So....I tried it....

ZESTRA....

Remember the post where I said I would try it and do a product review if some of you would go out, buy it, try it and also write about your experiences....??  http://hoscorners.blogspot.com/2010/09/anyone-anyone-bueller.html  Remember?

Well I was really disappointed that only THREE people offered to do this with me.....there are millions of reasons in this world, but are any of those reasons REALLY valid when it comes to WHY you WOULDN'T want to have an orgasm today?

Example:  WHY do YOU NOT want to have an orgasm today?

#1 - I have to get the laundry done....house clean....

#2 - I'm tired

#3 - I don't have time

#4 - I don't enjoy orgasms.

#5 - I'm single.

Here's my response to that!

#1 - you can do BOTH!!  Throw in the laundry, soap....etc....go vacuum the floor until the spin cycle....come back, hop on and enjoy DOING the laundry for a change!

#2 - It's a proven fact that an orgasm before you go to bed will not only help you fall asleep FASTER, but it will make you sleep BETTER as well.  Orgasms produce endorphins....which right before bed can even give you sweet dreams as you snooze.

#3 - Don't have time for an orgasm?  Are you kidding me?  EVERYONE has time for one!  You just have to make it part of your routine.....if you can't be spontaneous and participate in your own sexuality, then you SCHEDULE one damnit.....as un romantic as that sounds....just do it until you can't imagine NOT doing it....have one in the shower.....every night before bed, set a date with your spouse when you know the kids will be at soccer or something....but make it a point to make the time.

#4 - LIAR!  sorry, don't meant to be judgmental, but seriously?  WHO doesn't enjoy the most enjoyable pleasure our bodies can give us?

#5 - Oh, don't give me that crap....you don't need a spouse to have one, you don't need anyone.....sure it's nice to play well with others, but in a pinch, we all have the ability to make it happen. {except the rare situation where a person is physically or emotionally unable to achieve orgasm...}

So tell me again why only THREE people agreed to try this product with me?  Ladies?

I tried it last night......yep, sure did.....I sure would like to tell you the results of that venture, however.....I want some participation......someone, ANYONE, write to me and tell me you tried it, what you thought....comment here, whatever you're comfortable with....and I'll write my product review....

Looking forward to hearing from you....whoever you may be!

xoxo

~hl~

Thanks.....um...I think:

So today, an old client came into the office, someone who we haven't seen around there here lawyering parts for quite a few years....

This particular client being um, well we'll call him "special"..."unique"....naturally, me being me and also being cursed to be the FACE OF OUR COMPANY aka, the front desk sitter....developed a rather cordial relationship with said client.  And NO i don't meet we dated, just that, he became a fan favorite of MINE.  When he called, he always asked for me, when he came in to drop off documents or the like....he'd talk to me for twenty minutes or better.....and everyone in the office would tease me saying he was my boyfriend....since he was so partial to me.....now I'm a people person and I'm just a sucker for being NICE to everyone, no matter how much trouble it gets me into....

Anyway....so in walks "JoePublicClientGuy" and tells me what had brought him to seek legal counsel once more....and after 15 minutes or better of conversation and note taking in regards to his "incident"....and me saying, "Ok, I'll have the attorney look everything over and let you know what he thinks"...oh, say 3-4 times...he starts to head towards the door...but not before saying..."Oh, and hey, what's your name?"  

I say "Heather"  

He says:  "Are you the same Heather I always spoke to before?"  

I say "yep, It's me, I'm still here!"  

He says:  "Wow, you look different!"  

Me:  "Um, well ok..."

Him:  "Not bad of course, but you look better...Improved really..."

Me:  *smiles politely*  "thanks"

Him:  "I have went downhill since you've seen me last likely...."

Me:  "Ah, well you look the same to me....not too different"..

Him:  "Well thanks..."

Anyway, what the hell kind of compliment was that anyway?  Was I like hideous before or what?  Geesh....being new and improved means you were old and in need of improvement before doesn't it?

So much for my ego today!

Maybe it is a compliment, cuz seriously, I'm a girl in desperate need of some pampering.  I've not had a haircut since "the great hair debacle of 2009"....

ALMOST A YEAR!  Can you believe that?  I've kinda developed a fear of the stylist chair like other people have with the dentist chair....actually, I'd RATHER have my teeth cleaned than a haircut these days...., I've cut my own bangs several times this year, but if i don't get a haircut soon, I'm going to start to look semi-Amish!  Not even kidding....!  Amish is not exactly the look I'm going for this season!

Plus, I'm pudgy feeling in my mid-section....which my weekends in Chicago will work off so I'm not too worried about that.....but I'm just feeling like frazzled.....like I LOOK frazzled....not as well put together as I'd like.....but hopefully, HOPEFULLY...I'll have my shit together soon.

Here's hoping!

Happy Hump Day My Luvs,

~hl~

Last Night's highlight Reel:

Some things you hope to forget, some things you hope you never do….

We’ll start with the “let’s forget shall we” category! *smiles*

So ….Last night, I’m down in the basement sorting some Laundry….MG and his kid “E” are upstairs gearing up for Monday night football….they are all pumped, and we’re waiting for the garlic bread to finish baking……so we can eat.

I decided to be productive, go sort laundry while I wait….MG comes looking for me….and when he realizes I’m down in the basement….he starts doing this scary voice he does, it’s very Nightmare-on-Elm-Street-ish….and it normally scares the crap outta me….so he starts doing “the voice” from the top of the stairs, I can’t SEE him, but I can hear him…..

My dog Chubs is cowering at my feet….MORE scared than me…..and I’m hollering at MG…Stop it, I’m in the basement, you’re GONNA freak me out down here doing that!!! I even said, Look you’re scaring the crap outta Chubs even! Finally when he was satisfied with his torment of me, MG comes down the stairs and sits on the steps while I finish sorting…..then, outta nowhere, chubs runs towards him, then runs back at me…and starts PISSING….everywhere!!!! Including hiking his leg and pissing all over my shoes and my legs!!! MG starts laughing hysterically! Oh, sure, YOU scare the piss outta the dog and I get the brunt of the urine! SO NOT FAIR!! So after dinner, I got to mop up a river of dog urine…..but I took it in stride, and didn’t take it personally….so I got pissed on…better than pissed OFF right?

So we’re going to try and FORGET that tidbit of last night…..

But the part I really want to always remember is this:

“E”, me and MG are sitting on my big red couch…..the boys at both ends, me in the middle, “E” shares his blanket with me, cover’s up my legs so I’m not cold, {he’s kinda attentive to me like that…..my own little mother hen at times}….and MG’s on the other end. Both Boys are sporting Chicago Bears Jersey’s….MG’s got the “rally cap” on and ready at a moment’s notice…..and I’m wearing my newly acquired bears T-shirt that I bought awhile back…so there we are, all geared up and all snuggled in blankets….anticipating a big Chicago win….and “E” starts laughing and says, “look at us, we look like a family….”

We “look” like a family….and you know what, he was right…..we kinda do. I “feel” like we are so often….I tried to MAKE a family once….and it didn’t work out…..marriages fall apart….babies are never born….but this, if this is a close as I get to family…..you won’t hear me complaining. This is heaven. Heaven dressed in Bears gear.  To be honest, if you asked me to choose, between a FAMILY I helped create...children of my own....OR merging with this existing twosome....I'd have to say, that I'd choose them...MG & E....for as long as they'll have me.

 

I love the honesty and sincere observations of kids… “we look like a family”….a simple little statement….as off hand as it may have been said by him…..it was nonetheless “something” worth noticing.

Oh, AND DA'Bears WON against the PACKERS!

Wooohooo!

Sorry Wisconsin...I have to root w/ my man...I sleep with him! :)

xoxo

~hl~

Last Night:

This last weekend was my last weekend to be spent in Ohio....as for the next five weekends, my new address will be Chicago, Illinois.  Yes, it's that time of year again....it's Pumpkin Farm time....Goebberts Pumpkin Farm will be my new place of residence.....

http://www.pumpkinfarms.com/

This year's going to be a bit more difficult for me....seeing as I've never worked out there when I had to leave someone I loved back home....cuz, well, you guys know, I've not been a "relationship kinda girl" since my divorce.  I've "dated" a little....I've had some loose connections and no strings romances, but to actually HAVE someone you don't want to leave.....well, whew...I'm not sure how my crazy little self is going to handle this.  I mean, I'm kinda relying on the idea that I will be TOO TIRED from working so much to actually feel the anxiety this situation should produce for me, but will i get that lucky?  To dodge THAT bullet?

You know though...It will be kinda cool to have something to come home to...when I was married, I never hurried to get home from anywhere....I knew the only thing waiting for me was an empty house....man I don't miss that....

Anyway...

Last night, while MG was sound asleep, snoring ever so adorably on the couch....and I was laying on him...head resting on his hip.....watching the Jets v. Dolphins game....I lifted my head...probably trying to get more comfy or something...and I looked down at him laying there....his legs slightly curled up....the hair on his big toe, the scar on his leg....mouth partly open...the tattoo on his wrist.....I just had this profound feeling of "yep!"....I didn't ask myself the question "is this what I want....my future"....but without the question even being asked, the words "yep" came to me and I already knew what they were the answer for!  it was very odd to be honest.....to answer questions YOU didn't ask, but YOU seem to know what question you're answering at the same time.....it's the most confusing yet clarifying experience a girl can have with herself......

and yes, yes, I do get how insane and contradictory that sounds, but I can't explain it any better than that....

I'm not ruling out the idea that perhaps i have a split personality or alter ego or something that bounces around inside me and pops out from time to time, asking questions and causing mischief....come to think of it, it sure would explain a lot of things...but that's not the point...the point is this:  I'm very rarely "sure" of things in life....I can be fickle and unpredictable....I have horrible commitment issues....

I'm actually KNOWN for it ...

ask my friend Ashley, I can NEVER commit to being anywhere EVER in advance...I HATE being locked into things.....It's nearly a phobia.....so how I can lift my head, look at this sleeping, snoring, GORGEOUS man laying under me and be able to say "Yep".....to the idea of something "without end" with....well folks, in my world, that's an effin miracle.  I don't get in this deep with people.  I don't get myself in situations where I get TOO attached.....but last week, when MG was going over my car with a fine toothed comb before I started driving to Chicago every weekend....he said "I think WE should change your transmission filter and get that motor mount changed for SURE before you go"....did you hear that?!  "WE"....WE should fix my car.....I know it's small, but it felt big.  

If We = (MG + me)....

I'm all in.  

Now lets just see if we can handle a month of barely seeing each other.....It's my sincerest desire that absence really DOES make the heart grow fonder.....because any other result....well, I think it's safe to say will break my newly hopeful heart into shards so small even a professional wouldn't be able to re-assemble.

Tonight "WE" are watching Monday Night Football at MY HOUSE!  Yeah, at MY HOUSE...Oh, I'm excited, we don't hang out at MY HOUSE often, so tonight's a special treat for me!

Go Bears! ;)

Happy Monday Everyone!

xoxo

~hl~

Kids say the darndest things (right Angie?)

A funny story for you....my sister's mother-in-law Alice always does this thing with my niece when they are saying goodbye...she'll say "Emma...I love you more than...{insert something that's just the bees knees: example:  hot fudge sundaes}"

And Emma always says back to her "I love you more than EVERYTHING!!"  they do this VERY enthusiastically....nearly bouncing up and down with excitement and joyous affection....

my nephew lane well he's never been one to want to participate....it's just not his scene....which is odd considering he's far more lovey dovey than Emma, but whatever....

so the other night, he shocks my sister/his mom when he says he wants to stay bye/iloveyou to grandma Alice...and Alice says "Lane, I love you more than.....{insert something awesome}{insert enthusiasm, etc, etc}....

Lane says back, "yeah, I love you a little bit more than a..... sandwich"...minus enthusiasm...completely serious....and the kicker is, the kid doesn't really even like sandwiches that well!  awwwwwwwwwwwwww.....poor Alice!

 And I thought "I" had it bad when Emma couldn't pronoune my name and therefore called me Heffa, which if you mouth that one out, sounds a lot like HEIFER!!!  What aunt doesn't just LOVE being called a COW!!

lol

So when you're without a smile...remember life could be worse, someone could love you a "little bit more than a sandwich!"

xooxox
~hl~

{All pictures courtesy of Google Images}

An Article that I liked....just wanted to share it with you guys....

You'll know the recession is 'really' over when ...
Ann Brenoff
Sep 24th 2010 at 12:00PM


While the news broke this week that the National Bureau of Economic Research proclaimed the recession ended in June 2009, it unleashed a guffaw that could be heard from coast-to-coast. Truth is, those guys really don't have a clue. Sorry dudes, but we here at WalletPop are on the front lines of the recession and no offense to your lofty perches, but you really need to come down now. What follows is WalletPop's top 10 signs to know when the recession is really over.
1) When your boss actually replaces an employee who retires or quits instead of having you do all their work.
This recession taught corporations that they could just dump more work on remaining staff when they axed people. With employees terrified that they might be let go next, everyone just sucks it up. Paying overtime? An antiquated tradition. Unions? Haven't been heard from lately. The truth is, U.S. corporations have absolutely been big winners in this recession. As Northeastern University's Center for Labor Market Studies has documented, pretax corporate profits increased $388 billion since the second quarter of 2009, but the amount of wages paid to workers increased just $68 billion. Greed, my friends, greed.

2) When your laid-off friends start getting hired at jobs with benefits. Unemployment statistics lie. They don't tell the full picture. They measure how many people have filed for jobless benefits, that's all. They don't count the under-employed, the people who got tired of sending their resumes into a black hole, those who are getting by with odd jobs and holding garage sales every weekend for grocery money. There is a whole underground workforce who manage with a string of no-benefit part time freelance jobs. Nurses, lawyers, writers -- they cobble together a series of gigs to pay the bills each month. Businesses would rather control their costs this way. They hire who they need, when they need them. If illness or misfortune should somehow befall the poor serf, there is no health coverage, paid time off, or disability insurance to kick in. And the business will just move on to the next serf.

3) When you don't have to live with your parents anymore. According to Dr. Phil -- well, why not? -- there are close to 14 million adult children living at home. He calls them moochers. We think of them as victims of the recession. Where else should your recent college graduate go when he can't find a job? All the Amana boxes under the freeway are taken. Vibrant Nation says that almost 37% of all Boomer women have an adult child or children living under their roof.

4) When it becomes financially feasible to get a divorce again. Divorce rates have plummeted in this recession. No, not because our knights suddenly found their misplaced shining armor. Divorce in this recession is a one-way ticket to financial ruin. You can't sell your house; one spouse can lose health coverage; you can't set up two households for the cost of one; chances are, you can't even really afford LegalZoom to fill out the papers for you. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers says that about 37% of its members have experienced a drop in business, the poor dears. According to W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project, divorce rates fell from 17.5 per 1,000 married women in 2007 to 16.9 per 1,000 married women in 2008. Divorce rates peaked in 2005-06 when housing prices and the stock market were at their peak. So what if your spouse lies, cheats, or essentially bores you to death? There are worse things. And eating cat food is just one of them.

5) When a vacation involves airplane travel and you sleep in a hotel bed, not your sister-in-law's house. No matter how much we sing songs of praise for stay-cations, who are we really kidding? The fact is that any time you are cooking your own meals, doing your own laundry and having to make your own bed, it's not a real vacation. A vacation means to go away, to vacate the daily routine, to not compulsively check our Blackberry's in case someone wants to interview us for a job. Tourism has been down throughout the country. Not even Las Vegas, once thought to be recession-proof, has been spared empty hotel rooms.

6) When Starbucks isn't full on a weekday afternoon. Starbucks, and other places like it with free WiFi, have become the official office for the unemployed and under-employed. It's a splurge that's relatively affordable that gets you out of the house for a few hours. We send out resumes from here, blog posts from here, chat up the regulars. And hey, who wouldn't get excited about a pumpkin spice latte? Plus if you suck up enough to the manager, maybe you can get hired. Starbucks has a great benefits package for part-timers.

7) When you no longer have a relationship with coupons. Imagine a time when if you forgot your grocery coupons that you didn't turn around and go back home to get them? Or going out to dinner to a restaurant without a coupon? It seems like a long time ago, doesn't it? Our need for a deal has spurred the growth of sites like Groupon and DealNews.com. Heck, it's probably why you became a fan of WalletPop.

8) When you can list your house for sale and reasonably expect it to sell within three months at a price higher than what you paid for it. Interest rates are at all-time lows and still nobody is buying. Home prices in some places have been cut in half and yet inventory grows. Federal tax incentives gave a short shot of adrenaline to the home sales market but once they expired, so did the patient. Many experts believe that the housing market is the key to the rest of the economy. If that's the case, maybe the banks ought to try giving out an occasional loan without requiring your first born as collateral.

9) When trying to get a bargain becomes a sport instead of a necessity. When you go to happy hours because you feel like being social instead of going for the free food. When you smuggle popcorn into the movies because it feels so naughty, not because you can't afford to buy it there. Actually, make that when movie night means leaving the house.

10) When you can afford a new car, your 401k has been restored, you've reset your emergency fund with 6 months of living expenses and the term "99ers" is erased from your memory. Amen.

http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2010/09/24/youll-know-the-recession-is-over-when/

A week of Remembering....

I tell you, you forget shit as you get older...and I don't mean like I have Alzheimers, but as we get older, I swear we get better and better at the art of suppression.  My divorce was nearly 4 years ago....and I, as each day goes by, I forget how unhappy I was, I forget that feeling of helplessness that only a bad marriage can bestow upon you....all the fights, the frustration, the crying into my pillow while a snoring heap of a husband was sound asleep without a care in the world beside me....and when i DO start to remember, I nearly have a panic attack just on the fringe of remembrance...and I say "Geesh....how on earth did I come out on the other side of that?"

This week, a friend of mine finally told me about some things going on with her.....I naturally was tipped off to her personal situation through the hated "small town grapevine".....and while other inquiring minds wanted to know....I decided not to ask her.  I did wonder, naturally, not out of gossipy craving, but because I care about my friends, and if ever I can help....be it just listening, or distracting them with nonsensical stories that always seem to happen to me....I'm there, or I want to be if they'll let me....but my friend didn't breathe a word of it to me, and I figured, if/when she felt up to it, she would.....so I waited, and hoped one day she'd trust me enough, or be in a good enough place to open up about things.....

This week, she finally did......and it was like having a page ripped out of my old diary and being read back to me.....having heard her story....her pain, her personal struggle....wow, talk about a floodgate of my own experiences coming rushing back!  And not that i regret now knowing my friend's story.....I'm honored that she's let me "be there" for her in this difficult time, but it's just like, being reminded of my own life....a life that doesn't feel like 4 years away...but 4 BILLION years ago!  A part of me has seriously buried the sadness i felt back then, or maybe I was so dead inside then, that literally, the part of me that WOULD remember those times is as dead as my wedding gown that my ex-husband's new wife gave away to the thrift store in town.

I know not a lot of people believe that a divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to a girl....and in a lot of always, it nearly broke me down to the point I wasn't sure I could be repaired....but, honestly, wow, what a ride!  Lessons learned the hard way, are oh, so valuable.  Funny how when you learn them THE HARD WAY....you seem to never need to learn them more than once!

While the glimpse into my wedded-non-bliss was painful, remembering that look in my eyes that used to stare back at me in my mirror's reflection was haunting, it was needed.  I hope to NEVER forget where I've been.  I want the painful times ALWAYS make me thankful for happy ones....May my mistakes guide my future successes....and may one spectacularly failed relationship teach me what NOT to do in the next one.

Pain.....it's funny how one minute, it cripples you and you think you'll never survive it, and the next, you have to TRY to remember it.

And to anyone out there who's going through a situation you don't know how to even BEGIN to talk about to your family and friends.....start with the truth!

The TRUTH, never lies.

xoxo

~hl~

Anyone....? Anyone? Bueller?

Who out there likes to discover new things?

Feel like trying something new....?

I read an article recently about a sexual enhancing product for WOMEN....that's having a really hard time getting their product marketed on television.  Apparently, America is 100% A-ok with penile dysfunction and every tom/dick/& harry's marketing of drugs to perfect the erection.....I mean SAVE THE PENIS television ads have been one our televisions for quite some time now....so what gives Television Execs?  Why can't we save the clitoris over here?  Why is it ok for Herbal Essence ads to have women having orgasmic showers from an awesome shampoo, but we can't even TALK about how:  "Only about a third of women experience orgasm regularly during intercourse. A third can reach orgasm with intercourse but need extra stimulation. A third never achieve orgasm during intercourse but can by manual and oral stimulation." 

Now, I'm not advocate for women's sexual health and wellness....I'm not a medical professional, but I am interested in things, life.....and I am a woman who enjoys my own sexuality....so how can a story like this NOT cause a certain curiosity....ya know?

So, I'm offering a field study to the makers of Zestra....and I'm asking YOU ALL....to join me.  To participate.  I would like to get a group of TEN women to try this product and write to me about their experience.  If you would like to be anonymous, I will provide you with it, if you'd like your review to be public and have yourself be the known author, we can do that too!  Whatever you are comfortable with.

So This is a call to my fellow sexually active women.....Want to spice up a regular Tuesday night....Want to throw a new twist to a sexual routine?  Want to possibly have an orgasm where you don't normally?  Let's see if this product deserves it's airtime on national television..shall we?

So who's in?  Who will participate in this with me?

Apply right here in the comments section or e-mail me privately at Turkey42@hotmail.com.

Zestra is readily available without prescription at 

SO?!?!?!?!?  Who's in for a little excitment?  A little toe curling action?  C'mon....be brave.....lets do a product review together...it'll be fun!

looking forward to hearing from you....don't let me down...this is one review you might really ENJOY doing....

xoxo

~hl~

Things that make you smile Part 2

Remember awhile back I wrote to you about something that ALWAYS made me smile?

Well if not, refresh yourself and then come back and read on:  Let me Be your Hero

Well, there's something new that makes me smile...and anytime I find something that lights up a dark day, I like to share it with you guys....

So in "Let me be your hero"...it was Latin heartthrob Enrique's accent that had me warming from the inside out....well, let there be a new accent....

It's the infamous Ruben from "Along Came Polly"

Scuba Claude sound bite  Along Came Polly sound bites

Huge boat sound bite  Along Came Polly sound bites

Claude's love sound bite  Along Came Polly sound bites

Say it with me "are you for scuba?"

MG always does this voice for me, I LOVE it....

When I'm having a bad day...I always say in my best/worst french accent..."are you for scuba?"

It's dumb, but it works.

*shrugs*

~hl~

I think Pink said it best....

.....when she said:

Never win first place, I don't support the team

I can't take direction and my socks are never clean

Teachers dated me, my parents hated me

I was always in a fight 'cuz I can't do nothin' right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person starin' back at me

I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

Its bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Now, before you think I'm having some sort of identity crisis, let me clarify by saying.... not ALL the lyrics apply.....I've taken the liberty to highlight the parts I find especially poignant.in my case....

Ever notice that in relationships, a lot of times, the fights are about the same crap all the time....like for instance, when I was married me and my ex always had the EXACT same fight, BIG tiff, about twice a year.  Hunting Season and Fishing Season, we'd have a knock down, drag-em out fight with the EXACT same theme.  PRIORITIES, PRIORITIES, PRIORITIES!

He'd absolutely neglect me, our marriage, his responsibilities around the house, financial responsibilities....he'd get SO involved in his hobbies, that he'd let the world around him fall to shit....and I'd always take it, for weeks on end...and then finally, when I'd had ENOUGH....we'd have our bi-annual fight....to which, obviously, never did any good, since we are now divorced....but anyway, the point is, in many relationships, we have "issues" that seem to be reoccurring....

I'm having "issues" with MG.  and sadly, they seem to be reoccurring. :(

I don't want to have "issues"....

I don't LIKE feeling like something's wrong...

especially when the feeling is absolutely mine to own.

If you asked MG, he's say that I have a nervous breakdown if I don't see him everyday...and I'll give him that, that does APPEAR to be what i "looks like"...however, it's not the case really....it's just how it "looks"....

Truthfully, my nervous breakdowns stem from situations when there's distance prefaced with an "offness" prior TO that distance.

For example:  (my latest nervous breakdown)....last Saturday, I went out of town with MG....and we had a GREAT day, all day long, even though we were at an outdoor event, and it rained all day and I was cold and wet MOST of the time, I still had the best COLD WET DAY ever, because all my days seem to be enjoyable when I'm with him......so you can imagine my disappointment, when we got home, and he fell asleep and when I tried to rouse him to see if he was going to sleep on the couch all night, or get up.....he thought I was copping an attitude, and I felt like he bit my head off.  He barked at me.  I don't respond well to being snapped at, regardless of the fact that my dad beat the ever-luvin crap outta me on a hundred occasions, while I'm used to bruises, I'm still very sensitive to tongue lashings from people I love.  So when MG bites, I bleed...like a homopheliac that can't seem to heal herself....things go from paper cut to mortal wound in record time let me tell you.....

Sooooooo....then, the next day, I wake up at his house, I try to wake him up to leave, he doesn't respond, I kiss him goodbye...SAY goodbye to his unconcious body and I leave.  I text him after I think he'll be awake...he doesn't respond.  I text him again later..."you not talking to me today?" to which he does finally respond, but the response feels cooler than normal....or so my brain interprets (this is where it all starts to unravel btw)....we text a little more....still....something "feels" off....

That evenening, before I leave Dayton to make our nearly two hour trip home, i text him and ask him what he's doing "later"....because, when I start to get "that feeling"....the one thing that can put me back on track, is seeing him....having him wrap his arms around me...it soothes away my inner crazy....so when he texted back "I kinda have plans"...my heart sank, and my stomach tightened and I wanted to throw up.  He didn't say WHAT his plans were....normally when he HAS plans, he'd say something like "have to run to dad's tonight"...."i have to work on a truck"...."helping a buddy roof his house"....whatever the case may be, but he didn't, he offered me "plans" and left it at that.  So I thought, "he doesn't want to see me"....

Throw in a two hour drive home....LOTS of time to think and worry.....and viola, you have the recipe for one of my INFAMOUS nervous breakdowns....I didn't even hardly talk to my mom on the way home, i offered to her that I was just tired, but really, I was a mess....

I never heard from him the rest of the night....

By the next day, we're at a code RED level....I teeter between being totally numb, to being in tears....consumed by this crazy fear that "this is it"....waiting for the inevitable anvil to fall on my head....crushing me into nothingness, which to be honest, I'm a perpetual optimist in life normally, but for some reason, I'm a Wile E. Coyote when it comes to relationships...I'm always an anvil away from imploding.

MG texts me...."hey, hey"...

I say:  "hi {insert his name here}"

He says:   "wow, so what's with the name"...as i very rarely call him by his name in text...i always call him "handsome" or "baby" or "gorgeous" or something...cuz he is all these things to me...

I act like I don't know what he's talking about....

he informs me that he finds it odd...{he's on to me at this point that i'm being weird}

I just confess that I'm not being myself and say "i'm sorry"

he asks what's wrong

I confess that I feel like something's wrong

he (NOT in the mood for my insanity since he quit dipping (tobacco) this week is cranky and edgy anyway!) says:  "I think we're fine, but if you think we are not, then maybe we aint!"

Then he says something about me having an attitude on saturday, then left without saying goodbye (i knew he'd think i did that on purpose)...and then he says something about not being a mind reader, doesn't want to be, and SHOULDN'T HAVE to be!

{and so it begins}

This is where I start having the "it's over" mentality....

I reply to him..."well then, i will tell you....i am never alright until you put your arms around me...and I promise...swear  even...what you thought was attitude...soooooooo wasn't..."

....to which I type absolutely in tears at this point...

He doesn't reply....

Enough time goes by for me to turn into "Catastrophy Heather"  or "end of the world Heather"...and I simply type "are you done with me then?"

Because that's where my mean torturous mind GOES when things go like this...and begins the song....

I was always in a fight 'cuz I can't do nothin' right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror

I can't take the person starin' back at me

I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

 and folks, I so AM!  I'm the kind of girl in a relationship that should have little orange cones all the way around her...to warn unsuspecting people of the hazards of dating me.

When things are good, I'm can be a GREAT girlfriend.  When things veer off into tumultuous, my ability to act like a normal rational human being is seriously tested.  Everything seems to come at me so fast....that every reaction seems to be knee-jerk....every emotion veto's my decision making...and just, well for lack of a more poetic way to say it, I just react badly!

my response to this kind of thing is like the body's response to something it doesn't like...

the body breaks out into hives, apparently i break out into hysterics!

I am fairly certain I am a prime candidate for some sort of anti-anxiety medication....

at least have some "in case of emergency" stash of something to take in times like these....

but sadly, I always seem to do things the hard way....

so with me, I suffer through this kind of crap, in hopes to ONE day develop the coping skills I need to handle situations like a smooth operator...*laughs*...and yes, I realize regularly that if there's one thing I'm not, and will likely EVER be...is SMOOTH!

I'm smooth's antonym

 look it up, betcha it's there!

Is there anyone out there, reading this who can help?

Is there hope for me?

Lucky for me.....MG's so far been able to take me at my crazy....and when the storm begins to pass....and the dust begins to settle....he asks me if I'm alright...if i'm "better"...and then when he sees me....he greets me like he did yesterday, with a "hey there lunatic, how's it go'in?"  Names like "crazy" and "lunatic" are generally welcomed....as I'm fairly certain I deserve it....not sure I deserve HIM....but he takes me at my worst....so I always try to give him my best the REST of the time.

Yesterday morning, as he was leaving for work,  MG kissed me goodbye....as I was lying in his bed...he said "have a great day, {insert kiss here} and don't have any crazy thoughts today!" {insert another kiss here}...and then he was gone....

It's hard not to love someone who gives you pep talks like that in the morning...

I don't want to be crazy *pouts*

Please tell me I'm not alone...

Please tell me that somewhere, someone reading this has crazy moments too....

That other people have "issues" when it comes to being "normal"...

that someone somewhere can love me....EVEN when I'm crazy.

I know Pink feels me....

now if i could just have her "abs"...THEN we'd REALLY have a lot in common!

you know......, Having "something to lose"....is amazingly terrifying!

~hl~

What would YOU do?

Yesterday I was traveling home from Dayton after a long day of Kayaking with my sister and my mom on the little Miami River...{pictures to follow later...}

and I was driving northbound on I-75....the sun was beginning to set....my eyes hurt from being on the water all day..and I was rubbing them when I thought I saw something that caught my immediate attention.....as we approached an overpass, I saw what appeared to be a man laying face down in the rocks at the top of the underside of the overpass.....arms at his sides, limp....one leg slightly up as if he had crawled up there or was thrown there and died.

I've never seen a body more lifeLESS in my entire life.  I blinked, and couldn't believe my eyes...did I just witness a dead body along the side of the road?

What do I do?  Do I stop....do I go back....walk up and nudge the lifeless body?  Do I call for help?  How silly will I sound saying I think I saw a dead man laying along side of the most traveled highway in Ohio?

Do I really want to touch/discover a dead body?  What if it's a ploy to attack good Samaritan motorists?  I didn't know what to do...so I told my mom....I told her what I saw and she didn't believe me at first, but I convinced her that I was sure of what I saw...it wasn't a tarp, or a carpet, I SAW THE BOTTOM OF HIS SHOES...I knew what I saw....

But we drove on....in silence.  It was seriously disturbing to me, so once I got home, I called the Ohio State Highway Patrol and reported what I saw....I had a made a mental note of what mile marker we were near and counted back the approximate overpasses from that location so I could alert them to the area to go and check....and when I asked them if they had any other calls, they did in fact have other motorists call in.....so I wasn't crazy, they saw it too!  They said that they also had reports of a man walking down the highway around mile marker 97, which was a few back from the 99 that I marked mentally.  So was he walking and struck?  was he drunk and passed out?  Was it even the same person at all?

I've never seen an alive person lay face down in rocks on purpose....not when there is soft green grass only 5 feet away.....the sun was setting, and it wasn't raining, so he wasn't under there to protect him from the elements....so I don't know...I don't know if he was dead or alive....but I do know I couldn't NOT make the call to send help, if help was needed.

So tell me, if you thought you saw what I knew I saw, would you call?  Would you stop?  Would you have climbed up that steep rock surface to possibly discover a dead body at your feet?

Weigh in.....

I'm curious....

~hl~

Friday Morning Frazzled:

So this morning was fun.....There I was, in line for breakfast at McDonald's Drive thru....I pull up to the pay window, flip open my purse to fish out my wallet to pay and pull out a bra instead!  Ya gotta love staying the night at your boyfriends, only to shove your bra that you pick up off the floor into your purse as you run out the door from his house to yours.....rush around getting ready for work....only to pull yesterday's bra out of today's purse in front of the very nice lady at McDonalds!

Guess a girl can never have enough support.....

What's in your Wallet?

~hl~

Funny Moments:

So I mentioned that MG and I and his boy E went to the Movies the other night....but what I didn't mention is one of the funniest moments that happened while AT the movies....

So we're watching "Dinner for Schmucks" and in the movie, Steve Carell's character tells the story of what happened to his relationship with his wife....why she left him....he explains that he "lost her clitoris"....then goes on to say....At one point he thought maybe it was under the couch but that turned out to be just a piece of gum.....Then he says, for her to check in her purse, because usually when she loses something, it's always in her purse....

and the whole time, I'm waiting for it....waitingggggggg....and then THERE it was....E's 13 year old head, popped up from the back seat and saying EXACTLY what I thought he'd say "what's a clitoris?".....My eyes got wide, i covered my mouth as I was dying laughing!  DYING I tell you!  I gave MG a sideways glance and saw the 1/2 embarrassed/laughing,  half parent-ally horrified look on his face....and his smile was absolutely PRICELESS!!  I wish I could of captured that look....THAT look could cheer up a death row inmate about to be executed.

Finally after some muffled laughter from me and some contemplation from MG...he finally said, lets just say...ummmm....it's a vagina....E says, then why would it be in her purse?  We just laughed, and told him to watch the movie!

At intermission, when we got out of the car to stretch our legs...E stayed in the car....and MG came around to my side to hug/hold me in the cold night air....and I just burried my face into his chest and said, "I'm NEVER going to forget tonight as long as I live!" and he says "...and why's that?" and I say "Because tonights the night your son asked what a clitoris is...and we'll always look back and remember when he was young and innocent and didn't know what one was!"...I smiled into his warm chest and said "I'll never forget this night ever"....and you know...I doubt I ever will.

I won't ever get moments like this with the kids I'm never going to have....this is all I get....these moments...with MG's kid, with my nieces and nephew's maybe....friend's kids...but this relationship with MG has brought a kid actually INTO my life....I get to be there for this kind of stuff....and, I am so lucky....I feel honored to be here...to be a part of this....whatever "this" is....or might someday be.

I LOVE that MG's a package deal....Some people call kids baggage from past relationships....to me, E's the cherry on a sundae....icing on the cake....he only sweetens the deal.  I wouldn't wish for even a second that MG's past didn't live in the bedroom down the hall.  I don't see E as a reminder of MG's previous relationships, lost loves....cuz all I see when I look at E, is sooooooo much MG!  So often I tousle his hair and say "OMG, you're so your dad!!"

He could NEVER be baggage in my eyes...

He's just such an amazing kid....

I know I've been whining here lately....I don't want you to think that I'm all whiney all the time over here....so I thought it might be nice to share something "good" to counteract the "bad" that I've been feeling ....I think perhaps it's important to have balance. :)

~hl~