Today I decided to get some fresh air.

I packed a satchel with a bottle of water, a granola bar, my camera, cigarettes, lighter, some cash and gum and headed out the door.

I finally got some sleep last night so I was feeling up to getting out..plus the weather was absolutely phenomenal, so I couldn't resist.

I slipped on my sneakers, placed my sunglasses on my nose and out the door I went. First stop the library to return my two overdue books, then it was off to where ever the Delphos wind would blow me.

I spent four hours about my town, snapping pictures and enjoying the day. It was fun and relaxing and I came home to find myself amazingly at peace with myself.

Anyway....started a new blog to host my photography. So for anyone who's interested here's the link if you want to check it out.

http://heatherlynnsphotoblog.blogspot.com/

I'm going to Ft. Amanda Park tomorrow to snap some more....so check back for the updates then.

Hope ya'll are having a good weekend.

Sunshine & Smiles,

~hl~

Change & Self Evaluations:

Something has shifted.

A prospect appears....while another slips away.

The lightning was distracting, the thunder deafening and the phone never stopped ringing.

I baked something today....I never bake.

It's rained for two days....and I have insomnia....AGAIN.

I went to the store and bought sleep aid medication and sugarless gum. I felt like the cashier knew too much about me by my purchase....it felt intrusive when she told me to have a good night's sleep....like she knew me or something.

Tomorrow is Friday and I have new jeans and panties to wear.....maybe I don't look all that great on the inside, but my outside will fool everyone. I'll have the appearance of being well rested and wrinkle free...but my soul is weary and I have a lot of wrinkles to iron out.

Two weeks ago, I didn't own an iron....my mom gave me one. Maybe problem solving isn't always about having all the answers....it's about having the right tools.

What If:

What if there was no such thing as forever......

What if someone told you that love was a time sensitive thing....and that you'd have at best a year to love someone.

Imagine with me if you will that all love...had a year's time expiration date.

Would you still do it? Knowing that you only have that brief period of time to experience it, to revel in it? Knowing that in exactly one year from the day you fall into it, that it would be taken away and you'd be left to suffer the worst kind of heartache.....Would you still do it?

My grandmother has a boyfriend. After my grandfather died in 2004, she met this guy named Ed. He's great, I wrote about him before....

(http://heatherlynns.blogspot.com/2006/04/angels-among-us.html)

Anyway....he's the sweetest, kindest gentlemen a girl could ever hope to stumble upon. And that's exactly what my grandmother did. She met him, she fell in love with him and even went so far as to make him her full-time companion by asking him to move in with her. I've often thought, how wonderful to find love again....how encouraging to know that even after the love she had for my grandfather....she still had more living and loving left to do. But Ed's no spring chicken, he's twenty years older than she is (in his 90's) and currently had to go into a nursing home for extended care after his most recent surgery. His health is failing, his time drawing near.....and my Grandmother.....she's just falling apart without him.

Tonight I was driving home from work and got to thinking about it....if everyone knew that their days in love were numbered, would they still so eagerly fall for that special someone? Would we be more guarded with our hearts?

Here's what I think....now I can't speak for everyone here, but I can speak from MY heart, and my heart tells me....YES. I'd still do it. Even love on limited time is worth having....when it's the real thing. I've done it, I've fallen for people I knew would not be mine forever.....forever being such a fluid term....but I like to think that the people I've fallen for....they were so worth it. I've never regretted it, even as much as it hurt to lose them.

It's never easy to see someone you care about, about to lose the thing that means the most in the world to them. It's heartbreaking to know that my grandmother is not going to lose one great love, she's going to lose two.

But there's a great deal of honor to be found in the fact that Ed has spent the last years of his life in love, surrounded by a family that although is not blood related....loves him like if he were. The amount of grief sustained by his loss hopefully will be overshadowed by the honor of his memory and his sheepish smile.

I have no doubt, even through the tears and the sobs, if you asked my grandmother today if she'd do it all over again if given the choice....she'd solemnly say "how could I not?"

Let's Talk About Sex:

Once upon a time in this very blog, I wrote a little piece about "Does Size Matter?" ....and got very, very mixed results. People were shocked and appalled by my lack of integrity and my over abundance in honesty. I've shied from the subject since....but in an attempt to NOT be such a people pleaser, as I'm often accusing myself of being....I'm going to write this.....so, STOP READING RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING....!!! I MEAN IT....STEP AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER IMMEDIATELY!!!

Okay....now for the two of you who are still with me...let us continue....right this way please...yes, this dark corner of shame shall do nicely....

So the worst part about being single is not having sex. I recently heard a statistic that 77% of marriages are sexless ones. I've dated guys who have told me about their past girlfriends....and described them as frigid, uninterested in being sexual....I've heard rumors of girls who refuse to perform acts of the oral nature...all of this has me going......

"WHAT??!!??" "Seriously??!!??"

So who are these women....and why don't they enjoy one of the greatest splendid acts ever known to man...OR WOman? I've been interested in sex since.....like....forever. I've sang along to songs written about it, I've longed to replay those super steamy scenarios that you believe could only happen in the movies in my own sexual life.....(Not porn either....I'm classier than that....scenes like when Diane Lane has sex with that Olivo Martinez in "Unfaithful" in the stairwell of his apartment building....), sex is one of the most talked about things on the planet...people who aren't getting it...want it, dream of it....watch movies like Unfaithful until their DVD player literally gives up and stops working....what? I'm not saying that "I" do that...I'm just saying....

*composing myself once again*

And recently I discovered that these rumors, these urban legends of sexless women...well....they ARE true...and I know this because I heard it straight from the horses mouth...aka my friend "L".

"L" is a beautiful, smart, educated, funny, outgoing redhead. She's driven and proven time and time again to be a real survivor. One of those people, man, nothing gets them down and keeps them there for long....always fighting, ready and hell, she's friendly and hospitable too. Did I mention she's a heck of a cook? I mean, if I were a man, Christ I'd be on one knee proposing to her myself. Anyway....a few months back we were chatting it up...one of our usual sporadic three hour long conversations that happen about every 5 months or so. I ask her if she's seeing anyone...she says "No." as she always does and I ask her, "L, when are you going to get back out there? How long has it been anyways?" She tells me, "well Heather...I haven't been with a man since my husband." I instinctively ask..."How long has THAT been?" She says, "Five years!"

In my mind I was thinking....HOLD THE PHONE, STOP THE PRESSES.....FIVE F*CKING YEARS? ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE?????? Like a handful of fingers, 5?

Of course, I compose myself and ask her some not so harsh questions about why she's waiting, and what precisely is she waiting for? Trying not to sound a-gasp as I was so rudely in my head only moments before....and she goes on to tell me that she doesn't need a man, she finds no joy in putting up with their immature bullshit, controlling behavior, over stepping and assholish ways. When I asked her..."well what about sex, don't you miss it?" she says to me, "I've got a vibrator....and frankly, I get exactly what I want without any of the hassle." She tries to sounds non-bitter, calm, cool and collected...but I sensed the hurt that brought her to this path of no men, no sex.

L's husband left her....cheated on her and left her with nothing....well, not nothing...he left her with their four, that's right, FOUR beautiful children. She found out he was having an affair when he would tell her he needed to go and purchase "office Supplies" on weeknights....when really he was banging a girl from work....so I suppose "office Supplies" seemed rather fitting for him to use as his cover story. After all it was work-related.

The idea of perfectly wonderful L never being with a man again really hit me....after all, she's so many wonderful things and a fellow redhead to boot, I had nightmares for a week about my fate of a future with no sex, a bottom night stand drawer filled with all the latest models of things that vibrate, rotate and others that are described as "very lifelike"......to me it was unsettling.

The idea of never having another man in my bed shook me to my core. Not just because of the sex either....guys...yeah, they can be the biggest pain in the ass....but damnit if they are still the single most attractive thing to have around. Plus, there's just something about them...something that draws you to them like a moth to a flame....and it can be painful, brutally at times....but yet what is life without pain anyways. My friend Drew always tells me that we aren't put on this earth to be happy....and maybe he's right, profound pain can be as meaningful and life altering as the greatest moment of happiness. What's one without the other?

So....there I was last night watching television and found myself feeling a wee bit overly entertained by the latest Excedrin commercial...have you seen this...a guy with no shirt on, jogging....just a hot guy jogging, muscles all like, flexing and relaxing....and I'm not even really into muscular guys.... I had the thing on mute and didn't even know I was watching a commercial for pain medication until the very end.....If at 29 I'm at home getting turned on by an Excedrin commercial....how on earth do these other women do it?

Am "I" a freak of nature for missing the one thing I think is so natural and physically appeasing? "L" is not the only one either...I know others..... Maybe I spent too much time with the animals as a kid....Animals have zero couth when it comes to getting it on. They are unapologetic for it, they make no excuses and damnit if they don't get down to business....they honestly DO NOT care if Troop #42 of the Allen County Boy Scouts is watching or not....our zoo's monkey exhibit would come alive with sexual entertainment as soon as a crowd would gather...fucking exhibitionists!!

Anyway....this is getting nowhere....

To be continued.........

{One a side note: Does anyone know where I can get a new used DVD of "Unfaithful"? For my um, friend....uhhh.....Sue..yeah, Sue's her name.}

{If you liked this post and want to read about the one that got me in trouble in the first place, click here:

http://heatherlynns.blogspot.com/2006/03/does-size-really-matter.html)

Word of the Day:

Hello Kiddies....today's word of the day is.....

IRK

irk [ urk ] (past and past participle irked,
present participle irk·ing,
3rd person present singular irks)

transitive verb

Definition:

irritate somebody: to annoy somebody slightly, especially by being tedious
[14th century. Perhaps <>

Someone once told me they were irked with me....and I was like..what? me? No really, I probably deserved it...however, there's something very poignant when that feeling comes full circle and you not only know exactly how that person felt, but now that person has said something or done something to you allowing you to return the sentiment.

What is it about being mad at someone for the very first time that makes everything look different than it did before?

I don't want to be irked though....as it was so eloquently put to me before..."Life's too short"....and it really is.....so I'm moving on.....leaving irked about a mile behind...okay more like ten feet, but ten feet and gaining distance as I go.

Imus/Koreans

Okay so I've touched on some current events...thought I might as well continue on that path this afternoon....

So my friend David e-mailed me a little while ago and asked if I had heard that Koreans are worried about a American sentiment backlash in regards to the Korean people because of the events at Virginia Tech....as if every Korean had been secretly plotting to have the record for the largest U.S. Massacre on their hands or something. Of course, North Korea might like to use some nuclear weapons on us....I don't think they are going to take out the United States one College campus and 32 people at a time. Granted...terrorism is a grassroots effort...but I'm thinking its unrelated to this story. I suppose after what happened to the Arabs and Muslims after 911, I can't say as I blame them.....but the circumstances here and with 911 are entirely different on many levels, but people get worried when dealing with the masses....more so than any other time in the history of our country in my opinion, popular/mass approval dictates how things are handled.

Look at the Imus thing...he got fired....because the masses were unhappy...and when the masses are unhappy, SOMETHING HAS GOT TO BE DONE! I'm not saying he should or shouldn't have been fired...I'm definitely not saying his comment was the smartest most charming thing he ever said either....but I don't consider the decision to fire him my call to make, however the American people sometimes think that it is THEIR call in matters of public opinions held by celebrities and the like. Look what happened to the Dixie Chicks....Christ, talk about career suicide by use of verbiage. The real debate shouldn't be about his racist remarks...he's entitled to his opinion...he's been spewing them out for years it's what makes him who he is, you don't have to like it...but it is what it is nonetheless. The real debate in my eyes is, "what is acceptable on public radio and what isn't?" "Where should the line be drawn and who should be the one drawing the line?" The FCC? The public? Individual Radio Station Owners?

This may be totally politically incorrect on my part to bring up, but it made sense to me when I heard it.....a certain news anchor the other night said on his newscast...that if Chris Rock had made the same remark Imus had, it would have been funny and forgotten a minute later....Chris Rock...Funny.....Don Imus....Cranky racist. "The people" are fickle sometimes...and very unforgiving at others.

I think free speech is getting further and further from being actually free. However we are free to change the radio station are we not? We still have a say in that right?.....shit they didn't take that right away did they?.....hope I didn't leave it on that hip/hop channel before the new law came into effect....they play the same songs over and over again!!!

In the beginning....the masses were ruled by a few....now the masses rule everything. The reason our country's founding fathers suggested and created government and laws was in part to curb mob justice to establish order and stability to a very unstable environment...mostly it related to a way to establish a national form of money to allow for better trade and market...but in part it was related to the point I'm trying to make.....work with me people! *winks*

Back in the day, if you got enough people pissed off about the same thing, you lit some torches and took matters into your own hands.....it didn't matter if the people were misinformed, it didn't matter whether they were right or wrong...all that mattered is that there were a bunch of them all pissed about the same thing...and they had pitchforks and torches. They were a force to be reckoned with, however....it can be as dangerous as it is effective. Seeing the hidden danger to mob justice isn't always as easy as one might think.

So my rule of thumb...have your own views on things....don't believe everything you hear and when the mob starts forming be sure you know all the facts before grabbing a torch and running off into the night.

Being tarred and feathered and rode out of town on a rail seems to have died out along side of our pioneering rough and rowdy past, however how far have we really come?

~hl~

Killer Writings....

Okay...so about this whole Virginia Tech business.....I don't like to believe all the "he said/she said" business from peers and campus officials, so when I heard that some of the gunman's own writing samples were online, I immediately wanted to view them, ingest them and get a feeling about what kind of person makes headlines such as these. Writing can be a window into a writer's soul I've always believed.

His name was Cho Seung-Hui, and his two plays are entitled "Richard McBeef" and "Mr. Brownstone".

As someone who writes regularly, and has been in the habit of writing for most of my life...poems, short stories, etc.....I have never written like this and pain and anguish are strong motivators to my writing in the past....but when I tried to think back at the most disturbing times in my life, my darkest hours, and I've never been in a place where these sorts of things....pure hatred would spew out of me creatively like this. To hate so obviously...and through the means of a school project, without regard for those who would read it...I mean, lets just say for second that I was messed up like this kid was....I wouldn't advertise it to my peers by letting them see how my dark and twisted mind worked.....but see....the fact that I wouldn't indicates that I still have my sanity...because the sane thing would be to hide your insanity.....insane people can't tell the difference.

Hatred is the most profound feeling I derived from the plays...it instilled a certain amount of bone chilling-ness within me....and the immaturity of an displaced defiant teenager was so strong in his voice....angry........crude and vulgar........I'm left to wonder....because none of us will ever "really" know what goes through someones head just before they pull that trigger. Both of his plays have similar themes, both involving a struggle with an adult authority figure.....feeling repressed and rebellious against authority and a sense of not only of rebellion, but of revenge....getting back at "the man". Guess he sure showed us.....now he is dead and what have we gained? What lessons have we learned? Who is to blame?

It seems that whenever something like this happens, the world rushes to find reason....who's to blame, who messed this kid up to begin with...because we HAVE to believe that people aren't by nature evil, people are decent and civilized....people don't kill unless they are pushed to do so....maybe he watched too many violent movies...because it's what we need in order to feel safe in a world that produces some of the most unnerving evil. Nobody wants to believe their next door neighbor is the uni-bomber, their priest is a pedophile or that THEY could give birth to an Adolph Hitler...this shit just don't sit well with people!

If you haven't read the plays I've mentioned here and you want to, here's a link that should get you there - http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/virginia-tech-shooting/20070416102509990001

Feel free to let me know what you thought of them....always curious about the views of my intellectual friends....

Once Upon a tooth:

Last night I had a dream about my teeth. I dreamt that I had discovered that all the teeth on my lower left side of my mouth were falling out. They were discolored and loose and I knew I was going to lose them.

My sister told me that loose teeth is a very common reoccurring dream and that it means that you want to say something and aren't, or you said something you wish you could take back.

After some thought...I find this to be very true to my nature and mood today.

~hl~

Some voicemails are better left unanswered:

Tonight I got a call from a friend of mine and I could tell from the tone of their voice that they didn't actually want to talk to me. They were calling....but they didn't sound at all in a communicative mood. I actually heard it on the voicemail they left for me and I knew I shouldn't have called them back.....because I know them well enough to know by tone of voice how the conversation will go. But like an idiot, I called back.

The conversation wasn't horrible by any means, but I was just left wondering, why call me if you don't want to talk? What happened to the days when people called you and they actually WANTED to hear your voice, they had something to tell you, or they just missed you and wanted to catch up?

There's no worse feeling than knowing that someone is doing something out of habit or obligation, when all the while, they find no real joy in it....especially when that "it" is you. Friendship shouldn't be a chore. And if it is, perhaps you should re-evaluate why you keep the relationship going if it obviously is something you have to MAKE yourself keep up with.

~hl~

Dusted the camera off.....

Hello all. It's occured to me lately that I have really been lacking in my photography. I used to love to go spend a day snapping some shots out and about and lately...I've been a huge slacker!

So I got the camera out...dusted it off...and I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things. This picture being proof that I still know how to use it. Although I'm apparently rusty for I cut the top of my own head off! Hey I never said I was talented!

I've have noticed however that photography & playing my guitar are things I apparently only think to do when I'm happy. Writing, reading & movies when I'm sad.

Just a little self discovery today.....

I'm off to the grocery....I'm actually going to attempt to cook dinner! Yes, me, cook something that requires more than a microwave...lord help me not burn the house down! Maybe I'll take pictures of my grand attempt at cooking....yeah....maybe not.

Hope everyone had a nice weekend.....I was so lazy, I think I slept more than I was awake....damn those new bed sheets....they suck me in every, single time!! I'll be very well rested for the work week ahead, and well that's nothing to be ashamed about.

Oh, and my apologies....I'm horrible about making my bed on a regular basis...it's really hit or miss with me. I live alone...who have I got to impress with a perfectly made bed anyway?!

Glass Boxes:

When I first moved into this apartment, there were certain things that were left from the guy who lived here before me. Rumor has it that he died....and that's why there were remainders of his belongings left behind.

My landlord said, whatever you don't want, just sit it out with the trash.

In the corner of the room sits a glass box. I have no idea what the hell it's purpose is or why anyone would have such a thing....

I've tried to find a practical use for the darn thing....I've tried sitting on it while I smoke....maybe it could be a chair. But...nope, I found that I only slide off with amazing speed. Not to mention, the idea of it caving beneath me and having to pick broken shards of glass out of my ass was not a pleasant thought, so I gave up on the chair idea pretty much immediately.

I've put a lot of time and effort into making sense of it...yet it's purpose escapes me. You'd think I'd haul it down the stairs and out with the trash....but no...it's been six and a half months and there it sits. I'm determined to find it's use. Why did it have to have a slanted top.....it would have made a great plant holder...for all the plants I will never own.

Will it ever stop snowing in Ohio?

Spring....please, please hurry up!

Product Review #1

I bought some new deodorant yesterday...used it this morning after my shower....interesting. It's called Vanilla Chai and honestly....it does smell good, really good..but it also smells like I'm smuggling cookies under my armpits.

I'm not sure if my armpit is supposed to make me hungry everytime I reach for a file or for the phone.

Letting things go.

This week so far has been a blur. Not a good kind either. It seems when I try to let go of shit, I let everything else go right along with it. I retreat into this tiny world where nobody can see me and I hide out. People are lucky of they find me for days when I get like this. The last two days I came home from work, took off my clothes, crawled into my bed...which has new sheets on it I might add....and I slept for hours. And when I can't sleep, I just lay there until I get so bored, my brain literally gives up and drifts off into a self induced coma. I don't make dinner, I don't telephone anyone, I find myself leaning up against walls, smoking twice as much and even finding entertainment in listening to my jaw pop from chewing too much gum lately.

Tonight, after my "two-hour-recover-from-my-work-fiasco-nap" I got up, and was pretty sure, tonight would be a night like the two I've previously had. Taking pain meds to make my cramps go away and to ease my throbbing neck, shoulders and ankle from my nasty near fatal fall down my stairs Friday night....to which I might add I was totally sober for.

It's true what they say you know....that when one area of your life kind of starts coming together....another one falls miserably apart?

Anyway...I awoke from my nap and considered eating something...but nothing sounded good. I had a cheeseburger for lunch and was still regretting that decision. I find that when you are depressed, it's best not to eat food that you normally enjoy....because when you do, and that sinking feeling sets in your stomach, you all of the sudden hate even the idea of whatever it was you ate, you hate the smell, the taste, and you vow that you will never eat another cheeseburger again. Last night it was macaroni & cheese, the night before...pizza. Not sure I'll be eating any of them for awhile. This only depressing you more.

But tonight, I'm making my way back into being on top of things!

Check this out.....I went to the store today and bought deodorant & toothpaste.....two things I've been telling myself to get out and pick up before I ran out.....as to avoid a replay of the toilet paper incident from last week...

I sorted my laundry and intend to NOT take a nap after work tomorrow, but instead be productive and go to the laundromat

I did the dishes & cleaned out the refrigerator....


I sacked up the trash...two weeks overdue. Not a pleasant ordeal....it smelled so horrible that I literally ran out of the kitchen gagging, eyes watering from the putrid stench arising from it, but I came back armed with air freshener and I fought my way back in, tied the bags off, kicked it for good measure and declared myself victorious over the trash!!


And I stocked my freezer with a week supply of Kit Kats in case of emergency....

Tomorrow....I'm calling and scheduling an eyebrow wax and going to go tan...I may even get ambitious shave my legs & go to the gym...it's bring a friend week at the "Y".

It's days like this, I find myself remembering what it was like to be touched by another...by a man. Just having someone's arms wrapped around you while you fall apart within their embrace. I miss having someone to feel close to....I'm going to go outside and hug my cat....she still loves me.

Good Night...

~hl~

Moving the Fuck On........

Tonight my sister Angie called and the first thing she said is "tell me something good, I've had the worst day!" I say to her "Man did you ever call the wrong place!" She asks me what's wrong and I begin to tell her the woes of my week.

I told her about the bullshit Keith was feeding me....and when I started bitching about it, she said "Well, why didn't you just say that to him?" and i was like yeah, why didn't I just say that. Why is it that even when people are being shitty to me, I have lost the knack to fight back?

I want to scream out...Look fucker....I left you, I don't fucking care if you have a nice new truck, I don't care if you are making so much money you don't know what to do with it all, I left, I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!! Not about your new girlfriend, or her adorable little girl, or how happy you are....take your happiness and float away on it.....I don't need to know this shit.

Angie said to stop trying to figure out why people do the things they do to you, but to just express how you feel and move the fuck on! Sometimes you just need a little tough love to bring life back into focus.

All week long I've been dwelling on why he would do this....but you know what, I don't care...I just want it to stop, and I haven't been all too progressive in making what I want happen.

Angie brings up a good point....if you have something on your chest, on your mind...why keep it all bottled up...what good does that do anyone? I need to stop worrying about hurting people and just say what I feel and let them deal with how it makes them feel, I can't be responsible for other people's feelings all the time.

There are some other things going on that have made this week particularly horrific....work stuff that I can't really get into....but I'm going to try to not let everything get to me. It's really tough when you are feeling so vulnerable and defenseless, but I'm alone, I'm on my own....there's no one to protect me, but me. So I can lay down and admit defeat, or I can keep plugging away, putting one foot in front of the other and vow not to quit.

I haven't played my guitar for ages....I really need to get back in touch with the things that make my soul smile.....as Angie so eloquently put it, I need to move the fuck on! :)

I only have to get through ONE more 1/2 day tomorrow at work.....LORD GRANT ME THE STRENGTH!!

~hl~

The green has emerged on the tree across the street, and the sky has produced some white to throw it all out of balance.

Last night I stood on my landing smoking wearing a pair of shorts.....today, I have cold hands and was forced to crouch next to an open window in order to blow smoke out of it in an attempt to avoid the outdoors.

Keith called me when I got home from work...told me he was outside my window and to look out to see the new truck he just bought. He went on to tell me about the big raise he got at work and about how he's making so much money, he didn't know what to do with it all. I didn't know whether to vomit or....um...say I had a bad connection and that I couldn't hear him so that I could hang up before I could no longer hold the vomit in the back of my throat.

Yeah, it's great that he's doing well.....I SHOULD be happy for him. He's got it all, my dream house, my dog, a new girlfriend and boat loads of cash apparently. I'm not jealous.....just irritated by his good fortune. I'm a shitty person. He deserves to be happy.....who am I to begrudge him for it.

Dark Skies Looming Overhead:

There are times in every one's life, where we have to remind ourselves to look for the bright spot.

Never mind the impending storm, it'll be here and gone soon enough, just focus on the bright and hopeful things, the rest, we can surly weather.

What a difference a Year makes

Today Brooke was leaving my apartment and heading out to Keith's to pick up a television she had left behind from when I still lived there. She called me afterwards and told me about the visit.

Keith's new girlfriend was there with her daughter....her clothes and personal effects strewn around the place as if they had been there all along. Apparently Keith is going to Florida, Disney World with his new female companion and daughter. Last spring, I begged Keith to take a trip to Florida with me....well, a trip anywhere...just to get away and do something fun together. He refused to go. He said that "that's just not me Heather, I have no desire to go to Florida" I think he even followed that with "the best part of Florida is under water!"

He told Brooke that he should have done more things like that with me, and he wasn't going to make the same mistake with Sherry that he did with me. I hate the idea that I wasn't worth the effort...I wasn't worth the effort at the time, and yet, a year later....now he sees the bigger picture. He told Brooke, "you live, you learn."

If that's his motto, mine apparently is "you live, you leave"

Someday....SOMEDAY I WILL (I hope) meet someone who's already learned his lessons in this life, who knows the worth of another, the value of love and the art of giving, sharing and connection to another human life. Sure, I could take pride in the fact that I have left him changed for the better, I could put my chin up and say that I helped him grow and learn about life and love....but I'm tired of teaching....I'm ready to be taught. Taught that it's not all for nothing...in the end, it matters. That I matter...that somehow, someway, someone could see me as someone worth the effort.