Daily Horroscope:

Jan 20 - Feb 18

If it's chemistry you're looking for at this time, you may have to accept the fact that you're barking up the wrong tree. Try elsewhere.

Guess I won't be looking for any chemistry today then! Damn it!

Not So Celebrity Sighting!

Just a few moments ago....a tall dark haired guy came into our office.

He so closely resembled Vince Vaughn that I seriously did a double take. When he began to speak, his mannerisms, voice tone, height, haircut, eyes....everything....

I smiled at him as I wondered if he knew what I was thinking...and if hears that a lot. He smiled back at me.....I'm not sure of what his reasons were....I'm sure they were work-related....being the professional that he probably is.

I don't know why, but I just love when this sort of thing happens.....totally meaningless...but still....

Life is Seasonal:

It's Snowing. Gone is the lush greeness of summer and the change from Summer to Fall has passed us by....and today....snow has started to fall.

As the seasons change, our environment changes.....and so has my life.

This time last year I was a college student, graduating....hopeful of a new career....thinking about a future of possible children and family....

I wonder how much of the things that we think we want have arrived out of what we think is normal, or acceptable. I mean, getting married; having kids....are these things we do because we think it's whats expected of us? If we don't do it, are we looked upon as misfits?

I honestly can't tell you that I will ever be looking to get married again. Sure, a lot of that may be fear talking....but what if I don't. What if I live the rest of my days....having random short term-non-committal relationships and no marriages result and no children are ever born. Then when the end finally finds me....will I have regretted it all because I didn't take the same path as all the others? My boss just had another son born this week. It's his 5th son. He's said to hell with the fear not once, not twice but six times, once when he took a wife, and then five more times with each and every little blonde haired boy they welcomed into the world.

I wonder if I'm insecure about the lifelong commitments that children bring....you know....like I have never been with anyone that I felt secure enough with to make that kind of commitment with.....OR.....am I meant for another kind of life....a non-traditional one?

My zodiac sign is the Horse.....I didn't even know this until about a year ago...I've never paid much attention or attempted to make sense of things like this.....but when I read about the person that was born of this sign...it really did make me read more about the zodiac....there were too many things that were very true of my nature.....and the one thing that it said, that had always kind of haunted me....it said that "someone born of this sign....would never live a normal life".....and try as I may....I never have lived what one would say was a normal life.

I mean I came back to work today.....after a weekend of pony/camel rides. I had to explain to my boss that what appeared like a bruise caused by handcuffs was actually a tiger bite.....a claim I'm still not sure they are buying. Apparently me committing a crime is more believeable than me carrying a baby tiger back to it's kennel and getting bit in the process......that hurts a little I have to admit! *smiles micheviously*

Maybe that is my problem....I keep trying to do what's considered by the masses as normal...but deep down, I know I'm not normal...and being normal isn't all that satisfying for me. So no matter what "normal" situation I put myself in....I just find myself becoming bored and restless.

So here's what I'm going to do about it.....brace yourself.....are you sitting down? I've decided that I'm going to chuck it all and join the circus. Yep....what life is there that is more untraditional that that? I'll learn new skills like guessing people's weight....grooming the bearded lady's body hair.....maybe I'll even learn to juggle and apply clown face paint.

What? Why are you looking like that.....Okay, okay...so I'm not REALLY going to join the circus.....Barnum & Bailey Groupie isn't something I'm quite ready to put on my resume. I just need to figure out how to live my life in a way that keeps me feeling alive inside.

I need to do some housecleaning in my life...I need to throw out the old....cut loose some baggage.....and I need to so it before I loose my nerve.

Tales from a Dollar General Store Near You....

So yesterday was one of those days you just can't seem to forget.

Besides all the drama associated with my most recent weekend away and the aftermath of that.....the day got better as it went on.

I went to Lima with Steph to clean one of the duplexes that we've been working on. When we got there, we realized that all the cleaning supplies were in the other duplex to which Steph had forgotten to bring the keys for. So as to make our trip to Lima a productive one, I suggested going down to The Dollar General Store for supplies. So we hopped in the car and headed down Elm Street to the Dollar General Store on the corner of Elm and Main.

Now before I go any further, I should tell you this.....I have this thing with people. For some reason, it’s been my luck that I have a gift at getting complete strangers to tell me the most off the wall things. My co-worker said it’s strange how people just open up to me so easily. I just wink at her and say it’s because I have kind eyes…or if I talked to them on the phone..I joke and say it’s because I have a sexy and/or sympathetic voice. That would be sexy for the men….sympathetic for the ladies. Honestly though, I’m not exactly sure what it is that I do….if it’s anything I consciously do or don’t do……

For instance…..I remember one day one of our clients who had been convicted of an OVI who said all along that she had been drinking non-alcoholic drinks the entire night....she had refused the breath test, therefore she stuck to her story…she testified in open court to the fact that she had not had a drop to drink....she was adamant about it…..SHE HAD NOT HAD ANYTHING TO DRINK..!! I had the pleasure of talking to her one day on the telephone, not long after I began working here and within a 10-15 minute conversation, she admitted to me that she had a few to drink and that she couldn't lie to me....she just came out and told me....she wouldn't even tell her attorney who is sworn to keep her secrets and to help her....yet without the least bit of effort on my part, she just came right out with it...

If I had to guess what it REALLY is that gets people to talk to me so openly….it’s that I ask questions…..I show interest in people when speaking to them…..and for someone who maybe doesn’t have anyone who takes an active interest in them or in what they have to say, I unknowingly open a door to a wealth of pent up sharing. Sometimes I wonder when the last time they really spoke with someone….or laughed with someone……..

Anyway….back to the Dollar General……we picked up our supplies as quickly as possible since we had so much work to do. We headed to the counter and placed our things in front of a curly haired blonde woman who wore a smock and looked to be in her mid to late 40’s. She rang up our items and then asked Steph or I if we could pick up the latex gloves and place them in the bucket we purchased. She then told us that she was deathly allergic to latex. She went even further to tell us that latex is in so many things….even chewing gum. I was intrigued….this woman was a wealth of latex information…..seeing as I know very little about latex I asked her….. “So how did you find out you were allergic to latex?” She looked at me and said I found out when I went to the gynecologist”….she raised her one eyebrow as she finished the sentence. I raised my eyebrow back….this was about to get good….in a creepy TMI kind of way…. Steph pushed me a little in the back as to say....."Heather...shut up....stop....don't ask....please don't ask her....."

She the lady leaned in towards me, placed her hand on my arm and whispered….. “my husband was married to a 400 pound woman before he married me….” I said, “Oh?”…..as if to ask….what does this have to do with latex…..? Again Steph gave me a nudge.....

She said when she got back from the gynecologist with very swollen vagina her husband looked at her and said…. “Damn…..that’s one fat p*ssy!” He then continued to tell her he’d never seen anything like it….so she says to him… “Not even when you were married to Yvette?” (I’m assuming Yvette was the 400 lb. ex wife…) and her husband then says to her “Nope, even her’s wasn’t that big!”

Okay…..so when she said the word p*ssy while having her hand on my arm I was in such shock that it didn’t occur to me to bust up laughing…..I know the look I had on my face, one of surprise and mischief….because I knew this was a conversation that had I not opened my big mouth would have never came to see the light of day….but damnit…this woman wanted to tell me her story…she needed to laugh, and I allowed her the freedom to let it out…..let it all out apparently….

The next thing I knew the cashier and myself were laughing and Steph was literally pushing me out the door….

I told Mrs. Dollar General Lady that I would never see a pair of latex gloves again without thinking of her…..and that there are some conversations that you just never forget…..this one would be one such conversation……

Steph and I barely made it to the parking lot before we began to laugh hysterically. We caught our breath, looked at each other and simultaneously said, “Damn….that’s one fat p*ssy!” We laughed all the way back to the house…..

I felt a whole shift in my mood after that……life was okay again…..

Now I’m left wondering….what else would this woman have told me if given the opportunity….I bet ten more minutes with her and I’d have another whole blog entry to post here without a doubt!

I guess the moral of the story is….a 400 lb women’s vagina isn’t comparable in size to that of a latex allergic woman’s…….or maybe on a more serious note……keep your eyes and ears open to the people around you….because if you do, you just might wind up with a story to tell, a laugh to share…..and a one way ticket to a better mood after a rough day. And frankly…..who can honestly say they have enough p*ssy stories to tell….I know I don’t!!


......

One weekend down...two to go.....

So this past weekend, I traveled to South Barrington, Illinois to work at Goebbert's Pumpkin Farm giving pony rides to the kiddies that come there to purchase their Halloween pumpkins for carving....and other farm market goods.

I've done this now for a few years, every year telling myself "Ah, Heather, it's not so bad...." and then every year driving home to Ohio at midnight on a Sunday knowing that I have to be up and ready for work first thing Monday morning....saying to myself "Heather....what were you thinking...this never gets any easier!"

I took my friend "J" with me this year.....I thought that since he was looking for work, it might be something he'd be interested in....to my surprise, even after I told him how hard of work it was....he still agreed to come along.

He found out first hand that running the pony ring isn't all fun and games, but that even though it was hard work, it also is worthwhile when seeing how happy it makes the little kids that we help put on and take off the backs of our little fleet of ponies.

However....here's the strange part.....We got back Sunday night late.....on the way home, I was tired and didn't feel much like talking, we talked here and there but mostly listened to music. For me after a long strenuous weekend and working out in the weather facing the elements, I tend to just keep to myself. I'm just focusing on staying awake and trying to forget the fact that my face is windburned and feels like it's on fire.

Anyway....so today I looked at my myspace site and "J" has deleted me off of his myspace friend list. So one weekend away from home was all it took to ruin a perfectly good friendship.....I guess I'm disposable. I guess if someone is willing to delete you off myspace because they are mad at you, and they let you know they are mad at you by the act of deleting you, I guess they never saw me as much of a friend anyway....because if I'm mad at someone, I would just talk to them about it. Maybe not right away...but eventually I'd express what I was feeling......Hell, Keith and I are dissolving a marriage.....which is pretty serious.....and if he were on myspace and he was my friend.....I wouldn't even delete him and we are involved currently in litigation against each other. I guess it just goes to show that there are people who you think you know.....you might even call them your friend.....but just like that, with a drop of a hat, they could dispose of you the same way they'd toss out yesterdays news. So this is what this feels like....to be disposable.

If ever I've made someone feel like this......and they are reading this right now....I'm very sorry.....for I would never intentionally make anyone feel that they weren't worth keeping.

Another life lesson learned I guess. Next weekend, I'll head back to the Chicago area with one less passenger than before......there will be silence other than me singing along with one of my random burned cd's.....and again I'll be alone. Why is it everytime I learn a lesson, the end result is me being alone?

More on Goebbert's Pumpkin Farm: http://www.pumpkinfarms.com/

I got a new book....TWO Actually....!!

Last night after working over on the "Lima Duplex"....Steph Jeremy and myself stopped off at the bookstore. First of all, ya'll know my love of the bookstore....and it was a unique experience to go with two others who apparently really liked the bookstore as well.

Anyway...on the discount book section, Steph found me this beautiful hardbound Edgar Alle Poe book and I love it as if it were worth a million gold pieces as opposed to the bargain price of $8.00. Steph bought it for me as an early christmas gift....I love the way it feels when i turn the pages....I can't wait to get home and open it up.

I also got another book...to which I'm too embarrassed to admit wanting to read......so....for those of you who thought I was totally open and honest.....guess what?.....I'm not! *smile*

{whistling a tune....thinking about sleeping....yawning....so sleepy today!}

Blog Interaction: So is personality pre-determined?

J. Baker said...
I think it's great you're able to communicate so openly the way you do. To say I'm a wee bit envious would be an understatement, as there are a lot of things I either can't or simply won't write about on a personal level. I've never been one to openly communicate my personal feelings in any regard, so it's kind of refreshing to read the words of someone else who's much more free spirited and open with their life.

3:16 PM


HeatherLynn said...
j.baker....you know what I wonder about....do you suppose people are born communicators?

I was talking to my mom the other night and she said that I was a big-time chatter box when I was little...talking in complete sentencing very early on and so very social and happy.....so I wonder was i pre-destined to be chatty and open, or is it a learned trait?

~hl~

11:54 AM

Eye for an Eye?

Last night I was talking to one of my friends about their views on politics....and he said that his views were that we are too soft in this country. He believed that if you got what you gave....you'd be less likely to break the law.

He said: "Take a child who grows up witnessing his mother getting beat by a man, whether it be his father or not, that child will grow up to be a wife beater himself, or he'll wind up killing someone who is a wife beater.....and either way, it's not a good thing" I guess as far as the death penalty goes.....I believe that if someone confesses to the crime they are accused of which carries the death penalty and they show no remorse for their crime, I think there shouldn't be a question as to whether or not they should be sentenced as such. Seeing as a work in a law office though, it is hard for me to want to condemn all criminals....mostly because there are two sides to every story.....and sometimes people are wrongly convicted. All these cold case files television programs have shown us that the law isn't perfect and that the innocent aren't always set free, and the guilty aren't always punished. So I worry about things like that with the eye for an eye theory.

Then there's the whole child molester thing....I honestly don't think that people can be cured of their sexual preference. I mean do you think you can turn a gay man or woman into a straight one through counseling and/or medication? No amount of prison time, or counseling will keep someone from going back out and trying to fill the need to satisfy their sexual urges. There is no cure and there is no reforming somone of this. So what's the answer? Kill them? Send them off to a deserted island with a bunch of other sexual deviants?

See here lies one of the problems I have with politics....I think we have laws that were created to protect us, but they have no substance to actually do what they were intended to do. I don't know that laws for or against abortion will ever make a difference either way. If it's illegal, people will still find a way to do it, if it's legal, protesters blow up clinics killing abortion doctor's and someone still dies......what's the solution? And why do we allow our country to become so divided on an issue that we may or may not even have any hope of changing?

President Bush used the whole religious, church going, anti-abortion voter, vote to get himself elected.....he was going to put morals in the whitehouse...we bashed Clinton for his person indiscretions....and in the grand scheme of things.....what does it matter. How much groundbreaking into new legislation has there been? Have we found a cure for aids or cancer? Are there less people starving within our own country.....have we solved the social security issue, what about welfare and medicaid? Have we found ways to combat unemployment and job growth? What about insurance....outlandish settlements in malpractice suits causing healthcare insurance to become unattainable to the middle class without help from their employers.....

I guess I'm someone who likes to think that I try to maintain politically aware of the world around me, but I will be the last person to tell you I have the answers, or that "if we elect so and so all our problems will be solved"..... Politics is the business of both good and evil, it's pure hearted and it's greedy... because it's run by humans. Corruption of Power, scandal...they go back as far as history will allow.....

I find politics to be frustrating at best....every cause has a group of lobbyists fighting for their cause, expending millions of dollars to battle legislators.....everything is a battle....and nothing ever seems to get accomplished...good or bad....just a bunch of stagnant bickering.

We are told that every vote counts....but what happens when you don't believe in either candidate? There are no platforms....there are no realistic agenda's.....I wish that we lived in a time when I could still hold out that there was hope in the idea that one person has the ability to make a difference in the world.....but I'm finding that it's less and less likely to be so.

So much for me being a motivational speaker today eh?

Who's behind you?

10/8/06 ~ 6:05

One of the first posts I ever wrote here was about my mom. She and I have never really seen eye to eye on most things. I believe I once described myself as her antonym. So it’s funny when people tell me today that I remind them of her, or that they can see the resemblance. Cause frankly, I don’t look much like her….and act like her…she’d probably smack someone for saying that! She loves me, don’t get me wrong, but there was a time when we were strangers to one another. She would have never thought of doing the things I did, or saying the things I said….Oh and if she only knew the things I was thinking….she’d have died instantly! Did I mention that I was a bit of a rebellious kid growing up?

What cracks me up now days is that she is now one of the only people who understands me. Never once while growing up did I ever feel that my mom was “on my side”, you know supporting me in my decisions. I mean she was likely the FIRST person to roll her eyes, or start telling me that my decision making process couldn’t be more wrong. She’d start sentences addressed to me with things like “When I was your age, I’d NEVER….” or “what kind of person would….” I don’t miss those days, blind teenage rage, fights with parents that seemed like they lasted for weeks…..and in my case the fight didn’t, but the groundings did!! My sister Angie was once grounded for an entire year. Now I was no angel, but damn, she was brazen!

I had a talk with Brooke (my little sister) the other night and she kept insinuating that there HAD to be someone else that was either blinding my decision to go back, or giving me the WANT to just throw away the old life for a new one with someone else. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m not switching out one relationship, one love, for another…..there isn’t a man alive who could talk me into a committed relationship at this juncture in my life….and even if he did talk me into it…..I’m smart enough to know that it would be doomed to fail. Because frankly, I don’t have it in me. I couldn’t love the way I should, I couldn’t give of myself….I am just so limited right now. I would be terribly selfish if I even considered the possibility of bringing in someone new to fill the void that is my broken relationship with Keith. You just can’t replace old love with new love….it’s not like getting a puppy to replace a recently departed pet……

So anyway….the point is, it’s hard for people to grasp the idea that I’m leaving to go be by myself. I’m leaving him for me. And the ONE person I NEVER, I mean NEVER expected to understand this is my mom. Ironic how the first twenty-five years of my life we butted heads like two stubborn billy goats, and now, I guess in some ways she’s kind of an ally. Granted, she’s never told me to leave Keith, she’s never said it was a good idea, but she does nod her head and say things like….”I understand that”….or “I’ve been there” and that seems to be about all the support I need from her.

There are moments in each of our lives that we just never forget…..I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first time I realized that my mom was behind me.

The writing process.......at least mine

10/08/06 ~ 2:30 p.m.

Well, I’m alive….but barely. I just finished doing the dishes, sweeping my floors and straightening this place up. It was a disaster…..and all I can think of is crawling back into bed.

You know what really pisses me off? Buying trash bags, only to realize when you get them home and open them up that they are only 4-gallon bags and are so tiny the only thing they are good for is asphyxiation. Once I realized what I bought, I contemplated pulling one over my head and “offing” myself. But they are floral scented, and frankly…that’s no way to go!

Last night at the reunion I talked to Natalie, my old best friend from 7th & 8th grade. She of course knew about what’s been going on with me because she pops in and reads my blog from time to time. She asked how I was doing and while we were chatting….she told me that she knew a little bit of what was going on from my blog….then she said that sometimes while reading my blog she feels like a voyeur. As if the things I write are of such personal nature that it’s almost as if people shouldn’t really know I feel that way, or think about whatever it is I’m writing about on any particular day. I told her, “Natalie, if it were a secret, I’d hide it, not publish it!” She smiled and I told her to try and not feel that way.

For me writing here….having open discussion, communication and sharing of ideas / belief’s are things that make me feel connected in a world where it’s so easy to become disengaged.

The other day a friend of mine told me that he wants to write because the written word lasts long, long after anything you say or do. I have to agree, books, articles, novels….they could be around long after we are dead and gone. I mean I myself have several books that are over a hundred years old…..I’ve always been one to write things down….for what better story is there than the one that unfolds within your own mind, your own life or though the efforts of your imagination?

Granted my writing is by no way to be considered at literary genius, BUT they are my words and my thoughts and here they are…..where they travel when they leave my mind travel through my fingers and out the tips, to the keyboard through cyber space and onto a computer screen anywhere between small town Ohio and Timbuktu…it’s a journey, maybe not one I’m making physically, but it’s still me….out there, somewhere. Some might say aren’t you scared, afraid of what people might think or worse, what they might say about you…..and I say, why should I be, it wouldn’t change me or my mind/views….and it certainly wouldn’t curb my yearning to write.

Life is too short to play by everyone else’s views. I’m not “just like everyone else”….I do things “normal” people would consider risqué. I’m open to the point that some people are uncomfortable with the intimacy of it. I trust wholeheartedly until I have reason not to…..and I allow my heart to win over my head occasionally, because your heart, although fickle at times, some might even say disastrously passion driven, it deserves a shot to take you for a ride, no matter the length, the unpredictability or pain-ridden results……

At the end of my life, there may or may not be many people left alive who can say that they really knew me….and while I’m turned to ashes and scattered to the four corners of the earth…it’s possible that these words will survive me and if that’s all I have left to leave behind, that’d be just fine by me.

What will you leave of yourself when it’s all said and done?

The Day After.....Ouch

10/08/06 ~ 7:50 a.m.

Good morning………well actually it isn’t all that “good”…but it’s morning nonetheless. It’s not even eight o’clock yet….and I’ve determined that I am going to be suffering all day long. Thanks to Finn & Matt Ulrich, two names I shall curse the entire day, I have a tremendous hang over. The shots and bud lights and miller lights…..ug! I think it’s official….I will not be drinking anytime in the near future. Yep….it’s official.

Gosh my head hurts……

So the night out with my classmates went well. There were a lot of people who didn’t show up, but there were a lot that did and I think everyone had a really good time. Having it at the Bowling Alley allowed everyone to kind of hang out casually, do a little bowling and then go to the bar afterwards, which in hindsight….I could have done without the going to the bar part…..Damn Finn & Matt!! *smiles through the pain*

The funniest thing was Stephanie…..she was a riot. Pretty well toasted before we even went to the bar, she ran around all night with such a youthful energy, laughing and really appeared to have been enjoying herself. She sang Karaoke for crying out loud….Poison’s “Talk Dirty to Me!”. I about fell off my barstool laughing!. At the bowling alley, I bowled and she didn’t, so she took my camera around to take pictures of everyone and everything….she came back and I was like, “Steph, let’s see what you’ve got so far?” I took the camera from her hands, turned it to view mode and saw three pictures. She’d been taking pictures for a half an hour and she only had three pictures. Apparently she hadn’t quite figured out the ins and outs of my camera up until that point. I can only imagine the pictures that aren’t on my memory card! She didn’t drink as much tequila as I thought she would have though….sorry..that was a bit of a random thought……..

Reading back through this drivel…..I can certainly tell I have a hangover….I mean c’mon…this is not pretty….I should go back to bed, but for some strange reason, I feel too shitty to even do that. I haven’t consumed any alcohol for seven hours now and when I close my eyes…the room still spins. Isn’t that supposed to wear off by now?

Class Reunion - Ten Years

10/07/06 ~ 6:05 p.m.

Tonight is the big 10 year reunion of the Class of 1996 for Jefferson High School. TEN FREAKING YEARS!!! When talking to my mother earlier she said, so what is this your five year reunion? I was like mom, I’m 28 years old….I graduated at 18…you do the math! She was like “Geeze Heather, you are getting old aren’t you!?!” and I was like “Thanks Mom!!”

I’m listening to music I listened to when I was in Middle School and High School….currently Cindy Lauper is on, next is Belinda Carlisle. I caught myself dancing around just a little bit ago….I laughed at my own silliness. The sun is shining on the back of my head and I have to move my head along with the line that I’m writing to I can read my computer screen….something I also kind of half laugh at myself for.

Single life brings upon a whole new freedom that you forget when you’ve joined your life with someone else, that whole “single people behavior”…..you know the things you do when you are home alone and you know nobody is looking….like shaking your booty to a song while wearing only your underwear and a tank top. It’s these kind of things that make you start to feel alive again after feeling that you’ve been trapped under a very dark cloud for such a long time.

The sun is warm….Steph is coming over to help me find something to wear so I look like my most amazing self, we are going to eat free Pizza Hut pizza since the last time we ordered from there, they f*cked up our order and gave us a free coupon the next time we ordered. And in my book the only thing better than fresh cheesy pizza is FREE fresh cheesy pizza!! Hey, I’ve lost like ten pounds in the last two weeks…I need a serious refueling here!

It’s going to be strange seeing the faces of my past tonight…..there are so many I havne’t seen since graduation….I hope they come….you know how some people are about reunions. They think that everyone is there judging them by what they’ve accomplished or didn’t accomplish in the last ten years…..frankly, I don’t care how many accolades they have under their belts. One man’s accomplishment is another’s worst nightmare…so who am I to judge?

Presently the back of my head is on fire…….that sun is really beaming in here! But I love it’s warmth and I refuse to pull the blinds…darkness has plagued me long enough… “so in with the light” I say!

Well, I better finish getting ready….Steph will be here soon and will wonder what the hell I’ve been doing…and if I tell her writing….she very well might scold me for it! *evil grin*

Wish me luck…….I’ve got a new hair cut, my eye brows are waxed and I’m feeling ready!

Annivarsaries......come regardless of status..

10/07/06 ~ 12.45 p.m.

Today would have been….well is….my six year wedding anniversary. Six years ago on this very day, I was in Grandma Peg’s basement (where I lived at the time) sitting on the edge of my bed staring at my wedding dress and gripping tightly to my white shoes I was about to put on. If I’d only known then what I know now.

I guess there are always going to be things we look back upon and think….if I’d only waited, or if I’d have turned this way instead of that way….but regretting every decision you ever made is no way to live. I like to think that even the things we look back on and say….man, why’d I do that….even those questions have answers.

Looking back at the last six years….I know why I rushed to get married…..because if I had waited….if I had not married Keith when I did, my entire life could have been much, much different.

At the time my folks started getting a divorce, I lived in my Grandma’s basement….if I hadn’t met Keith and bought a house, I’d still have been living there when my crazy dad’s rampages would have been right next door and up the stairs from where I was living. I would have HAD to move out….I couldn’t have resided under that kind of dark cloud constantly lurking so close to home, or even worse right in my living room. Who knows where I would have moved, probably a cute one bedroom like I currently have….which would have meant, when my dad threw first Brooke and then Lance out on their asses, I wouldn’t have been able to take them in and give them refuge from the storm that was the destruction of the only lives we’d ever known. It’s possible that I would have totally fallen away from my family and become more distant from them than I’d ever been. I’d have not gone back to school….gotten a degree, or be employed at my current job……I guess, I don’t like to call my mistakes, mistakes. I like to think of them a journeys. And even journeys with so much meaning…sometimes come to an end so a new journey can begin.

Today is my anniversary……..and this year, it holds all new meaning. Someone once said that you should celebrate a marriage the same way when it begins and when it ends. Surrounded by friends, with good food, music and drink. Because regardless of how low one feels, it’s not the end of life…it’s the end of a relationship’s road…but the journey must continue…..I’m not ready to give just yet.

Weekly Survival...no small feat

10/6/06 ~ 6:06 p.m.

It’s Friday night…..I made it through another week. You ever have times in your life when making through “another week” seems to be more of an accomplishment than anything you can remember? Life sure has a crazy way of reminding you that you shouldn’t take your life for granted when it’s good.

This week was tough….working two different jobs, trying to get things in order, having a friend over to my new apartment only to be accused of screwing him by Keith. I had to move my things in a hurry so they wouldn’t be burned, I haven’t been feeling good and the final trying thing of the week….writing my boss a note to ask him to help me get a dissolution.

I don’t know why I feel like a total reject asking that of him….I mean he’s an attorney for Christ sakes…..it’s what he does, it’s what he’s good at…..yet, I was as awkward as a 13 ½ year old getting kissed for the first time when faced with asking him….my palms were all sweaty, my mouth was dry….I couldn’t bring it up to him….so what did I do? I wrote him a note and put it in his mail slot……I’m such a freaking coward I swear.

This morning he reads the note….while standing behind me as I typed away at my computer, but I was so overly aware of the fact that he was reading the note. I felt my cheeks go flush and I was all nervous and out of sorts. My note went a little something like this:

Keith,

Remember when you told me “if you need anything just
ask”…..Well, I need something. I need a dissolution. So I’m asking….is this
something you can help me with? If not, it’s perfectly okay. Just let me know
either way.

Thanks,
Heather

Not too long after reading my note, he popped over in front of me and said “Heather, of course I’ll help you!” He even said it with one of those tones as if I was silly for thinking for a second that he wouldn’t. I will forever be indebted to him for his kindness towards me…..I mean, I haven’t worked there all that long, it’s not like he owes me any favors or anything….and I’m so appreciative of his kindness. Someday maybe I’ll look back with my “everything happens for a reason” line of thinking and know that this is why I became a paralegal, so that I would then quit working at Technicon, take a job at an attorney’s office, and find myself working for someone who’ll help me (legally speaking) during this very trying, personal trauma in my life. Maybe thinking like this a little naïve on my part, but what the hell…..everyone should have that kind of innocence. That child-like belief in life and it’s many twists and turns. Otherwise….life is just bleak and meaningless.

So….another week is on the books……..another day is done………it’s Friday night……and I sit alone in my apartment. Am I miserable? No. I’m not. How can I be, I survived yet another week……and that’s something worth smiling about now isn’t it?!?

I read in a magazine that your immune system can take up to a year to recover from a breakup. Apparently when your heart breaks, your immune system too takes a hit.

I feel it too.....I have the start of a cold, and yesterday the food Stephanie made me for dinner....it sat in my stomach all night and felt like I was going to throw up. Mostly because of the terrible evening I had before going over there to eat....I don't want to go into details....but lets just say that I went to Keith's, it wasn't pretty, and I'm quite sure all the love he has for me, has now been converted to hate. Shattered glass and ripped pictures were indicators of his rage towards me. It's as if he's doing everything he can to lure me into a vicious confrontation. I won't give in, I'll keep my eyes and ears open and try to remain calm....even though it hurts like hell......but fighting, well in my life's experience, it always seems like there's an alternate path that can accomplish the same goals. When you say things in a fight, you always regret what you said, or how you said it, or wish you had said more than what you did, because everything is coming at you so fast...that and the fact that you are running on pure emotion and not so much on actual knowledge of the situation. ....composure is lost in translation of hurt and anger into words. Sure you may get some good jabs in there, but I guess I'm just more of a pacifist these days......or a coward depending on how you look at it.

So the point is....if a broken heart doesn't actually kill you (which in my opinion....maybe it should)....a weakened immune system might.

{..............walks off to get a tissue and some tylenol...........}

Relationships are like the Chocolate in a box of Chocolates

Last night…..was hell. A male friend of mine from out of town stopped by the apartment to say hello. Keith stopped at the same time. I didn’t have anything to be ashamed of, for he and I were just hanging out watching some documentary on PBS on the Jack Abramoff scandal. Anyway…the point was, it was all innocent enough, but Keith being a guy automatically assumed that this guy was my "new boyfriend" and that I had been in a relationship with this guy for years. He said that seeing me have another man in my house made him believe that I had been cheating on him all along. I always told Keith, I'd leave him before I'd cheat on him.....because what's the point anyway? If you want to be with someone other than who you are married to, why stay, you might as well just leave and get it over with.....well, that's my belief on the subject anyway.

Anywy......Keith needless to say was very angry, he yelled, threatened me with having to get a damn good attorney because I was going to have the fight of my life on my hands in order to divorce him and then he left. I DON'T want to hurt him, yet around every corner there he is getting hurt. I don’t know how to stop it from happening and he thinks because I don’t want to hurt him that I’m playing some sort of game with him. I’m not playing, I think this is all very serious, but I don’t think that all separations and ending of relationships have to be like the final fight in a Rocky movie. I don’t believe that caring about someone goes out the window when one decides that they don’t want to devote “forever” to a person anymore.

I told Keith last night that although relationships are somewhat disposable as I’m disposing of the chance of things working out between us…..that people are NOT disposable. I would still be willing to have a relationship with Keith….sure it would be a little weird at first, but eventually it wouldn’t hurt so bad or be awkward. I’ve never been one to just throw people away intentionally…..it’s just not my nature to do so. We spent six years together, yeah, some of it was rocky, but like it or not, he's been my family for six years.....I cannot pretend that he never existed, I cannot pretend that I never loved him....I just can't....I think even trying to pretend would be disrespectful of the connection we once shared.

What really sucks is that Keith’s only got two feelings about me:

LOVE

and

HATE

He's like one of those lawn mowers with high speed and low....there's no middle ground...only extremes. I guess maybe there really is a fine line between love and hate.....

I hate to think of him hating me…..I couldn’t hate him…..I mean I don’t think that I could, even though he’s super pissed at me and is saying some really hurtful, resentful things….I know he’s hurt and saying what he has to, to feel better. Lashing out is natural response to what he’s going through, I can understand that……I just have a sinking feeling that the only way he’ll be able to get over this, is to hate my guts, to tell himself that the worst possible things he can imagine about me are the truth and that I’m just another heartless bitch who ruined his life. I think if I were a heartless bitch…..life would be sooooooooooo much easier. It’s exhausting to worry about other’s feelings. It’s always a balancing act between what you want and who might get hurt in the process of attaining it. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people who just says “F*ck Em!” or “Who Cares about what they want!”……

Keith told me today that I was being selfish by telling him that I still cared about him and that I didn’t want to hurt him. He told me last night to file the papers as soon as possible to end this once and for all. I guess that’s the only thing left to do, but it doesn’t make it any easier to do though does it?!

Forrest Gump’s Mom once said: Life is like a box of chocolates….you never know what you are going to get………

I guess relationships are like that……sometimes you get the right one on the first try…..sometimes you don’t. If Keith were a piece of chocolate in a box….wrapped in pretty foil…..maybe I’d take a bite and find that inside, he’s not filled with my favorite flavor….but damnit all chocolate is still pretty good……however, it’s tough to put the lid back on the box and walk away when you know your favorite is in that box and you didn’t try to find it. You settled for less than you knew was possible. That just doesn’t sit well with me….it never has….and it never will.

The Love Connection: A New Contestant

When going through a break up, it's funny how quickly you get an eye opener about dating AGAIN. In the last few weeks, I've discovered three people have feelings for me that I never knew about......a few people have said...."Heather, I know some nice single guys if you are interested...." and frankly I'm just not. I don't want to meet anyone new, I don't want to go to dinners and movies with guys I don't know......I know my soon to be ex-mother-in-law is under the impression that the only reason I left Keith was so i could "run around".....but this is coming from someone who said that my myspace page was rude and offensive.....she probably followed that comment with something like...."she should be ashamed of herself!" Ah, well you can't please everyone all the time, so why try?

I was talking to a friend of mine about the ourpouring of new love interests around every corner and he said that it's because it's so new....people see you out for the first time in a long time and it's like "hey, there's a new fish in the single pool"....I suppose maybe that could be it.....but honestly, I just want to surround myself with the people I already know and feel comfortable with....taking on anyone new....it's just not something I'm feeling up for.

So for those of you who have that special someone in mind that's just "perfect for me"....he's going to have to wait for awhile....because ol' Heather just isn't ready. I appreciate the offer, and I love you for thinking of me.....BUT.....this old heart of mine just can't take any breaks, cracks or the like for the time being. I have some mending to do first.

Me Pictures....

It's been awhile since I posted a picture of myself on here....

Monday's Rambling....

10/02/06

Happy Monday Ya’ll…..Man can you believe it’s October already? Where had time gone? It won’t be long and I’ll be traveling to beautiful Chicago to do my pumpkin farm thing…..I’m bringing my friend Jeremy with me up there to work, which will be nice for me to have someone to hang out with, and nice for him to get some extra cash in his wallet. Who doesn’t like to have extra money right?! I know I’m not too proud to drive four hours to work my ever loving ass off giving pony rides for two days and then turning around and driving four hours home to go to bed just to get up Monday morning and play paralegal again. That’s one thing I’ve never minded doing….working for things…..last year the money I earned at Goebbert’s I paid for all the Christmas presents I wanted to buy for people. I felt really proud of myself on Christmas Eve / Day to see the hard work I put forth on the faces of the people I love in the form of a smile….there’s a great deal of pride to be found in that…..and it’s inspired me to keep right on working…..because nothing in life is free, and nothing good can come of laziness. That’s the “Osting” in me talking for those of you who didn’t know…..

The Osting clan are about the most particular bunch of redheads this area has ever seen. Their motto is: “Anything worth doing is worth doing right!” Ostings never half-ass things. When I was a kid my dad showed me just how serious he was about that….Angie and I had done the dishes, or were in the process of doing the dishes after dinner one night when my dad wondered in and came to get a bowl for ice cream. He grabbed one out of the clean side that we had just washed. Apparently it had some food still on it and he went ballistic. He shouted at us and told us that we would HAVE to learn the hard way that in this family you do it right the first time….and then he proceeded to pull every dish out of every cabinet and made us wash all the dishes we already washed over again. Not to mention every pot, every pan, spoon, fork etc. It took us two days to finish them all…..and frankly it’s loving memories of my father like this one that make getting through life without him all that much easier. You can’t miss the thing that hurt you the most in the world. Unless you are a masochist…..sometimes I wonder if I’m not borderline in that department. I think all women who have relationship woes wonder that about themselves at some point in time, usually just after yet another failed relationship….They ask themselves why they keep putting themselves out there to get hurt, why they attract and fall for men who don’t appreciate them….and why they stay day after day after day knowing that it’s never going to change.

Here’s my answers when I’ve questioned myself that way:

I keep putting myself out there because I believe that love is worthwhile….and I’m hopeful that someday I’ll eventually get it right.

Why do we attract the wrong men….because the wrong men although never meant to be long-term serve a purpose, they are a lesson we must learn…and until you learn the lesson, you’ll just keep repeating the class until you grasp it….we don’t love the pain these relationships cause, we just haven’t grasped the concept that there’s something more, something else out there for us.

And why do we stay…..because women are believers in the goodness in people….women want to believe that men can actually change if it’s for love, as if love is some magical thing that transforms the hearts of men into something that perhaps they never knew was possible….it’s a common misconception. We are all guilty of it…..and whether to stay or whether to leave it’s really all about finding that you are ready to take charge of your life and trusting that nagging feeling down deep that tells you what you should do. Confidence in your self and your abilities works wonders when you apply them to your love life. If you believe in something, you have to back up that belief with action.

I believe that I will find happiness…..the kind that wells up from deep inside. I’m not looking for a man to give that to me, because I don’t believe that is the duty of any man. The more important thing is….finding someone who doesn’t take away from your happiness. You’ll always wind up feeling short-changed if you go into a relationship looking for someone to make you happy….because you are the only person who can really make you happy…..everyone else either contributes or takes away…..and hopefully you’ll be able to distinguish the difference in the two when you are faced with it. And don’t get discouraged……I’m 28 and I’m still working on it. It’s kind of a process.

I just asked my magic 8-ball if I would ever find true happiness…it says…the signs point to yes…and friends….if the magic 8-ball says yes…well, that’s good enough for me! *wink and a smile*

Good night!

SNL

Tonight on Saturday Night Live the Killers performed. Two observations were made.

#1 – I have a sneaking suspicion that flannel shirts are trying to make a comeback

#2 – The drummer for the Killers looks a lot like that “Earl” fellah from that “My Name is Earl” show on NBC.

My View:

Quaint Little Church:

Apartment Pics:

My Bedroom:

Apartment Pictures:

Kitchen:

Apartment Pics:

My Beloved Computer and books and crap!

Apartment Pics:

Living room:

Apartment Pic #1

My front door and living room

Day Two:

10/01/06

Today I got up early and went with Steph to work at one of the fixer-uper houses of her dad’s. I worked my ass off too. Painting, tearing up carpet, removing two partial walls and then using a hammer and pry bar to tear up those little boards full of nails that hold the carpet down…..I came home around 3:00 tired, dirty and feeling like I accomplished something. Manual labor, while it’s not easy, is kind of amazing in it’s ability to satisfy the needs of the body.

Something new to report to you in regards to single people behavior…..

Since I don’t have a washer and dryer I’m going to be forced to start going to the laundry mat again. Yesterday with this in mind, I actually took a pair of jeans out of the dirty laundry basket and smelled them….yes, you heard me right, I did the smell test. For those of you who don’t know this….if something from the dirty laundry still smells okay…they are safe to wear ONE more time before writing them off until after laundry day! It’s funny the things you start to adjust to when you know that you have to make due with the little bit you have, you don’t have a hefty bank account behind you, you don’t have endless resources….you have you and the few nickels you have in your pocket. I wonder what I’ll do next, start shoving rolls and ketchup packets from restaurants into my purse to bring home with me? If I start doing that….someone shoot me! Thrifty is one thing, but I’m not going to wind up being the crazy ketchup lady anytime in the near future. No way Jose!

It’s amazing what not having cable or the internet will push you to do…..or in this case read through…..last night while rummaging through an old trunk of mine from a hundred years ago……I found a bunch of letters I’ve received from over the years….a few of them being from my old friend Ted. Ted was quite possibly one of the happiest and sweetest people I’ve ever had the pleasure to have known in my life. His letters were so full of hope and wisdom. He, like me, was a fan of the human spirit and people in general. He was a fan of me and I was a fan of him….and our letters to one another still hold a special place in my heart.

He once wrote to me: “When meeting new people, some part of every one is keepable. Some are wholly unkeepable but then, too, they are valuable because by process of elimination progress is still being made.”

Later in that same letter he went on to say: “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always had.”

I don’t know why I included that, I guess it was just what I was thinking about when I was painting and getting my hands dirty earlier today.

Well, I have to finish this up, I’m baking some pumpkin bread and I have to go check and make sure I’m not totally neglecting it. I bet you can all just imagine me wearing an apron with my hair in a bun baking away another glorious Sunday afternoon can’t you!!?? June Cleaver I am NOT! But, pumpkin bread…that I will soon have!

Okay so it’s 3:00 of Day one of solitary living. It’s quiet other than the trains that blast through town. My phone doesn’t ring as much here either….although, I think that’s just my imagination getting the best of me. Ah, speak of the Devil…..a train is rolling through as we speak. I don’t know why, but I just can’t bring myself to go back into my bedroom and unpack my clothes. Could be because I don’t have a place to place to put them all, or it could be just lack of motivation.

I really should do something more constructive than write this….like I should be getting my resume together for the job I want to apply for…it’s a reporter job for the Putnam County Sentinel….I figure if I HAVE to get a second job, I might as well shoot for something that maybe, just maybe I might enjoy and/or be good at. Granted I have zero experience with reporting on local news, BUT, I do have the desire to become good at it, and I think that’s more important sometimes when it comes right down to it. I’ll send in my resume, give er’ a shot and see what develops. It never hurts to try right!?! If the reporter thing doesn’t work out, my back up jobs as of right now consist of Lowe’s or Menard’s or the Family Video down the street. I DO have video store experience considering all through high school I worked at Video Connection. And nobody can take that away from me damnit! ;)

When I moved in here….there were some things left behind. I figured that it was normal for that to happen, people move on and can’t or don’t want to take everything with them….. I found out recently that it was a guy who lived here before me. He was about my age….single and worked in a chemical factory in the area. One day, after having the flu for several days, he went to the Dr. only to find out that he didn’t have the flu, he had cancer and it was all through his body. Within a month of his diagnosis he died.

He lived here alone and he died just like that. I have a dead man’s end table. His glasses are still in my cabinet and my television is sitting where his once did. I wonder if he was loved, I wonder if that last month of his life he wasn’t sitting here where I am now, he was living…..really truly living.

I’m not afraid of dying per se, I mean I’m not one to sit around and contemplate mortality all that often, here and there….yes I do, but I’m far from obsessive about it. I don’t know why the death of the stranger who resided here before me causes me to draw similarities in our lives. Maybe because we both called this place home. Maybe because we awoke staring at the same ceiling every morning. We both lived alone, we both were young and no matter what we know about life, at any given moment, with just what we suspect is a simple case of the flu, we could be handed a death sentence.

I hope I don’t die in this apartment alone, I hope a stranger doesn’t inherit my end table that I inherited from the stranger before me.

I tell you….I think I’ve been pent up in this apartment too long today…..too much alone time has turned me into quite the cheerful gal hasn’t it! If my friends or family read this…I have a feeling they are going to be worried about the state of my mental health. With that said….family and friends…..I’m not over here running with scissors or taking any sleeping pills before I go to bed….I’m alone, but I’m okay. Once I can afford some cable or the internet, I won’t be so prone to sit and contemplate life or death.