C'mon Amazon!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's been 23 excrutiatingly painful days for me!

See I ordered Brothers & Sisters Season III on DVD and it's still not here!

*stomps foot*

This is crap, crap i tell you!

C'mon already, send me my stuff....I need it, I MEAN I NEED SOME COMFORT TELEVISION!!!

Grey's anatomy's season premier was both off kilter AND depressing...

I need the "Walker's"....my adopted television family to ease my suffering!

So please, gods of the United States Postal Service, I beg of you, send me my package as fast as your leather clad feet will allow!

~hl~

Oh Crap!

Date just texted.... he's coming early! I thought I had until seven to clean the dishes, hide my unpacked luggage, spray the appropriate home fragrance etc..... clear the counter of my hair products and make up....

but now....

well shoot... I'm going to have to clean FAST when I get home from work!

I at least need the appearance of tidiness!

~hl~

Boundaries:

I'm sorry what? Boundaries? What the heck are those?

I am horrible when it comes to boundaries as many of you know. I like to "wing it"...I like to go where the wind blows me....I don't want to plan things out....especially on a date. I don't want to be rigid and set rules...and I'm even worse at following rules...so even if i set some, "I" would surely be the one breaking them in record time.

All while growing up, it was nothing but strict, strict, rules, rules, rules. You can't do this, you can't do that, you can't see him, you can't go there! So as an adult, I tend to go where i want, do what i want, and never restrain myself from doing things that at the time I feel like doing.

It's those pesky regrets after that tend to get me. Cause I DO know better....I know that maybe I "shouldn't" do this, or I "better not" do that....but sometimes the things you find yourself doing are sinfully sweet at the time and totally regrettable later. It also doesn't help that I've gotten really good at shrugging my shoulders and saying 'what's done is done'....I beat myself up for a minute or ten, and then i just write it off as this dumb thing I did one time.

I'm not so sure being free-spirited is helping me in the dating world though however. I tend to be TOO free. *laughs*

So anyway, the point is, I have a date tonight, and I am seeing someone whom I've done something with I've not done in a million years, or maybe ever.....I set boundaries. Oh, and I'm going out with "smokey" as i lovingly referred to him before, so no judgment...and if i wind up married to him or something, lets forget I ever called him this, ok? OK! *laughs*

I've not seen this guy since our infamous first date back in July....so there's a lot of build up leading into this second date.....that I honestly had no idea I'd even be going on, BUT.....this guy is nice, and he's smart in a really quiet way....like you don't KNOW he's smart, he just kind of slides it in here and there....his smartness that is...get your mind outta the gutter!

Anyway, I have no idea if this is something, or nothing....but with boundaries in place....lines drawn, I think I will be much better equipped to have the clear head I need to figure out IF he's someone I want in my life in a bigger way than a text here and there.

Cutting out sexual intimacy with someone I think will definitely help me not get confused....I won't get lost in the sex haze...or develop feelings because I feel close with someone....when really, emotionally, I'm not closer than when i started....I just THINK I feel things, that aren't really real. Orgasms sure can make you stupid sometimes!

Sooooooo.....I'm going to try this whole boundaries thing out. I'm going to spend time with a guy, with no bonus round at the end of the night, no motive for more....just spending time with someone. You wouldn't think this would be a new concept for me at Thirty-one, but to be honest, it kinda is....it's been awhile since I felt brave enough to attempt "getting to know someone"....

I've spent too much time chasing rainbows and being read to by hot guys who are so non-committal that they are the Antichrist of relationship material. Too caught up in being lost in a moment, or a feeling to ever look more than five minutes ahead....and it's not like I'm running to meet someone so I can get married or anything, but I really am just done with the whole "no strings attached" casual trysts that I've been partaking in. And it's not because I'm mad at these men for not being more to me, but mad at myself for allowing myself to be less.

I don't want to be less anymore.

So....into boundaries I delve.

~hl~

Today my FaceBook Said:

Heather Lynn just got an e-mail entitled "satisfy any woman"....which i thought might be good to know how to do..I mean, I'm a woman, I like to be satisfied.....plus, I'm always up for learning new things to share with my guy friends for their lady friends, however, as it turns out....Viagra and penile enlargement isn't what i had in mind......*sighs*

23 Flavors?

I don’t drink a lot of soda, but since I quit smoking and no longer get my jump start from nicotine, I now rely a lot on caffeine. So while working in Chicago….driving to and fro, I need a little help staying awake during the 4.5 hour drive late on Friday night and again late on Sunday.

This weekend, I got myself a Dr. Pepper to accompany me through my travels….and I thought about its advertised 23 flavors. Now I don’t know why I need TWENTY THREE different flavors in a soda exactly….I mean, c’mon….Mt. Dew doesn’t keep it’s flavors in a shroud of mystery…it’s LEMON-LIME….if you have Diet Coke with Lime. Or Vanilla Coke, Cherry 7-up…..etc. So what’s the deal Dr. Pepper….23 flavors? In one little can? How do you DO IT!!!!????!!!!

Dr. Dre does a commercial that says to trust him, he’s a Dr. and we need to drink Dr. Pepper slowly and savor all the flavor….so I did, I swished it around like I was taught while doing wine tasting at a winery in Vermont last year….and I began to try to identify what it was I was tasting.

I have no idea why I need the sophistication of a fine wine in the form of a soda…but whatever….

I got vanilla right away….but beyond that, I was fairly uncertain….

Maybe you guys try, see if you do better than I did. And Tomato? Seriously? Tomato? Never would of gotten that one!

Here ya go, the supposed 23 flavor secrets of the Dr.:

1. Amaretto
2. Almond
3. Blackberry
4. Black Licorice
5. Carrot
6. Clove
7. Cherry
8. Caramel
9. Cola
10. Ginger
11. Juniper
12. Lemon
13. Molasses
14. Nutmeg
15. Orange
16. Prune
17. Plum
18. Pepper
19. Root Beer
20. Rum
21. Raspberry
22. Tomato
23. Vanilla

Truth. Just add Alcohol?

Last night on my way home from Chicago, I text messaged this guy who I’ve been spending some time with on and off…..see he told that Rain-x sucked and that he didn’t like it, I used it anyway, and it totally screwed up my windshield making it nearly impossible to see on my way TO Chicago, so on my way home I say to him via text “You were right, Rain-x Sucks!”

He says back “told ya! How are you?” Which turned into a texting session…to which I very quickly realized that I was the only sober one.

Anyway, the conversation was like talking to horny Jekyll, and romantic Hyde.

One would say “I want to lick your…..”

The next would say, “you’re so sweet, I miss you!”

It was tough to keep up with the subject changes and the sexual explicits….one minute it was sweet and caring, the next ex-rated with a CAPITAL “X” x3.

I’m not a expert by any means, but I did live with and was engaged to an alcoholic for two years, so I do know that most men have two drunken personalities….

#1 – Baby, I love you, you mean every thing to me….I just want to kiss your entire body…..You are the best woman…..I Love you….let me take you to bed and do things to you that would make the neighbors blush…..

#2 – “What the fuck you looking at Motherfucker?!”

These are the two my alcoholic ex demonstrated on a regular basis….I’ve witnessed other people’s…..which are some variation of one of these…..but generally, it’s my experience you either are LOVING….or HATING…..HAVING SEX OR FIGHTING.

So the saying that the truth comes out when you are under the influence….I’m not quite sure I believe this. Do you?

I think back to the times I’ve been drunk in my life…..and I think about the things I might say or do…..alcohol DOES serve as liquid courage for me, I may sing Karaoke when I normally never would….I might even dance, but generally, I don’t tell people things I wouldn’t normally tell them. I don’t drunk dial old flames and tell them I want them back….hell, I’ve done that stone sober before…..

The point is, when I’m drunk, I may make out with someone inappropriate, I may dance on the bar, sing in public, or pee in an alley, but I generally don’t get super truthful and say things that I keep all bottled up inside, but maybe because I’m a woman, and I pretty much have no problem blurting out my feelings….crying while watching grey’s anatomy….or telling my friends and family I love them….but is it different for guys?

Do guys fall victim of alcoholic truth serum because they DO hold back certain things? Like for instance, guys don’t get into fist fights every time they are pissed off sober…but look out when they are drunk…..and guys don’t go around blurting out their “feelings” either…..

So guys? What do ya think? Is it all just a bunch of drunken bullshit? Or does the truth come out when you’re a drunken mess?

I want to know….only you can help me on this one. And girls….what’s your experiences with this? And I don’t mean that stranger you met at the bar that one night who told you that they’ve been waiting their WHOLE life to meet you and that you are the most beautiful woman they’ve ever met…..obviously, that’s a display of pure “drunken-I-need to-get-laid-ness”…and who hasn’t been THERE before? Women are guilty of this too!

Ok, so here’s your chance….give me your two cents!

I'm a Loser Baby, so why don't ya kill me:

So, this weekend is my first weekend in Chicago..... so I'm all like gearing up, making sure I have plenty of chap stick, bug spray, sunblock..... got my car fixed up..... got my tires rotated.... only to find out two of my tires are bad! great right?! Ok, so fine, I go to the tire store, I purchase my tire, I sit and read my library book for twenty minutes and when the kid rings me up, he tells me he broke my lug nut. So I ask him... "is it still broke? or did you fix it?"

He says, no its still broke, but it should be fine.

So I leave there after paying my $128.00 and I'm off to Auto Zone to purchase a lug nut, thinking it's just a simple fix, only to be told by the dude at Auto Zone that I would need to take my car to a mechanic and have it fixed because I need a new stem and everything. Whatever that means. So he says, "I cannot believe the tire place broke it and didn't just fix it!" He then says "you got a boyfriend or a husband?".... and I look at him like "seriously, what's me having a boyfriend got anything to do with a tire?" and he says..."I mean, if you had a boyfriend or husband I'd have him call down there and tell them they have to fix what they broke! That's just bad customer service not to!"

Then we talk some more and he tells me where I can take it to get it fixed, but warned me that it'd be impossible to get it fixed before my Chicago departure.....so THEN he says "Got a dad?" I shake my head no and say "Nope, no dad"....he says "wow you really are screwed then!" We both fall silent while I consider my two time loser-ism...No boyfriend or Husband, No dad....no nobody. I had saw that look of pity in his eye....poor sad loser girl...who has nobody.....

I barely heard him through my own drowning in my loserness...when he said "Welp, you are just going to have to call down there and yell at em yourself then!" I looked at him and said that I wasn't a big yeller and he urged me...."Listen, they broke it, let THEM fix it! CALL THEM!"

So, not wanting to have him hear me put my mean face on, I said, "Ok, you go inside, I'm going to do this and I don't want you hearing it!" He shuffles off into the building, i dial the number. Lucky for me I get the Manager/Owner and I simply ask him if it's their policy to break things and not fix them. I said that I just spent $128.00 to have new tires, not to have a broken lug nut. Then I said "your tire guy told me it was perfectly fine to drive it the way it was, but I just had a mechanic tell me that it was terribly unsafe to do, it would cause a wobble in the tire, etc."

I get put on hold. Finally he comes back and says he'll fix it tomorrow if I come back.

So the good news is, I have two new tires. the bad news is, I have a broken lug nut....and have been painfully reminded by some dude at Auto Zone that I have no husband, no boyfriend and no dad....I hope it rains again tonight....I think I might go drown myself in it this time.

Mood: sad
Listening to: The clock tick...

Splish Splash.....In the Rain I Ran

So last night after work, I changed out of my work clothes and into my running shorts and shoes…..and made my way out the door. I was tired, it was nearing midnight, and the idea of running after my already extremely long day was about more than I could muster….but I dutifully went out nonetheless. I just started running again after giving my ankle two weeks to heal….so I don’t want to start losing my steam now……once out from under the carport, I realized it was sprinkling…I thought, Oh, a little sprinkling won’t kill me….

A little sprinkling turned into pouring down rain about four blocks later. I contemplating running home, but I was like….oh, at this point, I’m going to get drenched no matter what, so might as well make the best of this.

I continued to run. Rain soaked my hair, my clothes, my shoes. Water streamed down my forehead and into my eyes….I rubbed my eyes, surely smearing mascara all over my face….I couldn’t see….but I kept running….…. Cars drove by and stared at the crazy girl running in the rain…but I kept running. My feet splashed through puddles…..and water poured into my shoes from the flooded gutter pools….but I kept running.

As an adult, there are very few times you just say “f*ck it” and play in the rain….let mother nature soak you to your core….and by the time I got home, there wasn’t a single part of me left dry. I wrung my shirt out….let my hair down and squeezed some water out of it…..kicked my wet socks and shoes off…and went to the basement where I stripped naked and my clothes went “SPLAT” as I threw them into their respective laundry bins.

There’s something about running in the rain, letting go of that control….to just really give yourself up to the circumstance and just roll with it that is soooooo therapeutic. So your working 3 jobs and not going to have a day off until November….…..you can’t afford new running shoes…..you’re stressed about bills…..none of that matters when the rain is pouring over your body, making your muscles shimmer in the light from the street lights…..you don’t worry about how you look, if your hair’s a fright….you could care less if your clothes are wrinkly or riding up weird…..the water just washes over you and takes it all away. With mascara all over my face, hair a mess…..shoes squishy….nothing really mattered. It was the freest I’ve felt in weeks…..maybe months.

What started out as something I drug myself out the door to do, turned into the very best thing for me.

I’m thankful for the rain…..I think I needed it more than the dead grass in my yard did.

Mandatory Health Insurance:

So the word on the street is that the US Government wants to make Health Insurance Mandatory. Hmmmm…..

As an uninsured American…I already carry my mandatory Car Insurance….I have my homeowner’s insurance which I have to have in order to get a mortgage loan…..but is health insurance something that should be mandatory?

Car insurance: Ok, you go out on the road and you could potentially kill someone with your car, you can damage someone else’s property….so car insurance is so that you are forced to not JUST protect yourself, but more so to protect “the other guy”….

Home Owner’s Insurance: The government doesn’t necessarily FORCE you to have this, unless the government is backing the loan, the BANK forces you to have it, to protect THEIR collateral for the loan. Ok, that makes sense. You want the loan, you comply with getting the insurance. Makes sense….

But Health Insurance….if I have bad health….who gets hurt besides myself? The Hospital? The Dr.? Society as a whole?

I spent three days in the hospital last year and my bill was approximately $20,000.00. I didn’t have surgery. I didn’t undergo and major procedures, just laid in the bed, monitored and given several hefty doses of medication to fight my infection….Was it worth $20,000.00? What is my life, my vision…..worth in the form of a dollar value?

But the odds of me getting a freak staph infection in my eye is 100 to 1….

“The federal government tracks average spending on health insurance for people with job-based coverage. The most recent figures are from 2005, and indicate that the average individual's job-based premiums were $3,991 that year, while families spent an average of $10,728.” (http://healthinsurance.about.com/od/faqs/f/avgpremium.htm)

So, in my Adult life, lets say I’ve paid $4,000.00 / year since I started my first “real” job….so at age 18. 18 to 31, that’s 13 years. I’d of paid out $51,000.00 in Heath Care coverage….not including deductibles that must be met before insurance really even kicks in to pay for anything….AND….they only pay 80%....so I’d still have to pay out on top of that $51,000.00 20% of everything I rack up, PLUS a deductible.

I don’t like that I can’t afford the health insurance I wish I had it, but I don’t like to be told that I have to pay for insurance I can’t afford either….or worse yet, if I don’t comply with getting the mandated insurance, I will be forced to pay a penalty for not having it. As a single person with no kids, I’m already taxed out the ass the way it is, and NOW…I’m going to get taxed because I can’t afford health insurance! WTF!?!?!? If you are going to force me to pay for this stuff, then you should FORCE my employer to pay me more so I can afford it, it’s only fair isn’t it?! No wait, some business association protects the rights of businesses not to HAVE to pay me more….but who protects single women living on one income? Who protects people like me? Anymore, I’m not even a demographic to consider. Married people with kids (Tax Credits given). People on Welfare, Poor People (food stamps, Earned Income Tax Credit), People on Medicaid (Free Insurance), Gay People (Civil Unions), the religious groups (Exempt from Taxes), the conservatives….Big Business…Little Businesses….Unwed mothers (WIC)…ya’ll got a voice it seems….me, there’s no single people with no kids association marching on Washington because we get NO breaks in life. We just make due. We make more than minimum wage and less than enough to really keep our heads above water.

Will I wind up a fugitive? Homeless because I can’t afford my mortgage AND health insurance both?

When does government HELP….become personal hindrance? Government backed house loans….GOOD. Government backed college loans….GOOD. That’s an investment in the country’s citizen’s prosperity…..it’s helpful, but government mandated Health Insurance? Is my health my responsibility or the White Houses? In a perfect world where everyone has money trees in their back yard, maybe this would be a good idea, but you can’t force people to pay for things they need, when they don’t have the money to spare. If you make health insurance mandatory, you better make it mandatory for people to be paid enough to afford it. Minimum wage increases….so does the price of everything else. A combo meal at Wendy’s already costs $6.00…..my hourly wage used to seem fair, until I had to work nearly an entire hour to afford fast food. They raise the minimum wage, but everyone else’s wages stay the same while the price of everything else goes up. How can we afford an extra $4,000 / year under those conditions?

Freedom. It’s a dying concept. I’m not free, I’m enslaved by having to work three jobs to “make due”….To have the things I need, I don’t just have to work hard, I have to work, work, work and work some more just to get by….which is nowhere NEAR getting ahead. If there’s no way to get ahead, how far behind do we have to get before things like “mandated $4,000.00/year health insurance” seem taxing to more people than just me? It’s never a good idea to back an animal into a corner….because when you do, you’re going to get a desperate creature, to resort to desperate measures.

Even the most docile of creature will surprise you…..if you leave them no other choice.

These days, it seems to me that the American Dream is the kind of thing that you put on a layaway plan, you pay and pay and pay trying to get it out of hock…..but at the end of the day, it’s still ALWAYS a year’s wages away.

Off The Menu...and into the Toilet:

Welp, i believe it's safe to say, I won't be eating Taquitos for a long, long......LONG time.

Once you barf something up so violently that it comes out your nose, you pretty much lose all desire to consume such things again....

Last year, it was Sloppy Joe, which on a side note I'm still not quite over, this year, it's Taquitos.

It wasn't the flu I don't think...as I feel a lot better now....I don't think it was food poisoning...I think it just didn't sit well in my stomach or something....and I used my final Pregnancy Test just to rule out morning sickness....and that's a big NEGATIVE...so I'm thinking it was just one of those fluke upset stomach things I suffer from sometimes.

It's funny the position you assume when you know there's no reason to fight it....you get out of bed and you nearly stomp your feet in disgust as you head to the bathroom....you kneel on the floor....forearms on the toilet seat....moaning a little from the thought of what's about to happen....you realize your ankles are grinding into the hard cold floor, so you pull out a folded up towel, place it under your knees and folded back ankles....and you wait. Spit a few times to check to see the ETA of the big event....the bleach smell from that Clorox toilet bowl cleaner hits you in the face and you know it won't be long now....*sighs*.....*moans*....

Then....you hurl, and hurl and hurl....crash to the floor, wipe your mouth with toilet paper, blow your nose, spit some more.....wipe your eyes which are streaming tears...or toilet bowl water....you're not quite sure which....and then you try and decide...do you go back to your room, or do you wait here for round #2?!?

Anyway....after much debate, more barfing, face washing, tooth brushing and then crawling into my bed 15 minutes before my alarm was due to go off hugging my bathroom trashcan.....it was SURPRISE!!!! WAKE UP!!!! TIME FOR WORK!!!! YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

I am going to fumes today too....I'm soooooo tired since i spent the whole night up barfing as opposed to getting my much needed beauty rest. I brushed my teeth so many times I think I may of brushed all the enamel right off of them! *swallows*...I can almost still taste that awful mexican taste in my mouth.....Oh, make it stop!!!

Anyway, so for any interested parties....if you are having me over for dinner any time in the near future....maybe don't invite me over on Taquito Night. *smiles*

~hl~

It's all very Patrick Dempsey-esque

I've been out of High School since I graduated in 1996. yes, I'm old....I said it....moving on....

There was this guy I went to school with. Me and my friend T used to like the guy. Like, like a friend, like. He had freckles and wasn't THE most popular guy, but I liked him and T and I used to talk to him all the time when we had class with him.

After high school, this guy, who we'll call "Richard".....ended up marrying and having kids with "Sally"....now Sally was a Cheerleader, very popular, dated a football player....always had her pick of handsome, popular guys to date, so I was SHOCKED when I found out that the two of them ended up together. Like this is serious "Can't Buy me Love" kind of stuff here.

Not that all the Richard's in the world don't deserve "Sally's"....but it just really floored me. Sally wouldn't of given Richard the time of day in High School. She would of considered dating a telephone pole probably before dating him.....so what happened? What evened the playing field between these two?

And then I kind of figured it out I think...just last night, I went to go pick my car up from the guy who fixed it for me. My new mechanic being a guy I went to High School with, a guy "I" didn't really run around with in school....we were classmates, yes....but I didn't know him well by any means. Anyway, I saw him last night, and i was like....wow, time sure does change us.....I mean, he and I are now in our 30's...his hair's different...and clothes were different...and he's all grown up, so grown up that he has a son who's nearing a teenager...and I couldn't help but to stare and try to remember him from the days of long ago.....

But all i could see was who he turned into.....

So maybe that's what happened to Richard and Sally, maybe she just saw him and couldn't remember all those reasons why she never would of dated him in the past. Maybe the people we become outshine the people we used to be?

I've always been a fan of the underdog....in sports, and in life. I like it when someone deserving gets a break against all odds. Richard and Sally are kind of inspiring to me really.....just goes to show that things aren't always what they seem....things you THINK are out of reach, maybe aren't....and that people really do change....and grow past all that materialistic, predetermined status bullshit that high school breeds. I was very lucky to have a great group of kids to share my class with...a great group of kids who always accepted me and liked me as much for my differences as my similarities....and Richard and Sally are a product of that kind of acceptance that i think.

Ring Ring Ring....Hello? Love is that you?

So you guys know that I’m a romantic. Regardless of my tomboy upbringing, my abusive father who treated us like crap, my last name, or my red hair and supposed temper that comes along with it….I’m a hopeless romantic down deep. Now I may not show my swoony side to just anyone…but let me tell you, it’s in there. I really am a sucker for a good love story.

And speaking of love stories, one that I’ve been thinking about is “You’ve got mail”…..Meg Ryan v. Tom Hanks. Online….they are entwined in a great romance, in reality, they were feuding business owners…..who were committed to the cause of defeating one another.

Sometimes what we feel for someone depends solely on how we relate to them, how that relationship fits into our life, our hearts, our mind…what purpose or need they fill. Some might say, well that’s a convenient answer….but really, how “convenient” is love really? It always comes at the most unexpected times, too many times it blindsides you with WHO you fell in love WITH!....and it’s not something we really feel like we have much control over….

One thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that sometimes, you don’t KNOW you loved someone until after they are gone. Too many times we THINK we love someone….only to find out after, that it wasn’t really love at all.

I got an e-mail last night….and it’s all about how: “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” And I believe that, I think God, or if you don’t believe in God, then the universe or the cosmos or whatever magical/religious thing you believe in…..I think he/she/it sends us what we need. Sometimes it comes in the form of “WHO” we need.

A friend of mine asked me today “is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met, only spoke to on the phone???”

And I’m not 100% sure…..I’d like to believe that YES, it is possible. But love is a tricky thing. It’s a two part-er really…maybe THREE…or even MORE!…..it’s just that there are many sides to love. There is physical love. Emotional Love, spiritual love….

I am going to say, that I KNOW you can fall into a state euphoria…… adoration….. smitten-ness. But Love….wow, love I think comes when that person becomes intertwined in your life to the point that you can’t imagine going on without them. I think you can totally fall in love with someone’s personality, you can fall in love with their laugh, you can fall in love with how they make you feel…..but deep meaningful, I love you forever love…..well I'm not sure you can love until you put all the pieces of the love puzzle together....loving talking to someone, loving their personality is big, but it's only part of the bigger picture.

I have met guys whom I LOVE talking to....could talk to them for hours....but I couldn't LIVE with them, and I wouldn't want to have SEX with them.....i couldn't LOVE them wholeheartedly.

I’ve been essentially single for 3 years now. And over the last three years….I’ve fallen in what I “thought” was love a couple times…..looking back on it now, I realize, that I had “WANTED” to love them…..I TRIED to love them…..I even convinced myself that I DID love them. But at the end of the day, the way to know if you really love someone….is when you realize that you still do, after 2 years, 5 years, 25 years…..I think you know you love someone when you look at them sleeping….and it makes you smile for no apparent reason. Their fishing stories that you’ve heard 500 times don’t annoy you….even if you can say repeat them word for word simultaneously as he tells it…..I think you know you love someone when Brad Pitt doesn’t compare to the man laying next to you…..when you make sour kraut which makes you want to barf from the smell, but you do it anyway because he likes it….and you find great joy in making him happy, because he’s always made you happy.

I think that you can “start” to fall in love with someone whom you’ve never met…..I think that its very exciting, it’s medicine to the soul to have that voice in your ear that gives your heart that flutter, that high that only the start of a new romance can give…..So to answer the question…..I think that what you have is an open door….and open door that can take you anywhere……you could walk through it and fall down a flight of stairs….or you can walk through it and find everything you’ve been looking for is on the other side….but, if it’s love you’ll get, well who isn’t up for a little adventure?

So, to answer the question: “is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met, only spoke to on the phone???”

I think anything is POSSIBLE…..but there is only one way to know for sure and that’s to see it through….and MEET ALREADY!!! But safely….remember, meet in a public place….bring a friend, or a guard dog or something just in case…but meet. See if that great connection on the phone transpires as well in person. See if you can’t stop staring at his mouth when he talks because you can’t wait to kiss him, see if when he hugs you, you actually melt a little…..you think voice on voice action is good….imagine how great face to face COULD be.

I’m very curious now…..“Why haven’t they met yet?” What’s holding them back?

And for anyone else reading this…..what do you think? Have any of YOU fallen in love with someone you’ve never physically met?

Back to Civilization:

So this past weekend was interesting .... No Phone, No Car & No computer!

Talk about feeling out of the loop. No Facebook status updates, no text messages or phone calls.... and no wheels to take me somewhere where people congregate.

If I'd of had an emergency ..... my only way to get help would of been run out into the street screaming and stop moving traffic!

I realized this year, just HOW addicted to technology I actually am. See a couple weeks ago, my microwave died .... and I nearly starved to death. Seriously, I went through my cabinets and tried to find food that I could figure out how to cook on this thing we call a "stove" and I was so depressed by the idea of actually having to wait 20 minutes to heat up a can of soup that I just gave up and went hungry instead. Lost five pounds over that ordeal....*laughs*

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Funny story about not having a car: My cousin/Neighbor Kami gave me a ride to the Jefferson's High School Football game Saturday night. She was supposed to go with me, but she wasn't done watching the Michigan v. Notre Dame Game, so i was going alone. Anyway, so she drops me off at the gate, like all the parents do with their children and then she gives me the following talk: "Heather, I swear to God, if I hear you walked home, I'm going to be very upset with you! When this game is over, you call me and I'll come back and pick you up! I mean it....VERY UPSET!"

I say, "FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE, I won't walk home! I'll call, I promise I won't walk."

Which is hilarious to me considering my mom, back in the day, if this situation had been me and MY mom as opposed to me and Kami, my mom would of said "Heather, I brought you here, now make sure you get a ride home, because I'm not driving all the way back to town to get you! Walk home if you have to!"

LOL......

Yeah, times sure have changed...at 31, I'm told not to walk home.....and at 17, I'd of been hitchhiking down 5th Street. At 31 I'm impatient to actually have to cook soup on the stove....and at 17, I was cooking supper for a family of six every other day. At seventeen, people might try to reach me on the phone for daaaaaays and not get me or OMG even worse, try for a 1/2 an hour and keep getting that dreaded busy signal.....at 31, going without a phone for even a day seems like torture! at 17, it took seven days for your pen pal to get your letter....at 31, i can text, e-mail, picture message, call and be connected with someone in mere seconds.

I think there's something special about not being readily available though.....while not having my phone had it's downside, for example, my mechanic couldn't call me about when I can get my car back...but it also had it's upside....there was no pressure to reply, respond or answer to anyone.....it was like radio silence. No beeping, ringing or buzzing....it was really......um....quiet.

{Oh, and I want to send a big shout out to my friend Jim, who was so awesome to let me use his car until I get mine back! THANKS JIM!!!!!!!!!}

Friends really are the icing on the cake of life.

Deeply Disturbed in Delphos

Dear Whomever should be reading this,

Yesterday felt very much like the twilight zone in my life, all things odd, and some things peculiar.

One such event has left me quite disturbed, and I need your advice.

While on Facebook, I saw that an old friend of mine whom I'd not spoke to probably since my wedding was online.

He being this adorable kid I've known since we were both kids. He was younger than me, so I never really saw him as anything more than a pal, however upon "catching up" with him yesterday, he informed me just how much he liked redheads. He flirted with me...and at first I thought it was my imagination....especially considering this boy whom I adored as a kid, was now a husband and father. Professional job...probably even has family pictures framed on some perfect family friendly mantle somewhere. Very Normal Rockwell I imagine....anyway.... after about a 20 minute IM session, of this "catching up"....he asks me for my cell #...says he wants to send me something. He eludes to the fact it has something to do with kids. I thought, oh he might want to show me a picture of his kid or something. But instead, he sends me a picture of himself. He looked handsome, i won't lie....he asked me for one of myself, i happened to have one on my phone, so i sent him one back.....he replies with "I've just seen an angel!"

Flirty right? right?!? I thought so.

Anyway, then he says..."I have more pictures..." and I said, "oh, sure send away if you like"..... and then he says "what are your limitations?" Me being the idiot I am, I say "I'm not sure what you mean?" Next thing you know he's sending me pictures of his "package" and I don't mean something delivered from UPS. The first picture being of his lower half....clad in boxer briefs. the second being a rather aroused version of himself...again, covered by the now infamous boxer briefs. The third...oh yes, there was a third....was the head of his penis, naked as the day he was born. It was a nice peekaboo shot....like it was just popping out to say hello. For some reason, I kind of imagined his penis would of had a British accent....perhaps wearing one of those little hats that English police do....hopping on a double decker bus....eating fish and chips....

sorry...where was I?

Oh right, he sent me a picture of his penis after a twenty minute IM conversation. I was fairly shocked. I mean....he and I had NEVER had a flirty kind of relationship prior to this day....he was just an Asexual kind of person to me....and now, now...in what alternate universe does..."Hi, how have you been the last 10 years"...translate into..."I'd LOVE to see your penis, please oh pretty please?!!!"

And for this guy....perfect father, super dad, happily married and all that jazz....to actually say to me "I don't know what's the big deal, it's not physical." when I told him I wasn't so sure this was something I was comfortable being a party to.....I tried the "I'm shy" bit when he asked me for a picture of myself....and I even told him specifically "look, i don't want to get myself into trouble here, nor you for that matter"....but again, he played it off, "it's no big deal....I'll delete anything you send me....we don't want evidence now do we?" "EVIDENCE!??!?!" Seriously, was i committing espionage? Treason more like! No, no, no....this was all wrong....and I politely stepped away from the penis.

But i can't help but think....."it's not physical"....so what if it's not physical. So showing me your penis is showing me your penis whether it's physical or not is not the issue at hand. I didn't ASK to see it first of all, secondly, i think the penis preview is something that maybe should be saved for a special occasion, or exclusivity of some sort, but this, THIS was just like blindsiding me with it on a busy street corner with children in close proximity....and it, well quite frankly, was just way too much penis for me before noon. I like to ease into my day....

Now, now, don't get me wrong, I like penis as much as the next girl, but this just caught me so off guard...and I'm not one to throw so easily. I'm not going to lie, I'm no angel or anything, but I'm not a big naked picture type girl....I don't ever really trust anyone enough to allow it....(yes, i have issues, whatever!) But seriously, people break up, relationships end, who wants their naked pictures unleashed on the world out of spite? I sure don't! Maybe I'm just being uptight and / or cranky....But, you don't just show your penis to some girl like that....i mean, work up to it or something.....

Whyyyyyyyy...would he do this. I mean, after ten years, why would he even trust that I wouldn't tell anyone, save the pictures, send them to myself on my e-mail and print them out for a fun game at my next girlfriends bachelor-ette party called "Name that Penis"

Do guys really think this way....that so long as it isn't "physical" it's not real? It's not unethical? it's not a big deal? If I found out my husband, which for the record, I'm very aware of the fact that I don't have....but if I did, and i found out he was sending pictures of his penis to some random girl from his cell phone, I'd be furious! I mean....where are the lines of cheating in such a digitally accessible time? Cell phone, e-mail, texting, pictures messaging.....you'd never have this problem when we were forced to use messenger pigeons and Morris code.

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Like I said, yesterday was the freaking twilight zone of a day....with a side of randomness. I'm dealing with it....so naturally i wanted to share it with you....it's what i do.

Sincerely,
Deeply Disturbed in Delphos

Death in Delphos

A couple weeks ago I heard about this guy who committed suicide. A Delphos man….they told me his name, but I had no idea who he was, never heard the name before, but I listened as I was told about how he was in the middle of a divorce, how supposedly his wife said to him “the world would be a better place if you weren’t in it”….or something along those lines…..He wanted to reconcile, she didn’t, she wished him dead, and he granted her request.

He shot himself at his home, outside in the yard and according to what I’ve heard, he laid there for about 24 hours before anyone (namely his daughter) discovered his lifeless body and called authorities.

The story didn’t really hit home until someone told me where this man lived. They told me the big brick house on the corner that I pass everyday on my way to work and I immediately recalled seeing the police, ambulances, fire trucks, etc at the house, they were out in the yard…..and there was no emergency vehicles racing away from the scene. I thought someone fell down the stairs, or maybe they were burning trash that got out of hand or something…..I had no idea that the house that I drove by every day….the house I drove by that morning…..had a dead man laying just a few feet off the road in which I traveled.

That morning in the misty morning fog, as my little neon zoomed past heading east, heading off to work…..he was there. Just lying there, waiting to be discovered. Eight hours later, he was.

I can’t even imagine how his daughter is doing after finding her father that way. What hits home even closer is that his daughter lived below me when I lived on Jefferson Street in my upstairs apartment. Not only do I know the house where this tragedy occurred, but I also know the poor girl this happened TO.

I hear the deceased was controlling and volatile….and his relationship with his family was strained leading up to his demise…..and I think about my own father, the similarities between their personalities. My father always eluded to the fact that he’d harm himself should my mother ever leave him….he was controlling over us, abusive, both verbally and physically…..he was just off balance enough to do something like this….but he never did.

What is it in us that we either have or don’t have that has one person pulling the trigger, and another putting the weapon down?

Love? Fear? Selfishness? Hopelessness? Hate?

I can’t shake the idea of him laying there….waiting to be discovered. Lifeless….cold…..alone.

Home is where the heart is?

A lot of people are always asking me why Delphos?! Why did I buy a house here, why do I want to tie myself to an ity bity town with no hope of escape. No dating options, no kids to raise in this kid-friendly-don't have to lock your doors kind of town.....and I always tell them, because it's home to me. it's where I'm from. See I'm a sentimental fool if nothing else...

Today, I woke up early....put on my running shoes and ran out out the door, down the street....the wind my running created caused my eyes to water...and the chilly air made my lungs burn...but in a good way.

The thing about Delphos is, we are collection of nobody(s), somebody(s) and everybody(s). This house has brilliant landscaping, that one has dead bushes that need pulled and their grass is brown and dead. This house has a OSU placard, that one the virgin Mary.

You can walk the streets of Delphos on a Sunday morning....and watch as the good people of the world strut out their front doors dressed in their Sunday's best...heading off for Church....the seven thirty Catholic church mass crowd is returning.....looking pious and pristine as ever.....the non-church going factory worker types in their jeans and T-shirts are sipping coffee having their morning cigarette in the sun on their front porch steps....while you see someone else creeping home from the place that last night's alcohol induced stupor had found them in. And then there's me....wandering aimlessly, no schedule, no real destination or timeframe....running shorts and a t-shirt....knee socks and sneakers....listening to the various church bells chime....observing those who are likely observing me. Where do i fit in to all of this? In town full of families...I am without child. In a town full of housefulls....I am just one. A town full of churches and bars...and I worship at neither.

Sometimes we sit and think...How did I end up in a place like this....What road brought me here. But I ask myself, how is it that I, started out here? How does fate have us born and raised in a place that may very well be home, but a home that is kinda like a elephant waking up in a bird's nest.... or a buffalo being kept in a fish aquarium.

I've never wanted to leave here...I truly do love it, but I wonder, does it love me? Will planting roots here be the death of me....like a tree trying plant roots in rock.....I don't want to be a buffalo in a fish aquarium.

{to be continued......}

I Realize Now....

Exactly what is that I want. With it comes the realization that the one thing that sucks absolutely worse than not knowing what you want, is knowing what you want and knowing you can't have it.

Good vs. Evil ( A Date Night Review)

Have you ever been on a date when you realize that your date is too good for you? And not too good in the aspect that you aren't worthy of them, or that they are financially better than you...but too good like you can't be your slightly spunky self. No swearing, no flirty colorful humor....just straight-laced conversation, American cuisine and two people catching up on the last twenty years.

The part where I knew i was completely screwed...and not in a good way, was when the waiter brought me my fish and chips, and him his baby-back ribs and I was starving, so I ate a french fry off my plate when the waiter walked away, and as I'm chewing....mouth full of starch, "Jude" says...."Would you like to say grace, or would you like me to?" I was like..."why don't you go ahead."

I don't even know what he said in the prayer....because my mind was swirling around the concept of prayer on a first date....I mean, when "I" pray on a date, it's usually something like "Please God, please don't let him turn out to be a murderer"...or "Please God, let me get out of this car alive", "Please God don't let him try and kiss me!", "Please God LET him kiss me!"

But never...."Please god bless this food and our fellowship....something, something, something"...but before you know it, my head was bowed and I was then saying Amen.

Up until this point, I was watching the cursing....after the prayer, yeah, pretty much assumed it was forbidden. And not like I'm a belligerent curser or anything, but you guys know me, i like to spice up my language for the purpose of humor or delivery during normal adult conversation....I'm one of those people who just love a good curse every once in awhile.

So at this point I'm thinking....well, perhaps God has put this person in my way for a reason. I mean, we hadn't seen each other in nearly twenty years, maybe he sent me Jude....Now, I'm not a "by-the-book" kind of example of religious person.....BUT I was raised by a very religious Mother....and was taken to church every Sunday, kicking and screaming.....and I mostly tried to sleep through the service while my mother elbowed me in the ribcage telling me to "Straighten up!" So because of this, I tend to have a "religious outlook"...or religious belief system....I just never claim to be any good at staying on the "straight and narrow'....God and I, we have talks regularly, he' knows I'm flawed....but i work on it. I'm ok with it and i figure he knows my heart is always in the right place no matter how often i screw up and make bad decisions.....Anyway, so i thought maybe this was divine intervention....I can't behave, so send me a guy who will pray for me and "will" me into religious submission. It was something to think about anyway.

soooooo.....it wasn't until back at the hotel, that I realized that my saint had a good AND bad side. Oh, and we were at a hotel, because we met up in Dayton where he is taking some training for his job. So NO, it's not typical for me to meet dates at hotels. Just so we're clear. I wasn't even going to go in, but i figured, a guy who prays at dinner surely isn't intending on putting the moves on me right? Uh, wrong!

So anyway, i won't go into details about my hotel conversation / make out session.....just that I was praying to remain "good"....I practiced the art of self restraint.....he was a good kisser....and a rather attractive fella.....but I'd had a rough week, and while I HAVE morals, yeah, sometimes in the heat of the moment, I cave....it happens....but my heart just wasn't in it.....and I was praying for the wisdom to walk away with no regrets. Lucky for me...the angel on my shoulder held my skirt down....kept my buttons buttoned....and short of some messed up hair and swollen lips....i escaped without any sustainable damage.

So this is a first for me, I went on a date with a holy man.....a holy man who stole kisses like a seasoned criminal. It was interesting....veeeeeeery interesting.

Amen.

~hl~

It Happens.....

Ok, first of all, don't make fun of me for this, but I, well, I have a tiny crush on Justin Timberlake. Yes, I realize that as a self respecting 31 year old...that this statement makes me equal with thousands of adoring adolescent girls worldwide, but yeah....I admit it, the guy has killer dance skills, abs to die for, adorable curly hair...and a smile that could warm ANY room he presented it to. How do you not love him? I also secretly dance to his music in my underwear when I'm home alone....go ahead, judge me, i don't care!

Anyway, so while wallowing in self pity over this whole TMI fiasco of earlier this week....I started listening to some music...."What goes around comes around" by JT was one that I played for myself. I hadn't heard it in forever...and I got to thinking...."Ya know, even Justin Timberlake got dumped, cheated on and screwed over by that knitwit Brittany Spears! And now look at him, he's 100x more popular, he's got his shit together, he's amazingly talented.....not to mention, he got a killer album outta of the experience that pretty much rocketed him to super-stardom"

Then I thought about Kid Rock, dumped by Pam Anderson. Nicole Kidman.....dumped by Tom Cruise. Brad Cheated on Jennifer with Angelina....

the point is, shit happens. Super awesome people get dumped, blown off and told goodbye all the time....and I bet they sat there bewildered wondering "why me?" just like me!

I told my friend Jim last night....when he told me the classic "if so and so doesn't see what a catch you are...then it's his loss"...which frankly, i was starting to become skeptical of. I mean, if I'm such a great catch....then what's the deal? I told him I was starting to think that's just something you tell single people so they don't hurl themselves off cliffs.

I do feel better though knowing that it's not just me. So if gorgeous Justin Timberlake could be jilted and wronged...well then...I'm not in such bad company now am I?! Who hasn't loved a dumbass Brittany Spears in their lifetimes?!!

Tuesday Night Recap

It's nearing midnight...Wednesday is nearly upon us....and wow, what a week it's been.

Sunday I sprained my ankle when a huge dog bolted out of nowhere and plowed me over while out jogging. Limped home and amused myself by feeling every beat of my heart throb amazingly from my ankle instead of my chest. I watched it swell....I felt the pain.....

Monday I made the massive mistake of TMI. You know, Too Much Information....another attack of PMS overly honest expression of emotions. Oh how I suffer. You know how most people get really bitchy when they have their time of the month? Well, I, oh, i couldn't get lucky to be a stereotypical bitch, oh no, I get lovey. Yeah, I am like a character written right out of the twilight series, romantic, intensely loving....which when in a relationship would probably have a guy quite the lucky dude to have a lady who loves him more with each hormonal influx, but see, it's when you are ARE NOT in a relationship and you express these kind of things to people you aren't "technically" dating...where it seems to be a bit of a problem. You'll never see a man run for the hills so fast as when you tell them that you actually CARE about them! Oh, NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!!!!! (SCREAMS!!!!)

I was pretty tore up about it too. All teary at work, having to tell my co-workers that my allergies were really flaring up as a way to explain my red eyes and nose. I wished i could take it all back, however, should we really wish to take back the truth? Is it any less the truth if we never say it out loud? I ran every night this week on a sprained ankle as punishment for my actions. Every slap of my foot to the pavement made bursts of pain shoot up my leg, through my torso, up my back and want to explode out the top of my head. And while it hurt, ever so badly, the pain channeled physically was far easier to cope with than the emotional pain that this disastrous week has brought with it. while some people cut themselves....I am running myself into the ground....literally.

Anyway, so while the guy who I adored for months now runs for the hills....leaving me far, far in the dust of his retreat, I have a date tomorrow. Well, actually it's now today. I have a date today. His name is....uh....."Jude". Yep, for the sake of this story, his name will be Jude.

Jude, {5'10" tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes. A airplane mechanic, talented motocross guy, ex-skateboarding extraordinaire}....and I will be going on a date thing. Tomorrow after work, I'll change my clothes, powder my nose and it's off to Dayton I go to meet up with Jude.

Who might I add, I haven't seen in like 18 years or something. See Jude and I knew each other back when we were kids. I had THE biggest crush on him, however, he had spiked blonde hair then, he was a skateboarder and he was badass! So badass in fact, that he didn't want much to do with a starry eyed redhead who was over the moon for him! Yeah, I imagine ole Jude who was the type of boy to say things like "girls are stupid"! And to be honest, young girls....the kind of girls that go ga, ga over Hannah Montana, the Backstreet boys, Hanson or the Jonas Brothers...yeah, we're all pretty stupid-acting at that age!

It's hard for me to be super excited about this date after the start of this week going ever so badly....normally i'd be having date night jitters.....planning on what to wear, how to do my hair, you know, girlie things...but instead, i sit here and just feel my ankle swelling back up, *budum, budum, budum* it goes as it curses me for my masochistic punishment of myself.

We all want the one that got away...or in this case RAN away....but i'm too tired and too injured to catch up to him....What's that saying...."if you love something set if free, if it comes back to you, it's yours....if it doesn't, it never was"......well, we'll see how that works out.

The funny thing is, the last time I quit seeing the guy who ran away (yes, we are repeat offenders)....I started dating someone else after he totally blew me off....and when he found out, he got completely "re-interested"....the ole we want what we can't have. Well now, here we go again, AGAIN he's going to let me go, let me move on....and while i wish I could tell you....he BETTER NOT COME BACK THIS TIME.....deep down, I wonder if I'll always secretly wish that he will.

But what's done is done....and the show must go on....and on it will go, as I make my way to bed, to work, and then to a re-acquaintance with one of my very first crushes.....Jude. Wish me luck.

xoxox,
~hl~

I'm going to need a gift receipt:

Today I was thinking .... as I sat under a tree at the park ..... half in the shade, half in the sunlight ... and I thought about friendship.

and I thought about what a wonderful gift friendship is....and how few people really have a good friend base, support system as I do....and then I thought about how it feels when you give the gift of friendship to someone who treats your gift like something given to them by their great aunt Mildred from Pittsburgh...keeping the tags on it, keep the receipt, just waiting for people to forget they got it so they can return it to the store for a refund. This is not how one hopes to find their friendship received. I know I've felt like this recently, and it's a hurtful, hurtful thing to see your good intentions rebuffed in this manner.

And it's not that the gift was bad, it's not that the gift wasn't thoughtful, it's just that the person you gave your gift to, had no idea of it's worth. Kinda like the guy who sells some old piece of crap at a garage sale for twenty five cents, not having any idea that it's worth $10,000 until he sees the guy he sold it to on Antique Roadshow getting it appraised. You know that guy's kicking himself from here to eternity for throwing away such a valuable possession. To not know what you have until it's gone...and you see some other chap reaping the benefits of what should of been yours. Oh, that is an ugly outcome to have happen to you.

the point is, we give of ourselves to others, we give our hearts, our friendship, our time.....and not everyone will see the worth in that, not everyone has open eyes and open hearts to the things others do for them. We just can't take it personally, we can't believe that our gift wasn't worth giving. Giving is always a good thing, whether the dumbass you are giving to knows it or not.

In time you'll learn....sort of like I learned that at EP (work) when someone says, hey can i "borrow" a dollar. That really means, Can i HAVE a dollar. In time you'll hammer out a system you're comfortable with, who to give to, who appreciates it, who doesn't....and you can chart your course accordingly. Sure "drug addict girl" at work never intends to pay me back, probably forgets any ounce of gratitude she had for my gift of a buck ten seconds after I've given it....but, I do have more to give than she does. So every once in awhile, I'll throw her a bone. Not because i pity her, but because sometimes it feels good to give.....

love, friendship, support, truth, companionship.....i think if you give these things to others, eventually, it'll come back around. Who's with me?

Maybe gift receipts aren't so bad....it's a reminder that we gave.