Jobs, Decisions and Leaving...

It's going to storm outside.....Aretha Franklin is singing her lungs out demanding respect and I'm sitting here in a pair of shorts, Kid Rock T-shirt and flip flops...with my hair a mess....but my laundry is done...and that is worth...well...at least a pat on the back from myself...I at least accomplished something today.

Today at work I was talking to my Co-worker Kelly about how terrible I am at decision making. Sure I can tell you what movie I want to watch....I have even been known to know what restaurant I want to go to, but when it comes to the big things....should I stay or should I go, Do I want to get involved past this point, can I love him....these sorts of questions, the ones with infinite consequences...they wreck me.

Something else that has me a little worried is my job. A lot has been happening around the office with Greg leaving and me going from two full time bosses and one 1/2 time boss, to one full time boss and one 1/2 timer. I've worried about being temporarily laid off for weeks now since they told me the news of splitting up the partnership. Deciding to leave my cozy job of eight years at the Architect's office to go to my Paralegal job was literally one of the hardest decisions I've ever made....I lost sleep, I couldn't concentrate....I was so worried about making the wrong choice and regretting it, and when it's done, it's done and there's no going back. Job's are like that....relationships are like that.....life is like that. Second chances are hard to come by.

After taking the Myers & Briggs test I realized that maybe I'm not cut out for being a Paralegal. Sure I'm quite capable of doing the job. I might even excel at it if challenged by it. When writing lengthy legal briefs, drafting motions etc. in college, I scored in the top percentage of my class..I excelled. However, it was pointed out to me last night, that maybe I excelled because I am a good student as opposed to really liking the actual work of being a Paralegal. I hadn't thought of that. One thing that I think defines my personality is creativity....there's not a whole like of creativity going on at a Law Office...unless you are the lawyer crafting up some argument that will surely win over a jury or judge. I guess I'm a thinker more so than a doer. I'm a dreamer....but I'm not an achiever unless pushed or encouraged. It's no wonder I can't make up my damn mind about things....I'd rather think about them....thinking is safe....but super frustrating. I think that's why I write...I write down what I think, that way I feel like I DID something with my idea. I didn't JUST think about it, I thought about it AND wrote about it...however..that's as far as I get most days. Too bad they don't pay me for writing shit down, now there's a job I could get on board with! *smiles*

Want to hear something crazy? I've been feeling really brave lately. I've looked at jobs in Lexington, Covington, Cincy, Dayton, Ft. Wayne.....I've looked at apartments online....and the more I look, the braver I get. It helps too that every time I go to Dayton to see Brooke, three people tell me I should move down there...hell, Brooke's friend Oliver is looking for something for me at Lexis Nexis in Dayton as we speak. Amber and her friends have been trying to get me down to Kentucky/Cincinnati area ever since I moved out last fall. Angie wants me to move to Wisconsin....Alex and I briefly discussed Louisville. My possibilities are endless....and as the days roll on....I'm less and less afraid. Who knows, maybe someday, I'll just do it! Goodbye Delphos and hello whatever is to come. Now, let's just wait and see....will she stay, or will she go...nobody really knows...not even me.

The undeniable power of Confidence:

They say that good attorneys never ask a question on the stand that they don't already know the answer to. Wouldn't it be great if that were the case in life. To have that kind of premeditated certainty of outcome? Of course it would make life quite boring always knowing the answer to every question, but it sure would take the guesswork out of relationships wouldn't it?

There would no longer be any fear of whispering I love you to someone only to have them say horrid things like "Thank you" or "That's nice of you to say" or the dreaded "you love me? Um, I've got to go, call you tomorrow!"...because you would already know they loved you too before the words would escape your lips.

You would no longer stare out your window and wonder "what if?" I could stop asking my magic 8 ball for answers it can't possibly knowingly produce and I no longer would wake up at night feeling as if there were things I should have said when I had the chance....because when you know how someone will take something, you don't have to be afraid to say it. For someone who's so open about my feelings, it has become overwhelming clear how many times in this life I've bit my tongue. I've waited for the time to be right for so long, that I've let the time slip away from me.

The antidote for fear is confidence....I guess maybe the reason Lawyers are good at what they do lies in the fact that they are confident of the answer they will receive. Maybe it's time to reconsider going to Law School....I think they teach you that shit there! :)

Tough As Nails:

So one thing that was discussed this weekend was the idea that women have to be tough these days. To be honest, I pretend to be all hard-core and independent all the time. Granted, I really can take care of myself, I'm perfectly capable of making it through life without HAVING to ask much of others.....but ya'll know that on the exterior I put off this facade that I'm perfectly fine and dandy being that way...but really, let's be honest....as a women, it's really nice to be taken care of. Not financially....although that's nice too, but just to have that person around who helps you...lends a hand when you need one...a guy who snuggles up to you when you are in bed in the middle of the night. Deep down, I think all women like the idea that there's a man out there who's there to take care of things if need be.

I've met a lot of guys who say that they love the fact that I'm independent....low maintenance....capable. However....then why is it that these same men who say they like this about me, are the same men who date high maintenance, bitchy, demanding, overly-emotional, whiny, but beautiful girls who for the most part....are only pretty to look at when they keep their mouths shut! I think a lot of men say they want a independent women, but when they get one, they don't really know what to do with her...they begin to feel unneeded, as if the very essence of the relationship is unnatural. I know when I was with Keith...he thought I was so capable of taking care of things myself...he pretty much just left me to it. I think that's why he didn't ever think it was important to come home....he thought I didn't need him. I did though. I needed him just to be there.....not because I necessarily needed it, but I wanted him there.

Being single, a women has to learn to do those things that a man in her life would do for her. We do it because we have to, there's nobody else to do it for us! We have to carry on as if life was going exactly as we planned...even though...maybe it's not. But we don't want the appearance of being weak, so we step it up and do what's necessary. I myself, however, I don't want to be single forever. I want to find a man who's strong enough to take care of me when I need it and am too bullheaded to admit it...someone who's not intimidated by my previous experience of being independent and self sufficient...someone who knows I can do it myself...but wants to do "it" for me. It always comes down to the "want"....

I think it's important to take care of ourselves....but it's also important to let down our defenses and let the world see that we aren't "tough as nails" all the time. We have feelings...and we need to not always be afraid to share them, we have dreams...that we shouldn't be afraid to ask for help in order to achieve...we have desires that we shouldn't be ashamed to have met. We are women....and what's great about being a women is that we are capable of so many things...but under our hard exteriors, when the business suites, high heels or maybe work boots come off at the end of the day.....we are mostly soft, warm and loving creatures....worthy of being loved.

Memorial Day Weekend:

I returned today from yet another eventful trip to Dayton and my downstairs neighbors upon seeing me said "We were about to put out an all points missing person bulletin for you!" I was touched....they don't even know me and yet, they are keeping an eye out for me. I thought it was really nice.

Whew...I'm exhausted, just got back from my nightly walk about town....and that, on top of all the activities of this weekend...I'm beat.

I left Friday night and got to Dayton around 8:00 p.m. Brooke and I decided not to go to the Karaoke bar with Jackie and her friends so we stayed home and watched Apocalypto instead. For anyone who hasn't seen it yet....DO! I don't care if you like Mel Gibson or not...if you hate reading subtitles or not...just watch it. It's a great movie.

Saturday morning it was up early for me....I can't sleep in until noon like Brooke does....I get restless around nine and have to go play on the Internet or something until she awakes. Once I finally did get her out of bed, we headed to Caesar's Creek (aka the beach as I like to call it). The weather was fantastic, sunny and breezy. The water was a bit cold so I didn't go in past my thighs...well except when Brooke's umbrella blew away and I had to run into the water, going as far as the butt cheeks deep to get it. Man, it was slightly chilly...but refreshing....well and comical I suppose because our beach mates all were laughing at me and my sprint to save my sister's umbrella. The weird redheaded guy one beach towel over was a little too impressed with my athletic ability....he gave me a thumbs up and an eyebrow raise upon my return. Creepy!

Saturday night...once back in town and showered, my sister and I threw ourselves a cookout. I invited my only other friend in Dayton, Finn, and Brooke invited her pals Dana and Oliver. My sister's roommate Mary invited her boyfriend and his friends and the night was a bit of a hit. Lots of food, corn hole was played and may fruity drinks consumed. Brooke even played a drinking game...can you believe that, my adorable little sister playing a drinking game. It's all Finn's fault..he's a bad influence!

Sunday it was off for Chinese food at Brooke & I's favorite little hole in the wall place followed by going to the dollar store to buy sunglasses since I had misplaced mine. We tried on silly hats...and the glasses mustache combo you see below..and had a really fun afternoon taking some pictures...going for a little drive downtown....basically doing pretty much nothing at all. Later we went to the Danberry Cinema and watched "A perfect Stranger". I wanted to go putt-putt golfing....but I settled for a movie instead. Inside the theatre I met a really nice lady who met her boyfriend (who was out getting snacks) on Match.com. Which was really funny considering one of the lines from the movie had Hallie Berry saying to Bruce Willis that she was thinking of joining Match.com. Brooke and I had a little giggle over that one. I wanted to turn around and see if they were laughing too.

Now back home, I'm happy to be here. I can't wait to crawl into MY OWN bed, under my clean sheets, and wake up tomorrow to begin my four-day work week!

After the last few days..I realized something....I'm in a really good place right now. I'm happy, I'm healthy and I'm getting closer and closer to putting the past behind me....maybe once and for all.

A lot of people say my sister and I look a lot alike....honestly...I just don't see the resemblance.

Myers & Briggs Personality Test:

Yesterday my sister was hounding me about taking some personality test she took the first year she was in college. She was curious if she and I would test the same. So finally tonight, I broke down, went online and took the test. It was interesting and didn't take too much time to complete and now that I've done the test, researched my results and did a little background research on the test itself, I found it to be interesting.

Knowing your personality traits is beneficial in your career path as well as your relationship patterns. If you haven't taken the test and would like to...here's a link that should put you on top of it.

http://www.kisa.ca/personality/

Anyway...I'm curious to know what your results are....I am a ENFP. If you take it, write me a comment letting me know what you are.....I want to know a little more detail about my online friends. :)

My Results:

E - 57%

N - 86%

F - 90%

P - 68%

End of the Day...

On days like today, it's good to be a single lady. Come home, eat some cottage cheese right out of the container...kick my feet up and watch an episode of Sex and the City in my newly air conditioned apartment. Later, go the the "Y"....do a little swimming...come home refreshed

Tomorrow, I'm going to go to work....pass the hours away and head off to Dayton for the weekend. I'm going to lay on the beach.....I'm going to spend hours talking into the morning hours with my sister....I'm going to eat pizza.....take pictures and come home exhausted and glad to have gotten away.

How's that for being carefree and single? Of course this is the view of a girl having a very optimistic outlook today!

Happy Thursday!

~hl~

Look What I did!!!

First rule of Air conditioning installation...

#1 - Do not attempt to install an air conditioner alone. Get someone to assist you. Installing alone can result in injury to yourself or someone else.

My question to you is....if I'm alone, how can I injure someone else?

Anyway...who needs directions! I got out my Phillips screwdriver, scissors, pliers and reading glasses and began to assemble. Well first I spent twenty minutes wearing my gardening gloves trying to get the damn thing out of the box...finally, exhausted and wanting a cigarette, I accomplished phase one...box removal.

Once on the floor, tools in hand, I began to realize that it's really fucking hot in my apartment....nothing like a little pressure and humidity to irritate you...this on top of a cigarette craving...to say the least...I was starting to feel the heat in more ways than one.

By the time Steph arrived, I had the thing in the window and on...but nowhere near any kind of resolution on how I would make it stay there. She looked at me with my hair all frazzled, face slightly pink and looking exhausted so she took pity and decided to help me.

Now....it's in the window, screwed in and being held up in the back (outside) by three DVD cases on both sides of the base. Hey, I'm a girl, it's not like I have 2 x 4's laying around here...it was that or books from my book collection...and you are crazy if you think I'm putting "Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea" or H.G. Wells' "The Outline of History" out on a ledge...No way Jose! NEVER!

So anyway...tomorrow I may come home from work only to find DVD cases strewn across the roof and my air conditioner planted in the back yard...but hey.....I gave it a try...and well....I think an "A" for effort is deserved.

This is just how us single gals do things.....on our own.

Once done....my apartment beginning to cool, I stepped out on the landing into the summer-like heat to have a cigarette....completely defeating the purpose of all of the struggle I just endured. Life is strange....and so am I.

Summer Vacation:

Earlier today I was whining about not being able to live in the moment....in the "now"....but what if your now is just kind of blah and you find yourself needing a little something to look forward to?

It occured to me recently that the only thing i have to look forward to this summer, the only thing I have planned....is a pap smear in June. June 13th to be exact.

I've got to call my travel agent! A trip to the stirrups, being slathered up with KY Jelly and having a guy say "just try and relax" is not exactly the hottest summer destination I'm thinking!

Highs and Lows...

Life is full of them. Three days ago....I was on top of the world...today....my feet back from their vacation on cloud 9.

I'm not complaining...it's the grounded days that allow you to appreciate those days when life throws you the best it has to offer....something I recently experienced. Smiling...still.

My problem today is...when is being optimistic equal to setting yourself up for disappointment? I'm a hopeful person...even when things look one way...in the back of my mind, I always leave a sliver of a chance that maybe it could turn out another way.... Is this delusional of me?
Someone once told me that in order to have good things happen to you, you have to believe that they can...I want to believe that. I want to believe that it is possible for lady luck to shine favorable upon me.

Since we are listing wants...here's a few more...I want to be okay with today...and not always be wishing it away in hopes of tomorrow, I want to find appreciation in what is offered to me...and learn to accept things as they are...and I want to learn to stop second guessing myself....it's a big wish list for a Tuesday....but...what the heck....I'm letting it flow today.

Reality can really be harsh sometimes.....but what is reality...reality is perception...one person's reality doesn't necessarily have to be yours...does it?

What a grrreat weekend. The weather was nice, the company superb and it's Sunday, my stomach is full, my body exhausted....and I've got the rest of the night to be lazy. Some weekends can do you a world of good.....this one having done that for me.

Hope all of you fared as well.

~hl~

It's Rough....but I haven't written for awhile...

I’m about to give you what you thought you wanted
As well as what you really want

You want to be free of me
But you want it out of fear of me

For deep down you know that I’ve love you before we met
I love you wholly and without restraint
I loved you when I told you I can’t

There wasn’t anything that could hinder my search
For I was a bird and you my perch

Before I laid eyes on you or heard your voice
I loved you
I always suspected the road would lead me to you

Before you touched me or charmed me I knew
That I couldn’t stop it, it was meant to be
I’ve never been able to avoid that which they call destiny

Now you have lost a part of you, a part you didn’t know you had
For you didn’t know you could lose what you never owned, But alas you have.

A couple things....

If you walked into my apartment at this very moment, 1:00 am Friday morning (don't ask why I'm still up) you will see what appears like a pantie and bra convention taking place on my couch. And Yes...they are clean!!

And another thing....I was thinking tonight....remember that white crap people used to put on their Reebok's or pumas....it was like white out for your shoes....do people still use that shit? I remember that stuff....white bottle, black label, little sponge on top...and the smell...man that takes me back to 1989. Anyway...just wondered if it died out with the super cool shoes of the past.

Lastly...nothing makes you feel less like 29 and more like twelve is when your mother stops at your apartment when you are a work and makes your bed and puts food in your refrigerator. She didn't do that for me when I WAS twelve. Seriously....I'm going through adolescence all over again. Hope I don't break out with acne, go up a bra size and start making out with dudes in the back seat of an Oldsmobile...wait, on second thought, making out in a car sounds kind of hot right now....steamy windows....police lights coming up behind you....shit...brings back such fond memories from my youth! On that note...I'd like to give a shout out to my freshman year boyfriend Max...who I wouldn't go all the way with but sure did torture with hour long make out sessions! Thanks for the good times..and sorry about the pain I must have caused you!!

Night Night!

~hl~

Holy freaking crap....look at my new site layout....just so everyone knows...my site is maintained and designed by my good friend Alex...who not only redesigned my page today, but used one of my very own photo's to design the header.....

She's great isn't she....

Let's hear it for Alex...hip-hip-horray....hip-hip-horray!

Talented, pretty, Italian...triple threat kind of gal....and to think....not much longer and she'll be an Italian-American!

*thanks again Alex...the page really does look great!*

Night Walking Adventures:

Last night when I was out wandering around the town....I was about two blocks from my place....my flip flops were clicking, I was cruising at a decent pace...the wind was blowing and my eyes were watery...naturally I didn't wear my glasses...because at night you can't see anything clearly anyway....but I think next time I should wear them...that way I'd notice when big white German Shepherds come running in my direction. While on this particular jaunt I didn't see it coming until a middle aged guy wrapped up like a sausage in his bathrobe came sprinting across the lawn yelling at his big toothed furry-faced companion.

I stopped walking as "Angelica" approached me. I thought to myself, don't freak out, her name's Angelica, surely a dog named Angelica wouldn't tear out my jugular and then chomp down my my limbs. I felt my heart race...and you know what they say...dogs can smell fear....judging my the look on her face, I think she was a good judge of character. She smelled my shins, the backside of my knees and then she peered up at me and stared me right in the eye....I wasn't sure if she was going to take a bite out of my calf, or if she would jump up and lick me. So I just stayed motionless and kept locked into her stare. In the animal kingdom, sometimes a good stare-0ff is the difference between getting your flesh ripped off and losing your territory...and keeping your flesh and your brood of females. I'm a animal person by nature, and I normally wouldn't have reacted this way, but when I was three or four I was nearly killed by my neighbor's German Shepherd....so naturally, at the sight of them, I go into fight or flight mode instantaneously.

Finally my blue bath robe clad dog owner reached the far corner of his yard and grabbed a hold of his Angelica and began to drag her across the yard. He apologized and I thanked him for elevating my heart rate to a new high. He laughed nervously as if I was pissed at him....or maybe it was because he was self conscious about his attire...either way, he nervously scurried back to his door and slipped inside before I could say another word.

My first run in with a living thing while on my nighttime escapades...and I survived.

I think I'm really going to start liking this new routine.

New Habits

You all are aware of the fact that from time to time I suffer from insomnia...so in an effort to clear my head and wear myself out so I can sleep, I've taken up the habit of going night walking. Plus my little sister expressed her fear of me becoming addicted to sleeping pills...so I thought I better try something new.

I just got back. You know, cities are amazing places when it appears that you are the only one inhabiting it. It's strange to hear your flip flops clicking along, and they sound like they are amplified. Step on some gravel and they appear to be as loud as a marching band cruising through the neighborhood.

Stop lights make a ticking sound when they switch from green to yellow to red....you can hear it as you stand in the intersection below it.

Tonight I walked, block after block and didn't see anyone. I don't know why, but tonight I just had this nagging feeling that I should walk to the church I got married in, like I needed to stand there and look at the place where I vowed forever to someone....a promise I apparently couldn't keep. Once there, I stood in front of those big doors and stared for a long time, first at the doors I walked out of as a married woman, and then at the steeple and the bell that tolled so many times in my memory. My parents got married in that same church....and I followed in their footsteps in divorce. I don't think i want to go back there again....I must have gotten it out of my system...whatever "it" was.

On the way back, I sat for awhile in the memorial park....the POW and American Flag flapping in the breeze....the monument of a veteran peering down at me. It's very bright there at night...almost seemingly daylight.

My last stop was the Erie Canal...for those of you who don't know, the Miami-Erie Canal runs through my town, those of you who studied Ohio History will remember the stories of trudging through the black swamp and how the canal systems were used as a great means of transit in our early years of settlement. I sat for awhile near a waterfall at one of the damns and smoked a cigarette. It was peaceful....the smell of Chinese food filled the air from a nearby dumpster behind Pete's Restaurant. Kind of made me hungry to be honest.

Now back home, my feet feel satisfied, my shoulders hurt from my stupidity of yesterday and my insides are nervous for my impending week ahead. At least now, I've walked, I've written and my mind is clear....my conscious is another story...Suppose I'll pray tonight as well....I find it best to cover all my bases.

Goodnight!

~hl~

Because the Sign Says So:

If a human can fail, and humans love.....can't human's fail at love?

How does love prevail, if the human who loves fails?

OUCH!

So today I did it, I purchased my very first window air conditioner! Yeah me!

However, I had no idea that getting it up my stairs all by myself was going to be the ordeal that it turned out to be. Holy crap....

Girl vs. Gravity/Stairs....

I won the battle....but my back may have lost the war.

Growing up in the Midwest in the 80's and 90's was a unique experience...it was. There are so many things that can be forever associated with this era. Reagan was in the White House, our biggest problems consisted of things like the war on inflation...it was a time of innocence in a lot of respects. Songs like MC Hammer's "Can't touch this" were all the rage and the only punks you knew were the Beastie Boys. Kids could set out on their bikes and be gone until dark, seat belts were optional....it was just a different time.

Tonight, I was on my way home from dropping Steph off back at her place and as I trekked the six miles back to my house, I drove with the windows down. It occurred to me that I hadn't felt the wind on my face like that in such a long time. I was wearing only my pink pajama bottoms (shorts) and a matching pink T-shirt and the cool night air encompassed me. Refreshing my skin and in a sense, giving me a feeling of renewal. Life can get stagnant sometimes. It reminded me of being a kid.....My dad used to always let us ride in the bed of his pick-up truck around the neighborhood...back then not only did we not have to wear seat belts, hell we didn't even have to ride INSIDE the vehicle. We used to stand up with our arms stretched out, very "Kate-and-Leo-ish" and let the wind rush past us, whip our wild hair all around and taste the feeling of speed. The corn grew tall, the lightning bugs were everywhere and summers seemed endless.

I think back on the girl I used to be....so headstrong, so hopeful and defiant all at the same time. I never knew what it was exactly I would do, or who I would become, but I knew who I was and I knew that I wasn't going settle....that life was full of so many ways to live....and I was going to try everything....of course, everything within reason.....I mean, I did have SOME morals and code of ethics....I still do.

The road to self discovery...it's a bumpy one....there have been times when i looked into the mirror and I didn't have a clue who it was that was staring back at me...and then, there are others....when I find my reflection smiling back at me....and sometimes I see that spark....the one I had when I was just a little redheaded kid from Woods and Waters. She's still in there somewhere....I can feel it.

Caught up in the Moment:

Today I've been thinking a lot about how easy it is to worry about things that five years from now I won't even remember. I worry about things that I have no control over and I worry about things that require no amount of worry at all.

Today my friend "D" wrote me a e-mail and spoke to me about "love", "rejection" and "honesty".....and it was like one of the best emails I've ever received in my life. I'd like to include some of it here if I might...

It's so apparent that we humans dislike being "rejected". I do, you do, everyone I know does, everyone you know does. "Rejection" is a strong word and we use it when we're feeling down on ourselves, but in truth we're never really totally rejected in life by anyone (unless we really screw up and mistreat another person; and one can argue that in that case we deserve it).

When we ponder a situation that involved "rejection", we can see that what really happened is that we didn't satisfy another person's preferences. That's all. So? Big deal! Look at all the folks out there who don't satisfy OUR preferences. That doesn't mean we're "rejecting" them or feel they're worthless, right? It's merely about preferences. Would we feel rejected if a friend didn't like the flavor of ice
cream we preferred? Of course not. But being "rejected" in "love" (I'm putting
quotes around that word as well because it's such an ill-defined word which
causes so much confusion) is hardly different. If we think of ourselves as a
flavor of ice cream that others may not prefer as much as another
flavor, we can begin to feel that "rejection" really isn't that strong at all.
It can be a very innocuous thing.

So rejection isn't really rejection....it's not the end of the world, it's just as simple as not meeting someone's preference. I can handle that.

He goes on to say:

Telling someone we love them puts us in a very vulnerable position and ... ready? ... sets us up for possible "rejection" if the other person doesn't immediately reciprocate. There's that "rejection" thing again! So we tend to keep our mouths shut. It becomes a game of chicken. Who goes first?

But what is "love" anyway? Love isn't a well-defined phenomenon. It's not like the freezing point of water which can be measured. It's 33 F outside. It's not yet at the freezing point. Now it's 32 F. It's at the freezing point. Now it's 31 F. It's below the freezing point.

But love? Try measuring love with that kind of precision.

We bring our heads into an arena where the heart should be in control. We ask ourselves questions. Am I in love? It sort of feels like I may be, but something is
missing. Perhaps I'm not. Maybe I am. Let me toss it around in my HEAD some more. And it goes on and on and on. The mind gets in the way of the heart, dealing with an ill-defined concept. No wonder we get so confused.

But look what happens when we rephrase the question to "Am I very fond of this person?" or "Am I feeling lots of affection for this person?" or "Do I really enjoy spending time with this person?"

These questions are so much easier to answer. And if the answer to those questions is YES, than what does it matter whether or not we're in this ill-defined state of "love"? Isn't it good enough to feel very fond of and have lots of affection for someone? Hinging it all on some ill-defined concept of "love" is just too confusing.

He makes it all make sense doesn't he?! I swear I learned more from this e-mail than I did from my four visits to a therapist last year. What is it about guys, they have such a gift at putting things in their simplest forms...I think that's why guys are good at fractions too. Just a theory.

I came to a realization this week. When I first split up from Keith, I was scared that I'd never find myself in another relationship.....but as it turns out, I'm not scared I'll never find one, I'm scared that I will. I'm afraid of failing....I'm afraid of fucking up yet another one. I'm afraid of the idea of allowing someone into my life, only to have them ripped out a year or so later. I'm AFRAID OF FALLING IN LOVE. There are parts of me that yearn for it, that miss it....but I've discovered that I may not be as open as I like to think I am. I may be guarded in some respects....and the events of last year have opened me up publicly to many of you, but have also made me doubt myself in the relationship department. Do you know every guy that has asked me out in the last year, I've come up with some lame excuse why not to go out with them. This one's got blond hair, I don't like blonds. That one is too young....he dresses too nice...of course there were a few I didn't need a lame excuse for....that one's married, that one's on drugs...he's got seven kids with seven mothers....I mean, those ones were just off the list from the get go.....but the others...they were good men, honest, nice, worth a try....but nope....I wasn't having it.

This weekend I went on a date. Yep, a semi-official date. I had to MAKE myself do it, and it was weird at first, but after a little while....I realized...the food was good, the company was nice and I was moving forward...even if it was just a little step...it was still one in the right direction.

I'm doing it people....I'm taking a step outside my comfort zone....I'm shaky...but...damnit, I'm doing it. Like my friend "D" said....

Don't feel bad about having some fun, Sweetie. It's been a while. You're not betraying anyone. When your mind starts getting in the way, by thinking and analyzing and overanalyzing, just ignore the thoughts and enjoy the fun.

Here goes...going to try to "just" have some fun.

A Night of Comedy:

Tonight I went to the new comedy club in Lima, Just Jokin Comedy Cafe. Grrreat place...all new, has that new car/club smell mixed with fried food...Linda and I ordered the cheese sticks...mine were diet, apparently the cook fried all the cheese out of mine because all of them were hollow....of course Linda's were perfect...Bitch! *winks* Lindsay brought me new ones and threw in some fries just to be a sweetheart.

On tonight's bill was Costaki Economopoulos aka "the biggest name in comedy" (http://www.costaki.com/). The night opened up with Mr. Bobbit from Detriot, MC Extraordinaire....he was really funny...and no offense to any MC's out there, but I've seen some that weren't that good, Linda said the last time she went to the club, the MC was reading off of index cards. One of his jokes went like this

While I was driving down here today, I drove through Defiance, Ohio....man those
guys were a bunch of rebels.

Now, if you are a thinker, you'll figure it out as to why that's amusing...DEFIANCE means to rebel...okay, now you're with me....but Linda said like two people laughed....and his act didn't get much better as it went on. Sympathy laughs ensued. Now our MC...he wasn't reading any index cards, he was entertaining, animated and sexually harassed the audience which is sure to get a laugh...especially in Lima. After all, the biggest way to pick up chicks in Lima is just harass them until the just fucking give up and agree to give you their phone number. It's the ole Swarm and Harass technique...not real popular in the 80's....but I've noticed it making a comeback here recently. The cool thing about this technique is...you can always give em' the wrong phone number...that's the loophole...for any interested parties.

The second act was a young fella by the name of Jerdog (http://www.jerdogcomedy.com/) He too was good, lots of pot jokes, a bit rougher material...which of course I don't seem to mind at all, I'm not exactly an angel by any means. He did a really funny bit about Amish people Road Rage that sticks out as especially funny....

Lastly, there was Mr. Economopoulos, he came to the stage, carrying a black satchel type back, dressed in casual Khaki pants, a long sleeved pullover black shirt with another shirt's bottom hanging out beneath it. Carrying a bottle of water, he pulled the chair up to the microphone, sat this bottle of water on it and took a look at what he had to work with. Casual, I'd describe his dress as that of his comedy...very laid back...it's as if he's just throwing some things out there at you....take em' leave em' it don't matter...at first, the crowd was like...um....this guy is different...and he is, he has a lot of observations, they are quick and he gives them to you quick...and if you aren't paying attention, you may not know why it's funny. So if you are stupid, drunk or hard of hearing...this may not be the performer for you. Costaki seems to be a big observationalist, pointing out what's funny/ironic with the world and the people in it...it was enjoyable and almost seemingly conversational.

One of my favorite parts of the show is when he announced that his significant other was Caroline Rhea (http://www.carolinerhea.com/). Who everyone knows is the cute blond funny aunt Hilda from Sabrina the Teenage Witch...what?!? You never watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Okay..surely you've heard of Hollywood Squares?....The Biggest Looser? Okay...look....I don't care what you think, I like her....anyway he went on to tell a story about how they sometimes get to work with each other. He said the gig was in NYC and she was already booked, they asked him to join the bill and he agreed without even knowing how much they'd pay him. At the end of the weekend, when he got paid he made like $300.00, she made $11,000.00. He says to her, baby, I know you are funnier than me, I know the people come to see YOU...and I'm okay with that....but damnit, you aren't 37 TIMES funnier than me! And granted...it's all in his delivery and whatnot, but it was a funny story.

So...all in all....great night of laughter...after the week I'd had...I really needed to laugh.

For more information on Mike Bobbit our MC..you can find him on myspace: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=13041762

Warning: The following is a RANT.....if you are in a good mood, avoid this post....you've been warned!

You know what sucks about television.....it's fucking fake....it never happens in real life....

Tonight, I was watching Grey's Anatomy....a show I normally enjoy....and instead of loving it as usual, I was like pissed. All I kept thinking was, like this shit ever really happens.

I'm in a funk...and I don't know how to get out of it today.

My day started off locking myself out of my apartment....while safely locking my keys to both the apartment and my car inside. I had to climb onto my roof, figure out a way to open the window, and then crawl in through the window in my good work attire without getting outdoor white paint all over my clothing.....for I was running late for work as it was. It's not how one would choose to start their day...but once at the office, I had my usual serving of cinnamon/brown sugar pop tarts and decided that I'd start my day there...never mind the events prior to. It's worked for awhile too....I was as happy as a lark. The office was basically mine....everyone was either in court, at the Dr., only Chad was in and he was busy boxing up files for my soon-to-be-ex-boss. I worked hard, got some things accomplished...and then I don't know what happened......the day shifted into this feeling like the day was slipping away, the work was piled on, the second hand ticking faster and before you know it, I'm running out the door to make it to the post office before 4:30 and sitting at a red light cursing it, when I then witnessed a car accident. Guess I wasn't the only one having a turn for the worse kind of day.

Television is supposed to be entertaining....it's supposed to be relaxing...or something. Instead it's a reminder that life is only as good as what a writer in L.A. or New York can imagine....and Oh, that life....um...it's never going to be yours.

Sexy Erotic elevator rides with hot doctors...um yeah right....I've been to my local hospital....you are lucky if you aren't crammed in like sardines with a bunch of people who continuously cough on you, accidentally step on the back of your heel peeling your shoe almost off or you are lucky enough to find yourself on board with some kid who "likes to push the buttons" and has you stopping at every single floor all the way to the maternity ward where they are headed to see their new brother or sister who in five years will be torturing another soul like myself with this same behavior.

A girl I used to know died today...she was 34 and died due to her drug addiction. First she was in a coma...Doctors reporting that she had killed 70% of her brain, and then....today.....she died. She had two young children....

How do we get to that point....how do we throw life and opportunity away...when it's right under our noses....we are so blinded by want, by need...and we just let it eat us up.

Negativity got the best of me, it was eating away at me all day....what's eating you?

Tales from the Laundromat #4

Tuesday night was laundry night....there was a rather sizable thunderstorm blowing through town. Lightning was unbelievable. Thunder shook the metal awning I stood under watching the storm...(yeah I know in a lightning storm, metal awnings aren't cool to stand under....yeah...I KNOW!)

Anyway, the power went out when I was there and I sat there with my fingers crossed that it'd come back on....because what the hell was I going to do with sopping wet clothes back at my place? Lucky for me i did, and the storm blew me another stroke of good fortune, it blew the arcade game guys into the mat. They both were in their mid to upper sixties, wearing work pants and button up shirts with suspenders...what a group of guys they were. It wasn't long before they incorporated me into their work order.

I don't know how they talked me into it...but there I was playing the X-men game and getting psyched about getting to level 2. I learned how to replace a broken joystick and also that owning machines in places that deal in quarters was a gold mine. Apparently I could be a millionaire if I would just apply myself and learn a few tricks of the trade.

Now I don't think I will be chucking my paralegal degree for a life of traveling, joystick replacing and quarter counting....but there are days...I've got to admit...it's tempting!

However....I CAN kick your ass at level one of the X-men game at the West Side Laundromat....next week, I've got my sights set on level 2...be there, I dare ya!! *winks*

~hl~