Brought to you by the makers of Halls

I know this is totally uncouth, but seriously, ever notice how when you suck on cough drops, say maybe for a few hours....the inside of your cheek becomes textured, and it's basically the texture of a man's testicles? I know, I know right, I'm gross, I have no manners....right, you are absolutely right, but so am I. Go suck on some....drops not testicles if you don't believe me.


For all you virgins out there, you might not be able to appreciate this post much....but then again, who am i kidding, NONE of my friends are virgins....so I guess this disclaimer isn't needed now is it?


Here I am, sitting at my desk, trying to get outta pony mode and into paralegal mode...and I keep running my tongue along the inside of my cheek and I can't help but laugh. My co-worker John looks at me today as I sit there smirking while working on a client's Shared Parenting Plan and he says "whats wrong with you? You look like the cat that just ate the canary!" I didn't have the heart to tell him that it wasn't the canary, it was testicular-esque cheek effect that had me smiling. For I'd surely never live THAT down.


Bet you don't know how many cough drops you need to get you from Chicago to Delphos. Any takers? 4.5, Four point Five cough drops ought to do the job if you are a conservative sucker. I'm not sure how many miles per drop that is, as I’ve not done the math, but I've got the ballsack effect in my mouth to prove I took part in the experiment if you don't believe me.


Halls.....we put the oral in "oral anesthetic."

~hl~

PHOTOBLOG UPDATE:

The pictures from my non-date are up on the photoblog for any interested parties.

My favorite one has got to be the one with the beams of sun coming through the corn on that Cattails looking plant....

Let me know which one you liked the best eh?

~hl~

The Non-Date.....Update.

Good Morning Guys!

So first let me say I survived my non-date, I’m not hanging by a noose in the spooky tree on Piquad road, and I got to tell ya, I had a really nice time.

We didn’t end up meeting at the Speedway on S. Main like we planned, since his dog decided to run down to the neighbors and try to get knocked up before our non-date, he was running late, so I told him I’d meet him at the tree. He told me where it was, I drove out there and met him. On the way there, I was on the phone with Steph, discussing the upcoming events of the evening. I told her, “I can’t spend one more night with a douchebag.”…. “Man I hope he’s not a douchebag!”

And as luck would have it, he wasn’t! *laughs*

I thought it would be awkward, but it wasn’t, I thought it might be weird and it instead, was surprising fun. We snapped pictures at the tree, I laughed my ass off as he tried to climb the tree and couldn’t, but THEN he went to his trunk and came out with a strap that he jokingly referred to as his ninja tree climbing and repelling strap. Which he used to actually climb up there, I was kind of miraculous actually…cause short of him climbing on my shoulders and me throwing him into the sky, I didn’t think there was a shot in hell he was getting up there unless he was Spiderman or something.

After the spooky tree, we drove down the road to this abandoned house, and let me tell you, that place was crazy. It looked like someone had taken a sledge hammer to all the walls….there was a bed frame stuck on the wall, crooked and seemingly thrown there…..it was surrounded by corn and dead trees and it was sooooo cold. Even with the setting sun shining on my face, it was bone chilling cold. I took some more pictures.

Then, there was an hour and a half to kill before the movie that we were set to see started, so he suggested going to bloody bridge. A bridge where a man was infamously beheaded and a woman died as well. It wasn’t too far, so we went.

We read the plaque commemorating their deaths, and we stood there while the sun set and the cold crept in even more.

So, then it was off to the movies. I wasn’t sure, since we were on a non-date if he’d let me pay my way in, he didn’t. He said, “Two for Quarantine Please”….and then we had a good laugh about how the box office guy reminded us of the “crack addict” selling magazines in the movie office space. The resemblance and demeanor were remarkably uncanny. True story!

Ok, so the movie blew. It was a horrible movie, but Pete kept me entertained when he reached over with his hand and acted like he was going to rub my teeth….a running joke between he and I after that last horrific date I went on! When I pulled my head away, he said, ok, I won’t try to rub your teeth, maybe I’ll pick your nose instead…and he came after my nose! It was funny, and definitely was a welcomed distraction from the clusterfuck on the screen that Hollywood was trying to pass off as quality theatric entertainment. It wasn’t.

You know it’s bad when you would rather have some dude trying to stick his fingers up your nose than watch the movie you paid $9.00 to see….errr…well that HE paid $9.00 for me to see.

So, the night went good. He was funny, polite and playful. Seemingly adventurous…and NOT a douchebag. As far as non-dates go, I give it two enthusiastic thumbs up.

So there ya go….

I’ll post the pictures I took of the event on my photoblog once I get a chance to look at them. Might not be until next week, cause Pete informed me my headlight was out, so I gotta get that fixed, wash my pony piss smelling clothes AND go to Steph’s for Grey’s Anatomy tonight….talk about having shit to do and not enough time to do it.

Ok, that’s all I got….One more weekend in Chicago, lets hope I don’t come home as injured this time as I did the last.

~hl~

WANT A STOCK TIP FROM YOUR FRIEND HEATHER?

BUY INTO COFFEE!

Yeah, I just read an article that says that women who drink 3 or more cups of coffee per day's breasts would shrink! You hear that people?!?!?! I FOUND A WAY TO SHRINK MY BOOBS!!!!

I'm soooooo going to drink more coffee. So if you see me running around appearing as if I’m coked out....jittery, and peeing a lot.....it's not a drug habit, it's a preemptive strike on my amble bosom....I'm so on a mission.

I can see it now, my body shaking like I have Parkinson’s from all the caffeine coursing through my veins and me walking up to random strangers, shoving my boobs in their face and saying to them: "Do they look smaller yet? Huh? Huh? Do they? Do they?"

Oh, the other good news is, women with large breasts are more likely to be diagnosed with breast cancer, and women who do not have children ALSO have a higher risk....throw in the fact that i smoked, and that's 3 out of 3 people. So the good news is....is that they also say that this new Swedish study shows that coffee also reduces the risk of breast cancer.

So, there ya go, a little health information for ya, and an explanation as to what the hell's wrong with me if you see me in the coming months. ;>)

Options, Just Friends and Injury:

This week has been weird. Yeah, there’s no better word than weird.

I guess any week that has “Sweetest Day” in it is bound to be a little different than the weeks that don’t right?

For the past few years, there’s really only one guy I ever say happy sweetest day to, this year he’s someone else’s sweetest…..and it was odd to sit there, phone in hand and hesitate to even text it to him. Being friends…it’s tricky after the fact sometimes. Sometimes you find yourself in foreign territory. Sweetest day is definitely foreign territory after what has transpired lately. So I texted him. No call, just a text and I even threw in a “m’friend” just to keep things honest. My sweetest day was then spent with bucking bronco ponies, sustained injuries and hugs from my friend/roommate in Chicago Justin. Yes, the guy that got sprayed by the skunk. *laughs*….he’s turned into such an ally for me up there. When I need a hug, he’s right there, when I need a bucket of water for the ponies or my shit barrel emptied….he’s more than happy to get me whatever I need…..it’s weird, I’ve known him since I was 15, and this is the first year I see him for the man he’s turned into, as opposed to the kid I grew up with. We’ve both come so far since those days of early adolescence. We’ve shared some similar heartbreak as well.

Anyway, so there’s that…..and then there’s the “New Guy”….or maybe I should call him the NEW/NEW guy….Tomorrow I’m going on a “non-date” with someone brand new. Funny thing is, I haven’t even tried to chicken out of it yet. He reads my blog on my myspace page, which is basically just posts I copy from here and paste to there….being much more selective of course, different audience and all….but anyway, he read some of my stuff and requested that I not write about him. When I told him that it wasn’t an option, I write about what I want, and if I wanted to write about him, well, there’d be little to stop me…..and that’s when he said, well, if you must, I want my name to be Peter.

Think that’s a clue? A red flag? Remember “Ditch”…I let him pick his name and he ditched me, now ole Pete, or as he requested, peter….which is aka for “dick”….so should I assume he’ll “dick” me over just as “ditch” ditched me? There’s a bunch of people that are under the belief that your name says a lot about you…..so I wonder, what does “PETER” say about NEW/NEW guy? Guess I’ll find out tomorrow. I’m not too worried though, I told him I wasn’t in this for dating. After my last date, I swore that shit off for awhile. So he knows there will be NO TEETH RUBBING OF ANY KIND going on. He agreed to not try.

So tomorrow, he and I are going to go do some photography. He knows I’m into it, and he’s into spooky shit apparently, because he’s taking me out in the country to photograph this really spooky tree. Surrounded by corn and I’ve got to tell you, it is pretty spooky. So lets hope he’s not a crazy psychopath who’s going to string me up in said tree.

It’s not your typical date…because it’s a NON-date, and it’s not a typical outing, but he’s not really a typical guy either….

So that covers the man-front in my life….now it’s on to injury report.

So I busted up my leg pretty good. Had a pony get a little upset over a fat kid trying to load, decided it was going to show us it’s displeasure in the situation…and while in the process of trying to stop her (the pony) and keep the other ponies under control, I tore or pulled something in my leg. Sometimes it’s sharp and shooting, sometimes my leg goes numb and feels like a block of concrete, and other times it feels like it’s on fire, and gets enflamed feeling. Then I have the big ole horse bite on my arm where “Chief” decided he wanted to take a chunk outta me. I hurt my shoulders the same time I hurt my leg, and now I’m sitting here wondering, what if I’m still hurt come Friday? What will I do? Will I still go and work my last scheduled weekend? Matt (aka my boss/brother-in-law) will kill me if I leave him now.

So I’m limping, I’m in foreign territory, I have bruises all over me….I have one foot in the door and one foot out….and it’s not over yet. There’s more to come…..

There is more to come….

Maybe I’ll write about my non-date turn out tomorrow if I have time…..until then…..

~hl~

The Never Ending Ebb and Flow...or come and go if you will....

I wrote a poem once called "With one comes another"....

and it's about how everything in life is a bit ying and yang. With good comes bad, happiness and sadness. Because what would life be if you never had a contrasting or conflicting emotion?

The last six days have been NOTHING BUT conflicting emotions and events in my life.

My sister is independently studying astrology and called the other day to tell me all about me, the Aquarius. One of the things she said that she discovered in the course of her research is that Aquarians are mystical creatures, and many times, they can predict things....almost cause their own prophesies to come to pass. Be it that they will them into existence, or they just have this unique ability to know what's going to happen next.....

I was afraid this would happen....

I was afraid that moving here to this place was a bad idea. And in true Aquarius fashion (according to Brooke), as it turns out, it was.

One of the hardest lessons for me in this life is learning NOT to trust people as I do. Not an easy pill to swallow for me....

When my roommate asked me to BE his roommate, I had my doubts. I didn't want to give up the sanctity of my little home, the home I established, recovered and healed from the horrible heartbreak that is a divorce. But he assured me that this was a good thing. That this was a good thing for ME and him BOTH. Once the ball was set into motion, however, there was no going back. I took a chance coming here....I put faith in a new friend, and after just a few short months, that faith has been shattered.

And so the search begins for my new starting over point. Where do i go? Where will life have me take a stab at trying next?

Thursday, someone I had once lost, like a shooting star, made a brilliant appearance once more....the events of the day still have me walking around in a bit of a daze, as if my mind has not been able to comprehend it's meaning, or if there were any meaning to it at all. Thursday found me happy, Friday night used, Sunday brought on optimism, while Monday brought the blues....

So again I will begin to pack....pack away old feelings as they certainly are of no use to me now.....box up my belongings with no known forwarding address....and while I've cried, and prayed, asked for forgiveness and laid my head on a loved ones shoulder.....I would apprear pretty shaken, but I think I'm going to be alright. I'm not sure, but I think it. And you know us crazy aquarians, if you think it, he will come. *smiles*

I told my friend Eric tonight, when he told me he was concerned about me....I said, Eric, you are new in the world of me, but don't worry....while I may not be a cat who always lands on her feet, I am a girl with a pretty cushy tush, and when life has me falling on my ass, as it has often times does, as luck would have it, I bounce pretty good. I won't give up.....I might cry and whine a little, but after my short stint in hopelessnessville, I'll find a way. It won't be the way you might go, it won't be the way you'd necessarily choose for me, but I'll do it, one way or another.....and who knows, one day, maaaaybe, just maaaaaybe, I'll get it right..

Life is not always ours to control. And since our lives are made not just of ourselves, but in our interactions with others, it's ever changing. When something goes wrong, it's not up to us to kick ourselves for that which we cannot change, but to take the hand we're dealt, and fuck.....throw some chips in the pot, who knows, maybe you're bluffing...maybe you're not....but the pot is yours for the taking....I think you just have to want it more than the other guy.

With One Comes Another

The sun will rise, the sun will set

Some will remember, some will forget

The world will turn, birds will fly

A baby is born while another will die

The tide comes in and goes back out

One person whispers while another one shouts

A life is spared, a life is taken

Some will go to sleep while others awaken

A building tore down, another one built

A flower blooms while another wilts

Two get married, four get divorced

An old product pulled, a new one endorsed

Each ending bringing a new start

Sometimes our biggest blessings are broken hearts

Some of us will shine, while others will fade

Some of us will swim, while others only wade

But like footprints in the sand we'll all wash away

We may not change the future, but we can change our outlook on today

by: ~hl~

Dating....two thumbs waaaaay down:

Okay, so I mentioned that I agreed to date someone. A rarity in itself right? Yeah. Right. Heather isn't a dater....

So I thought I could do this....I tried to chicken out at least ten times after telling him I'd go....and it was just supposed to be a simple walk....he wanted to go with me to take Chubs for his nightly walk. He drove like forty minutes just to hang out on a weeknight.

I even prepped for the expected and unexpected. I talked to Darren, I asked him "What if he wants to kiss me and I don't want to kiss HIM?" Darren said, "Well Heather, that's simple, before he goes in for the kiss, tell him you don't kiss on the first date." I thought, yep, sure, sounds simple and any upstanding guy would respect that right? WRONG!

Okay, so he shows up at my house at six thirty as planned. I'm ready to go for our walk, and he says, "aren't you hungry?"...and I'm like.."Uh, no." I ask him..."Why are you?" He says he's starving. I told him that I'd offer to cook him something, but with me being out of town so much, I hadn't bothered to stock the shelves lately. So I tell him I'd go with him to eat. We go around town, find a place to try...we split an appetizer...I ordered a sandwich, thought it'd be better than watching HIM eat...and we had a decent conversation. He's not a bad looking guy, smells nice, but somethings off.....after awhile, the half decent smelling cologne starts to turn on me and it wasn't long before it was no longer a scent so much as it was a stench....I should of aborted then....I should of....I can still smell it and he left an hour ago.

Anyway....we eat, we come back, I again suggest we go for a walk, get outta the house, and he says that he didn't bring a jacket and would freeze in only a short sleeved shirt. I grimace and offer to get him a sweatshirt....he counters with, lets just watch a movie....as he glances around my living room at the hundreds of DVDs my roommate has displayed like we are gearing up to open our own version of Blockbuster. I bite my lip, and am nervous. This means couchtime. I wasn't prepared for couchtime....I was prepared to show him around "Marbletown" and maybe have a decent conversation followed by...and this is only if things went well....maaaaybe sitting on the porch awhile before he got in his car and left. Okay, so that obviously didn't happen....

So he says, "lets watch Iron Man"...Me, being agreeable, say ok, even though I've already watched it. I put it in, we didn't even make it through the previews and he says, "hey, how about I give you a backrub, I know you said you were really sore from lifting all those kids up and down off the ponies".....well, and I WAS sore.....and he was insisting....and had already positioned himself, hands out, and everything, and like a retard....I sat down like he motioned and rubbing ensued.

Rubbing and excruciating pain. I've had my fair share of uncomfortable moments on a date, but having a man rub your back in a way that makes you want to cry out for all that is holy in the world....well, that was a first for me. I winced, I tried to relax, I moved, repositioned for a less painful approach, but there was no escaping this....then he said his hands were tired and pulled me towards him and he rested his arms around me dangerously close to "the girls"...aka...my chestorial region.

I lay my head down like a "good girl" and he burps up the steak sandwich with onions, green peppers and cheese which upon his breathing out, his exhale encompasses my face my stomach turns, my gag reflex goes on notice....and I literally thought I was going to hurl all over my roommate's couch. My eyes watered and everything. He said..."oh, excuse me"....that burb could of peeled the paint off the walls it was so potent and primed.

So there we are, watching the movie when his hands started to wander to my lips. I'm like why's he touching my face? Hello? Does anyone know why this dude is touching my face?? I don't just go up to random strangers and start feeling up their faces....odd it was. At one point he was touching my teeth! I was like, my teeth? Really, you got a thing for enamel or what? Was he checking to see if I floss? Then he tried to pull my chin up so he could kiss me and I told him.."I'm sorry, I don't kiss on first dates"....he let go of my face, turned towards the television and then two seconds later was back to trying to kiss me. Now, don't get me wrong, it was more persistent than pushy, or forceful, but I was like..."Dude, how rude, I just got done telling you that I don't kiss on the first date...and here you are again, planting one on me. I turned my head away from him and just acted very focused on the movie. My cell phone lights up....it's my mother. I want to answer and say..."mooooom, this boy keeps trying to kiss me....and I don't want to.".....but instead I sit, every muscle in my body tight...praying for the ending credits to roll so I could walk him to the door. Credits roll, he starts making out with me, and I stand up and say..."wow, I'm soooo tired...and you have to get up early...." he says, "actually, I get to sleep in tomorrow, I'm off work."

fuck!.....

So I look at Chubs and say...."Hey boy, you need to go potty?" I needed a moment to get outside and rethink my exit strategy, because the initial plan wasn't working. I didn't want any of this, it's like the date that is so far off the charted course, it was like I was on someone else's date altogether. FUUUUUUCK.

So i regain composure, go in with more resolve than before....but apparently I have about as much resolve as the US government, which really just amounts to a bunch of people scrambling for what the hell to do because Plan fucking "A" didn't go as planned.

I go back in, I give him a quick hug, say thanks for making the trip over and I'll walk you to the door, he kisses me again....and I say..Alrightee then, goodnight. He walks out the door and I quickly close and lock it behind him.

And now I sit here writing this thinking to myself....I KNEW i should of chickened out of this....just KNEW IT. I hate dating, who am I kidding, dating fucking blows, always has, always will and I'd of rather spent a whole evening with my dog chubs trying to hump my leg than to try to smile and be polite of someone's feelings because I don't want to hurt them, or make them feel as rejected as I know I'd of felt had he not liked me.

I feel like someone just dumped a whole barrel of bleck on me.

Now tomorrow, he'll text message me in the morning...something sweet and thoughtful like "Good Morning Beautiful" like he did this morning and I'm going to have to think of how I'm going to tell him that I don't want to see him again.

I hate this part. But I won't do to this guy, what Darren's girl did to him. I won't let him believe that I want more, when it couldn't be further from the truth. I won't use him for dinners, free movie tickets, not even a new car if he offered it....I'll buy my own damn dinner and I'll do it gladly and the only smelly burps I'll have to deal with will be my own. Sad you say...nope....it's honest. Am I narcissistic? You know.....I don't think so....am I a loner...no...not really...I guess I would just rather love those I already love, be intimate with people I know and trust....and I don't want to try and be anybody's anything.....I am who I am...and maybe I just wasn't cut out to be someone's somebody.

*sighs and looks sadly at the floor*....why is chemistry so hard to find, and when you DO find it, why's it always with the wrong person?

You got to be F*cking Crazy to Date These Days:

Why do Women got to be such Bitches?

You know that song by Twisted Sister that says “We ain’t going to take it, NO! we ain’t going to take it anymore!!!” It was catchy…..and if this was a radio station, and I could request a song, I’d request and dedicate that song to my friend….Darren.

Okay, so I don’t date a lot, and this is because of two main reasons:

#1 – There isn’t anyone around here I WANT to date.

#2 – I don’t date people just to date….so as to avoid hurting anyone. I don’t get involved with people that are not one of two things. 1-a friend/lover whom I can have a casual relationship were both parties know the deal and nobody gets hurt, 2-someone I really see a future with.

So today, my friend Darren tells me that that girl he was so crazy about…sent him a mass e-mail, you know the kind that sounds like a newsletter and is written and disseminated to like 20 of one’s closest friends. Anyway, in the e-mail, she actually says something like: “I’ve dated a couple people since me and so and so have separated, but just haven’t found the right one”…..

So my friend Darren was like…. “Whaaa? Did she send me that on purpose?” “Did she not realize she clicked my name on that list?” “WTF???!?!?!?!” “Did she just tell me she doesn’t want to see me anymore in a completely public and indirect way? Nooooo…surely not…right?”

So, with this e-mail weighing heavily on his brain, he sent her an e-mail and told her that the Colts/Patriots NFL tickets that he had, that he graciously offered to take her to, as she’s a big colts fan, were no longer available…after all, he wasn’t the right one right? Therefore making HER definitely NOT the “right one” to take to a Colts v. Patriots game! Sorry guys, but don’t EVER waste a good NFL ticket on some girl who’s less than worthy. If that’s not in the guy’s rules to dating handbook, it ought to be!

So after he e-mails her about the tickets, he’s still pretty bummed, because he actually liked this girl, thought she was something special…and then, while feeling vulnerable and wishing he’d never gotten her stupid newsletter e-mail, he emailed her and you know what she replied? she said:

“Didn’t you get my email? i.e. I’m done with you!”

What a B*tch….what a good for nothing mean spirited B*tch.

Why, why, why do women do this? Why do they kiss a guy and let them believe there’s a chance, when there isn’t? She ripped his heart out and for what? Her own amusement? For Colt’s tickets?

Hey I’m all for testing the water with someone, but don’t stay in until your skin is all pruney to decide if it’s a go or not. Sink or swim, but do something, don’t fucking wrap your legs around the poor dude and use him as a floatation device while you decide if you want to be saved or not...because when you do that, you leave the other person feeling like they are going to drown in overwhelming uncertainty...well, and horny because you wrapped your legs around em! Confused, insecure and horny, I think we can all agree is not the best way to go through this life.

I’m a big fan of telling people what you have to offer and what you don’t. For instance, my friend in West Virginia, I adore him, I really do, he’s a great, great, great guy. BUT I know it won’t work between us, for Christ sakes, he lives in West Virginia. I live here. His family is there and he doesn’t want to move away from them, and my family lives here and I don’t know that I want to move away either. Therefore, I told my dear ole friend that straight up. Sure, it sucks when you meet someone and for one reason or another it just doesn’t work out, but isn’t it better to tell the other person your reasoning, so they don’t feel like they are ugly, undesirable, or are left feeling used in the end? How do you ever expect to have anything REAL with someone, if you never REALLY tell them what you think/feel?

And this is why I just don’t like dating. For guys, they get used for dinner, movies, Starbucks gift certificates, etc. Girls, we get used for sex mostly, and sometimes stand in girlfriends for big events like weddings and reunions a cure for loneliness…..or the infamous trophy on a man’s arm to make him feel like he’s ten feet tall and bullet proof.

What’s wrong with us? Why do we do that to each other? People are not doormats, interchangeable and replaceable at the slightest of one’s whim.

What ole “whatsherface” doesn’t know is that Darren, he’s not just some dude. He’s a father to Bella, he’s a son, he’s someone’s brother and he’s MY FRIEND. And he DID NOT deserve to be treated like that. He’s no doormat for any woman to wipe her feet on.
LEAST of all….HER!

Hang in there buddy….she was a leach, and nobody misses the blood sucking leach they have removed from their body….nobody says…. “man, I sure wish my leach was here right now”…..or “I remember when my leach and I used to….” Know what I mean?

Anyway, so do me a favor, send some positive thoughts Darren’s way tonight…..it aint easy being single these days…so many pitfalls and wrong turns…..lots of big bad wolfs and wicked witches along the path we called singlehood.

I must be crazy to of agreed to go out with that “new guy” next week….has Darren’s experience taught me nothing?