It's official, I'm an apartment dweller.....

I survived the dreaded first night alone in a new apartment. It’s hard to believe that I’m here….moving has been very trying. Going through six years of accumulation as a couple and asking someone, “is it okay if I take this” or “you won’t mind if I take that will you?” We flipped a coin to see who got the vacuum cleaner….Steph said that she can’t believe we didn’t fight over a single thing…..there wasn’t anything I wanted that he wouldn’t let me take, and I didn’t have the heart to try to take EVERYTHING….I wanted him to have things…..I couldn’t imagine the place totally empty…but literally he came into this relationship with only the shirt on his back (since all of his stuff burned up in the fire)…..most all household things were mine. I made sure I left him the big brown recliner…he loved that chair.

Waking up this morning, I thought I would awake to wonder where I was, like I normally do when I stay somewhere foreign, but I didn’t, I awoke and knew exactly where I was and even said aloud…”so I really live here!?!” I did wake up very, very sore though…..THE STAIRS….OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THOSE DREADED 21 STEPS!!! Yeah, my legs were a little sore…..anyway….moving on…..

This morning I sit here at my computer, which I might mention is the first time I’ve sat at MY computer for weeks and weeks, but I sit here and I wonder, what do I do now?

I know that it won’t be long and this place will feel like home just as any other had before….but it’s the in-between time that takes some getting used to. Not to mention, I haven’t been surrounded by my own things for two months, so I HAVE to start dealing with the memories and emotions that arrive out of them being in plain view. I tear up a lot for no apparent reason, but I’m optimistic that with time that will subside as well.

Inner-Bitch Comments:

Recently someone new has been commenting on my blog.....he's really quite dedicated in his reading....anyway...I thought today I'd make his note to me and my reply to him a post. Feel free to jump in the conversation...I'm sure Kelvin won't mind! :)

kelvin's fiction said...
I think I've grown too old (too fast) to react to hostilities thrown at me. Not that I get much of those lately. These days, I'm so concerned only with myself - selfish, yes but who cares - and my inability to figure our what this life is all about. I don't think I've been mean to anyone for the past couple of years, or so I was told that actually I've been opposite to that! Which is good to know. But what bothers me more nowadays is the struggle within myself, my inability to hang on to life or worse, even understanding it. When my girlfriend dumped me three months ago for another guy, I wasn't upset at her at all. A bit, yes but I was more puzzled, confused with the whole thing and felt like throwing myself into a deep hole! But of course, that did not reflect outside of me. With the people around me, I could talk to them in a socially-acceptable normal mode. Inside of me, however, there's confusion, pain, constantly beating myself, just for the sake of protecting myself from dominated by what's outside of me. It's funny how pain makes life feel real. But is it?
ps: I'm probably digressing from the topic of your post, sorry.
8:58 PM

HeatherLynn said...
Mr. Kelvin:I guess I remember younger days when you had that teenage feisty attitutde...you did what you wanted or what you could get away with, if someone questioned you, you either defiantly told the the exact opposite of what they wanted to hear, or you lied, or you said some smart ass remark and followed that with...why do you care anyways?

It's immature yeah, but at the same time, you didn't care what people thought and on top of that you would defend yourself with the utmost conviction and if someone's head had to get ripped off to "stand up for yourself" you'd do it without the slightest bit of guilt. Ah, to be a teenager again! ;)

As for understanding life....I'm not sure anyone ever does. I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe....when you are really, really old, you look back and you see all the twists and turns, ups and downs and you make a determination about your life, what it meant, what it was....the lives you touched, the lives that changed yours.....and you will find that you have gained a certain amount of perspective that only comes with age and wisdom. So, I've decided that I'll try not to give TOO much thought as to the why's and how's of the things that occur...at least not without some time between the incident and my reflection period.

Okay...that's all I got! Have a great day!

~hl~

Happy to be a Supporting Character.....

Here’s a funny thing I’ve discovered about myself recently….besides the fact that I’m not bitchy enough….I’m an easy target. Well, I shouldn’t say target per se, but I think I’m easy to pick on or something……..

About a year ago, our new UPS guy Doug, walked into my old office and said “Hey Shithead!” and then gave me an evil smile and a wink…..I laughed but the people in my office about fell out of their chairs….they couldn’t believe that he’d said it….I thought it was comical. I knew he was joking with me and shithead although a bit of an unorthodox term of endearment, it was a term of endearment by all “UPS-guy” standards.

Then………….

Two weeks into my new job here at the Law Office……my very usually reserved boss Chad called me a “Dizzball”….granted, I’ve never even heard of the term before, but it quickly became my new nickname for a week or two, producing laughs around the office at least once a day….and the funny thing was, that came out of nowhere, I was just sitting at my desk minding my own business…..and wham…another name being bestowed upon me. I have two out of three bosses here who by all outside views should be stuffy attorney types, picking on me and laughing with/at me regularly……

My friend Drew has on several occasions poked fun at me because I’ve never been on an airplane…..one time he says to me…..”Well of course you’ve never had {a certain time of Chinese food}, you’ve never been on an airplane….I should have known!” with his best sarcastic tone…..of course I demurely smile at him and say “hey….why do you have to pick on me….what did I ever do to you anyways?”

I find that for some reason, people just feel like they can play fight with me…..teasing and laughing with me is almost as natural as anything else….and it’s strange that the interaction I have with random, usually very professional types, is so down-to-earth….one might even describe it as nonchalant. I love it. I guess if my life was a movie, I’d be the kind of off-balance/funny supporting character…I'm never quite the main story.....but.....every good story needs a quirky supporting character.

My best friend Amber’s Neighbor once told me that I reminded him of Karen off of Will and Grace…..I still laugh about that……especially the look on his face when I said: “So you think I’m like Karen eh?…..so are you telling me that you think I’m a pill popping alcoholic who spends all of my time with excessively flamboyant gay men!!??!!” His face was classic….he looked as if I just punched him in the stomach....he apologized profusely while I laughed and told him I was only kidding….not to even worry about it…..and to this day, he and I have a great conversational chemistry when I see him during my numerous Kentucky visits.

If there were one thing that I could say would make me feel like a whole person, a person with some sort of purpose in this life it would have to be someday having the ability to make people feel comfortable enough to be able to joke without fear of offense; and tell secrets and share of themselves without fear of judgment. I'm not saying I've got that, I may just have an ounce of it......but knowing what you want makes things easier to achieve.

“The Inner-Bitch”

Apparently we all have the ability to be bitches as women……

And it’s been pointed out to me recently that my inner bitch has died, or taken up residency in like Bermuda or something because I haven’t caught a glimpse of that side of me lately.

In the last few weeks, I’ve been called a liar, I’ve been accused of being a whore, I’ve been yelled at, put down…..told that I’m selfish, making a huge mistake and cursed out more than I really care to go into detail about…..but, regardless, I’ve tried to practice some restraint and not lash out at those of whom have hurt me. I’ve tried to keep some perspective as to why people do the things they do….and I’m TRYING to not take it SO personally when anger is sent in my direction. Now I’m no saint by any means…..but the older I get, the less and less I want to rip people’s heads off…..that teenage hostility and uncooperativeness has I guess evaporated though the years. Maybe this means I’m on my way from being a girl to being a woman…..

You always read about these amazing “women” characters in novels and whatnot….these gentle, mild mannered creatures who have that amazing ability to be reserved and always have that calmness about them allowing them to handle any situation in just the way they wanted to. They don’t fly off the handle and scream, they don’t curse out their significant others, they love children and bring a soothing nurturing feel to everything they surround themselves with. *laughs to myself*…..can anybody ever see me turning into this? *laughing again…..* I’m not sure I can either!!

I told Keith last night that being mean to each other won’t solve anything….that fighting or being cold/rude would only elevate animosity and cause us both to be hurt more than we already have been……..

Yesterday he told me not to wait to file the dissolution documents……..he said “why wait, just do it.” There’s something very final about throwing away the things you can’t take with you when you leave……heaping trashcans full of things you used to think were worth keeping….it’s all so symbolic….overwhelmingly symbolic.

Final…..F-I-N-A-L……..This never gets easier……….

A conversation worth having......

Monday of this week, I was subpoenaed to testify in a hearing for an ex-client. I was really nervous about it, and had even contemplated ways to get out of it: faking fainting, claiming amnesia etc. However I went and prepared to do my part and say what I remembered. I wasn’t going to be a loser and avoid doing it just because it wasn’t pleasant.

While I awaited my turn to testify, I sat in the law library, away from the other witnesses and family members of the Defendant…which I have to tell you was a good thing because they looked like they wanted to rip my head off….and I had never even seen them before…I don’t know what they thought I was there to testify to, but they were a less than friendly looking bunch. So I went into the law library to hang out until they called me into the courtroom. I thought I would be in there alone, however, the librarian was in there doing some legal updates for the new statutes that come out periodically. He was busy working and I said hello to him.

Before I knew it, we were wrapped up in conversation…..laughing and sharing information about our lives…..he was in his 50’s….a friendly decent looking man, wore glasses that kind of slipped towards the end of his nose when he was concentrating on something…..and we just really hit it off right away. He worked and took little breaks to really concentrate on our conversation.

We talked about future plans…..he told me that he did the law library thing part time in addition to his full time job at a local factory. He told me of his early days starting out in college at Ohio State in Columbus and how when his father died, he had to go home and run the family farm. He talked about wanting to retire from factory life and work at something that allowed him to use his brain for a change as opposed to a life of physical labor. I listened intently and asked questions and encouraged him of his potential, and how life is full of opportunity, but you have to be willing to grab hold of some of them because they don’t always just fall into your lap. You are never too old to learn, and it’s never too late to do what you want with your life……he looked inspired by that.

I learned so much about a man who I had only met mere moments earlier and I never even knew his first name….but it didn’t matter, it was as if we were old friends by the time he told me he had to go……I distinctly remember the look on his face when he told me how nice it was to meet me and that he had thoroughly enjoyed our conversation.

I thought about that look as I traveled back to the office later that afternoon…..I wondered if it was the first conversation he had had with someone in a long time, where someone was interested in what he had to say, what he wanted out of life. I wondered how many people in his life encouraged him to be something more, to set goals and actually work towards them and not to settle for just being a factory worker when it was so obvious to me his desire to be something more, to do more, and to enrich his life with work that actually challenged him mentally.

I really hope he does it, I hope that someday when I’m back in that courthouse, I hope to ask someone about him and hear that he didn’t settle, he went for it. He’s a complete stranger…..yet…..I wish all the best for him….and I know that he knew that with just one conversation with me.

Learning is a never ending process……if we learned just one new thing everyday…..I would have learned 10,220 things by age 28 and 18,250 by age 50. That’s if we just learned one tiny new thing per day…..imagine the wealth of knowledge we’ve gathered so far….and what is out there in store for us in the future.

I hope and pray that I never see the day when the want for knowledge escapes me. It is my sincerest wish to never stop being curious. When you stop caring enough to ask why, you die.

Moving Out Doesn't Always Equal Moving On

So I found an apartment. I am officially moving this week. It's a cute place, one bedroom, upstairs apartment in Delphos. There's a cute little church across the street, a library nearby, It's cozy and small, but I really don't need much to be happy in way of living space, afterall, I'm not all caught up in material things. I'm really doing it....I'm moving out.....I just wonder if I'll ever be able to move on. Moving on.....it's quite a concept.

Take dating for instance....how does one just jump back into that? The idea of meeting a stranger and trying to "see where it goes"....it's um, it's frightening to think about. Bad dates, guys who you don't even remotely have interest in trying to kiss you goodnight....Christ, I can't even begin to think of myself back there again. Maybe being alone isn't so bad, maybe it won't kill me to just to fly solo for awhile......maybe a very long while. I really hope I recover from this..........the last thing I want is be the "crazy cat lady" who dies alone in her apartment only to be found seven days later with half of her face having been eaten off by her herd of feline companions. Okay, I'm changing the subject, that was just too morbid of thought for a Tuesday morning!

The other day someone told me I was a liar.....that because I'm not sticking to "til death do us part" that it makes me a liar......people will see me as someone who lies. In one conversation I was called a liar and told that my entire life, I've made one bad decision after another, after another. I didn't get mad, I didn't spew profanity at the person who was shoving their personal beliefs about me in my face....I just allowed all of the judgment hit me right between the eyes. I took it all in and cried for hours afterwards....not because what he said was necessarily true, but regardless of what I do, I know that there's always going to be someone who thinks I'm fucking up. There's always going to be people in my life who don't understand me and why I do the things I do. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm a total loser by society's and religious standards for not going back, but I can't let that get me down. I must try to not let the views of every other person make me feel like total shit. I have to have faith in the fact that it's my life, and regardless of whether I'm a liar, slut, idiot, mentally unstable person by the views of others, I know myself, and I know where my heart resides and I have to be unapologetic to the outside world and their views if I'm ever going to make it on my own. In a movie once I heard a line when discussing the subject of mistakes.....it was said that:

there is no such thing as a mistake, there are the things you do and the things you don't do. No Mistakes.

I don't know if that's true, but I guess it could be. For if everything happens for reason then how could anything be a mistake....everything would have a purpose, the good, the bad and the things we regret.

I'm moving out......and eventually, eventually, I'll move on..............

Sometimes it's just hard to get a clear view of things

Again.....it's been awhile.......

Life is strange, and unpredictable.

Sometimes I drift in and out of clarity.....one minute I see perfectly clear, the next it's as if I'm peering through shattered glass....

I'm tired of living in between lives.....I'm one move away from an unknown destiny.....move forward and find divorce, take a step backwards and I'm married again......

Moving foward won't be easy.....working two jobs, eating peanut butter everyday and not being able to afford to get my eyebrows waxed....having an empty apartment to come home to....and the quiet of the night to get used to all over again.

Moving backward and regressing to the life I found so very lonely, cold and empty.

The idea that someday I would have to try to fall in love again....the idea that if I never recover from this, I will spend the rest of my days without love.....

It's funny when you actually start to progress in your decisions to move on, the stupidest things flash before your eyes.....I just imagined putting up my sad little christmas tree up alone in my apartment, listening to my favorite Christmas CD and wondering if it will always be that way.......It doesn't make me sad though, it makes me wonder.....I feel my inner strength saying..."Heather, you can do this, you can make it and learn to love life again, even when futures are uncertain, even when outlooks are bleak....life is what you make of it, don't quit!" I swear I'm my own motivational speaker at times.....

I told my Grandma last night, I'd rather know that I took a chance and lost than to know I wasn't brave enough to strive to find what I'm looking for in this life.....I'm okay with failure, I'm not okay with living in fear of trying ....there are no easy answers in life, and there isn't always a clear choice to make......but you still have to make one regardless.

Skyler - The Crazy One

 

He was here, but now he's not.....

I've just recently discovered that not everyone liked Mr. Steve Irwin, aka "The Crocodile Hunter"......

I personally think his death is sad, I mean he had young children....I guess I don't want to be hard on him and think that just because he always put himself in harms way that he deserved to die the way he did. It was his job...it was what he did, and loved to do.

Sometimes I wonder if people like Steve Irwin know the secret to living......just do what makes you happy, live everyday like it's your last and die doing what you love....and at the end of the day, the people that loved you will understand...maybe even respect you for it.

I know some people find that his way of life was stupid and/or corny.....his enthusiastic approach to the animal kingdom and our world's dangerous creatures.....well, not everyone was a fan, but here was a man who had an idea, he worked at it and became famous for doing what he wanted and was knowledgeable at. He supported his family, he loved his wife, and he died living his dream. I can respect that, fan or not.

R.I.P Mr. Irwin.

Last night while standing on the back steps at Steph's I realized for the first time how long I've been gone. It's been like six weeks....maybe longer! It literally just dawned on me....weeks, I've been gone for weeks. I guess I've been kind of in this dark hole of a depressive state to the point that I was in semi-hibernation....and now I feel like a bear coming out of the cave looking around and thinking....wow....it's spring already!!

I always thought time flies when you are having fun....

The Covered Bride Outing

 

Random Summer Photos....

 

Scenic City Shots

 

My Favorite Part of the Show....the waterfall effect of sparks off the Bridge!

 

Some More Fireworks for Ya'll (yes I said ya'll...I was in Kentucky, what do you expect?)

 

Labor Day in Cincinnati...

I went to the Northern Kentucky/Cincinnati area over the weekend....hung out with Amber and some of my new friends I've met through them....

We went to see the fireworks show they shoot off over the Ohio River on Sunday night, and WOW, what a show....the best is when they lit off the sparks waterfall off the old railroad bridge...it was seriously like breathtakingly beautiful. I was glad that I stayed and didn't head back home early. Going away and spending time with people I love is such good therapy.

We (Ashleigh & I) ended up staying until Monday, taking a tour of the Lumpkin Airport, which by the way is pretty awesome. I actually got to sit in a private plane and feel what it must be like to fly....since I myself have not been a flyer up to this point in my life. Not out of fear mind you, but out of not having the need, or the destination established. My time is coming though, I can feel it!

So what did everyone else do? Tell me of YOUR labor day exploits....afterall, if you are here reading this crap.....then you must have a lot of time on your hands, at least enought time to write me a little story about your weekend right?!?! ;)

Light at the end of the tunnel....

I took this picture a week or so ago at one of NW Ohio's only covered bridges....when I went back and reviewed my shots I'd taken, This one made me think of life....

It has dark corners and a road not always smooth.....but there's something to be said for what is just ahead, always brighter, always warmer.....waiting for you at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes it's hard to keep going, I've felt that way lately....but damnit, I'm back on my feet and I'm heading for the light, I want to feel that warmth on my face....I want to smile and feel alive.

Today I sang along to songs on my radio as I drove to work....it's the first time I've done that in awhile, it's something I used to do every day without fail.

Things are looking up, and sometimes, I feel myself smiling for no particular reason....

*big sigh* I'm starting to feel normal, feeling like myself again....Oh thank GOD!!

Have You Ever Noticed.....

that when fall comes rolling in, everything starts picking up it's pace?

For instance.....cigarrettes burn faster when there's a chill in the air. People seem to hurry to get to where ever it is that they are going.....

I get to break out my long sleeved blouses and hooded sweatshirts...start wearing socks again instead of the open toed sandal.

Kids are back in school, parents rush around to all their many functions, people start using the drive through instead of sitting out front of the MacDonalds in the sun reading the paper.....

Certain foods make a comeback...meatloaf, beef and noodles, pot roast....all foods that go into hiding during the summer, becuase these are the months of the fresh fruit and vegetables, potato salad and ice cream....

hell even those old dudes who drive around after church on Sundays driving the rest of us crazy with their snail speed pace tend to speed it up a bit.

I love fall, don't get me wrong...it's my favorite time of year to be honest...but there's something about summer's long and lazy days that give you a certain feeling of timelessness that no other time of year offers.

It's not officially fall until September 23rd, but it's certainly feeling fallish around here these days....I'm wearing socks, long sleeves and I'm thinking about hot apple cider and taking some fall foilage shots....