Monday, May 29, 2006

Maybe it's Just me.....


But lately I have been feeling that something has been set into motion and I'm not sure if it's good, or if it's bad, but I feel that evolution is imminent?

I have a feeling that something is about to happen. I don't know what exactly, but I feel it. Almost as if a strange chain of events has been set into play, and fate somehow has a hand in it.

Now I could be wrong, but I could be right, and how amazing would it be if I were......

Do you feel it too? I feel like sitting on my front porch and so I can see it coming, whatever "it" may be.

Friday, May 26, 2006

12 Years Believing A Lie......How Could I Be Anymore of A Fool?!?


Ever hear something about yourself that has you question everything you ever thought you knew about love?

Ever hear something come from the lips of someone you've kissed that makes you feel that everything you ever felt for that person wasn't what it seemed at all?

And finally, have you ever based your entire future happiness on the idea that you've had this one great love....only to find out that the only thing they have to say about you ten years later, isn't at all what someone who ever loved you would say?

Yesterday, everything I thought I knew.....went right out the window. Everything I thought I felt, now feels empty and everything I thought I believed in, tonight seems bleak. So much for that past......It' s time to just let that sh*t go.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

My Brother........M.I.A.


June is fastly approaching......only six more days and it'll be here. June is the month of my brother's birthday. He'll be 21 this year. Another year passes and yet he's still keeping his distance.

I hate that the little boy you see here, is becoming a man without his sisters to help him along the way. Everything a boy knows about women starts with his mother and sisters.

I miss him.

I saw him this morning driving by my house....he waved at least, I suppose that's something......

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Wildflower Season:



Someone brought me flowers the other day.....

Funny how fresh picked wildflowers are so much better than the sweetest most expensive roses....

It' s been a long time since anyone has gotten me flowers, I almost forgot what it felt like to see them, and smell them and rummage through the house looking for a vase....

Ah, the little things.....they really do make all the difference.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Jenny's coming back to Delphos!! Again!!


Jenny was one of my best friends in High School {the girl on the right}. She very well go down in history as the craziest girl I've ever known....a real free spirit if you will.....she'd do those things that your mother warned you about, she'd say the things you only thought to yourself....and she's coming to my graduation party on the 10th....Sure this time around we won't be doing any skinny dipping, or making out with guys, but hopefully my party won't be a complete drag!! :)

Other Party People




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Look Out World, She's the big ONE today!



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Sunday, May 21, 2006

Candles in the window lighting the way.....




2 states, 150 pictures on my digital camera, 330 miles on the odometer and I'm finally home......and it quit raining....

It feels good to be back.

This Weekend's Photography #3




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Round 2




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Some of This Weekend's Keeper Shots.....




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Saturday, May 20, 2006

Books and the Big City.........



One thing I love about being in the city is the fact that there are book stores. So many to choose from that I'm like a kid in the candy store when I'm here. Some people can't wait to get out of the city, and I have found that I love both places and appreciate them.

I think I must have wondered around shelf after shelf and I was so lost in what I was doing. Travel books, and poetry and classic fiction, they have old records, cd's, movies.....ah, when is Delphos going to get on the cultural bandwagon already. I mean farmers read too....sure maybe they only read the farm report and listen to Bob Zigler on T-102, but hey, maybe they would come around, eventually.

If I won the lottery, there are a few things I would do, I would open up a book store just like the one I visited today, and I would surround myself with that smell of old books that I love so much. That and I would wear a new pair of socks everyday for the rest of my life.....it's a little extravagant, but hell if I were a millionaire, what's a few bucks spent on socks going to matter to me. I imagine my book store would be like Hugh Grant's in Nodding Hill, not having many customers, and a bell on the door that chimes when the big wooden door swings past it and big windows on the storefront that lets the morning sunshine in.

Okay enough daydreaming about winning the lottery.......who would have thought bookstores could be so inspiring!

Friday, May 19, 2006

Weekend Travels



So here I sit on a couch in Dayton, Ohio. I'm miles from home and I couldn't be happier. I'm sleepy, but happy.

Sometimes you just need a change of scenery in order to gain an appreciation for the everyday scenery that is your life.

Tomorrow it's off to the "International Festival" in downtown Dayton, and then Sunday, I'm heading south to Kentucky.'

I made myself a cd for my weekend travels, I called it "F'ed up roadtrip mix"......I like that cd.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Hmmmm....it's everywhere.....I cannot escape it....


Same view, different location

If April Showers Brings May Flowers, what do May Thunderstorms bring?

Rain, Rain, Go away, come back some other day....


I could sure use a change of scenery.......I mean how many days in a row can one person see this same view on their way home? It's rained everyday since last Thursday here and I'm starting to forget what sunshine looks and feels like.....

You just never know......which breath may be your last.....



So this morning, my drive to work confirmed my suspicion that life is short. Or that it could be.

I don't know why but I had this sickening feeling all of the sudden, my stomach felt tight and I thought I was going to vomit. Then I just started feeling that I was going to die. All the while I'm going around this curve that I go around everyday on my way to work. Then, just like that, a truck pulled out right in front of me from the dairy farm that sits just on the curve. I slammed on my breaks, I started to slide sideways on the wet pavement. I came to a stop just as the truck escaped my path. I looked in my rearview mirror only to see my ghostly relfection looking back at me.

So this morning, I could have been killed in a nasty truck vs. car accident only 2 miles from my house. Just like that, with graduation only days away...my name already printed in the program, with plans made and vacations not yet taken, I could have expired. So many words left unspoken and so many things left undone. I hate to think of myself as morbid thinking about death to the extent that I have today, but it's only natural to after a close call like I've had this morning.

I am always saying that we should live like everyday could be your last, and this makes it clear, that I haven't been practicing what I preach. But I am going to do my best to put a stop to that from this day forward. Because, life really IS too short.

On a side note: After I almost collided with another vehicle on my way to work, two railroad workers, waved at me and honked their horn at me as I passed them on State Route 65. So all in all, I almost died and then was flirted with all within like 15 minutes. Who says your morning commute is uneventful?! Could the term "flirting with disaster" be used here? ;)

I don't know much, but I do know that I'm really glad that I didn't die this morning. I have so much left to do, to say, to feel, to live for. I'm just not ready to go....but just incase my days are numbered, I think I'll prepare my will today.

To those of you who actually read this crap, you must know that you are at the top of my list of people who mean something.....because you do, each one of you..... (just thought I should get that in writing, you know...just in case.....I do have to drive home today, so you never know!)

Monday, May 15, 2006

I think that maybe.....


I spend too much time alone.

Tonight, I stood in my living room, tennis racket in hand, in my pink and black heart covered pajama pants and black satin tank top. I then proceeded to see how long I could keep hitting the tennis ball without letting it hit the ground. I found immense joy in doing this to the point that I was giggling like a school girl and running all around the room, bouncing that ball like it was the most fun I'd had in as long as I can remember......there is no greater feeling of joy, than the joy that comes out of yourself....you aren't laughing at something someone said, you aren't laughing because everyone else is, you are laughing from the inside out......ALONE.

After it was over and the ball hit the ground, I was so proud of myself that I literally would have "high-fived" a bar stool from the kitchen.....and just like that......it was gone.....and I found myself crying when "Denny" died on the season finale of Grey's Anatomy with a box of tissues in my lap. Which brings me to now.....tear stained cheeks, a stuffed up nose, alone in the dark.

I think I'll call it a night, there's just no use trying to understand the contradictions that are the foundation of my being.

Well, Well, Well.....


Look who's got their cap and gown....and tassel.

Oh, and did I mention I picked up my degree today? Just opening the leather case it was enclosed in made my heart skip a beat.

In 1996 I graduated High School, and in 2006 I'm graduating College....so it only took ten years to get here, but so what...the rewards only get sweeter with time.

I just can't.....




find the "good" in goodbye.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

It's Mother's Day....


and I'm a girl without her mother. She & Bill went to Tennessee for the weekend so I'm left to fend for myself this Mother's Day.

Sure I know it's just another day technically.......and that Mother's Day should be celebrated all year long, but I've already lost Father's Day, and now this year, I've lost the other. It makes me feel like my family is slowly slipping away.....



On a happier note....check out that green carpet, fringe suede vest and the deer lampshade in the background....my snowmobile suit was "hot" though!!.....Ah, the 70's, you had to have been there to understand it, or atleast that's the rumor!! ;)

While I was in the Shower.....


Keith said that I was being mean......

I said: "I was just being honest and that there's a difference!"

The answer lies with intent really........

It is my belief that.....


when people are born, they should get more than a birth certificate. I think we should get an "Owner's Manual"!!

I have owner's manuals for my television, treadmill, my dvd player......and I can tell you just about anything you want to know about any of those items.....but when it comes to myself, there is so much that I haven't the slightest idea about. For example, why do I do the things I do?; why do I think about the things I do; and finally, why do I feel this way or that way?

Go with me for a second......imagine back if you will when you were a baby, you had no idea that your fingers could actually hold on to a spoon and feed yourself. And your legs, who would have thought you could actually walk upright?

Then there's puberty, things start happening to your body......we all know now what all of that means, but teenagers, they'd sure benefit from having a little light on the subject.

At this point in my life, I'd like to have a owner's manual for me, for the troubleshooting section alone. If only there were answers that readily available.....not just for my sake, but for the others around me as well!

In life, there are Doors....


Doors in which we just can't help but wonder what lies beyond them.

It could be a gold mine, could be a black hole, it could be everything you were searching for, or everything you never wanted to happen....either way, you'll never know if you never open that door.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

I Just Spent....


the last 8 1/2 hours researching and writing a policy on Nutrition & Physical Education. My brain is fried and even though I will be spending mother's day alone tomorrow, I'm going to go upstairs, take off my clothes and crawl into bed. I will turn on Season 1 of Grey's anatomy, and fall asleep before I can even get involved with the storyline.

Today I've used my brain to the extent that I'm so tired, I'm forgetting that I need to blink my eyes....which reminds me........ {blinking my eyes}.....yeah, that's it for me. Another Saturday here and gone....atleast I have a kick-ass policy to show for it! :)

Today things happened that I haven't even began to comprehend yet. I'm too tired now to even began to understand.....I figure I'll have plenty time tomorrow to think about it.

Friday, May 12, 2006

A Off Day at the Office......


as a paralegal, and it could be your fault that someone is enjoying the view to your right.....Talk about responsibility.

Sometimes though, you see a case, or talk to a person on the phone, and you feel that in even the smallest way you helped in the plight of another, and it erases those "off days"

I wonder sometimes if I should have just went to Law School....and what kind of attorney I would have made.....

If I had to pick just one.....


"A Time To Kill" would be it. This movie moved me in ways no other story has. When I watch it now, after studying the law, and now working for a defense attorney's office, it still inspires me and enpassions me in the fight for what's right.

In my Politics class at Ohio State, my professor Mr. William Angel taught in depth on the issue of racism in America. We studied the fight against segregation and for equality....from those who wouldn't give up their seat on a bus, to those who gave up their lives for their cause. To this day, I am still taken back by the narrow mindedness of our ancestors, and it floors me that there are people today who still share these beliefs and unfounded hatreds.

This movie reminds us that we should all have that feeling deep down within our souls to stand up for those who haven't the means to stand up for themselves, to put our best foot forward to do what's right, as opposed to what's popular.

A wise person once said..."Don't just fight the battles you can win, Fight the fights worth fighting for......" In today's day and age, what does the average person fight for? A spot in line at Applebees on a Friday night? Humans have an amazing ability to make a difference, I guess we all have to decide what it is we want to make a difference at......

I feel a fight within me, and I don't know where to unleash it.

Number of Guests: _____


Tonight I got my invitation for my college awards ceremony. I guess I'm getting an award for having a high acculmulative grade point average....anyway I needed to fill out my name and how I want it to be presented on the award and in the program along with a RSVP for the number of guests that would be attending. This is where I'm awakened to the reality that I don't know who my guests are. I mean, Keith will probably go, maybe my mom....but that's it. I don't know why that bums me out, but when you are used to your family of six, the number two seems so small.

Tonight I was reminded of when I was a Junior in High School. It was the big day that I was getting inducted into the National Honor Society. The night before, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me after breaking the news that not only did he cheat on me with some 30 year old lady he worked with, but also that she was pregnant with his child. A realization that is hard for anyone to hear, but especially difficult for me at that time in my life. So the day came and I had on my pretty dress, and nice shoes....complete with swollen eyes, tear stained cheeks and runny mascara. Although my outside still looked 100% better than what my insides probably did.

Old Miss Vargo (my business teacher who never really acted like she liked me much) pulled me aside during class and just when I thought she was going to rip me a new one for not paying attention the entire class said to me: "What's his name and what's he done?" I told her Danny and he's broken my heart. She sent me to see Mrs. Larimore for an ice pack for my eyes. Miss Vargo said that this was MY day, and she just couldn't stand by and watch me go get my picture put in the paper looking all puffy. I liked her from that day forward even when nobody else did.

I remember that day so clearly because it was one of the lonliest days of my life. My family was all busy getting ready for one of the "Sales" at Woods and Waters and I knew nobody was coming for me, that I truly had no one. Which was really, really evident when looking out at a gym filled with all those proud parents, and siblings, all pointing and clapping for their sons and daughters, brothers and sisters. And I all knew was, not a single person was there for me, who was proud of me, who loved me.....It's strange, but there isn't a lonlier place, than when you are the only person alone in a room full of people who aren't.

I hope that feeling doesn't set in.......it's really the last thing I need this week.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Ever Feel.....


that your feet are really far away?

One of my favorites......


Sister Joan, age 54, ignores the desert sun,
The stranded church bus smoking, no sign of anyone.

Buzzards circle overhead, panic starts to set.
The kids are getting restless, her habit soaked with sweat.

The minutes become hours, she wobbles in the heat.
Then, a distant engine roars, approaching from the East.

She squints through horn-rimmed glasses, her pure heart skips a beat.
Snake McGinty's Harley Hog, parts the dusty heat.

Black leather-clad from head to toe, his eyelids barely open,
Sister Joan says, "Holy Ghost, please tell me that you're joking."

He parks his bike, stands six foot four, then gives her a nod.
Through leather pants his manhood shows, she rolls her eyes at God.

"Havin' trouble?", he barely mumbles. "Yes sir", she replies.
He pops the hood, takes off his shirt, she covers up her eyes.

"Kids", she says, "Back on the bus. Everyone be good.
"Her fingers part, her eyes take in his reflection off the hood.

She grips her rosary tight with guilt and stares down at her socks.
Her mind protects her vows with God, but her body picks the lock.

He bends to check the fan belt, her nipples say, "Hello".
Her eyes climb up his leather chaps like a snail with vertigo.

She shuts her eyes and shakes her head, her legs start feeling funny.
"Lord", she says, "For work like this, I'm making shitty money."

He shuts the hood, "My name is Snake, I'm wanted in five states."
She said, "Snake you're my forbidden fruit, and I need a little taste."

The kids look on in disbelief. The kiss is slow, then faster.
Cheering rocks the school bus, till she says "Snake let's ditch these bastards.

As they left, the kids screamed "No", she turned around and waved.
Her next confession killed a priest and lasted seven days.

For years the scandal rocked the church, but she regained their trust.
She still teaches Sunday school, but she doesn't drive the bus.

By: Poet and Comedian Extraordinare
Paul Gilmartin

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I knew it.....


I knew there was something different about Rachel lately....I just knew it before she told me the news......the "big new news"......

I know when she's getting a cold before she does, I know when she's had a rough day before she can tell me about it, and I knew what she was going to tell me before the words escaped her mouth..... I saw it in her eyes long before I heard it from her mouth. I just know her.

I can't believe she's.......well, I'll let her tell you.

Appreciation from the Birds Eye


There's a huge tree just outside my window.....I mean it's really big. It has over 10 main branches stemming from it's trunk and hundreds maybe thousands other branches stemming out of them. The entire tree has really greened up in the last couple weeks and all the branches are lush and full, well except for one. There's this tiny little twig of a branch that hangs down on the south side, it has no leaves and it looks completely out of sorts from all the other branches. Yet everytime I look out my window, there's a tiny little bird perched there. That bird loves that branch, so what looks like a defect is really in the bird's eye, the most impressive thing.

I guess for every one of the worlds defects (bad habits, physical shortcomings, faults), there's someone who loves that little defect, and the person connected to it.