Adulthood:

....is a strange phenomenon. One minute you are a kid, the next, you find that you get excited that hedge trimmers finally went on clearance.

Yeah, Friday, I came home to discover that my power chord blew up, blew the fuse and probably contemplated burning my house down when i was a work. So anyway, after working at EP all night, I decided to run over to Meijers to get a new one. God forbid I'd be without my computer all weekend!

So while there, I decided to run down the garden aisle to see if those hedge trimmers I'd been wanting were finally on sale. To my absolute joy, THEY WERE! 1/2 price! Yay! But I didn't stop there, I got a rake, I got my hedge trimmers AND a tree trimmer! Oh, yeah, I'm big time now....don't sass me or I'll trim your hedges right OFF Mr.!

Funny how as you grow older....the things that make you happy become simpler and simpler things. When you are a kid, all it takes is a lollipop and you are in heaven, but somewhere between your youth, and old age, you get to where NOTHING makes you happy, or very little....all the sudden simple things are complicated and pacifying your moods takes far greater things than lollipops.

Well, I'm happy to report the gap between happiness and simplicity is getting closer all the time.

ps....how could I NOT be happy, my hedges are to die for!! *winks*

Just Don't Look Down....Look straight ahead.

you know i always used to watch those crazy tightrope walkers at the circus who'd dare to take that walk without the important safety net. No elastic back up plan to catch them when they would fall....if they messed up...they were goners.

We all have safety nets in life and for the past three years, I've had a safety net in relationships. Or should I say relationshiP.

As many of you have heard me speak before about "my rainbow", that elusive man in my life who's been vaguely there for everything I've been through. He wasn't constantly THERE for me, but he was always there in the background....or should i say he was there for when i fell. Fell into his arms, fell into despair, fell in love with someone else, always falling this way or that way. *sighs*....

And two weeks ago, I decided to go it alone. To walk the walk, not just talk the talk. The safety net I thought I needed, I thought I'd loved....well, it was just a spiderweb waiting to tangle me up. It's like a seat belt that won't let you out of the car. Sure is might of saved your life in the crash, but now it won't let rescuers take you to safety.

It's kind of an odd feeling being out here knowing nothing is left to say, no apologies to be had, and no fear of remorse. If I fall flat on my face, well, I guess i'm going to fall and hit the bottom hard. The best tightrope walkers never fall, and the best people don't spend their whole life afraid to.

The Women: ( A Movie Review)

This movie sucked! I'm not going to sugar coat it for ya.

I mean, seriously, I really expected better out of this group of dynamic female actresses.

Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Crystal Allen, Debra Messing, Edie Cohen, Jada Pinkett Smith, Alex Fisher, Bette Midler, Leah Miller, Candice Bergen, Catherine Frazier, & Carrie Fisher for crying out loud! How can you have a rotten movie with that much talent signed on?

I was bored stiff.

This is the kind of movie that if you seen it in the theater, you'd debate asking for a refund.

So if you haven't already watched this....feel free to skip it.

You will not fall in love with ANY of these characters. You'll HATE Eva Mendes. Meg Ryan's trio of sidekick friends who are supposed to enrich the story are like totally empty of likability. And in a movie where you should be rooting for the success of the main character, you actually don't care enough about her to root for her. This is no "you've got mail" or "when harry met sally"....of "American President" or "Hitch"...it's crap!

The best performances I'd say were from the Housekeeper played by Cloris Leachman and the scenes with Annette Bening. Some of their screen time was alright, but this movie as a whole was a disaster.

I will say though that Meg Ryan's hair was very pretty throughout. There....I'll end this on a high note!

NEXT ----> (Tonight...Feast of Love, Staring Morgan Freeman)

Show of Hands: (Weekly Humor)

A Very Odd Side Effect:

Now I didn't read this online anywhere, and I'm not 100% on the authenticity of this next statement, but, since I quit smoking, I've been experiencing a certain unexpected side effect.... *blushes*...and I can't believe I'm about to say this..., especially here, but for crying out loud, i have to tell someone! It's driving me mad! I can't hide it anymore!

Ok, I'm just going to say it....what the hell....

*takes a deep breath*.....

um, well, the its just that, lately....I've noticed.....that, the sensitivity in my ....*blushes some more*....nipples has changed. There i said it!

I don't know if I'm just getting better circulation or something now that I'm not smoking....but dang-it, it's like walking around with two loaded guns. The wind blows just right and *ping*....they are poking around saying "what's up? What's happening? Where we going? and Is someone here?"

Dear lord, it takes everything I have to keep them in under wraps. It's exhausting.

Damn nipples...you can't take em anywhere!

If this continues, I wonder if i can't like harness their power and maybe fight crime with them, or perhaps I'll be able to predict earthquakes, other people's epileptic seizures....or just predict when it's going to rain or something?

Just when you think you know your body, just when you think "who needs and owner's manual"...something like this happens and you find yourself saying..."are you freaking kidding me?"

I suppose that as we grow older, our bodies will continue to throw us a surprise or two. Menopause, arthritis, bone loss, kidney stones, first gray hair, then hair LOSS.....At thirty I know I have a couple more good years left in me, but still, thinking about getting old, watching myself transform into a geriatric....it's almost like a joke someone is playing on you, you don't think it will ever happen to you...but one day, we'll peer out through our eyes, assuming we can still see...and we'll see what time has done to us....and I'll look back at my life and say..."I remember when my nipples were sensitive...now I can't even find them!" *laughs*

They're Here, they're here.....

Naturally I'm talking about my requested library books! What else would get me THIS excited?!

It sure as shit ain't the fact that today is DAY ONE of my weightloss goals.

I love the fact that I can bring my printed off Amazon Wish List to my local library, and like my own private book investigator's they scour a network of Ohio Libraries and they get me exactly what I want. I think that's totally Neat-O! Sure it can take up to six weeks for them to arrive from their various locations, but hey, who can't stand to have a lesson in patience every once in awhile, right? I know I could! Plus when they finally DO call you, it's like freaking Christmas! Yay, my books are IN! Well, unless you are a dull unexcitable chap who doesn't just loooove unexpected good news.

*sighs*....Patience....yeah, right now I'm learning that you have to be patient to lose weight if you don't intend on getting liposuction.

It's 12:33 p.m. and I'm running on 44o calories and that includes Dinner AND Breakfast.

I'm STARVING! *laughs*

Well, while I waste away over here.....at least I have three of my favorite Authors' new books to keep me distracted from the hunger pangs!

mmmmmmmm.....water! "It's what's for dinner!" errrr...wait, that's beef isn't it?

water...."Is it in you?"....no, that's Gatorade....(and on a side note...."Is it in you?"...I think I'd know if something was "IN ME"....pretty personal of you to ask really...)

how about this one: "Water, it's not vodka, but it's clear and Absolute-ly no calories!"

I think it's safe to say I did NOT miss my calling as a slogan writer!

Diet:

So who's got a diet plan for me?

No smoking.... = eating.

I AM eating more fruits and vegetables....eating healthier...and running every night, and STILL gained 5 lbs.

So who's got that surefire diet plan for me? Anyone? Anyone?

What has worked for you guys? What didn't?

feedback please!

Orrrrrrrr.....who's up for some serious exercise with me?

~hl~

Aquarian Sex and Randomness

This just in from AOL.....According to AOL my Sexual Style is this:

Nobody can pin these freewheeling eccentrics down. And while none of these water bearers are alike, one thing they have in common is their intellectualism. The Aquarius libido rises in relation to her mental stimulation; she's willing to try anything if it sounds interesting. Your reserved, cool-headed Aquarian lover starts slow but can be worked into a wildly passionate state -- and once she's in it, you'll be blown away. But you can never possess an elusive Aquarian entirely, as they always hold something back.

Sexually Compatible Signs: Gemini, Aries, Leo, Sagittarius

Want to know what turns me on and off? AOL says these are my hot buttons to push and NOT to push:

Turn On's: Conversation, unusual personalities, intellectual pursuits. As they have few qualms, they enjoy the span of bedroom activities from the ho-hum to the extra-pervy.

Turn-offs: If you're conventional type with neither a quirky bent nor a dark side, an Aquarian isn't going to give you the time of day. Also, don't try to fence her in: "If the Aquarian thinks you'll take away her freedom, she'll run for hills".

-------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone out there who could ever fully love an Aquarian. It's hard to love what you so often times don't understand. Hell sometimes I don't understand me, how can I expect others to?!

At least the "running for the hills" thing I always seem to do isn't totally out of character for my "freewheeling eccentric" astrological persona.

Tonight I went running....it was very humid and my lungs burned as i breathed in the thick damp air. The lightning crashed as my feet beat the sidewalk....chubs' little doggie nails were clicking along....every once in awhile he'd drag his foot and the nail would drag making a very odd scrape as we went.

I splashed through puddles left over from the storm....walked past my old apartment peering up to the lit window, wondering who now inhabited it....I cleared my head and let the rhythm of my methodical pace soothe my mind. Chubs meanwhile let his tongue hang out and pissed on everything in sight.

There's something about running for me that is so connecting, so therapeutic that I often times wonder how it is that i ever fall away from the practice. I guess since i started smoking, obviously running is more difficult, and while I DID run when i was a smoker, i guess it didn't bring me the joy, the oxygen that non-smoking running does.

It's like five weeks now that I've been a non smoker. FIVE whole weeks. I can't believe I've done it. I can't believe that I am pretty much past the point of fearing failure.

I'm reading again, running again.....and rooting out my bad habits as I go. Now all i need is to get my hair done and I'll really be a picture of improvement from just a few short weeks ago.

*sighs*....

I realize this was random, but it's been a really odd sort of day....and/or i may have ADD...so...*shrugs*...what can ya do?

Night.

Current Mood: Random
Listening To: Lightning Crashes by Live

If you haven't yet

....Seen Grand Torino, Do so immediately.

Now if you are a HUGE Clint Eastwood fan like I am, you won't be disappointed.

I know some reviewers of this movie said it was "predictable"...I found the ending to not be what I "predicted" at all.

Regardless of whether you like a movie with a bunch of twists and turns that keeps you guessing, I loved this movie for one BIG reason.....the writing. This movie has THE best dialect between characters. The back and forth, raw, gritty conversations displayed here were clever, entertaining....they were smart enough to be edgy AND funny.....honestly uncouth, yet at the same time endearing. Clint Eastwood is the master of saying something shitty, while making you love him regardless. It's masterful really.

There are very few actors that come into your life whom you love from day one and you seem to follow for a lifetime. Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman and Robert Duvall are actors whom I hold near and dear to my heart.

Favorite lines from Grand Torino (Examples of what I was saying:)

Father Janovich: Why didn't you call the police?
Walt Kowalski: Well you know, I prayed for them to come but nobody answered.

-----------------------------------------------------

Walt Kowalski: Relax, zipperhead. I'm not gonna shoot you. I'd look down too, if I was you. You know, I knew you were a dipshit the first time I ever saw you. Then I thought you were worse with women than stealing cars... Toad.
Thao Vang Lor: It's Thao.
Walt Kowalski: What?
Thao Vang Lor: It's not Toad, my name is Thao.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, well, you were blowing it with that girl who was there. Not that I give two shits about a toad like you.
Thao Vang Lor: You don't know what you're talking about.
Walt Kowalski: You're wrong, eggroll, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I may not be the most pleasant person to be around, but I got the best woman who was ever on this planet to marry me. I worked at it, it was the best thing ever happened to me. Hands down. But you, you know, you're letting Click-Clack, Ding-Dong and Charlie Chan just walk out with Miss What's-her-face. She likes you, you know? Though I don't know why!
Thao Vang Lor: Who?
Walt Kowalski: Yum Yum. You know, the girl in the purple sweater. She's been looking at you all day, stupid!
Thao Vang Lor: You mean Youa?
Walt Kowalski: Yeah... Yum Yum... yeah... nice girl... nice girl, very charming girl... I talked with her... yeah. But you, you just let her walk out right out with the Three Stooges. And you know why? 'Cause you're a big fat pussy. Well, I gotta go. Good day, pussycake.

------------------------------------------------

Walt Kowalski: Now you just gotta learn how guys talk. You just listen to the way Martin and I banter it back and forth. You OK? You're ready?
Thao Vang Lor: Sir!
Walt Kowalski: Alright let's go in...
Barber Martin: Perfect! A Polak and AND a Chink!
Walt Kowalski: How ya doing Martin, you crazy Italian prick?
Barber Martin: Walts! You cheap bastard! I should have known you'd come in, I was having such a pleasant day!
Walt Kowalski: What'd you do? You ruse some poor blind guy out of his money? Gave him the wrong change?
Barber Martin: Who's the Nip?
Walt Kowalski: Ohh... He's a pussy kid from next door. I'm trying to man him up a little bit... You see kid, now that's how guys talk to one another.
Thao Vang Lor: They do?
Barber Martin: What, you got shit on your ribs?
Walt Kowalski: Now you go out and come back in and talk to him like a man, like a REAL man. Come on! Get your ass outta here! Come on back now.
[to Martin]
Walt Kowalski: Sorry about this.
Thao Vang Lor: What's up ya old Italian prick?
Barber Martin: [pointing rifle at Thao] Get out of my shop before I blow your head off, you goddamn dick sucker! Go!
Walt Kowalski: Jezus Christ, Holy Shit! Hehe. Take it easy, take it easy!
[to Thao]
Walt Kowalski: What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind?
Thao Vang Lor: But that's what you said. That's what you said men say.
Walt Kowalski: You don't just come in and insult the man in his own shop! You just don't do that. What happens if you meet some stranger? You get the wrong one, he's gonna blow your gook head right off!
Thao Vang Lor: What should I have said then?
Barber Martin: Well... why don't you start with... eeehm... Hi or Hello...
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, just come in and say... eeeehm... Sir, I'd like a haircut if you have the time.
Barber Martin: Yeah, be polite, but don't kiss ass.
Walt Kowalski: In fact you could talk about a construction job you just came from and bitch about your girlfriend and your car.
Barber Martin: eeeehm... Son of a bitch, I just got my brakes fixed and eeehmm those son of bitches really nailed me, I mean they screwed me right in the ass!
Walt Kowalski: Yeah, don't swear AT the guy, just talk about people who are not in the room... eeeh... you could talk about your boss... eeeh... making you work extra time when there is bowling night.
Barber Martin: Right, or... eeeh... my old lady bitches for two goddamn hours about how... eeeeh... they don't take expired coupons at the grocery stores. And the minute I turn on the fucking game, she starts crying how we never talk!

---

Walt Kowalski: [Walt is trying to "man" up Thao] Now go out and talk to him, and it ain't rocket science for Christ's sake.
Thao Vang Lor: Yeah, but I don't have a job, a car, or a girlfriend.
Barber Martin: Jesus. I shoulda blown his head off when I had the chance.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah. Maybe so.

Sue Lor: All the people in this house are very traditional. Number one: never touch a Hmong person on the head. Not even a child. The Hmong people believe that the soul resides on the head, so don't do that.
Walt Kowalski: Well... Sounds dumb, but fine.
Sue Lor: Yeah, and a lot of Hmong people consider looking someone in the eye to be very rude! That's why they look away when you look at them.
Walt Kowalski: Yeah. Anything else?
Sue Lor: Yeah... some Hmong people tend to smile or grin, when they're yelled at. It's a cultural thing, it expresses embarrassment or insecurity. It's not that they're laughing at you or anything.
Walt Kowalski: Right, you people are nuts.

I had no idea that.....

reading could be such a turn on...

I recently discovered, that when a very handsome man takes the book from your hands that you lay reading while flopped on your tummy on your big bed....and then begins to read aloud, with enthusiasm and charisma, it's a million kinds of hot.

What is it about some people? Doing something as simple as reading to me....and the grip they have on your heart that you've been trying to pry off of you with a crowbar gets a little tighter....

Leave it to me to get hot for a man who knows how to read!

My standards are amazingly low I suspect.

I hope he never puts the toilet seat down.....that'd be nails in the coffin for me I fear. *winks*

Single Set-backs:

People always say that being single is so hard, people think "that poor girl"....all alone....

honestly, singleness has it's perks people. Never having to check in with someone when you are going to be late getting home from work, nobody is ever mad at you for spending the whole day fucking off shopping or watching the Oxygen channel...nope. You answer to no one.

You might say, but yeah, *skeptically* what about the holidays, and Valentines day and whatnot, aren't you terribly aware of the fact that you are all alone, nobody but you....one, uno, SINGLE!?!?!?

um, to be honest, the most inconvenient time to be single is when you are doing the dishes, as I just was, and you realize your back itches. right between the shoulder blades. You angle your arm overhead, hand dangling down as you grab your elbow with the other hand to try to maneuver your arm to get to the itchy spot. Nope, can't reach, so you try from below....feverishly trying to scratch your way up...NOPE! Still can't get it, dangit, it really itches...you start to panic, HOW do I get it????.....so you try rubbing up against the door frame, but it's not getting it through your sweater vest, so you run to your room....search....left, then right, what can i use?....what will work?...in the end, you stand in the middle of your bedroom scratching your back with a Old Navy hanger that you stuck down the back of your shirt and you say to yourself......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh......."GOT IT!!! Your breathing returns to normal....and satisfactorily resume your dish washing.

Note to my single self: Buy a back scratcher!!

To be clear, while I do, in many ways, love things pertaining to my solo status, I would never rule out the possibility that another person could bring joy/love to my life....I just got to be careful not to settle for the first guy who scratches my itch. *Laughs*....dangerous, oh so dangerous!

Another Product Review:

The McCafe Frozen Coffee....

....and this is going to be a short review....

sucks! Tastes like ass....or burnt coffee beans....and at $2.80/small cup....

Sooooooooooooo a waste of money and tortured taste buds!

BLECK!

I say: "Just say NO to this one!"

and while keeping an open mind, perhaps i got a bad one, but seriously, it's so awful, i won't risk the horrific aftertaste again to see.

If you need additional testimony, my co-worker said it was so horrible that she literally dumped it out on the street in effigy for how bad SHE thought it was.

so Two out of Two support staff consumers here at my law firm were NOT fans of this drink.

SEX AND MURDER & REJECTION

Robert Hansen, Serial killer who used to kidnap and rape prostitutes and then fly them to his cabin in Anchorage Alaska, hunt them down like wild game and murder them was notoriously rejected by women, suffered from horrible acne as a teenager and was small and sickly as a child and to top it all off had a stutter. So last week, a guy whom confesses he has not had sex in 19 years, goes and then kills three women and wounded nine others in a fitness class at a suburban health club for revenge against women for rejecting him.

What is it about rejection that makes us suicidal, homicidal and a danger to the general public? And how do we avoid it, can we, SHOULD we?

In the book "The Rules"....it talks about how women should never approach a man, talk to him first, or ask him out, because you are setting yourself up for undue rejection. IF you always let a man ask YOU out, you will always know he WANTED to, as opposed to asking a guy to meet you for drinks and he say yes just to be polite and then you never hear from him again and you wonder why, feel rejected, and wind up eating a gallon of ice cream while watching the lifetime channel.

We've all been rejected at one time or another, by a friend, a boyfriend/girlfriend or lover.....but how many times do you need to be rejected in order to begin to detest human life as a whole. Is it 15, 20, 70 that pushes you over the edge, or does it take just ONE real doozy to do to you what years of abuse has done to someone else?

The human mind/spirit is such an interesting subject of study. How people deal with hurt, frustration, helplessness and loneliness. Even worse when you are just a 46 year old sales manager or a 49 year old x-ray technician just doing a little dance aerobics at your local gym, when the lights go out, and 36 bullets aimed to take your life spray across the dance floor. You are hit, and you lie dying on the floor with other's lying hurt and or fatally wounded by your side.

That could be any one of us....I attended zumba classes at the Lima YMCA.....I've probably rejected a guy a time or two.....could I have been part of a accidental formula to create the kind of monster who commits a crime such as this? Have you?

Dating, love and whatnot is a touchy subject...and dealing in the feelings of others has never been more deadly than it is nowadays it seems. So be careful with the feelings of others. The words that you let fly that cut others like a knife, could very well come back to you in the form of a bullet someday.

Words are such a powerful thing....and how we treat our fellow humans really does have an impact on the world around us....so take care of yourself, AND treat others the way you'd want to be treated when ya can, the life you save by doing so may be your own.

Product Review Time:

Ok. So my friend Karen told me she started drinking these 5-hour energy drinks and that she really liked them.

I'm always up for trying new things, and since I'm not smoking, i must find other ways to torture myself with chemicals and whatnot, so i thought I'd give give this a shot.

So, I went to the park to read my book and eat my McDonalds Fillet O'fish, it was a gorgeous day, I was seriously saddened when I had to start making my way to my car to get back to the office before my 1/2 hour lunch break was over. I read on the way to the car, only taking my nose out of my book to look both ways as to not be squished like a bug by some speeding soccer mom trying to get their kid to practice or something.

Back at the office, I took my pretty red, yellow and blue bottle of energy out of my purse and started to study my product. First of all, it's only 2 oz. I chose the Berry flavor.

Calories: 4

Niacin: 30 mg. = 150% of daily allowance

Vitamin B6 40 mg = 2000%

Folic Acid 400 mg = 100%

Vitamin B12 500mcg = 8333% (does anyone else thing eight thousand % of anything is a bit much?)

Sodium 18mg = 1%

Warning Label: Caution: contains caffeine comparable to a cup of the leading premium coffee. Limit caffeine products to avoid nervousness, sleeplessness, and occasional rapid heartbeat. you may experience a Niacin Flush (hot feeling, skin redness) that lasts a few minutes. This is caused by increased flood flow near the skin.

I thought to myself "interesting....i wonder if I'm going to turn red?"

So, I screwed off the lid and said to my co-worker, "bottoms up!" and I drank half the bottle.

The directions say for moderate energy drink 1/2 bottle. for maximum energy drink entire bottle.

Seeing as I'm a newbie. I decided half a bottle would be more my speed.

Sip one: Taste Test: Ewwwwwww...GAG!!! Don't get the "Berry Flavor"! ick, gross! Note to self, avoid Berry Flavor at all costs.

Now, I sit and wait to see if i turn red while my co-worker Jen reads online reviews of how she fears this experiment will lead to my imminent death. Within a few minutes....*laughs*....guess who got an instant sunburn. My arms, chest, neck looked like I'd just spent hours unprotected by sunscreen in morning sun. But also as directed, it only lasted a few minutes and my skin returned to it's normal pink-tanish color.

I wonder if I should be worried that the patent is pending and this product has not been evaluated by the food and drug administration. hmmmm....

Hour 1 (12:15 p.m.): at 30 minutes in, not really feeling anything....but did turn red for a few minutes. Contemplating drinking the other 1/2 of the bottle to see if i turn red again....

Hour 2 (1:15 p.m.): - drank rest of bottle. didn't feel as peppy as I thought i was going to....*starts tapping foot for no apparent reason*

Hour 3 (2:15 p.m.): - um, yeah, 2 oz. in, and i don't feel neither tired, OR wide awake....but not jittery either. Three o'clock, concentration seems to be a little better than before. More dedicated to my work tasks.

Hour 4 (3:15 p.m.)- Still awake, have not felt a crash of any kind.

Hour 5 (4:15 p.m.): - Awake. Still. Leaving work....and as promised on the front of the bottle "Hours of energy now, no crash later"

So in conclusion. I did not fall over dead from any heart related side effect. I don't believe it caused any nerve or brain damage...however, i really thought I'd "feel it", but I didn't really "feel" anything. I was just not tired. I wasn't jacked up, but i wasn't tired either.

Very subtle these things are. The instant sunburn though was kinda cool for a minute!

Three Weeks of Not Smoking....until last night

Don't worry, I didn't start back up, I was just having a really, really awful past couple days. I cried a lot, and was feeling quite self-destructive, and I was on the verge of driving up to speedway to buy a pack of my security-blanket Marlboro Ultra Lights when I saw her there. Kami, at the front door, peering in at my tear stained face. She must of had her Redhead awareness senses dead on...she knew what i needed. Yet she fought me tooth and nail as I asked her "did you bring cigarettes?"....

I told her it was far better to contribute one cigarette to my cause, otherwise, I would buy a pack of 20 and have to smoke them all. She conceded. She gave me one Marlboro Light, and i nearly skipped to the porch with my lighter in my hand.

I smoked....nearly coughing like I was smoking my very first cigarette that i stole from my dad at age 12.

By the time the smoke was through, I was physically ill. I thought i was going to hurl right then and there on my porch swing. I felt flushed, hot, I felt slightly dizzy / motion sick.

It wasn't until about two hours into my conversation with Kami that I even remotely started to feel better.

So while Kami came to soothe my soul, to do that one thing she knew would save me, venting, she also saved me from wanting to smoke again....because honestly, feeling like puking isn't something you want to feel when your already in an emotional crisis.

I'm glad to report though, that I got a lot of stuff off my chest last night, that I guess i just needed to say out loud...Kami listened, sympathized, and made sense of all those random thoughts by helping me put them in logical order. I think the crying phase is over.....

She told me that every day is a fresh start. A new beginning. And why can't today be just that?

So, I'm going with it. A new day, a new chance for anything to happen....*breathes deeply*...why not?!

Thanks Kami!

~hl~

This probably won't make much sense....but anyway....

*sighs*.....there's a line in a movie....I think Julia Roberts say it, yeah...it's in "Something to talk about"...another favorite of mine, where she said "I just don't have the time, to have the nervous breakdown I deserve!"

I feel like that. I can't miss work, cuz i can't afford to. I can't afford to fall apart, because there's nobody there to put me back together again. My dog chubs just doesn't have the know how.

and this is just stupid, I'm all choked up over a guy who didn't even have the heart to tell me "Heather, you aren't a booty call to me!"...that's all he had to say. but instead, i get "i hope you find what you are looking for, you deserve it"...he might as well spit on me. and kicked me in the shin.

on top of that, after nearly three years of friendship/other, I broke up (i use that term loosely) with my rainbow, and i asked him if he was upset with me about the e-mails I sent him doing just that, telling him to focus on his new relationship and to forget about me....he said "no" and I said "promise? I'm not blowing you off you know..."

and he said "ok"

so i said, "one word replies aren't very promising mr.! :) "

then he didn't reply, so i said "oh, nice, silence is waaay better :) fine. be that way. *Sticks tongue out at you and crinkles nose*" (as i was trying to remain friendly)

and he said back "you're not looking for promising"

and I said back "that's where you are wrong. i am."

and all of this is making me angry. Wtf does he want from me. One minute he wants me, the next he doesn't, i don't hear from him one minute, the next he's calling me out of nowhere telling me he can't stop thinking about me....I mean, WHAT THE F*ck! Is he a mental patient? AM I?! I mean, isn't it my right to STOP seeing someone at any given time? I've not made any commitment to him, unless you count the hundreds of times I overlooked less than impressive behavior so that we could remain in each other's lives....so I don't get it, he's mad at me, and you know what, I SHOULD BE MAD AT HIM! *shakes head*....in what effed up alternate universe is THIS the norm?!

I wanted to tell him, "Dear sir, you've conditioned me over the years to spend time with you, to enjoy you superficially. To not establish emotional ties. You've single-handedly taught me how to NOT LOVE YOU! And now, now that I've finally emotionally cut the ties, you are upset with me for being the person you taught me to be. I played by your rules, I've let go when I wanted to hold on, I've detached when I had loved you wholeheartedly, and now I'm running from this sinking ship of a non-definable relationship of oddity....and there you are, standing on the bow of that ship angry with me for putting myself first. I'm not selfish, I'm exactly the way you wanted me...I'm a reflection now of you, the you who didn't love me, the you who doesn't really love anyone. Don't hate me for playing into your hand, for a puppeteer cannot blame his marionette when it is him who is the one pulling the strings. I'm sorry, i don't want to play this game anymore. I'm sorry I ever let you have that control over me, and I'm sorry, but I'm taking my ball, and I'm going home. You'll always be a rainbow, just void of any rewarding pot of gold. Goodbye.


~hl~

Where are my Readers at?

So me and my Aunt were talking the other day, discussing the latest books we've read, books we are GOING to read, etc...and started to discuss the possibility of starting a book club. Now i'm not exactly sure how a book club works entirely, as I've never been a part of one, but I'm considering putting one together.

Anybody interested?

Where my readers at?