Wow….where to begin….

My day started off by taking a pregnancy test. Not that I actually thought I was pregnant, but I didn’t feel like myself, and my stomach has been hurting a lot lately, and I had the test laying there…and I watched too much CSI over the weekend, and well, I wanted to test something…..so my pregnancy theory was what got tested. Turns out, it doesn’t hold water….lots of holes and the one pink line speaks volumes to my wrongness. Not that I wanted to BE pregnant, but then at least I could be like… “Oh, so this explains it, THIS is what’s wrong with me”….but now I’m left to wonder, and there’s no more tests available to take to answer my questions….

This weekend while doing a Christmas gift return and a little after Christmas shopping for wrapping paper with my sister at Wal-Mart, I got a phone call from my very good friend and sort of ex-bf from the south. He hadn’t called me in forever, so I was really surprised when his name popped up on my caller I.D.

I answered the phone and said Hello, he said the same, we exchanged pleasantries and then he got down to the business of the call, he told me him and his current girlfriend were fighting, fighting about ME. She wants me OUT of his life, and she means NOW. Deleted from his MySpace, and voted right off of his island! He’s reluctant, but sees her point. He and I DO have history, he and I ARE great friends, there IS a spark between us, but I’m in Ohio, he’s like a six hour drive away, we’ve covered this territory before and decided that we are where we are and neither of us were about to change our locale. Errr, well, he would of, but I wouldn’t let him. I couldn’t have him make that kind of sacrifice for me, he’d only learn to resent me later for it, and I couldn’t ever see that look of discontentment in his eyes and know that it was me who put it there….or, allowed for it’s arrival. Anyway, she wants me gone, and he asked me straight up, will you? Could you? Is there any way?

So while sitting in a clothes rack, phone to ear, a look of shock, he asked me one last time, he asked me to accept his generous offer of love and forever-ness once more. I was shaken. As for one, I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend, and yet we were having this conversation, and one that caught me totally off guard. My sister was circling me with the cart….the florescent lights made my eyes water….and I just couldn’t answer him without taking a moment to process what he was asking, this one, last time.

Yesterday I called him and said that I couldn’t, I couldn’t accept. Today I was deleted. And already I miss my friend. I do wish him all the best though, he’s an amazing person, and so long as he’s happy, even if it’s at the expense of my relationship with him, then I’m happy. He deserves the very best, and he promised never to settle for less, and I believe him. So I respect his decision, and if things don’t work out with the new Mrs. West Virginia, well then, we’ll resume our friendship once more. Either way, I trust he’ll be ok.

So the weekend started with a proposal, and it ended this morning with a break up. I broke up with Justin. I know you are all thinking… “WTF?!?!?! and WHY???” and right now, I can’t begin to tell you the whys and hows of it all, it’s a long story, but I did what I had to, and it broke my heart to do it, but when you get to be my age, you know what you want, you know what you need, and you know to NEVER settle for less. You know what you can live WITH and you know what you can live WITHOUT, and there were elements present, that I know I could NOT live WITH….and for anyone who wonders, I didn’t decide to break up with him because someone else offered me more (namely Mr. West Virginia), as I decided that I needed to do this days before that call ever came in…

Doing the right thing, is the hardest thing to do. Hurting someone you care about, excruciating. But sometimes the hardest thing to do, is the only thing you CAN do to in order to get back to being you. And that’s what I need right now….I just need to be me. A non-pregnant, happy, healthy, getting ready to go to NYC version of me.

The me that’s excited about possibly buying that house on first street that I love so much. The me that’s happy for the future, looking forward to my 31st birthday, the me that says that spring is just around the corner….even when we all know, sixty degree days in December DO NOT MEAN SPRING IS NEAR…but hey, a girl can dream right?

I know you think that perhaps I made a rash decision about Justin, and that I’m just tossing him out, out of fear of commitment, or me just being my self destructive self, but I promise you, this was the RIGHT thing this time. The self destructive me, would of stayed with the self destructive him, and we’d live self destructively ever after….but I vowed that 2009 would be different, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to make the same mistakes of my past in my most promising future.

Not anymore.

~hl~

STEPBROTHERS

Brennan Huff: I have a belly full of white dog crap, and now you lay this shit on me?

That from the movie Stepbrothers….which I assure is relevant to this post, because “I” now have a stepbrother.

Sure, I don’t want to fill a “pillowcase full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of him” or anything, but yeah, there’s a new addition to my family, and it’s in the form of a thin, thirty six year old, six foot-two brown haired Californian variety.

Maybe you guys don’t know this, but my mom got married. And in doing so, she not only gave me a “step-dad”, she also gave me a “step-brother”….which I’ve never had a step-brother before, and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to like this new guy. Never met him before now, so when my mom told us we’d be spending our Christmas with him, I was a little hesitant. What if he’s a dick? What if he doesn’t like US? What if he’s weird? Or smells funny?

But the Stepbrother Gods smiled upon us and gave us Eric. He was polite, hospitable, some might even say downright jovial. He didn’t smell weird, he actually smelled quite nice…as I know because he sat next to me at dinner. Which enabled me to find out that he too was divorced. He too rushed into it, and found that sometimes things just don’t work out….we both bantered back and forth about how we were NEVER getting remarried! All the while, our parents collectively shook their heads at us and our shared cynicism for matrimony.

Brooke had Eric take our (me and her) picture in front of the tree, and then we had mom take a picture of the three of us, Brooke, Eric and myself. Our first picture with our very own stepbrother….

After the picture was snapped, I peered down at the picture and said “Hmmmmmm….weird, our new brother doesn’t look a thing like us! I don't know why I thought he would...hmmmm....weird”....it was kinda funny, broke the ice a little and let him know we weren’t hostile.

So the night was good, he bought us gifts, we gave him ours….which was a bit sketchy considering I’d never even met the guy, I mean, I had no idea what to get him….but he seemed okay with what we got him. Or he’s a good faker…probably a good faker! *laughs*….god bless him for that. Our night wrapped with Me and Brooke and Eric all in the basement on the couch watching Ghost Hunters, drinking wine spritzers and sharing stories of our OWN spooky adventures. When the night came to an end, I was kinda bummed....

All in all, the night was great, our new step brother is charming and slightly addicted to sweets, but lovable. I think our parents were pleased we got along…and as I traveled home that night, I thought to myself….this Christmas was really great. If ever there was a merry Christmas to be had, this one was just that.

So stepbrother, wherever you are, Welcome to the family! Glad to have ya.

~hl~

And then there were 4:

I used to be the biggest believer in love, the kind that lasts forever.... now'a'days however, I'm more a believer in love that lasts awhile. It's a sad truth about me that over the years, my faith in what most people set out to find I've now ruled out as a myth.... love like that doesn't exist.

Well folks..... Love's making a comeback. The real kind. It started with Kevin & Amber. Sure, sure they've had their set of problems, but the are unquestionably one of the happiest couples I know. They love each other sweetly, he looks at her with warmth, he's not bitter, resentful, angry or mean, he loves her, and treats her accordingly. Now, don't get me wrong, no relationship is perfect, but Amber and Kevin are a team, they are partners, and they are lovers. I mean, c'mon, I think we can all agree, that when a woman saves up to buy her husband a surprise Harley for Christmas...yeah, nothing says love like a Harley for Christmas! Wives just don't do things like that....normally they are saying "YOU ARE NOT GETTING A HARLEY AND THAT"S FINAL!!" Not secretly driving half way across the State of Ohio with her friend Heather in a borrowed pick-up truck to pick one up for you! See, these two, they have this whole love thing figured out....and at first, I thought they were the only ones....I thought they were FREAKS of nature!! *laughs*

but then soon, there were two....then came Mike & Rachel. My dear sweet mild mannered cousin, who marries robust, full of life and wit and humor....a little mischievous and sometimes even raunchy....whom I adore: Mike.

The two of them are a force to be reckoned with in times of crisis. They've went through so much in their time together, first almost losing Rachel when she gave birth to her daughter, THEN almost losing their daughter due to health issues, they've seen job loss, car accidents, law suits, financial crunch...it's just been misfortune and mishap for a lot of their marriage. But if you go over to their house, sit on their brown couch in their lavender living room, you'll be greeted and conversed with by two of the most warm, loving and did I mention FUNNY people you will ever come across? Mike will come in the door, dead tired from probably just working two shifts at two different jobs, and he'll still come in, sit down and be happy that you are there. When Rachel's having a crappy day, as I can attest to the fact that she's had, Mike is that ONE person in her life that always can bring her out of her funk. They just have that thing, ya know...that unexplainable THING that makes them unstoppable. Is it FAITH in each other, is it HOPE for all things good, is it LOVE?, the real thing?...and the rest of us just mistakenly THINK we are in love...when we aren't?

Then there was my Mother and Bill. Those two are like two peas in a pod. They are both kinda petite, wiry, scrappy, feisty, determined, hard working, shopping fanatics. For these two, I have to say their love begins with their remarkable friendship. They just LOVE being with each other. They go shopping, they run errands, they watch movies, go hiking, bike riding, travel....where you find one, you find the other, and they love it. When they aren't together, they are always calling one another...and this isn't just new "puppy love" they have right now, they actually have been together for years....they are friends, they are now married, and they know a thing or two about love.

Lastly, there is my amazing cousin Kami, and her dashingly handsome husband Kevin. These two, now they are a treat. They are the 4th couple to join the list of mythbusters, who are busting MY MYTH, that love isn't really real.

Now these two, like my Mom and Bill, came together after divorce. Kami had been in a terrible marriage for years, one in which followed her like a black cloud that she could not escape. She, like me, was jaded by the experience....she like me ALSO said things like she'd likely not ever remarry....and then there was Kevin. An unlikely candidate from work whom she's verbally expressed to me that she wouldn't of thought she'd of fallen in love with, but when those two DID come together, they were a force of nature. Passion and connection, laughter and healing. I think in a lot of ways, these two saved each other's lives. Not from pyhsical death, but from emotional nothingness. Together, the two of them were reborn, and learned what it was to be happy, loved, and accompanied in life. They share interest, they share their lives, and where the one is going...the other is more than happy to tag along....just to be with the other. Ask Kevin, Kami's drug him to Sex in the City the movie TWICE I think!!....he's a trooper eh?

It's funny when you start losing faith in something, the world begin to build it's defense. All the sudden, the defense has character witnesses, pie graphs and affidavits, they have three weeks worth of depositions to conduct and expert witnesses who have scientifically proven that love exists, the true, pure, real thing....they probably even have Love's DNA sample that declares, it's love with a 99.99% certainty.

I'll admit, they've got a good case, but everyone knows, your case is only ever as good as the 12 people you need to convince. My boss always says, "I've lost a lot of cases I "SHOULD" of won, and I've won a lot of cases I "SHOULD" of lost"....

As for me, the evidence is mounting....but the verdict is still out....maybe my problem isn't that I don't believe it exists as much as I don't believe it's attainable let alone time tested and the American Heart Association Approved. Maybe the only people I've ever began to love that way....were more scared of it than I was, and now their fear has scared me.

So for now I love, the only way i know how....for now.....

Osmosis & Signs:

Osmosis: The gradual, often unconscious, absorption of knowledge or ideas through continual exposure rather than deliberate learning.

Think bad luck can be transferred through osmosis?

Like maybe my “continual exposure” to my boyfriend caused my bad luck to seep from my skin into his while he laid “unconscious” beside me?

The poor thing….I warned him that he shouldn’t get mixed up with me….so..

Last night I tried to get him to break up with me.

Listen to what’s happened to him since I last saw him….he went to Missouri to see some friends, sounds fun right…yeah, I think he enjoyed himself, that was until one night, he called me, said he missed me and was going to take off to come to my house. Normally a 10 hour drive or so, he set out on Monday, which was a couple days ahead of schedule…I was excited. Tuesday he called and said his car broke down, blew a radiator hose or something, lost most his fluids, fucked up his transmission and was broke down at another one of his friends house’s around Jefferson City. He hadn’t made it too far. And the part he needed to fix his car wouldn’t be in until the morning.

Okay, so then he gets the part, fixes his car, ready to head out once more….but Mark (my brother-in-law’s father) calls him and asks him to pick up two lion cubs that he needs picked up from Missouri and drive them up to Wisconsin. Justin doesn’t really want to, but agrees anyway. But he agrees to drive them only as far as Chicago. So the people with the Lions are driving up to deliver the cubs to him, they set out at nine in the morning, to drive the like 4 hours or so to meet him. I spoke with him Wednesday night at 9-ish and they still hadn’t arrived! So he was ready to get going, but sat around ALL DAY waiting for them to show up.

Finally he leaves, not sure if he left Wednesday night or Thursday morning, but when I spoke with him again Thursday on my way home from work, and on my way to view that house to buy….he tells me he got in an accident around St. Louis and never made it to Chicago. He apparently blew a tire, spun a few times, took out a road sign and some poles or something, and totaled the front and back end of his car. Which scared the crap out of me because I wasn’t sure if he was in the hospital, or if he was ok, or what! So, now he’s stuck in Missouri AGAIN. He still has to take the Lions up to Chicago to meet Mark, but now his car is all effed up and we just had a winter storm across the Midwest dumping ice and snow the entire way he must travel.

So I told him, “hey, maybe you should just break up with me, because I think my bad luck is rubbing off on you!” Of course, he said NO, that he would not break up with me...and asked me: “Please don’t even say things like that!”

So, he won’t break up with me, his car is broken, he is stranded, while in charge of two lion cubs which I’m sure he’s bottle feeding every 4 hours….and who knows when he’ll ever make it back this way. As it stands now he’s already five days behind schedule. Which isn’t great considering on MONDAY he said he was coming a few days EARLY to see me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. It just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for him to come back to me. When he left the last time, I said, “Hey, don’t forget to come back to me.” And he said “Baby, I’ll ALWAYS come back to you. Always, I promise.”

Now those words echo in my ears…..

“I’ll always come back to you….” “I’ll always come back to you….”

In the movie “Signs”…there’s a line where Mel Gibson tells his brother:

“People break down into two groups. When they experience something lucky, group number one sees it as more than luck, more than coincidence. They see it as a sign, evidence, that there is someone up there, watching out for them. Group number two sees it as just pure luck. Just a happy turn of chance. I'm sure the people in group number two are looking at those fourteen lights in a very suspicious way. For them, the situation is a fifty-fifty. Could be bad, could be good. But deep down, they feel that whatever happens, they're on their own. And that fills them with fear. Yeah, there are those people. But there's a whole lot of people in group number one. When they see those fourteen lights, they're looking at a miracle. And deep down, they feel that whatever's going to happen, there will be someone there to help them. And that fills them with hope. See what you have to ask yourself is what kind of person are you? Are you the kind that sees signs, that sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: Is it possible that there are no coincidences”

So, I’m forced to ask myself…what kind of person am I? Do I see signs?....or have I found a man who’s just as unlucky in life and love as I am? Or is that in and of itself a sign?

I mean, he totaled his car WITH A SIGN....

wonder what that sign said anyhow...."Ohio...THIS WAY"? "Girlfriend: No outlet"? Or maybe it said "Slippery when wet"....*laughs*...Oh, wait, that's a whole other subject...not intended for this particular post!

Better quit...this is starting to veer off track like Justin's car....

~hl~

Mid-Week, Mid-Afternoon Update from my desk to yours.....

It’s Wednesday …. I’m running on fumes … (aka approx. 4 hours of sleep) and I find that at my age, it’s a lot harder to go on less sleep. You feel it more or something. I worked at EP last night/morning until 1:00 a.m. and by the time I got all that effin ice off my car and home and to bed, it was nearing 2:00 a.m. My dog was pissed at me because I was gone all night and then wanted to go straight to bed when I got home. My boyfriend is missing in action (aka broke down in Missouri (aka Misery) due to car problems) which sucks because he was supposed to be here, ready to snuggle up to me in my bed upon my return from work last night….so in his absence I had to spoon with my pillow….but that’s just between us, don’t go spreading that around. People think I’m strange enough the way it is.

Oh, and I have a rash over 80% of my body from this new lotion I tried…..I’m so itchy that if I could peel my own skin off and nobody would notice and think I was a freak, I might actually try. Thing with rashes are, the more you scratch, the more they itch….and IF my boyfriend ever actually DOES show up, I’m sure he’ll be totally turned on by my super sexy red and blotchy dermis. CRAP! Think if I come to bed in a Turtle Neck and PJ bottoms with the feet, he’ll just think that’s the latest in women’s lingerie? Yeah, you are right, he’s a guy, if there’s no cleavage or skin of SOME SORT….he’ll know something’s up…I mean, this is ME we’re talking about. The only way I’d come to bed wearing a get up like that is if I was trying my ass off NOT to get laid. *laughs*…which seriously…how often does THAT actually happen? Okay, so I can honestly think of two such occasions, but in my defense I was under duress!...extreme extenuating circumstances were at hand….and those two desperate times, called for every defense mechanism I had!

Moving on…..in happier news, my car is fixed, yep, that’s right people, the lil neon is back up and running like a champ and I DID NOT have to pay the possible $1,200.00 that I originally thought I might! Alright, well, it’s not 100%....it has a weird tick now that it’s fixed, not quite turrets kind of tick, more like a muscle spasm or a slight drooling problem…..see, when it hits 25 mph it jerks a little, but hey, that’s minor compared to the fact that just last week all it’s vital fluids were laying in a puddle on my garage floor. So that’s great.

THEN, I was all excited because I thought I found the perfect little apartment…but upon viewing it, Oh my! Not so much. It was so small and $300.00 / mo. and I was depressed as soon as I walked in the door. Sure, the landlord said that he’d consider letting me keep Chubs, BUT, I’d kill my dog for always being in my personal space…because anywhere you stood in that apartment, if there were someone else in there…they’d be too damn close to you. Sort of like trying to sleep six in a single bed. Really bummed me out too, because I was thinking….Maybe I should just suck it up and take it. I mean, it’s just temporary, but how many times can one person move always telling themselves… “it’s just temporary..” and “You don’t have to live here forever!” I’m ready to find a home again. I know it’s a big commitment, but with mortgage rates falling in the 4.5% fixed 30 year rate range, I’ve actually began to house shop a little bit. I look at a lil darling of a fixer-upper project on Thursday at 5:15 p.m. Cousin Aaron is coming with me. It’s probably not a good sign when the realtor for the seller tells a buyer, “it’s not exactly livable”….but hey, I’m trying to be optimistic.

All my Christmas shopping is done and I have all of my big family Christmas parties already done and out of the way. Now the only thing left is X-mas with my mom, Bill, Brooke and I on Christmas Eve. And to the movies on Christmas day, quickly one of my new favorite holiday traditions. Wonder what I should go see….any suggestions? I want to see Changling, that new Clint Eastwood directed picture, however Brooke has already seen it, so who knows…it’ll probably be Marley & me or that New Brad Pitt movie. Neither of which am I totally psyched about.

Lastly, it’s Christmas Bonus time here at the office, and every time my bosses convene in their office behind a closed door, I hope and pray they are discussing how much to give us….as opposed to how they are going to tell us we aren’t getting a dime. I mean, I know times are tight, but darn it, as Clark Griswold will tell you, when you are used to getting one every year, you come to depend on that a little. Granted I didn’t order an in-ground swimming pool before the jelly of the month enrollment form arrived, but still…I’m working two jobs, supporting a four-legged friend…and have a slight American Eagle Jean addiction….which I have been starving lately…and well, I’m working really hard to get ahead, not getting a bonus this year would seem like a setback.

And if 2009 is really going to be my year….I think it would start off a whole lot better with a little extra cash in my savings account. Don’t you? So cross your fingers….the bosses are behind closed doors as we speak….

Well guys, that’s about all I got. And YES, I do realize this post kinda blows….there’s no moral, no point whatsoever, but hey, I never expected to win a Pulitzer for this shit! I’ve learned to accept it, and now so should you!

~hl~

Product Review for Tea Drinkers:

A lot of people my age aren't big "tea drinkers"....but since I was a kid, my mom used to have us sipping on hot tea every morning before the bus would come and pick us up and haul us off to school. Tea and Toast nearly every morning of my life when I lived at home....now as an adult, I am still kinda hooked on the stuff. However now that I can buy my own tea, I buy Celestial Seasons, and I really love it.

I buy the fruit sampler pack...and the first flavor to go is the Black Cherry....then the cranberry apple...

So for any tea drinkers out there looking for something new to offer your taste buds, give Celestial Seasons a try....it's a sweet start to a cold winter morning.

~hl~

Temptation:

It started when Eve ate the apple and its present yet today… desire to break the rules, that want to go straight ahead instead of left or right…

It’s the ugly head of temptation.

We all experience it ya know, it some form or another, maybe it’s the inviting lips of a new and unfamiliar woman or man, maybe its that unlocked door at your neighbor’s house, or that unattended cell phone of a significant other or lover that will have you yearning to read the text messages within.

What are we if not curious creatures?

Every good and bad idea ever to come about arrived because some schmuck somewhere asked a question….and did something to answer it.

But how do we fight temptation?

Everyone has their own strategy…me for example, I’m a big believer in the art of distraction, so for instance…say I crave a cigarette and I’ve already brushed my teeth and crawled into bed…and it’s just too cold to get dressed and go outside to enjoy one, so INSTEAD, I go downstairs and drink a big glass of ice cold water. I give my body something good as opposed to the cancer stick it craves. My body is distracted with the frigid water and forgets it’s original want. Or perhaps I want to pick up the phone when I know I had better NOT, “reach out and touch someone”….a hot bath, a good book & playing my guitar are wonderful diversions.

But the real kick to the head is when it shifts, and temptation mutates into desperation. Desperation will not be fooled so easily.

Temptation is thinking about breaking the rules…
Desperation will have you breaking them going 100 mph and then asking yourself, what just happened, and how…followed by denial and then justification and rationalization of your bad behavior.

Desperate times call for desperate measures…and Tis the season for desperation it seems. So many people without work, no presents for under their tree for loved ones, or Christmas dinners to fill their tables and tummies…now all the sudden, that unlocked door at the neighbor’s isn’t quite tempting, now it seems necessary, too good of an opportunity to let pass you buy….you say things like “they won’t know it was me!”, “well they shouldn’t leave their door unlocked if they don’t want to be robbed!”… “if they are going to be irresponsible and ask for trouble…then it’s trouble they will get, after all…”

Or your girlfriend cheats on you, you find out, you and her try to work it out and stay together, NOW her unattended cell phone isn’t a temptation, it’s her own damn fault for being stupid enough to leave it out!!

And lastly, the unfamiliar inviting lips of someone you shouldn’t even know, let alone fall for…In times of great sorrow, unfulfilled hopes and dreams, something shiny and new, something to make you feel less like you, and more like someone else, someone smarter, more attractive, worthy…and you’ll be taking that wedding ring off and shoving it into your pocket, and you’ll wonder how on earth it’s come to this.

Well folks, *sighs*, I wish I could tell you. Me, well, the one thing I do know is that I’m just as human as the rest of you…fueled by my heart, my emotions. I’ve been tempted and I’ve even been desperate, I’ve went straight when I should of turned and I’ve said no when my insides screamed at me to say YES! YES! YES! *laughs*

I guess the most important thing to have to help you along, to help you fight the good fight is:

#1 Know what you hold dear. Because when you know what’s important to you, you know it’s worth, you’ll be a lot less likely to do anything to jeopardize that.

#2 Always remember that cause = effect. Very few things in life have no consequence, could be good consequence, could be bad, but action pretty much demands some sort of reaction.

#3 Know yourself. Know your limits and what kind of person it is you want to be. People who know who they are, and what they want and don’t want in this life are far less likely to fall victim of circumstance.

And lastly ….

#4 Always surround yourself with people who hold you accountable, they love you for who you are, but they’ll also call you out when your going against all that they know you to be. These people are the people who make you want to be the best version of you possible.

These are the things that help me, and maybe they’ll help you too….

Because temptation is out there, and it’s not going anywhere….

Merry Christmas Heather...here I got NYC for you.... ~~Alex

In 1982, I saw my first movie set in NYC. The movie was Annie, and City, New York. I was curious on the spot. Curious about orphanages, Curious about rich bald men who ask that you call them daddy, and I wanted a broken locket of my very own to claim my long lost parents…

But that’s when it first hit me, that one day, I’d like to see the “big city”….I want to walk in Times Square, I want to lay in the grass in Central Park, I want to eat at that restaurant that Meg Ryan ate in when she looked over at the Empire State Building and saw a heart in "Sleepless in Seattle"…I want to see how green Lady Liberty is…I want to ice skate in Rockefeller Center and wonder around aimlessly in the Guggenheim…A million things to see, and only one little ole me….and I’m about 30 years behind schedule at getting started. *pouts*

It started in 1982, and it continues to this day… I used to have the NYC skyline hung on my wall in my bedroom, my last day planner was all Black and Whites of New York City shots, I watched every episode of Sex and the City including the movie (2008), and it’s hard not to want to run around in the vast concrete wonderland that some of my favorite characters of all time, Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte, called home. They served the city to it’s viewers on a silver platter and only made my desire to one day go even stronger of a conviction.

Recently something amazing happened, and a little unbelievable to be honest. I haven’t quite accepted it yet…not even while holding my itinerary printed off from Expedia in my hand. I’m going to NYC. Yeah, you just read that right, I’m going to NEW YORK CITY!!!

January 23rd – January 25th your dear friend / family member Heather will be jetting off to the Big Apple.

Here’s how it all happened:

See for my 30th Birthday (as many of you might remember) I had big plans. Oh, big fabulous lavish plans. I was going to Chicago, staying in a sweet high rise hotel with Alex (my very good friend from Italy) and Chris (another great friend from Iowa). We, a bunch of wide eyed and adventurous 30-somethings were going to rule that town for a weekend. I was then going to drive Alex down to Indianapolis and spend a couple days down there, however none of that happened because I wound up in the hospital, nearly dying and I missed the whole thing. Alex and Chris had to celebrate my birthday and our official meeting without me. I was disappointed beyond belief. There aren’t many moments in one’s life that compare in sheer disappointment.

So, I didn’t get to meet my dear friends….well, now fast forward to today…Alex and Lino (her friend from Italy) are coming to the US again. Headed to NYC for vacation. Chris and his wife are flying up as well. Alex has been begging me to find a way to come, but under my current financial crisis, then throw in the fact that my car just blew up…and well, there was really just NO WAY I could swing it, not even if I sold my kidney. And yes, I looked into it, apparently our economic failures as a country has caused the organ black market to be flooded by people who just like me wonder “Do I really need both kidneys?”

Wednesday, I get a text from Chris, he says “Can you get on g-talk? Alex wants to talk to you!” Unfortunately I was with a client and could not get on. Upon my arrival at home, I received the following e-mail:

Heather,

I want to ask you something... well actually I want to do
something for you. And you have to let me...

You know how much I want to meet you, and u know how
bummed we both were when we couldn't meet last Feb. in Chicago. Chris and
I have been talking and we think that it is too much of an opportunity to miss
if you don't come to NYC, so we have discussed it and decided.

Chris and I are giving you a gift this year... and your
gift will be NYC!

Just say yes and it will all be taken care of... flight
and hotel. It's only two nights. PLEASE say yes. I honestly don't
know when we will meet otherwise.. I have no idea when I’ll be back in the
US.

It would be an HONOUR for me and Chris to have you!
I love you lots n lots... and I am dying to meet you... so is Chris! Oh and lino
wants to meet you too! So... what do you say?

--

~ Alexandra ~

Of course I totally got all misty eyed….sat there in shock, and then began to panic, because well, I can’t let my friends do this for me! I mean, I may be flat broke, I may be destitute as can be right now, but I’ve never considered myself a charity case. What if I get there and they are like… “yeah, this is our white trash, dead ass broke friend from Ohio…yeah, we had to have her flown in just to be here…but she’s cool. We like her, even though she’s poor…and pathetic!” Okay, for the record, they’d never say that about me, but these are the things that run through my head in moments like these….my very FIRST kind of moment like this. Yeah, I was a bit out of my element in my response, but this whole thing came about so unexpectedly.

After a little convincing from Chris…and a scare tactic of his…where he said “you don’t want to piss off Alex do you? You know how feisty she can be!!”…and then a chat with Alex the next day, I said yes. I agreed to go.

I fly out of Dayton, and while my trip is being paid at the expense of my friends, I know they won’t regret it. Sometimes you meet people in life who MAKE life worth living. They do things they don’t have to, the love unconditionally, and they knock your socks off with kindness that you’ve never known before.

My friend D said that you can accept monetary kindness if #1-the person offering can afford to do it, and #2-the motive for the gift isn’t to win your love/approval/affection etc….well, I don’t believe my friends wouldn’t of offered if they couldn’t afford it, and I ALREADY love them to pieces, so they can’t buy that from me….so, that my friends is how I came about to say yes. Yes to NYC, yes to Alex and Chris, and yes to a new adventure, a visit that will be unlike any other…and one that I’ll surely never forget for as long as I should live.

Thanks Alex and Chris, I love you both dearly, and I will be SEEING you soon. Yeah, that’s right chumps…I said SEEING you! *smiles*

Lack of Sleep Idiocracy

Wow, I must really be more tired than I even thought....

See, yesterday at 3:00 a.m. my bf texts me and says he's on his way to Ohio. That he's packing his things and heading in this direction. First of all, had I had my wits about me at three in the morning, I'd of asked the fella, "Hey, what's up with leaving at three a.m.?" But i was tired and he said he missed me so he was just going to come..,so, I played the good gf and decided not to argue with the man...I mean, when a man says he wants to see his girl, and that girl is you...best to just let them be impulsive. We finished texting, he said he'd see me in the morning...but the damage had been done, the texting that woke me up, woke up the dog, and he had to go potty, so I had to get up...blah, blah, blah...didn't sleep well Monday night/Tuesday morning.

Then I arise early and head off to work, pretty stoked about the fact that my new bf will shortly be arriving in Ohio....only he stresses me the fuck out by not returning my three texts asking if he's ok...oh, until like 12:30 p.m. where he finally tells me he's fine, in the shower, IN PENNSYLVANIA still! Whaaaaa? What happened to Mr. wildly romantic I want to see you NOW guy? huh? Guess around three thirty it wore off, he laid down, you know the rest...

Anyway, so he arrives in Delphos around 7:00 P.M. and by this time, I'd been clocked in at job #2 for an hour, not scheduled to clock out until 11:30 p.m. I get home at quarter til twelve..and he's not here...I text him to come home....and at midnight or a little after, he arrives, scares the shit out of me, nearly makes me have a heart attack and drop the laundry basket i was carrying...and we crash onto the couch for a bit of talking and sitting closely. Not long after it's upstairs to the bed/bedroom...and at one thirty a.m. I'm still not asleep...I find my throat is parched and I'm in desperate need of some water....I mean, how my throat could get so dry just laying very still not doing anything naughty whatsoever is beyond me...*laughs*

So once again, just a few hours of sleep, then it's off to work again i go.

After work I drove all the way to Lima for a hair appointment that isn't even today, it's tomorrow. When I got home from work today, I forgot that I had a dog downstairs that needed to be let out. I scheduled myself to go look at an apartment at the same time I apparently have a hair appointment that I conveniently forgot I had on THURSDAY...NOT WEDNESDAY....and while sitting here now, I should be thinking about really important things, like getting my car fixed, or how I'm getting the money to pay for a new apartment...but instead, you know what my big tired mind concern is?!

I was just thinking to myself...."sure hope I find the matches to those three socks in that white laundry basket before I have to move." Wtf? Why on earth I'm using precious brain power that I can't afford to misuse on stray SOCKS is beyond me. I MUST BE TIRED.

I'm taking my latest netflix arrival upstairs, I'm going to put my clean laundry away, and I'm calling it a night folks.

No more date nights mid week after working a 13 1/2 half hour shift while going on only three hours of sleep. I'm too old for these kind of shenanigans!

December 2008 Product Review

Okay, so my blog has been all mushy love crap, OR “oh woe is me…my life sucks” crap….so in an effort to bring something new to the table today, I figured it was about time for another product review.

So single people, well, we have our own issues, not just emotional issues, but domestic living issues. For example, we can’t shop at Sam’s club, because it’s nearly impossible to eat in bulk…..we have no need for 100 rolls of toilet paper at a time, and a bar of soap goes for miles when you are the only one who uses it….well, unless you are super hairy, my ex-fiancé was a freaking sasquatch all hairy and stuff, and he could run through one pretty quick…not to mention all the hair stuck to the bar….ewwwww…gross…god I don’t miss that. Anyway, before I vomit in my mouth a little, I have to change the subject…

So….my point is, when you are single, you do stuff that families don’t have to do, or don’t want to do. One of these things being eating a lot of frozen tv dinners. Hmmmm….TV dinner….I wonder if people still call em that? Well regardless of what you call them, chances are, unless you are single you probably don’t eat a lot of them. Frankly, I try to avoid it if I can, BUT…every once in awhile, I’ll think to try them again, always being horribly disappointed by the fact that they have absolutely NO taste, they are jam packed full of preservatives and some of them will even give ya stomach cramps. Yeah, true story!

Well, last week, I was next door at Wal-Mart, and I decided to once again, go down that frozen food aisle, sick of fast food, and tired of trying to find things at home to pack…I was in need of change. I looked over the lean cuisine and remembered the tiny, tiny tasteless portions that leave that horrible aftertaste in your mouth, and pretty much guarantees you to be starving by 3:00 p.m., two-three hours before you should even be ready to eat another meal, which then leads to snacking, the afternoon crash of not being able to keep your eyes open….the only thing that keeps you awake is that god awful aftertaste in your mouth that has you digging frantically in your purse for a breath-mint or that one stray piece of gum you just KNOW was in there.

I looked at the hot pockets…and remembered how one bite will burn your tongue so badly that your taste buds will actually beg you to call shriner’s burn unit, that is, UNTIL you get to that wonderful center, when you bite into a chunk of meaty ice and gag and nearly hurl into your garbage can under your desk….

I looked at the “hungry-man” brand, and thought to myself…that while “yes”, I’m hungry, but I’m NOT a man…therefore, hungry-man really wasn’t my target lunch either…

Frustrated and hungry, I finally got to the “Healthy Choice” meals ruled those out, because we all know that “Healthy” translates to “tastes like shit”….

And then that’s when I saw “Marie Callender’s” little section. Hadn’t seen those before. And they were only $2.00/meal. Hmmm….is it possible that there was a meal that was the right size, the right quality AND the right price? Say it aint so!

So I picked up a handful of them, and decided I’d give Marie a try. And I’ve got to tell you, WOW! They are actually really tasty. They have enough calories in them to keep you satisfied until dinner, not so many that you’ll become a fat-ass after one week of eating them, flavor that actually makes you believe that someone made the dinner extra especially for you and you alone, and they are completely and surprisingly affordable.

So, for any single people out there who realize how sad it is to cook meals for one, have leftovers that get thrown out, or cook meals that you have to eat four days in a row just to consume…maybe give Marie a try...and if you do, let me know what YOU think.

FYI: The green beans with cranberries in the Turkey Breast with Stuffing meal, were reportedly “a little rubbery”…that observation made by my co-worker Jen whom I’ve recently gotten on board the Marie Callender’s frozen dinner bandwagon.

Personally I’ve had the Honey Roasted Chicken, Meat Lasagna and Creamy Chicken Parmesan. All were very satisfactory.

For more information go to: http://www.madewithloveandcare.com

Tis the Season to be Tested...fa la la la la, la la, la la

Crazy thing about life….it keeps coming at ya. New adventures, new trials, new errors.

Life is so ironic…..and sometimes unanswered prayers come to pass one day too late.

If life is a test, how do we study for it? Are there cheat sheets available? Can I write the answers on a little piece of paper, or on the back of my hand, so when that pop quiz unexpectedly blindsides you, you feel like, “whew…I’ve got the answers right heeeeere!”

Like for example, when your car breaks down…now that’s a test. How will you get home, who will you call….

“If a redheaded girl travels at 2.5 miles per hour by foot, when she’s 6 miles
from home, with a wind chill at 10 below, while not wearing her best winter
coat, how long will it take before she A) freezes to death, B) Arrives safely on
her doorstep, or C) is hit by a snow plow and not found until spring thaw?”

You have two minutes to answer, be sure to use a No. 2 Pencil. NO EXCEPTIONS!

Or say it’s in the way of relationships:

“If an ex lover of “Y” resurfaced after “x” amount of time, after “Y” is
committed to a 22 day old relationship, how long will it take “Y” to break down
in a moment of weakness? A} Never, because “Y” is totally committed and
could never violate the trust of someone she loved B} A week of
persistent pursuing OR C} A two drink minimum after a fight with her
boyfriend?

Or lastly, in the category of family:

“Should “Y” decide to go to “X-Christmas party” and “Y’s” estranged ex-father
were to also attend, should “Y”, A} run out the door while adamantly flipping
him off while screaming “You’ll never take me alive” B} Smile and
act like the man who used to beat her and tried to strangle her sister and kill
her mother with a shovel ISN’T standing two feet away practically breathing down
“Y’s” neck, OR C}Don’t go to the party?

Two of these scenarios I know the answer to. One I do not.

Lately, every day seems like a test, and not just any old test, a test with grand scale ramifications.

In college, I was like a total crazy person, it wasn’t good enough to get a “B”, no, no, I wanted that “A”….I wanted to have a 4.0 GPA, I wanted to learn, and take full advantage of the opportunity in front of me….but life is proving much, much harder to take advantage of, while it’s so persistently taking advantage of ME, it would seem. And what sucks is, while each new day brings a new test of some sort, you never really know how you scored.

Sometimes what we feel is a victory, is merely a failure in disguise. Self-restraint isn’t always proof of being strong, it sometimes is only given out of fear of losing something else, courage sometimes is only invoked in our greatest times of panic. And happiness sometimes only comes after we recover from an insurmountable loss.

If life is a test, I'm going to need some extra credit....

I can't help but feel that everything is about to change…..EVERYTHING.

~hl~

If it weren't for BAD luck, I wouldn't have any at all....

It all started with a flat tire on Monday….

Followed by a rejection e-mail on Wednesday….

Followed by my car blowing up on the way home Wednesday night.

Today I’m driving a green mini-van owned by my Aunt’s Lawn Care & Landscaping Business….and I’m beyond blue.

In times like these, you want to take comfort in your boyfriend, but he’s back in Pennsylvania, and apparently NOT with cell phone in hand, because the night came and went and I didn’t hear a word out of him...Which was quite possibly THE WORST day he could of picked to go MIA.

I’m NOT liking this long distance thing already.

I’m usually a glass half full kind of girl, but I think someone drank all the water in my glass and then pissed in it. My glass half full or half empty is still just a glass full of piss!

I could say, wow, I’m so lucky my car didn’t get that flat or blow up while on my way home from Wisconsin….that’d be the glass half full kind of thing I’d normally say…

But the fact of the matter is…I’m about to be homeless, my car just blew up, I can’t miss work because #1 I can’t afford to, and #2, my hospital stay earlier this year ate up all my vacation time.

I saved up all the money I worked for in Chicago to have for a deposit on a new place and my first month’s rent & Christmas for my family, but now I either have to fix my car which is in total disrepair, or buy a new one and have TWO car payments until my old current car is paid off in March….and when the hammer drops….and I HAVE to move out…I am screwed….even MORE screwed than before. And folks I gotta tell ya, I really didn’t think that was possible. I now know differently. I will NEVER again say…. “How can things possibly get worse?” Because that’s not a question, it’s an invitation.

What’s that saying…. “God never gives you more than you can handle?”….You think if I wave my white flag, God will see that maybe I’m not as strong as he seems to think I am?

I mean c’mon now…I could sure use a break here.

Bridget Jones says: it is a known fact that when one area of your life goes well, another part will fall disastrously apart. What do you think it means when ALL the areas fall apart simultaneously?

I think 2008 has it in for me….first my health took a crap, then because of my health, my finances were fucked, my love life has been pretty messed up, I got screwed outta my apartment by my roommate who now is going to have me homeless, and NOW, my car blew up, and it’s Christmastime, and it’s cold, and NOW is NOT the time to be homeless AND walking to work.

This thanksgiving, I was so thankful, I felt like the luckiest girl, a new boyfriend, great friends and family, gas prices were low, I was doing good saving some cash, had ½ my Christmas shopping done, I have the best little dog to curl up to at night, two jobs in a time when jobs are hard to come by….and a little car that got me where I needed to go.

And now….all those warm fuzzy feelings and hopefulness is tainted and soiled beyond recognition….except for the friends and family stuff….because while I was crying my eyes out yesterday feeling pretty hopeless, Steph, Kami, Angie, Darren, my mom and Bill all really came through for me, and they never let me down….my aunt Susan hooked me up with wheels, Kami offered, and hell Steph was going to drive me all the way to work and back if she needed to. My mom offered to loan me some money if my engine is blown, and Bills coming over tonight to assess the damage. Darren inspected my car, told me not to worry because he thinks my engine is ok, but that I blew the transmission…and then ate cookies with me and sat on the couch and talked to me until we were both exhausted….and THEN gave me a ride to go pick up the van at Susan’s.

I have said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times….while I’m unlucky in love, I am blessed with friendships, while I am cash poor, I am rich with people who love me and time and time again, show me that when life throws you lemons….there are ten people standing behind me picking them lemons up, and winging em right back at that life yelling… “leave our friend alone…you F*cking Jerk!!”

Just like Angie did for me that day on the school bus, when that big kid kept pulling my hair and physically hurting me…Angie stood up, just a little girl herself, and she bashed that guy right across the face with her Trapper Keeper….sometimes, you just need people in your life who have really big Trapper Keepers and the balls to stand up and push back. And while 2008 has NOT been my year, I’ve had the best friends to share the worst times with.

*sighs*….

Please dear lord let things get better…..

~hl~

Ms. Popularity I am NOT!

So the new job's going well....*laughs*...NOT!

Okay, well, I'm not complaining, I'm thankful as all get out to have the extra income....but.....

on my second day on the job, things were nuts.

I got called into work last Tuesday, I wasn't scheduled to work, and I was SUPPOSED to be packing and getting ready for my departure from Ohio for my Thanksgiving travels Wednesday night....but since it was the first time they called for help, I didn't figure it'd be a good idea to say no, so I changed my clothes and went in to help.

I get there, Kami introduces me to Julie, Julie delivers me to Tess (NOT HER REAL NAME) who looks disgustedly at me, like she'd just assume kill me than to work with me. So Julie tells her take care of getting me started, and she says...."I'm going to warn you right now, I'm a HUGE BITCH, so don't you even think for a second that I'm NOT!" I was like whoa....this is her opener...great, this ought to be a freaking treat! That's the best she's got? Wow, she really knows how to put her best foot forward don't she?!

She begins to describe what I'm to do, tells me insert this into that, get it off this pallet and that one....then stack em like this, turn them, and then go band them. And I'm like "what? Band them?" as I've not banded anything before, she grunts, rolls her eyes and says, "Didn't they show you how to do ANYTHING?!?!?!" And I'm like, "Hey, this is only my second day, we didn't band the job I worked on, on Friday!" She says..."COME WITH ME!!" She shows me how to do it, then walks away again back to our work area. I get back, begin to insert, and she looks at the woman working behind me and says..."Don't you just loooooooove new people?" And folks let me tell you, none of this was done in an effort that I wouldn't hear, see and feel her insults to their fullest.

So, I decide, best just to keep my head down, don't make eye contact. I give myself a pep talk, i say, "Heather, m'girl, you are here to work, sure, you could knock that bitches block off, knock her down a peg or two, but then you'd get fired and defeat the purpose for getting a second job...so just keep busy, work hard, and the harder you work, the faster you'll get outta here!"

Then, the pizza came. Apparently because it was such a crazy day, and everyone was working so long, and with a 2:30 a.m. deadline...the head guys wanted to keep everyone happy and not leaving for dinner breaks...so they ordered in Pizza for us. I was starved since I went straight from one job to the next and didn't have time to eat dinner before I came in. The pizza was laid out, it smelled so good, but i kept working, didn't want to seem too eager ya know....a couple ladies walked by and said, "Hey, you CAN go eat something!"...."it's OK, you don't have to keep working, go get yourself some pizza!"...so after a while, I did, but juuuust before I did, Tess said.."Must be fucking nice to only work an hour and then get free pizza and a break!" As she sneered at me from across the table. I wanted to jump across the table, grab her by her ponytail and be like..."Listen here you self proclaimed bitch....I worked all day too, not here, but I was working too! Just because I don't have 9 hours in here, doesn't mean i don't have nine hours in somewhere else! I'm part time, I don't work for $7.10 / hour as my MAIN job, this is EXTRA for me....So I can do without any EXTRA fucking lip from you! GOT IT!?!?!?!"

But naturally, that whole scenario only played out in my head, and not there in reality. I instead took a deep breath, smiled at her and said..."sure smells good!" and then walked away. Yeah, walk away heather, it's best to always walk away from acts of violence.

The rest of the night, I just did what i was supposed to, Kami gave me a couple pep talks...and eventually I was done and left to go home to pack. I survived the wrath of day 2.

Day 3 is Friday....lord grant me the strength to bite my tongue, kill em with kindness and get the job done that i was hired to do. Amen.

Oh Emma....what will she say next?

Kids, ya gotta love em right?

The last few weeks, I've had the pleasure of seeing my niece Emma and my nephew Lane quite a bit...and they never cease to amaze me with the things that come out of their mouths.

Emma especially.

So remember I told you my ex husband was going to be staying at my sister's house while he and my cousin Cole did some deer hunting? Yeah, well there Keith was sitting there, Emma crawls into his lap, looks him right in the eye, and dead seriously asks him: "Hey, do you have a wiener down there"...{said while pointing to his crotch area}.

Naturally Matt (my brother-in-law and Emma's dad) and Cole started dying laughing and said, "Yeah Keith, DO you have a wiener down there? We've often wondered ourselves!!!" {laughing their butts off of course}

When the finally did re-gain their adult-esque composure, Matt tells Emma something along the lines of, "Emma that's not funny"...and she says "Well, it must be funny......YOU LAUGHED!"

Seriously though, how, as a man, do you even answer that question. Do you tell the five year old, "yes dear, i do!"...do you lie and say "No"?

THEN......

While at Thanksgiving Dinner at my sister's In-Law's house, we were all seated at tables lit by candle light, everything was pretty fancy....and leave it my niece to keep it real....

So there's another little girl about six-ish and Emma who's now five and they are playing, running from table to table eating all the mini gherkins...and being ornery in nature. They then run into Alice's (our host) bedroom. They are back there playing and whatnot, and it's announced that dinner is ready. The kids are beckoned to the table, and at this time, Emma is in the restroom, and Faith (the other little girl) runs to get her. She knocks at the door and says: "C'mon WOMAN!!!, hurry up using the restroom!"...and my dear sweet Emma hollers back "I'm not USING the restroom, I'm picking my nose!" and i don't know what's more funny, the six year old saying "C'mon WOMAN!" to her five year old friend, which I'm SURE she heard her dad say to her mother a time or two.....or the five year old clarifying that she WAS NOT using the restroom, but instead, PICKING HER NOSE!

Oh, kids, they are so good at giving the gift of laughter...

In Other News:

Heather's a retard!

Yeah, you read that right....REEH-TARD! Should you need me to sound it out for you.

Listen to what I did....this one's a doozy.

So there I was Friday night, chatting it up with Justin on the phone. He's had a few drinks in him, which i kind of enjoy because he's super chatty when he's been drinking....

So we're chatting, things are going well, we covered some serious issue bases, we laughed and joked about fun things (ie: my family, funny stories, sex) flirted some...all is going great.

THREE times...yes THREE times during the conversation, I nearly accidentally tell him I love him, only to slap myself, and then ask myself "HEATHER WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING????!!!!????"

While discussing him possibly moving to Delphos someday, I ALMOST say, "well there's someone in Delphos who loves you"....with a quick stop short, pause and regroup, I come back with "Someone in Delphos would LOVE for you to move here.."...Whew close one! Good recovery Heather, a quick pat on the back and the conversation moves onward...

Then in a serious moment, he totally blindsides me and HE says it. He tells me he loves me. Great right? Yeah, I mean, I was speechless for a minute, and for those of you who know me, you know I'm RARELY speechless. So instead of being a good girlfriend and saying.."I love you too baby", like I wanted to say to him, I freeze up and say... "how do you know?" And friends, let me tell you, when a man says he loves you, it is NOT good to follow that with "how do you know?" I might as well said the infamous "Thank you" afte he said it and then castrated him just for kicks to make sure I really did the job..

Anyway, so he feels awkward because i didn't say it back, and I tell him, it's not that i don't WANT to say it back, it's just that I don't like to have these kind of big moments of my life on the telephone. My sister Angie says I'm an idiot, and shouldn't try and make moments be when i want them, and i should take them as they come...but seriously, if i say "i love you" for the first time to someone, i want it to be when I'm WITH them, when i can see their face, touch them, taste them, feel them....it just wouldn't be as meaningful to me to say it over the phone....or under the influence of alcohol. So....I tried to explain myself, but I think I may have really set us back in the "love department" here.

Anyway....so the conversation is recovered, we talk longer, say goodnight...all is well.

Next day, Breakfast with my mother and grandmother at Baked to Perfection, followed by visiting with my mother, grandmother and Aunt Diane at my grandmother's house. Justin calls, I say "Hi babe!"...we chat a bit, he asks what I'm doing, i tell him I'm visiting, but will be leaving in just a few moments...and ask him if i can call him back when i get in the car, he says "Ok"..and I say....and get this....I say "love you!"...as naturally as if I'd said it to him a million times before. He pauses...and says "I love you too, talk to you in a little bit, bye"...

FUCK! How on earth did I manage to do THAT!?!?!?!?! I wanted it to be special, I wanted it to be in person, and I fuck it all up and say it as simply as saying "hello" or "goodbye"....

*sighs*...now I've went and done it haven't I?

Could I BE any clumsier in love?

Is it possible that i could fuck this whole love business up anymore than i already have?

Stay tuned, for if anybody can, Oh, my friends, it will be ME!

Say it with me.......REEEEEH-TAAAAARDED!

Someone shoot me...!!

The New Job....Extra, Extra Read all about "Heather the Inserter!"

So, in an effort not to find myself homeless this holiday season, I scoured my options in finding ANOTHER part time job. You all know I HATED the video store job, so I wanted to choose more wisely this time. Kami suggested I apply for the train conductor job at the mall right next to the Santa shop outside of Macy’s…and I considered it. I mean, i have tons of ride-giving experience, camel rides, pony rides, I was a horse guide at my parents' stable growing up....I've even rode a llama once....so I was pretty sure I could push a button to make the little train go round and round....But what I finally applied for was a job at Eagle Print in Delphos as an inserter.

It had flexible hours, it was close to home, and it was perfect in the regards that I won’t have to run into my dad at this job. See if I’d of applied at the gas station, or the carryout, or a restaurant, chances are, he’d eventually find out I work there and then I’d HAVE to see him, as he’d make it a point to come around. That’s how he is.

So anyway, getting a job that would tuck me away from the public was a definite bonus to the job.

So Thursday I turned in my application, and by Friday at 5:25 p.m. I was reporting to my first night at work. Kevin (Kami’s Husband) was there to meet me and show me where to sign in and stuff. Then he delivered me to Deb, who was kinda “in charge”…well at least of me she was. She showed me what to do, and I rolled up my sleeves and began the task of putting section B, into Section A of “The Early Bird” newspaper and so it went. Insert, count out 25, shuffle and straighten, turn and do it again, once in a stack of 50 (a turn) walk them over, put them on a pallet and begin again. Easy right?!

Right. The first few hours weren’t bad, I just worked away, minding my own business, occasionally chatting with the lady on my table, but mostly, it was easy to get lost in your own thoughts….I kept my head down, did my work and tried not to notice all that was going on around me. Like my table-mate’s son coming in the two of them exchanging explicits, hands thrown in the air, angry glares, finished with my tablemate getting money out of her purse, handing it to her son, and then watching him disappear into the equipment and gone. I didn’t know at the time if it was her son, lover, boyfriend or husband until later when she told me.

We started off with like 10 inserters, but then one guy left for lunch and didn’t come back, another girl wasn’t feeling well and she took off, said her legs hurt, while yet another said she FORGOT that her husband had to work and she had to go home to take care of the baby, and that girl’s tablemate then had to go to give the other girl a ride home…and then there were six of us, one by one, they all dropped out and left me, Deb, Boyd, Dave, the redheaded curly haired girl and Lance.

We busted our asses and got it done, but towards the end of the night, your hands are black as black can be, your legs and back and shoulders are all starting to tighten and hurt, and your eyes and your nose burn from the black ink that’s in the air. I have proof it exists as I blew black stuff outta my nose that night when I got home. Ewwwww.....gross!

So, I worked 5 hours, I make $7.10/hr at my new found part time gig, but the stories alone I’ll get from this job will be worth it I think. As I work with a rather interesting group of individuals. Nice, but interesting. I don’t work again for awhile since I’m going out of town to see Justin and my family up in Wisconsin, but I’m sure there will be more to tell you upon my return to being “Heather The Inserter”.

I just did the math, at $35.50 / week, I should be able to afford the house I want to buy on 1st street in approximately 159.62 years. Which will make me 189.62 years old. Awesome huh?! Well, it's good to have goals....my new goal being figuring out a way to live to be 189 years old. *laughs*

If I don’t write again before, hope you all have a very Happy Thanksgiving. Eat well, Laugh and enjoy the time with your loved ones. Oh, and if you go out on “Black Friday”….Good Luck and may God have mercy on your soul. *smiles*

~hl~

I'll leave you with some colorful quotes from my new co-workers:

"Did you say you had weed?"

"So, uh, you gotta a boyfriend errr what?"

"God I need a drink!"

Them: "So you going to the bar with us after this?"

Me: "uh no, i think I'm going to get something to eat and head home."

Them: "Home to your boooooooyfriend?"

Me: "No, he's not home"

Them: "You probably aren't old enough to drink anyway!" "How old are you?

Me: "Thirty"

Them: "NO WAY! I thought you were like 19-20!"

Me: "*laughs*....I'm 30, I promise."

Them: Raised Eyebrow and a long..."Hmmmmmm"

"My sixteen year old daughter is a fucking bitch!"

" I didn't tell her to give up her bastard baby, I mean, i Love my grandson...I just said if you aren't going to get up and take care of him, then give him to someone who WILL!"

"That's my stalker, his name's ___________, but he's ok, he's a fruitcake, but he's ok."

and last but not least....my all time favorite:

"Do you think it's fucked up that people get me gift certificates to the bar?"

Ex Husbands and New Boyfriends....and one big sister's comment:

So while I’m supposed be waiting until Thanksgiving to see my new boyfriend, I couldn’t do it! I missed him, so in a romantic gesture last weekend, I drove the 8 hours to my sister’s to see him. I know, I know…it was a crazy thing to do, but that’s just me for ya, I go with my emotions, my heart said do it…and my heart a lot of times trumps my brain, and while some people think it’s dumb (people like my mother), some people find it to be romantic (people like my bf). Then there are OTHER people (ehhmmm..KAMI) who think it’s my libido that drives me…but I got to tell you, it’s the “nook” not the “nookie” that I love so much. You know that spot where a man’s neck slopes into shoulder & chest, and they pull you close and you rest your head and face there. You smell them, you feel them breathing, and you fit as if you were made to lay RIGHT there. Yeah, I’m slightly addicted. But anyway..back to the trip…I got there around 1:30 a.m. Saturday morning.

You should of seen his face when I woke him up, sitting there in the dark…I shook him a bit and said to him, “hey, what are you doing?” He just stared at me FOREVER…for a minute I wondered if he had amnesia and forgot who I was or something, but eventually, a huge smile appeared upon his face and he said to me “you crazy girl, what are you doing here?”…I say to him “Oh, I was just in the neighborhood, thought I’d swing by and say hi…so, HI!...I’ll be going now” and I tried to get up to leave and he threw his arms around me and pulled me right down next to him and he nestled into my hair and held me tight.

He was so surprised, and all weekend long, he just smiled every time he saw me. It’s an odd realization when you get to physically see that you make someone happy. I was like, WOW, I drove 8 hours to see him, and he acts like HE just won the lottery. *laughs*…

So anyway, my sister, (whom I love and adore btw) says to me, “Don’t you think maybe you are getting involved with someone a lot like your ex-husband?” And I’ll be honest, I was immediately like…(in my mind)…SHUT UP!! *laughs*…because NOBODY wants to think that they are marrying someone just like their dad, errr…uh, well at least not MY dad, and the only thing worse than that is starting to date someone who reminds you of your ex-husband.

But here’s the thing. I married Keith for a reason. It wasn’t an accident. I didn’t enter into “til death do we part” with someone I didn’t think was worthy of my love, worthy of sharing my life with. Keith was a great guy when I met him. He was kind and giving and he sure liked me…he was fun and active and he was someone I saw myself despite all odds falling head over heels for. And I was too. We had a whirlwind romance because we both fell really hard, really fast.

Well, anyway, “Justin” may have similarities to my ex, but upon review of what Angie said, the thing is, If Keith had loved me, pulled me into his arms when I needed it, held my hand when I felt weak…if he’d of invested even an ounce of what he invested in his hunting and fishing, if he’d of invested that kind of love and devotion to ME, to US, we’d still be together. Sure he did some bonehead things…some REALLY bonehead things that I’d get so pissed about, but the God’s honest truth is, when you love someone, really love them, you can hate their action, but still love them come the end of the day. You can want to kill them one minute, and then see them trip on the top step, laugh your ass off, and then run out to see if they are ok.

Now, do I love “Justin”?…heck I don’t know, this is all still really new. I can tell you that I “LOVE” being with him. I love how he makes me smile and how I have the same effect on him…I love that he calls when he says he will, and he’s so optimistic that things will work out, even though the odds are really stacked against us. I love that he calls me “Baby” and is counting down the days until he sees me again, like a kid counting down to Christmas. It’s really kind of adorable. Shhhhhhh…don’t tell him I called him adorable!

So for any of you out there who think that perhaps I’m trying to find another Keith…well, you all loved Keith when I was married to him, rememberrrrrr? If Justin’s like Keith, well, that’s not the worst thing you could say about him, let’s just hope that Justin, like Keith, just doesn’t wake up and realize that I’m not worth the effort anymore.

Just because some days I want to knock Keith’s perfectly new white teeth outta his head, the very teeth he refused to get fixed while “I” was married to him, it doesn’t mean I hate him. *laughs*…I don’t. He’s a good dude all in all, he just let some of his newly acquired bad qualities, outshine his good ones. It happens.

Nuff about Keith…he is my past, and I’m looking to the future, the future of new and exciting craziness, grand romantic gestures, and the spark of a new relationship.

The holidays are coming, and this year, I’ll be making memories with someone new. And that’s worth writing about.

~hl~

ps - On a side note, do you think it's going to be awkward that my ex-husband is going to stay at my sister's house to go deer hunting and my new boyfriend is ALSO there staying at my sisters while he is remodling their garage into living space? So the two of them are going to be co-existing under the same roof for a bit. Only in my world do my old loves and new loves overlap quite like this. Good Luck Justin! Be good!

Lunch Conversation of Love:

Yesterday, My ex-boss took me out for lunch, as he often times likes to do. See he is a widower and after his wife passed, he hit the dating scene for the first time in years….so, as a newly single man, he had a lot of stuff going on, so who better to tell his exploits to than his single, no-longer employed by him administrative assistant.

He’s since recently re-married and now the only stories he has to tell me are of his wife joining weight watchers and how he’s going to support her efforts and eat the healthful snacks she’s stocking the shelves with, and the crazy tales of his newly inherited kids.

Oh, sure, it’s still interesting conversation whenever I get to catch up with him…..but now the topic has turned from dating, from looking for love, to what to do when you’ve found it. He’s found it, and yesterday over lunch, he asked me if I had.

See last time we met for lunch, I wasn’t dating much, had really wished to swear the whole thing off really, but he encouraged me to get out there, and try some dudes out. *laughs*…his words, not mine. I think he threw the “dudes” in there for my benefit…but anyway….so, this time, on this lunch outing, it was a rarity for me to actually have some news to report. The news being that I’ve met someone.

I’ve mentioned him a bit in previous posts, loving referred to him as “Justin”…which he will continue to be as it’s still my duty to protect the innocent. So I tell him the story of Justin and I, how I’ve known him forever, how this year, things just clicked and we became a lot more to one another than we had been in all the years before combined…and being as my ex-boss himself just recently said “I DO”…words that chill me to the bone normally, I asked him “How do you know if someone’s the infamous ONE?”…and he says to me, “How do you EVER know if someone’s the one?”

I said, “you are brave, to have that kind of optimism about love and marriage.” I used to have that, I dove in head first with Keith and well, the results weren’t nearly as optimistic as my hopes once were going into it. My ex-boss has been married three times before his current wife. Two ending in divorce and each producing lovely children, while the third, he was the happiest with, and he lost her to Cancer. A wonderful, WONDERFUL woman she was. So to lose the love of his life, and then to take another stab at love, for the 4th time…well, it’s just kind of amazing to me.

So I thought about it, and I thought some more…and here’s what popped in my brain…..Maybe you don’t ever REALLY know, but I think the best way to judge, FOR ME, is that if someone comes along that makes me WANT to take that extra step, and fearlessly allow myself to fall for them, then I think it’s because somewhere in me, I know it’s ok to fall, because that person will be there to catch me. I’m not going to fall and crack my head open on a slab of concrete….I’m not going to fall and impale myself on a bed of nails, I’m falling into something warm, something loving, something that is the very thing that all humans need, and that’s a REAL connection to another.

So, am I falling you might ask?....Ummmmm…..*smiles*….I might be. There’s a lot to consider in matters such as these, you have to strip away those butterflies in the stomach, try to see through that initial love haze that makes you feel like you are walking on air….and then try to do what women sometimes have a difficult time with, and that’s to logically see if this is doable. *laughs*…but what’s logical about love anyway? How can you make sense out of something that sometimes doesn’t make any sense at all? For example, why did I spend the majority of my life never seeing Justin as anything other than a friend, and then one day, WHAM like someone wacked me on the head, he looked different, all shiny and new? Does that make any sense? What’s LOGICAL about THAT?

Poor Justin, he’s such a trooper, I tried like hell to keep him out. I acted indifferent, I pushed him away when he tried to get closer, but all he had to do was wrap those arms around me, hold me tight while nestling his face in my hair and I totally melted. I don’t know how he did it, I don’t know why he picked me, but damnit he’s got me hooked. HOOKED I tell you.

So….that’s the scoop. I’m not in over my head in love, but I am knee deep in it I think. And while I should be scared to death, funny thing is, I’m not. There you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth…errr….fingertips I guess in this case.

Wish me luck!

~hl~