Bartering? Are you kidding me?

So today I'm at work right....typical Tuesday afternoon. All is well, I had just picked up a chili from Wendy's, I was enjoying my lunch when in walks a guy...just your average ole ordinary looking fella. Ball cap, medium height and build. Nothing indicating odd duck whatsoever.

His opening line is this: "I've never been in trouble with the law before...but...."

Which normally is where they tell me about the trouble they've gotten into....and then ask to see an attorney. But this guy was different, he went on to tell me he wanted to transfer some real estate to his son.

So I said: Oh, you need deed. We can help you with that.

Then he asked me what something like that would cost and I told him it would be a hundred dollars. He said....

"What about I give you sixty?"

I said: Our deeds are $100.00.

He said, "well the courthouse said maybe I could do one myself"...

and I said, "well, you are welcome to give it a go...but our deeds are $100.00"

Can you imagine walking into Wendy's and be like, see that cheeseburger right there, now I know it says that it's $2.99, but what do you say I give you $1.99 for it?

Since when did a law office become a garage sale with a list price of $100.00/deed - Or best offer?

He might as well offered me a bushel of apples and three roosters.

It was a ballsy move on his part, but a seriously uncouth one at that. PEOPLE! What are ya gonna do with 'em?!?

How Pathetic:

So I'm a big Sex in the City Fan. Yes, many of you are probably sick of hearing me say it. But I am, it's true and I can't help it.

So anyway, in one episode of SITC, the girls are talking and they mention this book called "The Rules". It's a very "Charlotte" way of thinking in regards to dating. Prim and Proper if you will.

Anyway, so I'd often wondered what this book was about, but then I kind of forgot about it until Chuck and Emily came to visit me and she said in the course of a conversation about how she and Chuck met and fell in love, that she was a "Rules Girl"...and I was like..."a what?"

And then she went on to tell me about this book and how it's "THE RULES" of dating. Now, I'm no expert in dating or anything, far be it for me to say I have market on relationship advice cornered, so naturally, I found myself curious...I wanted to know what other women know, that I so obviously didn't...

So I went to the library, pulled it up on the computer to pinpoint it's exact location and I made way. I found the book easily and quick, tossed in into my clutches and then thought I'd do some browsing of the area while I was there....Next to "The Rules" was "Dating for Dummies", "How to find the man of your dreams, or keep the one you got" by Dr. Phil. And all the sudden, this little red book in my hands now seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. This little book had become a panic attack in my hands. My mind was racing..."what if someone sees me in this aisle?" I can't be seen in the presence of "Dating for Dummies"...Jesus, is there an exit around there somewhere? A bead of sweat now beginning to form on my forehead....

So I quickly moved down a section to the cookbook section and thought..."whew, I'm safe, nobody will suspect me of being a "dating dummy" here!!!" So I figured, what the heck, I'm always looking for new recipes, I'm just going to grab one of these too.

So I did. I made my way to the checkout, I'm feeling pretty confident, after all, the cookbook will serve as a buffer away from the Rules....sort of how when a girl goes to buy personal hygiene products she'll also buy a gallon of skim milk, or a dude buying condoms might also buy a pack of gum....

Okay, so I lay my books on the counter and that's when I realized that the cookbook I picked said "One Dish Meals"....which SCREAMS of pathetic single girl or crazy cat lady.....and my Rules book said "Time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right"...but it was too late, my cards, or in this case "books" had been laid on the table, and there was no going back. I then I watched as the Librarian grasped my books, scanned my card and then scanned my single self while giving me the sympathetic head tilt that screamed ...."So....looks like we got another single white female on our hands!" I mean, MEALS FOR ONE?!?!?!?!?! HOW TO FIND MR. RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!....*sighs*....what did I expect really?

So what did I do, I went home, cooked myself a meal for one and read the Rules. So far, the only thing I've managed to really grasp, is that while I may only be cooking for one, I make great fish on the grill....and according to the rules, I've apparently been going about this whole "relationship" thing all wrong.....ALL WRONG.

But that's OK, because I'm not looking for Mr. Right, but I figure in case someday I come across one who might make me change my mind, can't hurt to have a decent weapon in my arsenal. Like having an umbrella in your car, just on the off chance you find yourself stuck in the pouring rain.

{Emily, and by no means do I think YOU are pathetic for suggesting this book.....I mean, it worked for you, and you have Mr. Amazing Chuck.....so take it as a compliment that I want to know the secret to you guys' success, because true love AND marriage is nearing the point of non-existence in this world. To me, you guys are like a rare thing that I must research in order to fully understand your seemingly effortless display of love and respect for one another.}

I don't want to jinx it...BUTTTTTT......

Last Friday night I went and took some pictures at the St. John's High School football scrimmage. I did it for my cousin Kyle, because he helped me move and I really wanted to do something nice for him to repay him for all the hard work he did for me.

So I went to the game, shot some shots, had a great time hanging out with my cousin and now friend Kami and her husband Kevin...and then like the eager little photo-beaver I am, I went home had a look at the fruits of my labor and found I got a couple keeper shots. Not as many good ones as I would of liked, but all in all, good stuff.

So I posted them on the photoblog as well as gave access to Kami and Kyle for their viewing pleasure. Of course they were loaded up to a couple myspace pages and shown to people here and there.....and then it happened. A complete stranger called me and hired me to do some photography for them. I almost wasn't able to do it due to the fact that I had a prior engagement, but after some discussion with Darren in regards to our hazy camping plans, he said, forget camping, go do this! So I called the lady back today and told her as luck would have it, I'm now available.

I wanted to tell you all sooner, because I've been really excited about it all week....I've been thrilled to know that some crazy lunatic thinks I might be good enough to get paid to do this....this being that which I love. But don't worry, I'm not letting this go to my head...I realize that it's probably totally random and could lead basically to one paycheck and that's it, but if only for just one second.....I can dare to dream that maybe I'm good at this, maybe I'm good enough to someday DO this.....well, no matter what happens, just having that flare for life that only comes upon the wings of a dream....well, I'll take it...even if it's only for just one solitary moment. For dreams and dreamers are few and far between in this world, in my world.

Now, all I need is six more jobs just like this, and I'll be able to afford the new digital SLR camera my heart has been pining away for, for what seems like an eternity.

I mean, seriously, if my red head is going to travel all the way to Italy...I can't show up with anything less than the best to capture the experience. Ya gotta go big, or stay home...that's what "they" say anyway.

"The Skirt" made me do it.....really, it did!!

So the other day me and Brooke went to the mall for a little pre-dinner-pre-birthday shopping. Naturally, we split up, cause all women know you can cover twice as much ground on your own without constantly being asked..."what do you think of this"....us women reserve that kind of thing for when there's a specific outfit that needs purchasing, not just random afternoon browsing.

Anyway, So Brooke goes to Deb's a store I don't believe i have shopped in since I was like 17, and i gave her a round of hell about shopping in a store where all the clothes are made for 12 year olds....and she said "whatever"...and walked away from me with a smile. When I wound up down there to find her later, I realized that they had done away with their boy's line and put in a woman's section. So I thought, I'll just browse a bit until i locate Brooke who must have been in the dressing room because I couldn't seem to find her.

Ok, so there I was shopping in a store I normally hate, I'm looking at clothes previously unavailable to a curvy girl such as myself...and that's when i saw it...the skirt I always wanted. Well, I wanted it when I was a sophomore in high school....my friend April's mom made her a skirt like it, and she let me borrow it, and i loved it, however i could never find one to purchase for myself.

So when i saw it, and tried it on, and realized it fit perfectly, i decided I had to have it. Sure I'd probably never wear it out, and it was pretty much just a novelty item for my closet...but a girl just needs frivolous things sometimes.

So I paired it with knee high socks and a white blouse and viola, i had the perfect school girl outfit. Am I too old for it....yes...probably...but is it fun to know that whenever/if ever i have a boyfriend again that I can be his naughty little schoolgirl to spice up a rather dull work-week....YESSSSSSS IT IS!!

Kind of makes my next relationship one worth looking forward to....don'tcha think?!

For all you married ladies out there....i urge you, to go your local deb's store, get yourself this little sexy skirt....maybe do some pigtail braids, or an updo with a sultry librarian look complete with sweater vest...I bet your man will be offering to help do the dishes....and YOU every night the rest of the week!

See, I may not know a lot....but I do have the kind of mind that will get you and keep you in the best kind of trouble....and you just CAN'T go wrong with "naughty schoolgirl"....fifty thousand male Brittney Spears fans can't be wrong.

~hl~

The Pursuit of Happiness:

Since when did "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" become grounds for attacking someone? Well, what I SHOULD say, is when did it become justifiable grounds for righteous indignation from the likes of Rosanne Barr?

Now, I'll admit, I used to like Roasanne's show....and I even didn't think she should have been crucified over that whole baseball deal with her grabbing her crotch....but I read an article today of her trashing Angelina Jolie because she said she liked John McCain.

Here's the quotes from the article:

"Evil spawn Angelina Jolie and her vacuous hubby Brad Pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more,"

"Also Miss Jolie says she likes McCain too and hasn't decided who to endorse....huh? Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the African daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the Republican party's worldwide economic assault on Africa over the last few decades since Reagan?"

"Or that matter, the Thai and Vietnamese sons you are photo'd with weekly too!!!? Who's pictures you sell to raise money to help the poor? Their families are victims of America' s right wing military incursions too,"

"It might be good for your Asian and African children's self esteem to know you support [Barack Obama] for the leader of the free world,"

Okay, now.....first of all, who made Rosanne the end all be all of political rightness in America?

Don't we all have a right to vote as we wish? Oprah backs Obama, Caroline Kennedy....Maria Shriver....c'mon, and people are worried that Angelina Jolie is going to rock the boat if she endorses McCain?

I don't care if Oprah likes Obama, I don't care if Angelina likes McCain. I don't care what Brad Pitt does, I don't care what Rosanne THINKS is the RIGHT thing for this country. Democracy allows us the right to choose. To be self informed, or misinformed, but it's our constitutional right to choose. And honestly, if you are going to choose a candidate based on the fact that Oprah says so, or Angelina is "doing it"....than you should be ashamed of yourself as an American citizen and not vote if that's all you are going on. The political process, sure, it's crap sometimes. There's a lot to follow when trying to keep up with presidential elections, and we all tend to fall short of being the "perfect citizen" in this life, however......picking a president, choosing someone to lead this country is an honor, and one shouldn't pick a team based on the cheerleaders.

I mean, would you be a Dallas Cowboys fan just because their cheer squad looks good in those little outfits that accentuate their T&A? Noooooooo...you wouldn't.

If Angelina want's to adopt little orphaned kids and donate money to the poor, what the heck is wrong with THAT? Rosanne, if you want to vote for Obama and grab your crotch while introducing America's passtime...go right ahead....I'm just saying that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

And besides, Roseanne, c'mon.....the woman hasn't the best track record for being a picture of class and moral high ground....why on earth she'd get so bent out of shape over what Angelina Jolie is doing is beyond me.

I think our lives are best gauged by our actions, not our words. If you want to go head to head with the Jolie-Pitts in world wide goodwill, I'm thinking you might lose. I guess one has to be careful when picking and chosing their battles. Battle of wits, sure, you have some big guns...battle of goodwill, kindness and do-gooding...eh, not so much.

I guess I'm most confused about what Roseanne's mad about...is she mad because Angelina's married to Brad? That she donates 3 million dollars to the poor? That they adopt orphans? She might endorse McCain? She's photographed with her children? What's the real issue that brought this rant about anyway? I mean, you don't come out calling someone "Evil Spawn" for nothing....

Look, here's the thing, we all have to vote our conscious....Roseanne, you vote yours...let the rest of us worry about ours.

~hl~

Sorry for getting political....

BUT.......

I can't help it, I saw this video as it was posted on AOL.com this morning in their news section captioned "Limbaugh blames Mrs. Edwards"....and to finish the sentence they didn't...."for affair"....

I was like "oh no he didn't!!"....but yeah, he kinda did.

to quote him accurately from "Countdown with Keith Olbermann", he said...."maybe John Edwards is attracted to a women who's mouth did something other than talk..."

Oh, ok, first of all that's not newsworthy knowledge....Oh, look out, breaking news, "GUYS LIKE GETTING HEAD!!"....wow! Reeeeeeally? Thanks Rush, I had no idea, better get out there and give some head ladies, otherwise when you find yourself stricken with cancer, your husband will go have a affair because you talk too much and blow too little.

I don't know, I suppose if I were dying, I might have a lot of stuff to say before I go. Blow jobs really wouldn't be on my mind as much as my Husband's presidential bid, or my young children, or whatever knowledge I feel the need to pass on before I pass on.

Anyway, here's the video, Keith Olbermann is obviously emotionally involved here....and while our parent's generation loves a good news story where the anchor is starch, solemn and detached, I like a good tongue lashing antagonistic rant from time to time from my news men and women.

whether you agree or disagree, whether you are democrat, independent or republican....take a look at the video, let me know what YOU think. Think the article was captioned correctly? Was Rush blaming Edwards' wife for her husband's infidelity? Is he a blowhole with no boundaries, or a visionary on human nature?

You watch, you decide for yourself:

IBS ( A testimonial)

{Warning, this might be TMI for some of you!}

For those of you who could hear the term "IBS" and not automatically know what it stands for, it stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which is a functional bowel disorder.


Now, IBS is not easily diagnosed, since there is no specific laboratory or imaging test which can be performed to diagnose it. The exact cause of IBS is unknown, although it can sometimes present after after an infection or a stressful life event. The most common theory is that IBS is a disorder of the interaction between the brain and the gut, although there may also be abnormalities in the gut flora or the immune system.

There are probably a great deal of people in the world who suffer from IBS, but have never been diagnosed and have not started a treatment program. And let me tell you from experience that while you don't suffer everyday from IBS, when you have a bout with it, it kicks your ass! LITERALLY!! The pain is unbearable. The stomach cramps...having a toilet not be an inanimate object in your bathroom, but a ball and chain that you can't free yourself from....it's horrible.

Imagine if you will that you are sitting at a nice restaurant, having dinner with your friends, or some business associates and your stomach starts rumbling, loudly I might add, you instantly break out into a sweat and you KNOW that you only have a small window of time to get yourself OUT OF PUBLIC, and to somewhere where you can curl into the fetal position until it passes. An IBS attack is an out and out war on your intestines, complete with heavy fire power, air support and weapons of mass destruction just to make sure total devestation is achieved.

When I was a kid, if I ate broccoli or cauliflower, I'd be deathly ill in about 15-20 minutes upon consumption. I always thought I was like allergic to it or something, but now, as an adult, I realize that I'm not allergic, it's just my trigger for IBS. That and fajitas and sometimes greasy pizza, depending on the sauce. Pizza hut pizza used to make me really sick, but now it doesn't, so either they changed their recipe, or by taking a few years off from their food somehow made my body adapt to it.

Anyway....I just wanted to tell you, for anyone who suffers from these episodes as I know many of you do (my sisters, my cousins, Jen....my aunt...and even one of my friend's husbands) I started taking probiotics, which are a dietary supplement containing potentially beneficial bacteria or yeast. Strains of the genera Lactobacillus and Bifidobacterium, are the most widely used probiotic bacteria. Probiotic bacterial cultures are intended to assist the body's naturally occurring gut flora, an ecology of microbes, to re-establish themselves. They are sometimes recommended by doctors, and, more frequently, by nutritionists, after a course of antibiotics, or as part of the treatment for gut related candidiasis. Claims are made that probiotics strengthen the immune system to combat allergies, excessive alcohol intake, stress, exposure to toxic substances, and other diseases. (Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Probiotic)

I use a general probiotic that I picked up in the vitamin / supplement section at Wal-mart, however I know for more severe cases, a couple people I know have had really great success in using Probiotic Acidophilus Supplements from which they ordered online.

If you experience abdominal pain or discomfort in association with frequent diarrhea and/or constipation, a change in bowel habits, feelings of urgency for bowel movements, a feeling of incomplete evacuation, bloating or abdominal distention, you may suffer from IBS.

As always its recommended to see a doctor about medical issues you may experience, and NOT take random advice from some random blogger like me, however, if you wanted to start on a probiotic regimen, unless you are allergic to them, there really shouldn't be any harm in it. It's no different than eating large quantities of yogurt in my opinion.

So if you suffer, and you want to just give it a try, see what ya think. Maybe it'll work for you as it has me and my friends and family members who have tried this non-evasive treatment option.

if you do and it works, the lower half of your body with thank you....

Wow, there's something to this body language thing....

So today on msn, they have this article entitled: 5 Signs He's Into You, by Chelsea Kaplan


and I thought about last weekend when I met that guy who gave me his business card, we'll call him....uh....costaki.


Thursday night when I met Costaki, he was leaning in to talk closely to me, he turned his back to his friends, when I sat down and there wasn't a chair open for him to sit in, he actually kneeled beside my chair to talk to me, every time I went outside with Mel to smoke, he too came along. He opened the door for me, lit my cigarette for me, and every time I looked his direction, he was already looking at me, smiling. There were many things to pick up on body language-wise before he ever gave me his phone number that night....and according to this article the five ways to know a guys digging you are:


1. He closes the distance

2. He speaks softly (or directly and only to you)

3. He rounds his posture (appears comfortable)

4. He talks slowwwly

5. He can't take his eyes off you (in a good way)


That was Thursday, now lets flash forward to Sunday when I saw him again.


He didn't stand anywhere near me, he wouldn't make eye contact with me, he kept his head down or looking away, even when I was talking to him. When we all ate at McDonald's, he didn't sit near me, or even look up one single time from his meal, and only spoke to his friend HT. He was anything BUT the nice, thoughtful, pleasant fellow I met just a few days prior.


At the time all this was happening, I knew something was up. I knew something had changed...I wondered if I just looked prettier in the dark, or perhaps I looked prettier in the dark AND with a couple beers in him....but I didn't think that was it...my self confidence won't let me have those kind of thoughts for more than a minute or two....


Now, back to the article, here are the five signs a dude is NOT into you:


1. He's four feet away

2. He stands at an oblique angle facing you "

3. He sounds like that guy in accounting (all business)

4. He stares at your mouth (no eye contact)

5. He's out of sync with your body language


and once again, the article rings true....


It's kind of a comfort to know I wasn't reading him wrong. Maybe after all this, I've actually started to pick up on some of this shit, and I've made some progress over the years.


I think a lot of women and even men sometimes make things too complicated. They make excuses for other people's behavior...and they try to pretend things are the way they WANT them to be, instead of how they really are. Most of the time, people will tell you exactly what they mean though a combination of body language AND their words. You just have to be willing to accept that along the way, a guy might just want sex from you, a guy just might be temporarily lonley, a guy might spend time with you, knowing all the while, he thinks he can do better than you. And vice versa with the guy being the girl.


People involve themselves with others for a multitude of reasons, and we as humans can be quite selfish at times. Just for a little example, say a guy needed a date for some event he has coming up, he's the kind of guy that doesn't like going stag, so he invites you out a couple times prior to, ya know, building a little relationship up first before asking you for the BIG date....also then he can tell others you two have been dating for a couple weeks, rather than a couple days. He invites you to the event, you go, it's great, you think you've really hit things outta the ballpark, all the while, he's cooling and saying "Whew, glad THAT'S over with for another year!"... Now here's two people who are in the same relationship, but who's motives are far from being in tune. If it's a wedding he's going to take her to, she's thinking...wow, he must really like me to bring me to a wedding where I'll meet his friends and family, when in reality, he just doesn't want to face his friends and family ALONE at a wedding.


Now lots of people have done this. Weddings and class reunions are typically the kind of things single folks don't want to go to alone. But don't beat yourself up about it if you find yourself in the role of the insta-date or insta-relationship. It happens to the best of us.


My friend D recently started dating a girl and he told me the hardest thing for him to do, is to keep a safe distance. When he's into someone, he can't just keep it casual, keep it low key. He gets those flutter feelings and finds himself giddy at the sight of her on his caller I.D. and on cloud nine when he's with her. Now I try and tell him to take deep breaths and remember that she's JUST A WOMAN. But she's not JUST A WOMAN to him, she's so much more. She's what excites him, makes him smile, gives him butterflies...soooooo NOT JUST a woman. *laughs*


This girl he's seeing throws some mixed signals out there, but from what he tells me, her body language is as green as go. So I continue to encourage him to pursue. Sometimes our minds will make us say things in an effort to be careful, but body language is really hard to hide.


So, the point is, before you rule anything out based on a bad conversation, or a luke warm comment, remember to use all the information that's available to you...get in there and get physical and see if the words ring true.


And lets all be rooting for D shall we, that guy's putting his best foot forward and fearlessly going where only few men have gone before him....Go get em' tiger!

~hl~

to read the full article, go to: http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=8860743&GT1=32023

It's not Morgan's week.....

The man just gets out of the hospital today, and that's when the story breaks that he and his wife of 24 years are getting a divorce. As if it wasn't bad enough that he got in a car crash while driving someone else's car, namely his "female friend" as they are calling her....he was said to have fallen asleep at the wheel, and then flown to a hopsital...underwent surgery to repair the damages ...and then....the whole world has to find out that his marriage is toast...

It's not as bad as Hulk Hogan finding out his wife filed for divorce from a journalist who was interviewing him.....but it's still pretty shitty.

For the record, I absolutely love this 71 year old actor. And have since he played next to Kevin Costner in "Robin Hood"....there is just something about this down to earth actor that makes you love him. From his love of music and the south, to his little freckles, to the fact that even when he's a "bad guy" on screen, you sometimes just don't buy it, even when he's acting his ass off to convince you otherwise! *laughs*

If you haven't seen "Feast of Love" staring this dashing young man, go rent it...it's a nice little film that I think you'll enjoy.

Anyway, here's wishing you well Mr. Freeman....best of luck with your recovery and your legal drama.

Online Friends & Ax Murderers

A lot of people don't understand it, many people warn me against it, while others shake their head at me like I'm out of my ever lovin mind. The topic of course being online friends.

Yes, there is a certain amount of risk involved when you open yourself up to the world of the world wide web, but for someone of limited means, I cannot travel to the four corners of the world physically....well not yet anyway....so in the meantime, virtually I CAN.

I have friends from all over, Iowa, Florida, West Virginia, Rome/Italy, Alabama, New Jersey, all over Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee and the UK. Now without my trusty computer, none of these relationships would be possible.

My hometown "responsible" friends tell me that they worry about me, and that I have to be careful so that someday it won't be one of my Internet friends that delivers me to meet my maker, BUT, I am happy to report another success story brought to you courtesy of the world wide web.

If you've been to my myspace page you will know him as "BigHeadChuck", "BHC" for short. However, there's nothing "short" about Chuck, because he's a tall drink of water that one! lol He's tall, he's blonde and he's southern. Tonight BHC came all the way from Alabama with his beautiful wife Em, and their two little boys here to Delphos to meet me. Granted they have a family reunion to attend in Ohio which was their primary reason for traveling, but they came out of their way, hours out of their way to venture on over to meet me.

I mowed the grass, I picked up the yard, swept the floor and everything! I was trying to make a good first impression, but leave it to my dog to totally embarrass me and piss all over my shoes and the rug as soon as I brought him up from the basement! Damn Dog!! Grrrrrrrrrr....

Anyway, so Chuck is every bit as funny and lovable in real life as he is online. His wife Em, who I've not had the pleasure of thoroughly getting to know yet, was an absolute delight. The room was buzzing with all that blonde hair and southern accents, it was such a nice visit. Plus we had "Jack's" Hawaiian Pizza which made it all the better. I thought Hawaiian pizza was fitting considering Chucks little boy kept telling people he was going to OHawaii...instead of OHIO!!

Chuck and Em's two little boys were so polite and adorable. They called me "MissHeather" and "Ma'am" and although I was still in Delphos, I felt like they transformed my living room into a front porch in the deep south...equipped with a porch swing and a hound dog sleeping on the top step....

I only had them for a couple hours, but I was genuinely sad to see them go. Their quirky banter, witty charm, funny stories and just general warmth was a welcomed presence in an average old ordinary Ohio or in this case...Ohawaii, work week.

So another success story.....and I wasn't chopped in a million pieces and stuffed into garbage bags...all in all, a pretty swell time it was!

~hl~

Brutha James Says:

"LIFE'S A BLAST BUT IT DON'T LAST SO LIVE IT LONG AND LIVE IT FAST" ~bro~

after the earlier events/comments of this week, it's been brought to my attention that some of you may think I'm flushing my life down the toilet....

I'm making bad decisions, and "fucking up my life"....but hey, I'm just doing what the brutha told me...

I'm living life, I'm flying, falling; failing and coming out on top occasionally, but I'm fucking living....don't you dare look down your nose at me for doing what you yourself would not...I'm not you, and you're not me...and there's a reason for that.

They say ignorance is bliss, but understanding and acceptance without judgment is a gift, that you are an angel to give, and blessed to receive. (that's one of mine) ~hl~

Thanks for the card....*rips it up and tosses it*

Now before I even begin, let me start by saying that I'm not bitter....lol

So I met the cute kind of dorky guy at the bar on Thursday night...and he asked me out.... and I'm all like... he's good on paper right?! He has a job, doesn't live with his mother, he has a car, probably insurance .... his teeth are white, his hair is freshly washed.... and did I mention he doesn't have any kids, he's never been married and seems completely sweet and sincere? Yeah, perfect example of a good on paper guy.

The thing however that you don't know about the good on paper guy, is WHY is THIS good on paper guy still single at 34. Is it the haircut that's a bit shaggy? The white sock with brown shoes? The Hawaiian-esque button up shirts that he wears? Or is it something ELSE?!?!?!?! {INSERT SCARY PSYCHO MOVIE MUSIC HERE}

So I get to research this little good on paper project when I'm helping my friend Mel move on Sunday, he too is there. I'm like...oh, ok...lets see how he is when he's NOT drinking, it's broad daylight, and I'm NOT wearing that sexy red top that has the off the shoulder neckline.

On this occasion, he's distant, quiet and totally standoffish. I ask my buddy Darren, what's up with that? He says, maybe he's shy, and I'm like...Noooo, it was something else, I could feel it.

Of course Darren tries to reassure me...that I'm totally desirable and he'd be crazy not to like me.....and all those super great things your very best friends will tell you if they think you are doubting yourself....

Then this morning, the text I knew was coming....Arrived.

it's from Mel, she tells me...FYI, good on paper guy got back with his ex-not good on paper girlfriend. Just thought you should know. Sorry.

and just like that, another business card finds its way to the bottom of a cold and dark trash can...never to be seen or heard from again.

So long good on paper guy, thanks for the memories I will cherish them always.....uh....wait....I'm sorry...what, what was your name again? It started with an "M" right?

times doesn't heal all wounds....sarcasm does.

~hl~

Summer of uncertainty...

This summer has been fucked up. I started the summer out "in love" with "Harry".... planning a future with him and his bald head...thinking about the cruise we said we'd go on, the movies we intended on seeing together, and seeing myself the way he saw me. It had me feeling that there was hope, life and love after divorce. That it IS possible to get back on the horse that bucked you and put faith in commitment and all that crap. Aside from one other person since me and Keith split.... nobody had me walking so fearlessly into "relationship territory".... then came the crazy break up, the feeling like shit, being accused of things that were insanely created without any foundation whatsoever, which was then followed by me kicking myself for believing that relationships are what we should all aspire to get into....and realizing that being alone was a million times better than the madness I had just mistaken for love.... it wasn't love, it was some really great kisses, intense stares, followed by imaginary commonality, hand holding, laughter, hot sex and an occasional dinner and/or movie. I wanted to love him. I wanted to have my friend be my lover and my lover be my friend.

Then came the moving, the life change of giving up the sanctuary of my home to try something new...here...and doing so WITH someone new...a roommate.... a dog ..... keys to a house where only 1/2 the stuff in it belongs to me. I'm doing the fucking dishes, I'm mowing the yard and color coding my closet... and all the while I'm like... "what the FUCK is happening to me here???!!!???"

I once wrote a poem entitled "who are you?"...it was one of the ones that was published...and it was about a guy I had once fallen for...a guy who was perpetually changing, always shifting and morphing from one thing to the next. It's hard to love a guy who doesn't know who he is, and it's really hard loving a guy who doesn't know who he is when you are a girl who's still searching to find herself. There are times, in the last two months that have had me asking myself, "Who are you?"

I've found out in this life... well in MY life specifically that there is no even keel with me, it's all or nothing, hot or cold, total chaos...or dead silence. If I meet one guy..I meet four more the same week. If I have one thing go wrong, ten more are soon to follow. If I were to get a tattoo to mostly sum up my life, one that would be very fitting is "When it rains it pours!" And it's not necessarily just in the bad, but also the good. If I were to get a new job offer, the same week I'd probably win a free shopping spree or something. I'm constantly surprised by my amazingly good AND bad fortune...and how easily I sometimes mistake bad, for good fortune. That's the real kick to the head in all of this. I could get all excited about something and be like "THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME!!"... and two weeks later be going.."I WISH LIKE HELL THAT HAD NEVER HAPPENED".... and vise versa with bad luck. I bitch and moan about the shitty hand life had dealt me, and three years later I realize it was the best bad luck I ever had the fortune of experiencing. It's like ying and yang, upside down, backwards and inside out over here.

I thought moving here was going to be "the ticket"..."the answer" to my situation....turns out...eh, not so much. I thought I'd found "the one" when I married Keith...only to find out... hmmmm... *sigh* ..... yeah, he wasn't. I sure am wrong a lot...

Since "Harry", I've kept to myself. I've not went out much... I've been so busy with moving and working non-stop that I've become a shadow... not quite bitter, but not optimistic either. But Thursday night, my good friend Melissa invited me out to a bar. Yeah, I went to a bar on a "school night"...and some dude gave me his number. A cute guy I'd never before seen or spoke to, but after an hour or so of chatter... there he was giving me his business card and telling me that if I'd ever like to go out, to just call... and he'd love to take me...

and just like that.... I didn't feel like hiding anymore....like being invisible me. Is he "the one".... *laughs* ...don't ask ME! I haven't a clue, right now he's a guy who's business card is in my purse, he could be bad, he could be good and he could always be a business card.... a dude I once met, but can't seem to remember his name.... or what we spoke of..... but ya gotta love those moments... when someone you don't know from Adam looks your way and doesn't look away. When someone takes notice in you, you are forced to realize that maybe you are someone worth seeing.

there are days when it's hard not to doubt that.... but lucky for me, today is not that day...

~hl~