It's Monday and It's all about to Change.....

Last night was the last night I will sleep in my old bed.

This morning was the last morning I would get ready for work in my house.

Tonight, I will come home from work to pack my things and move out.

It’s a confusing time for me…..

I am notorious for staying in relationships long after they are over…..

I don’t want to make that mistake again……

There’s something to be said about getting out before it’s too late….

I don’t want to wind up hating him, or having him hate me…..

I want to remember him fondly as someone I loved, but just not someone I was meant to be with….

I can’t imagine what it will be like to wake up in a strange bed, in a house that isn’t my own…..showering in a foreign shower, spitting toothpaste into a new sink. It’s a little unnerving.

Keith and I got into a fight last night when I got home from Kentucky…..he said I was just like my father….which honestly is the worst insult any human being can bestow upon me…..I tried to roll over and just go to sleep, but it hurt, I won’t lie, it really hurt to have to hear those words…..”I’m just like my father”……OUCH. Before long though, back up the stairs he came, said he was sorry for saying that and then he told me he was going to sleep on the couch…but it occurred to him that this would be the last time he’d have the opportunity to lay beside me in OUR bed. It was to be the last time we’d sleep side by side. That statement was very final.

Falling in love, and then out again, it’s like the best and worst thing that can ever happen to a person. It can be a gift and it can rip you apart, and when you fall into it, you never know which one you are ultimately going to get. You just fall and forget about everything else, your head is filled with the blissful state of love, love, love…..I guess we keep putting ourselves through it because all the pain in the world doesn’t stand a chance against the overwhelming, indescribable joy that love brings.

Poverty:

You know how people are always saying....life would be so much easier if I could just win the lottery....man I am totally saying that to myself these days. As it turns out, I'm about to be poor. I've always managed to be able to make it on my own. I've always known that no matter what, I'd be fine, because I've always worked hard to take care of myself and to support myself....so seeing the numbers there in budget form in front of me.....Ah, it just plain sucks!

Keith and I agreed to my moving out.....but all of my cash is tied up in that house.....and frankly, I've done the math and here's my choices

#1 - Get a second job, work like a million hours a week at job #1 and job #2 and hope like hell at the end of the month I have enough money to buy peanutbutter and deodorant.

OR

#2 - I can move in with my friend Steph, who has graciously offered to take me in. Granted, she's got the great family (Husband, two beautiful daughters) but I dont' want to impose on the sanctity of their "home life".

OR

#3 - Somehow find a roomate to split expenses with and hope like hell I don't end up with a total psycho! (How does one find a roomate these days? Advertise?)

Anyway...being cash poor isn't something I've been in awhile, and man does it S-U-C-K! So, I'm just going to go ahead and say it "Yeah, If I could just win the lottery....that'd be grrrreat!" :)

I'm buying a ticket today after work.....with a little luck and good Karma, maybe my next post will be written from a tropical location with a fruity drink in hand, cool ocean breezes blowing and the people I love sunning themselves right next to me. Sure there'd be no one left to read the post, but who the hell cares....I'd be a little less pale, a little less poor, and the weight of financial responsibility wouldn't feel so crushing.

Late Night Shampoo Shopping......

So last night I was wondering aimlessly around Wal-Mart, I drove over there around 9:30 last night to get shampoo.....really I just wanted to get out of the house....get lost in the book isle for awhile.

While standing there reading the back of one book after the other....I picked up a book called "Why Girls Need Their Father" which for obvious reasons sucks for me, you know because I don't have a dad anymore....never really did in the first place, but you know what I mean.

Anyhow, I stood there and read page after page of all the things a father provides for his little girl and I wondered, how many things am I lacking because of never having a dad who was involved in my life. For those of us with non-existent parents do we find other ways of finding those things our fathers are supposed to teach us from someone else, or do we just remain clueless? Too bad you just can't get a new dad like you can a new pair of shoes.....you know, go to the store, try some on.....see how they fit and how they make you feel....then walk around with them and make the decision to take them home with you....

I hate going to Wal-Mart and coming out longing for something they don't carry......

Selfish

I wonder if I am.....

Both my mom and dad used to tell me when I was a teenager that I was being selfish when I would say I wanted something......"You don't care about anybody but yourself....!!" they used to say.....which I used to just blow off as something parents say to teenagers....but lately I've been thinking about whether I am actually selfish. Do I really only care about myself?

I'd like to believe that I care quite deeply about others, so much to the point that sometimes I'll forget about my own wants and needs to satisfy someone else's.

See when you are contemplating ending a relationship because your needs aren't being met emotionally, it tends to, well at least in my case, make me question whether I'm being selfish because I want the things that I want from a significant other. Do I actually need these things, really? I FEEL that I do....

Yesterday I took myself out for some chinese for lunch.....my fortune cookie said:

"Do not desire what you do not need"

I hate to say that this whole post and self doubt was sparked by a silly fortune cookie, but you know, sometimes I can't help but to take things to heart.

Oh, and my lucky numbers apparently are: 40, 24, 35, 16, 7 & 19

So anyway, I hope that when people think of me, they don't think, "Heather....yeah....she's pretty selfish"....because the best people in my eyes are the ones that give of themselves to others even when they don't always have much to give. They go out of their way to make someone else happy, they care about people and would spend a whole day helping them move to their new house in December and they'd rather be watching movies on their couch, or when they drive all they way to Dayton when their friend needs them, or those who people know that day or night, if they are ever needed....their loved ones know they can count on them, no matter the inconvenience of the request.

The most important thing to me isn't the search for happiness, but finding happiness in the life I share with the people I love. Being giving to others...being a good friend, and lover, and daughter/sister.....because I think if I can be these things to others, in turn I'll have good friends, and lover and family.

Selfish......it's just such an ugly word.

In the words of Papa Roach.....

SCARS

I tear my heart open,
I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help to fix myself
Your making me insane
All I can say is

I tear my heart open,
I sow myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
My scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
A kiss will only vise
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That your drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last dance

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever came around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause your drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

Just a thought....

One time my sister Angie told me that one of the reasons she knew Matt was the one for her, was because he was the only one who could put her in her place. In a fight before they got married, he didn't back down and he actually made her feel bad for HER actions. That's when she knew that he was her equal, her partner and friend. He proved that he cared about her enough not to just give in to her, and he cared enough about himself to stand up for his views and cared enough about the both of them to actually tell her exactly what he thought of her behavior so that they could move beyond it.

When I first married Keith, I knew from the very beginning that he would never leave me. I knew that should I put my heart into him, he'd never leave. In the beginning, I guess I thought that to be quite an admirable attribute.....looking back now, it might just be the worst thing for me. Maybe I need someone who will walk away from me if I get out of line, perhaps the fact that I knew he'd never leave has kept me from ever fearing losing him. There's a lot to be said for the fear of losing.....

Maybe I'm not a failure at relationships because I don't love enough....maybe I just haven't yet met my match.

My first attempt to let some of this out......

Last night I finally crawled out of my bed and pajamas and went and looked at an apartment.

It's been awhile since I rented anything, thought I'd go and take a look at what kind of life my budget will allow me. It was a cute place, spacious, empty, but warm. It's next to a cemetary and a river......I tried to imagine myself living there, eating in the kitchen, reading in my room....it was really hard. Everything looked lonely.

The apartment was in Ottawa....I figured if my life here was about to end, a new city might be in order. Closer to work....far from everyone I know. There wouldn't be a single person to come and visit me, not a soul would be around. Which honestly, for someone who's depressed, it's quite possibly the worst enabling condition that one can allow themselves to partake in. I'm not saying that I'm for sure going to even fill out the rental application....but, it felt good to be doing SOMETHING.

My mom came over and talked to Keith and when I got home from Ottawa she tried talking to the two of us.....Keith was angry at me for how things have gone, my mom kept saying "Heather, It sounds to me like you just don't want to be married!" But it's not that I don't want to be married damnit....I just don't think that being married should make you unhappy....I think that a marriage should meet your basic needs as far as relationships go. I really don't think I'm asking for the world here....maybe I am.....maybe I am.

You know I love him.....I really love him...I do......BUT, sometimes as unfortunate as this is....sometimes loving someone can be detrimental to your mental health. Then the unhappiness at home seeps into every other area of your life, your relationships with friends suffer, your job isn't fulfilling, your family starts wondering what's up with you, why you aren't yourself.....and the whole time you just sink into desperation deeper and deeper. I'm sorry if I don't want my life to suck, I'm sorry if I want something more out of life than the less than happy existence I've been living. Couples should fight about finances, raising kids, finding time for one another.....but they shouldn't fight to get the other one to love them. I shouldn't have to pursuade my husband to love me for who I am, to appreciate my good qualities to take an active role in my life. Those are the things he should WANT to do, not have to be TOLD to do. Or at least that's what I think....and perhaps I'm totally wrong....maybe my idea of marriage is just some fairytale that only some dillusional person would believe in....but, if this is what marriage is, if this is what people are vowing to do for the rest of their lives.....then No, I don't think I do want to be married.

Call me a quitter, call me what you will, but you can only bang your head against the wall for so long before you say "OUCH! This is hurting me! I just need to stop doing this to myself!" It's a self preservation thing....six years has been a really good effort, six years of ups and downs, six years of the same argument, the same issues, the same unfulfilled expectations on both sides of fence....nobody can say that we didn't try, nobody can say....because nobody knows what it's like to be in our relationship but us. All the talk in the world can never make you ever truly understand how it FEELS, only how it looks and sounds, but it's feeling that is the only thing that matters now. I need to start feeling positive again. I need to be brave enough to take the steps necessary to do that. Life is just too short not to.

For those of you who think I've forgotten you....

For those of you who think that I've avoided you.....

For those of you who have been worried about me....

and..

For those of you who feel that I don't value you in my life.... It's simply not so....

When I get things figured out in my life, you'll be the first ones to know.

I PROMISE!

It's Officially....

A picture is worth a thousand words....

and I'm currently without the words I need to describe this feeling....

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

It's funny how when you go somewhere beautiful, and you sit and stare at the beauty laid out before you, your eyes know it's beautiful, your brain knows it's amazing, your hands get the camera because you can't help but want to capture it on film.....but nothing is as beautiful as when it's viewed through happy eyes. Sure, you know it, but you don't feel it.

For me photography is as much feeling as it is sight. I look at photo's I've taken through the years and I know exactly the emotion I felt when I took it, no matter how many years have passed, I know were I was physically, mentally and emotionally all with the flip of a page of a photo albumn.

Although the pictures I took this weekend are very pretty in my eyes, I can't help but see the state of my heart in them. The sunset is one of sadness, a lighthouse filled with memories, water coming ashore to wash away the pain......

Just goes to show that no matter where you are, your feelings never go on vacation.

 

Weekend at the Lake....

 

End of the Road or Just Another Detour?

Yesterday I learned that:

1. Keith never wants to have kids.

2. He thinks that I would make a terrible mother.....

3. He is who he is and if I loved him, I would stop asking for things that he doesn't want to give me...

4. That in my current situation, I have two choices, I can learn to live with it, or I can leave it all behind and chalk it up to "Heather was Unhappy".

His final words: "Heather, whatever you decide is fine with me."

Some people would say: "Heather....you have a lot of thinking to do..." others might say "Heather, well there's only one choice to make..."

I say: "How the F*ck did I end up here?" and "When will I ever learn from my past mistakes?"

You know if I knew the answers to those questions, I'd be a lot more likely to coast through life unscathed, but I guess this is my journey.....mine to f*ck up as I see fit......only I wish I could say that I did it intentionally.....For a girl with a big heart and good intentions....you'd think things would turn out better; you'd think that things would all be sunshine and smiles....how could I ever hurt someone by only trying to love them.....I don't know the formula, but I know the answer.

Trees: You have to love them....

 

In it I find Hope....What do you see?

You know what I like about this picture?

Here is a field.....only moments earlier all torn up, walked all over....footprints everywhere, slide marks, debris from avid baseball fans.....and pretty much a complete mess......

And just like that, what was once beautiful and seemingly perfect, becomes beautiful and seemingly perfect once AGAIN.

Soul Searching.....

how does one search themselves?

What if everything you ever needed to know about your life was inside of you.....for every doubt in your mind there was reassurance......for every mystery, a ending and every "what if", an answer.

I used to think that I was capable of "soul searching", but now that I look back at it, I'm not so sure I ever come up with the answers that I am looking for.....

When I almost married Craig, I was young...too young....and I tried to leave him, I really tried..... Finally, I took a trip to Virginia, a specific trip, just to get my head straight, get some distance from the problem......and in the end, I had a suicidal ex-fiance telling me that if I didn't choose him, he wouldn't be around when I got back to Ohio. I had a family telling me that he could offer me the kind of security a girl should want....although, I'm thinking to myself, how secure is an alcoholic really? Oh sure, we had the house, the dogs, the joint checking account and vehicles....but those are all material things.....things that in the end, make no difference. Yet through the eyes of others, they were worth sticking around for. WHY?

The only real answers I've ever found come long after the fact. Reflection seems to be the only truth in life. When you are so caught up in the situation that you can't see it for what it is, how does one gain clairity?

It's like a mud puddle.......you can't see the bottom, until long after the dirt has settled. But the dirt never settles when you are knee deep in it.

A wise person would just step out of the water, a foolish person continues to play until the water dries up.....then there are those who stand there, and don't know whether to play in it, get out, dry off and find something else to do OR just drown themselves in it.

What a Beautiful Night at the Ballpark

Sightseeing on the way there....

And to top it all off.....FIREWORKS!!!