Emma's Video Debut:

Just Another Charity Case:

This year one of my bosses adopted a needy family for Christmas. You know the deals where you get a list of things a family needs and you can go and shop and make sure that they don't go without getting anything on Christmas...I thought it was a really respectable thing to do. I wish I could do more things like that myself....


Well the other night....I realized...that I've been adopted as a needy family of one....and I didn't even realize it until yesterday. Well, I'll be honest...I suspected it....but now I know....I'm a walking charity case.

Yesterday I get this e-mail from my friend Jim....he says..."Do you Like Ham?" I write back: "Yeah, who doesn't?"

He tells me that his mom had made this really big ham and they can't eat it all...so if I wanted some, he'd bring it over to my house that evening. Sounded good to me I thought. Jim came over last night bringing me a ham wrapped in foil....and I asked him if his mom (my high school librarian) knew it was for me....he said..."Yeah, I told her that Heather never had any food, so we should give some to you!" And that's when it hit me.....that exact moment. I had flashbacks of all the other people who have helped me out lately....my boss loans me a heater...Steph is always going out of her way for me....Jim's mom...whom I haven't seen in like 10 years is sending ham to my house....*big sigh*

I can not wait until I'm back on my feet again. Until I can be the one doing things and giving to others....it kills me inside to know that I NEED help every now and then. Granted....I haven't had to borrow money from a single soul....nor would I ever ask anyone for that....I'd sell everything I own worth anything before I'd ask for money...but still.....it's the little things that people have offered me that makes a difference in my life. Those little acts of kindness and giving that has made my quality of life rich even when my bank account is anything but.

I'm no stranger to being borderline poor.....I mean....growing up...I was one of the "free school lunch" recipients more years than I care to admit to....my parents raised four kids on the commission we'd get from the auctions we had only six times a year. SIX TIMES A YEAR!! Talk about having to budget! I always believed that if I worked hard enough I could have a life where money was not always an issue. I could afford the things that my parents never could...you know....like brand name shit! Yet, here I am twenty-eight years old and I'm shopping at Aldi's..pinching pennies as if they were made of gold.

I will get my life and finances back on track.....I WILL......and I know this because I still believe that determination and willingness is the difference between the things you want....and the things you will ultimately have someday. And for all of you out there who have helped me, even if you think it was ever so insignificant....you can bet your sweet ass that those acts of kindness didn't go unnoticed, or unappreciated.....and it'll come back to you.....trust me...what goes around, comes around.

Here's a little quote to go along with this post...I liked it...maybe you will too!

All things come to him who waits

But here's a rule that's slicker

The man who goes for what he wants

Will get there all the quicker

New Holiday Traditions:

Okay...so I said I was going to survive the holidays....

turns out, I'm not as strong as I thought.

I cried.....a little.....

It was going to be just a quick shower...it turned into a moment to grieve alone. Throughout all the hustle and bustle of the holiday...I haven't had any time to be really alone.....Brooke has been there with me.....and once in that steamy shower..hidden from the rest of the world....I just couldn't help it...I wept.

Once out of the shower, hair shampooed, smelling fresh and feeling clean....I patted my body and my eyes dry and away we went. Steph came and brought Turkey, macaroni, rolls and sweet potatoes for Brooke and I. She really is the concrete that holds my sanity together so often. When I need replenished....emotionally, or physically....she's always right there.....night or day....and even on Christmas Day.

So in an effort to retain what was left of my spirits.....we decided to get out of the house...I agreed to go with Steph & Brooke to the Movies. It's time for a new holiday tradition perhaps....and even if I'm dead ass broke and alone....my new tradition will be to go to the movies on Christmas day....forget about my own life and watch the make-believe lives of others....other people's problems...other people falling in love...and other people who are alone and hurting. You'd think that would make me feel worse....but there's quite a bit of comfort in it actually. Mostly because their lives in the end always turn out "happily ever after".....where as mine....although it is scripted in "real-life"....I believe will or at least could turn out that way.

Brooke said that the movie was great...but made her sad, but it was good to get out with Steph..... Brooke said that she and I were past the point of being able to cheer each other up....so being around Steph was a bit of source of comfort for us both.

I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept the fact that everything changes.....that traditions and the people you share them with don't last forever. Shit happens, families fall apart, people move away....and marriages don't always survive the test of time....there's no going back, and there's no point in wasting any more tears over the past. What's done is done. It's time to let go. It is sooooo time to let go.

Goodnight...and Merry Christmas......

~hl~

He/She Quotes Poe...my favorite Poet....Coincidence?

The Raven and Other Poems, 1845

A Dream
by Edgar Allan Poe

In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed--
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.

Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?

That holy dream- that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.

What though that light,
thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar-
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?

Passerby says.......

24 Dec 06, 12:08passerby: In visions of the dark night

24 Dec 06, 12:08passerby: I have dreamed of joy departed

24 Dec 06, 12:08passerby: But a waking dream of life and light

24 Dec 06, 12:09passerby: Hath left me broken-hearted

I don't think I know him/her....but I like what she/he has to to say.

It's Christmas:

It's rainy and cold outside.....I can't find my slippers and I'm eating left over Pizza Hut pizza and Doritos. I'm quite certain this is unlike any other Christmas I've known. My sister is sleeping on the couch with her dog, my cat is attempting to drink out of the toilet AGAIN....and did I mention my feet are cold?

There are festivities going on down below...I just heard the girl with the loud muffler arrive....and if I listen closely, I can hear which Christmas song they are listening to. Brooke and I have no Christmas left to go to. We had Christmas with our mom's side yesterday and then Christmas with Mom and Bill at Bill's last night. It was a good Christmas all in all....I'm trying to adjust and keep a smile from turning into depression this holiday. For the most part, I think I'm surviving....and in situations like this...sometimes the best you can expect mood-wise is survival....without a complete meltdown....tears, sobbing.....and being reminded every year to follow of the year "Heather flipped out!"

Got some nice gifts....gift certificates, a radar detector so I can speed more without getting caught.....a hand painted jewelry box, necklace, humidifier, sweater, kitchen towels, an oven mit....it's been a good christmas.....I really can't complain....

I guess this holiday for me wasn't about what gifts I received, or how many get-to-gethers I was invited to....it was about being around people who I love and who love me. Seeing faces of those who's Christmas this year is as happy and bright as can be.....and trying to absorb some of that energy and carry it with me at least through New Years.

The thing is....it's noon on Christmas....and so far...I've survived. Not a tear was shed, not one thought of suicide....and I even managed not to over-eat like everyone seems to do this time of year. Only twelve more hours to go....and then it's back to work, and back to what is starting to be known as normal.

Gossip by Josh:

I've complained a million times about not having cable television.....but this is not "one of those" posts. Actually.....I was going to share with you one of my friend Josh's site....one in which allows you to keep up with the lastest celebrity crap that's going on without missing a beat.

I know what you are thinking....celebrity gossip...Oh, Heather C'mon now....but hey...we all have our little hang ups.....and while in some respect, I'm all about things that are educational and soulful.....yet there are times that I find myself wanting to read something that for some reason seems newsworthy today...but that you'll know...will be tomorrow's trash....and forgotten in no time. This where I go to stay in the loop....and if you are as bad as I am...(Rachel..I'm talking to you...Miss.."I subscribe to US Weekly"...) save this one into your favorites.

Totally Joshness
"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." – Oscar Wilde

http://totallyjoshness.blogspot.com/

LOST:

I don't watch the show LOST...but after watching this video clip...I'm thinking I'm going to start.

Hey, I'm single....I'm not getting laid everyday like you married people....Oh, wait....married people don't do it everyday....I forgot! *wink*

She's Heeeeeeerre:

Earlier this week, my friend Melissa who lives in Clarksville, Tennessee emailed me a picture of a little white and grey cat that had been abandoned in her apartment complex. She told the tale of how it lives outside their door and had a little pink flea collar and everything. I'm not what you might call a huge cat person....I mean....I'm a dog lover more than anything...but I have found that some cats are pretty cool....everything except scooping up their poop....and the clawing shit up...but they are animals, and I've always had a soft spot for just about all of god's creatures...
Now, seeing as I'm fairly lonely here in solitary living....I wanted to get a pet....I was going to get a hermit crab remember....well when this little story was emailed to me....It played on my heart strings. She needed a home, and I needed some company and something that I could take care of and love. Well, here she is....all the way from Clarksville Tennesee....here's Chloe!
I have to say though, she's not all that photogenic.

I had to take like a hundred shots, just to get the four I have here.

Oh, and I found that using a flash on a white cat, does not work all that well....she looked like someone had shoved a lightbulb up her butt and she was glowing from the inside out.....

It wasn't pretty!
But she is making herself right at home.

Last night she slept with me....and this morning I awoke with her on my chest purring like mad....I forgot what having a cat was like....it's been awhile.

Well.....I'm offically back in a committed relationship....sure she's not tall dark and handsome....she's white, short and cute, but for the time being....this is probably the only relationship a therapist would give the green light on anyways.

Speaking of therapists....I bet mine is wondering what ever happened to me.....I find that between my friends and my own self reflection....I am my own best therapist....anyway.

Translation: "What's the point?" or "Why? It's Empty?"

I've been listening to a lot of Damien Rice lately....his new cd just recently came out and I haven't been able to pull myself away from him since.

Tonight while driving home from TDG's work Christmas party...I was singing along and heard the following lyric

Waking up without you, is like drinking from an empty cup.

I know exactly what that means. There's a feeling associated with that comment....and I know that feeling all too well.

The First Gift.....and Soon to Receive the Last

A couple days ago....Keith called me. He asked me if I was going to be around Christmas morning....I told him that Brooke would be here, but that yeah, I would be here at the apartment.

He then told me that he had bought me a Christmas present. I told him that I hadn't purchased anything for him...and that it would make me feel bad to receive something from him and have nothing to give him in return....

He told me not to worry about it, not to buy anything for him and he'd see me Christmas morning.

I am left wondering why. Why would he buy me a gift....especially this week...the week we signed our Dissolution papers. I know of no other couples who have been through a divorce who's actions have been so civil.....My friend Jen asked me the other day if and when I get remarried someday and possibly have kids, if Keith and I will still be friends and my kids will be running around calling him "Uncle Keith"?!? At this point, it doesn't appear that I could rule that scenario out. This whole thing just has me scratching my head sometimes. Sure it's an ideal situation....yeah, sure, we'll be "friends"....everyone says it, but how many people actually are capable of doing it? Am I, are we?

One of my favorite gifts received at Christmas from Keith was this Harley Davidson Snow Globe that he picked out himself. See I'm not a knick-knacky kind of girl...but I loved this little globe. We got married in October...so it was one of the first things he had ever bought me...and it was dear to my heart. It still is. I just shook it and wound the little music box on the bottom and as the music echos across the room it's a reminder of a beginning.....the beginning of a life I'm now ending. It was the first gift given in love.

Now in only a few short days.....I'm going to receive the last Christmas gift I'll ever receive from my husband. This will be a gift.....that is sure to be devastatingly bittersweet.

Ever Have One of those days.....

When everything just falls into place exactly like it's supposed to?

Today was one of those days.

Rachel asked me to go Christmas shopping with her....I kind of hate shopping...BUT today at work while discussing why my boss should NOT buy his wife a rototiller.....I kind of offered to go and buy her something for him for Christmas since I was going to Lima anyway.....so I was a girl on a mission.

Oh did I mention my boss also gave me some cash to buy myself something as well as my co-worker Jen.....some more of that charitable giving I was talking about yesterday...anyway...I went....and I have to admit, i think I did good. I got everything I needed...or should I say...my boss needed. His wife will have a bright and shiny box of goodies to open Christmas day...and I will be in my bosses good graces.

Rachel however was striking out left and right while looking for her Christmas gifts....all she wanted was some perfume for her mom, and some cologne for her husband....every place we went, they were fresh out. She was starting to look frazzled and considering the fact that she's seriously due any day with her second child...I started to get worried that if we didn't find something soon, some poor walmart employee was sure to be mopping up her water that was going to break if shopping conditions didn't improve. I helped the best I could....but the situation looked bleak. After striking out at Kohls....she looked defeated. I had gotten everything on my list and even got a $20.00 discount from the girls at Bath & Body just because they liked me.....and thought that anyone who do their boss's shopping deserved a little break. Things were going swell for me....but poor, poor Rachel....

As we got into the car for the umpteenth time, I looked at her, exhausted and said...."Can we go home now?" She sadly said to me "yes...we can go home."

As we were leaving town....I looked over at Meijer....I said..."F*ck it Rachel, we've been everywhere else....why not stop....maybe they'll have what you are looking for." She said "Are you sure....they probably won't...." i told her, "we've only been shopping for like five hours, what's another fifteen minutes...we'll pop in and out and who knows....maybe we'll get lucky!"

We walked through the door and this lovely old 80 yr. old woman said "Would you like some Santa Bucks?!?" I politely took the paper with no intent of actually using them. We walked a few isles...and I saw the men's fragrances section. I paused and laughed as I said..."hey you just want to look for that cologne?" Wouldn't you know it....there it was just sitting ever so nicely on the shelf just waiting to be bought. I smiled at her with a spark of hope and then ran two isles over to the women's perfume....and I thought balloons would fall from the ceiling and trumpets would blare as we found the 1.7 fl ounces bottle of her mom's favorite perfume....just when we'd lost all hope in the shopping Gods....our spirits were revived and who'd have thought that Meijers would be our savior?!?

Today was a good day....I'm so happy. Tomorrow I work until noon....I'm going to a Christmas party with friends....my new kitty cat is being delivered straight from Tennessee at 10:00 pm and then I'm going to settle into my long weekend and holiday festivities. I almost forgot what this feels like....just plain old happy.

If I weren't alone right now...I'd hug someone.

Tis the Season of Giving

I am such a lucky girl you know it?!?

I honestly don't know what I did to deserve it....but I have been so blessed this year by kindness and giving, I'm a little overwhelmed to be honest.

Check this out:

Last week, my boss Keith comes in carrying a heater. He tells me not to argue with him...just take it home and use it until it's no longer needed. He didn't want to think of me being cold this winter. I was so touched that he would think of me and literally bring me a heater.....I didn't even know what to say....because "Thank You" didn't seem like it was enough.....

Then two nights ago, while going for a walk....I stopped over to visit my old Band teacher and Flag Instructor...Mr. & Mrs. Wark....two of the greatest people I've ever known.....they showered me with hugs, christmas cookies and new music for my guitar. There is a plate full of cookies, a bag of chocolate things in my kitchen as we speak....

I've received gifts....and love around every corner and I'm just in awe of the care and compassion being extended to me. This time of year is hard for me...being my first Christmas in six years alone....there have been moments when I really wasn't sure I was going to make it....on my own that is. There are times in life when we feel our most alone....when all of our old relationships fall away and we are left standing by ourselves. In the last year, I left my job of ten years for a new career, and I left my husband of six for an uncertain future. Yet, even at my lowest I'm still surrounded by surprisingly new supports.

I don't know how it is that I'VE been given this gift.....but I feel that if wealth were to be measured in friendship...I very well could be the richest girl in town.
In love I am not lucky....but in friends...I am amazingly blessed.

Tag #2 -

Seems as though, I've been hit again. Baba Ganoush has tagged twice: This is my task:

1 - Find the nearest book.
2 - Name the book
3 - The author
4 - Turn to page 123
5 - Go to the fifth sentence on the page
6 - Copy out the next three sentences and post to your blog.
7 - Tag three more folks.

Here goes:

1 - Got it in hand
2 - The American Poets: Longfellow
3 - Henry Wasdsworth Longfellow
4 - turning pages...1....2....3
5 - scrolling finger down the lines....
6 - Sing the Bluebird and the Robin
And where'er my footsteps wander
All the meadows wave with blossoms
7 - Oh, I'll tag some people.....I will.

~The End~

Like my new Kick-Ass Hat?

Intelligence vs. Determination

Amber said that I am one of the smartest people she knows.....I wonder if that's true....I doubt it....for there are a great many people who I'm sure are waaay more intelligent than I.

We were discussing Law school again....and I told her my concern of being smart enough to go......which led her to tell me I'm one of the smartest people she knows, and if anyone could do it, I could...... but then again, she's one of my best friends...of course that's what she'd say right?!?

Granted, I'm not a dunce by any means....but I'm no Albert Einstein either. I'm one of those people who fall somewhere in the average area. As with many things in life, there's nothing wrong with being a middle of the road kind of person. We can't all be the absolute best at everything we do.....we can do our best....and give it our all....and that's what's important, not being the best, but being your own best. {that kind of sounded like a motivational speech by a closet under achiever didn't it?!}

I think the thing that sets me apart however, which gives people the idea that I'm smart....is that I'm of average intelligence but of elevated determination when I really want something. You know how heart can make an average athlete an above average player....I'd like to think that's how I managed to achieve high scores in college....and determination and heart.....they are the difference in who does well in life for that matter....well except for my love life.....all the "heart" in the world hasn't help me sort that mess out yet.....frankly....I've given up sorting it out....at this point, I'm going to "go with the flow".....where ever my silly heart takes me, I'll willingly go.

I'm quite certain I'm not really one of the smartest people Amber knows....she may think that I am....maybe I've fooled her into believing that with all of my movie trivia knowledge, but shhhhh...don't tell her, no sense in bursting her bubble! *wink*

Thanks Amber for your vote of confidence in me.

I've Been Tagged Apparently:

Once tagged by a fellow blogger, one has to post six things about themselves that are unusual and/or unknown to others about yourself....here goes



#1 - I only eat green bananas....never the very yellow ones with brown spots on them. They gross me out.


















#2 - Since I moved to this apartment, I like to put this big pillow behind me when I go to sleep so it feels like someone is next to me.






#3 - When I was 18, I lived with my 28 year old fiance......he worked second shift, and I was unemployed for about a month.....he was never around and my fifteen year old neighbor boy was.....he for some reason thought that my fiance was my dad, and I never corrected him. We would hang out and play basketball and once I caught him watching me get dressed from his bedroom window to my own.....he saw me notice......he ducked from view....I kept the blinds open....I pretended to never see him....and every day, I'd get dressed as usual and never looked that way to discover him again....but I knew he was there. ....I think back on this now and wonder if that made me the "slutty neighbor girl"....or just his favorite?





#4 - When I was a kid, my mom would make us take turns cleaning off the kitchen table after diner, and when we had spaghetti and there were random noodles on the table that I'd have to clean up, I for some reason thought they were worms and I would vomit if I had to touch them. Ate them for dinner, but would puke them up if I had to touch the same cold noodle after only minutes later.




#5 - I could never be intimate with a man with a full beard.....if Brad Pitt walked up to me with a full beard and asked for my phone number, he wouldn't so much as even get my area code. Goatee ok......fully shaggy beard, not ok.







#6 - I hate the term "making love".....if a guy told me he wanted to "make love to me", I'd take a rain check......I don't necessarily understand my distaste for the phrase, if it is a conditioned response to my life's experience....or if it's possible that deep down, I don't believe that anyone I sleep with truly loves me. I may be dark and twisted inside, and happy go lucky on the outside....and for some reason unable to make the connection between love and sex.

Somethin's cookin!

Every night I come home from work.....I open the door and find that my apartment smells like a full service kitchen has been installed. Tonight was no exception. Must have been fried chicken night downstairs because my apartment smells like KFC. Normally this would be just plain cruel and unusual torture for me...coming home alone and hungry.....but I had a great dinner over at Steph's house.....grilled BBQ Pork Loin, rice, garlic corn and green beans and garlic bread. Ahhhhh.....home cooking, you have to love it.

Anyway, one of the perks and or down falls...depending on if you are in a "glass half full" or "glass half empty" kind of mood, is that every day, there's a new smell to welcome your nasal passages.....and frankly, I'm getting quite good at determining each and every main course that's prepared just underfoot. I should really befriend those guys....then maybe someday I'd get to see the food instead of always only smelling it.

I just sprayed my Bath & Body Works' "Kitchen Spice" home spray....now it smells like kitchen spiced grease in here....it's a little better!

Okay....must go....have to get rested up for my weekend travels. First stop Columbus on Friday night....and Cleveland on Saturday morning. I'm going to get to see quite a bit of Ohio over the next couple days.....and I'm looking forward to it immensely. .....time spent with the people I love...there isn't much that compares to it.

A night at the Laundromat:

Tonight after work, I finally broke down and went to do my laundry. I’ve been putting it off for weeks now….and this weekend I knew times where tight when I actually went and bought some underwear to wear until I could get to the Laundromat to do it. Yeah, not my brightest moment….but hey….it happens, I’m dealing with it and you should too! *smile*


The Laundromat may be one of the strangest places on earth. Seriously, you never know what’s going to happen to you at the Laundromat. Anything is possible. Last time I went some guy asked me for my phone number and I caught a girl “accidentally” trying to steal my favorite blouse…she said it was an accident….yeah, right!

Anyway tonight, I sorted all of my clothes here at the apartment and then made the three trips up and down my flight of twenty-one steps to load everything into the car. A chore I’m growing a bit disgruntled about to be honest….so, I get there and the first thing I see is this guy sitting on the wooden bench, rocking out to his portable radio and smoking like a chimney. I didn’t even know you could smoke in Laundromats……or anywhere in public these days in the state of Ohio. Regardless, there he was, stoner sunglasses, sock hat, camo jacket, blaring portable boombox and a carton of Marlboro Reds.

I was a little nervous at first considering his appearance was a bit rapist / homeless person…..but nevertheless it wasn’t long before I was singing along to “Sweet Child O’ Mine” a few washing machines down from him. I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me because of his dark circled spectacles but a couple times I felt like he was watching me in curiosity the same way I inspected him. I thought for sure he would bust me while trying to sneak a snap shot of him…and he’d go all medieval on my ass and murder me right there under the florescent glare of the lights overhead….but I was lucky…he was too busy folding socks to notice me at that moment.

He was a pretty nice guy actually....as he was leaving...hands full of laundry, he realized he forgot his radio and I went and grabbed it for him, laid it in his basket and smiled...he smiled back and told me to have a good night and thanks for getting his radio for him....then like a shot, he jumped into a running vehicle with two shady looking characters inside. They squeeled their tires and drove out of sight. Typical laundromat exit....for those of you not familiar with the laundromat lifestyle. Lately I've been taking powerbreaking lessons from the guy down the alley so I can have a kick-ass exit of my own....it's important to continue to learn new skills.....

Something else strange that happened was the appearance of a young teenage girl. She parked her car next to mine, walked in, carrying no laundry or anything else for that matter, went into the restroom and never came back out. I was there for like an hour and a half, and once she went in, I never saw her again….I don’t know if she was in there giving birth to an illegitimate child or maybe writing a dissertation on the wall as to why Laundromats are a total rip-off…exploiting poor souls like myself who’s apartments don’t have washer & dryer hook-ups…..I might check that out the next time I go back….who knows, maybe she’ll still be in there.

So…..that’s all for now….more Laundromat stories are sure to ensue in the coming months….stay tuned…because you know what “they” say…or what “I” say….anything can happen at the Laundromat!

Single's Diet:

When going from two incomes down to one, you notice a change in just about everything.....from how often you order pizza, to your appreciation of cable television and the internet, to what food you buy at the grocery store. Tonight, I had a chicken patty (with rib meat) sandwich, Honey BBQ Fritos and skim milk.
A chicken patty sandwich....with rib meat....nothing about that sounds appetizing does it? You should have seen the grease I squished out of it with a paper towel! YUCK! The sad part is, as I was squeezing the grease out, I said to myself..."well, you just discarded the flavor portion of the meal"....


Gone are the days of steaks, pork chops, pot roast and fresh vegetables and fruits. Now a days we've got macaroni & Cheese, spaghetti, cereal and peanut butter.....and I'm not quite sure why I have four bags of croutons......what on earth does any single person do with four bags of croutons? Perhaps I could start eating them like potato chips….hmmm…it’s something to think about anyway if times get really tight….maybe I could string them up on fishing line and use them as decorations on my Christmas tree like people used to do with popcorn…..now there’s an idea straight from Martha Stewart’s crafty ideas for décor on a budget……


You’d be amazed at the things we take for granted when we get comfortable financially and used to the luxuries of middle class living. I know the middle class struggles….but granted, as middle class, we still have the luxury of having money to go to the movies, or to buy a couple drinks at the bar on a Saturday night. Going through what I am has really given me a whole new appreciation for the things I had…..and a better understanding of what was missing that wouldn’t allow me to fully enjoy the same. I’m thankful for the things I have now, and I'm willing to work my ass off to get the things I desire….I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Because if you don’t have to struggle in life, how do you ever understand the value of something?

{my poor refrigerator....lets do inventory shall we...outdated orange juice, tortillas, dinner rolls from Thanksgiving, canned fruit, a coke and a bottle of water....Oh, don't let me forget the sandwich my mom gave me from one of her machines at work, that I never ate.....I really need to clean it out, but then my fridge would only have coke, canned fruit and bottled water....and well, at least this way it looks like I have a stocked fridge. Appearances are everything you know! *wink*}

Today I......

Today I...signed my dissolution papers. It was signifant.

The way the pen felt in my hand....the texture of the paper being felt through the same. The officialness of the notarization.....

I've seen hundreds of Dissolution / Divorce documents in the course of my job, but none ever felt so heavy in my hands as those bearing my name and my freshly inked signatures.

Somone once said that after a break-up, it takes half the time you were together to recover. So if this is true, Keith and I were together for six years.....then in three years I'll be ready to put myself back out there. THREE YEARS. Three years.

In three years I'll be in my thirties. In three years....I could be dead. So what happens in the meantime? Nothing? Three years of wearing house slippers and pajamas at 7:00 p.m. and nights filled with long walks around Delphos alone with my thoughts?

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of changing everything....I'm already going to change my name this year, why not change everything else as well. Go somewhere where nobody knows my name, start over, leave everything behind and not leave a forwarding address.

All of this stemmed by a little packet of life changing papers. Tears of Divorce are saltier than any other I've known.

Taking Risks:

Tonight Amber called.....we are planning to do something together this coming weekend. So naturally she called to confirm the details of our adventure.

While on the phone our conversation drifted from this weekend's outting to my future here in Delphos. She told me that she thinks I should go back to school and become a Lawyer. I've thought about it to be honest. Actually I was just thinking about it today while in the shower this morning. I mean, I am going to have some time on my hands, why not better myself by going back to college and getting into law school eventually?

Anyway....we spoke of future law degrees and then she said that her company in Cincinnati was looking for someone in their "contracts" department, someone with a legal background. She said I should send her my resume. I told her I was locked into my lease here in Delphos. She said with the vast increase in my salary, I could afford to buy my way out of my lease here. At first I laughed her suggestion off as just another crazy scheme....but after about fifteen minutes, she talked me into sending my resume to her.....I just sent it five minutes ago. Granted, I'm probably under qualified, but you don't make it anywhere in life by never taking any risks....Amber's exact words......I know they are true....but I've never been the one saying them.

I'm not a gambler, nor a risk taker by nature....I like to have fun and I like to go where my heart leads me....but when it comes to things like this....I'm such a wimp.....but here I sit...almost thirty years old...maybe it's time that I start being an active participant in where my life is going.....or where it has the possibility to go. My sister once told me that the reason she was able to pack it up and move away from Ohio without a single regret, is because she knew Ohio would still be here if things didn't work out......she could always come back, but she could never get back the opportunity that laid before her.

Well, it's too late to go back now, my resume has been sent......nothing left to do but to wait and see....it's just a resume right...it's not like I just signed myself up for a life of servitude or anything.........maybe I am a future "contract specialist from Cincinnati" maybe I'm going to go back to college and then to law school......All I know is......I'm not sure I want to be sitting here in Delphos when I'm 40 without ever knowing what I could have been or who I could have been if I had just been a little braver.

And Sadly I Say Goodbye:

They took my cable away today.....

No more free cable for Heather.......I miss it already.

I'm not right in the head:

Last night I had a few drinks...this morning...the first thing I think about for breakfast...BBQ Potato chips.

When I was in my early twenties, I would go out drinking with my other early twenty-something-friends. The next morning...I'd roll out of bed around oh, 11:30 and I'd make myself some peanut butter toast or english muffins....and BBQ chips. I thought this was something I grew out of....but alas, this morning...after a night of drinking....some seven years later....I'm still doing it.

But you know what, I've excepted it and these chips are excellent...kettle cooked, extra crunchy....got to love the smell of BBQ in the morning!

Hope ya'll's days started out on the right foot...like mine obviously did!

Office Space:

I'm totally steeling this from another blog spot.....but it's not steeling if you admit to it right?

Anyway, i saw this on Baba Ganoush's site and I just liked it so much, I thought I would share it with my friends who read this page. ENJOY!

Maybe it's because it's 3:00 am...maybe it's the alcohol I had earlier tonight..I don't know, but I laughed out loud....hope you do too!

Head Over Heels:

What's with people like falling madly in love everywhere?

Since I left Keith....I've seen with my own eyes....men who have completely lost all common sense around me. Men who literally barely know me....and vow that they "have feelings" for me....WTF is up with that???? Seriously....what's happened in the world of singlehood since I've been gone?

I know a guy to whom I recently was talking to quite a bit. He was pretty cool. I met him years ago while on a trip to Walt Disney World....he was tall dark and handsome back then, so I was surpised when he resurfaced in my life some 11 years later. Seemed almost too coincidental at the time.........

We at first were really excited to be talking again after such a long absence, and we had a million things in common. He played the guitar, wrote poetry, was funny with dark hair and hazel eyes.....he and I got along so well, it was as if no time had passed at all between when I had met him so many years ago....

I'll admit it, I was interested in him.....he made me laugh and was sweet to me. He's the kind of guy who puts his hand on the small of your back and leads you through the door ahead. He's the kind of guy who takes you to a bookstore....and when you go your separate ways to your respective corners of interest, still peeks in on you from around the bookcase to make sure you are doing alright. He's the kind that regardless of how corny one might think it is....wouldn't hesitate to sing you a song over the phone while playing his guitar and holding the phone with one shoulder.

Unfortunately.....appearances sometimes fade, reality can be biting. We've stopped talking....well, I've stopped talking to him actually....he's willing to continue to converse....however, here's the thing.....when someone like him says they want to be my friend....I think to myself...I have enough f*cking friends. I already have friends who are there for me, who make me laugh, who sing me songs....and take me to bookstores.

One minute he's telling me how much he likes me, and even mentions that I should move closer to him so that we could see each other on a regular basis, when I decline to move to be near him....he changes his status on myspace to "in a relationship" and is currently in love with a girl we'll call "B". In love!! Not just dating, but IN LOVE! How on earth does that even happen. Four weeks ago he was actively pursuing me....and four weeks later, he's in love. Hmmmm....Either my heart moves at snail speed, or people mistake that feeling of lonliness fading away as love.

I know he's not "the one" for me.....I think maybe I liked the idea of him. The routine of our interaction...the familiarity of it.......If I could have been in a relationship with him....my life would make sense, have a direction....but that's just dumb. I don't need a man to give me direction, to give me purpose. But even I have moments of self doubt and feel that I'm lost.....but even if I'm going essentially on a path that leads to nowhere....It always comes back to me that I'm not a quitter, I am brave.....and being alone isn't a life sentence that's handed down from the one who broke your heart, it's an opportunity to become comfortable with who you are again....to learn to sit in a room by yourself and not fear the quiet nature of it. I have moments of weakness where I feel that I "NEED" someone....I'm not too proud to admit it.....but I am smart enough to know my own weaknesses and avoid the pitfalls associated with them.

The guy whom I spoke of here....he paid attention to me, did and said sweet things at a time in my life when I felt like there wasn't a soul who "cared" for me....he filled that void for awhile. It would have been really easy to make him my rebound relationship. He has all the qualifications. He's a good guy all in all....and I hold no ill will towards him.....So if he IS madly in love with this "B" girl.....good for him....because he simply averted what would have been comparable to a massive trainwreck situation with me. I'd have hurt him....no doubt about it. I only hope that he doesn't make the same mistakes I did....he doesn't fall so fast and so hard that the relationship has nowhere to go, no room to grow....because when they start off that way, there's no going back.

Sometimes people forget to look both ways for traffic before stepping into the road of life or the road to love. There is no safe passageways.....and if you aren't careful, you could step right out into the path of someone like me. Don't say I didn't warn you!

In Honor of my upcoming birthday....

Your Birthdate: February 16

Calm and understated, you struggle to express your love with words. Over time, your partner learns to recognize your passion by the actions you take. You're good at wooing someone slowly, without them even realizing it! Number of True Loves You'll Have: 5 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1 You are most compatible with people born on the 7th, 16th, and 25th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Truthfully.....it's pretty much a load of crap....because I've had my heart broken more than once....although, the wooing people without knowing it.....I've been accused to being easy to fall accidently smitten with....suppose that's the same thing?
~hl~

You Know What REALLY SUCKS?!?!

It really sucks when you only own one kitchen towel....and you accidently light it on fire and burn a hole in it!

Hey....I never said I was very handy in the kitchen!

Alone:

When living alone, it's easy to become disconnected.

I've been living in this apartment by myself now for a little over two months, and already I feel the change in me.

You do things that you wouldn't do if anyone else was around....like eating half of a pop tart and then putting the uneaten half back in the box. When you are done drinking out of a glass, you just put it in the refrigerator...it stays cold and you don't have to wash it....you can drink from it again. You undress in the livingroom....walk around naked if you want....you sing songs at 7 a.m. while getting ready for work without the fear of waking anyone....and you generally become less and less aware of the people around you.

You go to work, do your job, get in your car, drive home, climb the steps to your apartment, unlock the door, go inside....and live your "alone life". People call you....and you contemplate whether to answer it....because you aren't sure if you want to stop whatever pretend self important thing you are doing to answer it. Maybe you are rearranging your bookcase, digging through the storage closet for your "skinny jeans", folding laundry, flipping channels or you are watching some video clip on VH1.com.....it's always something random and not all that important....yet...it's what you do.

There are those people though who magically have that way about them that make you snap out of it long enough to feel human again. To realize that there's an entire world just outside your apartment. A world that maybe, you should be more a part of.....or at least more a part of the world that belongs to the person who's call you actually answer. I'm lucky to have a few....a few people who make me feel connected again, alive again, hopeful of the future again.

Ever notice that the words ALONE and AGAIN have several things in common, both start with the letter "A", both are made up of five letters, both contain the letter "N" and when combined, make quite a statement

ALONE AGAIN.....

Compliments I Can Handle:

Today I took some soup over to my friend Denise's house. She recently had surgery and is kind of on bed rest for a little while until she's as good as new....

Another friend of mine Amber bought her some pie, and we headed over to eat lunch with her.

While there she got to telling us that she recently watched Bridget Jones' Diary...which to be honest is one of my all-time favorite movies....

I'll let you in on a little secret...I'm kind of addicted to Brittish romantic comedy (Love Actually, Nodding Hill, Murial's Wedding, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Both Bridget's....)

Denise was telling me how she just loved the movie, and thought that this year at TDG's X-mas party she'd recreate the scene where bridget sang horribly at her own work christmas party....we had a good laugh at the thought...then Denise looks as me and says...."Don't take offense to this, but......"

Usually....a very dreaded comment follows....but instead something delightful was delivered.....

She said "Heather...you remind me of Bridget!"

I think she thought I would hit her, and well I wouldn't hit someone who just had surgery and to whom I just brought soup to.....but what a great compliment.


She said I was adorably, hopelessly, flawed, but in a good way. Just like Bridget.

I don't take compliments all that well at times, but damnit if that one just didn't make my day.

Thanks Denise!

Skinny Jeans:

Okay....don't deny it...we all have them! You know....the jeans your ass used to look fantastic in....yeah...you remember those days right!?! I thought so...

Anyway...Sunday....I went shopping in Dayton with my sister Brooke, we went to Old Navy...I thought....what the hell, I'll try some things on, I wouldn't dare buy anything, but JUST TRY ON ONLY. I mean, I haven't bought myself anything that wasn't desperately needed...including Clorox Bleach toilet bowl cleaner which I'm thinking more and more may become a necessity very soon......so to continue with the story, I generally don't like shopping. But, I've lost a little weight because of my love life getting me down....losing my house, my dog, my bed....yatta, yatta, yatta....the point is, depression is the best diet. So I lost a little weight recently and all of my pants no longer fit right, they sag in the crotch and butt area, and generally just make me look like I'm wearing my big sister's clothes. So I grabbed some pants and went to the dressing room and was surprised to see I dropped two pant sizes. I was like holy mother of God...being too poor to buy groceries does have an up side.

Needless to say, in order to avoid being called my new work nickname ("saggybritches") any longer I bought some new pants. Hopefully I won't get that bill until January! It was great to feel what the "right size" felt like.

When I got home and was putting away my clothes....I thought...."I wonder if this means I can fit back into my skinny jeans?"...so I went to the storage closet, dug through some crap, located them and dusted them off. I went to my bedroom, pulled on one leg and then the other...and discovered that I offically fit into my skinny jeans. Naturally I probably won't wear them because they were in style like 8 years ago and now low rise jeans and hip huggers are all the rage where these come up like to my bellybutton...GOD FORBID!! But still, it's a grand day in a girls life when she finds that her skinny jeans suddenly fit again. It's times like these, living alone sucks....cause I could so high five someone right now! Or did high fives go out of style when my skinny jeans did....hmmmmm.....

Country Music Post #2

Tonight I was driving home....(and yes, I'm acutely aware how many posts I start out this way...) and I heard this Confederate Railroad song "Trashy Women" that I used to totally love....anyway...it reminded me of when I went to this bar in Celina to see Confederate Railroad about 7-8 years ago...good time....got very intoxicated and fell into a snowbank to which my friends had to pull me out of.....I think I may even have mooned someone that night...anyway.....that's not the point...the point is....songs bring back memories that you think you long forgot...or they tell a story that forces mental images that you can't seem to deny, and country songs...they just crack me up!

I don't know if many of you know the band Confederate Railroad...but they also sing this song "She took it like a man" that I just think is so funny...so I decided to share the lyrics with you...maybe you'll get the same enjoyment out of it as I did.

I hated like the devil

To tell her we were through

I was sure it would break her heart

Tear her world in two

She is such a fragile thing

Lord, I hate to make her cry

So I broke it to her gently

When I told her goodbye

She cussed me like a sailor

Kicked a hole through the kitchen wall

She threw a fit and threw the phone

Half-way down the hall

She said"I'll be down at the bar"

Then I heard the front door slam

I guess all in all

She took it like a man

I was thinking she'd reach out to me

And beg me not to go

Or run straight to her momma's

'Cause I'd hurt her so

Thought she'd be devastated

I had a tender moment plan

I didn't think that she could take it

But she took it like a man

I laugh everytime I picture this girl....anyway...i'm a dork..i know it.

It's Not Ideal....but it's Something

I quit smoking two and a half days ago.

I miss it......I get restless at night and I think about inhaling the deep and thick smoke, the way it escapes my pursed lips as I exhale it into the space around me. I like to watch it as it swirls in the night air and up into the atmosphere.

Tonight it's windy, cold, harsh in many ways.......

I just finished watching "When Harry Met Sally"......

I'm losing my voice....and I have no weekend plans...

Damien Rice is playing on my RealPlayer.....

I'm restless from lack of smoke, the wind rips across the rooftop and shakes my windows and won't let me rest my weary cold-ridden head......

I decided that I need a pet to love.....perhaps if I can love another living creature....I can learn how to feel love again...maybe even some day find myself capable of a healthy relationship with another HUMAN being.

I think I'd like to maybe buy a hermit crab or see if Santa will bring me one this Christmas. And even though, in time, he too.....my hermit crab "Frank" as I already decided to name him, will hide away in his shell and ignore my attempts at loving him....it will however teach me to try. To have hope that one day, I'll melt Frank's hard exterior and he'll love me with all his little hermit crab heart has within it. As he grows, I'll supply him with the biggest most beautiful new shells to inhabit, he'll smile at me when I awake in the morning and see him there on my dresser scratching around on the little beach I've created for him......I'll feed him, bathe him....I'll treat him as well as any Crab could ever dream of.....and in the end we'll walk hand in claw into the sunset and live happily ever after.

Me and my pet hermit crab Frank.....

It's not ideal.....but it's something.

Christmas Humor:

I thought these were cute:

Especially this one....legal humor, plus ho, ho, ho.....being my soon to be new initials.....

I have a christmas ornament at home that says ho, ho, ho...I always felt it was made especially for me! *wink*


And well this one....Oh, C'mon this one is just funny.