Cell Phone Warning....

So me and my sister Angie talk a LOT on our respective ways home from Chicago every Sunday night, and on our way TO on Friday nights, it's like we travel together, just in separate vehicles.  So Sunday night, we're just chatting away, and my phone starts breaking up, and Angie was trying to decide what I said, based on the blips she missed....

what she heard was "I didn't stop and get any ASS on my way home, hope I make it!"

I wondered why she was laughing....and when she said what my phone conveyed to her, I couldn't help but wonder.....am I really funny.....always having my sister laughing, or is my phone making me so?

"....Get some "ass" on the way home....I tell ya....There's not any "ass stations" that I know of in Indiana that you'll find ME stopping to pump ASS from!  that much I assure you!

Thanks Verizon for making conversations sooooooo much more interesting between two sisters!

I think from now on, i'm going to say "fuel"...just to be on the save side! :)

xoxox

~hl~

On a side note:  I discovered today that I SNEEZE exactly like my Grandma Irene!  Just throwing that out there....Self discovery never stops....no matter how old you get.

This and That....

Greetings from the big city, from my office, that I have to take an elevator up to get to.

I'm still not "home" here, but at least I can get in my car and drive here without having that sudden panic in my morning commute that i'm going the wrong way to work now....that's helpful.

Working here in Lima is a lot different than my days in little ole Ottawa.....I look out my window and see big buildings and civilization.....there are ALWAYS sirens blaring, racing off to here or there....

The people are a lot different, when I eat lunch and stare out the window in the lunch room, I see all kinds of people hustling around.  The rich businessmen in suits, the criminals popping into the probation department to check in, voters coming to the board of elections.....

today i saw an old couple crossing the street, both with the whitest hair, and orthopedic shoes....and I couldn't help but smile and hope and pray that one day that will be me and MG.  That we'll be like that, old and grey, and still together.

This whole working in Chicago every weekend makes it tough on my heart....to have to leave behind it's desire week in and week out.  Rushing back to him on a Sunday night nearly makes my heart SING at the anticipation of seeing him brings.

but enough about that, don't want to make anyone gag with my mushy love stuff....

I'm so looking forward to Breaking Dawn Part 1 coming out AND also "One for the Money" the new Catherine Heigle movie coming out made from one of my new favorite author's Janet Evanovich!

I've realized lately, that I've been blessed by getting to have some pretty amazing people in my life...I really am!  The older I get, the more people I meet and I swear that the quality of the people in my life just keeps getting better.  Those flippant friends have fallen away, the phonies and the fakes, long gone...and what's left, are people who are "real"...people of substance, and qualities some people WISH the possessed.  I am a very wealthy woman if you measure wealth in love for others, and love reflected back at you from those loved ones!

And did I mention I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE riding my motorcycle?  MG, Jim and myself all went out last night for a ride, maybe the last good weather day before winter sets in, and it was awesome.  Got to bust out my wallet with the chain that hooks to your beltloop that MG got me for my birthday last year, I was so biker-chick'ed out it wasn't even funny...ok, so alright, maybe it was funny, but it was bad-ass too!  My bike is a piece of work, just like I am i think...full of quirks....bright red....there's kindredship there, I can feel it.

Now as I will be able to sit and watch the snow fall outside of this gigantic window i sit near.....I'll be longing for "riding weather"....longing to be back out there.....riding my face off!

You never know what will move you, what will grab hold of you until you do it, and between taking a chance at giving my heart to MG, and getting on that bike that first time......one thing I know for certain....is that some risks are soooooo worth taking!

I read something today, an article that said that the average human lives to be 77.  but when you think that you only get seventy seven summers, 77 christmases, 77 birthdays, all the sudden, you start to see that 77 isn't THAT many.  If you had 77 dollars in your pocket, you would be far from loaded, and the way I see it, I dont' want to waste a single ONE of my 77....especially when we're not guarented even tomorrow!

So if you want to fall in love...JUMP!  if you want to ride, RIDE!  if you want to smile really big and let the whoosh of the air, fill up your mouth and puff out your cheeks!  I say do it!

Seventy Seven summers.....and with only 44 left, all I can think is, that'll never seem like enough time with MG....half a lifetime seems like just not enough time to love him like I do......I'm afraid that I love him more than a mere 44 years can hold.

xoxo

~hl~

Fall Leaves.....Change is all around....

I don't know what it is about today, but I feel like I'm tuned into things that I shouldn't, and am blocking out the things that I should be paying attention to....

Now at my new job, i'm supposed to be "LEARNING" my new job.....instead, I found myself closing my eyes on the street as I was walking from my Court to the one down the street....basking in the sunshine and nearly plowing into the Probation Officer leaving his office next door......didn't phase me...at lunch, I listened mesmerized by the clippity clop of my heels on the blacktop pavement, and the sloshing noise my freshly ingested mt. dew and chinese food made in my belly....all while thinking....wow, that was far, far too much lunch, to actually EAT for lunch.  Making mental note, no more chinese buffet for lunch....*burps/belches*.....Pardon me, I can't help it......the carbs are speaking THROUGH me again!

Some things of note:  I'm having a pretty fun time with my sister every weekend in Chicago.....between her making me laugh til my belly aches on the weekends, and MG having me in stitches and non-stop smiles during the week, I'm feeling like that guy from "it's a wonderful life"....or like Scrooge on Christmas morning when he realizes he hasn't "missed it"....I'm so happy, I'm fairly certain that I could make people vomit with the goodness that's oozing out of my every orphis.  Don't stand close to me if you don't want to get any on you!  Just warning you.....

Don't get me wrong, I do have moments of pissy-ness, I am a woman, a woman working the "Pony-Ring" in Chicago......nobody is immune to the negativity that is "customer service" sometimes, but once "off the clock"....I snap back.

There's a lot of crazy things happening all around me.....in the lives of the people I know and love, and I hate to risk jinxing it by saying this, but my life is feeling quite steady at the moment.  Now that all the SHOCK is starting to wear off of quitting my job and starting a new career path.....and I find more and more confidence in the fact that MG and I....well, we're really something.....and all signs point to the fact that we BOTH really love and appreciate what we have together.....I'm starting to be a little less paranoid.  THAT's an amazing feat btw, i think paranoia possibly runs in my family.....in the O***** DNA or something perhaps.

So many times I've wanted to come and write here, so many mental scenes I would of loved to paint for you, to bring you along with me lately......and yet, something stops me.....keeps me from doing so, I'm going to try and change that if I can, bear with me.....for it is fall, and in Fall, I find change in not just the scenerey around me, but INSIDE of me....perhaps that change can start here, now....

All my Luv to those to frequent here, should there be any of you left.....
~hl~

The End of an Era:

Today is my last day.....after 15 years, I'm leaving this little town in which I work....I am leaving my Paralegal Job of the last five and a half years.....

Fifteen years is practically my entire adult life it seems like, and the idea that I will no longer be a part of this community, this office building....well, it's a tough pill to swallow.

They say onward and upward, but I've never been good at goodbyes....I generally just find it too hard to find the "good" in the Goodbye.

There are goodbye flowers on my desk, goodbye emails in my inbox, goodbye phone calls and text messages...goodbye hugs in the lobby and goodbye lunches galore...and it's all so final.  Real.

I took a new job, in a different town.....and while it's a job that will better my situation, leaving here is bittersweet.  When co-workers become family...and work-cities become your second home.....they become as much a part of who you are as your eye color, and favorite lip gloss.

I don't know what it is about the fall....but as the leaves change, so do I it seems....

So today i leave my job of what seems like forever......

I leave for Chicago tonight to work all weekend for "The Camel Towing Company"....

And Monday morning....I will be in a new city, stepping foot into my new office....and assuming my position as "New Girl"....

Marriage: It's in the air....

My cousin got married this weekend….and there’s nothing like a wedding to make people start asking you when YOU’RE going to get married….

My uncle came up to MG, my uncle who he’s only met once or twice and said “so, I’m going to just say it, What are you waiting for man?!” Literally putting him very much on the spot, and I felt bad for him, but I was also curious at what his response would be, as MG and I DO NOT talk about such things. Call me old fashioned, but I just believe that it’s the man’s job to propose, to ask you to be his….I don’t have heart to heart talks with MG about our “future together”, where we’re going, IF we’re soul mates. I don’t look longingly at engagement rings in magazines and leave them around the house for him to find, I don’t write my name with his last name as my own, these are just things I don’t do.

On our way to the Church, before my Uncle put him on the spot, he says to me “why do people have to get married anyway? I’ve known people who were together forever and not married?” I was driving, and I just said to him, “you know…for me, it’s about making someone your FAMILY.” And then I told him a story about a woman who dated the same man for 15 years…..they loved each other very much, but both kept their own houses, they’d both been divorced so they didn’t get married….then one day the guy didn’t return her phone call, she called again and again, still nothing, she was worried, so she went to his house, used her key, and found him dead, of an apparent heart attack. And in the end, after all the years together, it didn’t matter, she was JUST his girlfriend. Funeral arrangements were handled by his adult children, his things, collected, distributed, liquidated. She spent her life with someone, who in death, she had no importance, no say, no RIGHT to be a part of. And I said that me personally, I wouldn’t want to spend my LIFE with someone, only to at the END of that life, to have no say, to not be able to be buried next to them, or to be a part of the ending of their life…..

MG then said, when I was finished with my very lengthy response to his seemingly simple question, “Wow, well, I can’t argue with that”….

And that’s where the conversation ended.

But to be brought up again when my uncle asked him when he was going to make an honest woman of me.

He told my uncle that Marriage to him, was very much like standing on the edge of a cliff, one he didn’t want to be pushed over, if he was going to do it, he wanted to jump, not be pushed. Which I’ll give him this, it was a great response to someone asking you hard questions like that…so I give him props for that. After my uncle walked off, I tried to assure him that I had nothing to do with that, that I wasn’t pushing for marriage or for my family to hit him up about it, which my sister Brooke joined into the conversation to validate my claim and she told him “it’s true, Heather never talks to me about marriage or says things like she wants you to hurry and ask her or anything….” But the whole thing had me feeling shaky.

Once at the wedding, (and btw, we’re having a pretty great day at this point)…..we ate and drank and socialized, but after dinner, we both went outside for a stroll….as I’m not a big fan of wedding fanfaire….so we strolled in the parkinglot, him chewing his chewing tobacco and me just enjoying the glorious weather…..we went and looked at an old 60’s restored yellow and black ford mustang….and then found out way over to a swing set back behind the hall…and we had one of those great talks….like really good talks where you talk about how you grew up, and memories, and who we are and why we are the way we are…and he asked me “if you could go to the time in your life when you were the happiest, would you want to?” and I said “to be honest with you….I’m the happiest NOW then I’ve ever been, so no, I wouldn’t want to be in any other time in my life, than where I am now.” I explained to him that while I love where I’ve been, I wouldn’t trade it for where I am now. It was a great talk which ended with me asking him….”are you happy?” and him saying “yeah, I really am.”

We spent the day Sunday together, I made him breakfast, he worked on my cousin’s car…..my sister came over to his house to visit me, (her first time there ever)….and we went to my house later to feed my dog Chubs…..and he put his arm around me and said “lets go home…..errr, I mean, I shouldn’t say that, I mean, you have a home, I just meant back to my home”….and I felt like the air was knocked out of me. I just really wished he didn’t feel the need to make that kind of clarification.

So today, me being the over analyzing me that I am, I didn’t want to let it go without making some clarifications of my own so I said the following:

"I just wanted to tell you thanks for making my weekend so awesome...and for being with me and around my family...it really meant a lot to me that you were there, secondly, i'm sorry for being moody yesterday, i was just really bummed about my uncle. thirdly, i think you were really trying to make a point about the whole "why do people have to get married "...and "i don't want pushed off a cliff" and "lets go home, wait i shouldn't say that cuz you have your own home"...i get it, i hope you know i would never push you off a cliff or pressure you to give me more than you already do. please tell me you know that?!

I know i kinda twisted your arm into giving me a chance...but forever is nothing i would want to talk you into...sharing a life...living together...marriage...that's not something i would ever demand, beg, plead, or try to sweettalk you into. i love you...and i do and always will respect that your future is yours and its' always going to be up to you how you choose to spend it

He said: "yeah, yeah, i know"

then he said : i wasn't tryin to make you think i don't ever want to get married...that's just my only defense i've always said. i love you and i bet you know that. and as for the house thing, i just didn't want u to get mad that we are always at my house like it's home and your's isnt

so i said: "if home is where the heart is, my home is always going to be wherever u r.”

And that my friends is how I feel. We may not be out buying rings and merging households, but as we speak, I’m wearing his boxers for underwear, and I’ve never been happier, more in love, or more hopeful in the idea that SOME relationships really ARE for real, and for the right reasons. Every day he teaches me more and more about life and love, and I hope that for as long as I live, he’s the person I’ll wake up to, and lay down with each night….because truly, I believe my place in this world is next to him….wherever that may be.

~hl~

In sad news:  my Great Uncle Kenny died yesterday.  I am heavy hearted at this news, because while I did not ever know his brother, my grandfather, as he died before i was born, Kenny was the closest thing I knew to having an O***** Grandfather.  He was such a character, as most all O******'s are, ornary, and at times cantankrous and tempermental....but his smile was IMPOSSIBLE to ignore, and IMPOSSIBLE to forget or be affected by.  So R.I.P Uncle Kenny.  You will be so greatly missed by those who knew and loved you.

Maybe it's the heat.....

Maybe it's the heat that has me easily aggravated,

but does anyone else absolutely HATE the Arby's "it's good mood food" campaign?!

I swear when they sing "it's gooooood mood fooooood!" it's like nails on a chalkboard!

Please.....If any important people from Arby's see this...Please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, make it stop!!!

Oh! Guess what?

I passed my motorcycle safety class, yep, it's official, I am about to be licensed by the state of ohio to be a motorcycle momma!

might want to stay off the sidewalks for awhile guys! :)

This is the bike i practiced on before taking my class!  and yes, that IS a milkjug full of gasoline for a headlight!  A bit of a hodgepodge of a bike, but it runs like a dream...or a nightmare, depending on what you're used to! lol

A bad ending to a great vacation:

So I went on my annual vacation to Wisconsin last week/weekend.  It was a glorious time, nobody got in any tiffs with each other (something that seems to happen when all 4 women in my family are put into a house together for 2+ days...i think it must be chemical or hormonal or something because we sincerely do love one another)....anyway...so we had such a great time....went to the beach:

{Brooke with her parasol, mom, Nephew Lane and Emma trying to catch minnows}

{Angie and I with our ginormous glasses!}

{See how white I am!  I wasn't joking}

{Like the necklace MG made for me for my birthday?}

I swam in the coldest water I think I've ever been in...when i got to my neck, my vision got all funny...it was THAT cold!  but we had the whole beach to ourselves so that was awesome!  We laid on the dock after we swam and watched pontoon boats motor past.....the sun was glorious....and it bounced off of my Edward Cullen complexion but the warmth was amazing!  Even if i don't tan, I sure do like how it feels tryin!

Being in the Wilderness that is Wisconsin is awesome!  it's so woodsy and wild....I love the change of scenery from the Ohio landscape!  Could do without the mosquitos though, and ticks!  I DO NOT like ticks!  *gets the heebeegeebies*....bleck!

It was a great three and a half days!  Spending time with Angie and her family, it's a much needed escape from average ole every day life!  and the kids, wow, they are growing up so fast, I just can't believe how much they grow and turn into real people....little people, but people nonetheless.

Then on Monday, as we were on our way home, it was storming, lightning crashing all around us as we left Montello, Wisconsin.....about a mile or so out of town, two deer ran into the road, and there was nowhere for me to go!  I said "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Nooooooooo" as i realized we were going to hit the animal, but to have swerved to the left would of put us in a ditch and possibly rolled us, to have swerved to the right would of put me into head on traffic, not to mention, there was a deer in that lane of traffic too!  I had no choice but to brake as much as I could, and well, hit the damn deer.

and hit I did.  I was driving my mother's PT Cruiser, to which she absolutely LOVES....I felt horrible, absolutely horrible knowing that I was seconds away from crashing my mother's beloved vehicle.  I mean, crashing your parents car is what you do when you're 16, not 33!

The deer hit the front driver's side front quarter panel, the PT cruiser deflected it and in an amazing, absolutely amazing result!  The deer flew up into the air some 20 feet, spinning like a helicopter and landed on the opposite side of the road!  the whole thing was in slow motion, and I remember peering out my window as that deer soared into the sky and than landed with the most profound deadly THUD!  She didn't move again.  She was dead instantly.....she was dead the moment she ran into the road that day, she just didn't know it yet.  It was just so dark and rainy, I just didn't see her coming, I don't think anyone could of under the circumstances.

So i dialed 911 and reported the accident and dispatch sent a sheriff out to give us a report for my mother's insurance company.  We sat there on the side of the road with our hazards on, in a quiet disbelief.

i always knew one day we'd hit one.  Wisconsin is so over run with deer.....I mean, I LITERALLY hit a deer JOGGING once!  yes JOGGING!  hit it with my body!  You know your state is overran with deer when you can't go jogging without hitting one!

I STILL feel awful about the whole thing....but I guess, some days your the windshield, and some days you're the deer. :(

{cops}

{Trust me when i tell you it's worse than it looks here in this picture}

Fiction?

I've not been here lately because I've been working on a project, and I wanted you all to know that I'm actually writing a novel.  My first work of fiction.  It's a little crazy to think that one day you can just write a book, but hey, it's still a free country, crazier shit happens right?

So, anyway, i just wanted to share my happy news with you, that I'm finally doing it, I'm writing a book.

I'm 154 pages in.  I think it's alright so far, now I just hope someone besides ME finds it worth reading!

*crosses fingers*

~hl~

As you all know....

As you all know.....

I'm not a parent.  I own a dog....however, that doesn't make me blind to the plights of parents....or children in today day and age....

See, amazingly enough, I've been blessed with getting to know a particular teenager over the past year...and I think he's amazing.  He's got such a big heart...and he's silly and makes me laugh, and he's (mostly) honest and completely loving....He's welcomed me into his life and I've wholeheartedly embraced him being a part of mine as well! What can i say, I love the kid....anyway...so you can imagine my disappointment when he and I were at lunch at Bandido's (my favorite Mexican restaurant) not too long ago when he mentioned that he was having some trouble at school.  See he had a snow day that day....school was canceled and I called off to work...but by the time lunch rolled around, the roads were clear and he and I decided to go have a fun day together screwing off....might as well right?

So there we were, munching on some chips and salsa and he tells me that "nobody likes me"...so I say to him, "hey, that's not true, "I" like you!"  he says "Yeah, well that doesn't help!  you're not a student"...

We spoke some more and he mentioned things like "I'm not funny enough"...and "they make me feel like I don't deserve to be there"...and "they won't let me sit at their lunch table anymore"....and as i felt my blood begin to boil...and imagined beating up an entire 8th grade class full of beastly boys.....the reality set in that there wasn't much I could do to help the boy I love.  I can't MAKE people love him and see him as clearly and adoringly as i do...I can't MAKE them WANT to stay over night and play video games til their fingers fall off...

I've not faced being picked on at school....I was lucky that no matter what happened with this friend or that friend, I always had AT LEAST ONE friend.  So when other kids called me "PERIOD HEAD!" "BRICK HEAD"..."CARROT TOP"....etc, it wasn't so bad, me and my one friend would just laugh it off as "STUPID BOYS!"....cuz it was mostly boys who picked on me.  I was always a head taller than most the girls and was a farm girl with little muscles, I might of beat em up if THEY mouthed off.....I wasn't ALLOWED to have friends overnight all the time, so I couldn't of known if nobody wanted to stay, cuz i rarely was allowed to ask.  We were too busy working and helping my folks run a business to have Friends over all the time.  And we had a TON of cousins that were always around, so we always had kids our age to hang out with without kids from school.  BUTTTT...my boy doesn't have brothers and sisters, he don't have a TON of cousins always up for hanging out living right next door....he's alone.

Last weekend, he sat there with his phone in hand and said very disappointed..."I can't find anyone who wants to stay the night with me"....this coming from the same boy who only 6 months ago would have an entire living room full of boys playing video games and hanging out...

I can't figure out what happened, why have they all forsaken him?

One boy in particular who he's been friends with since nearly birth said to him "stop following me!" when my boy sat down next to him in choir class where there are NO assigned seating.  The same boy said "I'll be friends with you if you STOP following me around everywhere"....so basically he'll be friends with him so long as he doesn't have to be seen in public with him!

*gets teary eyed just thinking about hearing that*

And it's killing me, it's killing me to know that this kid has to face this day in and day out every time he rides his bike to school, THIS is what awaits him!  It's not fair...and I have no way to help him.

I bought him some cool new clothes for Christmas....I bought him zit cream a time or two...and he has a ton of things in common with these other kids, he plays sports (baseball and football)...he likes the same shit they do (Video games and the NFL and racing remote control cars...) it's not like he's got no common ground with these kids....but in the blink of an eye, he's went from having friends to spare...to not having a single one who would have his back.  And i can't help because "You're not a student!" as he so clearly pointed out.

I thought back as he was telling me his plight...about the time I found tape on his back and i said "Hey you have a piece of tape on your back!"...not knowing at the time what was going on with him...and I thought it was strange when he said to himself loud enough for me to hear.... "I'm sure they didn't stick a sign to me...I had a hooded sweatshirt on over this...didn't I?"....and i thought, "why would someone stick a sign to him?"...."wonder what it said?"....

Well, i know why now!  kids that get picked on get signs like "KICK ME" taped to their backs!!  Again my blood boiled!  And i thought of the Twilight scene when Edward thinks about killing all the kids in the classroom that first day he sat beside BELLA...about killing them all....but not so i could drink their blood, but so that I could stop them from hurting someone so special.

How do you protect a child from other children?  How do you protect a loved one when you cannot be there to be their protector?  Is loving them as much as you can outside the school halls enough?

If I had kids, I can promise you ONE thing, I'd make SURE they knew how NOT to treat others!  I would threaten to treat them 10x worse than the worst treatment they imposed on someone else!  I would make sure that they grew up knowing that the only way to be to others is kind above all else.  Why are kids so damn mean sometimes?  How on earth do they have that much hatred and spite in them before life's even had a chance to really throw them some shit yet?  Is it hormones?  is it bad parenting?  bad seeds?

I cannot erase from my mind, my dear sweet smudged glasses wearing boy, peering at me over his tortilla chip....sadly saying "it's like I don't deserve to be there"....

He's a great kid.  and it breaks my heart to know that these kids are too blind to see it.

So, for those of you who have kids, and you haven't had a talk with them lately about "bullying"....and picking on kids..please do.  A little bit goes a long way in making sure that someones child's day at school isn't like facing the worst day of their lives, EVERY, SINGLE DAY that they go.....

And to the boy who is likely to never read this or know of it's existence, I love you....even if you think you're alone...sweetie, you're not.

losing faith in humanity,

~hl~

You Know....

You KNOW that you are a misfit in a throw away society when your idea of a "fun night in" is sitting in your room, watching the Bachelor (for the first time cuz there's nothing else on)....and sewing the holes in your socks that you've kept in a basket for the past year, eerily awaiting the day that I'm either bored enough, dedicated enough, or POOR enough to mend!

yes, yes, I mended my socks.

I know what you're thinking!  "She knows how to sew?!?!"

As it turns out...it's harder to thread a needle than it is to sew shit up! HA!  Look out world, i'm armed and sewing!  Now...would you want me to sew up your face with stiches?  Absolutely not!  I said i could sew a hole shut...not make it look "pretty!" *smiles*

So, It''s official,.....

I've turned into my grandma Peg!

I didn't think this day would come quite this soon, but alas....my time has come...but my socks live on...and that's what matters!

Elderly-esque and Thrifty in Ohio,

~hl~

Just some Things I'm workin on....

You know what?....being in a relationship after a certain point can get tricky....

See, if I were 17 and been "in a relationship" for a year...people would be asking if I would break up with MG before I left for college.....but since I'm 33 now, and in a relationship...People ask you this instead:

"soooooooooo.....when are you two getting married anyway?"

as if it's only natural that we would.  Now, let me just say that when I got divorced, I said I SWEAR, I'M NEVER GETTING MARRIED AGAIN!!!  Which then turned into...."Well if i ever DO get married again, I can say that I'm NOT changing my last name...I will stay Heather O for ever!"...which then fizzled to.."Wellllll....I don't know....maaaaaaybe I'll get married again someday"....which got even more diluted after I started thinking..."If MG and I ever got married, my initials would be HLS again....so all those Initials I wrote on my DVD collection would be accurate again!  cool."....

and damnit...what am I doing thinking like that?!  Is there a ring on my finger?  No.  Has he even given you a key to his place?  No!...so why am I letting the predictions of others influence my thought patterns?  Well it's simple...it's because when you hear it long enough, it creeps into your subconcious that maybe this is the kind of thing I SHOULD be thinking about!

Now let me just say, IF i would ever consider getting married, YES...MG is who I'd consider it with....but we're hardly ready to walk down any aisle that isn't a Walmart aisle together.  And you know...I'm ok with that.

I'm a girl who married a guy after only six weeks of knowing him....and then beat myself up for six years for being such a dummy....all while telling myself that I got myself into this mess, now damnit, I've got to stick it out and MAKE it work....which anyone who's been married knows that ONE person trying like hell does NOT work nearly as well as TWO people who love each other and work TOGETHER!  I see you nodding your head, you married people know what I mean.....

Soooooo.....Something I'm working on, is to NOT let the world get into my head....making me feel that if MG's not asking me to marry him means our relationship's not healthy, happy and right where it's supposed to be!  It's so stupid that something like this can really throw a wrench in a girl's thought process but I'd be lying if I haven't noticed it lately....and i curse the idea that MG & I have to fit into anyone's mold in order to be "normal"....

There's nothing normal ABOUT our relationship if you think about it.....The movie "He's just not that into you" (which my family and friends urged me to watch repeatedly when I first fell for MG)...says that if he's not calling..."he's just not that into you"....Justin Long's Character says over and over....you're not the exception!  you're the rule!  and the rule is, if a guy's treating you like he really don't give a shit...that's because he honeslty just really donesn't give a shit!  and to RUN!  run like hell because there's others out there, better ones....

But had I not stayed the course, had I gave up on him, I'd not have found the one person, who still gives me butterflies in my stomach with simply lighting up my phone with a text messsage....I would not of found the guy who has made me happier than I've EVER been......and well, i'm not dilusional about this relationship, he loves me too.  I mean, c'mon a guy does not take a pick axe to your basement floor the day after he gets a huge leg tattoo...and with a swollen throbbing leg, do manual labor in your basement, digging you a pit to put in a sump pump so she doesn't have to worry about her basement flooding anymore if he doesn't love her....the same guy wouldn't be caught dead at his girlfriend's birthday dinner surrounded by a houseful of clucking women.....while he prepares the entire dinner for said party, while shooing the birthday girl out of the kitchen...NOT LETTING HER HELP him.....if he didn't really love her.  I know in my heart he loves me, and he tells me AND SHOWS ME....that's all i need.  That and I MADE him promise me that no matter what....that he HAS to outlive me.  He said he couldn't swear that he would, but after some prodding, he finally gave in and promised that he wouldn't die until at least a day after me!  I just can't imagine living in a world where he doesn't.  It's just not something I EVER want to EVER even THINK about...let alone live through.   A person who falls in love, HAS to be the BRAVEST person....because nobody lives forever....and when you commit "til death do us part" to someone, that's not just a promise, it's a certainty!  We're all going to die someday....and how anyone survives losing the one person in the world they've not just loved, but lived a lifetime with....sheesh!  You have to be one effin BRAVE soul to venture into something like that.....makes me think of my Grandma....for the past 33+ years....she's lived without another love....she never remarried after my Grandpa died....I always thought it was because she was just really tough, and didn't need anyone...but maybe it's just because nobody else would do.....

I'm not so sure that I'd be different.  Without MG, honeslty...how could anyone else ever take his place?  How could anyone ever compare?

So between trying to get my head right about my future in love....I'm working on a couple other things that are going to see goofy to tack on here at the end of this rambling post...

But I'm trying to STOP leaning my chin on my hand on my desk.  I had no idea how much I did it until I tried stopping doing it.  EVERY STINKIN TIME I am thinking about something, or I stop typing...or I answer the phone and fall idle in my side of the conversation....I rest my head on my hand....which hurts my wrist AND is screwing up my jaw....I have TMJ and don't need any more assistance in having a effed up jaw as it is!  So that's freaking going to be the death of me to stop doing....

and then...the other thing i'm working on....DRINKING MORE WATER!  you'd not think that consuming 64 oz of good ole harmless water would be so trying!  I tried for six days before I actually did it!  Yesterday was my first sucessful day....I swear this cup's my nemisis!

And lastly, I'm TRYING to get back into the swing of working out....January and the first part of February, I was so dedicated, but after basement floods and getting tattooed, and whatever else happened that i use for an excuse not to work out...I've fallen off the workout wagon....so yesterday, I strapped my running shoes on and headed to the basement for some Treadmill/kickboxing/ab crunching and Shake weighting!  Heeeeeeey, don't laugh, that damn shake weight workout video really makes you feel the burn!  Don't laugh at me....so what if it's "AS SEEN ON TV"! :)

So there ya have it....things I'm working on, beating my self up over all while trying to survive the fact that Spring in NW Ohio seems to NEVER be coming!  I'm sooooooooo over winter this year that it's not even funny.  I swear most of the funk i'm in is coming from the fact that i'm seriously sunshine deficient!  I need mother nature to turn up the thermostat about 25-30 degrees...and I need it PRONTO!

Who's with me?

Well, Hopefully next time I write, I'll have made some progress to share with you....

so for now, I'll leave you with my new tattoo....

Full of Ink & tired of winter in Ohio,

~hl~

a repost....

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

It Happens.....





Ok, first of all, don't make fun of me for this, but I, well, I have a tiny crush on Justin Timberlake. Yes, I realize that as a self respecting 31 year old...that this statement makes me equal with thousands of adoring adolescent girls worldwide, but yeah....I admit it, the guy has killer dance skills, abs to die for, adorable curly hair...and a smile that could warm ANY room he presented it to. How do you not love him? I also secretly dance to his music in my underwear when I'm home alone....go ahead, judge me, i don't care!



Anyway, so while wallowing in self pity over this whole TMI fiasco of earlier this week....I started listening to some music...."What goes around comes around" by JT was one that I played for myself. I hadn't heard it in forever...and I got to thinking...."Ya know, even Justin Timberlake got dumped, cheated on and screwed over by that knitwit Brittany Spears! And now look at him, he's 100x more popular, he's got his shit together, he's amazingly talented.....not to mention, he got a killer album outta of the experience that pretty much rocketed him to super-stardom"



Then I thought about Kid Rock, dumped by Pam Anderson. Nicole Kidman.....dumped by Tom Cruise. Brad Cheated on Jennifer with Angelina....



the point is, shit happens. Super awesome people get dumped, blown off and told goodbye all the time....and I bet they sat there bewildered wondering "why me?" just like me!



I told my friend Jim last night....when he told me the classic "if so and so doesn't see what a catch you are...then it's his loss"...which frankly, i was starting to become skeptical of. I mean, if I'm such a great catch....then what's the deal? I told him I was starting to think that's just something you tell single people so they don't hurl themselves off cliffs.



I do feel better though knowing that it's not just me. So if gorgeous Justin Timberlake could be jilted and wronged...well then...I'm not in such bad company now am I?! Who hasn't loved a dumbass Brittany Spears in their lifetimes?!!

I'm a bad, bad blogger!

So Karen says to me (my dearest friend Karen)...she says, "you don't blog, because you have MG"....and she's right, there isn't much in the world I'd rather do than be around the man I love....but it's because of him that I'm here today.

See, last night was so incredible.  It wasn't a particularly noteworthy day really....I worked, and came home and MG and I were texting....and I went over to see him around 8:30-ish and while he finished the dishes I sat and told him how my dog (the bastard) chubs ate my $80.00 bead spread...covering my living room in white bedding stuffing making it look like Ohio winter was IN my living room....which REALLY, REALLY pissed me right off...lets just say chubs got MORE than a stern talking to and he's grounded!  He's spending a lot of quality time in his kennel since he can no longer be trusted to have run of the house all day anymore...but anyway, so there i was just a'bitchin about my dog, he doing dishes.....pretty uneventful.....but just nice too.....

after we watched Modern Family and some other shows on the couch....he ate some Bugles....I cracked his toes (lol...don't ask, he likes it!)....we had some laughs.....were cozy and couchbound together....again...it was just nice....

We went to bed, watched the remainder of that Grey's anatomy spin off.....turned out the lights....and spent some really good intimate time together....and he whispered something to me that well, it made me want to smile until my face exploded!  Like, I'd never heard words that ever sounded better than the ones he said.  the "I love you's" have been exchanged ....and let me tell you, i didn't think it got better than "I love you"....but this, THIS was better. 

Better:  Sort of like MG in general....after all these months that we've been official and all the months before....I never get sick of him, I NEVER find my smile fading away like the newness of our relationship....He makes me feel like every kind of girl....a giddy teenage girl in love, a lover, his best girl friend, there's been time when I felt like part of the family....I've been the damsel in distress, the person he's asked what he should do....he's kicked my ass at every competitive thing we've played....he's been my partner, he's made me his.....and then last night he goes and says what he did...and I'm amazed that for the first time, I don't feel foolish for loving someone "THIS MUCH"....so many times in a relationship....one person feels like they love more than they ARE LOVED....but for the first time in my entire life, I truly and honestly feel like I'm in love with a man who's in love the EXACT same way with me.  And while he don't say it every day...when he does, WOW!  Wow, it's like winning the lottery of love....each and every single time.

But that's not why I'm here either today....

I'm here today, because......I realized, that one of the best ways to remember, is to not forget.  Sounds simple right?!  well, it's not simple, as we grow older to always remember the things we want.....we remember useless crap that's worth about less than a nickle...but we can't remember those precious moments that we tell ourselves we NEVER want to forget.....

I told MG that last night would go down as one of my top ten favorite moments with him.....and that got me to thinking about what my top ten favorite moments actually are....I mean, i know I have them, but when i tried to write them down, it turned out that these "top ten memories" were more of a "feeling" than a story....i couldn't find the words to do them justice in describing them....which really pisses me off.

I mean, I may NEVER have a "first kiss" ever again.  I may never feel THIS way in this moment, or in that moment with another man as long as I live....and trust me when i tell you, if this is all i get, if he's the last, I have ABSOLUTELY NOT ONE SINGLE SOLITARY COMPLAINT OR REGRET!  But I don't want to forget....I don't want to forget our love....

I want to painfully remember him making me feel awkward and all those effin hoops i jumped through...I want to remember the cupcakes of sorrow, and how i stabbed myself in the stomach with a kitchen knife cutting the horrible rice crispy treats i tried to make him!

I want to remember that first kiss that knocked the purse right off my shoulder on the steps of my Jr. High School Auditorium.....and how cold it was that night, and how his lips were cold at first and then there they were, now hot on my mouth....*smiles at the thought*....

I don't know if there will come a day when I don't get giddy and excited at the very thought of MG, but if ever a day like that comes, I want to remember how we started, where we began.  Cuz if you know where you started...even if you make a wrong turn along the way, you can start over....as long as you know where to start, and the love that made you....At least that's my hope. 

So last night....after...you know.....we composed ourselves (Typical:  I looked for my panties which were MIA....got a drink of water, caught my breath, etc....) we laid there together.....in the golden colored light from his bedside lamp...he picked up his paperback novel he's been reading....and I put my headphones on and listened to my IPOD at a level I guess he could hear too.....and it was a moment of absolute peacefulness.  There wasn't a nervous energy in my body...my mind was still....my body calm....music filled the air and love was in that room.....and while I enjoyed the music....my heart was pulsing to the tune of MG's whispered words of earlier...they played over and over in my head....nothing ever sounded so sweet...i doubt anything ever will.

I've never been happier in my life....

{Dear Sweet Always Happy, Chappy}

On a sad note though, my sister Angie's dog Chappy is dying at 11 years old, he's slowly leaving us....she called me yesterday to tell me the awful news (tumor, enlarged heart, fever..it's not good)....so while I'm on Cloud 9, she's on the floor in despair over the loss of their four legged family member.  Please say a prayer for her, that she can find comfort in a time when loss is all around her.  Luv you Ang!

From the depths of Winter

in frosty February in Ohio,

Yours,

~hl~