One + One = Two

Living alone is great in some respects. You can walk around naked, you can dance around like an idiot, you can watch really bad television...and there's not a soul to laugh at you, tell you to put your clothes on or to change the channel. You can cry while watching sappy old movies you've seen a million times (ex. Bridges of Madison County).....you can let a half a gallon of skim milk go bad without so much as a scolding from anyone. You never have to fight over the shower...all the food in the refrigerator belongs to you...well unless you are me, then there's no food in there to claim...but living alone defintately has it's ups.

When you are a "one"...there comes a time when you begin to forget what "two" felt like. For me, that was about six months ago.

There really isn't anything like a little taste of "two" to remind you that no man, or woman is an island.

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"No Man is an Island"

This is a quotation from John Donne (1572-1631). It appears in Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII:

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

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I just thought this was really inspiring...thought maybe you'd like it too.

Men & Shoes

Yesterday I was doing a little cleaning.... going through my drawers and cabinets and throwing away things I don't need or use.

It was really depressing when I had to throw away five unused condoms.... they expired.... EXPIRED. So yeah, that sucked. I threw out a bunch of stuff that I have no idea why I held onto.... I mean, I was NEVER going to used those sponge curlers that you sleep in.... or the rag tie ones that were shiny and gold in color. It felt good to throw some things out...to let go in a sense.....

Do you know that I have 25 different kinds of lotion. twenty-freaking-five. I am not afraid to buy and try on twenty-five different kinds of lotion....but I am scared to date outside of my comfort zone. What's up with that? If I, as a consumer, can be so open to the products I buy, why can't I apply that to my personal life? Get out there, try some new things I haven't tried before...

I need to start thinking of dating like shopping, STEP ONE, you have to leave the house....well unless you Internet shop...which, well, I don't want to do Internet dating...so Internet shopping for the purpose of this post is out. Okay, now that you've left the house, STEP TWO....go to where the product is....the mall, a little shop...where ever....personally first stop for me would be the shoe store. Now shoes comes in all shapes and sizes and colors. Some are built for comfort, some for speed. Some of them will last forever if taken care of and others will be ready to be retired after a single season. Some are only for special occasions, and some go well with any outfit in your closet. However, nothing is more important than than how they look and feel on YOUR foot. This you cannot judge without trying them on.

Essentially dating is just trying someone on for size, seeing if they fit. If I can take the scare factor out of dating and think of it as a leisurely day at my local shoe store....I think I'd be better equipped with the whole scenario. Nobody says I HAVE to buy them...I can try them on....walk around a bit...and if they aren't the perfect fit, they can go right back on the shelf where I found them. You risk getting a scuff or two when you are in those shoes, but you might miss out on that perfect, size nine, high-heeled strappy sandal that you always knew you wanted if you never think to look.

The best thing about both men and shoes....each has the ability to lift you up and make you feel ten feet tall.

Intended Use:

You know what sucks...the fact that I have a 13-mo. supply of birth control pills and a new bra...and these facts combined mean nothing to anyone but me.

I suppose the 13-mo. supply of pills was a bit presumptuous of me...after all, who ever knows they will be having sex for 13 straight months....and the black bra....seemed like a good idea at the time.

So here I sit, single and with enough oral contraceptives to keep a cheerleading squad from getting knocked up.

Life is good.

*sighs*

~hl~

Cycles: Or shall I say "Recycle"

Okay....today I was thinking....yeah, I know....AGAIN!!

They say that in our lives we are attracted to the same kind of guys....and that many times in one's life, they will repeat patterns...dating patterns, job patterns, etc.

So listen to this, and you be the judge.

When I was 18, I met a guy...fell in love, moved in with him....got engaged...realized he was an alcoholic and that I made a HUGE mistake.....things got bad, I moved out and the Two-year relationship ended. It was at that time like the hardest thing I had ever been through. The finacial, emotional, and physical unstability....all gut wrenching. So then, after THAT....I go to Wetzel, meet this really great guy...or so I thought....he's smart, talented, sexy....artistic...and quite frankly the best sex I ever had....for months I carried on with him....telling myself I wasn't as attached to him as I actually was....when it ended, I was so very hurt...but he kind of swooped in after the devastion of my prior break up....when I was a mess, made me feel alive again....and I was thankful to meet him until I found myself seriously hurt when things ended.....as I always knew they were going to. Sure he liked me well enough....but not enough to want to have a real relationship apparently. So then, Mr. Wetzel's friend and I meet at a bar one night....Mr. Wetzel gives his buddy my phone number....New guy (John) starts calling, e-mailing and trying to "get to know me better". Granted, being recently burnt by Mr. Wetzel....I'm reluctant and wary and think John is basically some bullshit guy....and I pretty much refuse to go out with him. He keeps trying, after weeks and weeks of rejection by me...I have a weak moment....I say yes to him and we ended up falling in love and having a beautiful healthy and commited relationship.

Now fast forward SEVEN years....

Not only a break up with Keith...but a divorce...it's worse than the first major breakup as noted above....I moved a couple times...felt as low as possible...hurt, messed up....distrusting....while I'm trying to move on...get back to some sort of normal...I meet a guy....he's great, smart...really smart, handsome, sexy, charming..talented....all the same things as Mr. Wetzel....all of that but BETTER. I hang out with him for months....he's the perfect solution to those lonely times between fucked up and emotionally healthy....UNTIL...i start getting attached.....things get weird...it ends. It lasted exactly the same amount of time as Mr. Wetzel....and ended the same way. Then comes ACT III, a nice unsuspecting fellow mysteriously appears....tries to get me to go out with him for weeks and weeks....I say no, think he's total bullshit....until one day I have a weak moment, accept an invitation to see each other...I go, realize maybe he isn't a looser or a user....and that brings us up to today.

Is that strange or what? Within seven years I've competely repeated a cyle of not only one relationship..but THREE!!!???!!!

Please tell me that my love life isn't the equivalent of the Movie Groundhog's day...and that I'll keep dating the same three guys in exactly the same order and every time winding up with the same results! This is total coincidence right? RIGHT??!!??

War Wounds:

With each relationship we endure in our lifetime, we carry the scars of the endeavor. Like notches in a bedpost, our hearts are covered with the wounds of past heartbreaks. Some so deep and so lasting you think they will never heal. Those are the ones that you thought to be mortal wounds…the ones that hurt you so deeply, that you think you will certainly die…for how can you go on after a injury of that magnitude?

Tonight, I had dinner with a friend….a “mutual friend”

A mutual friend is a person who you had in common with your ex….someone who knew you both and didn’t belong to either of you.

It felt like a therapy session as I sat across the table from her at Captain D’s….leisurely biting into my fish and hushpuppy. I feel as though I may have released too much in one sitting (big surprise there….see yesterday’s post for reference)…I think it’s safe to say that I may of had too much greasy fried fish in one sitting as well….I keep burping up fish flavored air…YUCK!!!….this is sooooo not good!

Anyway as I was sitting there at that table…talking about the “old days”….it was the first time I remembered the “good times” I used to have…the Sunday night volleyball, the time Keith and I sat naked on the porch at two in the morning sharing a cigarette laughing at how crazy it was…or the time Keith tried to be all cute and sneak into the shower with me….and instead he lost his balance and fell OUT of the shower and onto the floor….ripping down the shower curtain on the way, and he laid injured and naked with water going everywhere as I laughed so hard at him I almost fell over…….Yeah, it was the first time in a long time that I was able to put all the hurt, all the sadness aside and not feel like it had all been for nothing. Even though I could punch Keith in the mouth for screwing me on this credit card thing….I do want good things for him…..for him to be happy, and to have the life that he wants.

One of the other notable occurrences of this kind of visit, is the “catch up”….this is getting filled in on everything you missed because you are no longer in someone’s life. I got to hear about my old house, the new girlfriend, how everyone is getting along, who’s no longer friends, and who’s replaced the old ones. It always amazes me how the entire dynamic of a life can change by just adding or subtracting a person or two. You always hear this sentence after a break-up.. “__________ has changed so much since you left.”

I haven’t spoke of my old life in such a long time…..I was amazed at how it flowed out of me….I didn’t even know I had that much to say, until I found myself staring at the blue and white plaid tablecloth just laying it all out there…the why’s and how’s and when it ended….when it was all said and done….I felt full and empty. Two things you never think you’ll feel at the same time….but I did. But the best part was, I didn’t feel bitter or angry…just empty and full.

At this time last year….you would have found me on any given night, sitting on my porch on my favorite rocker/swing with the old raggedy cushions…smoking a cigarette staring out into the corn field wondering what the future held for me. I was lost, and alone and afraid to change. Asking myself if I had it in me to start all over again, wondering how on earth I was going to make it through yet another failure and disappointment. Knowing I was about to break up the only sense of dysfunctional family-life I had left. Only three hundred and sixty five days have passed….and you know, that’s not all that long ago.

So tonight I sit and contemplate all that has come and all that has gone in those 365 monumental days…all the new people I met….all the old ones who came back into my life, the titles I lost, the places I lived…..my heart is starting to heal, my faith in things feels stronger and although I know I’m bound to fail again at this or at that…..I know it’ll all be okay….anyone who’s survived a crazy and abusive dad, AND a divorce….ah, we can make it through ANYTHING. Piece of cake.

{mmmmm…chocolate cake sounds good doesn’t it? --Sorry….that’s my PMS talking again….just ignore me!}

Restraint: I need to shut the f*ck up sometimes:

*slaps myself in the forehead*

*asks myself...."what are you doing??!!??" "What on earth did you say THAT for?"*

I've done this a million times before.... opened my big mouth and wished I'd have bitten my tongue off instead. At least then I'd never be able to repeat the same mistake again...unless I took up blurting things out in sign language. Can you blurt things out in sign language?

And it's always THIS week, the blasted week before my period...I can't fucking keep my trap shut! You say one little thing to me and I'm in full-on emotional mode. I mean I'm not crying and throwing things at people's heads or anything, but I always become an emotional geyser.....you could count on me like clockwork.....I'm fucking the old faithful of spewing things out I wish I'd have kept to myself. You know how drunk people get really honest when under the influence....same kind of thing here....except it's once a month and there's no stopping it.

Somebody do me a favor....you do the math, approximately one month from now...come to my house, steal my computer, cell phone and all the paper and writing utensils I own.....maybe rip the mailbox off the outside of my house too for good measure. Did I mention bring the duct tape, make sure my hands and feet are securly bound and don't you dare leave without taping my mouth shut first.

Premenstrual expression happens....I just need to know how to get it to STOP happening to me.

What’s the Rush?

As women, we want what we want, and we want it all right now. It’s not just American women either…this is a world-wide epidemic, that is bringing women down everywhere. Somewhere right now in Asia there’s a women telling her very best girlfriend that she just wishes "he’d call more often", somewhere in Scotland a women is belly-up to the bar telling her friend that "I want him so badly....THAT if he were here right now, I'd rip off that kilt and have my way with him!"…..and somewhere in America, there’s a girl telling her very best Italian friend….I just wish I had some answers as to where this is going….if anywhere.

What is it about us that drives us to have it all right now. Where is our willingness to wait, to be patient? Is the world ending tomorrow?….will “Mr. Right” really slip away if we don’t get him locked down within the first five minutes of meeting him? And if he is “Mr. Right”…where’s he going anyway…..any road he takes will only lead him back to you…..right?

I’ve been really guilty of this before….hence marrying a guy after only a brief six-week romance…Did I marry him out of fear of losing him….or out of fear of being alone? Did I really need a legal document binding me to him to make it legit? Why did it have to be all or nothing….oh and all or nothing RIGHT NOW!!??!!. Take about a second and a half to think it through before you say “I DO”! {that’s good advice, you might want to write that down somewhere…..}

Everyone is in such a big hurry….when does anyone ever stop and appreciate what they got, whatever that is. If it’s the start of a relationship…why rush to the next level…you already know the level exists….enjoy the one you are at and let the transition to the next be just as wonderful. When discovering a new friend…don’t rush for them to be your bestest friend in the whole wide world…you’ll get there if they are worthy of the title.

Time is key….time is the ingredient to longevity. If your friendship grows in time….it will only continue to do so as long as both parties feed the relationship, want it and appreciate it. And if not, if it ends…who’s to say that you were meant to be friends forever. People come into your life and people go….the good ones…they are yours to keep…but there are few good ones….and most of us are lucky enough to have a handful of them to call our own. They are our “people”….

One of the hardest things for a girl to do is to shut of the wheels that are constantly turning, to focus on what is “right now”, and forget about what will be.

These are the moments of your life...the good ones, the bad ones and the ones in between....

On the road map of life/love….it’s okay to get lost…to take some detours, experience the local color, to taste the cuisine…and if you find somewhere you like…stay a night or two….you’ll get to where you are going, enjoy where you are so long as you are there.

~hl~

GUILTY!!

Yes, yes.....I have a confession. I'm guilty. I don't know what happened to me, I used to be so above this kind of thing....so take a good look...this is the face of someone who's guilty of a crime I hate...a crime of the lowest kind....GAME PLAYING!

I've complained a million times about this exact thing...how I don't want to play games, I just want to be honest and direct and all that shit. Yet tonight....when a certain gentleman called, I screened him. Yep, there is, I admit it....slap the cuffs on me and haul me to the slammer...I'm the lowest of the low...I'm a hypocrite!!!

Granted....my new criminal lifestyle is a direct result of a little misdemeanor known as mixed signals...and I'm not emotionally..or shall I say relationship friendly enough for that kind of crime against femininity. I'm a women, a recently singled one at that...I can't go jumping head first into a brick wall....no, no, no....I'm no masochist...I can't do that to myself...I'm cautious about love and dating....my heart cannot sustain another crack in it's frail exterior this year....nope, not this year...maybe 2008 would be the year of my next heartbreak. There's my optimistic spirit shining through! Yeah!!

Okay, so anyway....back to me being a loser....I met a guy awhile back....he's nice and handsome and funny....he seems to really "get" me..you know how some people just have that way about them....well he does. Anyway...he's asked me out sooooooo many times...not necessarily on dates, but to do this or that...could be dates, could be just two friends hanging out.....anyway...so I always say no. Too busy, have other plans, don't feel up to it...blah, blah, blah... Until one day, I ask myself..."Heather..where's the harm, he's a nice boy...just go see him....it won't kill you!"

So, I went. Yep...I got up the nerve, I went and it went well. We had a nice chat....there maybe was a slight spark....and I went home. Little 20 minute chat....a test chat as I lovingly refer to it as. Anyway...after that visit, there came visit #2...also nice....good conversation...all that wonderful getting to know one another stuff....nervous...yet weirdly comfortable...

At first I was like...does this dude like me or does he like want to be my pal around guy? I really couldn't place his affection....he seemed interested....but hell, I've been out of the game so long...I really didn't know. By the end of the night....I had my answer...in fact he did. And before you go jumping the gun, NO! I didn't sleep with him....there are OTHER ways to get your answer you know! Geeze!!

Anyway...that was weeks ago. I haven't saw him since. When I asked him why someone who invested so much time breaking me down and MAKING me want to give him a chance...would then suddenly take a step back, act shady and distant, he replied with something about wanting to make sure he was making the right next step....whatever that was. And I was like What? I mean I'm no expert here, but I didn't know that apparently in today's dating field, ya'll have to have a plan prior to. Which is NOT good news for me....I'm a "wing it" girl...always have been, probably always will be.

Anyway....so while he's taken his steps back to boyhood retreat mode, I've taken the option of anything more than friendship off the table. I act as though it's the best choice for everyone....maybe I'd have really liked him....maybe he and I would have really been something....but then again...maybe not. A mystery it may just always be.

He called tonight, and I didn't answer...If he and I were a game of baseball....they'd be pulling out the tarps and covering the field.....ladies and gentlemen....the games been called on account of rain. It's not that I WANT to play games....I didn't let the phone ring to teach him a lesson...I didn't do it to say..HA! Take that!!....I just didn't know what I would say, or what he was going to say....and I've had weeks to build up a certain amount of fear about that phone call....therefore....I didn't answer...I let it ring. I don't know whats worse to play the game or to sit the bench?

Two steps forward....three steps back.

Fortunes:

I had Chinese for lunch today....which started me reminiscing about last week....

Last week I had some Chinese food with a guy friend of mine. After we finished dinner, he went into the kitchen and upon his return, he handed me my fortune cookie. I smiled and said thank you.

I love fortune cookies...not so much for the cookie itself..because I don't know anyone who would love fortune cookies without the fortune...they are novel little crunchy words of wisdom, and I like food that can be classified as inspirational.

Anyway, my fortune said: "Don't search forever, happiness is right next to you!" I looked at what was next to me and according to my fortune cookie...I need to stop looking...happiness is in the form of a guy, who was reading his own fortune on the couch right next to me. Spending time with him does make me quite happy....no need to read more into it than that right?! I'm not a silly girl...well not all the time anyway....

I shook my head...scoffed a little...shook my head some more and then asked my friend what his fortune entailed...he handed it to me, I read...his was something in regards to his ideas being worth writing a book about or selling or something.....he asked what mine said...I read it to him...repeating the words...happiness is right next to you....I laughed, tossed my fortune onto the coffee table dismissively and said..."everyone knows those things are total bullshit!"

For a second though....and mind you, it was JUST A SECOND....I had this slight twinge of want for it to be right. Maybe happiness was sitting next to me.....and maybe I'll have him to sit next to in the future...only time can tell about these sorts of things....and maybe happiness is always found in the comfort derived by spending your time with a friend. After all, it didn't say love was right next to me....but that my happiness was.

In that moment...and in those that followed, I truly was happy....maybe fortune cookies aren't total bullshit after all! *smiles*

Now if I could just get those pesky "lucky numbers" to pan out in the Mega Millions drawing tonight....THEN I'll be a believer...that fortune cookies bring good fortune and lots of it!

~hl~

Getting Screwed:

[Warning: This is an angry post....One might even say bitter or even hostile. Not for the faint of heart!]

It's Thursday....it's Thursday at 7:30 p.m. I'm cleaning my apartment. Sure that sounds like a normal activity right...NO! I assure it is NOT. I hate cleaning ...dusting, sweeping, mopping, picking up/putting away...I am not one to readily dive into this undertaking! It's not me. So naturally you might ask...well, if you hate it so much, why are you doing it on this particular Thursday at 7:30 p.m.

Good, I'm glad you asked...because I'll tell you why I'm cleaning...because I'm pissed. And who better to take my frustration out on than my kitchen linoleum? Or better yet, my bathroom toilet...if things keep going the way they are ...escalating...I may even break out the Windex and wash windows! This is ridiculous...I have cleaning supplies I didn't know I even owned...even worse..I'm not even sure which one is used for what...the one says multi-use..but surely I can't mop my floor with the same thing I use to wash the kitchen counter...or can you? And Mop & Glo...you put that on AFTER you mop the floor once...you mean I have to mop it TWICE! Geeze....this is like freaking WORK...I need a housekeeper!

So...you are probably wondering why I'm pissed...well...it all started in 2000 when I married a guy named Keith. It didn't end on that fateful day in February when we divorced. See the Putnam County Common Pleas court ever so graciously accepted our dissolution documents which had Keith keeping the house, two trucks, the lawn mower, grill, our bed, my old brown chair my mom gave me, the "good" television with the great armour he had bought me for Christmas, the boats, half the checking and savings account, every ounce of blood, sweat and tears I put into making that house our home, but on top of all of that..he got to keep the dogs too....so to offset all of that he was awarded our "one" credit card obligation as his very own. But what the fantastic Putnam County Common Pleas Court Judge didn't do, was force him to assume the debt in his name. Therefore, I currently have a credit card with a balance of approx. $1,000.00 give or take, that has had a late payment made for more months than I dare count...or even want to think about.

Yesterday I called my most fantastic ex-husband to ask him why he hadn't made the $78.00 late payment that I called him about two weeks ago, only to have him tell me that if my credit was being ruined, I had nobody to blame but myself. I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head...

WHAT!!!???!!!??? Are you freaking
kidding me???!!!???

I make my payments on time, I pay my ever-loving bills, it's you that is killing my credit score, it's same old irresponsible YOU who isn't!! Do you know that because of the late payments he's paying an interest rate of 30% THIRTY FUCKING PERCENT!!!!

Being the level headed girl that I am, I just ask him..."Please, please, please apply for one of those zero percent interest cards in your own name....PLEASE, you're killing me over here!! He says "NO!"...I have as long as I want to pay it off...

Tell me this, who in their right mind would take their good old sweet time paying off a debt when there's a 30% interest rate hanging over their head? Who in their right mind would be a stubborn ass...showing me what's up...and in the process completely fucking themselves? Oh, he's showing me alright...he's fucking with the one thing I can't stop him from doing...ruining my credit, however he's fucking himself out of money...money he apparently doesn't even have to fuck himself out of!!!

So...my credit is shot, but my fucking floor is spotless...seriously...I did the unimaginable...I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed it with a toothbrush....its official...this is as low as a girl can get...toothbrush in hand, dirty knees and a shiny floor. Oh, and ruined credit.

Thanks Keith...this is why an eternity with you would have been a life sentence no self-respecting-bill-paying-responsible human being ever deserves. So much for getting out unscathed.

Update: Okay, so I contacted the credit card company...they say if I fax over my divorce decree...they can legally transfer my account over to Keith's name, then they'll go back, review the account and then see what they can do about sending a corrected report to the credit agency....we'll see if this helps! Keep your fingers crossed!

Power of Prayer:

So...God and I....we have an on-again off-again relationship. It's not him though, it's me....I'm the problem. He knows it...tries to remain understanding....and he knows I always come back, eventually.

My sister was telling me the other day that I need to pray about things in order to find the right thing to do. I said back to her without even thinking..."that stuff never works for me!" My little sister, she's a praying fool...the girl prays all the time...night or day, weekends, holidays...she probably does it in her sleep. Me on the other hand...I have always had this thing that I don't start praying unless it's something really bad...something serious. Like I don't like to bother God with things that I think I can handle myself...and I'm sure there are Christians out there right now saying "Heather...that's just stupid....you should go to God for everything, make him a part of your day-to-day life, ask and ye shall receive and all of that...." right?..Are you saying that? You are probably right...I SHOULD be doing this....and I gave it some thought and maybe instead of thinking my prayers are never answered...I suppose maybe I'm just praying for the wrong things.....and unanswered prayers COULD be as much as a blessing as they are a let-down.

So God, if you are listening...it's me, Heather....yeah, it's been awhile...just wanted to let you know I'm still here...kicking things around down here in Delphos....making some big choices....and tonight, before I got to bed, I'll tell you all about it....see if I can't make a better effort at this from here on out. You know I'm far from perfect.....but my heart is usually in the right place...and that's got to count for something....I hope.

Oh, and Brooke, thanks for the religious pep talk...you know I'm a huge slacker...you and God both....but you also know that sometimes, maybe I just need to be reminded that you first have to give in order to receive....and if you don't ask for help...you just might not receive any...then you have nobody to blame but yourself.

The "Happy Place"

Everyone supposedly has one...that one memory we all revert to in times of stress or pain...the mental image of that place or time that brought us joy or peace...or pure happiness.

Your happy place could be a time spent with someone you love, it could be a beautifully breathtaking place you were fortunate enough to see with your own eyes....it could be in your Grandma's kitchen with the smell of freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven.

When I was a kid...my happy place.....was always with my horses. Maybe we'd be running across a field with me riding them bareback....feeling the muscles flexing beneath me, the wind stinging my eyes and the smell of "horse" blowing back from his mane. Hooves beating and kicking up dust which is made magical looking as the golden sunshine accentuates it, the hissing sound the grass would make as we flew over top....everything about that memory is perfect. My blood pressure drops...a sense of well-being is established and whatever is getting the best of me doesn't seem so scary....afterall...running at top speeds upon the back of the horse, with no saddle and no fear....it's as dangerous as anything else life might throw at you.

I wonder....where do other people go....am I the only one who sits in a Dr.'s office, or job interview mentally running off to days of childhood horseback riding....?

Lately I have been reverting to a new "happy place"...and frankly....I'm a little worried, my "happy place" now isn't so much happy as it is overwhelming...this new place makes me bite my lip....sure, I still get lost in the memory...but the memory raises my blood pressure and makes my stomach become filled with butterflies...I've tried to stop it, however, each time, it's the same vision that comes over me and all I can do is smile and enjoy the trip down memory lane. I want my old happy place back....this one is too tumultuous.

Anybody have the name of a good exorcist?

Another Blogger Interaction:

So yesterday I was in tears writing that last post....today, I'm feeling a little better...just sat down here at the computer, thought I'd do a little catching up on my comments after dinner...and this one in particular stood out. So, I thought I'd provide my response to it here, because I think it's worth reading....well, it felt meaningful to me...so, here goes....

Anonymous said...
Heather, I think what you really need to do is take a good long look at what you really want and where it is you want to be in life. In other words, don't go jumping into something that you're not sure about just because you're craving something different. Been there and done
that...twice. Trust me, diving in with both feet and having nothing more than high hopes doesn't usually work out.Something else to think about is how much have you done different since you left Keith? From my limited knowledge (and I may be wrong here) it seems like you're still carrying on pretty much the same routine that you did beforehand. What efforts have you made to change your life here in Delphos? Is it fair to criticize or condemn this town just because you haven't ventured out and tried anything different? Just food for thought. :o)

I'm not saying not to get out of Delphos, but rather make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and not solely because you're seeking change. While someplace new might fulfill that craving early on, if it's not what you really wanted then you'll be in the exact same predicament before you know it.

Jim
Jun 18, 2007
2:29:00 AM

Whew....he sure get's straight to the point doesn't he? See Jim is like one of those hard hitting journalists who really wants to get to the point of a story...doesn't want to mess around with the fluff or emotional blah, blah, blah...he strips all of that way and just asks those tough questions that force us to respond. And Jim...we've had our differences, we've fought like cat's and dogs at times...to the point we didn't speak to each other there for awhile...and please know this post is in No way a slam aimed at you or intended to be a slam at all for that matter....you asked some tough questions, in return...here's my response:

Jim ~ I wasn't going to publish this particular reply from you because something in it made me feel like being defensive and saying "who does he think he is to tell ME that the problem is most likely ME!" But I thought better of it after I realized that you are trying to be helpful not hurtful...something that I've not always been good at reading from you....anyway...I'm sure your intentions are sincere ones..so here's my reply:

I guess if I really knew where I wanted to be in life..if that was knowledge I had within my hands....you think I'd be divorced and living here in Delphos writing in my blog about possibly moving? I think not. As for what I want...I DON'T know! I wish I did....I wish I had that kind of insight into myself...however, it's always been just out of reach for me. It's not that I'm craving something different per se, it's more like pushing myself to try new things....to venture out there and FIND what it is that makes me happy. I am a person who has to experience things to know whether it's something I'd like or dislike...which is why I'm always afraid to try things...what if I like it..then my life will have to change...what if this and what if that....however I sit on my hands and let time just slowly pass me by. Here in Delphos...I'm content. Happy and content are not always the same thing. And if I can't find out what I want sitting here being content, maybe I need to go searching..maybe I need for ONCE in my life to step out of the comfort zone that is my little existence here and just see....just see...you should know...you did it..twice! Don't you feel smarter having done so...to say that you know what lays beyond the horizon?

In the last year and a half, I've graduated college, started a new career, left a job of 8 years to do so, I left my husband of six years and nothing about my current life resembles my old one. I'd never condemn this town....Delphos is my home, a home I never really wanted to leave..see I'm one of those crazy fuckers who actually thought I could stay here and live happily ever after...crazy I know...so the fact that making a decision to leave is so difficult should speak to the value I place on this little spot on the map known as Delphos.

In Delphos...I'm the daughter of "that crazy bastard Dick"...in Delphos I'm "Keith's ex-wife"...these are the realities I can never escape...and you have no idea the weight they carry...and I don't want to run away from who I am, but it sure would be nice to be able to make a clean start wouldn't it? Delphos is like Cheers, everyone knows your name...and my name...well, it isn't what it once was, nor can ever be again.

Bursting at the Seams:

Gosh...where to begin....so much to say....

Do you ever get the feeling that in life, you are just standing still...trapped in a moment...and it takes someone offering you something to make you realize that you are doing just that....that being......standing still?

So it's nine o'clock on Sunday night....I just got home from Dayton/Cincinnati and I feel like my entire life has been set into motion and stopping the wheels that have started is just beyond my control.

I left town yesterday morning with so much on my mind...so many questions to find answers to....and alas, I feel like I might know what it is I should do....but it involves saying goodbye to everything and everyone I know....and I don't know if I have the heart to do it.

Change is something I've never been good at.....leaving is something I have the hardest time doing.....and yet here I am on the verge of doing just that....changing everything and leaving everything behind.....AGAIN.

Delphos is where people live when they want to be close to family...a great little place to raise kids, have a family.....blah...blah...blah. I have no family of my own...and my father and brother disowned me, my mom...well as much as I wish I saw her more..I don't see her that often and both of my sisters are hours away from me. The only person I see what one would call regularly here is Steph. She's always there for me, she's always helping me get through the day....and now....in order to do what I THINK the right thing is....I have to move on....move out....get out.

I don't want to be forty years old living in my one-bedroom apartment all alone in this town. I don't want to have to be extra careful on my steps because I don't have health insurance. I don't want to go to work everyday and come home only to be greeted by my cat...but it's what I'm used to, it's what I know...and yet it somehow isn't enough....even if I don't want to admit it.

All I know is...leaving Keith was one of the hardest things in the entire world for me to do. I wanted to do it sooner...but I, being an optimist wanted to believe things would get better....then after six years...when they never did, I finally bit the bullet and did what I felt was right...and God it was scary. Sometimes I look back and I'm still surprised that I did it. Very few women leave just to leave these days....at least not here. They stay for the kids, or they leave because they are abused in some way....I left because I wanted something more...something that MEANT something. I didn't think that loving someone should be so painful to try to continue to do, and I no longer wanted to be invisible not only to Keith, but to myself...the longer I stayed the more see-through I became. I was living a shadow of an existence.

Now that I'm out...and on my own.....I have zero doubt that it was the right thing for me to do....and even though I hurt people, and even though so many people doubted me....I did it and I'm happier for it....so I have to believe that by being scared to try something, being afraid to just take a chance that things COULD be better.....well, it just may pay off....and maybe instead of always screwing my life up like I'm notorious for doing...I'll do something good, something better with my life....and maybe I'll find love and life somewhere out there in this big world....but how will I ever know....if I'm always right here..where I've always been...doing that which I've always done?

But how do you say goodbye to the only place you've ever known, to the people who love you and who are always there when I need them...and how do I learn to believe in myself enough to trust that "I" really CAN do this?!?!

Yours,
~hl~

Communication: Men vs. Women

This week has been quite eye opening in the world of communication for me.

The way men and women interpret any given situation is so very different from one another. The way we process the information given to us is different.....

Take this for example: Girl meets guy, guy shows interest in girl....they go out, have a nice time, then one night, girl and guy make out, maybe do a little more....and then.......then.....guy doesn't call in the days immediately following...girl doesn't call because, well SHE doesn't want to be the one to call first, guy doesn't call because he's home contemplating dating her...and in the meantime....while the guy's thinking....the girl's thinking that he's just not that into her...next thing you know....girl decides he's not worth her time since he didn't call..and the guy, well when he finally does decide to reapproach...it's too late. Case closed. Total breakdown of communication killed their little romance. Both had good intentions, but in the end, all the good intentions in the world don't mean a thing if those intentions aren't verbalized, e-mailed, text messaged or sent via carrier pidgeon.

And guys, what's with the disappearing act? Do you think it's normal to fall off the face of the earth and be antisocial? Do you think that women don't notice? And that when you do finally decide to resurface that we'll just be so happy you called that all will be great again? Leaving a woman in the dark is like putting a bag over her head and then proceeding to hit her with a stick..it's painful, disorienting and well, it's just not nice.

Communication is key to any relationship....family, friends, significant others....if there's no communication there's no relationship...............period.

IT'S OVER!!

Well folks...it's official, I've managed to make it through another year's pap smear...yes, yes...thank you...no need for applause....it's all done in the name of good health. *winks*

I wore my 4" high heels to work yesterday and didn't bother taking them off when I got examined...I mean c'mon they are shoes, I think he can check out my vagina without worrying about my feet right? However, he looked kind of concerned when he saw them...even more concerned when I peered down at him between my knees that he told me to "allow to slowly fall apart",...to be careful...I'm not sure if this remark made him think I was going to take my heel out of the stirrup and stab him with my dangerous ordinance of a shoe, or if he thought something was going to fly out of my crotch and bite him. I wasn't sure which scenario was funnier....what can I say, a girl just don't get all warm and fuzzy inside for the man who says..."you're going to feel a little pressure now" or "I'm going to insert the speculum now!" It all sucks....there's nothing pleasant about it. My favorite line is "Honey, there's some tissues over there on the counter for you to use to clean up a bit!" Yeah, that's great, leave me in a little room, naked from the waste down after being fondled by some dude I only met a minute ago....with a box of tissues....yeah, I feel all better now...! Frankly, I think Kleenex should be all over this...."TISSUES, not just for your nose anymore!" OR "After a day like this...Kleenex will be there!....Now with Aloe!"

Oh and just so you know..."slowly let your knees fall apart" is a doctor's way of saying spread your legs damnit, I need to get in here and scrape you with this little pipe-cleaner looking thing...I've got ten teenagers in the lobby who would LOVE to be where you are!" I guess "slowly let your knees fall apart" sounds better....

I have a confession....where I don't feel bad for my Dr.....I DID feel bad for lying to the very, very nice old lady who gives me my pills when I told her I quit smoking....I mean, I intend to quit smoking....I just told her about my premature success is all....I felt even worse when she was going over my lab results, telling me that my hemoglobin count was at 14....which was up from last year and she said "look what quitting smoking has done for you....better blood already!" Of course I was thinking "Damn I'm one healthy smoker!...Maybe I don't have to quit just yet!" This being a terrible, terrible way to think. I think the cigarettes make me say things like that....they are evil you know.

Anyway...so my blood is good, my urine also good, blood pressure...yeah, that's good too. Breast exam...all good...pap smear....{and for the record, I hate them...HATE THEM....} I don't get my results back on that for a couple weeks, but hopefully my cervix will check out to be as healthy as the rest of me!

Hope you are all as healthy and happy as I am!

Sincerely,

~hl~

Organge:

I don't know if you guys know this, but my favorite color is Orange. It's always been my favorite. I think it all stems from the fact that my hair is orange....they call it strawberry blonde, but let's be honest shall we, it's orange.

I was thinking today...do you think it's possible that we develop a liking for things simply because of the color? Okay...so check this out, my favorite color is orange and I like Sunkist soda, orange sherbet, oranges, I enjoy the orange residue Doritos leave on your fingers, orange popsicles, orange jello...I love a good orange sunset, I like the smell of orange cleaning products and orange flowers....the list goes on and on.

Do you think that I like the color orange because I like the taste of orange things, or do you think I like the taste of orange things because my eyes find the color so visually appealing? Or do you think the whole thing is just one big coincidence...and that maybe I should get back to work and stop writing non-sense like this here?

Fine Line Between Love and Hate:

One of my good friends is going through a break-up right now....and the other day she told me that she feels like her ex hates her. And I told her, there's a reason why they say there's a fine line between love and hate....and that's because there is. Both emotions require full commitment. You can't half love or half hate someone, it's all or nothing. It requires passion to do both, it requires commitment to stay the course as well.

So it's not so hard to see how one can go from loving someone to hating them or vice versa.

Here's a story of exactly that:

When I was a freshman in High School, there was this guy....he was really cute by all high school standards, he was a football player, popular, a Junior....funny, cocky..all those great qualities in a adolescent boy. Anyway....he was friends with my friend Steph's Boyfriend and one day I made a HUGE mistake..I told Steph I had a dream about Adam...(FYI, again not really his name...)....Steph told her boyfriend, her boyfriend told Adam and that folks is where my trouble began!

So there I was one day in the cafeteria....minding my own business, enjoying Salisbury steak and mashed potato day when I hear a voice booming behind me...the voice saying...."So Heather, I hear you dream about me every night!" This booming voice being so booming that the entire cafeteria falls silent to hear what is being said. I don't even have to turn around to know that Adam is announcing to the entire school that I fantasize about him when I'm unconscious. I put my fork down, give Steph my evil eye for telling, turn to Adam and say "Look, I don't know what you've heard, but I didn't have a dream about you, I have nightmares...NIGHTMARES!" "There's nothing pleasant about dreaming about YOU!" I was mortified...I could have killed Steph. But, what was done was done, there was no reason to be pissed about it now. God, the whole school heard him....I walked down the halls and people smirked, the football team gave me evil grins and my friends gave me the "poor girl" head tilt. Its times like these when a girl contemplates her social future....and considers being home-schooled. So, I guess it's pretty obvious that for the remainder of the two years I attended school with Adam, he was my mortal enemy. I never smiled at him, I never laughed at his stupid juvenile jokes in study hall and I never cheered when he threw a touchdown pass. It was official...I HATED HIM.

Now, fast forward to the summer of 1996. The summer after I graduated High School. One of my very good friends was Michelle. Michelle had brothers...Michelle's brothers had friends. We all congregated at the same place...bringing 20-something year old guys together with eighteen year old girls. It was hookup central!

One night, while out at Michelle's I snuck off into the yard to smoke a cigarette and just as I began to light it, a shadowy figure approaches me, I couldn't make out who it was at first and it wasn't until the shadowy figure grabbed the cigarette out of my mouth, snapped it in half and threw it to the ground that I found the shadowy figure to be none other than Asshole Adam! I defiantly pulled out another one, lit it and blew the first puff of smoke right into his face. He again grabbed the cigarette, broke it in half and threw it to the ground. I was growing quite tired of this little charade and asked him, "What the fuck is YOUR problem?" and he says to me..."I don't like kissing girls who smoke!"....talk about being full of himself....if his head was any bigger he might not have been able to have walked back in through the gaping garage door!

So I say to him..."Well, considering there's zero chance me kissing you....I don't think it much matters now does it?!" He just smiled at me and said, "Seriously Heather, you shouldn't smoke." He said it with sincerity....something I didn't know a smart ass like him was capable of. Regardless, I was bullheaded and refused to allow him to dictate my actions, so I lit up yet another cigarette and this time took a few steps away from him to counteract any attack he was planning on my Marlboro Light. He smiled at me once more and said that he'd leave me alone now and he walked back into the darkness and then back into the garage with the others.

I was left alone wondering, what the hell has gotten into him...why was Adam the Asshole being nice to ME. As the weeks went on...he paid more and more attention to me....there were more long talks out in Michelle's yard about all sorts of things....there were sideways glances at his softball games, the occasional brushing up against each other in a crowded hallway.....he'd buy me drinks at the bar....and it progressed from there. Before long he and I were secretly seeing each other. I don't know who was more adamant about keeping it a secret, me or him. Everybody knew that I hated him...EVERYONE. How could I go and tell everyone that the guy I've despised for so many years was now my secret lover? I don't know what his reasons were for wanting to keep it under wraps...but we both were on the same page about making our little affair public knowledge. And to this day, I don't know how we went from ultimate rivals to secret lovers...was it maturity, was it misplaced lust disguised at hatred.....? I don't know....but that summer, I learned a lot about my rival. I learned personal things...I learned that there was more to him than he let on. He was like a real person...a real person who hid behind immaturity and boyish charm to get what he wanted in life. He was a show-off by day and a passionate lover by night. He was a contradiction of things really. And come the end of the summer, I really couldn't have predicted the way things would have ended.

The night before he was to leave for college, Adam called me, it was late...everyone at my house fast asleep. He came to see me to say goodbye, we shared an intimate moment on my parent's couch and I walked him to his car afterwards. I sat on the hood, he leaning into me telling me that as soon as he got his phone at his apartment hooked up that he'd call. Thirty days later....nothing. Not a call, a letter or even a post card. Thirty more days after that, I got a new job and began dating my boss at work. Then the phone calls started. He suddenly remembered the redhead he left back home. But it was too late. He was too late.

On one cold night in October, he was home from college for the weekend, Michelle & her brothers where having people over....by this time, I was not only dating my boss, we were living together. I went to see Michelle and my other friends....Adam met me at the end of the driveway. He said he was sorry and that he should have called sooner...I felt terrible for him, he seemed genuinely hurt by my rejection of his interest. But I held firm, even when he tried to kiss me and told me that he missed me....I turned my head and said, "I'm sorry Adam...I'm going inside now...." and I walked away from him. I'll never forget that moment with him. It was the moment I saw the guy whom I hated for so many years, shed all that immature boy bullshit and feel something honest for another human being. I think he honestly, wholeheartedly did miss me.

The sad thing is.....to this day, when I see him, I see the real him however he's since resorted to hiding his true self behind the imaginary persona he thinks others see him as....he married a classmate of mine...which tends to be a common trend with guys of my past....and even though we don't really speak much now.....I know that for one summer I learned what it was to forgive and forget the transgressions of another...I learned that exteriors and first impressions aren't always the God's honest truth and that you can find connection with some of the most unlikely suspects. Adam being mine.

WWJD?:

I have a question: If you are dating someone who's religious...who's faith is more substantially rigid than yours...is it wrong to say "Oh God" while having intimate relations with said person? Is this considered sacrilegious? And if I can't say "Oh God"....who's name should I say? Or maybe verbalizing pleasure is also a sin....man, this is just snowballing into a whole other question...or set of questions....

I've thought of something new to try...like "Oh my"..."Goodness"...."Holy Cow"....I also considered just having all future boyfriends with the name of...say.....Bob. Then I could say "Oh Bob.." and never get it wrong....but nothing is clicking....YOU try looking at yourself in the mirror in your best sexy breathless voice and say.."Oh my"....it doesn't work! You just wind up feeing like your 80 year old grandmother....might as well pin your hair up in a bun and forget the sex and make some home-made chocolate chip cookies or something...maybe play some shuffleboard or whatever the old folks are doing these days.

I'm going to do some more thinking on this...and come back later..... Hopefully I'm not struck down by lightning in the meantime....I'm just asking a question...it's better to know right?!

Any religious people out there? Do you only do it missionary style while remaining perfectly silent? I just want to know if I'm going straight to hell for the act....or if additionally the precise details of said act will also seal my fate.

Feel free to pipe in....it's only my immortal soul you may be saving!

I'm an animal lover...I am....so this next statement might be a little shocking for some of you....

I want an unidentified bird outside my window to die a slow and miserable death!

There's a family of Martins that live near my house...where I'm not exactly sure, but they are magnificent birds....their chirping is music, their flight patterns aerodynamic, they are a joy to have as part of the neighborhood, but every night as I sit outside and try to appreciate them...it's always interrupted by this god awful screeching....!!! I don't know what kind of bird it is, but I'm certain if flew straight out of hell and into the sky above Delphos, Ohio. If I still had a gun, I'd break all firearm restrictions in this town to take a shot at bringing down Lucifer in the form of a bird. No Joke! This bird flies by day AND by night....I hear it in the morning, I hear it always. I hate it wholeheartedly. I've managed to bite my tongue for nine months...but I can no longer contain my discontent.

I guess not all birds can be as beautifully appealing as the Purple Martin....

And on a side note.....I was thinking....churches.....they had to be built by men. Because only men would measure the greatness of their faith....by the size of their steeple. He who has the biggest steeple wins? Is that it?

~hl~

Historical Man-Whores:

I was just standing next to my door, smoking a cigarette, as I'm finally feeling better after my week-long illness, when I hear that familiar and glorious sound of a Harley Davidson approaching the stoplight at the end of my street.

I watched as it appeared there between the church and the library and it turned out to be someone I knew....a long, long time ago.

Once upon a time in my early stages of adulthood, there was this guy. We'll call him Calvin. That's not really his name, but that's what we are going to call him! Calvin was, oh, maybe three or four years older than me, not bad looking, but a total slut. A slut within my own circle of friends I might add. He has been with more women in Delphos than I can count on all my fingers and toes...and all the fingers and toes of most of my friends as well! And when I said he's not bad looking...and he isn't, but he's also hardly Don Juan either! Not enough charisma or legendary folk lore to compare to be honest.

Now before the days when Diaper Jeanies and pampered chef parties became all the rage..and before everyone was married with kids and living their Oh, so professional lives as Dr's and Lawyers and such...we were all a bunch of horny young adults who's weekends consisted of random hook-ups, picking out what outfit would make us look older than we were and who's I.D. we were going to use to get into the club.

Anyway...on one such weekend, myself and all of my very best girlfriends were out on the town partaking in underage drinking, smoking, and listening to music entirely too loud....and we ended up at Calvin's house. A notorious hangout for underage drinkers with breasts...and the guys who wished to get a look at them. At some point in the night, I left to go pick something up at the store with some other friends, who only dropped me off back at Calvin's and then left. I, thinking my friends were all still inside, went up the steps and into Calvin's apartment. Only to find him there alone. All of my friends had since left, where to, I had no idea. I ask Calvin, "Where'd everybody go?"...he says.."They just went to get more beer, they'll be back!" I sat in what was now a dark living room with Calvin, patiently awaiting my loyal and bestest friends to return. However a half an hour later still no sign of them. I tried to call Michelle's cell phone, however it went straight to voice mail. Grrrrr!

After an hour, my slight beer buzz had turned into a sedative and I was literally falling asleep on Calvin's couch. Being naive, it didn't' occur to me to think it a ploy when he told me to go lay in his bed and he'd wake me when my friends returned. Him promising to remain on the couch so I could have the whole bed to myself. "Cool"...I thought. Mind you..I was young..and clearly not aware of the situation I was putting myself in. I honestly believed, any minute my friends would be returning.

Once in Calvin's bed, I immediately fell into a deep sleep, my consciousness and wariness completely overtaken by side effects of bud light....Damn Light Beer! Next thing I know, I feel my shirt lifting and a warm hand beginning to slide upward towards my bra. I try to open my eyes....I really do, but the most I can muster is my own hand going inside of my shirt and pulling said foreign hand back out. By this time...the eyes begin to open and open to find Calvin in bed with me, in his boxers and making quite the effort to go where no Calvin has gone before. I tell him to stop and that my friends will be back any minute....he says "Your friends aren't coming back, I told them when you returned, I'd take you to get your truck....and not to worry about you!" All I could think was...

"SHIT!!!!!! Some fucking friends I have!!!"

Now....how to get out....have to get the hell out of here.....N-O-W! Not that Calvin was a rapist by any means, I mean he wasn't being forceful as much as he was uninvited. I mean, Calvin had been with like all of my friends...I was not going to go where EVERY woman had gone before....no matter how good he smelled, or how much beer he bought me...I wasn't about to sleep with him. When I told him as much....he immediately was PISSED! I mean, he was really pissed at me. It was as if he'd never heard the word NO before. I made him get dressed and drive me to my truck....we drove silently to my cousin's where my truck had been parked and we didn't speak a word as I let myself out of his car and onto the street.

The years to follow, Calvin was still in my circle of friends....still sleeping with a friend here and a friend there....but he never forgave me. He has never spoke to me other than a "hi" or "hello" since that fateful night over ten years ago. Did I bruise his ego so badly that he's never been able to forget it...because God knows I didn't break his poor little heart!

Calvin is now married to a girl I used to be friends with....a girl I'd have never thought in a million years would have given him the time of day...and now they ride together happily on his motorcycle..past my little humble abode where I sit and write stories of the "ones that got away"! or in this case, the ones I couldn't get away from fast enough! *smiles*

Best of luck to them both!!

~hl~

To Be Monica Lewinsky

I woke up early today....six thirty. I was so thirsty from the margarita I had last night, my tongue was literally stuck to the roof of my mouth. I went to the refrigerator, grabbed a Barq's root beer and shuffled back to my bed. I took a few sips...the ultimate fizziness burning my nose, but quenching my thirst. That's when Monica Lewinsky popped into my head. I have no idea why, or how it happened...but it did. The only thing I can come up with is I caught a glimpse of this book I've been meaning to read on my bookshelf entitled "The Best of Times, America in the Clinton Years" by Haynes Johnson and that's what brought Monica to mind. Otherwise....I think it's safe to say that "I've got issues"....because seriously when mid-nineties notorious sex scandalists come to mind while in bed at six thirty a.m. on a Saturday.....it's an indicator that maybe I need a little thing called a psych evaluation. I suppose once again this is why my blog is entitled Random Thoughts of a Restless Mind. This is an example of how random and restless as my mind really gets.

So back to Monica, the focus of this little story.

She was twenty-two, twenty-three years old. A college graduate, came from a good family, hell she attended school at the John Thomas Dye School in Bel-Air where Tori Spelling was her classmate. She goes to Washington D.C. for an internship that turns into a paying position in November of 1995. That same year she begins a relationship with the President of the United States. Talk about a resume.

I try to imagine how it all began, her bending over doing some filing, ole Bill noticing her for the first time...asking one of his aids who the new brunette is. Passing her in a hallway giving her that wickedly-appealing smile that has intent sewn through it's very core. Now I'm not going to say that Bill Clinton was a shitty President, I will not tackle his politics in anyway..but his character...boy, he's not too far off from many men who are out there and who act just like him. Men with power, men with money, men who cheat on their wives....I know men of this stature, and they all behave in the same manipulative yet confident manner. When you first meet men like this, they appear charming....devilishly handsome and you become intoxicated by their attention for you. I mean, can you imagine how Monica must have felt that first day she realized that the most powerful man in the free world was attracted to her? She probably went home, sat on her bed and said to herself.....

The fucking President of the United States was hitting on me today!

Now, I will say that as a woman, even us with the most level heads and rigid moral guidelines can easily become swept up in a moment or a situation of this kind of magnitude. However, Monica specifically....well her actions in the investigation that followed were underhanded and of poor moral character....lots of women have affairs with married men, lots of them lie about it....but when your having "Sexual Relations" with the President of the United States I'm thinking it's best to just come clean when the attention of the entire country is brought down on you....not come clean with people like Linda Tripp...who you obviously can't trust and other random people...but then lie to the media and everyone else. First rule of lying...either lie to EVERYONE, or lie to NO ONE! When only you know the truth, you control the outcome.

It's been over ten years since the "Lewinsky Sex Scandal" hit our televisions and newspapers. Monica has gone on to get her Master's Degree in Social Psychology. Bill's still with Hilary and might be in the running for another stay at the White House, this time as the loving and adoring husband to the first female President in the history of the United States. They all survived. They are all still out there, still doing what it is that they do...but their dirty laundry will forever remain a part of American History. I cannot imagine anything that I could do in my own life to change the History of our Country. We all want to be remembered for something....I guess we just need to be careful what it is that we ARE remembered for.

I Don't Feel Good....

You can be quite certain that you are under the weather when the girl at speedway who sells you your Marlboro Ultra-Lights looks at you from another planet when you come rolling in at 11:45 p.m. on one of the hottest days so far this year, wearing a sweater.

She looks at me and says: "You do realize it's like a million degrees outside right?!"

I look at her through my dry and irritated eyes and say..."Yeah, why?"

She says: "Um because you are wearing a sweater!"

I look down at my attire, exhausted and wanting to lay down right there on the grimy tile floor...smile at her and say...."I just woke up....you'll have to excuse me just this once.....hard pack of Marlboro Ultra-lights please"

She says: "I.D. Please"

Almost 30 still getting carded....must have been the sweater and ponytail that threw her off.

Anyway....It's Day two of not feeling well.....I'm sick, and going back to bed.

Night!

~hl~

Opportunity....came a knockin....

Knock Knock...!

Who's There.....?

Opportuntity....!

Opportunity who.....?

Opportunity of the most exciting kind!

Can you come back later....now's not a good time.

Yesterday Steph sends me a myspace message....tells me she needs to talk to me about something that "could possibly change my life!" And I was like...well, what is this question, just e-mail me your question. She tells me that she can't, only in person! I'm left wondering all afternoon what on earth this could be about.

I fantasized about the most fantastic to the most trivial kinds of life changes....fame, fortune, moving, changing jobs, lost loves resurfacing...or new ones on the horizon....you know...all those things that could potentially "change your life"....

Finally, once back at my apartment, Steph waiting for me upon my arrival, we got down to the business of possible life changing conversation.

She had a proposal for me....a job offer. One that would quite possibly change where I am, where I'm going...and how I get there. See last fall, Steph and her Father started their own property management company. Buying/Selling Real Estate, rentals, flipping houses for resale...etc. Anyway, they started off small and their little company has been flurishing over the winter months. Now with a little time and experience on their side, they are ready to up the stakes. They are going to expand, and take on a rather large quantity of new properties. This is where I come in. They want to hire me to manage their properties, create and maintain a company website....meet with realitors in purchasing new properties, contracting property maintenance, handle evictions, screen new tenants, process rent and get certified with MET housing. Pretty much, run the day-to-day operations of their company. I'd get to work with Steph...have a flexible schedule.....they offered me more money than I currently make...it's quite the offering.

BUT That's just ONE of the current opportunities at hand...

The other one....well, this one isn't a career opportunity..this one is a little more of a personal nature. It's a possibility of allowing a certain someone into my life. He inspired my last post about age being just a number. He's handsome, he's nice...he's intelligent and easy to be with....uncomplicated and soulful...all good things right?! This poor guy has asked me out on a weekly basis for months now....and I've kept my distance from him.....frustrating him to no end I'm sure...yet he didn't give up, he kept asking....so finally....FINALLY, I agreed to see him... Last weekend I went and met with him...a brief visit, but initial visit nonetheless. Normally awkward and strange...it really wasn't too bad...and I was like..."this guy's not so bad..!" So here I am on the verge of dating....how scary is that?!! You know what the best part is...? It's that I'm NOT really THAT afraid...I'm starting to look forward to the experience. As long as I remind myself when I start feeling frightened that I'm not obligated by law to continue seeing someone...it really takes the pressure off. If I start to feel uninterested...I can get out, if they start treating me like shit....I have every right to say, I don't care to see you anymore. Apparently due to my irrational marriage patterns, most recently demonstrated when, after six weeks, I married a guy by the name of Keith in 2000, I have some phobia's about getting involved with people....but they are proving to be less of a hang-up than they used to be.

Anyway...so there you have it folks....a job opportunity, a dating opportunity....what a week so far!

Now....what to do, what to do....Anybody know anything about property management? Or dating for that matter?

~hl~

Is Age Really Just a Number?

My very first crush occurred when I was twelve years old. I was twelve, he was 24. I thought I was going to grow up and marry this man. His name was Rowdy Malchow...and he was everything in the world to me....and more. Now at age twelve, what does one really know about love anyway? Mostly we just get a feeling, a feeling like non other we've ever experienced. We are happy and giddy, swoony and confused as to what it all means. At twelve...our mothers still remind us to brush our teeth....how could we possibly know about the mysteries of love?!

So I guess you could say I've been attracted to the older man from the start. I have never dated someone younger than myself...not even once.

Recently...something has come up that has me thinking....could I date a younger man? Well, first let me say I don't even know if I can do the whole dating thing...but lets assume I get over that hurdle...and am on to my next...could I do it, could I date a guy who's younger than me?

See the great thing about older men is their experience. For the most part, the older man has a certain amount of wisdom us young girls have yet to ascertain for ourselves. They've been there and done it and are always willing to show us and take us to the places we've never been. It's a great dynamic really, the younger girl/older guy combination....because it gives a guy a bit of an edge with a woman...well with me anyways.

So, when I think of younger guys, I worry about maturity, life experience, different short-term goals....well for that matter different lifestyles all together. I can't go back to the days of bar hopping and keg parties. I can't go back to shacking up with a guy who sleeps on a futon....in his parent's basement....not saying all younger guys are....but these seem to be my pre-determined ideas of the younger man....and I know it's wrong to assume they are like this, but it's a tough habit to break. Maybe younger is worth checking out....maybe, who knows right?!

What about you ladies...would younger guys pose a problem for you?

Ask and Ye Shall Receive: Receive Rain that is

Well, I hope ya'll are happy....you wanted rain...and now you've got it!

I'm going to get drenched tonight at the football game...couldn't you have wished for a nice rainy SUNDAY afternoon??!!

Were I Grew Up:

This morning..I drug myself from bed and made myself drive my rent check out to my Landlord since I forgot to send it out to him two days ago. I wanted to get up and do it early so as to beat the mailman there so that way I could just toss it in his mailbox and get out of there without anyone seeing me....as I was not wearing makeup, had not brushed my teeth or even put a bra on....I was going seriously trying to remain under the radar.

My Landlord just so happens to live about two minutes from where I lived most of my young life, on Mericle Road. Not a lot of miracles occur there....but it WAS a miracle any of us survived our childhoods! {Brooke & Ang, you guys know what I'm talking about!}

I stopped my car on the road just in front of the house I lived in growing up and I looked at how dilapidated it had become. The front porch literally ripped off, patched up with particle board, yard overgrown, windows dark....and it felt very ominous to me.

See my father still owns the place..when we moved out, because he built us a new house, this one, well it just kind of got left behind. Never mind the smurf wallpaper and rainbow colored shag carpet in my old bedroom, never mind the orange curtains from the 1970's that hung so decoratively in the Kitchen....the place was abandoned, and now is most likely inhabited by wildlife and ghosts of my family's past.

I remember when I found out we were leaving....I was insistent that I was NOT MOVING!! I would continue to live there all by myself. I must have only been a 7th grader at the time, but I was serious....I wasn't going to pack a single belonging, because I was STAYING RIGHT HERE!!! I cried and cried when we left. I hated my new pink bedroom I was forced to share with Brooke, I hated our built in bunk beds and the fact my parents slept just across the hall. I hated not having any doors on our rooms, only curtains...and I hated being ripped from the one place I had been happy.

When I first hooked up with Keith...I wanted to buy the old place and fix it up.....I tried everything I could to make it happen, however, because of bullshit pertaining to my "old man"...negotiations were impossible, my folks were apparently about to split up....and I was left wishing there was something I could do to restore her to her 1970's glory....but it was too late. She was just too far gone.

Someday, they'll bulldoze it over, and gone will be all the wonderful memories I made there....and just like the memory of what it was like to have my family all together instead of estranged as it is now....it'll begin to fade away, as if it never existed.

Thank God for the ability to make new memories....