So what, I'm looking for one that's "juuuuuuuuuuust right".
Goldie Locks is a very misunderstood character...people thought she was all selfish, she wanted it all....while tasting everything until she found what she was looking for...but how do we ever REALLY know what it is we are looking for, if we never try and find it, test theories, test waters...and see if what we've found, or think we found is what we thought it is we wanted?
Goldie Locks wasn't a spoiled high maintenance un-pleasable bitch...she was a smart girl who knew the value of trial and error...and perseverance. She knew eventually that porridge would reach the right temperature...she knew that there was a bed out there that she'd find comfortable....
So...I hung out with Mr. Comfortable last weekend. We had it set up to watch a movie on Friday night. I was comfortable with that....and so after work on Friday, we hit the RedBox at the Delphos McDonalds, grabbed "Sex Drive" which I'd already seen, but he hadn't and I knew he'd like it, so I didn't mind watching it again....come to think of it, I could watch it right now and still enjoy it...(funny movie)..anyway....so we watched the movie, there was some cuddling on the couch as we watched....which had me wondering, why does this feel so effortless? I can cuddle right up to him...not stomach butterflies, no sweaty palms, no worrying. Being with him is virtually stress free. I'm not used to this....is comfort a sign of goodness....or do you need the butterflies and sweaty palms to gauge attraction?
So anyway, I decide to test my theory after the movie was over, and when he put on a soft music CD which was playing in the back ground...I moved from our spooning position, and turned to face him...which lead to kissing, then touching...(all over top of clothes) as that was my one rule to this experiment...the kisses there in the dark were pleasant, I was delighted to discover he and I shared the same kissing style...NOT ALL TONGUE. I'm not a fan of a lot of tongue. A little..sensually = good. Full out tonsil hockey...ick!
Ok, so the kisses were good, there seemed to be a building sexual tension...so I'm thinking to myself, maybe I COULD date him.....hmmmmmmm....could I? Should I?
But then I stopped short of anything really happening, and decided I didn't want this to go any further...I really DID want to take things slow...and things were bordering on dangerous territory. So we stopped making out like high schoolers and talked.
And then I left him on the couch to sleep...and I went to my room and to sleep as well.
The next day, he hung out....we ate lunch, watched some of a movie....then he left around Oh, four or so. So at this point we'd been together since six O'clock the previous day at work until now, which was ALMOST 24 hours.
After he was gone, I went to talk to Kami across the street, tell her about the experience of having a 24 hour date...and I wasn't over there very long before the text came in from him, saying he wanted to know if it was alright to come back later and "hang out"....I crinkled my nose...especially when I read the last portion of his text that said "that is, unless you are sick of me already ;) ) What was I supposed to say..."Yeah, i'm sick of you, please don't come by!"
So I told him if he wanted to, he was welcome to come by, but that I might have some people over....about dark time, he was back. Jim & Jennifer and Tonia and myself were having a nice breezy chat on my front porch when he arrived. The night was spent sharing stories, laughing hysterically at Tonia's wild tales...and then when everyone left, it was he and I again. Alone. And it dawned on me that I didn't want to kiss him. I felt as if I was being repelled. Not intentionally, but like by my very nature or something.
He again intended on staying the night, which I was clued in on when i saw he brought an overnight bag...and he'd had a couple beers from my refrigerator.
So again, there we were on my couch...spooning, but this time I didn't turn to explore, i fell asleep...and so did he. At daybreak, I escaped his embrace and scurried to my bedroom where I slept a while longer.
Around ten thirty, I awoke to my co-worker Willy mowing at the neighbors. I let the dog out....stretched my legs, smoked a cigarette on the front porch, waved at Willy....and went to see if my couchmate was awake. He was.
He asked what my plans were for the day and I told him I was going to mow my grass....and next thing you know, he was offering to mow FOR me, and I was like.....seriously, you don't have to earn your keep, I can mow my grass later, it's hot out, don't mow my grass...I'll get it later.
Then he went outside to smoke...or so I thought, next thing ya know....there he is in the back yard mowing and weed whacking....to his hearts content. I don't know why, but it didn't sit right with me, I was like..."Why is he mowing my yard? I asked him not to!" So I go outside and bring him a bottle of water, as he was sweating profusely in the what seemed like summer heat. He looked all proud of how great the fresh cut grass looked, but all I could see was that he mowed over my flowers that had sprouted but not yet bloomed. He says, "how's it look?" and I couldn't help it, I said "it looks great except for the fact you mowed over all my flowers"...he looked panic stricken....he was like.."Whhhaaat?!?!?" "Where, I didn't see any" he professed.
I just sighed, and said: "it doesn't matter, they'll grow back....probably.....I hope."
So after the lawn mowing, he was outside talking to Willy, which made Willy give me a look like "girlfriend...what's the downlow on this?!" As Willy is a handsome 40 year old black man who I wasn't sure about when I first started working with him, but has fastly became my new work friend who always makes me laugh....but I saw the look he was giving me...inquisitive, as if he was interrogated me with his one raised eyebrow.
Then my couchmate was across the street, with his hood of his car open, and my neighbor and cousin-in-law Kevin was outside peering at car engines...I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Like everywhere I looked my life was getting entangled with him. He was in my yard mowing, he was on my couch sleeping, he was in my refrigerator grabbing a beer, he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth....the room started to spin and I started to freak the eff out! Dramatic, but true. I felt like i couldn't breathe there for a minute, and knew that Kami must of felt my anguish when she texted me to indicate she saw all the "manly activity" going on over at my place.
He finally left mid afternoon....making what was supposed to be a movie date into a weekend slumber party, lawn mowing extravaganza.....I was relieved when he didn't try to kiss me, just hugged me instead....and even more relieved when I closed the door behind him and it was just me again.
See Goldie Locks was home alone. Free to try things and move on. But I felt like I was no longer trying the porridge, or testing the bed, the porridge and the beds were testing me....and they brought their overnight bags and moved into my "happy place"...my "refuge"...my "home".....
*sighs*....
I'm waiting for something that's juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust right....and this, well, as I stare at my mowed over flower remains...it just didn't fit...it didn't feel right.
I want the butterflies and sweaty palms I guess....
So naturally I sent him an e-mail the following day expressing my unreadiness for a relationship, something I told him ever so clearly when he gave me that flower back in February, but I felt there was nothing more I could do then to put back up that section of fence that I had allowed him to cross over....
He took it well, and said he's cherish our weekend together forever...as if it were just a very pleasant dream he once had. Then he told me that it's a shame that no flowers would be allowed to bloom because the soil had been exploited before the seed could take root.
I guess I'm what you'd call bad potting soil....nothing blooms, nothing grows...just rotten seeds...wasted cultivation.
