In Other News:

Heather's a retard!

Yeah, you read that right....REEH-TARD! Should you need me to sound it out for you.

Listen to what I did....this one's a doozy.

So there I was Friday night, chatting it up with Justin on the phone. He's had a few drinks in him, which i kind of enjoy because he's super chatty when he's been drinking....

So we're chatting, things are going well, we covered some serious issue bases, we laughed and joked about fun things (ie: my family, funny stories, sex) flirted some...all is going great.

THREE times...yes THREE times during the conversation, I nearly accidentally tell him I love him, only to slap myself, and then ask myself "HEATHER WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING????!!!!????"

While discussing him possibly moving to Delphos someday, I ALMOST say, "well there's someone in Delphos who loves you"....with a quick stop short, pause and regroup, I come back with "Someone in Delphos would LOVE for you to move here.."...Whew close one! Good recovery Heather, a quick pat on the back and the conversation moves onward...

Then in a serious moment, he totally blindsides me and HE says it. He tells me he loves me. Great right? Yeah, I mean, I was speechless for a minute, and for those of you who know me, you know I'm RARELY speechless. So instead of being a good girlfriend and saying.."I love you too baby", like I wanted to say to him, I freeze up and say... "how do you know?" And friends, let me tell you, when a man says he loves you, it is NOT good to follow that with "how do you know?" I might as well said the infamous "Thank you" afte he said it and then castrated him just for kicks to make sure I really did the job..

Anyway, so he feels awkward because i didn't say it back, and I tell him, it's not that i don't WANT to say it back, it's just that I don't like to have these kind of big moments of my life on the telephone. My sister Angie says I'm an idiot, and shouldn't try and make moments be when i want them, and i should take them as they come...but seriously, if i say "i love you" for the first time to someone, i want it to be when I'm WITH them, when i can see their face, touch them, taste them, feel them....it just wouldn't be as meaningful to me to say it over the phone....or under the influence of alcohol. So....I tried to explain myself, but I think I may have really set us back in the "love department" here.

Anyway....so the conversation is recovered, we talk longer, say goodnight...all is well.

Next day, Breakfast with my mother and grandmother at Baked to Perfection, followed by visiting with my mother, grandmother and Aunt Diane at my grandmother's house. Justin calls, I say "Hi babe!"...we chat a bit, he asks what I'm doing, i tell him I'm visiting, but will be leaving in just a few moments...and ask him if i can call him back when i get in the car, he says "Ok"..and I say....and get this....I say "love you!"...as naturally as if I'd said it to him a million times before. He pauses...and says "I love you too, talk to you in a little bit, bye"...

FUCK! How on earth did I manage to do THAT!?!?!?!?! I wanted it to be special, I wanted it to be in person, and I fuck it all up and say it as simply as saying "hello" or "goodbye"....

*sighs*...now I've went and done it haven't I?

Could I BE any clumsier in love?

Is it possible that i could fuck this whole love business up anymore than i already have?

Stay tuned, for if anybody can, Oh, my friends, it will be ME!

Say it with me.......REEEEEH-TAAAAARDED!

Someone shoot me...!!

The New Job....Extra, Extra Read all about "Heather the Inserter!"

So, in an effort not to find myself homeless this holiday season, I scoured my options in finding ANOTHER part time job. You all know I HATED the video store job, so I wanted to choose more wisely this time. Kami suggested I apply for the train conductor job at the mall right next to the Santa shop outside of Macy’s…and I considered it. I mean, i have tons of ride-giving experience, camel rides, pony rides, I was a horse guide at my parents' stable growing up....I've even rode a llama once....so I was pretty sure I could push a button to make the little train go round and round....But what I finally applied for was a job at Eagle Print in Delphos as an inserter.

It had flexible hours, it was close to home, and it was perfect in the regards that I won’t have to run into my dad at this job. See if I’d of applied at the gas station, or the carryout, or a restaurant, chances are, he’d eventually find out I work there and then I’d HAVE to see him, as he’d make it a point to come around. That’s how he is.

So anyway, getting a job that would tuck me away from the public was a definite bonus to the job.

So Thursday I turned in my application, and by Friday at 5:25 p.m. I was reporting to my first night at work. Kevin (Kami’s Husband) was there to meet me and show me where to sign in and stuff. Then he delivered me to Deb, who was kinda “in charge”…well at least of me she was. She showed me what to do, and I rolled up my sleeves and began the task of putting section B, into Section A of “The Early Bird” newspaper and so it went. Insert, count out 25, shuffle and straighten, turn and do it again, once in a stack of 50 (a turn) walk them over, put them on a pallet and begin again. Easy right?!

Right. The first few hours weren’t bad, I just worked away, minding my own business, occasionally chatting with the lady on my table, but mostly, it was easy to get lost in your own thoughts….I kept my head down, did my work and tried not to notice all that was going on around me. Like my table-mate’s son coming in the two of them exchanging explicits, hands thrown in the air, angry glares, finished with my tablemate getting money out of her purse, handing it to her son, and then watching him disappear into the equipment and gone. I didn’t know at the time if it was her son, lover, boyfriend or husband until later when she told me.

We started off with like 10 inserters, but then one guy left for lunch and didn’t come back, another girl wasn’t feeling well and she took off, said her legs hurt, while yet another said she FORGOT that her husband had to work and she had to go home to take care of the baby, and that girl’s tablemate then had to go to give the other girl a ride home…and then there were six of us, one by one, they all dropped out and left me, Deb, Boyd, Dave, the redheaded curly haired girl and Lance.

We busted our asses and got it done, but towards the end of the night, your hands are black as black can be, your legs and back and shoulders are all starting to tighten and hurt, and your eyes and your nose burn from the black ink that’s in the air. I have proof it exists as I blew black stuff outta my nose that night when I got home. Ewwwww.....gross!

So, I worked 5 hours, I make $7.10/hr at my new found part time gig, but the stories alone I’ll get from this job will be worth it I think. As I work with a rather interesting group of individuals. Nice, but interesting. I don’t work again for awhile since I’m going out of town to see Justin and my family up in Wisconsin, but I’m sure there will be more to tell you upon my return to being “Heather The Inserter”.

I just did the math, at $35.50 / week, I should be able to afford the house I want to buy on 1st street in approximately 159.62 years. Which will make me 189.62 years old. Awesome huh?! Well, it's good to have goals....my new goal being figuring out a way to live to be 189 years old. *laughs*

If I don’t write again before, hope you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving. Eat well, Laugh and enjoy the time with your loved ones. Oh, and if you go out on “Black Friday”….Good Luck and may God have mercy on your soul. *smiles*

~hl~

I'll leave you with some colorful quotes from my new co-workers:

"Did you say you had weed?"

"So, uh, you gotta a boyfriend errr what?"

"God I need a drink!"

Them: "So you going to the bar with us after this?"

Me: "uh no, i think I'm going to get something to eat and head home."

Them: "Home to your boooooooyfriend?"

Me: "No, he's not home"

Them: "You probably aren't old enough to drink anyway!" "How old are you?

Me: "Thirty"

Them: "NO WAY! I thought you were like 19-20!"

Me: "*laughs*....I'm 30, I promise."

Them: Raised Eyebrow and a long..."Hmmmmmm"

"My sixteen year old daughter is a fucking bitch!"

" I didn't tell her to give up her bastard baby, I mean, i Love my grandson...I just said if you aren't going to get up and take care of him, then give him to someone who WILL!"

"That's my stalker, his name's ___________, but he's ok, he's a fruitcake, but he's ok."

and last but not least....my all time favorite:

"Do you think it's fucked up that people get me gift certificates to the bar?"

Ex Husbands and New Boyfriends....and one big sister's comment:

So while I’m supposed be waiting until Thanksgiving to see my new boyfriend, I couldn’t do it! I missed him, so in a romantic gesture last weekend, I drove the 8 hours to my sister’s to see him. I know, I know…it was a crazy thing to do, but that’s just me for ya, I go with my emotions, my heart said do it…and my heart a lot of times trumps my brain, and while some people think it’s dumb (people like my mother), some people find it to be romantic (people like my bf). Then there are OTHER people (ehhmmm..KAMI) who think it’s my libido that drives me…but I got to tell you, it’s the “nook” not the “nookie” that I love so much. You know that spot where a man’s neck slopes into shoulder & chest, and they pull you close and you rest your head and face there. You smell them, you feel them breathing, and you fit as if you were made to lay RIGHT there. Yeah, I’m slightly addicted. But anyway..back to the trip…I got there around 1:30 a.m. Saturday morning.

You should of seen his face when I woke him up, sitting there in the dark…I shook him a bit and said to him, “hey, what are you doing?” He just stared at me FOREVER…for a minute I wondered if he had amnesia and forgot who I was or something, but eventually, a huge smile appeared upon his face and he said to me “you crazy girl, what are you doing here?”…I say to him “Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I’d swing by and say hi…so, HI!...I’ll be going now” and I tried to get up to leave and he threw his arms around me and pulled me right down next to him and he nestled into my hair and held me tight.

He was so surprised, and all weekend long, he just smiled every time he saw me. It’s an odd realization when you get to physically see that you make someone happy. I was like, WOW, I drove 8 hours to see him, and he acts like HE just won the lottery. *laughs*…

So anyway, my sister, (whom I love and adore btw) says to me, “Don’t you think maybe you are getting involved with someone a lot like your ex-husband?” And I’ll be honest, I was immediately like…(in my mind)…SHUT UP!! *laughs*…because NOBODY wants to think that they are marrying someone just like their dad, errr…uh, well at least not MY dad, and the only thing worse than that is starting to date someone who reminds you of your ex-husband.

But here’s the thing. I married Keith for a reason. It wasn’t an accident. I didn’t enter into “til death do we part” with someone I didn’t think was worthy of my love, worthy of sharing my life with. Keith was a great guy when I met him. He was kind and giving and he sure liked me…he was fun and active and he was someone I saw myself despite all odds falling head over heels for. And I was too. We had a whirlwind romance because we both fell really hard, really fast.

Well, anyway, “Justin” may have similarities to my ex, but upon review of what Angie said, the thing is, If Keith had loved me, pulled me into his arms when I needed it, held my hand when I felt weak…if he’d of invested even an ounce of what he invested in his hunting and fishing, if he’d of invested that kind of love and devotion to ME, to US, we’d still be together. Sure he did some bonehead things…some REALLY bonehead things that I’d get so pissed about, but the God’s honest truth is, when you love someone, really love them, you can hate their action, but still love them come the end of the day. You can want to kill them one minute, and then see them trip on the top step, laugh your ass off, and then run out to see if they are ok.

Now, do I love “Justin”?…heck I don’t know, this is all still really new. I can tell you that I “LOVE” being with him. I love how he makes me smile and how I have the same effect on him…I love that he calls when he says he will, and he’s so optimistic that things will work out, even though the odds are really stacked against us. I love that he calls me “Baby” and is counting down the days until he sees me again, like a kid counting down to Christmas. It’s really kind of adorable. Shhhhhhh…don’t tell him I called him adorable!

So for any of you out there who think that perhaps I’m trying to find another Keith…well, you all loved Keith when I was married to him, rememberrrrrr? If Justin’s like Keith, well, that’s not the worst thing you could say about him, let’s just hope that Justin, like Keith, just doesn’t wake up and realize that I’m not worth the effort anymore.

Just because some days I want to knock Keith’s perfectly new white teeth outta his head, the very teeth he refused to get fixed while “I” was married to him, it doesn’t mean I hate him. *laughs*…I don’t. He’s a good dude all in all, he just let some of his newly acquired bad qualities, outshine his good ones. It happens.

Nuff about Keith…he is my past, and I’m looking to the future, the future of new and exciting craziness, grand romantic gestures, and the spark of a new relationship.

The holidays are coming, and this year, I’ll be making memories with someone new. And that’s worth writing about.

~hl~

ps - On a side note, do you think it's going to be awkward that my ex-husband is going to stay at my sister's house to go deer hunting and my new boyfriend is ALSO there staying at my sisters while he is remodling their garage into living space? So the two of them are going to be co-existing under the same roof for a bit. Only in my world do my old loves and new loves overlap quite like this. Good Luck Justin! Be good!

Lunch Conversation of Love:

Yesterday, My ex-boss took me out for lunch, as he often times likes to do. See he is a widower and after his wife passed, he hit the dating scene for the first time in years….so, as a newly single man, he had a lot of stuff going on, so who better to tell his exploits to than his single, no-longer employed by him administrative assistant.

He’s since recently re-married and now the only stories he has to tell me are of his wife joining weight watchers and how he’s going to support her efforts and eat the healthful snacks she’s stocking the shelves with, and the crazy tales of his newly inherited kids.

Oh, sure, it’s still interesting conversation whenever I get to catch up with him…..but now the topic has turned from dating, from looking for love, to what to do when you’ve found it. He’s found it, and yesterday over lunch, he asked me if I had.

See last time we met for lunch, I wasn’t dating much, had really wished to swear the whole thing off really, but he encouraged me to get out there, and try some dudes out. *laughs*…his words, not mine. I think he threw the “dudes” in there for my benefit…but anyway….so, this time, on this lunch outing, it was a rarity for me to actually have some news to report. The news being that I’ve met someone.

I’ve mentioned him a bit in previous posts, loving referred to him as “Justin”…which he will continue to be as it’s still my duty to protect the innocent. So I tell him the story of Justin and I, how I’ve known him forever, how this year, things just clicked and we became a lot more to one another than we had been in all the years before combined…and being as my ex-boss himself just recently said “I DO”…words that chill me to the bone normally, I asked him “How do you know if someone’s the infamous ONE?”…and he says to me, “How do you EVER know if someone’s the one?”

I said, “you are brave, to have that kind of optimism about love and marriage.” I used to have that, I dove in head first with Keith and well, the results weren’t nearly as optimistic as my hopes once were going into it. My ex-boss has been married three times before his current wife. Two ending in divorce and each producing lovely children, while the third, he was the happiest with, and he lost her to Cancer. A wonderful, WONDERFUL woman she was. So to lose the love of his life, and then to take another stab at love, for the 4th time…well, it’s just kind of amazing to me.

So I thought about it, and I thought some more…and here’s what popped in my brain…..Maybe you don’t ever REALLY know, but I think the best way to judge, FOR ME, is that if someone comes along that makes me WANT to take that extra step, and fearlessly allow myself to fall for them, then I think it’s because somewhere in me, I know it’s ok to fall, because that person will be there to catch me. I’m not going to fall and crack my head open on a slab of concrete….I’m not going to fall and impale myself on a bed of nails, I’m falling into something warm, something loving, something that is the very thing that all humans need, and that’s a REAL connection to another.

So, am I falling you might ask?....Ummmmm…..*smiles*….I might be. There’s a lot to consider in matters such as these, you have to strip away those butterflies in the stomach, try to see through that initial love haze that makes you feel like you are walking on air….and then try to do what women sometimes have a difficult time with, and that’s to logically see if this is doable. *laughs*…but what’s logical about love anyway? How can you make sense out of something that sometimes doesn’t make any sense at all? For example, why did I spend the majority of my life never seeing Justin as anything other than a friend, and then one day, WHAM like someone wacked me on the head, he looked different, all shiny and new? Does that make any sense? What’s LOGICAL about THAT?

Poor Justin, he’s such a trooper, I tried like hell to keep him out. I acted indifferent, I pushed him away when he tried to get closer, but all he had to do was wrap those arms around me, hold me tight while nestling his face in my hair and I totally melted. I don’t know how he did it, I don’t know why he picked me, but damnit he’s got me hooked. HOOKED I tell you.

So….that’s the scoop. I’m not in over my head in love, but I am knee deep in it I think. And while I should be scared to death, funny thing is, I’m not. There you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth…errr….fingertips I guess in this case.

Wish me luck!

~hl~

Tick Tock goes the clock....

and I sit and wait. Wait for the rent to own company to come and take back my roommate's television.

It's a sad sad thing to have to say goodbye to a big screen TV, to go back to people on screen being smaller than me, goodbye to high definition heaven....where for the first time watching "Footloose" I actually got to see the pores in Kevin Bacon's face...man, sure am going to miss the ole thing.

So, yeah, first goes the television, and it won't be long and gone will be the roof over my head, and yes, that's exactly what is GOING to happen, i don't know when, I don't know how it'll all go down, but I'm thinking it's not going to be pretty. It's going to look like a going out of business sale around here.

Living this way is kind of like walking around, waiting for that inevitable anvil to drop from the heavens and conk you on the head as it flattens you into a pancake like in the cartoons.

I have to tell you, I'm not a big fan.

I wonder if the TV repo guys are going to look at me like I'm a destitute...like it's MY fault the TV has to go. When in reality, i have nothing to do with this.....this was a sinking ship long before i got on board.

Sure do miss my old apartment right about now...wonder what the odds are that i can get that place back? Maybe Garrett won't want to re-up his six month lease....and I can call ole Mr. Lee my old landlord and beg that he take me back. Oh, i miss my little tiny loft across from the quaint little church where the school buses wake me up every morning and the fucking snow plow guy plows me into a drift.

First goes the big screen, then the power gets shut off....next me and chubs are living in a cardboard box behind the Topp Chalet. Will you guys come visit me there? I will get one of those big metal barrels to burn news papers in to keep you warm, and will even dumpster dive for scraps and everything....please, pretty please....say you'll visit.

Oh, alright, better go, the repo man will be here momentarily, i must tidy up.....

my life is a wreck, but it doesn't mean my appearance has to be.

~hl~

The only way to have a friend is to be one. ~~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This week I’ve really had a lot of dealings in the matter of Friendship.

I found out one of my new friends lied to me about something. Which is really disappointing, when you find yourself on receiving side of a lie. And all the while, you know, there was no need for the lie in the first place. There was nothing to gain by it, there was only everything to lose....and that's a damn shame.

Then…..While having a chat with a friend of mine last night, I got to thinking more about relationships. And while I had earlier in the week lost faith in friendship a little….I got to thinking about it again but in a better light last night.

My friend says to me: “I’m not too good at interpersonal relationships”

And since this particular friend is someone I have known for years, this didn’t come as a news flash to me…

I laughed and said: “Reeeeeally? Wow, I had no idea! You really snuck that one up on me!”

He seemed amused by the sarcasm, we both enjoyed a moment, shared a smile and the conversation moved on to another topic….

But on my way to work today, I was thinking about what he said. “I’m not good at interpersonal relationships”….and well, while I’m good at friendships, and NOT romantic attachment....he sometimes struggles to be a “typical friend”….well, I think he struggles being a typical friend TO ME. Which is disappointing that after all these years, we still are like bulls in friendship’s china shop….we can’t be this relationship-un-friendly. Can we?

Anyway, so I started thinking that just because you aren’t good at interpersonal relationships, doesn’t mean you can’t BECOME good at it. Right?

I think there are three things you need to have a relationship with someone, when you are the kind of person that sucks at it.

#1 – Faith.

You must first have faith in yourself that you can do it, faith that, that feeling of closeness with another human being has its purpose and reward in your life and lastly faith in the person you want the relationship/friendship with that they are worth the added effort.

#2 – Trust

You have to trust that the person you just moments ago were having faith in, will forgive you when you screw up, because you WILL at first….and in the middle, and sometimes after years of practice. Nobody’s perfect. You have to trust that this person was put in your life for a reason. And you’ll know this when the moment is right….people of value have a way of making you feel warm and comfortable and loved, even when you have your guard up.

#3 – Hope

You finally have to have hope. Hope that you are forgiven when you ask, are loved when you need it and can’t ask and you hope like hell, that someday, when it’s all said and done, you can look back and see that you were a friend to another living creature.

Friendship is a miracle really. We could go through this life on our own. Lone wolfs. Isolated and self sufficient….but why? To do so would be like to have eyes that you never open, never use to see….and walk blindly in the darkness….when all you had to do was open your eyes…..and open yourself up to all that you’d been missing.

So in the spirit of friendship I leave you with some quotes:

Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget. G. Randolfa

What is a friend? I will tell you it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself. Frank Crane

But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. Mohammed Ali

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, for in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed. Kahlil Gibran

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway. Fr. Jerome Cummings

In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends. John Churton Collins

Maybe it's in the water or something.....

Have you ever found yourself looking at something, and you see it, it's there, but then after looking a bit longer, with more inspection, you realize that it's not what you thought it was at all?

Now compound the fact that you've looked at it for years, upon years.....you naturally feel that there's no way, that after years of inspection that this subject could be anything different than what it has embodied all this time....RIGHT?

So here's the thing....

There I am, working In Chicago, minding my own pony riding business.....and the strangest thing happens. I had my eyes opened to something....and it was odd and unexpected but fulfilling and seemingly meaningful.

It started when we first linked arms that first night I arrived in the "Windy City" on September 26th.....and we strolled arm in arm as we took a tour of the newly set up zoo guided only by the faint light of my cell phone. I was like...hmmmm....man i missed him. Haven't seen the guy in 4-5 years! Then there was the spooning that one night, him on top the covers, and me under them. He thought i was sleeping, but I felt him smell my hair and kiss my shoulder....and I again thought...hmmmmmmm?

Then there was the attentiveness, always being greeted with a smile, a hug, a wink or a wave....when I hurt my leg, he popped in the camper to check on me, let me have a bite of his dinner when i was starving, and gave me his coat when i was cold. And at the end of the night, when I went to the hotel to retire for the evening, he was there as well, remote in hand locating a good movie for us to fall asleep to.

Gone was the died yellow Mohawk of yesteryear, gone were the glasses he used to wear....now he appeared taller, hair darker, he was now ruggedly handsome...imperfect, smelling of skunk at times, yet lovable.

There's something about working at Goebberts that allows strange things to happen. I often wonder if there isn't something in the water....something that opens your eyes and closes off the rest of the world at the same time. You are far from home, and the rest of the world seems light years away. Gone are your reservations, gone are your troubles....fuck you are too tired to even TRY and THINK after a day on the farm working.....the only thing that exists is this place and the only people who exist are those who make you smile after the most atrocious day of every kind of torture imaginable. Emotionally, physically and wholeheartedly exhausted is how each day leaves you....you let your guard down, and find yourself taking comfort in that which you might not of otherwise.

Anyway, so I'm done working now....time to settle back into the old routine of Ohio life, and yet strangely I find that I miss him. Even his loud ass snoring, which he denies that he does by the way....and his talking in his sleep, which oddly, he DOES admit to.

For the first time in a really long time, I found a pull to something that could be something. I tried to run him off once....did the whole, "I'm no good for you", "you should stay away from me"....bit, but that didn't work....I told him maybe we were just destined to be friends, I mean, it wouldn't of, couldn't of worked anyway....and yet, that didn't work necessarily either. If he plays his cards right and doesn't pressure me, or make me feel like running scared in the opposite direction....*sighs*....I can't tell you I know where this will end. *gulp*

Do you have any idea how freaking HUGE that is for me to be writing right now? I mean Seriously?!?!?!

In the Movie Jerry McGuire, Renee Zellweger says: "Shut up, you had me at Hello."...well, that's something I'd never say....this late in my life, after all the broken hearts and bruised buttocks from my many romantic falls on it....nobody gets my heart, gets me from Hello. It's generally, a Hello, maybe a few good times, a great start....then I get scared and throw out a big old BOLD GOODBYE before anything gets serious. Heather doesn't like serious....Heather can't commit...not because she wants to fuck everything in sight, but because she just can't get involved emotionally past a certain point. Heather doesn't....well, I don't trust anyone enough to let them get too close to me.

But i think there's a loophole....what if I already know the person, already trust them, already am friends with said person....and what if, you can't scare away a person who's been around for 15+ years already, who knows you even though, there's still a million things they DON'T know about you? What if you didn't have to take down the wall you built up for them, because they were already on the other side before you built it?

Granted this is all hypothetical....and like all my other bullshit stories, this one very well might NOT end happily ever skippity-do-dah after....but it's a true story....one that's not finished being written....and well, as much as I'd like to tell you how it ends....I don't know this time.