Kid Rock:

So....Yesterday I wrote about Kid and Pam's split....

Tonight I was lucky to stumble across CMT's crossroads: Kid Rock & Hank Williams Jr. Edition. I almost forgot about how much I love Kid Rock.

Yeah, I know....ya'll think he's white trash or whatever.....and frankly....he's not everyone's cup of tea....sure, he smokes pot, hangs with snoop-dog and generally doesn't give a fuck about what anybody thinks of him......he wears wife beaters and always hats and glasses......he writes/sings songs called Hillbilly stomp and Cadillack P*ssy but he also sings songs like Lonely Road of Faith, Single Father and Only God Knows Why.....there's just something soulful about Mr. Ritchie that is undeniable when watching him perform. I've seen him three times myself and when I'm lucky enough to catch him in a television appearance, it's quite easily the fastest and most pleasurable hour to pass me by that day.


I'm glad I remembered tonight that I like Kid Rock. Playing my guitar along with his songs, or just listening and singing his lyrics....they take me away somewhere else....to one of his concerts that I went to with Amber.....or to the memory of the first time I MADE Amber listen to "this cool new rock guy from Detroit"
She looked at me as if I were crazy for getting into this "alternative sounding music"....but it wasn't long before she was singing along and liking it...don't let her lie to you!

And Hank Williams....the Rebel Son of Country...well....I've been listening to him since I was a kid on my parents old records. I still have that old record and I still listen to it from time to time. I love the scratchy grainy sound an old record gives...it's classic...

The two voices, souls, chemistry produced between these two artists is contagious. You can't help but to enjoy the performance.

I think I need to attend a show soon, get that blood flowing again.... it's been too long. Music feeds the soul.....and I'm in need of a little creative fuel....perhaps Kid Rock Style. *wink*

So go ahead world....judge away...maybe I'm a white trash idiot for liking him...maybe I have zero musical taste in your eyes......all I can say is....who cares what I like.....so what, I like Kid Rock, I admit it openly...punish me accordingly.....but you'll never hear me say I'm ashamed of it. Never judge what you do not understand....that's good advice....take it at will.

Real Friends

Real friends are the ones that bring you chicken noodle soup when you are sick, they don't forget to bring town house butter flavored crackers and even pack four little sinus pills for desert.....

Real friends do this while wearing their pajamas, slipper socks with slippers over top and.....and real friends do this when they themselves are also sick...and who think that although it was 63 degrees outside at 5:30 p.m. yesterday that it was freezing outside.

I have a very good friend....her name is Steph.....she's as real as they come.

Honestly....I don't know how people make in in life without friends....for if life was an icecream sundae...friends are the fantastically bright and shiny red cherry on top.

I know thanksgiving is behind us now...but this year, especially, I'm thankful for my friends......

Tis the Season.....for DIVORCE Apparently:

Well....they filed too. Although....I figured this would happen...I mean, I don't want to seem like a know-it-all or anything...but you just can't put a PETA lover and someone like Kid Rock in the same place for long before the shit hits the fan.

He's laid back and has a I don't give a f*ck attitude, and Pam's out there trying to get the world to stop eating KFC and wearing leather....

Speaking of leather.....don't rocker's like wear leather pants? Why would she be so attracted to "savages" like them anyways? With their leather wearing, meat eating ways?

Anyway, it looks like it's the end of the road for Mr. & Mrs. Ritchie. I never liked her anyways!

Me with Dark Hair:

Darkness Falls:

I find that the darker the mood...the darker my hair gets......

Pictures:

I guess it's Home Now:

Last night after I crawled into bed.....I was so tired and out loud I said:

I'm so glad to be home!

It's the first time since I lived there that I felt happy to be "HOME".

I called my apartment home.

Progress sometimes can be measured in the smallest increments.

Home at Last:

Welcome to Ohio....those words on that blue sign over route 30 make seemingly tired eyes happy eyes.

It was a good trip.....fairly uneventful....but that's not always a bad thing. Sometimes life needs a little down time.

While on the drive home tonight I started thinking about falling in love...what it means....that first time you admit to yourself that maybe, just maybe you love someone.....you get that giddy silly feeling coursing through your body and you sit there dumbfounded at the thought of it...as if saying to yourself...."nooooo, this can't be happening to me!" It is my fear that I won't feel that way about anybody else again.

I figure this is irrational of me.....but at the same time....what if I've become incapable of it? What if, through all of my many times of falling and then having to pick myself up out of the rubble and putting myself back together again after yet another failed attempt....that I just don't have it in me anymore? I thought about how one falls in love with someone.....what part of you has to be open to it....what if your heart is up for it but your head isn't? or vice versa?

How does one LEARN to love again? I remember a time when as a child....it was simple. You loved without cause, you loved blindly and with every ounce of your being...you carved names in your trapper keeper and signed your first name with someone else's last name to see how it looked on paper.....you wear someone's class ring....and it actually meant something to you, you found yourself staring at it in study hall with immense pride.....surely maturity doesn't kill this devine gift...Does it?

How I'd like to go back to the days when things made sense....people didn't play games with your heart....if they liked you....either they slipped you a note in English, or they told one of your friends so it would certainly get back to you.....you'd get a special visitor by your locker between periods.....and when it was cold, they'd give you the coat right off their back so not only would you be warm, but so that the whole world knew that someone was looking out for you.....and when someone liked you, there was no inbetween shit....they totally liked you....no luke warm feelings in pre-teen years.....it was all or nothing...total emotional nakedness.

I guess the older you get, the more scars you bare, the more reserved you become....and eventually....if you aren't careful......emotionally numb. Content with not having any real connection with anyone....and feeling smug in the fact that you are one of the elite few who knew the secret to self preservation........never let anyone in, and you'll never be hurt....forgetting the fact that if you never let anyone in.....you are always alone.....and worst of all, you'll never know love.

Goodbye:

Goodbye......it's so final isn't it.....the way it hangs there in the air after it's been said.

Goodbye.....we say it to those we love, we say it to those who we no longer love and everyone in between.....how often does one walk away from a goodbye feeling happy in saying it?

Maybe no more hello's will lead to no more goodbyes.....I've said goodbye so much lately.....I've feel like I'm continuously leaving....around every corner is another goodbye just waiting......

I don't want to have to say goodbye anymore....it's just too painful of a word to keep repeating.

Goodbye.....says it all. No other words needed.....conversations cease. The End.....execpt not everyone lives happily ever after.

Greetings from Wisconsin:

Emma & Lane send their best....

More Neighborhood Views:

The church across the street when it's lit up at night is really inspirational. As I sit here at my computer, when I turn around and look out the window behind me, those bright orange crosses pierce through the darkness. I've peered out that window at them more times than I could begin to count...they are a constant....and in an ever changing world...a girl needs a few things that she can count on.





Second Street at night....pretty desolate isn't it. When I go walking/jogging at night...it's as if I'm the only person in the entire town. It should make me feel alone...but it never does...

Window Shopping Across the Street at Night:

There's a Iron Work's store across the street from my house....last night while trying to blow off some steam by jogging, I jogged past it's display window. The sparkling trinkets and holiday display inspired me to go home and get my camera. Here are some of the shots:

Weekend Writings...#2

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11/18/2006 ~ 11:17 p.m.

Ohio State vs. Michigan: Ohio State comes out victorious. Heather is happy. Too bad the joy is short lived.

I watched the game at Jen & Rick’s house….all couples except me….well and Tina…but that’s only because John wasn’t feeling well and stayed home. There were kids everywhere….kids and couples….this is the bad thing about having all married friends. It’s not like I hate it or anything….just another reminder of how my life has completely changed from this year to last. It was nice to see them though….it’s been too long.

While talking to a friend today on the phone I was explaining to him about how this week while hanging some Christmas holly around my windows I cried…..he told me, well, that’s natural….but you just have to do it and not avoid it. I thought about this while driving home after the game and I decided that tonight I would put my tree up. I would take all this emotionalism and put it to good use. I would bite the bullet, face the music….just do it! I unwound the lights, I matched up the colors of the branches with the little slots they went into…..all was going well until I got to the ornaments themselves. I mean I was all like “yeah, I can do this….no problem….until the damn ornaments! That part was soooooo hard. Hanging the Make a Wish pewter ornaments that my old Boss Gary bought me the last four years in a row…all reading things like:

Heather & Keith….may all of your wishes come true….2002

The Stewarts, 2003

Heather & Keith Merry Christmas 2004

Heather & Keith, Merry Christmas 2005

Well….lets just say the tears flowed…and then flowed some more. The good news is that I’ve accepted the warm salty liquid as just another part of my new life. I shouldn’t be ashamed of them, I shouldn’t hide them…..they are as healing as heartbreaking to me these days. It is my hope that they will wash away the hurt and renew my hope. That’s my optimistic approach to tears….we’ll see how long this lasts! I am making progress…at least I’ve went from not caring at all….being ultimately numb to what’s been going on in my life to feeling again. Even though it hurts….feeling sad, well it doesn’t feel great…..but it’s something. I’m not dead inside. I’ve made it this far and I’m not bitter, cynical, hateful or scorned. Oh, did I mention my tree is up and looks grrreat. I had to freaking move every piece of furniture I have in order to find a spot where the ceiling wasn’t too low for it to fit…..at one point I actually found myself muttering….I need a freaking man in my life….for occasions when heavy lifting is needed anyways….then he can go back to the woman who he loves….and maybe someday I’ll find a man who will love me enough to stick around after the heavy lifting is over.



Here's the finished product....the product of my labor and tears.....did I mention that I had to move every piece of furniture I own, including removing every book from my bookshelves....oh well....look how cozy it looks....I suppose it was worth it.

Oh, I forgot…..I have GREAT NEWS!!!! Okay…are you sitting down? I’ve done it…I’ve ordered the internet at my house. Tuesday the Time Warner Cable guy is coming to my house and installing DSL. I’ll be surfing the web from the luxury of my own home in just a few short days. I think my time spent cooped up in this apartment will seem a lot less lonely once the window to the world wide web is opened within it’s walls.

Last Weekend's Writings......#1

11/18/2006 ~ 2:03 p.m

Woke up around 12:30 p.m. with massive hang over! Last night Linda and I went out for a drink while her daughter Sammy went to a Jr. High Dance across the street from my house from 7:30 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. Just a couple drinks up town and then home. Well…..when 10:00 rolled around, Linda left, and I stayed with my cousin Matt at Johnny A’s.

Next thing you know….it’s 2:00 a.m. and I’m somehow drunk. I don’t know exactly how it happened considering I didn’t even have a dollar in my wallet when Linda left me at ten o’clock. I think this is my avoidance behavior acting out again….don’t want to go home to have nothing to do….well then stay out…prolong that walk home.

I saw Keith’s brother at the bar….we had a chat and a hug. He says that Keith will never change….the guy loves his hunting and fishing…and that he’ll never be any different tomorrow than his is today or the day before. I don’t know why he told me that…..it’s like he was telling me that I better never think of coming back and having things be any different as Keith has suggested to me time and time again that it would be. I just walked away from that conversation wishing I hadn’t bumped into him. For some reason whenever I run into him, I always walk away feeling as if he just dumped a pile of shit over my head. It’s not a guilty feeling….more of a condescending attitude from him towards me….I wish I knew why that was….I’d try and figure out a way to rectify it. Interaction between people is 50/50. I guess I’ll just keep doing my part and make the 50% I send his way pleasant and non-confrontational. It’ll all work out in the end…and if it doesn’t….I’ll f*cking avoid him I guess….I’ve been avoiding everything else…I suppose I can him on my list of things to avoid without a feeling of loss.

Oh, I do have to report on this…..for what I’m about to tell you has NEVER happened to me before!! Last night…I saw a guy who shortly after I moved out from Keith’s…..wanted to go out with me. I told him that I could only ever be his friend….that I wasn’t in a position to be anything more to him…nor did I want to start anything with anyone. I tried to tell him…but nonetheless he wanted to be more….so naturally I didn’t return his last call or text message. Well last night at the rustic he approached…..he walked up to Linda and started talking to her….turned to me….looked back at Linda and started to say…. “So….who’s your …..and before he could finish the word “friend”…he said “oh shiiiiiiii” and then walked away. Didn’t even finish his sentence, didn’t excuse himself from the conversation….just went pale and walked away. I mean…I know I can make an impression on guys from time to time…..but I have never sent a guy into behavior quite like that. You would of thought that I had the plague the way he retreated away from me. So mark that down on the record, I have been found completely repulsive by a guy who I never even dated. I’ll NEVER forget that face he made….not ever.

Men are trouble….and as a woman…..keeping the lines drawn on friendship…well, you have to really keep your guard up….or next thing you know…..the lines are crossed, pole vaulted over or just erased all together.

I got my Christmas Present to myself a little early!!

Guess who's typing this and posting online things at home!!?!?!?!!?

ME!!!!!

Yep it's official....I have the internet!!

So look out...there's sure to be a flurry of writing on here...let me apologize ahead of time!

Medical News:

Jen's having her gallbladder removed Wednesday....

Please send lots and lots of prayers her way!

Thanks...and this concludes this medical update.

Looking Good...........

Last night I discovered something that I never really noticed before.....well at least not until it was happening to me that is.

When going through a breakup.....everyone who sees you for that first time says the exact same thing:

You are looking good!

or

Well, you look great!

Why do people say this? Should it be interpreted to mean: "Don't worry, you look good enough that somebody else will eventually want you." or "Man, I half expected to see you in public in your pajama's without a ounce of makeup and looking like you've stopped brushing your hair and teeth over this ordeal......compared to that, you look great!"

I mean, the last time I found myself saying "Well, you look good...." was at the Delphos Canal Days when this guy I know came up to me and hugged me and told me that I looked good....so I said..."you do too Steve"....and well he did look good. For he is one of the single most good looking guys I've ever met from Delphos......he did look good. So unless you are flirting, or being flirted with....when else do you look at someone and say..."you're looking good"? Maybe after someone has just gotten over the flu or survived a bout with cancer?

I threw this question out at my friend Derrick who also has been through a divorce recently and he said the same occurance happened to him shortly after his own break-up......

I guess I can say that I'm fairly sad but on a positive note....also looking great. Well there you go...who could ask for more....my outsides are looking better than my insides. Maybe that's just something post-break-up people do, we look good on the outside, so nobody see's what we're really going through. I guess my writing here defeats that purpose though...because everyone who reads this knows that I'm not perfectly fine.....I have good and bad days just like normal people.....sometimes I cry over little things that make no sense to anyone else....which is why I've recently switched to waterproof mascara....which I'd just like to say was a genius invention.

I especially liked one particular comment I received recently from a friend....this is my all-time-favorite to date: "You look smaller!" That still cracks me up! As if I've shrunk down to like four feet tall or something.....

Oh, and I'm not complaining for the record....if you want to tell me I look great....go right on ahead....I suppose ego boosting can't hurt one bit in times like these. Maybe you could tell me my boobs look smaller if you really want to make me smile....I mean if smiles are what you are going for....

Tis the Season:

Lately I've been feeling as if I'm slipping into a dark place. Last night I went with Steph to Lima to do some Christmas shopping. I've been avoiding it like the plague with having no money to spend, and fewer people to buy for.....I was just trying to avoid it...but alas, I can no longer do so. Time is getting away from me and I have to get my head out of the sand and take care of things before it's too late.

I bought some adorable things for Emma & Lane...at least I got them done....but all the while....I just felt sad. I don't know if I thought that I would be "just fine" throught the holidays this year or what, but it's really hitting home.

After I got done watching Grey's Anatomy with Steph, I headed home, gifts in tow.....and I put them in the decorative boxes Steph gave me. I thought about putting up my Christmas tree, but settled on hanging my holly garland around my windows and doorways. I loved putting that stuff up at my old house. It made everything appear warm and cozy. In my new apartment....I'm not sure it has the same effect. I should just stop thinking that "things are going to be okay"....that's what people tell me....it's just kind of hard to say "Oh, yeah, things will be fine I'm sure."....because I don't always whole heartedly believe it.

I hate that for the first time in a long time.....I'm not looking forward to the holidays. When I was a teenager, I hated them.....but then, when I was in my early twenties, I discovered a new found love of them....and here I am again.....thinking that with them comes sadness and feeling more alone than you do any other time of the year......

I guess the first Thanksgiving and first Christmas on my own won't be easy....it's natural I suppose, but there is only so much comfort one can derrive from that.

A friend told me that this time next year....I'll again look forward to the blessed holidays.....I guess I'll just have to hold out hope for the 2007 holiday season. But first I'll have to survive my upcoming 29th birthday....Easter, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Halloween....I think I can manage on my own....

1996 Class Reunion Pictures

Beer, Cigarettes, purses, Spouses & Classmates:

Adam's wife, Kelly, Matt, Matt, Bub, and I think maybe that's Jessica in the waaay back.
For being gone for so many years....Kelly was able to pick up where she left off with us....

Beth, Me & Michelle



Michelle still being the shortest of the bunch!



Natalie's Year Books weren't a corny idea at all....people really seemed into looking at them.....


Personally I was a fan of the time capsule from the 4th grade.

Doesn't it look like I just caught Jacquie checking out drew's bottom?

Sorry Jacquie...*wink*

Something was funny......

Is Max falling asleep or closing his eyes while he feels around inside of my purse?

Looks like some drinking is taking place here.....

1996 Class Reunion Pictures

Me & Natalie....best friends 7th & 8th grade. One of the sweetest girls I've even known.
Kelly & Denise in the restroom.....don't ask me why....I didn't take this picture!!


Steph & Kelly...both looking pretty in brown....

Jeremey & Ryan Kicking back....drinking a little...or a lot.....

Natalie & Husband Jason

1996 Class Reunion Pictures

Suzi & Roy....

Who would have paired these two together in High School

& Congrats on the baby you two!!

Very happy for you both!

Shelly talking to Tim P....looking rather serious for reunion talk I must admit.....

Jennifer, Marie & Bruce...catching up on old times I suppose

Greg....a fellow redhead....with Tom playing some pool in the background!

Tom S.

And ya'll said he wouldn't show up!!

Geesh.....