Something Strange is Brewing in the Kitchen

I'm terrible in the kitchen....some of you lucky people have experienced this first hand. My mom told me once that if anyone could burn water...it would be me.

Mostly I think it's because I'm easily distracted while in the kitchen...I just have a hard time waiting....cooking requires time...prep time, pre-heating...planning. Ya'll know I'm not a planner.

One time I thought I was going to be all super cute and domesticated and make meatloaf for my then fiance....and I've made meatloaf a hundred times before....but in the process of playing the role of cute soon-to-be-housewife...I forgot to add the required meatloaf ingredients and basically baked one big freaking hamburger.....I mean seriously...who forgets to put the loaf in the meat while making meatloaf?

It dawned on me today....I haven't bought aluminum foil or saran wrap in nine months. It never occurred to me to miss it.

My Tupperware collection consists of Yoder's Cottage Cheese and Daisy Sour Cream containers and I see nothing wrong with it....actually...I think I'm quite the recycler.

On the subject of cottage cheese:

I always eat it with a fork...never a spoon and I think it tastes funny if you put it on a plate....so I always eat it out of the container. To me cottage cheese doesn't go with sweet things like some people believe, putting fruit with it just seems wrong...I go with straight black pepper....to which every time I take that first bite...I must inhale a little or something because I always wind up breathing in the pepper and coughing like a idiot. Which pretty much makes me an even bigger idiot knowing I do this, and yet still I cough.

When I'm sad grilled cheese sandwiches are the only thing that sounds good.....and I usually have to make two of them because I always burn the first one.....

I had grilled cheese tonight......

Sticks and Stones May Break my Bones......

AND NOW I'M THROUGH LETTING YOUR WORDS HURT ME......

This week so far....and lets not forget it's only Wednesday...I have been called petty, narrow minded AND now.....a USER.

WARNING SARCASM ALERT: "Gee I can hardly wait to see what Thursday & Friday have in store for me!!"

You know...it's a wonder I have any friends at all if this is the way people really perceive me.

You know what really has me confused....how does one use someone without ever asking the other person for a thing, and particularly not accepting the countless offers for things that said person extended to them? In order to use...shouldn't the user benefit in some way? Gain something of value to them? This has me scratching my head.....

I guess this is just one of those situations when I have to tell myself that I can't please everyone all the time.....and if people don't like me for who I am....then....well...I just have to accept it and learn to move on.

Keith once told me "Heather, not everyone is going to like you." I guess most people just do....so when I come across someone who doesn't, I'm like....what's wrong with me that this person doesn't like me...I never stop to think that maybe it's the other person's problem....it's always that there's something wrong with ME.

I hate this feeling I have....but I'm not going to dwell on it a moment longer.....this person thinks I'm a shitty friend, and thinks I'm a user and petty.....well there isn't much I can do, I'm not going to beg for his forgiveness....because I AM NOT PETTY & I'M NOT A USER and I won't apologize for being something I'm not...

Love me, leave me, take me, keep me.....the choice is yours....I'm done dealing with sort of thing.

My sentiment for the evening.....

Image code by deepbox.com


PS - There are some exceptions to this of course...and you guys know who you are....passerby....Mr. Novak, Doc-T, Glen...Baba.....etc.

Love Kills:

While driving to work this week and last I started noticing that there were more dead skunks on the side of the road than normal. Which reminded me that it's mating season for them.

Here they are...our little black and white foul smelling friends....out looking for love in all the wrong places and then SPLAT....in stead of finding something warm to snuggle up to, they find their end instead!!

Love is scary like that....you sometimes become so blindsided by it that you couldn't see that there was a speeding SUV coming right at you blowing it's horn and flashing it's lights and there you sit, daydreaming about that special someone. Intoxicated with the idea of having found that person who just makes your day better than any day that you can remember from the past.

And there will be times when love will flatten you....leave you dead on the side of the road.....yet, year after year, those furry little creatures...they keep right on searching. Are they insane, or just THAT sexually charged?

Whether it's sex, or love you are after, either one can get you into trouble. Sometimes you are looking for sex and find love and sometimes you are looking for love only to realize that your mate only is interested in the sex.....it's not an exact science the whole love / lust field of study.

However....in order to learn, you must be a willing participant of the experiment. Sometimes...these things can go either way...and the only way to see, is to wait and just see what happens. Does this leave me wide open for being run over....yeah, it does....but what if....what if I were to make it to the other side of the road unscathed? What then? And that's why I try to keep myself in the experiment....it's the "what if's" in life that I have never been able to turn a blind eye to....

It's not just speeding SUV's that you have to watch out for.....curiosity can be equally dangerous for it's the truck that appears to be the real problem...but in reality....if it weren't for curiosity you'd have never found yourself on the road in the first place.

I just may be insane....

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Benjamin Franklin

If I look back at all the relationships I've had I always see myself as a failure. Whether it's true or not, I don't know....but I always feel that
way.

For some reason, I always love those, who for whatever reason, they can't ever "really" love me back as wholeheartedly as I proclaim to love them.

I love people who are screwed up, I love people who have been hurt, I love those in turmoil.

Is it the classic...."I want to save them syndrome" you ask? I don't believe it is. I think it's a combination of things really. One, I think it's safer to love dysfunctionally....it makes me seem like the normal one. Two, I don't have the slightest idea as to what normal is...and I'm afraid if I were to find it, I'd be terribly unsatisfied with it.

Tonight I got to thinking....about my cat. My cat that I literally had to boot outdoors last week for reasons I've previously mentioned. When she was with me, she longingly peered out the window, examining and wishing to be a part of the outside world. Tonight, she stood on the roof outside my window and peered in, wishing that she could get back in. A year ago, this would have been my analogy for relationships. When you are in one, you look outside of it and wonder what you are missing...and when out of it, you only want back in. That would have been me, one year ago today....wanting out....longingly wanting something MORE....something....real.

Well, I'm out...more out than a year ago I could have even imagined I'd be. Surprisingly I don't want back in. I don't want to repeat the same pattern over and over again. I don't want to date the same kind of guy just dressed up in a different looking package expecting different results...for it's insanity to think things would be different.

Tell me if you think this is totally petty....last week, a guy that has been showing quite a bit of interest in me stopped by to say hello. We were talking and whatnot....and he commented on all the various books I have in my apartment and he asked me...."Do you actually read for entertainment?" and I said, "Why yes...as a matter of fact I do quite often." He then replied with "I haven't read a book for enjoyment since high school...and even then it there wasn't much enjoyment gotten out of it" I immediately was turned off. He sat there looking at me as if there was something wrong with ME for wasting my time with my nose in a book. I sat there watching the spark between us fizzle out and then smoulder a little.

When I decided that I was leaving Keith....I thought to myself long and hard about the kind of guy that I COULD be in a relationship with....because obviously....I haven't done well in my endeavors thus far......one of the things I said that I wanted was someone who not only could read, but one who willingly would do so. I don't know why this was of utmost importance to me....I think because reading takes imagination. Reading is an indicator that an imagination exists. For an author can paint a picture with their words, but if you don't have the imagination to make those words come to life....you don't have what it takes to interest me indefinitely. I'm one who writes...how could someone who refuses to read be a match for me? Does this mean I'm a snob and think I'm smarter than everyone else...God I hope it doesn't come off that way....but as humans...it's so important to not just live...but to be ALIVE.

If you stop learning....you die. If you stop imagining, you die. You can't love or live fully without imagination and a thirst for life. I want someone to live with, not someone to die with.

I would rather LIVE with someone for five minutes and love them for two, then spend all of eternity with someone who's feet are firmly planted in the ground....standing silently still.

I guess maybe I'm not the kind of girl who can just go quietly into the night....quietly settle into my life....I just feel that there's got to be more to it than that....because if all that is out there left for me to do...is all that has already been done before....then really....what's the point?

_________________________________________________

CLARIFICATION: For the record I do NOT think that people who don't read for entertainment aren't creative or imaginative....there are great minds who are imaginative and brilliant who choose to not cloud their minds with silly stories and the like....but I like people with stories. I could care less if you could explain to me the complexities of a nuclear bomb, or how to re-build a transmission. I mean sure...I'd intently listen as it was explained to me, and I'd be smarter for engaging in the conversation, but in time....I'd forget about it....but a good story...you never forget.

All I'm saying is.....the kind of mind it takes to keep me enchanted isn't a mechanical one, it's well versed in many subjects. You can be intelligent without being imaginative, you can be brilliant without a stitch of personality....

The point is....whether they read for enjoyment or not isn't a prerequisite to my heart....it's just an indicator when learning about what kind of person someone is......the whole "not reading" thing with the guy who wants to date me.....it's not the ONLY reason I have my doubts about him....it's one of many.

Now....if this makes me shallow and narrow-minded as it has been suggested in the comments section of this post that I am.....then so be it. I didn't write this to impress or offend anyone. Take it, leave it...it really doesn't matter!

Apparently....I was unforgettable....

When I was a kid, I spent every summer guiding riders on the horse trails around our home/farm. I worked for Woods & Waters Campgrounds & Nature Park...as it was called back then. Well, I did more than work there...I lived and breathed there, I grew up there and had just about every experience there...from first kisses, to learning to ride a bike, I fell off horses, was injured and even had my first feelings of love and total loss all upon the grounds known to so many as THE place to spend your summers.

I think I was a pretty cute kid....I mean..look at me..pigtails, mischievous smile, redheaded and oh so freaking talkative...my mom says that everyone would request to have me be their guide. I started out on the trails when I was only four or five. My mom would let me be a "back-up" guide which meant, she would allow me to bring up the rear. By the time I was seven, I would take the customers out by myself. By the time I was ten...I had regulars that would request to have me take them out every time. I loved it....the people I would meet, the conversations we'd have....I learned so many things through the people I would spend my day with. I met Doctors and Lawyers, school teachers and housewives.....they were interesting and for some odd reason, they found me as interesting as I thought that they were. I laugh to myself to think about what I could possibly talk about with all those adults...each ride was an hour and my mom said, that I never shut up....what DOES an 8-10 year old have to talk about that kept those people coming back time and time again? I think I might be embarrassed now to know of all the things I've probably told people.

Looking back on it now...I wonder how my mother could have reasoned to herself that it was perfectly natural for a little kid to be responsible and mature enough to handle the day to day operations of a actual business...but business was good, and I learned very early how to not only do my job, but to do it with pride and enjoyment...all while making sure that each and every person who went for a ride with me, left satisfied and wanting to return. And ya'll wonder why I'm such a people person....I don't know how to be any other way.

Of course, it was easy to like your job when your job has you riding on the back of a horse all day...horses were my life back then....I spent my entire day with them, I fed them, groomed them, doctored them when they were injured and even helped birth the foals they would produce. I was as much as their everything as they were mine.

Last week I got a message on my myspace site. I'm going to post it here because it's the inspiration to my post:

Hello there Heather how have you been doing these
last 20 some odd years.You may not remember me but I do remember you when you ,my brother, ******** and I used to go horse back riding out there at woods and waters when we all used to vacation out there every year. Just to see if you
remember,what we did to ***** when he was riding the horse and you slapped the horse on the ass and made him run just as hard as he could. ***** was sore for 2 days after that. If you remember great if you don't that's OK too!I just seen that you was on here and I did remember. I would like to tell now what i should have told you then. You look damn good now just as well as you did back then. Well you
have a good day and hope you have a better tomorrow

Sincerely

********

Getting an email such as this....well it just made me realize, that although, I don't remember every rider I ever took out....because there were just so many....that there may be a lot of people who remember ME. Kind of scary actually....especially after receiving this email and realizing that I might have been a little shit back then...smacking horses on the ass and making them run...which I'm sure I thought was hilarious knowing me.....****** was a classmate of mine, so I probably figured I could afford to pick on him a bit since I knew him....but still, it's been twenty years...20 freaking years and there are people out there who remember the little redheaded girl who took them for horse rides. I'm just in awe of this.

Everybody wants to be remembered for something....and if this is what I will ultimately be remembered for....well, that'll be alright with me.

Old Habits Die Hard:

Went to the grocery store today.....in preparation for the ice storm that is on it's way. I was out of milk, peanut butter & bread, so that pretty much means I had zero food...again.

Today is sunny...breezy...and not warm....but the sun has me smiling in anticipation of spring and all the glorious green that will surely spring up once more upon it's arrival. I revel in sunshine, it's warmth and familiarity, it lights me up from the outside in. I'm not one to see myself as a real beauty by any means....but when the sun shines down upon me, the thing I love the most is the way it transforms my dull winter hair into a glorious, golden reddish color that reminds me of my childhood....the happy times of my youth.

I've been divorced now for two and a half days and separated going on seven months....and yet I still reach for his favorites products instinctively on the shelves as I pass at the grocery store. It seems wierd not to buy them....but I stop at a reach. I find myself pulling my hand back towards my body and I shake my head at my attempt to once more buy for someone from the past. For he's offically, legally a part of my past now.

Eventually there will come a day, when I stop reaching....I just hope that when that day comes....it's someone else I'm reaching for....

It's Cheesy...yes it is...

You know what I just love? I love it when you find food in your refrigerator that you didn't know you had.

As I was making yet another grilled cheese sandwich for dinner (my third day in a row)...I stumbled across a container of cottage cheese....and I nearly wet my pants with delight!

Grilled Cheese, Cottage Cheese...and Nacho Cheese flavored Doritos are on the menu here tonight...which only means one thing....I need to freaking get to the gym!

~hl~

D-Day

This morning I awoke... tired from a night of tossing and turning..... naturally I couldn't sleep.

I regretfully swung my legs out from under my warm blankets and put my bare feet onto the floor.

I sat there with a sinking feeling in my stomach...with the want to vomit as a result of said feeling.

I reluctantly got into the shower....and then back out. Went to the closet....pulled out every suitable outfit I could find and began the infamous trying on of everything you own, only to plop down on the bed and say to yourself "I have NOTHING to wear!" In the end, I settled on the brown slacks, pale pinkish colored top with a brown little cardigan over top. I took extra care in make-up application and hair styling. I left my apartment for the last time as Heather S....knowing that when I returned home, I would be Heather O. again.

The morning went by quickly....I was nervous and fidgety. My mouth was dry...and I found myself gulping down an entire coke before 9:00 a.m. I rarely drink soda in the morning...but this day it was as if every drop was going to make the difference on whether I'd make it through the day.

When the clock showed twenty-til-ten, my boss says to me...."well, are you ready to do this?" I stared blankly back at him....wishing he'd say, "blink twice for yes, once for no!" I gathered my things and headed for the parking lot.

I arrived in front of the courthouse...the view in the picture above looks as if it were taking from the very spot that I parked. As I made my way to the over sized doors that mark the historic Courthouse's entrance....the wind whipped around me, tossing my hair in every direction...so much for looking the part of the "got-it-together confident soon to be divorcee"!

I sat on the wooden benches outside the courtroom door and waited for my boss/attorney to come to my lonely rescue. It wasn't long before Keith appeared walking up the steps accompanied by his brother...for moral support I suppose....this brother who will be all to happy to see me shed my married name and officially become unrelated to him once again.

Keith nervously chatted with me about his dentistry work he's been having done....and looked relieved when my boss Keith called to me and showed me into the courtroom.

The judge came in, we raised our right hands....questions were asked, and notes were taken....and nine minutes later, I had made it down three flights of stairs and across the courtyard and was sitting back in my car. Nine whole minutes....to undo six years of marriage.

Now...at the close of the day that I thought was going to be one of the worst days of my life...I am actually quite fine. I didn't cry...I didn't crawl into the fetal position and try to revert to happier times in my life....I sit here and well...I feel okay. Surprisingly okay.

Twas the night before divorce and all through the room
Not a creature was a stirring, the end coming soon
The stockings I wore today lay on the floor
Too indifferent to pick them up and put them in the drawer

The Kitty is outside, making herself a new bed
While the vision of evaporating piss on the furnace danced in my head
And Mamma went to court today….my turn tomorrow
It’s my turn in court now, it’s my turn for sorrow

Out on the lawn, I passed time shoveling snow
I did it methodically for how long I don’t know
I didn’t stop there, I even shoveled for the neighbor
Even though I know, he won’t return the favor

The moon has appeared and lights up the snow
It gives the luster of mid-day to objects below
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a vision of myself peering back from the mirror

The look on my face was crystal clear
I knew in a moment that what I saw was fear
More rapid than eagles the tears multiplied
I said to myself, I’m not going to cry.

Now Damnit, Now Damnit pull yourself together
We will make it through this stormiest of weather
Now I will change my clothes and make my way to So Chic
To get my hair cut and eye brows tweaked.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
I changed my clothes and let out a sigh
I’ll walk in there tomorrow and let the world know
Divorce does not define me, I can let this shit go.

Directions Please:

"I think that's always been my problem....I never know where I'm going, until I find myself there"

Tonight someone asked me: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

And I was at a loss for words. ME...Yes ME....at a loss for words.

Do people really have an answer for this question? Am I the only person who hasn't a clue? Has no plan?

I wish I was the kind of person who had direction....a plan....a destiny. The kind of person that happens to life, not the kind that lets life happen to them.

And it's not like I've just taken a wrong turn off the beaten path....I've never had a path....I've never had a course...and although I don't regret much that has happened thus far, everything seems to be more by chance than by choice with me. If I meet someone amazing...it's always a chance meeting, a fluke that I see as a "sign"....if I get "the Job"...it was just the luck of the draw....the timing was right and it just fit.....This makes me wonder if I'm the classic underachiever.

sorry, I'm still stuck on the whole....more by chance than choice......thing.

I have GOT to figure this out....otherwise....where the hell WILL I be in five years?????

~hl~

Hot at 29

Today, I awoke with quite the hangover.... ah...don't you just like the day after your birthday....

I drug myself out of bed, my hair a mess...and I realized that my book was overdue at the Library. So I decided, I'd just run over there real quick and re-check it out. I threw a hooded sweatshirt on over my tank top and slipped out of my slippers and into some running shoes. Left the pj pants on and out the door I went. On my way over there, as I crossed second street, a teenage boy leaned out his window, whistled at me and said...Hey baby...you're hot!

I'm not someone who necessarily likes to be referred to as "Baby".....and at the moment I was in my pajamas and wearing a sock hat and without a stitch of make-up. So I just smiled and said to him, "Thanks!"

So here's what I'm thinking....either the pickings in Delphos are so slim, that me in the state I was in was still pretty good compared to what's out there....or 29 looks good on me!! *wink*

I'm 99.9% sure it's just slim pickings...and there aren't a lot of girls walking around in the snow in February.....So I'll conduct this experiment this summer when it's warmer...and we'll see if I get the same results.

You know me...all about the science of life....experimentation is key.....

{to be continued............}

I'm twenty-nine and the stop light outside my window goes blinkity-blink. Red, yellow, red, yellow....and red, yellow again.

My head is cloudy...alcohol is in full effect.

I hate my cat..she destroyed a roll of toilet paper again...it looks as if it snowed in my living room with particles of white fluffy softness covering every surface.

My arms feel heavy...my eyes are floating in my head and my birthday has ended. I just noticed that I can't feel my lips...that's strange.

I entertained my first guests at my apartment....god the familiarity of it was soothing. I must be drunk for I want to lay on the floor right now and feel the grain of the carpet on my face....

When I write under the influence....I always look forward to reading what I wrote the next day...for it's as if reading my own words for the first time.

You know it may be irresponsible to write under the influence..but...I'm curious as to what I'm capable of keeping secret. Tempting myself....whatever could I confess.....Now's my chance...write it all...no holds barred....but no, I bite my tongue and I will sleep off my liquid courage. What secrets do I possibly have to share anyway....none...that's right...none.

My judgement is cloudy..but I kept my promise...I didn't drive my car. Nor will I. My boss would be proud of me if he knew that I made it home safe and sound...and alone....as usual.

Goodnight All.....

~hl~

Love from both perspectives:

THE PESSIMIST

That deep red rose - I see its thorn.
I just ignore the scent that's borne.
To me it's nothing. I deplore
Those scratches that I got before.
I just complain about the pain.
A lot I think of beauty's gain!

THE OPTIMIST
That deep red rose I see;
It's thorn I just ignore.

Espy, Willard R. An Almanac of Words at Play. New York, Clarkson N. Potter, Inc./Publisher 1975

The Eve of My Anniversary of Life:

It's 10:30 p.m. on a Thursday....and in an hour and a half, It'll be my birthday. I don't know why exactly, but I'm pumped about it.

You ever see it when they try to stuff a bunch of people in a phone booth, or Volkswagen...well tomorrow I'm going to attempt to do that in my apartment. Occupancy can't be over ten...but damnit, I'm going to see just how many she'll hold.

I'm throwing myself a party....well, more like pizza and conversation....but you know....there will be food and drinks and people...party enough for me. I know it's absurd to have people over to my place seeing as it's so small...but....well....I used to always have people over and have get-to-gethers at my house before....before I gave it all up to come here. I want this place to feel more like home, I want it to be a place friends gather, and people stop by just to say hi. I don't want this to be just where my stuff is, ya know?!? Is it stupid to think that?

I'm not a big planner....I just never have been, I'm more of a wing it kind of girl...and I realized this even more tonight when Rachel asked...should we bring our own drinks? And I was like...um....ummm.....I hadn't thought of that...I mean, I would have tomorrow, but I hadn't thought of it yet. So tomorrow, I suppose I'll be purchasing some beverages!

Tonight, I bought myself something I almost would never buy....I bought black leather pumps with like four inch heels....and a purse....I never buy purses. Ask my sister Brooke, I totally steel all of hers.

It's 11:00 p.m.....only an hour to go. I apologize for the insane rambling of this post, but my mind is in one hundred different places...and all of them are happy places.

I've never been twenty-nine before.

Shit...I've got to get cleaning...I can't have guests over like this....okay....I must go!

*big smile....actually...a big toothy one*

~hl~

A Girl...an hour and a shovel....

The sun has emerged..the snow has stopped falling, the wind has died down and look at all the snow I shoveled!

For a girl....I can shovel the shit out of some snow now.....

Being single sucks when it comes to things like this...but you gain a certain amount of confidence when you need something, and you are actually capable of doing it all by yourself....well I wasn't all by myself...my neighbor watched from his porch while he smoked cigarettes. But I don't actually count him...afer all, he thinks I'm a lesbian.

I don't suppose the particular outfit I was shoveling in (a black motorcycle hooded sweatshirt, camouflage pants and big black army boots) did much to change his opinion of me either!

Oh well, I don't really much care what he thinks anyways!

Blizzard 07' - The Beginning

The View of the storm from my window......
Had to get the ice sickle in the picture


My poor little car....getting snowed in...I need a shovel!
Okay...borrowed the neighbor's shovel...and it took forever to dig my way out of the snow drift I was in.....

Just across the street and barely visable.

My boss called....guess who's getting a snow day tomorrow....

Just Friends:

He and I...we're friends.

He sent red roses....and I smile.

I try to keep my distance, yet he's like fucking gravity....how do you resist what is natural?

He's like a hunger pang within your stomach....sometimes it hurts a little to have them...but it's nature's way of reminding you #1 that you are alive and #2 to take care of yourself.

I will greatly miss him when he goes....for his friendship has been a surprisingly valued one.

xx

~hl~

Sent Home From Work:

It's the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday....I'm home, wearing sweatpants and a pretty blouse. The sounds of John Mayer pouring out of my computer speakers and the smell of roses is in the air.

There's a blizzard outside my window and I have no where to be, and no shovel to get me anywhere anyways.

My cat is a sleep on the couch...she's been looking at me all day as if to say "Why aren't you at work!!"

I got flowers delivered to me....one bouquet at work, one at home. Peruvian Lilies and Red Roses. They instantly put me in a better mood.

My Divorce was canceled due to weather. Just my luck.

You know I was feeling pretty down and out yesterday....I toughed it out the first part of the day....but I kind of felt that at any minute I could burst into tears...While working out with Steph said I looked that way too. Once the darkness set in and there was no one around to see me lose it.....I cried in my car alone, I cried in my room, I cried on the stairs...and even in the Kitchen. I think I'd been saving up those tears for awhile. It just seemed that everything was going wrong....first the whole divorce thing....then the blizzard....knowing that I probably won't do anything for my birthday because I'll be snowed in and unable to leave my apartment....then throw in my period and the fact that those bastards (the makers of ThermaSilk) discontinued my favorite shampoo, conditioner and styling products. Don't they know that I could NOT have walked into a courtroom bloated AND having a bad hair day? Seriously...a girl relies on so little in this world...but one thing she counts on is seeing her product there on the shelf at the local market....reminding her that when the world goes to shit....her hair still will look fabulous. Without that...how's a girl to survive the worst of the worst that's bound to happen to her? Seriously though......

Today...the unexpected acts of kindness that I received....well....it made all of that shit just blow away in the 45 mph wind gusts just outside my door. I don't know how I ever got so lucky to have the friends that I do. Without them....I'd surely be lost.

Thank you guys.....so much....for everything you have done for me, every tear you've wiped away...every insecurity you've had to talk me through.....every shoulder, roof, and meal you've offered me. I don't care much about having a lot of money....or the greatest job....I don't think any of that matters...what matters to me are those people around me that make up the stories of my life. Those people I write about, share with, laugh with, love with, touch and grow with. Life isn't about what you have....it's about connection....it's about the people who you spend the greatest gift of all with.....the greatest gift of all being TIME...whether it's a day, a minute, hour or split second...my life has been greatly enriched by the characters in a little story known as MINE.

Crying Eyes:

Tonight my eyes are burning....

from tears shed earlier

They sting out of loss and out of pain

Somehow I know things will never be the same again....

Sometimes it's the right choice that breaks your heart

Even with all the support in the world you can't help it, you fall apart

And damnit things are never what they seem...

You think you know...and poof they disappear like a bad dream

I want to crawl into bed

pull the covers over my head

and not crawl back out again until spring.

{This wasn't meant to be a poem...it is what it is....don't critique...it's just not worth your effort.}

Dating after a Divorce:

Last week I was asked out by someone whom made me actually stop and consider saying yes. Which up to this point hasn't happened before. The idea of the whole dating thing....it just doesn't sound like anything I want to do. Granted, I'd like to find someone to spend time with....maybe even be intimate with...however...DATING....who actually WANTS to deal with it?

Awkward first kisses....awkward kisses you wish you could avoid....getting picked up at seven...having a stranger watch you eat your dinner....being nervous......saying things like "I'm really tired or I would invite you up...."

One thing that I'm notorious for in this life is leaving the door open with relationships. I don't know any old boyfriend of mine that wouldn't come up to me and talk to me if they saw me out.....oh, wait, I know one...THE ONE....but we aren't talking about him right now....so lets just say for the most part, I'm one of those girls that you could date and for whatever reason....stop seeing....but weeks or months later, you feel perfectly confident to call up and just see what they've been up to. I'm not sure what it is about me that makes this possible....but I think it has something to do with comfort. I've been told that people just feel really comfortable around me. I also think it's why relationships in my life come and go...because nobody is ever afraid they will ever lose me....Keith thought he'd never lose me....and well we all know how that turned out.

There are girls out there who are so beautiful that they make your palms sweat, they have guys falling at their feet, fawning over them and buying them drinks at the bar...guys bring flowers to dates with girls like this...go to the door to pick them up......they clean their car out to impress a beautiful girl...

Me on the other hand last week the guy who bought me a drink had no teeth and was 20+ years older than I. Guys don't bring me flowers....they bring me ham.....they drive up to the curb and honk their horn to let me know they are there....and I have to kick soda cans out of the way before stepping into the vehicle. Not that any of this really matters....I'm just not one of those girls that guy feel painfully obligated to go all out for.

BUT if I like a guy.....I AM the girl that makes the guy feel like he's the only guy in the room when he's out on a date with me, I'm the girl that will listen to countless stories about boring "guy" things that guys LOVE to talk about and I'll never show the least bit of boredom. I'm the girl that if you wake up next to could lure you into a massive pillow fight before breakfast that would quickly turn into a morning romp in the sack. I'm the girl that says....I love your dirty biker friends...you should invite them over for cards this weekend.

The way I see it....I'm 50% ready to be in a relationship.....but 50% isn't a great starting point. 50% leaves a lot of room for disaster. Do you know anyone who wants to be in a 1/2 of a relationship? Someone who won't want to marry me....someone who I can spend time with, but who also has a life of their own....Someone who'll call me on my birthday, yet doesn't expect me to take on "titles" like: girlfriend? So basically I'm looking for someone like me...someone who's 50% fucked up too. Someone recently hurt, someone who understands what it's like not to be able to fully commit to anyone else because of it....and someone who's company I enjoy.

So I have a decision to make....do I open the door to the possibility of someone new...or do I wait until percentages improve?

Under the Weather:

For the last few days...I've been fighting some sort of illness. Sneezing, coughing....headaches, body aches....and the last symptom...I'm not even going into detail about....I spent most of the weekend in bed. I felt like I did when I was a teenager...hanging out in my room...sitting on my bed. You know how it was then, when your room was all the space in the world that belonged to you....and it was perfectly natural to spend hours upon hours hiding out in "your room".

Yesterday I went shopping for a little while with my mom....it was nice to see her...it's been awhile. I missed her...plus she let me borrow her John Mayer CD which I've been dying to have so it was well worth the drive over to Lima to hang with her for a bit.

Sickness does have it's benefits however....in the last week, between Stephanie working me out like a mad woman....and also not feeling well, I lost seven pounds.

Tonight....in preparation of my impending Valentines Day Divorce....I bought lingerie. Now I know what you are thinking....WHAT??!!?? But listen...it's black and red lace....really sexy! Granted I don't have a boyfriend or lover to spend the international day of love with...but damn it, I'll look sexy hanging out by myself if I must. Steph says a girl should always have a pair of sexy panties on....it just makes you feel like a desirable woman, even if you are alone...so I figured, what the hell, I'll give it a shot....what have I got to lose? I'm wearing the camasole top portion of the little sexy number now...and I've got to tell you...I do feel kind of hot! Of course it's freezing in my apartment...so I'm going to have to throw a hooded sweatshirt or something on over it...but for like 10 seconds...I looked pretty darn good if I do say so myself. And yes...I'm PAINFULLY aware of how much this last paragraph indicates how much of a total dork I really am!!! Just keep it to yourselves eh?!?

Oh, also....I want to give a BIG shout out to Mary...my new reader! She's my sister's roomate....so everyone, say Hello to Mary!!

Okay...I'm starting to feel weak again....I'm going to blow my nose, pop some pills and then I'm taking my sexy butt to bed! *laughs to myself*

Goodnight all....

~hl~

Thursday Rushing:

Today was to be a usual Thursday....wake up, shower, go to work, go to Steph's, eat dinner...something delicious as usual, then watch Grey's Anatomy and then home, read my book while drinking a cup of tea, brush my teeth and go to sleep.

In a lot of ways....the routine fell into place as usual....but it just seemed like I was running late to each new event....I just couldn't get to where I was going and I couldn't get there fast enough.

I woke up fifteen minutes late...probably because I stayed up until three in the morning the night prior....which had me rushing through my shower as opposed to savoring the hot and steamy ritual, I had to drink my glass of morning skim milk while blow drying my hair...which makes the milk get warm really fast.....which grosses me out! Walked out the door five minutes behind schedule....drove like hell to work...put my make-up on while driving...while peering through a tiny little spot that didn't have frost on it since I didn't have time to defrost/scrape my windshield...and all the while I'm speeding.

Once at work I realized that my files were stacking up and new work was arriving steadily...so I tried to make busy...however figuring the pro-rated taxes for one of my five parcel real estate closings literally about pushed me over the edge....for ya'll know I'm far from being a math genius.

Before I knew it, I looked at the clock and it was 4:30...quitting time and I was nowhere near where I wanted to be...so I stayed until five trying to catch up.

Once home, I was to change my clothes and head to Steph's, but I get a call from Keith which had me covering all sorts of issues from his new girlfriend, to how I single handedly fucked his dad over (which I totally didn't), to home refinancing, legal clauses and deadlines....and an hour later, I was late for dinner with Steph and the kids....and still wearing the grey pinstriped slacks and white sweater combo I wore to work.

I finally made it to Steph's far behind my normal arrival time....she warmed up my food in the microwave and I for the first time all day, relaxed a bit.

I'm starting to get nervous.....the days seem to fly by with each day that brings me closer to the final day of my married life. He's dating again....dating! I have turned down every date that I've been offered....and he's back out there....and not just having random meaningless hookups with people...he's DATING....ONE girl. He must be healthier than I am. I'm not so much jealous of his new female friend as I am his willingness to be in another relationship. Just saying relationship has a way of making goosebumps break out on my legs.....like...to be in one....a real one.....is just unfathomable.

A lot has happened this week....a week full of unexpected visitors, cat piss, dreaded phone calls, unwanted disclosures, insecurities about where I stand with people, a dating proposal, peanut butter sandwiches and one personal trainer who was bound and determined to make me so physically fit I could join the military by tomorrow.

My muscles ache, my eyebrows need waxed and I haven't quit smoking yet.

I guess today....was no different than life...we all know we should be getting somewhere....going somewhere....doing something.....but there's always distractions.....holdups that keep us from getting to where we need to be when we want to be there. We rush and race clawing our way....but some things...well you just can't rush.....I'd love to have two long gangly arms wrapped around me in a loving embrace right now...however....there's no way to rush that along. I want to be back to where I was financially....but again..it takes time. I want to know that I'll bounce back from the events of this year's loss in love and life.....but healing occurs at it's own pace....we just don't get a say in it. Patience....they say it's a virtue however....on days like today....it just sucks!

My tea is piping hot...I'm ready to park this tired body in between my sheets.

Goodnight....

~hl~

Recent Conversationalist Observations:

He said:

That I'm "Chick-like" ....I'm passive agressive AND chick-like.

So I say to him: "Um, I don't know if you are aware of this....but I AM in fact a girl!"

Since when did being a girl....besides when throwing a ball like one....become such a bad thing?

Separated at Birth?

My friend Alex seems to think that I have a striking resemblence to Karen, booze drinking, pill popping...big breasted Karen. Although...all of that aside..I don't take it exactly like a insult....kind of a twisted compliment....one that only someone quirky could truly appreciate.

What do you think?

The scary thing is...Alex is not the first person to tell me that I remind them of her....

I wish I'd have never asked!!!

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are having a conversation with someone and you ask them a question you fear the answer to....and when they start to begin with their answer....you suddenly realize that every fear about this very moment is about to come to pass....before they can even spit out the entire word, you..in your head are screaming NO DON'T SAY IT, DON'T SAY IT, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!

And then WHAM, like someone slapped you upside the back of your head with a dictionary....you head goes all blurry and the room and everything in it seems to be in slow motion with the words said, the words you feared most floating in the air almost taunting you to allow them to sink in.

See I always knew the truth....well, I think on some level I always did, but to have your fears confirmed and in a way you NEVER could have imagined....well it sets your evening into a tailspin of darkness.

As I left Steph's.....she said, "Well, what are you going to do now?" I replied with...."Go home and drown myself in booze and the bathtub! Goodnight Steph!"

So....goodnight.

~hl~