I got it:

I got the job.

15-20 hrs / week...

decent pay...with a raise in 90 days...

Start in May...

Turns out I'm not Stupid:

Or, well, Uh, I'm the smartest of the dumb people...I suppose that's possible.

I don't know if I told you guys this or not, but I was trying to get the job at the video store right...and I had one interview, then I went back and had to take this test...a timed test, which I was forced to take, while sitting in a chair in the middle of the store, doing the test in my lap on a clipboard, no calculator, no preparation....oh, and did I mention that not only do I have test anxiety for the tests I actually CAN study for, but I also SUCK at math? I mean, give me a calculator and I'll figure the shit out, but put a stop watch on me and make me do things long handed...and try and remember how to do math that I haven't been asked to do since High School....Oh, I might as well start drooling on myself, wet my pants and pretend I'm in a coma, because my test results will indicate that the person HAD to be unconscious to do so poorly on the math portion of the test.

Anyway, I took the test like 3 weeks ago. Never heard anything back. Not a peep. Not even a letter saying, "Hey, thanks for applying, but you are mentally brain dead and would not make a good fit for our rocket scientist sales team!"

Then last night as I was driving home from work, I get a call from the District manager asking me if I was still looking for a job. Anyway, I'm meeting her tomorrow for a THIRD interview with this darn video store company....

So cross your fingers and wish me luck....I need this. I've got dreams my paralegal salary isn't going to help me get....

TV tip from my friend in West Virgina to me, to you:

Remember when I went to West Virginia and I told you guys about the haunted mental hospital in Weston, West Virginia....well, I just got news that the TAPS team from the SCIFI television show "Ghost Hunters" did a investigation there last month and it airs Wednesday, April 30th at 9:00 p.m.

So for those of you who love a good ghost story...and were interested in this old structure, tune in. If you missed the pictures I took and would like to see them, go here:

http://heatherlynnsphotoblog.blogspot.com/2007/11/i-went-to-west-virginia-and-got-some.html

~hl~

Like a switch, come turn me ON!

I'm curious. Ladies who frequent here, I need your help on this one. I recently made a new friend, he's a great guy, and when I say FRIEND, I mean FRIEND...for the record. And yes, I'm aware of the fact of how many of my posts begin this way....but what can I say, I meet some interesting and very OPEN people in the course of my daily travels.

Anyway my new friend is great and is happily married to an even greater lady. You'd think they were the perfect couple. Except there's one little problem. They never have sex.

They love each other, they are still young, vital physical beings, so why no sex? What makes some people become MORE sexual with age, while others become less?

About a week or so ago, I ran into my friend at the grocery store and our conversation went from the aisles to the parking lot....and he asked me what to do....he loves his wife, he wants to make love to her, but he just couldn't reach her....he asked me with longing eyes as to what he could do to get his wife in the mood. My heart went out to him. Guys truly believe that sex is the barometer to a relationship....no sex...relationship bad...lots of sex, relationship right on target!! Women, however, we are more complex creatures, more up in our heads...always using our emotions to complicate things that to men seem very simple. To them, sex=good, no sex=bad. *laughs* I tell you, this is why I could never be a lesbian, regardless of our differences, I find men to be so endearing in their simplicity. I'm envious of it actually.

So, where was I...Oh, right my friend's problem....he asked for help...but, I've got to be honest, the longest relationship I've ever been in was with Keith, which was a mere six years, this hardly qualifies me as a sexual/relationship expert!

What I DO KNOW is, is that sex is a very healthy way to communicate emotion, take out frustration, unwind, feel connected, let loose, have fun.....make babies...if that's what you are into...

Anyway, I told my friend as candidly as I could that every woman is different. There's no ONE right answer.

I did however ask him if she had a "button" or "switch"....because I do. There is a certain part of my body...and not any of the infamous erogenous zones...a seemingly delicate non-sexual part that if touched properly will literally make me forget what my name is and will make it impossible for me to say no to a romp with my significant other...EXCEPT...and this part is very important.....if I'm really hurt. Not to be confused with anger....people have angry sex all the time, some even prefer it, however, for me, hurt/sad sex is NOT GOOD...in my opinion. If you've just said something to hurt me...the button no longer is functional. But otherwise....it works like a charm.

So ladies, help me out.....do you guys have a button? Guys, do you know where your lady's secret "I-can't-stop-myself-from-having-sex switch" is? I need to research men's magic ways of making their ladies forget about the laundry, forget about putting those groceries away....how do men turn you on, make you feel like your true sexual self? I want ALL your input on this one, so don't let me down....

Want to know one of my old marriage secrets?...this one is funny....it was NIP/TUCK. I was addicted to the show back in the day. That show oozes sexuality....its in every line, on the mind of every character. I'm not sure how it all started, because Keith NEVER watched television...but magically in Season 2, Keith started tuning in with me. He and I would hang out watching the show and it was a great way to spend time with one another (which women need btw)...we sat closely or cuddled on the couch....and by the time the show was over, more times than not, oh, it was ON! It was like someone took a bucket of hormones and threw it and covered us in the contents. I really should write the makers of that show and THANK them for putting a little spark in my marriage back then! Granted a television show cannot save a marriage, but jump starting a stagnant sexual relationship CAN!!!!!!!!

Never underestimate the power of sex. There's a reason advertising executives have been using it to sell us shit for a hundred years! There's a reason why most every western ever made has a whorehouse in it.....There's a reason Laura Ingalls aka Melissa Gilbert is now doing Lifetime movies while Jenna Jameson is sitting on a Internet site that has yielded $30 million dollars in revenue.

Okay guys and gals...I started this....now...it's your turn...what's your secrets...spill em! Someday your husband/wife might be asking a co-worker or friend of the family what to do to make you hot and bothered, you wouldn't want them to get bad information would you? Would YOU???!!!

Saturday Night...and I'm Feeling ALright...(Movie Review)

What a strange f*cking day. Since I'm dead ass broke, I once again found myself without any plans. Brooke asked me to come to Dayton....so I had options, but I opted out in order to save cash.

I went started my day off watching a special on C-span about self published authors and how hard it is to be a writer in today's publishing market...a bit discouraging I must confess. Then I went to the Library to pay my looming debt and read the newspaper. I figured, since i can go read the Delphos Herald and Lima News over there for free, I figured it wouldn't kill me to pay the $1.50 I've owed them for the past 8 months.

I saw that Happy Days in Elida is hiring. Oh, goodie! Is it wrong that I just can't bring myself to apply for a job where I have to ask people "Do you want mayo on that?" or the most dreaded of all.."Do you want fries with that?" Dear lord help me find something ELSE!!!!!!

Anywho....So I come home...Steph and I make plans to go to the movies, she says "My treat"....and so I say..."I'm in!" That's what poor people say when people say crazy things like "my treat!"

But somewhere between downloading a bunch of new tunes to rock out to, and watching two episodes of LOST, season 2, I missed two text messages from my ex-husband's fiance. Which is weird in itself to even say "my ex-husband's fiance"..but I guess I'm just one of those people that don't let it bother me. So the text says: "Do you want your wedding dress? If not it's going to the thrift shop" and then the second text saying "Never mind, just dropped it off!"

Now some people would maybe be hurt, maybe be miffed that the new Mrs. S was the one throwing my shit out to make room for hers...but I just started laughing. I couldn't stop....I was verging on the edge of insanity when I sat the phone down and began to regain my composure...what little composure I normally have.

My wedding dress is at the thrift store. I'm going to pawn my wedding ring for gas money....it's almost like the whole damn thing was pretend. I half wanted to go check my wedding album to see if maybe there would be little cut out's where Keith's face had been and there'd be just some other guy in the pictures...like an actor who only played the part of Keith, my husband.

That damn dress is gone....and I'm not the least bit nostalgic. Bet you thought I'd be writing how sad it made me, or about how it's so meaningful, and how dare she do such a thing....yeah, nope, not an ounce of hostility here.....nothing but love...for the dress' exit...that is.

So....anyway..onto the movie review.

Forgetting Sara Marshall was the movie of choice, and man let me tell you, it was great. It really was. I'm not sure what it is about full frontal male nudity that just cracks my ass up...but damnit, every time they showed it (and it was a lot) I just giggled like a school girl. So silly.

The movie's about this dude, Peter, who's girlfriend is an actress who breaks up with him for a rock star....oh, and the rockstar, you can't help but love the guy, he's a putz and cool at the same time even though that doesn't seem possible...but he is, you'll love him!

Seeing as I've been a bit down in the mouth about love lately, it was comforting to watch this guy have his heart ripped out and then see the shell of a man who remained when she was done with him. I could so sympathize. You get to see someone lying on the floor in despair, and with a little help, clarity, lots of booze and friendly hotel staffers...make a full recovery into a living thing again. You get to see him find his way back to a state of happy equilibrium.

And I can't tell you exactly why it was so funny, but it just was. Lots of favorite characters from Paul Rudd, to Jonah Hill to Bill Hader. It was a lovable cast to say the least.

I left the theatre feeling soooooo much better than when I arrived. My head was clear, my heart happy, and it only got better as Steph and I sang to Shaggy & Jason Mraz to some island sounding music on the way home. Despite the dreary weather, it felt like summer.

Mrs. Keith is throwing away my shit....and I couldn't be happier to have someone doing my dirtywork for me! And I didn't even have to pay her. Today is a damn good day.

The Italian Strikes Again.....

Once again, my super talented international friend Alex has taken it upon herself, at my urging of course, to redesign the blog for me. What do you think?

I personally wouldn't have picked a girlie color, but for some reason, the finished product always makes me go, "yeah....it's perfect!"

So THANK YOU ALEX, for yet another wonderful creative design!

Love you bunches....you and your shiny hair!

~hl~

Reincarnation: Plausible or Possible?

A friend of mine called me the other night, it had been a while since we’d spoke last and I was happy to hear from him. We talked for an hour or better from everything from world travels, hopes, dreams, etc. One topic that emerged though is one I don’t have too often and that is Reincarnation.

Being raised Christian, there’s a set of beliefs that is instilled in you from very early on. We are taught about Jesus, how he died for us, and when we die, if Jesus is our lord and savior, we’ll go to heaven to be with him. Why do we believe that heaven is possible, but rule out all other things of equal theory. For until we get to heaven, how do any of us really know it’s there? Faith. Faith tells us it’s there even if we can’t see it, smell it, taste it our touch it.

Well, my dear friend believes in the phenomenon known as reincarnation….and when he asked me if I believed, I said: “I don’t know that I don’t believe!” I try to not rule out things that I have no experience with. Who am I to say I think its hogwash?!

According to my friend, he feels that not only is it real, but that he himself has lived past lives. Hmmmm….the plot thickens! *smiles* Now, I know he trusts me and knows me well enough to know that I’m an open minded girl. I don’t judge people for what they believe. I don’t expect people to believe in the same things I do. It’s just so much more enjoyable to converse with others when ideas are freely spoken of and nobody is trying to sell there ideas, just throwing them out there.

Anyway, so after speaking with him and hearing his testimony on the issue, I decided to do a little research of my own. You know me, one account stems my overactive brain into Nancy Drew and I’m off to solve the mystery.

I’ve got to tell you, if you are bored and are looking to read up on something interesting, tackle this topic, you might just find yourself as engrossed as I have been.

Did you know that Henry Ford believed in Reincarnation? According to Wikipedia.com, Henry Ford was convinced he had lived before. He believed that he had been a soldier who had fought and died at the battle of Gettysburg.

A quote from the San Francisco Examiner from August 26, 1928 described Ford's beliefs:

"I adopted the theory of Reincarnation when I was twenty-six. Religion offered nothing to the point. Even work could not give me complete satisfaction. Work is futile if we cannot utilise the experience we collect in one life in the next. When I discovered Reincarnation it was as if I had found a universal plan I realised that there was a chance to work out my ideas. Time was no longer limited. I was no longer a slave to the hands of the clock. Genius is experience. Some seem to think that it is a gift or talent, but it is the fruit of long experience in many lives. Some are older souls than others, and so they know more. The discovery of Reincarnation put my mind at ease. If you preserve a record of this conversation, write it so that it puts men’s minds at ease. I would like to communicate to others the calmness that the long view of life gives to us."

All I can say is “wow”…what if time were of no consequence. What if we had unlimited time to do what we need to, to do everything we are born to do, to grow into who we will be?!

According to my research, it is said that Hindus believe that we go from one life to the next, until we no longer find joy in worldly pleasures, only until then do we begin to look for higher forms of happiness, a greater meaning for our lives through spirituality. Once all desire for worldly pleasure is lost, and spirituality has been truly discovered do the rebirths into new life stop.

Is this any less believable than that which Christians believe? Is it possible that maybe we do live and die and our souls do go somewhere….a place like heaven perhaps…but maybe, just maybe, we bop around a little first, in preparation for heaven?! Does this go against some of what we are taught…yeah, it does, but does that make it plausible, or impossible?

There is so much out there we don’t know, we can’t prove or disprove….and in my opinion, there’s something very intriguing about the unknown, about those things which we just can’t rule out as possible.

Lets say I am an “old soul” as people who believe in reincarnation would call me, could this explain why I’m very unlike the other members of my immediate family? Why when I was very young I carried a notebook with me everywhere and always scribble down poems and thoughts and quotes I heard? Why am I strangely attracted to the poetry of Edgar Allen Poe, British Film and historic events and places? Why do I collect old books and find the smell of them make me feel like I am at home, no matter where I am.

So many questions, so little time….well unless you believe in reincarnation, than perhaps we’ll have all the time we need, to find all the answers we seek. It’s sure is a tempting notion.

Send out the Search Party...I'm LOST.....

Okay, so in the aftershock of the recent writer's strike that stole Grey's Anatomy & Brothers and Sisters from me, I found myself looking for something to get me through the rough spots...like anyone who's suffering from withdraw, we need our fix. So, I surveyed my friends...asked them what shows were any good....and a lot of my guy friends recommended LOST. I had never tried watching the show due to the fact that it's a story that is built upon week after week, not exactly something you can jump in the middle and hope to understand what the heck is happening.

So, I went to http://www.abc.com/ where they've graciously uploaded all 4 seasons in HD for my viewing pleasure...well mine, and yours too should you find yourself curious. I've just completed Season 1 and am 2 shows into Season 2 and I've got to tell you, the show is awesome. So full of cliff hangers and suspense...thank god i don't have to wait an entire week to watch the next show...I don't know how you weekly watchers do it! You must have patience of steel or something!

Anyway, so for those of you out there who perhaps are searching for something to entertain your brain...or perhaps you too have lost your fix....maybe give LOST a try. I've thoroughly enjoyed it thus far.

Today's Post Brought to you by the Letter "J":

Ever start thinking that maybe you are cursed? Or that maybe the cosmos are trying to warn you to stay away from someone or someTHING?

I have a theory…..I think I’m cosmically tied to the letter “J”. It seems to be peppered all throughout my life.

My first love, Matthew “J”. F----, then there was Jamie, the other Jaime, and the OTHER Jamey….Ah, and then there was John…Oh I loved that guy….my first official date was with…Jeremy, I had a crush on my neighbor boy growing up who was named Jeremy…. first boy to ever buy me flowers and tell me they loved me was Jeff. My co-workers are Jenn...and John.

I am friends with a Jim, Jeff, Jason, Joe (3), Jaime, James, DJ and my neighbors downstairs names are John & Justin and I walk my cousin Jake’s dog. The first horse I ever bought I named Jericho, my pet miniature donkey’s name was Jasper and the rat terrier I wanted but then hated and gave to my mom’s name was J.J.

Think it’s coincidence? Am I riddled with conspiracy theories today?

My latest heartbreak…. “Harry”..we all know his name’s not really Harry…however, would you believe his name also begins with “J”? and HIS ex-wife’s name begins with “J”….

I went to school at Delphos “J”efferson…..went to College at “J”ames A. Rhodes State College.

Maybe I’m being paranoid, maybe I’m just bored and my brain latched on to this theory for my own self entertainment as an attempt to pass the time….or maybe I’m onto something….maybe I just need to have a better relationship with “J”esus…and all this bad “J” karma will dissipate.

Well, better go, have to spread some Jelly, Jump some rope, drink some Juice and work on clearing the Junk off of my desk.

……………..

A search that leads you down a familar path.....

This weekend I was up in the air about what I would do....where the weekend would take me. I considered going down to see Amber and the new baby....however, lack of time in planning that little adventure lead me to not doing much of anything. Steph and Nikk came over Friday night and we went out to Bandito's....which was interesting in itself....following morning I started my day off with coffee and conversation.....

But the BIG notable happening of the weekend was getting an e-mail Friday night from "Harry". It nearly made my heart stop beating in my chest. If Steph hadn't of been here when it arrived, I'd probably still be sitting here debating on whether to open it or not.

I opened it. We talked...we said what we needed to....and I found myself wanting so badly to see him. I know....I know what you all must be thinking....

BUT....he's leaving. I found out he's moving away...far away. I know that doesn't change what's happened but the thought of never seeing him again was just too real, too harsh....so when he invited me to come to him, I found myself floating about the apartment telling myself that I wasn't going, but my body knew that I was. I took a shower and straightened my hair, I brushed my teeth and began to get dressed, I charged my phone, and all the while...brain, still saying..."no, no...no...we aren't going!"..."We can't"....but something had been set into motion that I couldn't seem to stop. I slipped on my shoes, located my keys and without even so much as letting Harry know I was coming...I climbed down my steps. Got into my car, put it in drive and off I went to an uncertain outcome....but with a very certain destination.

Before long, I found myself standing at his door, feeling nervous...and wondering if I'd even make it past the threshold of his door. Would he invite me in with open arms, would he be happy that I came...I didn't know.

I rang the door bell, took a deep breath and the door swung open. There he stood. I said "is it okay that I'm here?" He said, "yes..of course, come in"....and the door swallowed me up and shut behind me.

Once inside, the air was scented with something sweet....a candle perhaps...we both just stood staring at each other for the longest time....nerves melted away and he hugged me....and we stood locked in an embrace for even longer....

It felt good to be back to where we began...happy to see each other, warmly embracing....

We picked up a pizza since I hadn't eaten all day, and we sat in his big green chair as he watched "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"...I laid my head on his chest and drifted in and out of consciousness. The whole thing was like a dream....like my mind was finding the best possible outcome of goodbye and playing it out in my mind. I was surprised when he woke me and asked if I was staying or leaving....since I had not brought a bag along with me.

I stayed. We laid next to each other all night...and when morning came, I didn't want to leave him. I had no plans, he had no plans other than doing laundry and going to the store, so I said...."I can help do laundry"....and he said..."But that's not what I had planned"....

I sat there confused as to why he would want me to leave, just to do laundry and get groceries. I said to him "I want to see what Harry does on Sunday Afternoons"....as it was not quiet 9:00 a.m. when we were having the conversation...

but I could tell, he wanted me to go....I don't know why, or what I would have interrupted or disturbed in the course of his day.....but there was nothing left to do, and I found myself not knowing that there was anything that needed said at that point.

So I sat up, got out of bed. Got dressed, pulled my white hooded sweatshirt over my head and walked out of the room. I collected the rest of my belongings and walked out the front door. The front door that once swallowed me whole, has not spit me out.

I'm sure he thinks I did it as some sort of really dramatic way to hurt him, to make him feel like shit, but really....I was just giving him exactly what he asked of me, his mouth said I love you, but his eyes and actions said, "It's time for you to go now...."

It won't be long and he'll be making his way across the country and far away from "us"...and the memories we made.....but everything happens for a reason right?!

Harry if you are reading this, know that I'm not mad....I wish you all the best...I really do. Last night was great, this morning was the push I needed. No hard feelings.

Aftershock of Goodbye:

I think Harry didn't just break my heart...he broke my neck! Well, not literally, but my neck and back has been killing me ever since he said goodbye. They say that stress has a way of reeking havoc on you more than your emotional state, but to that of your physical as well....

But as luck would have it, after a six month absence from my life, my FRIEND "bearded guy" came over after work and offered to give me a massage. A 45 minute one. I don't know what I did right in the world yesterday to receive such a gift, but I was thanking my lucky stars. Not only did it make me feel a million times better, I slept like a princess and awoke refreshed and feeling like a million bucks!

You guys said to have faith...and let me tell you, it's a lot easier to have faith when you want to skip instead of walk and you want to whistle instead of frowning!

I know, Okay, that might be a slight exaggeration, but the point is, I'm feeling better...FINALLY. Harry was a setback I never saw coming....and I hated to see him go...but to be feeling better and to start to emerge from the black cloud I was sure was following me for months now is a HUGE relief.

My eye is good...can almost not even tell anymore....my heart is on the mend, I might have a job working for my Aunt & Uncle which will give me much needed family time with people I love, summer's coming and my faith is re-emerging on the scene. Ah, what a breath of fresh air.....

To my dear sweet friends and family members...once again, let me apologize for being an emotional basket case lately. I know I haven't been myself...but I'm getting closer all the time. Bear with me.

Luv you guys!

~hl~

PS - The picture's more of a joke than anything else....don't freak out! I just thought it was funny and sort of fitting in this case.

Damien Rice Says it best.....

Ever notice whenever you go through a tough time, there's always ONE song that just fits, and it makes perfect sense even if it makes entirely no sense to anyone but you...but you listen to it in the shower, when you brush your teeth, while you make dinner...and when it's not playing, you are humming it to yourself as if it were....

It becomes the only thing that quiets the swirling thoughts and then fills up the countless hours of quiet that seem to be all around and inescapable...so you turn up the volume and pray for sleep...and you pray you'll awake to it all being just a crazy dream...something that can be forgotten all about by lunch time....but no, no such luck...the song is perfect for my imperfect perception.

.....

Damien Rice: Professor

Well I don't know if I'm wrong

Cause she's only just gone

Here's to another relationship

Bombed by excellent breed of gamete disease

I'm sure when I'm older I'll know what that means

Cried when she should

and she laughed when she could

Here's to the man with his face in the mud

And an overcast play just taken away

From the lover's in love at the centre of stage yeah

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time

For walking on stilts at the edge of your mind

Loving is good if your dick's made of wood

And the dick left inside only half understood her

What makes her come and what makes her stay?

What make the animal run, run away yeah

What makes him stall, what makes him stand

And what shakes the elephant now

And what makes a man?

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

No I don't know you any more

No, no, no, no...I don't know if I'm wrong'

Cause shes only just gone

Why the fuck is this day taking so long

I was a lover of time and once she was mine

I was a lover indeed,

I was covered in weed

Cried when she should and she laughed when she could

Well closer to god is the one who's in love

And I walk away cause I can

Too many options may kill a man

Loving is fine if it's not in your mind

But I've fucked it up now, too many times

Loving is good if it's not understood

Yeah, but I'm the professor

And feel that I should know

What makes her come and what makes her stay?

What make the animal run, run away and

What makes him tick apart from him prick

And the lonelier side of the jealousy stick

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

No I don't know, I don't know, I don't know

Hell I don't know you any more

No, no, no no...

Well I don't know if I'm wrong'

Cause she's only just gone

Here's to another relationship

Bombed by my excellent breed of gamete disease

I finished it off with some French wine and cheese

La fille danse

Quand elle joue avec moi

Et je pense que je l'aime des fois

Le silence, n'ose pas dis-donc

Quand on est ensemble

Mettre les mots

Sur la petite dodo

Having Faith and Prayer.....a department I lack in....

When I get sad, when I find myself wandering without flare for life...my family is the first to notice. They call a lot to "check on me"...I know it pains them to see me hurting. As it would me if the situation was reversed.

Yesterday Brooke called. She was on a mission to have "the talk". "The talk" being where she asks me where I am spiritually these days. Brooke has been my spiritual guardian throughout my life....for she is better at it than I, and has always been. She asked me if I'd been praying much. Which then lead to an entire conversation that I should have been struck by lightning during the course of, because I shocked even myself in the things I found myself saying to her.

I said things like..."God doesn't answer MY prayers". "I'm not deserving enough to ask for anything", "I pray, but nothing ever happens!"

Yeah, I was a little religiously negative. Not sure if I was just being a rebellious teenager type while being "lectured" about God from my "little sister"....but regardless, I'm left wondering...do I believe my prayers are ever answered? Do I really think I'm unworthy to ask for things for myself?

I often times pray for others....and don't get me wrong, I believe in the power of prayer....I believe that having faith is everything....however, how can I have faith that my prayers for others could be answered, while prayers for myself would go UNanswered?

I thought about it a lot today and I found myself saying in my head that "it's because you don't deserve it. You are unworthy of his blessings because you don't live the way he wants, you don't serve as an example for others and you make promises to him that you fail to keep....so WHY SHOULD HE HELP YOU!?!?!?!"

Brooke says you can't come to God only when things get too tough to handle on your own, that I should go to him with everything in my life...to always pray for guidance and help, even with the day to day stuff that I deal with. That, that's what he's there for....which only leaves me to believe that I have so much yet to learn....many lessons about pride, honor and most of all faith....not just faith in life, or love, or even in myself...but faith in him. Why should he answer my prayers, if I never give him the benefit of the doubt that he will?!?

I know my posts are usually filled with the "f" word, or sexual references...or whatever...and this is a little off my normal topic....but regardless of my uncouth subject matter at times, I'm not above going straight to hell for it...I believe that God is a forgiving God, one that hopefully will take me with a grain of salt when I come knocking at his door upon my departure from this earth. I hope that God knows more than my actions, or my ramblings, he knows my heart and why I do the things I do...and that's the one thing I DO have faith in...and that's good intentions and honesty of character.

So Brooke if you are reading this....I'm sorry I was such a blasphemous brat to you on the phone yesterday. I appreciate your looking after my immortal soul...and I PROMISE, I'll try and do better in the future.

I'll leave you with quotes to ponder:

“If we do not know ourselves to be full of pride, ambition, lust, weakness, misery, and injustice, we are indeed blind. And if, knowing this, we do not desire deliverance, what can we say of a man...?”
~~Blaise Pascal

“The knowledge of God without that of man's misery causes pride. The knowledge of man's misery without that of God causes despair. The knowledge of Jesus Christ constitutes the middle course, because in Him we find both God and our misery.”
~~Blaise Pascal

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom”

Weekend Survival on the Upper West Side....of Delphos...

Definition of Grief:
The emotional depiction of great loss accompanied by a sense of hopelessness, anguish, denial, anger and confusion.

But according to Charlotte of Sex in The City, "It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them"...according to those calculations, I should be well over this in approximately 15 days. 30 days from start to finish....wow....*shakes my head in disbelief*

So, if Charlotte is correct, by April 18th, I will be over the hump and back to life as I once knew it? Is it possible that this will then seem not so disheartening?

I feel like such an idiot....here I was only a week ago, introducing him to my family.....and now he's not even IN my life.

Maybe there were parts of me that just really wanted to feel loved, so much that I didn't pay attention to what was really in front of me. Being lost in a moment is the best, until the ugly hand of reality yanks you back to earth...slaps you around some...and then leaves you bewildered and scratching your head wondering what the hell just happened!

After a breakup, people are prone to one of two things....#1, wallow in self pity and vow never to date again, order pizza and eat it in bed, the bed you are taking comfort in more than one's normal sleeping hours, watch lots of sex in the city.....ignore phone calls from friends and family.....and shop for shoes.....OR #2, and that's to get right back up on the horse that threw you, and date someone new to make you forget all about the one who inhabited your life before...the one who shut the door.

I'll give you two guesses as to which one is my medicine for a broken heart....for those of you who know me....I'm guessing you will only need one of those two guesses...*smiles*

Well it's Saturday night....my day started with my mom calling to "check on me"....she acted as if she didn't know, but I knew she did...she's kind of transparent like that...god love her! Steph made me PROMISE to go shopping to get my mind off things....so I did. I bought a calendar, a serving tray and a box of Picasso inspired cards/stationary. Don't ask, apparently I'm planning on writing letters to pass the time or something....look, I'm grieving, I can't be responsible for what I buy in this state! ...ehhhmmm...sorry...I'm emotional...*regains composure and begins again*

I took Tyson (Jake's dog) for a long walk all around town....it was therapeutic to be outside, in the sun and fresh air.....came home. Ate dinner, watched "Must Love Dogs" on the oxygen channel and then finished up my night by doing my taxes (State) and filling out the application I have to bring to my testing session at the Video Store tomorrow. Ah, yeah, i know...you all wish your Saturday night was filled with tax preparation and job hunting...it's all the rage with the young people these days....NOT!

Which brings me to my next statement.....Can you believe I have to take a standardized test to say...."Welcome to the Video Store, what's your phone number please? Would you be interested in renting "The War" this evening for $1.50? It's our special! Seriously, I could do that in my sleep. Yet I'm told I have to take a test similar to a ACT or SAT and pass with a 70% to gain employment. I'm telling you, gone are the days when any Joe blow off the street could find a job doing SOMETHING...no, no...now you have to jump through multiple hoops just for minimum wage.

Anyway...sorry, this post has been all over the place....my brain hurts...must go....

~hl~

The sunken ship, wreckage ahead........

It's nearing 1:00 a.m. and I find myself at a loss for the events of the day.


I am sick and alone and in tears...my mouth is dry and tasting of reminiscent vomit...and I have to pull myself together and sleep in preparation for tomorrow's work and job interview.


"Harry"....has said his piece and declared it over. He didn't like my post of earlier....found it to be hurtful. I was trying to be honest.....and I only hurt those that I care about.


He said so many things tonight. I'm reeling...in the things he's said and while what he says is untrue of me, the fact remains that he believes it to be the truth therein lies the problem. For I can no sooner change his mind and make him see me for who I am when his eyes are clouded by which his wounded spirit has convinced him of.

I give....I surrender.....I shall retire my heart....relinquish my post. Good night and goodbye....although the good has failed to appear on either account.

I once heard it said that "All things end badly...otherwise they wouldn't end"....while there is some truth to that.....I find myself detesting that quote, and cursing ever having heard it. Irrational, but true.

*puts down her pen*
*picks up a tissue*
and *walks away*............

Can a Sinking Ship be Saved?

Okay, So let's talk about relationships for second.

I have been attempting one as of late. What started out fantastically..is slowly sinking.... into the depths and I don't know what to do. Is there a floatation device big enough to save an entire ship? Is the National Guard nearby to lend a hand?

Harry is great, he's passionate, and funny and when it's good, it's SO good. But we keep having these little miscommunications. Sometimes he "thinks" I'm mad when I'm not, I feel him tiptoeing around me in an attempt to not "upset" me, and the thing is, I'm not upset until I feel him tiptoeing...and I hate to think that he thinks I'm the kind of person who he can't be himself around. I hate that he must feel as though I will judge him or persecute him for doing what comes natural. I just want him to be himself....and THEN if it doesn't work out...well....it would be for valid reasons. Lately, we've gotten into this really weird place and we are sinking and I feel helpless to save us.

It's too early to be sinking...we are a maiden ship...everything is new, everything bright.....troubled waters are no match for a new ship right? Of course, that's what they said about the Titanic too....and we all know how that turned out. *sighs and tries to hide my frown*

I don't want to sink, I don't want to abandon ship either.....but who's going to save our ship? I've sent out the distress call, I shot my flares into the air.....and I feel as if I'm standing on the deck of a beautiful vessel....it's quiet except for the sound of the waves, and I'm standing out there all alone, just me and my boat....to lose it would be a grievous loss.....one I would not soon forget...

This sucks.

You've come a long way baby.....

As a youth, I started my working career by working for my parents out our family business...but once I got to where I could establish my own Independence and purchased my first set of wheels (a 1989 Ford Escort), I set out to get a "real job"....and the place I thought I'd best fit was the video store. I worked at the Delphos Video Connection for approximately 3 years...and loved it. Working at the video store was like one of those super cool jobs where you were allowed to have a personality, so long as you wore your black tie and liked it! A place where your boss had more hickeys than anyone you'd ever seen in your life and your co-workers were even more interesting than yourself!

Yeah, Video Connection had character all right....and I watched movies constantly anyway...so it was the perfect partnership, video connection and me. *smiles*

I started out making $4.35 / hr. and thought to myself...man....look at me go!! This job rocks!! *laughs* Life was simple then, and you could fill your car's gas tank for a mere ten bucks. That was then.....

This is now. It now costs $30.00 to fill up my NEON!!!....I work full time as a paralegal, but due to the fact that I'm uninsured....I'm embarking on a quest to gain part-time employment to supplement my current income.

And at 30 years old....I once again find myself with an interview at "the video store"....can you imagine it? I'm going back to exactly where I started.... Most people hit 30 and they reflect on where they are, where they've been....me, I've come full circle...and apparently had so much damn fun, I'm going to do it ALL OVER AGAIN!! *smirks*

I know I shouldn't feel defeated in my need for a second income...but this is America, you are raised to believe that if you go to college, you are going to get a good job and live happily ever after...but then reality sets in, and all those years of believing that the American Dream is what it once was....dissipate....and you realize that, that dream was another time, a different era. We don't live in that time, that job or housing market, or that country anymore. The face of America isn't what it once was....and it's tough to make it in a single income household sometimes. Hell, ten-twelve years ago...a single mom could raise three kids on her own with what I make....now, that same mom would be on welfare and getting food stamps. *shakes my head*

Anyway before I put this post into a tailspin of despair....I will tell you this....Friday I have an interview for a second job of my very own....I opened a savings account and everything. If given the job, I'm going to work my ass off...get caught up, then break even...and then I'm going to effing come out ahead for a change....mmmhhhmmm...that's right, you heard me...AHEAD!

Wish me luck!

Here's a little something to get you in the mood for Heather the Video Store Clerk, the sequel courtesy of IMDB.com!

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Indecisive Video Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good... are either one of these any good?... Sir?

Randal Graves: What?

Indecisive Video Customer: Are either one of these any good?

Randal Graves: I don't watch movies.

Indecisive Video Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?

Randal Graves: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.

Indecisive Video Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?

Randal Graves: Nope.

Indecisive Video Customer: [Turns around, then shows Randal the same movies] Well, what about these two?

Randal Graves: Oh, they suck.

Indecisive Video Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention! Randal Graves: No, I wasn't.

Indecisive Video Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate...

Randal Graves: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.

Indecisive Video Customer: I beg your pardon?

Randal Graves: Your ruse. Your cunning attempt to trick me.

Indecisive Video Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!

Randal Graves: And I hope it feels good.

Indecisive Video Customer: You hope WHAT feels good?

Randal Graves: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Indecisive Video Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here.

Randal Graves: You'll be missed.

Indecisive Video Customer: Screw you! [leaves]

Randal Graves: [runs to the door] Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!

Jay: [who has been standing outside, and has no idea what's going on] Yeah!

And the Count Down Begins.....

For all you Sex In The City fans out there....the countdown has begun to the release of Sex In The City the Movie! It all happens on May 31st. I'm so excited. I watched the trailer for it the other day and it's like seeing old friends again...old friends with new adventures..a new chapter to read and revel in.



I'm also really looking forward to the New Indiana Jones movie. It comes out May 22nd.



While one movie began it's cinematic debut many many years ago...and is adding a new addition, the other is embarking on it's very first silver screen showing...and both, old and new are reminiscent of days gone by.

Indiana Jones was the feeling of being a kid, adventure, fun, danger....Harrison Ford...need I say more...

Sex in the City....the show that unraveled my misconceptions about fashion and the girly girls who revere designers and the products they offer for sale. The show that made being a girl not only okay, but in style. Growing up a tom boy, wearing tattered jeans, Harley Davidson boots and chaps while out playing with the horses didn't leave room for high heels, fingernail polish or accessories. My only accessories were wire cutters, barn gloves and a lighter for when I used to sneak off in the hay mow to smoke cigarettes I stole from someone along the way. *laughs*

Anyway, the month of May is a month I am most certainly looking forward to....and you know what, it feels pretty nice to have something positive to look forward to for a change....

In Urban Legend / Medical News:

A new form of birth control is making the scene.

Well, not new exactly, but new to my ears. You know, there are times when you think you've heard it all....all the old wives tales about curing the common cold, to how to get the best seal on your canning jars...everybody has a secret that they swear is the cat's meow when it comes to the way they do something...but I've recently heard a new one.

Papaya as birth control!?!?!?!?!

And I don't mean holding one between your legs prohibiting anything from getting "in there"...I mean, unripened green papaya has been used by women in India and Sri Lanka as emergency contraceptive for years. According to my sources, Researchers found that the enzyme papain in the papaya interacts with progesterone so that eating one papaya a day for a week will bring on menstruation with no side-effects. Think it's true? The women of India and Sri Lanka sure do.

Studies have also show that while women would use the fruit as a postcoital form of contraceptive, studies done with monkeys showed that adult male langur monkeys who were given papaya seeds had no sperm in their ejaculate.

So I wonder, how is it that women and men in other countries have been using one of natures tasty fruits as birth control for centuries, and this is the first I'm hearing about it.

I've been taking papaya for a little while now....for papaya has an enzyme that helps the digestive system. When i was on all those antibiotics for my eye, i couldn't take other medications to help with the nagging heartburn and indigestion they caused...so I did some research for natural things to help my situation. Papaya turned up.

They say that papaya in large unripe quantities causes uterine contractions...and I don't know if this is just coincidental, but ever since I've been on them, I've noticed some cramping....I wonder if the Indians aren't really on to something here....*scratches my head while wondering*.......