Three of the Best Friends I Ever had:

It's Tuesday Night.....while the world watched terrible singers on American Idol....I was home....just me and kitty. We just finished watching seabiscuit....I'd never seen it before...and darn it if those triumphant animal stories don't just choke me up in the end.

There I was sitting on my big red couch saying..."GO SEABISCUIT GO!!" I'm a sucker for horse movies....ever since I was a kid....I was addicted to horses, everything horses...
I subscribed to horse magazines, I drew them when I doodled, and I would race off the bus and down the driveway to see my precious steed each and every day.

When the whole world didn't understand me, my horses did. I would lay with them in the straw at night when all the other barn noises fell silent, I found solace in the sound of that big beautiful creature breathing in my ear. Nuzzling my cheeks and looking at me with those big dark eyes.

There simply are no greater creatures than our equine friends in my opinion.
Three of the best friends I ever had:
First there was Apache...the most obstinate mischievous horse I had ever met. in him I had met my match. He was beautiful, clever, spoiled rotten...I God I loved him. My parents hated him....always causing problems for our stable riders.

Then Came Pawnee. She wasn't much to look at, She and I shared in the reddish-orange hair....she was kind of ugly some might even say, but she had the heart of a thoroughbred and could run faster than any little horse I'd ever been on. She was a fierce competitor, so when I trained her to barrel race, she took to it like she was born to do it. I remember that my first and only year showing her...most of the kids that showed were well off, snobbish, and well spoiled. They were daddy's little girls riding their cute little ponies and winning the ribbons they knew that they would. I was a fish out of water there. I remember thinking that me and my poor ugly Pawnee, we were like the "country folk" in the big city. Thank God she was there.....we just stuck together and we manged to do just fine. She was the only horse I ever got to show and we won a couple ribbons, but ribbons didn't much matter to me, it was all about showing those other girls that pretty fat horses run slow...ugly skinny redheaded horses could run with the best of em! I remember in practice hearing the whispers...that was until I let her reins loose and she bolted....running so quickly around the barrels, the tears would stream out of the corners of my eyes... by the time we got back to the starting line....they were whispering all right, but this time their tune changed just a bit. I would just smile at them....a nice warm welcoming smile. Yeah, it's no wonder my parents only allowed me to compete that one year.

Then came the distinguished gentleman of the three, Smokey. He was tall dark and handsome and such a joy to ride. Always laid back but would be up and running with only the slightest encouragement by me. I couldn't even begin to count the amount of hours I spent on his back, or how many rides he and I went on together...just wondering around the trails along the Auglaize river....hearing the leaves crunch under his hooves....hearing him snorting the dust from his nostrils.....so many times he was an escape for me, so many times I wanted to ride off into the sunset with him, away from all of my problems.....He was majestic in my eyes...and he always will be.

It's funny how I grew up everyday with horses right outside my window...and now, there isn't anything I wouldn't give to be right back there again. Nobody ever made movies or wrote novels about my three little ponies....but they were as great as any horse ever glorified ever was.

Swimming and Sex

Just got home awhile ago....my hair is wet and I smell of chlorine.

I love swimming. I love it because it's a lot like sex...

You are wet

You are next to naked while doing it

You lose yourself while in the process

and when you finally come up for air, you feel thoroughly exhausted and physically satisfied.

after a quick dip in the hot tub and you are ready for a nap....yep, a night swimming is a lot like sex.

So don't ya'll worry about me...in the absence of sex...I've got my swimming.

For all you GA fans....it was this or knitting....so you know....I had to do something!!

Why didn't any of you tell me??

Okay....this is what I want to know....how is it that I made it through 28 years of life without ever knowing that laundry detergent freezes?

I went to do my laundry and found that I had only a bottle of ice to work with. I had to go in the bathroom and run hot water in the jug and slush it around just to get enough diluted detergent to do a couple loads.

I swear, just when you think you've got this whole "making it on your own" thing down....you have another set back! *wink*

Oh....one more thing:

Laundry Tip #1 - Dryer #11 runs forever on only a quarter. It's quite possibly one of the most coveted of dryers in all of Delphos.

The Morning After:

I have one word for you.....OUCH!

I woke up this morning to my alarm going off...the cell phone alarm that I set while still at the bar last night....to awake me for Sunday morning church. Next came a text message from Breanne, my church going partner to make sure I was still going....for she was also at the bar last night and I'm sure feeling a little reluctant to get out of bed herself.

In order to hit snooze on my very loud alarm, I reached with my arm and a shooting pain shot through my arm originating in my armpit region. I coughed and felt the pain in my abs...and then I remembered I had started working out again yesterday....and I was S-O-R-E, sore.

I swung my bare legs outta bed realizing that I forgot to put on my pajamas before crawling into bed the night before.....and the act of standing introduced me to my pounding head. Ah, yes...let the hangover begin.

At this point I was wishing I wouldn't have committed to going to church this morning....seeing how I haven't been to my old church in over six years, but I knew that it was the right thing to do, headache or not.

It was wierd being back there....the last time I was there was on my wedding day. The last time I was there I was wearing a white dress and promising forever to someone I'm no longer with. That first time back is never easy....but there were a few people who came up to me and Breanne after church that remembered me from when I attended there as a kid/teenager. They were nice and they made me thankful that I decided to get out of bed.

Now back home, headache gone, Church clothes hanging safely back in the closet, I'm off to do my laundry and then to work out with Steph. And tomorrow morning I'll surely awake sore again...

I think I might spend a little extra time in the hot tub after my workout today...maybe that'll help a bit.

Hope ya'll have had a pleasant weekend...and will have even a better week ahead.

~hl~

Written Under the Influence of Alcohol

It's 2:00 a.m. I'm slightly intoxicated....and smiling.

What is it about being at a bar, the smoke, the music, the drinks.....that makes you feel like you are semi-normal again.

Tonight I saw the guy I used to make out with when I was a teenager. I used to babysitt for my cousin Terrie's kids and this guy used to ride his Harley down to where I was just to make out with me on the front step. I remember him smelling amazing.....looking at me with "those eyes" and then riding off on his bike to do only God knows what.....I think back on that now and I'm like...."DAMN!!" I can't believe I used to make out with him....I must have been only 15 years old. For he's considerably older than I am.....

Tonight....I was told that I looked really good by the guy who used to make my toes curl with delightful teenage kisses, I was asked out by a guy I only knew for about 20 minutes who told me that "there's just something about me, in the way I carried myself" and yet, with a world of possibilies at hand, I walked home alone with the snow falling down all around me....smoking a lonely cigarette and wondering why I've been hiding myself away in my apartment.

Maybe I do have something left to offer.....to whom...I don't know....when will I be ready....there's really no telling.....but for tonight.....I managed to come home with enough alcohol in my system to make me fall, fast, fast asleep....beyond that....I know of nothing else.

Goodnight
~hl~

A Little Living Left To Do:

Today was yet another good day. I woke early.....went to the YMCA and re-established my membership. I've been missing it lately....the feeling of sore tired muscles, the smell of chlorine on my beachtowl....the feeling of being submerged in water, losing myself it in...and allowing everything in life just fade way except the sound of my pounding heart and the methodic stroke of my arms at my sides. Although walking around in my bathing suit in January always seems a bit odd...never have gotten used to that.

Steph joined with me, so I have her undying support and friendship even when it comes to physical fitness it appears.....God I love her! Of course she has her own weightloss/fitness motives that have nothing to do with me, but I like to believe that she's just being supportive of me though these troubling times.

Right now, I'm all dressed up and waiting to go. I'm showered, I smell good, my hair is done and I'm even wearing lipstick......I'm going out tonight! Today is a step in the right direction.....forget the past, forge into the future.....do something for myself that makes me feel good and improves my health....get spiffed up and get out there....start living.....like you have your whole life ahead of you....because, I'm not dead yet....I think there's still a little living left to do......

Quote of the Day: "I'm going to get in such good shape that I can wear nothing but dental floss and bandaids.....and look fantastic in them!"

I have that feeling again.....

Something is in the air as of late. Like the skies seem brighter....or....something...I find myself very aware of how big the world is, and how I'm just one tiny little person in the middle of things. But not so tiny that I can't go where I want and do what makes me happy. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I feel it. I had this feeling this summer.....right before everything was about to change...I wonder if there's yet another change in store for me that I'm vaguely aware of. Is there a move in my future....a new relationship.....maybe I'm about to win the lottery....I can see the headlines now...."In the midst of a divorce, left without even enough money to afford cable, local small town Ohio girl hits the jackpot!" Just ONCE, I'd like to say that I hit the jackpot, whatever kind of thing warrants the name of "jackpot" I want to hit it. You know what they say, you have to pay to play, and you have to play to win.

I don't know what it is, but my apartment seems cozier, the cold isn't so bothersome, food even tastes better. There's definately something in the works....I hope it's something positive this time.

My name was published in the Newspaper this week for my impending dissolution....always nice to know that my relationship woes are newsworthy. I should really clip that out and save it. I mean, you only get divorced once right....RIGHT!!!!????

Anyway, the bathwater is just about ready, the candles are lit.....and there's new book from the library just waiting to be opened. This sounds like such a "girly" way to spend the evening, and for the first time in my life, I'm embracing my "girly" side a little more openly....I want to wear pink instead of black, paint my toenails some random sparkly color....and slip into something satin and slightly sexy before crawling into bed......Oh, and did I mention I have homemade wine in my refrigerator?!? Wine so good that it makes you wish there were no bottom to your glass.....I've been looking forward to this all day....I haven't felt much like saying this lately....but life is good you know it!? If you can just shelve all the bullshit that gets you down, put that restless stirring to bed for the night....things start to jump out at you that you for so long had totally been missing.

This mood may be short lived....so you can understand why I had to write this particular post....I don't want to forget this feeling of happiness. So there!! Now I've got proof that it's possible, even for me.

~hl~

Snow Day Road Rage Utterances.......

Look.....all I'm saying is that if you are going to drive a trailblazer, then you best be blazing some f*cking trails....

Inspiration & Loyalty

I just finished watching lord of the rings "The Return of the King". I watched the second one yesterday. What a beautiful tale of undying friendship, honor, and loyalty to the human spirit.

It was truly inspiring and for a girl in little old Delphos, Ohio in Mid January when the streets are quiet and the air outside raps at the windows freezing everything in it's path...to be warmed from the inside out by a simple story is quite a blessing.

Tonight my sister Angie called me and told me her tale of disappointment. My nephew Lane is being "dedicated" at church on Sunday. One of his sponsor's Sherry called at the last minute and said she couldn't make it. Two others also broke their news of not being able to attend. She's disappointed I know....and she asked me..."Heather, why is it that I want to believe that people would go out of their way for me....why do I want so badly to see that good will towards others really does come back around?" "How do I protect my son from all the "let-downs" that people are surely going to bestow upon him?"

My reply: "Angie, people suck sometimes!" "And we cannot protect little Lane from the lessons he must learn just as we ourselves had to learn.....for he'll never know to appreciate the good people, the loyal people in his life if he never knows the taste of disappointment." "It is not for us to protect him, but we are to allow him to learn and experience ALL that life has to offer, the good, the bad and everything in between." "He'll be all the better for it."

Not all people are loyal, not everyone keeps thier promises to one another.....THANK GOD there are some who still do.

Faith in others can make a heart weary when we are let down by the very people we held faith in......but the reward of believing in someone and seeing those beliefs, those hopes, those aspirations of the human spirit come to pass.....far outweigh the cost of any hardship brought on by simply believing.

Goodnight........

~hl~

Love isn't Blind, the Quest for it is:

Yesterday I learned that every question that we have about ourselves we ourselves hold the answer to. But we really are our own worst enemy in allowing those answers to find the light of day. Mostly we don't even know that we do it, but deep within ourselves, there's a lock box of truths. Answers to all of those things that we find ourselves saying over and over again....Why do I do this? And why do I do that? What's wrong with me? etc, etc. You all know how guilty I am of this!!!

I truly believe that we for some reason or another have forgotten how to pick the lock to our own self truths. BUT, when we ourselves cannot pick the lock, I have found that there is another way. When someone really loves you.....loves you so much that only they are brave enough to take on the challenge of pulling out those deeply repressed self truths they CAN make them visible to you. Only through love does this occur.

I am lucky....for I am loved deeply....I am loved thoroughly.....and without any explanation at all...I am honored with the love and devotion of a few.

I cannot go into great detail about this for it is still a mystery even to myself at times....but lately I have overlooked some grave warning signs that were there all along, but they were disguised in goodwill and chemistry.

Sure a fire is quite pretty....and you find yourself longing gazing upon it's ever changing colors and flickering of golden amber lights....but you can't just stand there and let it burn you with it's beautiful qualities.....for in the end all you'll have left is a pile of ashes. I don't want to be a pile of ashes.....remnant's of the girl who I used to stand there in awe of a fire.

I want to be a lover......not a common whore

I want to be a friend....not space to fill when loneliness sets in

I want to be trusted for my honesty....not questioned of my motives

I want to be believed in as I believe in others....

I want to be loved....because love never pushes you out the door the morning after.

And lastly....I want to be missed when I'm gone.....because life is short and we don't all get the opportunity to get EVERYTHING right the first time. Nor does the PERFECT love ever come along.....because there's no such thing....Love is a beautifully flawed human gift. Even when it's gripping you and feel your world crashing down....love has as much power of redemption as it does destruction.

Love is NOT blind, it's all seeing, all knowing.....it knows of the damage being done, it knows when the fires of passion burn low......love does not turn a blind eye.....we do. They are our eyes, and we choose to see what is most pleasing to us, because we simply don't want to deal with the alternative.

I've been fooling myself.....walking around with my eyes wide closed. Painting myself a rosy picture around every corner where emotional dependence was concerned.....Oh, I thought I was so disconnected that it wouldn't hurt....I was strong enough to keep everything arms length way from my heart.....but as it turns out, the walls I built around me, well let's just say I didn't start off with a very good foundation....

I don't have anything clever or poetic to end this with tonight.....and to most of you, none of this will make much sense....and that's okay....not everything in life does..... *big sigh*

Yeah....I think I'll end it with a *sigh*...that about sums it up.

My New Favorite Song:

Jewel - Good Day Lyrics

I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge door wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mine's racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, just hotter.
The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we
can't catch
But still we laugh
I go back upstairs, turn off the TV
You say "I'll be okay baby, just wait and see."

It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay
Gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
Gonna okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be...

The Ties that Bind Sometimes Leave you Behind.

I'm not one who cuts ties....the term packrat is used to describe people who cannot stand to part with things...in essence, these people are afraid to lose. Well I'm a packrat when it comes to people. I rarely ever sever all connection....I'm THAT girl who never says things like, "I don't ever want to speak to you again!!" "I hate you!" or things that have such final results on being said.

Tonight however, its time I cut some ties that are long, long overdue.

Goodbye is never easy.....knowing that you've hung on to someone who never wanted to retain you in the first place is hard to swallow in itself. So like a band-aid, there's no easier way than to just rip, wince through the pain, and allow some healing time before you start to wish you hadn't done it.

If I had to have a theme song tonight....It'd be "Cleaning out the Closet" by Eminem

Tomorrow, I'm going online and looking at jobs far away from here....Chicago is sounding better and better all the time.

BathTime:

I don't know if it's because I'm an aquarius which is a water sign....but nothing soothes away the stress of a day or the worries of the soul quite like a steaming hot bath.

I think clearer while submerged in water, I feel every muscle surrender to its heat.

I have a lot on my mind at the moment.....but I'm not going to post it tonight...instead, it's off to put on my new comfy pj's, then I'm crawling into bed and finishing the book I set out to finish three days ago. Tonight's the night.

Goodnight

~hl~

Loved Movie Quote:

"Nobody will ever want to shag you if you are crying all the time!"

I know it's just a line in a movie, written by some writer in L.A. most likely....but that's advice you can use! *wink*

Driving Rain and a Kitty-cat:

It's raining...and has been raining for days. I drove to Dayton in the rain and returned in the same. I hear some people actually like the rain, they find it to be soothing.....who are these people and how do i get in touch with them to ask them if they know how to make it stop!!

I suppose it's better than snow though, rain in January indicates mild temperatures and for that I won't complain.

This is going to be a fairly random post....so don't say I didn't warn you.....

I bought a new pair of PJ's this weekend and I've got to tell you, as I sit here at my computer with a cup of hot tea and my new sleepwear on, I'm feeling quite cozy....Oh and did I mention that my kitty is curled up between my legs? I know there's about ten ways i could have worded that to come off sounding like a dirty joke....I half considered naming the post as such, but thought it might give people the wrong impression. Did I mention that she's purring?

Okay, okay that was just wrong....I'm stopping now!!

Goodnight!!

~hl~

Sisters

It's 2:00 a.m. I'm in Dayton, Ohio and on a couch with my sister and her gentleman friend watching "Dances with Wolves" on AMC. Not your typical evening....or movie for that matter.

I traveled down here this morning to take my sister to school after her car was stolen Thursday night. My sister has 1994 Oldsmobile and apparently it's one of the easiest cars in the world to steal. While she was fast asleep someone stole the only thing she owned that had a sizeable value. When my mom called me to tell me the news, I sat for a long time trying to imagine what it must have been like for Brooke to look out her window and see her car no longer sitting next to the curb, and only a dry spot on the pavement where it had recently sat. No way to work or to school, basically stranded. So of course, as soon as I could I made my way to Dayton to be with her. Because that's what sisters do....well, that's what we do anyways.

I've had a good time with her today, even though I've had a terrible headache all throughout the day. You know...it's days like these, that I thank God for sisters, for they really are a part of you.

Update: New Evidence Indicates a Backbone May Actually Exist.

Oh, I almost forgot guess what I did!?!!

Tonight I got a call from a guy. A guy I used to have a relationship with. He hurt me a long time ago. Not only that, but he lied to me about something so serious that I never forgot it. I haven't spoken to him in forever and frankly, I don't even know what possessed him to contact me after all of this time...but nonetheless, he did.

He started out acting like we were just old pals just shooting the breeze about the weather and whatnot, and I sat there and said nothing....he continued on and asked me the inevitable question: "Do you think that you could ever have a relationship with me again?" which he followed with things like "I miss you" and "I still care about you", "its so nice just to hear your voice"....I was stone silent....I said nothing to ease his anxiety in saying what he had on his mind. For it wasn't my job to make him feel good and at ease in trying to win my affection.

I explained to him that I couldn't. I couldn't be a part of his life, not now, not after everything that has happened. I told him that I forgave him, but I'd never forget, nor could I ever trust someone who so blatently betrayed that same trust in the past.

Then he asked me the one I fall for every single f*cking time....

"can we still be friends?"

I told him that we could not. There was no friendship left to be had. I'm sorry, but goodbye.

I said "NO" and "GOODBYE"...two things I never say, and even more shockingly, I said them to someone who once told me that they loved me without guilt and without reservation.

How do you like that for progress!?!?! 2007 is going to be a year of many surprises I have a feeling.

Games worth playing:

Tonight I spent the evening with one of my dear old friends and her husband. Her husband happens to be my cousin. They've been together since I was in high school, and its because of me that they got together in the first place.

I brought my deluxe edition of scrabble down and we had a pretty good time. Of course Jason won, seeing as he's super competitive.....then again, he's an O****g so this is no surprise. It was like the olden days when we used to sit around and play Uno together....all being friendly yet sarcastic, and just enjoying time together that involved interaction and competition. Today it's all about the gadgets....television, computers, cell phones...etc. I laughed whole heartedly when we all broke out our cell phone calculators to add up our final scrabble scores.....but the point is, I don't think the two of them sat down at a table together and laughed and talked and in a round about way just enjoyed being in the same room together in a long, long time. I saw it in them that it was a relief from the usual tension and bickering. Instead of fighting about kids and money, they were fighting over "triple word scores" and who had all the "good tiles".

At one point, Jason was actually helping Tonia with her next word, and I saw him place his hand on hers.....it was a tender moment....one I surely didn't expect to see. I smiled to myself at being a witness to it.....regardless of what they might say...there's love there....maybe burried deep down under years of stress, baggage and bitterness....but I saw it, it was there. However;

By the end of the evening, each one was making their claim as to why the other one treats them like shit. They went back and forth, blow for blow as if they were in a cage match and I their referee. Granted it was all done with a smile and some laughs, but I could see they are both frustrated with each other. I've seen it a lot in my friends' relationships as of lately. I don't know if it's just because I'm no longer all caught up in my own marital unhappiness and couldn't see it before or what.....but now I see it so clearly.

I told my friends tonight that it's about the little things....it's about the pleases and thank yous, it's about making the other one feel appreciated and loved...sure you can fight like hell if you want to, but make up afterwards. I told my friend to not call my cousin names like bastard and fucker....I told him to tell her that he appreciates her and all that she does for their marriage and their son. I said just to try it for one week, and then if they don't think that things are even the slightest bit better, just to go ahead and kill each other. So at 11:30 next saturday, I'm really, really hoping they know that I was joking about the killing each other part....for I was only speaking figuratively.

I put on my hat and my coat, I loaded up my scrabble board and tiles.....and as I headed out the door, I stopped and said "Um, you know you are taking marital advice from someone who's in the middle of a divorce right?!?" They laughed together and said "Goodnight Heather!"

I got in my car and as I pulled out of their driveway.....the song "I hate everything about you" came on the radio and I just laughed at the irony. I drove the extra block or two to listen to it from start to finish.

I like scrabble, sure it is made up of only words on a board, but it's the conversations they spark that make the game.

Has Anyone Seen my Backbone Anywhere?

For those of you who know me....you know the family I come from....the O****g family. They are known for beating people up, for drinking too much, driving too fast, living hard, dying young and winding up in jail occasionally. Okay, well not all of them are that way, but the ones that are, gave us quite a reputation around town. I come from a long line of redheads, known for tempers that flare and a take no shit and take no prisoners attitude.

When I was in High School I dated this guy named Nate. He was young, cute, cocky and to put it nicely, he was a real f*cking prick! He was all like in love with me one minute and the next he was leaving me on the side of the road walking the four miles it took to get home. Needless to say my cousin Jason caught wind of this and one day when Nate was swimming out at Budweiser Pond, my cousin Jason and his friend Toby threatened Nate's life and well, we'll just say Nate was reeeeally nice to me from then on. Granted I never would date him again after all the bullshit he put me through....but damnit, it was times like then when being an O****g had it's benefits. People would say, "what's your name?"....and there was an unmistakable reaction when you told them.

Lately it's been brought to my attention that I'm a wimp. I let people walk on me. And when I say people, I mean mostly the men in my life. Today I did something kind of shitty. Last night when I was bawling my head off after a blow out with Keith again....I called my friend J....I've known him for like seven or eight years, we used to kind of have a thing a long, long time ago, but since we've become friends and even though we've fought like cats and dogs and have even went for quite some time when the very sight of him make me sick to my stomach....things have evened out. We've remained half-assed friends....and when I say friends, apparently I mean, I'm his friend indefinately, would do anything for the guy...and he, he's a fair-weather friend, he's my friend when he needs something from me. So last night I text messaged him to see if he could talk, of course it went unanswered and I was like pissed.....of all the nights I needed a friend and after all the times I was there for him, helped him when he needed something, I was like what the f*ck am I friends with him for? What does he contribute to my life? So today, I booted him off my myspace top friends list. Woooo, don't f*ck with me right?!! I bet all my myspace men are just shaking in their boots....NOT! I'm angry with him, and he doesn't know it...and if he did, he probably wouldn't even care.

See I'm so stupid....I meet a guy, we have a fling, a relationship or whatever....sometimes I get pissed when it ends, sometimes I cry and get depressed, but it seems that no matter what shitty thing they do to me, I always find myself saying.."well I hope that we can still be friends"...when in reality, they were NEVER my friend to begin with. Why oh why do I do this?

Five years ago, after my father called me a whore and every other name in the book, I told him that he had a choice to be a part of my life and knock off the crazy drama that he brought to the table, or to walk out of my life and never look back. He walked away. I never regretted the decision to tell him enough was enough. After all the threats, the physical violence, the verbal abuse that I had sustained from him my whole life...I let him go....said goodbye. He was my freaking flesh and blood! So why, why do I keep around people who only use me, who only want me around when it benefits them, who are so self involved that they never open their eyes to the kindness that I've always extended to them?

And why am I such a coward that I can never tell them when they are being assholes? No, not me, I just smile, sigh and give them my eternal promise of friendship. Who does this? People suck sometimes....and in that I'm included.

I really need to learn that nobody will ever think that they "missed the boat" with me after a relationship ends if I'm always standing next to them holding a life preserver just in case.

Release Me:

Last night I went to go visit Rachel & the baby.....it was nice to hang out with my friend again...and not be doing it in a hospital bed. We talked a bit about her near-death experience and she informed me that whenever she thinks her life sucks....she reads my blog and realizes that she doesn't have it "so bad"....Which says to me, that somone who nearly died last week thinks that their life is going pretty good compared to mine!

Well, how do you like that?!? Thanks Rach!! *smiles* It's what I'm hear for....to write of my daily misery so others can reflect on how much worse their own lives COULD be. Yep...I was born to suffer.

Remember when I said that I hadn't talked to Keith for a couple weeks now....well, last night broke that streak. We spoke....he sounded angry with me, he tried to cover it with non-emotional behavior, but anger was strewn through every word and phrase as he spoke. I asked him why he was acting like I just left him all over again...his response "I'm not, I'm not mad at all!" Why do people who are seething with anger always try to say that they are "just fine"?

By the end of the night, he'd yelled at me.....told me that he wasn't seeing someone new, yelled some more, told me he disappeared because that's what people getting divorced do and before it was over, he hung up on me. I was being super nice to him, and that only seemed to piss him off more...but I refused to yell back, I couldn't bring myself to even get angry at him.

I told him if he was seeing someone (which I've already heard that he was)...that it was okay, that he didn't need to hide it from me, and that I wasn't mad at him or anything.....of course he said he wasn't repeatedly...but then after he hung up on me rather unexpectedly, he sent me a text message confirming my suspicisions....that he's "talking" to someone...not seeing anyone, just talking. Honestly, I don't hate him for seeking out someone..I don't. It still hurts nonetheless. So this week....I found out I'm getting divorced on Valentines day AND found out for sure that Keith has found someone new.

I cried myself to sleep, not even knowing what I was crying for....I mean, I'm the one that left, I'm the one that said goodbye....Brooke says that I'm mourning the loss of my life. Moving on means really saying goodbye to the past and all the promise I thought it held for me and my life. Keith is moving on.....and I guess I should too.

It sucks being the one who did the leaving....because when you are the "leaver"....and you are sad about the failed relationship...everyone tells you "well, you left, this is what you wanted..." but this isn't what I wanted, I didn't want to get divorced....I just didn't want to be married to someone who made it clear that our relationship was and always would be secondary to everything else that made him happy. I wanted to be married to someone who cared about me...and wanted to be with me....really be "WITH" me....isn't that the basic principal behind vowing to spend the rest of your life with someone? A friend, companion, partner, lover....all rolled into one? You just can't be one and not any of the others....it just doesn't work that way.

I woke up this morning, eyes red and irritated...I got in the shower and said....TODAY is the first day of the rest of my life. I thought I'd say that to myself come February 14th, I said it without even thinking....it just came out of me.....so I guess....why wait? TODAY is as good of day as any. I don't know why, but I felt a strange feeling of release. I didn't know if it was something to be happy about or not, but I felt it.....it was if today in the shower, the hot water washed away the burden of leaving Keith that I had been carrying....it swirled around the drain, and down it went. I was left naked, but clean....anew.

Reminds me of that Wilson-Phillips song from the 80's "Release me"......maybe I'll make that my theme song. A girl needs a good theme song ya know.

~hl~

I knew it was coming.....

I knew that eventually I'd get the call...the call from Common Pleas Court to put my dissolution hearing on my boss's schedule. I just didn't know it'd be today.

To make matters worse....guess when they set it?!? Yep, that's right, Ole' Heather here is getting her marriage dissolved on Valentines Day.

While the whole world is out showing their significant others how much they love them....I'll in a courtroom, standing on the opposite side of a room from the person I shared a bed, a home, a life with for six years.

I'm a big believer in signs....what the hell kind of sign is it to get divorced on the national holiday of love?

~hl~

I'm Nervous:

You know what I hate.....I hate that I am better at being brave on paper. I hate that my thoughts require editing in order to come across the way that I want them to. And even worse.....anticipation of the end result after saying what you want....it's just the worst kind of anticipation.

Sending someone an e-mail, and then waiting.....and waiting for a response...all the while knowing that there's that chance that one may never come....

Isn't it funny how you can sit in a room with someone, and not be able to say what's on your mind....to not be able to express what's there just waiting beneath the surface.....but as soon as you are alone and you have a little time to reflect...it all comes to the surface....AFTER you've lost the platform to speak?

Here's the thing....I never know when its the right time to say certain things.....I don't know the rules to this "game" that people play.....I've always kind of played things by ear....if I liked someone, I'd tell them when I felt the need to....if I wanted to kiss someone....I wouldn't let dating rules get in the way of that....I just kind of wing it and hope for the best....but now, now that I'm older....I feel the pressures to play the game, to act like I don't care when i do, to be distant when I'm not and to not "give the milk away for free" and all of that junk.

And now at this very moment..my words..my thoughts...they are just hanging out there....and it's too late...I can't retract them now....and I'm left wondering.....what's worse, to say what is on your mind and damn the consequences....because honesty is the best policy.....or to keep things to myself...never allowing another person to know what's going on inside of me?

I'm taking a vote....who says that I should say what I mean, and mean what I say and not worry about the consequences?

OR

Who's for playing it safe, and playing it cool...all while playing "the game"?

Greetings from the bathroom floor:

After getting home from the hospital last night…I reheated my left over sloppy-joe sandwich and sat down to relax a bit. I ate my food, which for some reason….well maybe it was because it was left over…but it tasted like crap. My mom called and while trying to fill her in on Rachel’s medical status…It hit me that I was really….really tired.

All week this week I haven’t been sleeping very well, each day the alarm clock goes off and I open my eyes only to feel that it was just a few minutes ago that I closed them. So in an effort to get a good night’s rest I made the decision to go to bed early….something I never do. So I was surprised when I woke up this morning only to realize that my alarm clock hadn’t gone off yet. Groggy and disoriented I sat there thinking “why am I awake at 4:30 a.m.?” “What’s happened that I’m awake?”

Then it hit me…..I’m going to throw up!!! I stand up quickly and head for the bathroom. I get there and loose the urge to regurgitate my stomach contents. I half smile and think…. “Whew….false alarm…I must just have to pee or something.” Never forgetting throughout this whole ordeal that I’m so very incredibly tired.

I go back to bed, take off the sweatshirt and pants I was wearing and crawl back into bed, pulling just the sheet back up over me. A minute or two passes when my internal vomit alarm goes off once again. This time I get out of bed and with a new sense of urgency head back to the bathroom, I fall to my knees on my new violet bathroom rug and I wait. I wait for the vile stomach purging to begin. The sooner I get it over with, the sooner I can go back to bed. However the thought of bringing back up last night’s sloppy-joe….it’s a little unsettling to me.

I go get my pillow and a blanket, I make myself a little makeshift bed on the floor and prepare for the wait-and-see procedure that is my typical routine in these situations.

My mouth is so dry, I can barely swallow….I tried to spit and could barely manage that…..and then it came….every stomach muscle contracted, gag reflex in full force and out it all came.

After the nausea subsided and I was pretty sure there wasn’t anything left inside of me, I collapsed on the floor, pulled my little blanket over my bare shoulders and fell fast asleep. I slept so hard that when I awoke around 7:00 a.m., my shoulder and hip bone were vastly aware of how hard my bathroom floor really is.

But the good news is, I felt good, I felt rested and ready to start my day. Who’d have thought that a vomiting episode at four a.m. would give me the release I needed to really get some deep dreamless sleep?

I almost lost her.....

this morning I got a call that left me in a contant state of panic for the remainder of the day.

at 8:40 am on this seemingly normal Thursday morning.....my cell phone starts going off in my purse under my desk. Everyone I know....knows that I'd be at work and couldn't answer my phone so, I pulled it out and saw that it was my mother trying to reach me. I was worried, so I called her from the work phone and she delivered the news that literally knocked the wind out of me.

Earlier that morning....my cousin and blood sister since we were like ten years old......almost died. Yesterday she gave birth....created life...and today...she almost lost her own.

Puddles of blood were left on the floor, multiple clots were passed....her normal italian olive skin turned pastey white-ish grey and she was left completely helpless in saving herself.

Tonight she looked better as they hung the forth unit of blood next to her bed. I crawled into bed with her and I couldn't help but to remember all of those times we shared a bed, or a tent....or sleeping bag while growing up....hearing her little giggle and having her call me "heather heater" a nickname that still follows me. I watched the blood slowly make it's way down the tubing and into her slightly swollen arm. And that is why I donate blood....so that someone's Rachel can have it on occasions such as this. So if you know anyone looking for some O+ just let me know, I'm your girl.

In my eyes.....Rachel is quite possibly the closest thing to perfect. There's no one like her in the entire world. Her dad and I were talking at the hospital tonight......and we were talking about how Rachel almost died when she was a baby....her heart stopped beating twice after contracting a high fever. She was transported by ambulance to the hospital the first time she nearly left this earth....and now today...she tried to go again. I told Randy it's because she's so pure of heart....people like me...when we come to that point where it's time to "go into the light"...we fight like hell to keep from going....we've got amends to make, we've got wrongs to right....we are never ready to go. But not our Rachel, she's one of the few people I know that could cross over today, tomorrow...or anytime....and God would welcome her in whole-heartedly.

I cannot believe today was almost the day Rachel died. I walked away from the hospital...the wind was whipping through my hair and the rain pelted my forehead and cheek. Normally I'd have picked up the pace....tried to hide behind my collar....but none of that mattered....I didn't care if the rain soaked me through and the wind blew and blew.....all I cared about was that she was alive and still in my life.

Wanna See something funny?

Bet you didn't know that I was a Toys-R-Us Kid until my Freshman Year in High School did you?

My friend Jim found this picture in his attic...how scary it is to think of all the pictures out there floating around of you that you have long since forgotten ever existed.

Things to remember when putting yourself out there.....

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you trulyhappy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad atyourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is atwo-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Things Left Unsaid....sort of.....

I am overly expressive....as many of you know about me....mix that with a healthy dose of insanity, and you'll find that it can lead to massive amounts of irrational expression of feeling and thoughts to be thrown in possibly your general direction.

I talk too much, I think about stuff that I shouldn't concern myself with......and even though I know this about myself, I find that stopping it is almost as impossible as finding that needle in a haystack. I do manage to control it from time to time, but only when I can distract myself away from whatever "it" is that has me pre-occupied.

I bet you didn't know this about me.....I'll let you in on a little secret.....in an attempt to keep my compulsive expression of self in check.....I write e-mails to people that I never send. Yeah, you heard me....I have an entire "draft" folder in my email account that is filled with messages and emotional ramblings intended for a particular recipient, but never sent. There's a ton of information contained in that folder, and one by one, I let them sit and eventually delete them as if there were actually sent. Don't judge me.....It's the only way I know to get things out, and yet keep them to myself at the same time.

See here's the thing, I haven't a clue how to "play it cool".....to keep my internal crap internal....I'm like a fucking volcano always on the verge of spewing something out that might just be best kept inside. It's occured to me that maaaaybe I should be more contained. Less expressive....you know, just learn to shut the f*ck up once in a while.

The only thing is....try as I may....I'm the biggest failure. Because I am so interested in what other people think and feel and wonder about.....for some reason, here I am thinking that others actually care what I think and feel and wonder about....and frankly...for the most part....nobody cares! And that my friends is why I should have named this blog random redheaded ramblings that don't amount to shit in the grand scheme of things. Yeah, it needs some work....it's a little lengthy....but I'm rambling here...give me a break.

This is quite the negative post I'm spewing out tonight....Sorry guys/girls.....I'm in a mood. I'll be more optimistic tomorrow I promise.

Broken Computers / Broken Hearts

So far 2007 has been well....I'll just say it.....FRUSTRATING.

I've been wrestling with computer gliches that have kept me out of my email and unable to post to my blog......and I've spent the last I don't know how long working my ass off backing up what I couldn't stand to lose, reading computer manuals...talking for hours to my technological friends about ISP's and DNS errors....all lingo I just assume never hear again to tell you the truth.

On top of that....my soon to be ex-husband whom normally calls me and is nice to me has completely disappeared. Tell me if you think this is wierd...okay.....a couple days before Christmas, I get a call from him on the phone at work. He tells me he's at my favorite restarurant and asks me if I want him to bring me back my favorite meal from there. I say "no"..because frankly burritos from Chipotle aren't good re-heated. I thanked him for the very kind gesture. Later that same day, while on my way home from work, he calls again, this time asking me what my plans were for Christmas morning. I told him I didn't have any plans and then he informs me that he's gotten me a gift and was going to bring it over to my house. I tell him he didn't have to do that....he says that he "WANTED TO" and that he'd see my Christmas morning.

It's January 2nd. He never came on Christmas....and I haven't heard from him since. I'm left wondering....what happened since we last spoke? Where has he disappeared to and why? I'm not curious because I'm jealous or worried that he might be with another woman....that doesn't upset me, but what does upset me, is when people aren't honest with you.....when people say one thing and do another. It's not about him not giving me the supposed gift he bought, it's that he promised that we'd be friends, and now, I'm left thinking that there's little hope of that happening. I don't want the next time I see him or talk to him to be the day we are standing in from of Judge B-------- at the Common Pleas Court...having our six-year marriage dissolved. But what can I do, I cannot mend what is broken between us...I couldn't do before I left, and I cannot do it now. He's no longer mine to worry about....

I spent hours upon hours this week repairing my broken computer.....and I spent five out of six years trying to reboot a broken relationship....but marriages don't come with manuals, they don't have tech support or service contracts. You are on your own.....and once a virus gets in, sometimes it damages you beyond repair.

New Years Resolution

#1:

Stop beating yourself up over things that you cannot change....and start changing the things you can.

#2:

Stop freaking crying all the time!