knew those first hours and the first night would be the toughest on me…she’s a good friend and she knows me like the back of her own hand, or so it would seem.

Isn’t it strange how within a few weeks your life can totally change and you find yourself somewhere you never imagined you would be? I mean, I never thought I’d be 28 years old and possibly getting divorced, living with one of my best friends since the third grade and her family…..I’m not sure it’s sunk in yet just where my life is going…..or whether it’s within my control to steer it in the direction that is the best one for me.

I’m just going to focus on taking one day at a time. I don’t have to have all the answers today, I don’t have to have them next week…..maybe it’s okay to just let the answers be left undiscovered for now….