A day in the Life of a 32 year old Twilight Fan: {and other crap}

So Eclipse comes out tonight....are ya'll so excited you can barely contain your bladders?  Tonight Ash and I have it all planned out, our tickets are purchased.....our dinner plans in tact....we are going to be Twilighting until dawn....er, well, ok, so not dawn.....dawn we won't be breaking just yet...but we will be up late!  and we WILL be waking tomorrow, with Eclipse under our Twilight belts.  Eyes likely still swollen from lack of beauty rest.

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I realize that I'm 32, and I don't really consider myself "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob" in the way that other people do.....I love ALL the characters....I'm a Team Twilight.  Yup, that's what I am.

Last week, I was sitting at MG's house, on his yard swing...reading Eclipse....and Boy Wonder (MG's Son) and his two twin neighbor/cousins.....come out and are surrounding my swing....showing their interest in the fairer sex...asking me things like "whatcha doin?"  "Are you reading one of those Twilight books?"...and the one little 11 year old says...."All the girls in 6th grade are all in loooooooooooooooove with those stupid books!!"

Which had me blushing to be reminded that I have the same swoony principals as an entire sixth grade girl population, but *shrugs*....who says you can't be forever young at heart?  Who says that a book can't span across the generational gap?  It's a phenomenon for a reason....it's not hype.....it's real, the story may be fictional, but the enjoyment of it is the real deal.  Why question what makes so many, so happy?

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The other day, I was faced with QUITE the dilemma...oh yes...listen to this, so there I was....with MG at his house....I hadn't seen him for like two or three days...which well, at this stage in our relationship, feels like a million years in girl-years....I could NOT wait to see him after our brief absence....and my "alarm notification" on my phone goes off....I flip it open to see what i had scheduled that apparently i had completely forgotten about and there it was...my reminder of the Jimmy Kimmel Live Special with all the Twilight Cast.....SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!!  So I looked to my right.....and looked at my gorgeous ruggedly handsome boyfriend....I looked to my right....my cell phone Twilight Notification...and I was torn....what to do, what to do?  Naturally, I made the only choice I could....I chose MG, because, well, no matter what team the rest of the world joins....I'm "Team MG"....above all others, he's MY leading man....and no Jacob, Edward, or even Carlisle or Jasper can compare.....I don't care how good they look with their shirts off!  Yeah, i said it!  My bf is better than the entire CAST of Twilight. *laughs*

But in happy news, I can watch the show I missed on ABC.com!  A girl's GOT TO LOVE tv online!  Just another reason I <3 the internet......it saves me, when crisis strikes!

So feel free to go to ABC.com and watch the full episode.....I will be likely Wednesday while I'm hopefully getting my hair dyed....HeatherLynnie over here needs some serious TLC in the hair department!

And if you need MORE Twilight Fix, go check out the Oprah interviews of Taylor, Kristin & Robert on YouTube....also very entertaining!

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And in non-related Twilight news.....just a quick wrap-er-up story to this fairly odd and random post.....Saturday, MG and I were at the grocery store in our small little town.....I in desperate need for some stomach medicine...as I found myself suffering from tummy trouble.....and him, in need of a "side dish" for the cookout we were going to.  I darted off one way, he went off in another.....I located my Mylanta....and then ran into a friend I hadn't seen in awhile....and we got to gabbing.....and gabbing....and gabbing.....so long in fact MG made it all the way around the store and back to ME!  He walked by, smiled at his gabby girlfriend and I tossed my Mylanta into his cart.  My friend gave me a weird look and I was like....Oh, he's not some stranger that i just tossed my crap into his cart, "he's with me!"....I laughed as soon as I said it, all i could think of was that line in Dirty Dancing..."she's with me!" "I carried a watermelon!".....

anyway....I giggled to myself...and then got completely lost in the conversation as I watched MG saunter away with the cart......I swear the very sight of the guy is such a distraction I have a hard time concentrating on anything else......I wonder if he even knows he had this effect on me....he probably thinks i just suffer from an extreme case of ADD or something!  Anyway, so I finish up with my friend, and begin to sprint off....when she says..."Oh and Heather, I just have to tell you...."you look great!  you really do!" and I was like...."um, wow, thanks!...and in nothing above a whisper...and using my fingers to point to my smile...I whispered...."it's because i'm SOOOO happy!"....she nodded and disappeared around an aisle.

Still smiling...and now reunited with MG...we strolled once more through the store, this time out of the corner of my eye....I see HIM.....my ex-summer-fling from last summer!  He's getting some meat....and he's looking RIGHT AT ME...so I smile and say "hello {insert name here}".....he says hello back....and then i see him look at the very tall, tattooed, flip flop wearing boyfriend of mine....and I couldn't help but smile.....there was no nerves, no regrets, no fear.....nah, I was like....yeah.....go ahead and look.....i prefer him to you.....and as arrogant as you may be, you've got nothing on this guy.....and he has EVERYTHING on you.

Now before you go saying, Heather, heather, that's a bit arrogant of YOU to say, you'd have to know that this guy from last summer....had a GIRLFRIEND the entire time we flung.....and told me he didn't....and he's the same guy who EVERY time he's "in town" and drunk, calls me at two-three-four in the morning trying to get me to talk about "the good old days"....or worse...tries to get me to let him come over!  SOOOOO not happening.....and I kept telling him that....but I think there was a part of him so conceited that he actually thought that I didn't mean it....that i was secretly pining away for him WAITING for his drunken phone calls....

Anyway, so you can see why it was an absolute relief, to have him see me while he was #1 SOBER...#2 WITH MG...and last, but certainly no least...#3 he saw me looking HAPPY.  There is no better conclusion to a tainted old romance than for the person who did the wronging.....to see the wronged....BETTER off.  As I so now AM!

Goodbye yesterday.....and Good Riddance!

xoxo

~hl~

Lucky? Is this how that feels?

Lucky?  Who me?  Have you met me?

A girl who gets a freak staph infection in her eye and almost dies?

Divorced?

House blew up from a freak natural gas explosion?

Disowned?

I've not always been that people would associate with being traditionally lucky....

However, lately, I wake up every day and think to myself....."how lucky am I?"

Lucky to wake up smiling....

Lucky to have such blessings in my life

Lucky

Which brings me to this quote:

If one is lucky, a solitary fantasy can totally transform one million realities.

I do.

Happy Hump Day you lucky devils!

~hl~

How Many?!??!?!?!?!??!?!

 Have you ever been sitting on a set of bleachers at a little league baseball game when you very handsome, very sexy boyfriend and yourself are having a conversation about a particular "unsavory woman" who you both know.....only to have him blurt out...."I had sex with her"....

You're so in shock by this statement, you swear the umpire just turned around to call STRIKE as in, can we STRIKE that comment from the relationship record your honor?!

I couldn't even turn to look at him, my nose crinkled....my gag reflex went on high alert....of all the girls in all the world, why HER?!?!?!  And you feel horrible for judging....I mean, who hasn't slept with an unsavory character a time or two in their lifetime.....but he caught me so off guard.....there on the 4th row of those bleachers....I just, well, I was stunned.

I know a lot of people want to know....and often times get into a relationship and one of the first things they want to know is "who have you all slept with" OR "how many people have you been with".....and frankly, I don't want to know.  I don't want to be at McDonalds and run into some girl my lover's known intimately....and then not be able to eat my fillet O'fish because of it.

 {I mean, look at this...it's heaven with tartar sauce...I don't want ghosts of ex-sex to ruin this for me}

Call me crazy, but I'm perfectly happy NOT knowing this intimate detail about MG.  See I like to live blissfully in the idea that after he met me, it was like no other girls ever existed BEFORE me.  yeah, I realize that means i pretty much live in a fantasy world....but it's lovely there this time of year...are any of you there with me?  Happily swimming in the surf and sun of blissful ignorance?

Ignorance really is bliss in my book when it comes to this

Cuz here's why, I could ask him.....and there'd be one less "unknown variable" between us, I could know each and every conquest.....dirty deed he's ever done....but is that knowledge really crucial to the validity of one's relationship?  Will it really matter in the grand scheme of things?  Will I like him less if he's been with 100 girls or 2?  No matter what, I can't change his past anymore than he can change mine.  So what's it matter?

He's never asked me, and I'm leaning towards the idea that while we've never discussed this, he's likely not going to ask me.  I KNOW i won't ask him to give me the play by play.....but I wonder, to anyone out there reading this....does it matter to YOU?  How important is this information to  a relationship?  How heavily do you rely on the answer?

And this is one of my favorite things.....

Growing up on a farm and with boy cousins, one thing a girl WILL end up doing in her life, is growing a fond appreciation of an Old Pick Up truck.  Big old tires, loud roaring engine....holes in the floorboards...faded paint, and rusty wheel wells.....

I learned to drive on a old Ford Custom, 1970's model when my legs were barely long enough to push the clutch in all the way!  The smell of the gasoline wafting into the cab from the open sliding back window....the slipping clutch, the gaping holes you left in barn doors from your multiple crazy attempts at getting "just a little closer" when backing er' up....I cut my teeth so to speak on old trucks.

Naturally, all these old memories easily came back to me this week as I found myself sitting on the old worn out bench seat of MG's "New to him", old dodge he recently acquired.  I couldn't help but to smile when he told me to slide on over closer to him...stating:  "that's what bench seats are FOR!"...

which leads me to THIS conclusion:

Riding in trucks with cute boys isn't just for teenage girls......it's still pretty fun even when you're a grown up....and the cute boy is in his 30's...and the other one's his kid! lol

the Dangers of New Relationships:

One thing I've learned about my new relationship is what NOT to do....well, er, I should say, that being in a new relationship is a constant learning process.  You think you know someone when you decide to date them, but it's just not so, there are so many pitfalls and anvils about to fall on your head that you have no idea exist until your find yourself in a minefield trying to get through it alive!  Geeesh, and let me tell you, I'm a clumsy as they come when it comes to minefields!

This past weekend was rough....the first step into that area when you find yourself falling off of cloud nine into this abyss of relationship awkwardness.  For the first time my boyfriend got mad at me.  Yeah, MAD at me...upset, peeved, miffed...irked!  I didn't even see it coming either.....I was like a deer in the headlights!

I was like...OMG!!!!!!!  What did I do?!?!?!?!

Long story short, well, lol, actually I'm skipping the whole story, but lets just say there was a misunderstanding about my expected arrival at his house Friday night.....and there were crossed wires....unanswered text messages....so when I couldn't get ahold of him, I didn't go.....so when he awoke Saturday morning and realized I had never showed up.....he texted me expressing his displeasure in my non-appearance!

I was completely caught off guard and left feeling FREAKED out...I mean, he's never BEEN mad at me....TO me before...so I was scrambling to make amends.....scared the crap outta me.  But I did make amends, and in no time at all, I was seated beside him in his old pick-up truck....and all was right with our world again.  Whew....!!  close one I thought!  My heart still a little erratic....

But then, then came the OTHER stumbling block....which well, i didn't just stumble over, I tripped, fell down a flight of seven story stairs...rolled into the street and got ran over by a bus.  A slight exaggeration perhaps....but for the sake of this post, just accept it as feasible.

The whole day we were together....we attended a wedding....his family....went well.  Then it was off to watch the UFC fights at his friend's house....awesome time.  Then it was home to crash....a full day of running here there and everywhere had us both looking forward to sleep.  But before we could end the night on a good note, things took a turn for the worse.....

*sighs*

I don't even like to recount this...but I will...in the name of living and learning....

So he's laying there in his boxers...I'm running my fingertips across his stomach/chest..and he says "you're kinda a touchy feely person aren't ya?"  and I freeze up and say, "uh, yeah, i guess so, is that a bad thing?"  he says "well it's kinda annoying sometimes, but yeah, i don't know, I guess it's alright" (or something like that)...I immediately retract my caressing hand off of him.....while feeling the siring gaping wound in my chest that made it impossible to speak...or breathe....and then I did the only thing I could MAKE my body do, and that was turn over on my side, with my back to him and look dazed....and nauseous.  It stung my friends....to have your new boyfriend whom you adore....adore so much even the things that he does to torment you....seem STILL like cute quirks instead of annoying personality traits, however, THIS statement, wow, it left me wounded.  I was embarrassed.....and hurt, and confused as to what I had done, or misread...I was playing back the day.....it's not like me to be "annoying"....how did I get annoying and not know it?

He immediately said, "wow, that really didn't come out right did it?" and he rolled over and kissed my shoulder and rested his head on me asking me if I was mad at him....then he said "I don't know, I just, well, SOMETIMES I like to be touched.....sometimes I don't...well, would you rather I not tell you...wouldn't you rather I tell you the truth about this stuff?"....of course, I'm unresponsive because while he's talking, I'm still torturing myself playing back in my head every caress, hand holding attempt I ever made towards him....feeling very much like barfing...

Now, I wasn't MAD at him for saying what he did, because I wholeheartedly believe he didn't exactly mean it the way it came out.....but come four a.m. two hours after he'd drifted off to sleep, I was no closer to falling asleep as I had been two hours earlier.  So i got up, got dressed, and told him I was going home, that I couldn't sleep.  At first he seemed concerned, but then said goodbye, gave me a hug and he rolled over and went back to sleep.  I slinked away from his house...and couldn't do so fast enough.

Well, long story short, as it turned out, the next day i find out he's really pissed that I left, and was pissed that I was making a big deal out of what he said.....and we basically didn't talk the entire day....well, I tried, and he basically told me he was busy and avoided me.

I apologized profusely for running away in the middle of the night the way I did, it wasn't my brightest relationship moment by any means, but I can't help it, when I'm hurt....I either get some sort of instant comfort....or I run the fuck away.  I get distance, space....and time to do what I need to do, be it cry and fall apart, or drive fast and start smoking again...whatever the situation calls for....

Well that was Sunday.....Monday night, I did see him, but things were kinda weird.  I wasn't sure if he thought so too, but I felt it, the shift in the way we had been, to the way were now were.....but I smiled and tried to just act natural....but I was struggling with that....it was my natural inclination to reach out and touch him...the way I had always used to, but now, not i felt like I had better keep my hands to myself...I better sit over here....instead of there...I was analyzing my every move, my every mannerism....I was on edge.

By Tuesday, I could see him really noticing this new nervousness and reservation in me...he tried to subtly get me to stop, but I was too screwed up on this one to be swayed by subtle suggestion....by Wednesday, after I gave him his birthday present....to which he liked btw....he lead me off to bed that night and upon crawling into bed, he said "c'mere grandma"...(his nickname for me....don't ask!)....he says "i want to talk to you for a minute"  and he pulled me close to him, my head in his nook.....a place I'm normally in heaven..but now, I was nervous in the nook....a look of a puppy about to be scolded for peeing on the floor....I don't know why I get that look, but I knew i had it....

He tells me that I had really misunderstood what he was trying to say the other night....he said, "I feel like the last few days have been weird between us...."and then he went on to really explain what it was that he DID mean...and while I didn't say much, this little conversation spoke volumes to me about HIM.  #1-he's far more in tune with me than i give him credit for.  #2-he's an awesome guy....for being mature and having "the talk" with me....something I apparently was too chicken to attempt to do....and #3-he cares enough about me to not want me walking on eggshells around him.....nervous and hurt from something he said.

He could of just forgotten about it.....and then later been resentful for me allowing myself to be affected by what he said....but instead of pushing me away, he pulled me in close and just talked to me.  Soft words, blowing from his lips....through the hair on top of my head, and making their way IN.  I don't let everyone IN.....but if anyone's got an "IN" with me, it's so him....

That night, he said that he was sorry if he'd hurt me or made me mad...and that it wasn't his intention.  I had already decided that I was just going to swallow the hurt on this one, but with a simple sentence from his mouth, I didn't have to, he took all that hurt away....as if it never existed.

and just when I thought it wasn't possible to like him MORE....

I found that I did.

~hl~

And the Landscape Changes.....yet again....

I'm sure not all of you have driven down I-75 between Cincinnati and Dayton, Ohio and seen the sixty-two foot tall statute of Jesus there, arms raised to heaven.....

but those of you who have, well, you'll know this scene....and remember the first time you saw it...I know I do.

I'm sure many of you have already heard, but last night's thunderstorms that slowly moved across the state took THIS scene and turned it into THIS:

Contributed photo Tiffani West-May

It's a very ironic thing to think that an act of God, burned Jesus to the ground.

 ~hl~

Cleaning out the Closet:

One of the things I LOVE about being "happy" WITH someone is that you suddenly get this fire under your butt to start to get a handle on some things you've been putting off.  You find yourself determined to toss all your bad habits from your closet of baggage.  You find yourself "cleaning out the closet" that is your relationship history.

Recently I told my "rainbow" (remember him?) that I was "in a relationship" whether he saw my status change or not on my Facebook, no matter....I wanted him to HEAR it from me.  I wanted him to HEAR the happiness and calm that this new development in my life had brought me.  For it's not every day you can tell your semi-famous ex-lover that YOU are happy and that you've moved on to someone who is MORE than you ever could of hoped for.

That's the thing about ex-lovers, ex-boyfriends, they can be SO egotistical in believing that we'll never move on, we'll never love anyone MORE than they think we loved them....

So the rainbow says this to me today via a Facebook message:  

I'm glad things are going well for you.
When things are going well for us we have an easier time keeping our distance....... B>O.

Here's the thing about that....I have NO PROBLEM keeping my distance from him.  I mean, it's a non-issue, I don't even TRY to do it, it's just natural, I don't even think about him anymore in any way other than friendship....and I don't often even think about that.  I've got this whole other thing going on in my life...and I really just don't have time anymore for ex-lovers who think I'll somehow slip up and cheat on my new boyfriend.  And It kinda pisses me off really that he'd think that I'm the kind of girl who could be in a relationship with someone I openly admit to caring a great deal for, and yet somehow still struggle with wanting someone else.  I don't.  There is NO STRUGGLE....the thought NEVER crosses my mind.  I wouldn't risk MG for the world....Not even for the world-famous "Rainbow"  It pisses me off, that he thinks that he and I are ALIKE in that way, we are not.  We are not.

....in the famous words of Carrie Bradshaw:

"We're so over we need a new word for over"

Ever since MG came into the picture, "Rainbow" has been taped in my scrap book....."thanks for the memories"...shelved.  He was like a very fun vacation I once went on, but it wasn't real.  Not really.  I mean, our relationship had progressively been changing for quite some time prior to me even meeting MG again, and even when I had the opportunity to rekindle our connection, in one of the infamous MG absences earlier this year....I am a girl who's heart can not so easily be swayed.....from what it wants.  Once it made up it's mind, I knew my relationship with my "rainbow" would never be the same....and I was ready for the change...prepared for the shift.

I don't know why we hang on to so much shit....I must of deleted like 20 pages of e-mails.  Not that I ever read them, or "needed" them...I just for whatever reason, kept them....until now...

DELETE, DELETE, DELETE

they are all gone.  

Old bf's e-mail addresses...

DELETE DELETE DELETE

they are gone too.

Voicemails - GONE.

And I have to tell you, it might be all the dopamine produced during the clinical "infatuation stage" I'm apparently in....but I feel lighter.  I've one by one, dealt with all my crap from the past.  I've told that old BF who only calls me at 3:00 a.m. not to call me anymore.  So far, he's stopped.  I've un-friended, I've set boundaries, and I'm so happy to have things "in order"....It feels good to know that there isn't anything lurking anymore....you aren't going to be laying in bed with the man of your dreams, when a nightmare calls you at four in the morning drunk trying to get you to take a walk down memory lane...ICK!  Nobody wants to take THAT walk!

I always tried to be "nice" to not be a bitch to my relationships-past....but sometimes, well, a girl's just gotta STOP CARING about the feelings of douches, and start laying it on the line. ...

If eminem can clean out his closet....

I can too.

~hl~  

It doesn't happen every day....

"If happiness were helium, I'd surely float away"

and you can quote me on that ....

~~HeatherLynn~~

Calling All SATC fans:

Hello ladies....and gentlemen if you're here pretending like you aren't reading a post about a girlie tv show....So last night, I went to the movies with Steph and Kami & Nikk, to see the much awaited second movie installment with our favorite gal pals Carrie, Samantha, Miranda & Charlotte.  I read the reviews before I went and they were of course awful, I was worried that this movie would be the fork in the little HBO Series silver screen future....

After watching the movie, I fear for my girls.  Now, as a REAL fan, I could probably watch these girls hoola hoop on the big screen and I'd be happy to see them again, but I'm not going to lie, this movie was NOT anything as good as the first.  It was as Kami put it..."CONTRIVED"...in the worst way in my opinion.  The girls are better than the crap writing/story line they were handed  here.

Of course there were things about the movie I adored....Liza Minnelli singing "all the single ladies" and actually doing the associated dance made me chuckle with delight.  Anthony & Stanford getting married in the gayest gay wedding in recorded history was quite a lot for the eyes to take in.....but it just seemed that where the story lagged, they tried to make up for it with extravagance.  Lavishness.....the clothes, the food, the luxury vacation....frankly, i think it was just a bunch of fluff to placate us while we sat through a so/so storyline.  I don't know, maybe I'm just not a lavish lifestyle kind of girl.....I'm the girl who always thought Carrie's little apartment was "cute"...and "homey"....who liked when you saw the girls in their sweat pants and Hanes T-shirt sweating at the gym....or wearing slightly ratty old clothes to sleep in, but then spiffing up to go out....it seemed "real"....in a magical dreamy kinda way.  There was balance in a way in the series that the MOVIE'S is missing.  Just because the screen got bigger didn't necessarily UP the anty in quite the way that they have upped it.

The first movie felt sincere, there was ups and downs....a solid story....heartwarming moments....this one, well, I'm sorry to say just missed the mark.  I still <3 my girls and if they make 15 more movies, as a fan, I'll probably be right there in the seats watching what happens next.....but lets hope the #'s at the box office only send a message to #1-never open again on a holiday weekend in SUMMER....most people are at cook-outs, NOT in a dark theater....#2-give us a story, or give the green light death...NO FLUFF....substance is not just wanted, it's warranted, we've been loyal, don't patronize us.

On a happy note, I LOVED Miranda in this movie.  For once, Miranda got to be totally uninhibited.  Well as uninhibited as a Type A control freak gets!

You'll love seeing her not being quite the bitch she was in the last movie!  Good for you Miranda!

So, for those of you who saw it, let me know what you think...those of you who didn't.....go see it, it's not un-watch-worthy.....just go into it expecting it not to be your favorite movie of all time and you'll likely enjoy it just fine.

xoxox

~hl~

Weekend Update:

This weekend.....a couple things happened....

#1 - I stopped choking.  I started acting like a girlfriend, and being the kind of girlfriend I wanted to be.

I have to tell you, It felt really good.

#2 - MG's little boy said to me "you're family now...." in the course of a conversation. Somehow, I went from girl off the street, to girl MG desperately tried to NOT let "in"....to "family"? I nearly choked on my own lump in my throat upon hearing him say this....

for a girl who is without her own family....to be adopted by one, *gets teary eyed*....ummmm....it's like the nicest thing to have happen to you. I've adored this little boy and his dad for so long now....I hardly remember a time when I didn't anymore....and to really feel like they like having me around too....well, there are no words that would do it justice in trying to explain what that does to my heart.

#3 - My co-workers from EP met my infamous boyfriend. Sure they've all HEARD about him, but up until now, I think they thought he was my "imaginary boyfriend". Well imaginary no more. it was a typical Friday night, I worked at EP, declined going out with the girls from work as they hit me up about going by the timeclock....I ordered Jack's Pizza, put in "Who framed Roger Rabbit"...and cracked a box of hair dye....while plucking my eyebrows. It was kinda a get fat and look pretty doing it Friday....girls need those sometimes. I was tired, so I called it a night fairly early, say around 11:00 p.m. or so...and was awoken around 12:45 by MG texting me. He tells me he just met {insert list of EP girls' names

here}...OH MY!!! I thought, he's at the bar with my co-workers....ALONE!!?!??!?

He jokes and says "they want me btw"...I say "baby, do i need to come up there and protect you?" He says "maybe, maybe not"....Now, I'm not a jealous type, and I'm not one to overreact, but I was out of my bed in flash, throwing on my hot little jean skirt I bought in Wisconsin and a black nice shirt and flip flops and was out the door before he was even texting me back again. I knew I wouldn't of been able to go to sleep....after being woken up, so why not go meet my co-workers...after all my hair was done and very red i might add...and my eyebrows were perfectly groomed....might as well right?! {laughs at my own rationalization}.....

Anyway....I go, and have a splendid time, MG meets me up at the bar not long after arriving...and he kisses me and very mysteriously walks away....like he's an international man of mystery or something! *smirks at the thought*....

My co-worker A, goes on and on telling me that my pictures of MG on my phone don't do him ANY justice, ABSOLUTELY NONE AT ALL!!! and then she tells me HE'S HOT!!! It's always a mixed blessing when you're friends tell you your boyfriend is hot, on one hand it's a compliment, on the other, you're like...HEY, KEEP YOUR EYES TO YOURSELF!!!! Women, we're funny creatures we are.

I stayed at MG's house....that night, and Saturday night as well. And the most amazing thing happened....during the night, after we went to bed Saturday night...both dead ass tired....snuggled....me happily neslted into his nook (you know the place right there under his chin, off to the side...my nose to his neck, head on his chest/shoulder}....anyway, he got a text, and when he was done replying, I saw that his wallpaper on his phone was a picture of me. He closed it really quick like he didn't want me to see...but I nearly melted....he may not shower me with sweetness, he doesn't get all mushy, or write me love poems or even tell me he loves me....which coincidentally, i don't either...but he made me his wallpaper....call me low maintenance, but that small little gesture was better than grand displays of affection.

There's a part of me that had been so disappointed by things of the past, that sometimes, I really can't believe this is happening, that this is REALLY happening. The guy I so desperately fell for....well, he likes me too. He's happy with me....and I am constantly pinching myself...saying "is this for real?" Only to have MG's little boy say I'm family...and find my picture on his phone....right now, he's sleeping on the new sheets I got him for his birthday....there's a puzzle on his table I've been helping put together....a smurf magnet i gave him on his fridge that holds up his little one's baseball schedule....

It's becoming more and more hard to ignore.....that I'm happy, unbelievably happy....and while I seem to need reassurance sometimes from him...the more I look around when I'm with him....the more I see that he's let me in more than I ever thought I would be already....and we've only just begun.

Can you believe it? I'm starting to.....learning to....loving to.

Goodnight.

xoxox

~hl~

{INSERT UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR CHOKING HERE}

As a kid growing up, I hated the movie Alice in Wonderland, it was too acid trippy for my taste, the movie made me feel anxious, worried....pressed for time, stressed.....I didn't like how it was so ominous...and how she was essentially lost, just wondering around such a foreign world....a world full of darkness and seemingly untrustworthy characters....she was LOST....she was adrift.....

Relationships for me are very much Wonderland.

I LOVE falling down rabbit holes....but when I land smack dab in the middle of Wonderland aka "A Relationship"....I find myself just as lost, confused and wondering as Alice.  Wondering.... "What now?"

That seems to be the problem here lately.  I've wanted MG for months and months....well I'm happy to report, he's actually a part of my life, I see him regularly, he's mine and I'm his.  Talk about an accomplishment I never thought possible just a few short months ago, but now the time is here for "in a relationship" and I feel like I'm choking.

Okay, so maybe that picture's not QUITE the sentiment I'm thinking....but it does scream....HOLY CRAP....WHAT DO I DO"...does it not?  That among other things having to do with asphysiation fetishes, but that's not exactly the angle i was going for....

So here I am, "in a relationship" and I'm somewhere between "just dating" and "the real thing"....I stay at his house a couple nights a week, I wake up beside him.....I see him wrapped up in a bathtowl after his shower.....I listen to him talk in sleep.....and I'm even become accustomed to his snoring....but I find that I'm not "comfortable".....it's like I have no idea how to act now....when we were dating, I knew how to act (sort of)....but as a girlfriend, whoa, I'm flailing.  Choking as a girlfriend.  Lover....I got.  I know how to be one of those.  Wife...I was one of those for six years....pretty sure I know how to do that too.  Friend, have had years of practice.....I know how to be a friend......but this girlfriend role is killing me.  I never know....what's expected of me.  Does HE expect me to stay over night when I go over there?  Should I say i"m going home in hopes that he asks me to stay?  Should I EXPECT to be invited to family things....or super grateful when I DO get invited?  I bought him these 1000 thread count sheets (for his birthday) for his bed while on vacation last week....they are awesome sheets....he needs new sheets.....but does buying sheets for your bf scream that I'm "practically moving in".....will he think..."first comes the sheets, next thing you know there's tampons in my medicine cabinet?"....and you know what's worse?  He probably wouldn't even think that....he'd just likely say thanks....but the fact that I'M freaking about about what he's thinking...worrying about "messing up" to the point of total and utter over-analyzation is KILLING ME!  I don't want to be like this.  I don't wan to feel like a hooved animal on ice...skidding around....out of control.....ready to fall flat....but I do.  I find myself being quiet when i'm usually bubbly.....reserved when I'm normally totally uncensored....I'm a wide receiver who's been thrown the ball, CAUGHT THE BALL BEAUTIFULLY....but instead of running with it....SCORING...i'm standing there in awe that I actually caught it!

He's mine.....and I have no idea what to do with it.

*takes a deep breath*

Any suggestions, pep talks, meditation techniques welcome....

Does anyone else find themselves lost in the role of girlfriend?  It's just that, with other guys, I didn't ever feel like I had anything to lose.  For the first time, I've found something I not only want to hang on to....but also wrap my legs around....and dangit, I DO NOT want to mess this up.  Funny how NOT wanting to mess things up....can cause you to to actually MESS THINGS UP!

*sighs*

So that's where I'm at......where are all of you these days.....lets catch up....

Love to hear from you....

xoxo

~hl~