Tis the Season....the season to blog to you.....YES YOU!!!

The presents are wrapped and under the tree….my shopping’s all done….the ground is blanketed with white, and my breath’s a wintery fog that escapes from my mouth as we come and go in the December air….

All is well here in Ohio this Christmas Eve, eve. A lot’s changed since last year, I have a whole new family of sorts to celebrate with this year….MG’s family….and instead of this year, giving MG and E presents hoping not to scare them away with the gesture, this year I will be EXCHANGING gifts WITH them!….well, I must confess, the idea is so heartwarming to me, I might get a PRE-PREmenopausal hot-flash!

Chubs is decked out in his Orange plaid sweater…..I hear my roommates footsteps overhead….Elvis is singing Christmas Carols in the background….which makes me kind of feel like gyrating my hips while I do my dishes….and daydream of this holiday season full of love and light…..

I can’t believe a year’s passed! I can’t believe that this year, I’ve gotten EVERYTHING I’ve wanted and MORE! It didn’t come easily, or without absolute heartbreak and lots of tears and prayers….begging and swearing at times….cupcakes of sorrow….mood swings, hair loss and learning….and CHANGE….Oh, lots and lots of change has been done this year!

And you know what else? Finally, I’m thrilled to announce that I, HeatherLynn has not ONLY graduated from the kids table at holiday functions, butttttt…I’ve been asked to actually PREPARE a dish! Me! ME! The girl who can’t boil water without mishap has successfully prepared a dish to bring to Thanksgiving…and they all liked it so much that they REQUESTED that I bring it to Christmas! People, I don’t know if you understand the magnitude of such a thing! I’m a grown up! I’m an adult! It’s taken 32 years, but by God I’ve done it! Man it feels good too! And to my absolute amazement…when I arrived at my Mom’s side of the family Christmas last Sunday….I got these comments as I walked in, MG and my homemade Apple Crisp in tow….

“Oh, you brought the apple crisp! Yessssssssssssss!” and “Heather’s Here?!?!??! DID SHE BRING HER APPLE CRISP!??!?!”

Damn it feels good to be a Apple Crisp making gansta! ;)

In other news…..I’m contemplating a new tattoo for my 33’rd birthday….nothing says mature and responsible like buying one’self new ink for a special occasion….This MAY get me kicked out of adulthood, but eh, I’m willing to risk it! *shrugs*….I am who I am!

Uh, lets see….what else?! Oh, here’s something….I’ve committed to the idea that 2011 will be the year of the total body makeover. Starting with my “jiggley bits” Yes, sadly it’s time for them to bid my waistline adieu. Would you like to hear the motivation behind this? Well….I’ll tell ya….it will keep me committed when I want to quit, like I KNOW I will along the way….

Well, you all know I got my very large back tattoo last spring….well my dear and very talented friend Jason has offered to photograph it while it’s still fresh and vibrant on my very pale skin….and I LOVE this, I would LOVE to have some photos done. But because my back’s not as sleek and streamline as I would want it in pictures to be….I’ve not agreed to allow him to photograph me. Well my lovelies, I’m about to get streamlined! Steamrolled is more like it….but I’ve committed myself to turning my curvy out of shape body into something worth photographing! Yes, yes, the date is set, the commitment has been made and between Jan 1st and August 31st this ole girl’s going to undergo a transformation. It will show on my body, but I’m hoping it will also transform my mind too. I want to adopt a more healthy lifestyle….one that is filled with endorphin producing healthy routines. I want to get back to running regularly…I want to go back to my yoga…..I want to swim and wear a bikini when I do it….

Curvy is my gig, but I can be curvy AND fit….

But wait, there’s MORE!!! *gulps*…here’s the other motivation…..so the photo shoot with Jason is NOT going to JUST be my tattoo anymore….I’ve decided, that I would really like for him to do a vintage pinup girl shoot. You know the ones I mean….nothing too racy, but something I can #1) look back at someday and remember myself looking youthful and hopefully somewhat beautiful #2) look at and see all the result of what hard work and a year of diet and exercise can produce….and lastly, #3) I would really like to have it made into a calendar and give it to MG ….you see, mechanic’s always have ½ naked chicks hanging by their tool boxes….in their man caves….etc. Hopefully by this time next year, assuming I succeed and DO NOT CHICKEN OUT….”I” will be the ½ naked tattooed redhead hanging next to his toolbox. *bites nails nervously, but yet very excitedly*

So 2010 has been one of the happiest, and at times saddest of my life, but at the same time, I wouldn’t change it for anything! Because I got THE BEST gift I’ve ever gotten….MG. If ever the universe has smiled on me…..oh, how it’s smiled on me! Even with that said, 2011’s going to a big one too I have a feeling! Now lets hope that MG and I stay together, otherwise ya’ll are getting sexy pin-up girl themed Christmas cards of me next year! What?! I can’t let em’ go to waste! You’ll hang me on the fridge right next to the birth announcements and PTA meeting notifications, don’t act like you won’t! *laughs and rolls my eyes at the thought*

So, that’s the latest my pretties! I’ve not faded into non-existence as suggested….just faded from view a little.

I’m still here, and loving you all!

Merry Christmas to you all!

And May the New year find you doing what you love, and being loved in all that you do all year long!

xoxox

~hl~

Catching up and other happenings....

So it's a rainy Tuesday in NW Ohio.....i'm in a white wife beater, patchwork American Eagle PJ bottoms and blue running shoes...

There's a load of wet jeans that needs transferred to the dryer...and four loads of reds, whites, blacks and towels that are screaming for me to attend to them....but I'm here with you....which is exactly where I want to be in this moment...

There's a chill in the air.....even though it's warm outside for this time of year..afterall, it could be snowing instead of raining and I SHOULD be wearing a sweater, not a tank top considering my thermostat is set at sixty-two degrees right now....

This week has been odd thus far....one because I haven't worked since last Wednesday, and two, because my week started out like a episode of twilight zone.

It was Sunday night, MG and I watched football the majority of the evening....he hopped in the shower and when he was through, we headed off to bed.....we went to sleep....all was well in the world until i awoke at 4:44 a.m. on Monday morning.....I woke up clenching my blanket....pillow saturated with wetness....and I sat up so quick that I didn't even realize i was gasping for breath as tears were streaming...no, flying, out of my eyes.  My nose was running....my chest was tight....I was sobbing uncontrollably and I was confused and disoriented as I whispered to myself, it was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a dream.....which only gave me momentary relief.

 I don't have nightmares often....every once in a great while....I've even had some when I died in them, which I hear is a bad thing, however I've NEVER, I repeat, NEVER have awoken to myself in the state I was in at 4:44 this past Monday morning.  MG awoke as I sat there sobbing....he asked me what was wrong and I told him I had a bad dream....which pretty much made me feel more like his kid than his girlfriend....and he grabbed me, pulled me in close to his chest and said "c'mere sweetheart..".as he petted my hair and said "it was just a dream"...then he asked me what i had dreamt of that had me so upset....

So I told him the abbreviated story....the same story I'm going to tell you, and that's that, in my dream, MG and I were in bed and he began to tell me about another woman he had gotten intimate with the night before....when I asked him what that meant for us, he said "i thought you understood, I'm not a one-woman kind of guy...and I don't expect you to only be with me either..."  in the dream, it was like he hated me, he was so cold, and indifferent....he spoke to me like members in a staff meeting talking about ordering office supplies.....completely inconsequential.  In the dream, i was devastated, he ended things with me when I started to question him and demand that we discuss things...he just said "I don't want to do this....it's best we just go our separate ways now before anyone gets hurt"....

HURT?!?!?  HURT!?!??!?!

But i was MORE than hurt, I was destroyed, and then that's when E (his kid came into the dream), he looked distraught, and worried and I tried to talk to him, but he ran away from me as if I had rabies or something...I chased after him saying "wait!  Wait, i just want to talk to you!"....he yelled over his shoulder as he ran....., "my dad says I'm not supposed to talk to you!"

The rest is foggy after that...I think there might of been a random guy from Sons of Anarchy there at the end but I can't be for certain....

but, the one thing I remember saying to myself during the dream was "what am I going to do now?"  "How do I ever go back to the way things were before......now, now I just don't think I can..."

Ok, so yeah, that really wasn't the abbreviated story I told MG....but....anyway, so I awoke shook all to hell....MG did is best to console me, and as he got up to go pee, he said before he slipped out the door, "you know that's never going to happen right?  You don't ever have to worry about that!"....and when he came back to bed, as we were nose to nose to one another....he said I love you, (yeah, we're saying that now) and he kissed my lips and I whispered it with my sob-stricken voice back to him..."I love you too"...then i sniffed up some stray snot that was about to escape my left nostril. (romantic right?)

Ever since "the dream" I've been feeling shaken....my eyes still get teary when I start to play it back in my head, and I can't help but wonder, why?  WHY is my head so cruel to me?  Why does my subconscious torture me in this manner?  I'm the happiest I've ever been, yet somewhere, deep deep down, aroused only in my sleep or in my weakest moments, it preys on me.....reminds me that life is never fair, love doesn't conquer all, the good guy doesn't always win.....that there's no such thing as happily ever after...

and what really pisses me off is the fact that I KNOW that life's not fair, love's not perfect and bad things happen to good people all the time....I don't NEED the reminder!  yet again and again, there it is.

Over here at Castle d'la'heatherlynn....my Christmas tree is twinkling at me...I'm texting a guy who's hand crafting my gift to MG....while presents of my other loved ones are wrapped and under the tree.....and speaking of my tree....there's something extra special on it this year...

While I helped MG decorate his tree that he put up this weekend, we reminisced about our ornaments that we made in school....(as many of you know, he and I are classmates, so he has all the exact same ones that once hung on my parent's tree....) however, I don't have any of mine, as my estranged father either destroyed them, kept them, or who knows what them after my parents got divorced....so it was a semi-sad walk down memory lane thinking about all of MY childhood ornaments are no longer around....

I remember my favorite one...it was a ceramic red heart that we hand crafted, and painted ourselves with our names on them.....it was heavy and always required a strong branch to hang it on, but it was my absolute favorite.  So when I saw MG's there in the box, I nearly giggled with glee.  yeah, I said "giggled with glee"...tis the season to giggle with glee....i suggest you try it!

I told MG the story of my lost ornaments.....and he listened thoughtfully while I tried to look as though it didn't bother me as much as it does to think about....and we hung the rest of the ornaments on his tree making his little pine look top notch!  As I prepared to leave....to go see my sister and my mom while he went to an Ohio State v. Michigan game party....he said "wait, take this with you....put it on your tree!"...and he opened his hand and there it was, the red ceramic heart, hand painted by an elementary kid whom I'd of never in a million years would of thought that I'd grow up to love with all my heart....but there he was, standing there, all grown up....in his kitchen, with his heart in his hand....giving it to me...to take with me as I left.

So subconscious, hear this....you may try to remind me, you may try to warn me, to keep me guarded, to keep me running scared....but I am NOT going to run from the boy who gives me everything.  So stop trying, I'm doing this, with or without you.

And to all of you in blogland, in case I don't make it back before the holidays, I hope you all are blessed, loved, and wrapped in warmth and kindness this holiday season.  I wish you health, wealth, and love.

all my luv,

~hl~

and from the embers....arises THIS story....

So a couple months ago, I took some family photos for my Aunt D and her entire family. Including children, grandchildren, son's in laws...etc. Ok, who am i kidding, it was like around 4th of July...and I've STILL not got them their pictures yet! and this is why I always say when people tell me I should go into the photography business, "yeah, probably not!" #1-I more times than not wind up NOT CHARGING for my pictures.....or for the hours of editing I do after....OR I feel terrible taking their money when they actually give it to me....my one rule is, "you don't like the pictures, pay me nothing!"....which is, well, not all that conducive to making money at something.....


what can I say, I'm not a entrepreneur by any means!


So one main reason I haven't gotten the pictures to my Aunt is because my dvd/cd burner quit on me and i was waiting to buy a new one....so my dear sweet cousin Rachel, eldest Daughter of my Aunt D, was supposed to get me a flash drive for me to put the pictures on, so they could take them to get them printed etc., however, THAT just didn't seem to ever happen. *laughs*....


soooooo....finally i got my new burner and sat down the other day and was like I AM NOT LEAVING MY COMPUTER UNTIL THE DISKS ARE MADE! I was feeling very determined on Monday....and since i had the day off, damnit, i was going to make some headway on ALL the things I didn't have time to do the entire month of October.


So i made up disks for the family, and i sent a mass text to 4 members of the family to let them know the disks were ready for pick up.


my text read as follows: "I'm burning your family pictures as we speak to disk, let me know when you want to pick them up."


shortly after, I get a text from my Aunt asking if she could call me....I said "sure"...


so she called and told me the story of how upon receiving my text, she only read the first part of the message that said "I'm burning your family pictures as we speak" and her stomach fell to the floor....as she thought she was "receiving her very first HATE text!" She said to herself "why would someone want to burn my family pictures....what did I do to deserve this?!?!?!" Then......she read the rest of the message...and realized that her unawareness of technological terminology like "burning" did not, in this case, mean to "set ablaze" or "ignite"!


She was all frazzled when she called me....still shaken up by the idea of receiving "hate texts"....I was like D!, #1 - I’m your niece why would i send you HATE TEXTS? and #2 - why on earth would I break into your house and burn your family pictures!?!?! lol I mean, i may be nuts on occasion, but I ain't anywhere NEAR that level of crazy!


*sighs*....


I love the NON technologically advanced....they are like kids really, the say the darndest things!

--------------------------------------

IN OTHER NEWS:  Current Irons in the Fire:  A friend of mine actually DID go out and try Zestra...and has agreed to write me her review in exchange for MY OWN, so ya'll might get that story outta me yet....and there's some new activity on that front additionally that hopefully I will have to share with you soon.

Also....and update on my crazy stuff:  New pill...Day 8, OFF old pill day 15...and so far, I FEEL 100 x better.  Symptoms subsiding somewhat.....my head...well, lets just say I'm FINALLY feeling like myself again.  And not to be stuck on myself, but man, I really missed ME! :)

More later...hopefully....

~hl~

Going away for awhile....

Sorry guys......

but I need to.....

I <3 and will miss you all....

xox

~hl~

An Unexpected Product Review:

Product: Sprintec Birth Control

Duration of Use: Approximately 7 Months

Outcome: Bad, or so I think….


So in an economy where the only PERK an employee at our office gets these days is the free gift offered if you order $50.00 or more from Staples Office Product’s catalog, it’s not surprising that I don’t have insurance. Lots of Americans are going without right now…so in an effort to be able to continue to afford birth control, I switched from Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo to this new low cost pill called Sprintec. It’s only $9.00 available at Kroeger and Walmart Pharmacies. Wooohooo…right?! Cheap and so conventient! PERFECT.

So I asked my Dr. if I could switch. He said sure and the deal was done….I was a Sprintec user.

I didn’t notice any real changes at first except one….the one and only side effect that I noticed was that I was freaking STARVING….I mean RAVENOUS kind of eat your arm off if you got too near me hungry! It was pretty hard to NOT notice. I think starving kids in Africa were more indifferent about food than me!

So that was the first thing and the ONLY thing I really noticed.

Then came the hair loss. I noticed that there was more and more hair in my drain when I showered….I don’t have any bald spots or anything, but I’m consistently shedding everywhere! My roommate was like…the only thing we have more than dust around here is red hair! And he’s right….I’m quite the shedder lately! And I love my hair, I’d like to keep it on my head if I can! Just because I like wigs doesn’t mean I want to be bald! But I just attributed this to the fact that I’d been stressed, they say stress does that to a girl….so I shrugged it off…”this too shall pass” kind of mentality if you will…..

Then last month I gained like 10 lbs. IN A MONTH!

Still I didn’t think much of it…thought I better just watch what I was eating more.

THEN….all the mood swings…and being TIRED ALL THE TIME! Going to bed earlier than EVER in my life…on top of being totally overly emotional, which to be honest, I think started from the very beginning, but it took THIS long to really build up to be SUCH an issue, that I started thinking perhaps I was losing my mind. I spoke to several of my medical knowing friends and discussed possible things I SHOULD be on. Anti-anxiety, anti-depression….I was actively seeking SOMETHING to alleviate how I’d been feeling. I was easily overwhelmed…who I am kidding, there’s no WAS about it, I AM easily overwhelmed….I’m high, I’m low….people just look at me wrong and my eyeballs get all weapy. Whew! It’s horrible feeling like this…having all these little episodes!

So while I was contemplating getting some chemical help….I got to thinking about my hormones, about when this all started….and I got to thinking about how I used to CRY EVERY TIME I spoke of MG when we were on the outs there for awhile….and I used to always say “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, EVERY time I speak of him I cry”…and I thought I must of just really been in love or something…but maybe, the reason the flood gates were pouring out my eyeballs was because I had no control over my hormones….and the sadness I was feeling was horribly irritated by the fact that I was overdosing on Progestin, which after doing some research, I believe that’s what’s wrong with me.

Here at the symptoms for such an overdose:

Acne, oily skin
Breast tenderness
Depression
Tiredness, fatigue
Hair loss
Hypertension
Increased appetite
Weight gain
Cholestatic jaundice

I have SEVEN out of Eleven Symptoms.

So I called my clinic and told them what was going on, and they said that I should of switched to Tri-Sprintec which is a low dose hormone pill that is comparable to Ortho Tri-Cyclen Lo. Sprintec, turns out is a much higher dose than I’d been on for the last seven + years. So they are looking into switching me to this new pill which they say should really help with all the evil side effects I’ve been suffering….
I found a website where 35 women wrote testimonials of Sprintec….20 of those women complained of being horribly emotional, crazy mood swings, anger, irrational behavior! Several women said they felt like "whackjobs", which is exactly how I imagine MG's thought of me!  Quite a few women specifically noted that since they went on Sprintec they were having a lot of problems in their relationships....hmmmmm....could THIS be the reason I've been struggling so?  Oh, Please let it be!

*crosses fingers*….

Cross yours too, for luck!

xoxo
Your hormonal
Overly Emotional
Wackjob Friend,

~hl~

Holy Crap, what'a week!

{it's always good to start off lighthearted 

when you're about to throw yourself on the alter}

 So many of you were left hanging, confused and asking me what was up with that last post...some of you thought MG said he loved me, others got the fact that the picture's petals all said "NOT"....as in "HE LOVES ME NOT"

So here's what....about a month ago....I said it....I told the man I loved him.  *shrugs*....mostly because I do, I DO love him regardless of what anyone considers quick, or hasty or whatever else ya'll use as your guidelines for when and why and how to say the "L-word".....I KNOW how I feel about him....and I am NOT the kind of person who waits for life to happen to them....who feels comfortable not telling the people they love, that I DO IN FACT love them....I have lived long enough to know that life truly IS short...and we aren't promised tomorrow....I believe in love.....and I believe it's never WRONG to be honest....so in being true to myself...I couldn't NOT tell him.  As miserably hard as it was go swallow my pride and put myself out there like that...I did it.  Sure it was scary, and it nearly made me break out into hives to do it....but I did.  I told him.

To my disappointment, he said "No you don't"....as a response.  Ok, so yeah, that was painful.  NOT only does he not love me, but he also believes I don't know the difference between loving someone and not loving them!  GREAT!  I was all sorts of deflated.  But being an optimist, I didn't throw myself under the bus of NOT being loved and let it crush me, No, I said to myself..."Heather, this is MG, you wouldn't of WANTED him to say it back just because YOU said it, perhaps he'll tell you later, in his own way....*shrugs*.....don't fret....wait and see what happens.

So I did, I waited.  And waited.....a week, two, three....nothing!  To say I was starting to loose faith was an accurate statement.  THEN.....THEN I shipped myself off to Chicago.  If you guys know me a little even, you know that THE WORST thing you can do to a girl like me, is give me time, space, and 10 hours in a car to "think" about things.....throw in 22 hours in two days of back breaking work, leaving you feeling not just physically drained, but all the "thinking" ignites this nervous energy and doubt and disappointment...and next thing you know.....you're a mess.  At least that's what happens to me....

I have all these crazy irrational thoughts that while I'm away MG's forgotten all about me....that I'm missing him like crazy, but that he DOESN'T miss me!  which is totally unfair....just because the man ain't blowing up my phone with texts...when he KNOWS I'm working, DOES NOT mean he doesn't miss me when I'm away....

But being the self destructive self that I am.....when I arrive back in Ohio.....and on MG's doorstep, instead of throwing my ever-luvin arms around him and kissing his face off....I act weird, standoffish, etc.....I think I even might of said a couple passive-aggressive things just to really throw a wrench in things....needless to say, it only took a minute for MG to pick up on my awkward homecoming and he said "what the hell's up with you?  you go away for two days and you come back all weird and shit!"  "What's wrong".....which are the TWO words that amazingly are the magic words to make me a MUTE!  Yes, when the man I love asks me "what's wrong"....I swear I suddenly develop some weird phobia of speech.....I'll nod my head, sigh a lot...but no words seem to come to me.....

Oh, but it gets worse....yes, yes it gets far worse....stick with me if you can stomach it for what happens next.....so finally, after we're in bed and he's nose to nose with me, and i can't get away from him....(not that i want to be away from him, only to NOT communicate like i should)....I say, .....after a lot of sighing, and after a lot of him urging me to speak...I say "Well, I told you I loved you....and you said "Not you don't"....I don't know, I've had better responses..."  and I could tell, i caught him off guard, he hadn't expected that I don't think....he didn't have an immediate response, he kinda paused and thought for a second....put his hand on his forehead....and then begin to speak....

he said a lot of things....naturally my messed up mind was too frenzied to put it into any kind of logical order, but I do recall him saying...."well i don't know what to tell you"...."At times I've thought about saying it, and other times I was glad that I didn't"....(which btw, THAT ONE....made me insane thinking about what THINGS I'd done to make him GLAD he didnt' say it)....he said also that he really cared about me and that he wants me around/in his life....but at the end of the day, he just wasn't ready to say that to me.

Oh, there were tears on my part throughout....awkward silences...etc, etc....but then, after I said some stuff and he said some stuff...somehow, and I'm not sure how he always manages to do this....we got to laughing about something or other, bickering/play fighting about something....which then turned into some "luvin"....which then turned into us both saying in some sort of variation of "I needed that"....and we did, I'm kinda a dude like that...I'd rather get it on than "talk" about crap a lot of times.....*sighs*....

but that's not the worst of it....

I thought i was fine....we seemed ok, he even asked me before we got it on "so are you ok now?  you good?"  and I said that i was, but upon his departure from bed the next morning....when he left for work and that door closed and I was laying there alone, in HIS bed, I realized that #1-I was NOT ok, and #2 - I was really really NOT ok.  The tears started flowing.....and threw my clothes on and hurried out of his house and headed to mine.

My mind was racing...and my mind is a mean mean machine when it dislikes something in my life....in this case, it was "he doesn't love you heather!  GET OUT NOW BEFORE YOU GET HURT!  RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY!"  this is what my mind was saying, over and over and over...I turned up the radio in the car...trying to drown it out...but it wouldn't be dampened.  my sane side said "Heather, he cares about you....he really does, don't freak out!"....but even rationale wasn't warding off the negative, impulsive, SCARED side of me.  I really HATE that side of me....it's a torturous horrible side to have...because that "side" is never on my "side"....never supportive, never sane, NEVER HELPFUL!

So what did I do, I TEXED him (and yes, TEXTING IS THE DEVIL AND DOWNFALL OF RELATIONSHIPS WORLDWIDE)....I said the following:

"when you're head tells you one thing and you're heart something else....which do you listen to?"

MG says "idk, why?  what's yours telling you?

Me: "  My heads telling me to Run, my heart says NO WAY! and that you're so worth the risk"....

He says:  "great!  well why don't you let me know what you figure out!!"

When MG uses exclamation marks, yeah, i know I'm in trouble.....

this little exchange spun out of control....and by the end of the night, he wasn't really talking to me and I was absolutely certain we were breaking up.....(again, always worst case scenario with this evil brain of mine)....and I went to bed unsure of our fate.  and all lines of communication were quiet.  Silent.  void.

Long story slightly longer.....after some immense apologizing by me, and giving him some time....he said he was fine, that we were fine....but I knew that was too easy...and so when he worked on my car the following day.....because he didn't want me driving my car the way it was....I had the demeanor of a child who'd recently been bad.....and i felt my shoulders hunched....my head down.......I felt so terrible for the way I behaved....yet, MG hugged me for a long moment.....and while we weren't ourselves...we were together....and that was reassuring...

My car got fixed that night.....but i felt our relationship was still damaged......by my little "episode if insanity"....I knew it, and i saw it in his eyes....i made him not trust me.  I made him question me.  *slaps myself in the forehead*....How do I ever expect the man to say he loves me, when I'm constantly giving him reasons NOT TO!  I don't blame him, I'm not sure I'd love me either!  I'm kinda a wacko at times!  That's not attractive!

But I'm happy to report...that it's Friday, I'm about to head out to Chicago again after work, and somehow, I've managed to find my way back to where we were.....we may even be in a better place than we started to be honest.

Last night MG said to me:  "Here's what I think.....I think you're the kind of person who needs to see me everyday, because when you don't, you start thinking too much, over analyzing everything...and then you get nervous...and then you have a meltdown....I think you need constant reassurance...." and I said "*yawns*....man would you look at the time, i'm beat...wanna go to bed?!"

lol

So yeah, am I fixed...no!  but when i asked him "what if i'm crazy, what if these "episodes" are just part of me and I can't always STOP myself....will you still like me anyway?"

He said "yes"....

So he can't say he loves me....but the fact that he fixed my car....so I'd be safe.....he has agreed to like me even if I'm a mental case sometimes, he has watched all but ONE episode of Grey's Anatomy with me...on his own fruition......and the fact that every day before he leaves for work, he kisses me on the cheek and throws and extra blanket on me so I'm not cold without him....well folks, that's more love than saying it!

It's more love than I got from people who have vowed to love me in the past....

so I think even as crazy as I can get sometimes.....that's enough for me.....and someday, IF he should say it, feel it....know it.....I'll be all the luckier.

and there ya have it....the whole story.....do you guys still love me....even if I'm nuts?

xoxo

~hl~

Officially:

He loves me.....

.....and now I know....

My Current Addiction

So....I tried it....

ZESTRA....

Remember the post where I said I would try it and do a product review if some of you would go out, buy it, try it and also write about your experiences....??  http://hoscorners.blogspot.com/2010/09/anyone-anyone-bueller.html  Remember?

Well I was really disappointed that only THREE people offered to do this with me.....there are millions of reasons in this world, but are any of those reasons REALLY valid when it comes to WHY you WOULDN'T want to have an orgasm today?

Example:  WHY do YOU NOT want to have an orgasm today?

#1 - I have to get the laundry done....house clean....

#2 - I'm tired

#3 - I don't have time

#4 - I don't enjoy orgasms.

#5 - I'm single.

Here's my response to that!

#1 - you can do BOTH!!  Throw in the laundry, soap....etc....go vacuum the floor until the spin cycle....come back, hop on and enjoy DOING the laundry for a change!

#2 - It's a proven fact that an orgasm before you go to bed will not only help you fall asleep FASTER, but it will make you sleep BETTER as well.  Orgasms produce endorphins....which right before bed can even give you sweet dreams as you snooze.

#3 - Don't have time for an orgasm?  Are you kidding me?  EVERYONE has time for one!  You just have to make it part of your routine.....if you can't be spontaneous and participate in your own sexuality, then you SCHEDULE one damnit.....as un romantic as that sounds....just do it until you can't imagine NOT doing it....have one in the shower.....every night before bed, set a date with your spouse when you know the kids will be at soccer or something....but make it a point to make the time.

#4 - LIAR!  sorry, don't meant to be judgmental, but seriously?  WHO doesn't enjoy the most enjoyable pleasure our bodies can give us?

#5 - Oh, don't give me that crap....you don't need a spouse to have one, you don't need anyone.....sure it's nice to play well with others, but in a pinch, we all have the ability to make it happen. {except the rare situation where a person is physically or emotionally unable to achieve orgasm...}

So tell me again why only THREE people agreed to try this product with me?  Ladies?

I tried it last night......yep, sure did.....I sure would like to tell you the results of that venture, however.....I want some participation......someone, ANYONE, write to me and tell me you tried it, what you thought....comment here, whatever you're comfortable with....and I'll write my product review....

Looking forward to hearing from you....whoever you may be!

xoxo

~hl~

Thanks.....um...I think:

So today, an old client came into the office, someone who we haven't seen around there here lawyering parts for quite a few years....

This particular client being um, well we'll call him "special"..."unique"....naturally, me being me and also being cursed to be the FACE OF OUR COMPANY aka, the front desk sitter....developed a rather cordial relationship with said client.  And NO i don't meet we dated, just that, he became a fan favorite of MINE.  When he called, he always asked for me, when he came in to drop off documents or the like....he'd talk to me for twenty minutes or better.....and everyone in the office would tease me saying he was my boyfriend....since he was so partial to me.....now I'm a people person and I'm just a sucker for being NICE to everyone, no matter how much trouble it gets me into....

Anyway....so in walks "JoePublicClientGuy" and tells me what had brought him to seek legal counsel once more....and after 15 minutes or better of conversation and note taking in regards to his "incident"....and me saying, "Ok, I'll have the attorney look everything over and let you know what he thinks"...oh, say 3-4 times...he starts to head towards the door...but not before saying..."Oh, and hey, what's your name?"  

I say "Heather"  

He says:  "Are you the same Heather I always spoke to before?"  

I say "yep, It's me, I'm still here!"  

He says:  "Wow, you look different!"  

Me:  "Um, well ok..."

Him:  "Not bad of course, but you look better...Improved really..."

Me:  *smiles politely*  "thanks"

Him:  "I have went downhill since you've seen me last likely...."

Me:  "Ah, well you look the same to me....not too different"..

Him:  "Well thanks..."

Anyway, what the hell kind of compliment was that anyway?  Was I like hideous before or what?  Geesh....being new and improved means you were old and in need of improvement before doesn't it?

So much for my ego today!

Maybe it is a compliment, cuz seriously, I'm a girl in desperate need of some pampering.  I've not had a haircut since "the great hair debacle of 2009"....

ALMOST A YEAR!  Can you believe that?  I've kinda developed a fear of the stylist chair like other people have with the dentist chair....actually, I'd RATHER have my teeth cleaned than a haircut these days...., I've cut my own bangs several times this year, but if i don't get a haircut soon, I'm going to start to look semi-Amish!  Not even kidding....!  Amish is not exactly the look I'm going for this season!

Plus, I'm pudgy feeling in my mid-section....which my weekends in Chicago will work off so I'm not too worried about that.....but I'm just feeling like frazzled.....like I LOOK frazzled....not as well put together as I'd like.....but hopefully, HOPEFULLY...I'll have my shit together soon.

Here's hoping!

Happy Hump Day My Luvs,

~hl~

Last Night's highlight Reel:

Some things you hope to forget, some things you hope you never do….

We’ll start with the “let’s forget shall we” category! *smiles*

So ….Last night, I’m down in the basement sorting some Laundry….MG and his kid “E” are upstairs gearing up for Monday night football….they are all pumped, and we’re waiting for the garlic bread to finish baking……so we can eat.

I decided to be productive, go sort laundry while I wait….MG comes looking for me….and when he realizes I’m down in the basement….he starts doing this scary voice he does, it’s very Nightmare-on-Elm-Street-ish….and it normally scares the crap outta me….so he starts doing “the voice” from the top of the stairs, I can’t SEE him, but I can hear him…..

My dog Chubs is cowering at my feet….MORE scared than me…..and I’m hollering at MG…Stop it, I’m in the basement, you’re GONNA freak me out down here doing that!!! I even said, Look you’re scaring the crap outta Chubs even! Finally when he was satisfied with his torment of me, MG comes down the stairs and sits on the steps while I finish sorting…..then, outta nowhere, chubs runs towards him, then runs back at me…and starts PISSING….everywhere!!!! Including hiking his leg and pissing all over my shoes and my legs!!! MG starts laughing hysterically! Oh, sure, YOU scare the piss outta the dog and I get the brunt of the urine! SO NOT FAIR!! So after dinner, I got to mop up a river of dog urine…..but I took it in stride, and didn’t take it personally….so I got pissed on…better than pissed OFF right?

So we’re going to try and FORGET that tidbit of last night…..

But the part I really want to always remember is this:

“E”, me and MG are sitting on my big red couch…..the boys at both ends, me in the middle, “E” shares his blanket with me, cover’s up my legs so I’m not cold, {he’s kinda attentive to me like that…..my own little mother hen at times}….and MG’s on the other end. Both Boys are sporting Chicago Bears Jersey’s….MG’s got the “rally cap” on and ready at a moment’s notice…..and I’m wearing my newly acquired bears T-shirt that I bought awhile back…so there we are, all geared up and all snuggled in blankets….anticipating a big Chicago win….and “E” starts laughing and says, “look at us, we look like a family….”

We “look” like a family….and you know what, he was right…..we kinda do. I “feel” like we are so often….I tried to MAKE a family once….and it didn’t work out…..marriages fall apart….babies are never born….but this, if this is a close as I get to family…..you won’t hear me complaining. This is heaven. Heaven dressed in Bears gear.  To be honest, if you asked me to choose, between a FAMILY I helped create...children of my own....OR merging with this existing twosome....I'd have to say, that I'd choose them...MG & E....for as long as they'll have me.

 

I love the honesty and sincere observations of kids… “we look like a family”….a simple little statement….as off hand as it may have been said by him…..it was nonetheless “something” worth noticing.

Oh, AND DA'Bears WON against the PACKERS!

Wooohooo!

Sorry Wisconsin...I have to root w/ my man...I sleep with him! :)

xoxo

~hl~

Last Night:

This last weekend was my last weekend to be spent in Ohio....as for the next five weekends, my new address will be Chicago, Illinois.  Yes, it's that time of year again....it's Pumpkin Farm time....Goebberts Pumpkin Farm will be my new place of residence.....

http://www.pumpkinfarms.com/

This year's going to be a bit more difficult for me....seeing as I've never worked out there when I had to leave someone I loved back home....cuz, well, you guys know, I've not been a "relationship kinda girl" since my divorce.  I've "dated" a little....I've had some loose connections and no strings romances, but to actually HAVE someone you don't want to leave.....well, whew...I'm not sure how my crazy little self is going to handle this.  I mean, I'm kinda relying on the idea that I will be TOO TIRED from working so much to actually feel the anxiety this situation should produce for me, but will i get that lucky?  To dodge THAT bullet?

You know though...It will be kinda cool to have something to come home to...when I was married, I never hurried to get home from anywhere....I knew the only thing waiting for me was an empty house....man I don't miss that....

Anyway...

Last night, while MG was sound asleep, snoring ever so adorably on the couch....and I was laying on him...head resting on his hip.....watching the Jets v. Dolphins game....I lifted my head...probably trying to get more comfy or something...and I looked down at him laying there....his legs slightly curled up....the hair on his big toe, the scar on his leg....mouth partly open...the tattoo on his wrist.....I just had this profound feeling of "yep!"....I didn't ask myself the question "is this what I want....my future"....but without the question even being asked, the words "yep" came to me and I already knew what they were the answer for!  it was very odd to be honest.....to answer questions YOU didn't ask, but YOU seem to know what question you're answering at the same time.....it's the most confusing yet clarifying experience a girl can have with herself......

and yes, yes, I do get how insane and contradictory that sounds, but I can't explain it any better than that....

I'm not ruling out the idea that perhaps i have a split personality or alter ego or something that bounces around inside me and pops out from time to time, asking questions and causing mischief....come to think of it, it sure would explain a lot of things...but that's not the point...the point is this:  I'm very rarely "sure" of things in life....I can be fickle and unpredictable....I have horrible commitment issues....

I'm actually KNOWN for it ...

ask my friend Ashley, I can NEVER commit to being anywhere EVER in advance...I HATE being locked into things.....It's nearly a phobia.....so how I can lift my head, look at this sleeping, snoring, GORGEOUS man laying under me and be able to say "Yep".....to the idea of something "without end" with....well folks, in my world, that's an effin miracle.  I don't get in this deep with people.  I don't get myself in situations where I get TOO attached.....but last week, when MG was going over my car with a fine toothed comb before I started driving to Chicago every weekend....he said "I think WE should change your transmission filter and get that motor mount changed for SURE before you go"....did you hear that?!  "WE"....WE should fix my car.....I know it's small, but it felt big.  

If We = (MG + me)....

I'm all in.  

Now lets just see if we can handle a month of barely seeing each other.....It's my sincerest desire that absence really DOES make the heart grow fonder.....because any other result....well, I think it's safe to say will break my newly hopeful heart into shards so small even a professional wouldn't be able to re-assemble.

Tonight "WE" are watching Monday Night Football at MY HOUSE!  Yeah, at MY HOUSE...Oh, I'm excited, we don't hang out at MY HOUSE often, so tonight's a special treat for me!

Go Bears! ;)

Happy Monday Everyone!

xoxo

~hl~

Kids say the darndest things (right Angie?)

A funny story for you....my sister's mother-in-law Alice always does this thing with my niece when they are saying goodbye...she'll say "Emma...I love you more than...{insert something that's just the bees knees: example:  hot fudge sundaes}"

And Emma always says back to her "I love you more than EVERYTHING!!"  they do this VERY enthusiastically....nearly bouncing up and down with excitement and joyous affection....

my nephew lane well he's never been one to want to participate....it's just not his scene....which is odd considering he's far more lovey dovey than Emma, but whatever....

so the other night, he shocks my sister/his mom when he says he wants to stay bye/iloveyou to grandma Alice...and Alice says "Lane, I love you more than.....{insert something awesome}{insert enthusiasm, etc, etc}....

Lane says back, "yeah, I love you a little bit more than a..... sandwich"...minus enthusiasm...completely serious....and the kicker is, the kid doesn't really even like sandwiches that well!  awwwwwwwwwwwwww.....poor Alice!

 And I thought "I" had it bad when Emma couldn't pronoune my name and therefore called me Heffa, which if you mouth that one out, sounds a lot like HEIFER!!!  What aunt doesn't just LOVE being called a COW!!

lol

So when you're without a smile...remember life could be worse, someone could love you a "little bit more than a sandwich!"

xooxox
~hl~

{All pictures courtesy of Google Images}

An Article that I liked....just wanted to share it with you guys....

You'll know the recession is 'really' over when ...
Ann Brenoff
Sep 24th 2010 at 12:00PM


While the news broke this week that the National Bureau of Economic Research proclaimed the recession ended in June 2009, it unleashed a guffaw that could be heard from coast-to-coast. Truth is, those guys really don't have a clue. Sorry dudes, but we here at WalletPop are on the front lines of the recession and no offense to your lofty perches, but you really need to come down now. What follows is WalletPop's top 10 signs to know when the recession is really over.
1) When your boss actually replaces an employee who retires or quits instead of having you do all their work.
This recession taught corporations that they could just dump more work on remaining staff when they axed people. With employees terrified that they might be let go next, everyone just sucks it up. Paying overtime? An antiquated tradition. Unions? Haven't been heard from lately. The truth is, U.S. corporations have absolutely been big winners in this recession. As Northeastern University's Center for Labor Market Studies has documented, pretax corporate profits increased $388 billion since the second quarter of 2009, but the amount of wages paid to workers increased just $68 billion. Greed, my friends, greed.

2) When your laid-off friends start getting hired at jobs with benefits. Unemployment statistics lie. They don't tell the full picture. They measure how many people have filed for jobless benefits, that's all. They don't count the under-employed, the people who got tired of sending their resumes into a black hole, those who are getting by with odd jobs and holding garage sales every weekend for grocery money. There is a whole underground workforce who manage with a string of no-benefit part time freelance jobs. Nurses, lawyers, writers -- they cobble together a series of gigs to pay the bills each month. Businesses would rather control their costs this way. They hire who they need, when they need them. If illness or misfortune should somehow befall the poor serf, there is no health coverage, paid time off, or disability insurance to kick in. And the business will just move on to the next serf.

3) When you don't have to live with your parents anymore. According to Dr. Phil -- well, why not? -- there are close to 14 million adult children living at home. He calls them moochers. We think of them as victims of the recession. Where else should your recent college graduate go when he can't find a job? All the Amana boxes under the freeway are taken. Vibrant Nation says that almost 37% of all Boomer women have an adult child or children living under their roof.

4) When it becomes financially feasible to get a divorce again. Divorce rates have plummeted in this recession. No, not because our knights suddenly found their misplaced shining armor. Divorce in this recession is a one-way ticket to financial ruin. You can't sell your house; one spouse can lose health coverage; you can't set up two households for the cost of one; chances are, you can't even really afford LegalZoom to fill out the papers for you. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says that about 37% of its members have experienced a drop in business, the poor dears. According to W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project, divorce rates fell from 17.5 per 1,000 married women in 2007 to 16.9 per 1,000 married women in 2008. Divorce rates peaked in 2005-06 when housing prices and the stock market were at their peak. So what if your spouse lies, cheats, or essentially bores you to death? There are worse things. And eating cat food is just one of them.

5) When a vacation involves airplane travel and you sleep in a hotel bed, not your sister-in-law's house. No matter how much we sing songs of praise for stay-cations, who are we really kidding? The fact is that any time you are cooking your own meals, doing your own laundry and having to make your own bed, it's not a real vacation. A vacation means to go away, to vacate the daily routine, to not compulsively check our Blackberry's in case someone wants to interview us for a job. Tourism has been down throughout the country. Not even Las Vegas, once thought to be recession-proof, has been spared empty hotel rooms.

6) When Starbucks isn't full on a weekday afternoon. Starbucks, and other places like it with free WiFi, have become the official office for the unemployed and under-employed. It's a splurge that's relatively affordable that gets you out of the house for a few hours. We send out resumes from here, blog posts from here, chat up the regulars. And hey, who wouldn't get excited about a pumpkin spice latte? Plus if you suck up enough to the manager, maybe you can get hired. Starbucks has a great benefits package for part-timers.

7) When you no longer have a relationship with coupons. Imagine a time when if you forgot your grocery coupons that you didn't turn around and go back home to get them? Or going out to dinner to a restaurant without a coupon? It seems like a long time ago, doesn't it? Our need for a deal has spurred the growth of sites like Groupon and DealNews.com. Heck, it's probably why you became a fan of WalletPop.

8) When you can list your house for sale and reasonably expect it to sell within three months at a price higher than what you paid for it. Interest rates are at all-time lows and still nobody is buying. Home prices in some places have been cut in half and yet inventory grows. Federal tax incentives gave a short shot of adrenaline to the home sales market but once they expired, so did the patient. Many experts believe that the housing market is the key to the rest of the economy. If that's the case, maybe the banks ought to try giving out an occasional loan without requiring your first born as collateral.

9) When trying to get a bargain becomes a sport instead of a necessity. When you go to happy hours because you feel like being social instead of going for the free food. When you smuggle popcorn into the movies because it feels so naughty, not because you can't afford to buy it there. Actually, make that when movie night means leaving the house.

10) When you can afford a new car, your 401k has been restored, you've reset your emergency fund with 6 months of living expenses and the term "99ers" is erased from your memory. Amen.

http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2010/09/24/youll-know-the-recession-is-over-when/

A week of Remembering....

I tell you, you forget shit as you get older...and I don't mean like I have Alzheimers, but as we get older, I swear we get better and better at the art of suppression.  My divorce was nearly 4 years ago....and I, as each day goes by, I forget how unhappy I was, I forget that feeling of helplessness that only a bad marriage can bestow upon you....all the fights, the frustration, the crying into my pillow while a snoring heap of a husband was sound asleep without a care in the world beside me....and when i DO start to remember, I nearly have a panic attack just on the fringe of remembrance...and I say "Geesh....how on earth did I come out on the other side of that?"

This week, a friend of mine finally told me about some things going on with her.....I naturally was tipped off to her personal situation through the hated "small town grapevine".....and while other inquiring minds wanted to know....I decided not to ask her.  I did wonder, naturally, not out of gossipy craving, but because I care about my friends, and if ever I can help....be it just listening, or distracting them with nonsensical stories that always seem to happen to me....I'm there, or I want to be if they'll let me....but my friend didn't breathe a word of it to me, and I figured, if/when she felt up to it, she would.....so I waited, and hoped one day she'd trust me enough, or be in a good enough place to open up about things.....

This week, she finally did......and it was like having a page ripped out of my old diary and being read back to me.....having heard her story....her pain, her personal struggle....wow, talk about a floodgate of my own experiences coming rushing back!  And not that i regret now knowing my friend's story.....I'm honored that she's let me "be there" for her in this difficult time, but it's just like, being reminded of my own life....a life that doesn't feel like 4 years away...but 4 BILLION years ago!  A part of me has seriously buried the sadness i felt back then, or maybe I was so dead inside then, that literally, the part of me that WOULD remember those times is as dead as my wedding gown that my ex-husband's new wife gave away to the thrift store in town.

I know not a lot of people believe that a divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to a girl....and in a lot of always, it nearly broke me down to the point I wasn't sure I could be repaired....but, honestly, wow, what a ride!  Lessons learned the hard way, are oh, so valuable.  Funny how when you learn them THE HARD WAY....you seem to never need to learn them more than once!

While the glimpse into my wedded-non-bliss was painful, remembering that look in my eyes that used to stare back at me in my mirror's reflection was haunting, it was needed.  I hope to NEVER forget where I've been.  I want the painful times ALWAYS make me thankful for happy ones....May my mistakes guide my future successes....and may one spectacularly failed relationship teach me what NOT to do in the next one.

Pain.....it's funny how one minute, it cripples you and you think you'll never survive it, and the next, you have to TRY to remember it.

And to anyone out there who's going through a situation you don't know how to even BEGIN to talk about to your family and friends.....start with the truth!

The TRUTH, never lies.

xoxo

~hl~