AND THIS IS WHY BOYS STINK!!

They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas….this does NOT apply to Chicago. What happens in Chicago, DOES NOT stay in Chicago, it comes with you, follows you like a cloud…..

This was my first weekend working at the pumpkin farm…doing pony rides and working at the zoo for my brother-in-law. Day one (Friday Night) arrive in Chicago around 11:00 pm Ohio time, 10:00 p.m. Chicago time. My brother-in-law and “Justin” are there to greet me. Hugs all round, and a cold beer is promptly put into my hand…and I drank and listened to the news of the day, progress of getting things ready for opening day and then listened to Matt play the guitar, showcasing his song he wrote about “Medical Marijuana”…awesome song btw.

So, after we finish up at the farm, we head back to the Red Roof in on South Barrington Road and I haul all my stuff to my room and I’m ready to crash. But then Justin comes and finds me, helps me bring all my stuff to my room and then talks me into going for a beer run to the 7-eleven down the street. I am tired but I go….I didn’t drive since I’d been drinking…

We get beer, go back to the hotel, start watching “The Recruit” with Colin Farrell and I start getting sleepy. After working all day, hurrying to get everything ready to leave, and then driving 4 ½ hours out there…..AND THEN drinking on top of it, I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open, so I told the boys goodnight and headed to my room.

A few minutes later….*knock knock* goes the door…..I kinda wondered if that was going to happen….I open the door, there’s “Justin” and he’s like, I’m bored, can I watch the rest of the movie with you? I say sure and let him in.

After all I haven’t seen “Justin” in over three years, and to be honest, I missed him. He and I have known each other since we were at least 14-15 years old, and he even lived with my family for a year or so when he worked on our farm for my dad.

We talked about stuff, his divorce, mine, what his brother was up to, what my family was up to…..he wound up on MY bed with me, and strangely, as I feel asleep, I felt him curl up behind me…in spooning position….him on top of the covers, me beneath them and I fell asleep warm and embraced, and while it was strange on one hand, but comfortable and familiar on the other….so I allowed myself to sleep. “Justin” didn’t do anything he shouldn’t of, he didn’t take advantage of my sleepiness, or slightly drunken state, just slept and then got up in the morning and left.

I needed it too….some comfort spooning….I tell ya, sex is easy to get, spooning WITHOUT sex, now that’s a bit trickier! *laughs*

So, the next day, I’m working the Pony ring….my legs are flexing, my back muscles working overtime…..my feet suddenly realize this isn’t a test, that it is THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN…and we’re in it for the long haul. Oh….myyyyy.

Saturday night, I’m beat, I desperately am trying to get finished up at the farm so I can get a shower. My hair is dusty and gritty, and I’m starving.

So I go back to the hotel, get a shower, have dinner with Matt, Ang, Emma & Lane (Sister & Brother in-law, niece & nephew) and then head off to bed around 9:00 p.m. “Justin” was supposed to be staying in my room tonight since Ang and the kids were staying with Matt. I figured since “Justin” stayed in my room the night before, what would be the difference if his suitcase stayed there too right? WRONG!

He calls me right when I get into bed from down the hall at one of the other worker’s room and says, “Hey, can you leave the door open for me, I don’t have a key”…I say to him “well, ok, but how long you going to be, I don’t want to leave it open and get murdered and raped while waiting for you to find your way down here”… he says “I’ll be there in a little bit”….apparently a little bit is like two hours in “boy-time”

Around 11:00, I heard a ruckus, people cheering, clapping, drunken carrying on of sorts, and it woke me up. I heard them saying something about a skunk. I thought to myself, what on earth are they talking about a skunk for? Next thing you know, I smell skunk. It’s awful….I wonder how long it will take for it to go away….two minutes later, “Justin” is at the door, and I had got up and shut the door a few minutes earlier thinking that’s how the skunk smell was getting in my room, through the crack in the door. I saw “Justin” standing at the door through the window, I let him in and crawled back into bed. I asked him what the heck was going on out there…and that I could smell a skunk really bad, he just said sorry and went into the bathroom and closed the door.

I feel back to sleep….but I kept waking up coughing and having stressful breathing, as the smell continued to get worse. At this point, I’m wondering if a Skunk snuck in my room through the open door or something. “Justin” comes out of the bathroom, wrapped only in a towl, gets into bed and says… “Does it still stink in here?”…and I’m like “Can’t you smell that, it’s horrible and getting worse by the minute.

I lay there longer….the smell is making my eyes water, so I keep them closed. I start to worry all of my stuff will smell if I don’t escape this room, so I get out of bed, start to pack up my things to leave the room. Then “Justin” says “You are going to hate me forever aren’t you?”…and I’m like…. “What on earth are you even talking about?!?!?!” He just gets up, packs his things and leaves the room, says he must be what stinks. I tell him, you might as well stay…cause I was already leaving regardless. But he continued on out the door and disappeared from view.

I went to Ang & Matt’s room two down from mine, knocked on the door and a shirtless Matt answered the door, I say, “Can I stay with you guys?” he says come on in. Ang gets up and informs me the smell was “JUSTIN”…he caught a skunk in the parking lot on a bet and got sprayed! So me and Ang went to my room, started hauling all my belongings out and the smell was so overwhelming at this point, we began to choke and gag and nearly vomit.

Here, I guess the other workers bet “Justin” that he couldn’t catch the wild skunk in the parking lot, and he just couldn’t, through his drunken haze, not take that bet. He may of caught that skunk….but he lost any chance for spooning the sequel in Room 311, because unlike the skunk, I could escape and elude him.

Unfortunately, the damage had been done, everything I own smelled like skunk. Everything from my ball cap to my panties, my chap stick, my socks, my sleeping eye mask….everything. Skunky.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, this is just another case of why, and I can’t stress this enough, why you should be careful who you spoon, because it seems more times than not, you just wind up….FORKED!

In the Movie “Hope Floats”, there’s a line where the little girl Bernice says: "At home we had a pet skunk. Mama used to call it Justin Matisse. Do you think that's just a coincidence? All day long she would to scream, "YOU STINK JUSTIN MATISSE!" Then one day she just picked up a club and killed it. "

And the next day, when “Justin” kept coming up to the pony ring, saying… “I’m sorry Heather”…I just wanted to look at him and say “YOU STINK JUSTIN MATICE!”…he wouldn’t of got it most likely, he surely deserved it.

Online Dating - Darren's Experience { PART 1 OF 2}

Okay, so my friend Darren is an awesome guy. We've been friends for what seems like forever, and he really is the best. Well, so remember I said awhile back how he was dating this chick and she was giving him some mixed signals....well that saga had continued....and as a result, her inconsistency was making him a bit nuts. He didn't know if he was up or down, if things were good, nonexistent, or if things were progressing. I felt horrible for his plight...and I told him perhaps it wasn't good to put all his eggs in one basket.

As he and I are both divorced, and well, getting back into a relationship can be a bit tricky when you've been out of one, and dealing with the remnants of a failed marriage....we all are a bit uncertain in the beginning stages with someone new. We worry, we fret, many of us are faced with insecurities we didn't know we had....and some jump head first...while others are too scared to even act like they care AT ALL!

But my Darren, he's a gem, he wholeheartedly, put himself out there with this girl. He felt that she was worth it...and I envy his faith in love and in the opposite sex.

But still, I said, maybe there's just too much pressure for this to work since this is essentially the first girl that you actually liked....there was the Billy Crystal look-alike girl he dated twice....well, she wasn't anything to get excited about....but this girl, to him, she was really something. So in an effort to take the pressure off this....to let him know that there were more fish in the sea, IF she really was just toying with him and his sweet nature.....I told him to date other women. Maybe it was a good idea, maybe it wasn't.....and he protested....he offered that there aren't any women around...he don't go to bars to meet them, etc....and that's when I hit him with the online dating idea. I told him to just do it, see what's out there....and to my amazement, a day or so later, he wrote to me and told me that he took my advice and had joined one. By the end of week one, he was sending me pictures of some girls who he had met on the service, and in time he even set up a date with one.....who incidental turned out to have the personality of a piece of dry toast....but yet, he forged on, planned to go out with date #2....who before he could even date, turned out to be a crazy person....like the kind that no person in their right mind would date....not even desperate drunk losers could stand this girl....Darren actually compared her voice to that of "nails on a chalkboard"....which was only compounded by the fact that she only wanted to talk about herself, and even after he told her on the phone that he had to go, at least five times...WOULDN'T SHUT UP! WOULD NOT! So, after the sixth time of him saying that he really had to go, and her once again ignoring him, he hung up the phone....something which a guy like Darren would never do in a million years, so I can't imagine how awful it must of been to drive HIM to those extremes.

Needless to say, Darren's membership expires in a couple days...and he's not renewing....

Now....be sure to stay tuned for the next post....it gets better.........

A Product Review:

So I'm not a big drinker right?...right! Well, Labor Day weekend, I was invited out drinking with my cousins Kami & Ken, cousin-in-law Kevin, and my two new friends Tiffany and Emily. Great girls. Anyway, so there we are, in the car picking everyone up and Kami says..."Here...take this" and hands me a pill.....

Now granted, there are a lot of pills out there that are super fun to take on occasion, but this one was like one I'd never seen before....it was called "Chaser"...it was a hangover preventative medication. I'm like "Sweet!"....the last thing anyone WANTS to be is hungover right?! So Tiff, Kam, Em and myself all administer ourselves a dosage of the medication and proceed to get our drink on. I drank a six pack of Landshark (which is my new favorite beer btw) and then did shots, and a couple more shots.....ate a hotdog, got ketchup on my white shirt......which I was completely oblivious to while drunk, but terribly disappointed about sober...and then a couple more shots to make sure the damage was really done right....

Anyway, it was a chaser kind of night, I danced, I sang, I believe there are pictures floating around of me wearing an Indian Head-dress that I have absolutely no recollection of....and it was 3:00 in the morning before we left the party in the woods and headed towards home.

The night was filled with cleavage, cousins, familiar faces, laughter and intoxicants.....there was mystery, intrigue, fire starting and schemes.....a "Chaser" night if there ever was one.

The next day I awoke to find that I had a cowboy hat and bandanna that I had no idea where they came from....my white shirt was stained with ketchup....and last but not least, one of THE worst hangovers of my life. Head pounding like a purposeful swinging of a sledge hammer by someone who knew how to use it....an iffy stomach....and OMG was I thirsty. I must of drank a gallon of water to satisfy my thirst. I literally didn't recover even into night, when Steph brought me over a coke at 10:30 p.m. just to make sure I had something in me to bring me back to life so to speak. It was Labor Day, and every single solitary thing I did was laborious due to that hangover.

So, after gathering my bearings, working on editing all the photo's I needed to have finished and delivered to MaryJane the following day...I polled the girls. Four girls, two hangovers. Kami & I....sick the whole next day. Tiff and Em, right as rain.

From what I personally experienced, it's 50/50 on whether it'll work. I think if you are an avid drinker who drinks on a regular basis, perhaps it will work for you....but I don't drink often, and no little pill could seem to save me from the punishment that I brought upon myself in my night of boozing and debauchery amongst friends and family.

So, for you drinkers out there....give it a try, it's not terribly expensive and if it works for you, you'll find it to be priceless. If it doesn't, hey, at least ya know right?

When Life Throws You Tomatos....

have fun with it......

So the other day, my friend uhh.....Jack....was over. We were laying there talking about how he's got to get out of this town.....he wants to move away, make it big in the world....make something of himself.

He told me how he thought Delphos/Lima was a vacuum that sucked people in, but wouldn't let them out.

I listen to him, I heard the frustration in his voice and I thought to myself...."Fuck, it must really suck having so much ambition!" And it MUST! I cannot even begin to imagine waking up each day crawling in my own skin, feeling like a rat in a cage...longing for escape.

My biggest ambition lately is winning the lottery, a thought that is fun to entertain myself with, however, I never ACTUALLY think I'll win, just always hope. And we all know, that winning the lottery takes no effort, you can't work hard at it....but here Jack is, planning out his future, what he'll have to sacrifice to get it...and I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Not having Jack's drive...does that make me lazy, or lucky?

Jack's not alone either....he's joined by many, many more just like him. All longing to bust out, do better, have more....always striving, always driven...the only "drive" I seem to have is a sex drive, and well, we all know the trouble THAT'S gotten me into....

My favorite Comedian, Drew Hastings....he does this bit in his stand-up about sex for men as they grow older. He talks about how as a young man, he's all into it, giving it his all....frantically seeking friction and orgasm within a woman.....and should he find himself, accidentally to miss a beat and exit the woman, all he could think about was getting back in.....back to fucking. Then he goes on to say that as an older man, should the same situation occur, it's less of a driving force....he might even pause to make a sandwich during the unexpected downtime.....*laughs*

That's kinda how I feel.....like...eh, this is what's going on, this is where things are....might as well just roll with it. Make the most of the everyday situations....and it's not like I've given up.....and I'll seize an opportunity when it presents itself, but I'm not one to let my ambitions be a driving force....a driving force that takes the wheel and steers me to discontentment.

A good friend of mine just re-joined the workforce after a nearly 10 year hiatus...a hard step to take....and they tell me all the time....that they HATE IT. HATE WORKING. Me, I just go, do it, and am happy when the day is done and I get to come back home. I don't hate it, I don't love it, I just do it.

I laughed at myself the other day while driving to work.....the morning commute....driving 55 since i can't speed anymore....and I got behind this semi hauling tomatoes. I was right behind them, and tomatoes kept falling out....splattering everywhere...some imploded on impact, while others bounced and rolled down the road...and towards my car. So me....being me....I started swerving a little to see if I could hit them, you know, run them over. It was a fun game too, simple objective...run over the tomatoes....and when one of them splattered all over my windshield after a extraordinary bounce, I laughed out loud....gosh it was fun, simple, pure, free fun.

I don't know if everyone is a "somebody".....maybe going to work everyday.....and coming back home.....well maybe that makes me a "sheep"....but some body's got to do it. Someone needs to fill my shoes at my job, if not me, than who? Would I be happier quitting my job and aspiring to be a writer...the job of my dreams, to which I'm not nearly talented enough to ever obtain in the way I'd like? Why disappoint myself when I can write for pleasure...and be just as happy as if someone was paying me for it? Success isn't having the whole world know you're good, it's knowing for yourself that you are. And one doesn't always need any outside opinion to validate that.

I'm a realist...I may not always know where I'm going, but I do know where I belong.....and every once in a while, I'll take a stab at having more, but my submitting writing samples to a newspaper recently...that's the equivalent of a lottery ticket.....it's a small gamble...that might pay off, but it's a shot in the dark.....they'll either love it, or they won't....(PS. they didn't)....but it was still fun to play...to imagine what it would be like to win such a honor....

Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up....swing my legs out from under the covers, I'll take the dog out to pee....I'll shower, brush my teeth....drive off to work like I always do.....and have a day, probably much like today...and that's alright, because today, like so many that came before it....was a good day.

BUSTED:

So....it was a normal Thursday morning....well, normal despite the fact that on this particular Thursday my lovely boss gave me four tickets to the Cleveland Browns vs. The Chicago Bears game in Cleveland.

I was stoked, I had spoke with my friend Angie, whom I'd not seen in over ten years, as she lives in Cleveland and arranged to meet up with her to go to the game. Along with Angie, my pal Melissa was venturing all the way up from Tennessee to go. It was going to be a good day....an unpredictable one, but a good one.

I was excited....and looking forward to the night's events...and speeding to work as usual, for I'm notoriously late by at least 3 minutes on any given work day.

I must have been doing 80 when I saw him, that little blip of white in a sea of green, and then, like the book had been thrown at me, ZAP...he had me in his sights. Radar detector blaring, breaks squealing....there must have been smoke flying off my brakes trying to bring my little neon from 80 back down to a responsible 55 in a mere second...but I knew it was too late for me.

I was toast.

On went his lights, into the ditch I pulled....and he said: "Good mornin ma'am, I suppose you know why I pulled you over right?"

Me: Yes Sir, I suppose I do.

Him: How fast ya think you were going there?

Me: Oh, pretty fast I imagine.

Him: why don't you just ballpark how fast you THINK you might of been going

Me: *crinkles my nose and smirks a little*....uhhhhhh....maaaaaaybe.....liiiiiiiiike 65?

Him: Nope, 72.

Me: *nods my head and smiles at him*

Him: Where you running off to in such a hurry?

Me: Work

Him: Where do you work?

Me: ________ & __________.....

Him: What's that?

Me: A law firm

Him: Well then, I'll just get you your ticket real quick and get you on your way then...

Me: Thanks officer.

I sat there smiling...not mad, not hostile for the law....for I knew my days were numbered, I knew that when you walk the line of law breaking every single day, it's bound to catch up to you eventually.

He returned with my ticket...gave me the whole "sign here please"....blah, blah, blah....

I said to him: Sir, what county are we in here?

He said: ________ County.

Me: Oh, whew...good.

Him: Why do you ask, you partial to this county as opposed to others?

Me: Oh, it's just that my boss is the judge of _______ County, and I am relieved to know that this ticket won't be coming across his desk.

Then Mr Officer leaned down, reached his arm a little inside my window...and pointed to my radar detector on my dash and said: "That thing work?"

Me: Uh, normally.

Him: Not today though eh?

Me: Well sir, I must say, you are quite quick on the trigger.

Him: *laughs*...and says....well then, guess we can agree that it DOESN'T work then right?

Me: Just not today. Thank you officer and good day.

And I drove away.

Funny how sometimes you just know your number is up. I knew three days before I got that ticket that I'd be getting one. I KNEW it. I don't know how, or why, but I knew.

I wouldn't say I'm clairvoyant or anything, but too many times in this life, I knew something was about to happen. Moments of DejaVu, and when they happen, it's like I already know what to say, how to react, because I'd already prepared for it.

I had a date with that cop, and I knew it before he did. I also knew, that I was going to have a awesome time in Cleveland, and you know what.....I soooooo did.